ED Community

An anonymous writer left a very interesting comment on my blog yesterday

Posing a couple of questions

First

About the ED community

And does the idea of such a community help strengthen or weaken the fight against the illness?

And also

What role an ED should play in a persons identity?

I thought these were really interesting questions

And it's something I've thought a lot about over years

And I remember it being addressed in treatment also

First question

Does the idea of an ED community strengthen or weaken the fight against our illness? 

I think there is no simple answer for this

And of course every case is individual 

In my opinion

Our community can do both 

As we know 

Support is essential 

Both in the midst of the illness

And in recovery 

When I first started writing my blog three years ago

I was in a very different place

I wrote about fasting

And actively trying to lose weight

I can remember me and other girls encouraging each other to lose weight

And that is so dangerous 

Thankfully 

In my case 

That didn't last long 

And I saw that I was treading on thin ice

But at the same time

I craved to be with others like me

It was so important to me to connect with others in the same situation as me

This community has saved my life over and over again

And in a lot of ways has helped me recover and move on from my ED 

Our community is a mixture of people still in active ED

And those choosing recovery

And we seem to co-exist well 

Although I do admit

I've had to pull back from some blogs that are upsetting or triggering

That is nothing against the person

It's just very difficult to be around very ill people when you yourself are trying to get well

And of course when in recovery

You want to build a good foundation

And probably have more in common with those in recovery 

I guess this why Pro-ana is so prolific

There Is strength in numbers

You are more likely to do something 

If someone is doing it with you

Hence why people have 'ana buddies'

In a sick and twisted way

These girls are each other's cheerleaders 

It's something that fuels the ED

I remember when I was in treatment 

It was a psychiatric hospital

With an eating disorder recovery programme

The ED girls were on a ward called St. Brigids 

It was a mixed ward

So there were patients with other illness there too

Like anxiety or depression

There were up to eight girls on the ED programme at a time

We spent so much time together 

All day every day

And most of the time we were talking about food, weight and our EDs

Although this wAy works for some

It most definitely did not for me

Bring in such close contact with other sufferers made life so hard

I was constantly comparing myself to others 

That and the fact that our sole existence was wrapped up in the ED 

Made it so hard to make steps towards recovery

One thing that I noticed while in treatment

Was that if one person was doing well

The rest tended to do well too

But if one person was struggling

The rest struggled too

Why was this?

Well

We were all so in tune with each other 

And if one persons behaviours were very disordered 

That permeated through the group

But also if some one was making positive steps 

It was almost like it gave permission to the other girls to do the same

So I think being part of an ED community can both help and hinder

As ED sufferers 

We have to battle triggers every single day 

Triggers that can send us right back in to the arms of our ED 

So support is essential 

And very necessary 

I know that I couldn't possibly do this on my own 

No way

No how 

We crave to be around others like us 

So we know that we are not alone 

This can be both a blessing and a curse

I guess it would be like an alcoholic or a dug addict

In their addiction 

They spent all their time with other addicts

Whether they liked them or not 

They were on the same wave length

But when one addict gets clean

They absolutely have to change one thing 

And that one thing is everything

Including people, places and things

A recovering addict can not spend all their time with using addicts 

And expect to stay clean

As the saying goes

If you hang around a barbers for long enough

You will end up getting a haircut 

In the same vein

You are the company you keep

To answer the other question 

What role should our EDs play in our identity

This is also a great question

And again

Is something I addressed in treatment 

In the midst of our illness

Our identity and the illness become so emeshed 

I know when I was sick

My illness was my identity 

Everything else that I was was overshadowed by my ED

I was no longer a sister

A daughter

An auntie

A friend 

Now I was anorexic 

And precious little else 

I distinctly remember saying in treatment that I was so afraid to let go of my ED

As I didn't know what would be left without it 

I panicked about the fact that giving up my illness

Meant giving up my identity

When I was sick

I assumed the sick role

And when you have such a role for such a long time 

It's very hard to break away from it

For me 

I felt that my illness brought my family together 

And I worried that if I got well

Then I wouldn't be as close with my family

Because that's what happened when I became ill

My family came together 

And got very close 

So I feared the opposite would happen if I let my ED go

Eating disorders continue to be complex and difficult illnesses to treat

The person in question has to want to get well 

And will not get well until they decide to

No matter how much somebody wants it for you 

They can't do it for you

Support is essential 

I know I couldn't have got well without the support of various professionals, my family 

And of course you my beautiful blogger friends 

We alone can do it 

But we can not do it alone

As they say in the meetings 

I know for sure

That being part of this community has been a huge part of my life for the past three years

As you know 

I try to write every day

I spent copious amounts of time on blogger 

You girls are some of my best friends

I worry about our little community

As it seems to be ever shrinking all the time

Blogger seems to not be the place to be anymore

Instagram seems to be the cool place to be

But blogger will forever hold a special place in my heart

As its here that I started 

And I love to follow the stories of you girls 

Anyway

Let me know what you think about the questions posed in this post

And anything else on your mind.....

G

I got a text message the other day

Out of the blue

It was from a girl I was in treatment with a few years ago

A girl who I will call G

I met this girl when I was in hospital for the second time

In 2011

G was about half way through her treatment when I arrived

She had come in to hospital at a dangerously low weight

She was very ill

G struggled through treatment 

Struggled to break out of being sick

And all that went with

I firmly believe

Whether we like it or not

That our EDs serve a purpose 

There is a reason that we are eating disordered 

Because we get some sort of payoff from it

Whether that be attention

The relief of anxiety

The numbness 

The protection

The not feeling

I guess it's different for everyone 

Anyway 

Back to G 

She had a history of self harm also 

And suicide attempts 

Towards the end of her treatment 

She was discharged as an inpatient

And started to come as a day patient 

From the start she really struggled 

She self harmed when she was at home 

And began to purge 

I remember thinking that purging was a useless effort 

And told her so 

But she continued to deteriorate 

She took up a lot of time in groups 

Asked to see the doctor nearly every day 

Some of our group began to resent her 

And the attention she seemed to need

But as I have since learned from being in treatment numerous times 

Sometimes there is competition among patients to be the sickest

To need to most attention from staff

To be the thinnest 

And the most eating disordered 

I've come across it many times 

Heck, I've been there myself 

In competition with other girls to lose weight

Steering conversations to get the other person to tell you how thin you are

I've been there

Done that 

Bought the extra small t-shirt

Often people

As in family and staff members

Tip toe around the person with an ED

And that is understandable 

Because the person is in a very vulnerable position

They can be weak

Mentally and physically 

But it also means that the person in question is kept in cotton wool

I remember when I was in treatment 

The person who ran the Eating Disorder Recovery Programme was a nurse

She was the nicest person you could ever meet

She was really like a mother to all us patients 

I never once saw her lose her cool

Or get frustrated or fed up

And she was dealing with ED patients all day every day

When this nurse went on holidays 

Another nurse from the ward would take over

This nurse was much more hard hitting 

She really took no prisoners 

She was honest

Brutally so

Direct 

And did not hold back

But you know what ?

I actually did better with this nurse

I responded better to her

I'm not saying that's the same for everyone

I'm sure the softly softly approach works for done 

But not for me 

I'm digressing again

Back to G

We texted back and forth 

She told me that she was also diagnosed the borderline personify disorder

And was put on a cocktail of meds 

Due to these meds 

She went from a size six

To a size twenty very quickly 

And even though she was still very much bulimic 

Was not treated for her ED 

Because she was not underweight

This is something that makes my blood boil

Everyone is on red alert when someone is underweight

And rightly so

It's a dangerous time

And as we all know

Anorexia has a high mortality rate 

But just because someone has regained weight to a healthy BMI

Does not mean they are cured

Of course they could be on the road to recovery

But often times the person is still struggling

I have found that because I punished my body so much over the years 

Now 

My body physically won't let me lose any significant amount of weight anymore

My weight tends to fluctuate around five kilos up or down 

But that's it 

It's like my body won't let me be underweight anymore

And that's fine with me

But yes 

It's a common problem among the ED community 

Often the body recovers long before the mind

So we are left with a healthy body 

But a very anorectic mind

And that let me tell you is a living hell

Everyone tells you how well you look

And all you want to do is slice the flesh off your body

Often those who are bulimic 

Maintain a healthy weight

But that does not mean they are healthy

There could be all sorts of complications under the surface

This is the ignorance of people

They don't know enough about eating disorders to be aware of this information

So it's up to us 

The ED community 

To let people know 

To educate them 

That eating disorders come in all sizes from obese to emaciated to everything in between

I know that I was just as sick at my highest weight as I was at my lowest weight 

Fact

I rely felt for G

She has been through the mill

And although her BMI is now healthy

She still struggles

It was good to hear from her though

You form strong bonds with the girls you meet in treatment 

They are fellow soldiers in the war against  this thing we call ED

I'm hoping they through our blogs

We might be able to educate people about EDs

Mental health is still quite a taboo subject

And eating disorders and other conditions are still whispered about 

Rather than talked about 

I'm hoping that in my life time 

This will change 

People will talk openly about their issues

Without fear of being labelled 'crazy'

We've all grown up with someone on our street or in our neighbour hood

Who was labelled 'nuts' or 'mad'

I know my auntie lived in the same estate as my family

She was called Mad Mary

It's cruel

But it's because people don't understand 

And they fear what they don't understand 

My auntie was not mad

She had a bona fide mental illness

But instead of helping or understanding 

People chose to ridice her

I've often written here about my fathers side of the family

Out of his ten brothers and sisters 

All of them have suffered with some form of mental illness or addiction

My mothers side of the family has none

And out my my two sisters and my brother

My sisters and I all have been diagnosed with mental illness and addiction

And live with these traits every day

My brother on the other hand is most like my mother

Go figure 

Anyway 

That's my Sunday morning rant over

Don't know if I made any sense 

Congratulations if you made it this far 

Both in this post 

And in life

Ha 

I have officially stopped making sense 

Think I'll go and stick my head in the oven...

(That is a figure of speech in my house

Whenever someone gets fed up they say 'I think I'll go and stick my head in the oven' ala Sylvia Plath)

Ok enough!

Goodbye 

Adios 

See you on the next post....

Honesty is the best policy

I'm writing this post in response to L

Who commented on my blog anonymously yesterday 

I'm dedicating a post to it

As it would be too long to respond in the comment section

So L 

I hope you see this

To give you the gist of it

L made the point that the reason I'm not doing the course should be because I have no interest in the course

And not because my disability will be cut

L went on to ask if I was never going to work

And she understands that life can be cosy on benefits

But that was just existing 

And not living 

First of all 

I want thank you L

For having the courage to write what a lot of readers were probably thinking

I know you said that you didn't want to come across as harsh

And you didn't 

You came across as honest and concerned

And I am grateful for that 

Correct me if I am wrong 

But I find that both in real life

And here on blogger

Honesty somehow gets lost

I know I am guilty of telling people what they want to hear

Just to keep the peace

People pleasing I guess

It's easy to say/write a hundred 'I love you's'

It's much harder to be brutally honest

I acknowledge L that this comment must have been difficult to write

And I know I had to read the comment a few times to let it sink in

To answer your question

The reason I am not doing the course is because I really don't have a lot of interest in business and computers

Yes it's true 

My disability would be cut

But that was not my primary reason 

Up until last week

I was 100% sure that I was going to do the course

But then I read the course content

And none of it appealed to me

And it's definitely not the area that I want to work in

So it really didn't make sense to go ahead and do a full time course for two years 

When my heart wasn't in it

I didn't want to start the course 

Only to drop out by Christmas 

I think I am better off looking for something that really interests me

And to answer your question about work

Yes I absolutely do want to work 

I wanted to be independent 

And support myself 

I want my own place

I want to pay my way

Pay taxes 

Contribute to the society that has helped me out greatly over the years 

I did in fact look for work this summer

You might remember that I inquired at my local dog kennel to see if they needed help

Unfortunately they couldn't take me on

Due to insurance reasons 

I also asked at the pizzeria that I used to work at

And they still haven't got back to me 

So I am actively looking

But to recession here

There are precious little jobs

No

I don't plan to be on disability for the rest of my life 

I've been on disability since my first hospital admission back in 2008

Now a days 

It much more difficult to be put on long term disability

As there have been so many budget cuts

So if I am to come off disability 

I want to make sure it is the right time

And the right circumstances

As if I am taken off it

It will be nigh on impossible to get back on it if I needed to

I guess what may come across as reluctance to work

Is in fact a case of low confidence

And low self esteem 

I still have some of those core beliefs From when I was really ill

Like I am not good enough

Not smart enough 

Not capable enough 

And these thoughts get in my way

Whether I am looking to start a course or find work 

And yes

I know I have it easy right now

I am luckier than a lot of people 

I live with my Mum and sister 

In a house with no mortgage or rent to pay

All I have to do is contribute weekly to shopping and bills

Everything else is taken care of

I pay my own bills in regard to my car and my phone 

But I know that if I was stuck 

I have two parents

And two older sisters and a brother who can bail me out

Then there is the dog shelter 

Where I have an appointment next Thursday 

I know it will be a voluntary position

But I think it will do me the world of good

To have a purpose 

A reason to get up in the morning

And what better reason than to help dogs that are in need 

As you know 

Honey and Lea and my previous dog Leo came from this very shelter 

So it's really cool to be going back to volunteer there 

And who knows 

Maybe it will lead to more opportunities 

I am a firm believer in the thought that if you push yourself to go outside 

Wonderful things can happen

You just have to push yourself to get out there

Out in to the world 

Meet new people 

And you never know what might happen

To go back to the point of commenting and friendship

The thing about our little corner of blogger

Is that a lot of us are ill

Vulnerable 

In poor health

Mentally and physically

Delicate and fragile

I know I've read posts written by bloggers

And my first thought was not the thought I wrote 

I chose my second thought 

Which was much more politically correct

Because I don't want to hurt the person

Or cause them any sort of pain

As they are already going through hell without me adding to it 

I don't want to disrespect the love that people show here on blogger

I love to spread the love

And feel the love

I guess what I am saying is that there is a time and a place for everything 

Showing love is brilliant

But sometimes raw honesty is called for too

I hope I am explaining myself properly

And I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings

In the last six months 

I have lost two very good friends here on blogger 

Some of you will remember The writer named A

And also Loulou 

I say I lost them because I have no idea what happened to them 

Loulou and I had a disagreement 

Then she deleted her blog 

And emailed me that she didn't want to be friends anymore

I haven't heard from her since

And A 

We also went through issues

Then all of a sudden 

She vanished from blogger 

And is not responding to my texts or emails

The reason I mention these two girls 

Is that I valued their friendship so much

Because they were always brutally honest with me 

I could always depend on them to tell me the truth

Even if it did hurt both me and them

I think only a real friend will do this

 I'm not saying that all the lovely comments people leave are not genuine

I truly believe they they are 

But girls 

We can't afford to tiptoe around each other 

Many of us are living in life or death situations 

Many of us are on the edge 

Being honest with someone might be a huge favour you could do for them

So L

I hope I have answered your questions

And given you the reasons for why I'm going down this path

Again

I thank you for your candour 

It was exactly what I needed to hear/read

And I'm hoping that maybe more of us will take a risk 

And be honest with our friends and fellow bloggers

God knows we really can't waste time on platitudes 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you

Do you think that honesty is the best policy?

What is your take on telling others the truth?

Are you Always honest with friends and fellow bloggers?

What stops you saying/ writing what you really think?

I'd love to know...

What next?

I'm about a year in to my recovery now

I  am weight restored

My mood is good

Anxiety under control

I feel strong 

Capable 

Able

I've just about recovered physically

And am on the way to becoming recovered mentally

Although I don't think I'll ever be fully recovered

But I'm hoping to be as well as I can possibly be 

Now that I'm feeling better

Now that I am no longer caught in a deadly game of life and death

I find myself wondering

What now?

What next?

What do I do now that I am feeling better?

My ED dominated my life for over ten years 

It was like a job

I worked all week ie restricting 

And at the end of the week I expected a big fat pay check ie weight loss

Then of course 

I had my addiction to contend with over the years

Which was also like a full time job

So now I find myself thinking 

Where do I go from here?

I wrote about starting a course

And I thought they was what I wanted to do

But if I am honest 

Business and computers are not my thing

They don't interest me

They don't capture my attention

I guess I would prefer to study something a bit more arty

That would suit my personality a bit more

So I've decided that I'm not going to do the course

Plus the fact that I will lose my disability benefit if I start the course

Everything is telling me not to do it

So I'm not going to

What are you going to do?

I hear you cry

Well I've decided for the next year

To concentrate on my recovery 

Prioritising my health and recovery

Focus on meetings and therapy

And also volunteer at my local dog shelter

I rang then today to inquire

And I'm going to see them next Thursday 

to fill out paper work

I am super duper excited about this 

I can't wait 

They mentioned that my main jobs will be walking and socialising the dogs

My idea of heaven!

In other news

I can't wait to get my next piercing done

But can't decide which one to get

Can any of you lovely ladies help me out with a suggestion

Inquiring minds want to know...

Hole in one...

So my piercing and I are slowly but surely getting used to each other

When I woke up this morning

And remembered that I had it done

I jumped out of bed to examine it in the mirror

The redness has now gone down

And I like it even more than I did yesterday

My Mum can barely look at it

And is pretty horrified that I got it done

Yesterday was a really cool experience

Going to Zombie Dolls

Meeting Terry 

Getting the piercing done

I'm so glad that Terry was straight up with me

And to me that the labret piercing wouldn't work

And didn't let me go ahead and do something that would later cause me problems 

I really liked Terry 

It was like she had no filter between her brain and her mouth

And I love that!

Now I definitely want to get more done

Maybe a few in different parts of my ear

My belly button

My tongue 

Eek I can't imagine how painful that would be 

Yesterday the pain was intense 

And my instinct was to pull her hands away

Thankfully it didn't last though

And I lived to tell the tale

Here are some photos of it today...

P Day

So

Today was the day

The day I get my piercing done

For my birthday

My birthday gift to myself 

My sister and I set off early this morning

The studios name is Zombie Dolls

And is about half an hour from my house

From the start

I had butterflies in my tummy

I like to think that I have a high pain threshold

Having been through many many dental surgeries

Pancreatitis 

And sticking many needles in to myself over the course of my addiction

I like to think I'm a tough cookie in that respect

We arrived in town

And parked 

It took us a while to actually find the place

But we did 

Eventually 

The place itself was so cool

All black

With black and white paintings on the walls

There was a young girl on reception 

She told us to take a seat

And Terry would be out to see us shortly

Terry being the piercer

A couple of minutes later

She came to greet us

A really pretty girl

About forty I would guess

With strawberry blonde hair 

And covered in tattoos 

I liked her immediately

And the place

Sometimes 

These places  can be intimidating

But this place had a lovely atmosphere

And a nice vibe

I told Terry that I wanted to get my labret done

Which is just below the bottom lip

She took a look at my labret and gums

And said that it wouldn't really work as my lip was so low it wouldn't be seen

And it would also effect my gums

I was really disappointed that I couldn't get it done

But Terry suggested that I get the bit of skin between my nose and my upper lip done

I wasn't too keen on this 

Then my sister suggested that I get my nose done

I liked that idea 

And decided to go for it

I wasn't leaving that place until I had something pierced!

I sat up on the table

And Terry prepared her tools

I decided to go for a small ring

Instead of a stud

She assured me that it wasn't too painful

And that it would all be over in a split second 

Then she did it 

She pierced my nose

And holy hell people

It didn't half hurt!

My gut reaction was to pull her hands away from me 

But thankfully the pain didn't last

And it was all over before I knew it

Terry secured the ring in my nose 

And I went to the mirror to have a look

I love it!

It's subtle 

Just what I was looking for

Terry suggested that I don't get any more piercings on my face

As my face is 'too soft'

And suggested that I go to town on my ears

One thing is for sure 

I will definitely be back for more

I've been bitten by the bug

Terry herself was amazing

She talked non stop for the whole time we were there

At one point she noticed my psoriasis

And have me the number of a homeopath who works wonders

She told us how she used to suffer with depression

And how she tried everything

Including medication

But nothing helped until she went to this man

It was funny

It was like she knew that we were struggling with some of the same issues she was 

It was like she sensed it somehow

You know how they say people can recognise their own traits in others

Well that was what it was like

I was so relieved when the whole thing was over

And do delighted that I had gone through with it

My sister was snapping away on my phone the whole way through

A picture paints a thousand words....

The Piercing

I rang the piercing studio today

It's called Zombie Dolls

I plan to go there tomorrow

It's about a half hour drive

And my sister is going to come with me

My Mother is horrified that I am getting it done 

But I'm hoping she'll come around 

I have to admit

I am both nervous and excited

I asked the girl how painful it is to get just below the lip pierced

She didn't lie

And told me it would hurt

Albeit for just a split second

She told me they its all over very quickly

Iike to think that I have a high pain threshold

I guess I'll find out tomorrow 

I'm thinking that it can't be any worse than the dentist 

I've sat through many an hour in the dentists chair over the last 12 months

So I'm hoping that this will be nothing like that 

I've actually wanted to get this done for years

But never got around to it

I'm hoping it will all be ok

And that I will like it 

However 

It is a piercing

And if I don't like it

I can remove it with relative ease

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Did you find your piercings painful?

Have you had the one that I am getting done?

Just below my lower lip

Did you find it very painful?

Have you any tips or tricks to look after it?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Puppy Love....

Me and my two best girls

Honey and Lea

Who keep me going when I think I can't go on

Who greet me as though they haven't seen me in years every time I walk in to the kitchen 

Who sit by side 

Lie at my feet

Walk with me every morning

Who are never more than a few feet from my side 

I'm telling you 

Dogs are the best medicine I've ever had

Better than any drug

Any anti depressant

Any upper or downer

And sedative

Or sleeping tablet

If you want to improve your health

Physical and mental

Get a dog 

Or a cat 

Or a ferret

Or a hamster 

Something that you have to look after apart from yourself 

I promise you

What you give 

You will get back one hundred fold

They say in recovery 

That in order to understand responsibility

You should first get a plant

Keep it for a year 

And if that is successful

Get a dog

If that works out

You are then ready for a relationship

I can't begin to tell you how having two dogs has helped me 

They take me out of myself 

They remind me to keep life simple

To value what matters 

To be kind 

And loyal

Do you remember 18 months ago

When I went in to treatment for the umpteenth time 

My poor Lea fell in to a depression

And her fur began to fall out 

It continued until she had a huge bald patch on her back 

It wasn't until I came home

And began to recover myself

That Lea began to recover too

I find that utterly amazing 

That my illness effected her so much 

And manifested in a physical way

So yes 

My two buddies

My best friends 

My constant companions 

Ever by my side

I can only hope they live for another few years

As I would be truly lost without them 

Hermit

It seems that I struggling to get out and about

And do my normal daily activities

More and more 

I am refusing invitations to go places

Opting to stay at home

And drift in and out of sleep

I haven't been to a meeting in weeks

I didn't go to my nephews birthday

Didn't go and see his flying lesson 

Missed various trips and meals out

It just seems to be getting harder and harder to push myself out of the comfort zone that is my house

What I am doing

Is getting up really early in the morning

Doing everything I need to do 

Like walking the dogs and shopping

Having it all done before 10am

Then heading home

And spending the rest of the day there

Barely moving from my seat on the mat in the living room

I only go from them kitchen to make tea

Frequent trips to the bathroom because of said tea

And back to my mat 

I am literally going around in circles over here

I'm not seeing friends 

I'm spending more and more time alone 

Even speaking less and less

Yesterday we went out for lunch

And I decided to go as it was my Auntie B's last day

But oh my God 

What a palava to get out of the house

It was lashing rain 

And all I wanted to do was put on a tracksuit 

And zone out in front of the TV

But I went 

And tried my best to be sociable

I won't go so far as to say I enjoyed it 

More like endured it

I had no appetite 

And ate very little

And purged what little I did eat

I was just glad to get home 

Put on my pyjamas 

And pretend the world didn't exist 

I don't know what it is 

I mean

My mood is ok

Things should be ok

But as ever  

I  am creating problems where there are none 

I think they call that the art of over thinking

Every time I leave the house 

I just can't wait to get home

I say it's because I want to get back to the dogs

And it is

But it's more that I want to get away from whatever situation that I am in

I just can't handle life outside the little bubble that is my house

I guess it could be due to the fact that I'm trying to avoid so many people

The Boy

The Plumber

The Shopkeeper

People I used to use with 

It's like being in a real life computer game 

Avoid the gremlins

And I gain more points

It's just a pain in the ass

I want to be able to go wherever

Whenever I want

I don't want my house to become a prison

I want to want to just be a normal

Oh to be normal

And not batshit crazy

However 

I hear that normal is over rated

So maybe I am better off

I don't know

My doctor is off again this week 

So I saw Nice Woman Doctor again this morning

And will also be seeing her next week

As my doctors day is packed with appointments already

I briefly told her about what's going on

How I'm supposed to be starting a course next month

And I don't know if it's going to happen

Because of my disabity being cut

She wrote me a letter 

Saying that the course would be of Therapeutic value for me 

So now I have two letters 

So hopefully that will do the trick

I had resigned myself to the fact that the course wouldn't happen

But now I really want to do it

I mean

What else will I be doing?

I think it will be good for me

I left the doctors with my letter

And headed to the chemist to pick up my meds

Then at 9 30am

I had an appointment with Breda

My addiction counsellor

After going through a stage of cancelling my appointments

I am now making an effort to keep them

I only see Breda every two weeks

And she is really helpful 

Very practical

And very straight which I appreciate

I td her about struggling to leave my house

And not going to meetings 

I described how my problem is actually getting out the front door

Once I am out the door 

And in my car

I am fine

It's the anxiety of thinking about it before hand that gets me

Usually the event itself is fine

And I wonder why I was so anxious in the first place 

She suggested that I make a daily plan

And try and pace myself 

And also go to a meeting as soon as I can

As the longer I leave it

The harder it will be to go back

I also told her about Mums retirement do

And how I had two drinks

I linked that to the stress I felt about making the speech

And even when it was over

I still wasn't out of the woods

She asked me why I took on making the speech if it caused me so much stress 

I told her that everyone else refused to do it

And I wanted to do it for Mum

Breda mentioned that I need to be assertive in these situations

And I know that

It's just really tough sometimes to say no

But all in all 

It was a positive session

Breda told me that I am doing well

And life is getting better for me

There are just a few tweaks I need to make

She asked me how my eating is going

And I was pleased to report that it is going well

I'm not starving or binging

My weight is stable 

Yes, I purge from time to time

But nothing like the way I used to

Breda told me that I look really well

And I was able to take the compliment and thank her

And things are going well ED wise

My weight fluctuates a lot

But I haven't been underweight in over a year

I think back to that time

And the never ending binging and purging

What a miserable existence

I'm surprised that my heart didn't give out

And I didn't drop dead from all the stress I put on my poor body

But the great thing is

That I don't hate my body the way that I used to

I am a healthy weight for my age and height

I am curvy

I have boobs and a bum

I can now fill out a pair of jeans

And you know what?

I don't mind it

When I'm in the shower 

I notice my thighs

And they are shapely

Like a grown woman is supposed to me

I don't live it

But I don't hate it either 

I am learning to accept it

And go by how I feel

Rather than what I look like

I'm sure you have noticed that I don't write about my ED half as much anymore

This blog started out as an ED blog 

And it will always be one to a certain extent 

But now I have so many other things to write about 

Like life 

And everything it throws at me

It's amazing to not have my ED controlling me

In everything I do

It doesn't dominate my life any more

More and more it's becoming a smart part of my life 

Amen to that 

So yes

I know what I need to do to get back on track

I will do my best to get to a meeting this week

I will make a daily plan

And use my tools to manage stress and anxiety

I have come too far to turn back now

I know that with a little bit of effort

Life could be so much better 

So much more fulfilling 

I know that just as quickly things can go pear shaped 

They can also turn around just as quickly

I have the awareness

The knowledge

And the skills and tools to improve myself

I have the ability

I just need to knuckle down and do it

I know that a lot of you are struggling right now

With various different issues

I just want to tell you today to never give up

As long as we are alive

There is hope 

Hope for a better life

For better mental and physical healthy

No matter how low you go

There is always a way back up

I promise you that 

I had written myself off as damaged goods

A failure 

A mistake 

I though I would die young 

Heck, I wanted to die

I couldn't handle life 

Reality

And everything that went with it

I felt so lost 

So alone 

My blog and my dogs and my family are the only things that kept me going

My ED was killing me slowly

And I welcomed it

But now 

Now things are so much better

My life has taken a complete 180

And it wasn't until I started to feel better that I realised how bad I had been

My depression lifted

My anxiety lessened

And the incessant binging and purging came to a screeching halt

My quality of life has improve so so much

I think back to a couple of years ago

And I had all but given up

So my message to you today is to keep going

Keep the faith

Keep hoping

And believing

Know that there is a way out

There is life after addiction and mental illness 

And it is a life rich with love, laughter and fun

Don't give up

That's exactly what your ED wants you to do

Don't give in to her

Don't forget that you are a good person

You are worthwhile 

You do matter 

You are special 

So please

Today

Go easy on yourself 

Take some time to be kind to you

To be gentle in you

Because you matter 

I promise you that

Reminders

Every time I smell hairspray

It reminds me of my dancing days

And ballet exams

Spraying and lacquering our hair until it was rock hard

Every time I see tinfoil

It reminds me of smoking black tar heroin

Running the lighter under it

Until it melts and bubbles

And the smoke wafts off it

Every time I eat a raspberry 

I am immediately transported back to my childhood

And the raspberry and red berry bush in our back garden

Never ending sunny days

Lying on the lawn 

With the grass tickling our feet

Every time I'm in Dublin

And I smell the hops from the Guinness store house

It reminds me of my using days

Getting off the bus at Heuston station

Walking by the old hospital

All the way down the quays 

Until we reached Thomas Street

Where we scored 

And went and cooked it up in the flats 

Every time I eat a scone

It reminds of when I lived with my ex-boyfriend

When we didn't have a penny

Because it all went on drugs 

And we made crude buns out of flour and water 

Because we had no other food

Every time I smell chlorine

It reminds me of swimming competitions

Of Lining up to race

And the butterflies in my tummy

Every time I see a green jeep

It reminds me of The Boy

Of driving around

Drinking poppy tea

And drifting in and out of reality

Every time I smell vodka

I'm reminded of the first time I got drunk

When me and my best friend raided her Mothers drinks cabinet

I woke up the next morning in a pool of vomit

We were 14

Everytime I wake up in the middle of the night

It reminds me of the days 

When I was sick from drugs

When my whole body ached

And sleep was an impossibility

Every time I hear the Friends theme tune

It reminds me of the late nineties

Watching my favourite show on a Monday night

Then having to wait a whole week for the next one

Every time I bag up my rubbish bin

It reminds me of the times when my boyfriend and I used to bag up heroin to sell

Then ended up taking it all ourselves 

I was always a greedy addict

Every time I hear the Drake song 'Coming home'

It reminds me of my last stint in treatment

When I heard that song

And wished I was home

There are things everywhere that remind me of my past

Some welcome 

Some not so much

It's amazing the way a smell

Or a taste 

Or a feeling 

Can bring me right back to a place in time

Right back to a child

To an addict

To a teenager

All the lives I have lived

It's hard to be reminded

But I welcome it

I don't want to forget where I've come from

What I've been through

It's taken every experience I've ever had

To get me where I am today

I don't resist it 

I welcome it

Cosmetic surgery, yay or nay?

According to a Glamour body image survey, 97% of women admitted that they have at least one negative thought about their body image every day

Ninety

Seven

Per cent

And men are not immune either

According to the National Eating Disorder   Association, 43% of men are dissatisfied with their bodies

Stark numbers

But honestly

It doesn't surprise me

We are bombarded with so many images of the perfect body every single day

On TV

In magazines

On the Internet

Often bodies that are utterly unattainable for the average person 

It's really no wonder that we have such poor body image 

I was watching a show the other morning

And the topic was cosmetic surgery

There was a 19 year old girl being interviewed

She had her first cosmetic procedure when she was just 18

Filler put in her lips 

They showed before and after photos

To me she looked beautiful before she had the procedure

She said that after she had her lips done

She took over 300 selfies

Trying to take the perfect photo

There was also a cosmetic surgeon being  interviewed 

He said it was common for people to bring in photos of celebrities 

And ask to look just like them

If you ask me 

I am nay in the whole debate

But that's nay for me

I have no problem with anyone else doing it

I just think it's very noticeable when someone has cosmetic surgery

You know that kind of stretched face look

When eyes are pulled up

And there is not a line or wrinkle in sight

The Botox look is especially noticeable

When someone can't move their face

Because they have injected so much of the stuff

I guess if you don't agree with altering your face or body

You could also throw make up and hair dye in to the equation

I have no problem with either of these

They are temporary

They can be removed with relative ease

And they are not invasive 

Unlike cosmetic surgery 

Although I've sufferers badly with body image over the years

I've never hated a part of my body so much that I considered cosmetic surgery

Not saying I didn't hate my body 

I did 

I guess it just never crossed my mind

It wasn't the done thing

At least in my part of the world 

I just wanted to be smaller

Thinner all over

And as far as I know there is no cosmetic procedure for that

Of course I've looked in the mirror

And wished away my bulging belly

And thunder thighs

But I don't ever recall thinking that I would like to have cosmetic surgery

Someone who springs to mind when I think of cosmetic surgery is Heidi Montag
Some of you will know her from the reality show The Hills
I think she was so beautiful before she had the surgery
Young 
Fresh faced
The typical all American girl
I think she had far too much done
And barely looks like herself anymore

Before surgery

After

A woman called Jae West took matters in to her own hands recently
Jae is a body image activist
From Australia
She stood in Piccadilly Circus

In just a bikini and a blind fold

With a sign say that she was doing this experiment for people with bad body image 

And those suffering with eating disorders

She herself is in recovery

The sign Also asked people to draw a love heart on her in solidarity

She held markers in each hand

One by one people came up and drew hearts on her

You can see a video of it if you Google her

 

With all that said
I was wondering about you
Are you yay or nay in the whole cosmetic surgery debate?
And why?
Have you ever considered cosmetic surgery?
If so
What would you like to have done?
Answers on a postcard please....

Life is like an obstacle course.....

My golly gosh

Life is becoming quite the complicated thing

Let me explain

As you know

I get up early each morning

And walk Honey and Lea

We either go to the local beach

One of the local lakes

Or down the back roads behind my house

This morning we decided to do the cliff walk over looking the beach that the surfers use

I don't know if I mentioned it

But every time I want to go in to the village

Or in to town

Or the beach

I have to drive by The Plumbers house as he lives on the main road 

I was going in to town one day last week

When as I approached his house 

He was pulling out in his work van

So I had to drive right by him

I really had to fight the urge to set my dogs on him

Or roll down my window and hurl abuse at him 

I like to think I had a lucky escape there

So this morning 

I was driving to the beach 

And stopped in the village to get a couple of things in the shop

I was just after coming out 

Was starting my car

When I saw The Boy pull in across the road

I knew it was him before I saw his face

As I know the reg of his car

At first I froze

I haven't heard from or seen The Boy in months

I dont think he saw me

As I sped out of my parking space and down the road

I didn't look in my rear view mirror

I didn't want to see him

I can't go back there 

So I did what I always do

And carried on 

I walked the dogs 

Did some shopping

Got petrol

Went to the post office

I was

Just leaving town to go home

When I got stuck behind a few cars 

And had to stop

Unfortunately 

I was right outside the shop where I was caught doing you know what

(Can't bring myself to say the word)

And then

I saw the owner come out and stand T the door

Like right beside me

I just kept looking straight ahead 

And prayed for a green light

Which eventually came after a few seconds

Ay Carumba 

What a morning 

I was on my way home

Had just come out of the post office 

When a car drove by me

I recognised the people as people I used to use with

Again

Something I could do without

But that's life I guess 

It just makes my day that bit more stressful and complicated

Trying to avoid people

And situations 

But I guess the only thing to do is just get on with things

In other news 

I rang the piercing studio

I think I am going to get a stud on my chin

Just below my lip

It costs €30

And it's walk in

So I don't have to make an appointment

I will definitely get it done before my birthday

So that's something to look forward to 

Right 

Must dash 

See you anon