New Years Eve

I just wanted to take the opportunity to wish all my readers, commenters and friends a very happy new year

It's hard to believe that another year has passed

And 2016 is just around the corner

I sincerely hope that he coming year is a good one

I guess it's down to me to make that happen

2015 started well

I was in a good place

Mood was good

Weight was stable 

Purging was at a minimum 

But the past couple of months have been tough

And I'm struggling to bounce back after my second bout of pancreatitis 

However 

I am fighting hard to get on top of this slip 

Before it turns in to a complete relapse 

Purging is a problem again 

And am purging up to five times a day 

I know 

This is not good 

For my physical health

My mental health 

It's a merry-go-round that's nigh on impossible to get off 

I don't want to stArt off the new year on a bad foot 

So happy new year to you

Where ever you may be

Who ever you are 

Thank you for reading this year

For commenting

Texting 

Emailing 

For supporting me 

For being there

For being honest with me even when it's hard to hear

Thank you for never judging me

For being a friend 

For catching me when I fell

For helping me put myself back together after I fell apart

For cheering me on through the good times

And never turning your back on me through the tough times 

Your words 

Your thoughts and wishes mean more to me than you will ever know 

I'm so grateful for this community 

Dwindling as it may be

It's a life line 

It's having human contact when real life doesn't provide it

I hope that the coming year is a good one for you

I hope all your hopes and dreams come true 

That tou meet all your goals and aspirations 

I hope the year is full of laughter and love

That it's the best year yet

Because you deserve it

We deserve it

God knows we have suffered enough 

If you make one promise this new year

Promise to be kinder to yourself

We are our own worst critic

Our very own bully 

We are so very hard on ourselves

And that has to stop

We need to look after ourselves

Because if we don't 

Who will?

The next time you go to best yourself up

Or tear yourself down

Stop

Think

Would you say this to a friend?

To a loved one?

I'm willing to bet not 

So why do we do it to ourselves?

Please 

Just be a bit nicer to you

You will feel the benefits 

I promise you

Happy new year

To you and yours 

Let's hope it's a good one....

2015

As is usual at this time of the year

I've been looking back over 2015

The ups and downs

The highs and lows 

It's been an eventful year to say the least 

It's started out with poor little Honey having an operation to remove her eye

After a rather nasty infection killed the sight in it

The poor thing was in a lot of pain

And every time we went to my vet

We came away with no answers

So we decided to go to my Dads vet

Who operated immediately after seeing her eye 

I can remember being so worried

That she wouldn't recover

That something would go wrong

She came home the next day 

And was incredibly groggy for a day or two

But after that 

She made a remarkable recovery

And was back to her cheeky self in no time

The only thing that is different is that she doesn't always come for walks now

But that's ok

That's her perogative 

When Lea and I go out

Honey waits at the side of the house for us to come back 

And gets so excited when she sees us coming 

But still

It would take a lot more than a missing eye to stop Honey

I don't even want to mention what happened next 

You know what I mean 

The Boy 

I had temporary lapse in judgement early last year 

When I began meeting The Boy

And soon found myself smack bang in the middle of a relapse 

This was a really tough time

As I struggled to make sense of my feelings for him 

And also the infamous poppy tea

My mum and sister found out

Prompting one hell of an argument between us 

It was a horrible time

One that I don't think of very often 

So the less said about it the better me thinks 

In April

We did the darkness to light walk

Which is becoming a tradition every year

It's in aid of suicide prevention 

So it's all for a good cause

Then came summer 

We brought my nephew to Belfastfor his birthday 

I shaved the side of my head 

I got my nose pierced 

Which I still love to this day 

My mum had her retirement do 

At which I made a speech

I had my birthday in September 

Then headed to Istanbul at the end of month

October we went to Cork for a few days 

November we got the news that my brother signed a two book deal

Then this month 

I had another bout of pancreatitis

Which was a blow 

But I am doing my best to get over 

And of course Christmas 

Which was lovely 

And in between all that 

I did various interviews and writing pieces for different on line publication which was amazing 

Yes it's been a rollercoaster of a year

But I wouldn't change it for the world 

Here are some photos from the last year...

Tuesday 29th December

It being Christmas 

And it being a bank holiday

I was at the doctors today 

Instead of yesterday

The surgery was unusually quiet

I took a seat 

And looked up to see a man from the meetings coming towards me

I actually smelled him before I saw him

Which is a terrible thing to say 

But it's the truth

This man would be considered by many as the town fruit loop

And resident weirdo 

I don't see him this way

And see nothing but a very mentally unwell person

A person who drank and drugged too much in their youth

A lonely man 

A very sad man

He spotted me straight away

And made a bee line for me 

The smell off of him was pungent 

Stale alcohol

The scent of not having washed in weeks

I have to admit

I don't particularly like meeting this man 

As he can be very inappropriate 

He is the same man who asked me me very loudly in a waiting room if I had a problem with food 

So needless to say I am wary of him

He came over when he saw me 

Sat down beside me 

And said I looked well 

Which I don't 

But anyway 

He took out a little bag

When I saw it 

I was reminded of the One Direction bag he used to sport earlier in the year

He asked if I had a pen

I fished in to my bag and found one

Just at that moment my name was called by my doctor

I told the man the keep the pen

And followed my doctor in to his room 

Before I had even sat down 

He started telling me about a fabulous new book he was reading 

He sat back in his chAir as he spoke 

As though he was in his element 

After a few minutes

He changed the subject 

And asked how Christmas had gone

I told him it was lovely and low key

He asked about my eating issues 

I told him how I think I need to address a few issues in that regard

And I hope to see Mary in the new year

He also asked if I was purging much

I said I was

A bit 

But in truth 

It's spinning out of control again

When I got home from hospital two weeks ago

I was really charged to make some changes to my lifestyle 

My eating 

My purging 

The food I choose to eat 

As well as generally looking after myself 

But 

Old habits die hard as they say

And I'm finding it difficult to make any real  change 

My health has never been a priority 

I've never cared enough about myself to put my health first 

I guess that comes from not caring if you live or die 

And I felt that way for a very long time

Now 

I want to live 

I do

But again 

The habits of a lifetime

And the beliefs of a lifetime prove so very hard to change

My doctor wrote my script

And I left wishing him a happy new year 

I can't lie 

I feel I am heading head first for a relapse 

I am now on the cusp of being underweight

The prospect of this both thrills me and terrifies me

But the thing is 

Even though I know where I am headed

And I know how this story ends 

I am finding it incredibly difficult to stop

The numbers are going down at an alarming rate

I've lost 21 pounds in the last 7-8 weeks

I worry about that

I don't want to put my family through this whole nightmare again

And even in weight terms 

I think I look better when my BMI is around 22 - 23

At the moment I look pale and wan

Weight loss is always really visible in my face

I'm just hoping I can get some top

Up sessions with Mary 

I'm also seeing my psychiatrist in the new year 

So I'm hoping to get some extra support there 

So yes 

I am struggling at the moment 

It's been a combination of factors that contributed to this slip

The navy trousers that didn't fit

My being hospitalised again

I always lose weight when I am unwell

And I guess that's not unusual

It's just really hard to bounce back from that

It's tough though 

I know a lot of us here on blogger are struggling at the moment 

I think at times like this 

We need to stick together 

Look out for one another

Support each other 

Sometimes we are all each other has

I feel your pain

I really do 

I know what it's like to feel afraid 

Alone even though you are surrounded by people 

I know this thing we call ED can ruin lives 

Not just of the sufferer 

But of everyone around them

The thing about EDs

Is that the one person who can decide to get well

Is the one person who doesn't want to get well 

I know from being on both sides of mental illness

That being a carer or a supporter is not easy 

It's frustrating beyond belief 

And it's hard work

Sister no 1 is really struggling at the moment with depression

It's so hard to see her like this 

She's withdrawn

Very quiet 

Spends a lot of time in her room

She started taking her meds again

So we are hoping that will help

But the next few days are going to be busy here 

And I know she will find that hard

We are all just trying to be there for her 

Make sure she is warm and comfortable 

Giving her space

But also plenty of hugs 

The thing is 

That we as her family 

Feel so helpless 

There is little we can do to ease her suffering 

Yes we can be there 

But we can't take her depression away 

Just like my family can't take my illness away 

But as ever

We will persevere 

Keep fighting the good fight

And keep hoping and believing in a better life 

What is the alternative?

Lie down and give up?

No 

That is just not an option

We as a family have been through too much to give up now 

That's just not our style 

2016 is just around the corner 

I'm hoping it will be a good one 

What are your hopes for 2016?

December 28th 2015

I must say

We had a lovely Christmas 

It was quiet 

Low key

Informal 

Just me

My parents 

Sister no 1 and sister no 2

And my 15 year old nephew

Dinner itself was fine

And over dessert we had a very interesting conversation about constipation and diarrhoea 

Only in my family.....

As you know 

My parents separated about 15 years ago

My Dad lives about an hour away 

He comes to stAy with us regularly 

And spent a few nights here over Christmas 

It really is quite the revelation that my family can all spend time together never mind the whole of Christmas 

Growing up 

Christmas was not a good time 

Much alcohol and drugs were taken 

It always ended in tears 

Since we moved here ten years ago

My mother has declared it an alcohol and drug free zone 

Which is great as everyone is clear when they come here 

They must behave 

So yes 

Christmas this year was lovely 

My dad stayed until yesterday

It always seems 

That when my dad goes home

He texts us the things that he would have really liked to say to us 

I got a text last night thanking me for a lovely few days 

And to give the dogs a hug from him 

Mum got a text saying thanks and that there is a lot of love in our house

My mum and I worried that he had been drinking before he sent those texts

But I am fairly confident that he knows that if he drinks 

He loses all of us 

The whole family 

So I'm hoping and praying that he isn't

The next week or so will be busy 

Relations coming to stay 

Our house transforms over night from a quiet country home

To grand central station 

My Auntie B is coming on Saturday

And my uncle and nephew are coming in a couple of days 

Also my sisters partner will be with us for the new year 

I'm only making one New Years resolution

And that is to save money 

Rather than spend it 

Apart from that 

I am not really making any 

But that could change too

I was wondering about you

Are you making any resolutions this new year?

Christmas Photos

Every year at Christmas

We do secret Santa

So everyone buys for someone 

And there is a limit of €50

I was buying for sister no 1 this year

I got her some really good body lotion

And moisturiser 

My Dad was buying for me 

He got me an apron with dogs on

A diary with dogs on

Some soap and socks from Avoca

Those of which you can see below in the photos 

In other news 

I have neither lost or gained weight over the holidays 

Yes

I Am weighing 

But it's to make sure I don't slip in to the underweight category more than anything else

My Dad told me that if I lose anymore weight

He will be really angry with me

I kniw that I am just on the verge of a very bad relapse 

And am doing my best to not let that happen 

St. Stephens Day

Its  the day after Christmas Day here in Ireland

Some of you may know it as Boxing Day

Or the day after the night before

We are all having a chilled day here

After the hustle and bustle of yesterday 

I was the first one up Christmas morning 

I got the dogs out of bed

Let them outside 

And went to wake up the rest 

Mum was up next 

So we opened our presents 

I got some lovely gifts

Avoca soap and socks 

An apron with dogs on

And a diary also with dogs on

My family know me well

After the present opening

My mum and I went to 9 30am mass

Which I slept through 

But what I did hear of it was lovely 

Then we came home 

And the rest of the family emerged 

The dogs werent forgotten either

And in total got three stockings between them with toys and treats 

Dinner was a joint effort 

Although my sister really did most of it 

And what a delicious meal it was 

Turkey and ham

Roast potatoes as well as boiled

Carrot and parsnip mash

Stuffing 

Gravy

And of course Brussels sprouts

Christmas dinner would not be the same without them 

I did my best with dinner 

And ate a small plate

I did purge though 

I have to be honest about that

For dessert 

We had the most delicious apple crumble with cinnamon

With lashings of custard

Absolute heaven in a bowl...

Dinner was lovely 

It was just the six of us

Low key and quiet

Just the way that I like it

No fuss 

No drama 

No alcohol

No fighting 

Just me and my family

And of course Honey and Lea

Who also had a Christmas dinner 

We had a lovely meal

We tAlked 

Laughed 

Joked 

We all got on

All made the effort to be sociable

Even though we might not all agree about everything 

We all put our differences aside 

And shared a lovely meal together 

Today is a quiet day 

My dad and I brought Lea for a walk this morning :

Honey elected to stay in bed 

I dont blame her though

Today I am feeling very grateful

To have a roof over my head

Food in the fridge

Clothes on my back

They say that happiness is not having what you want

It's wanting what you have 

I hope you had a lovely peaceful Christmas 

I hope you enjoyed it 

Rather than endured it🎇

Lea's new coat!

It being Christmas 

I haven't forgotten about Honey and Lea

I've been wanting to buy them coats this winter

As the weather has been God bloody awful

I finally made it to the pet store yesterday

And after I stocked up on dogfood

I had a look at the doggie coats

I immediately found one for Lea

A very fetching navy and red one

And only €14

Honey proved harder though

I couldn't find one in her size

Ie one big enough to go around her big belly 

And anyway

Honey is not a great fan of you putting things on her

When she saw me putting the coat on Lea

She ran into her bed thinking she was next

Anyway

Next down the cat walk is Lea!

Lea is a 10 year old golden retriever

Lea live with honey and Ruby 

And she loves swimming and her tummy being rubbed

Lea is sporting a fleece lined navy weather beater 

Doesn't she look beautiful....

Downtown

I went in to town today

To do some last minute shopping

Collect bits and pieces

And generally try and get ready for Christmas 

I saw a girl with a gorgeous pinafore dress on the TV last week

I thought it would be lovely to wear on Christmas Day

Classy yet comfortable

So I went to all the usual suspect shops to try and find one

But to no avail

I did go through my wardrobe last night

And did find a grey cord pinafore from years ago

So that will have to do

We have a tradition in our house every Christmas 

That we all buy Christmas pyjamas

And this year is no different 

I love getting dressed up for the big day

But my favourite outfit of all is a pair of cost pyjamas

As for me 

I'm doing ok 

Still very pale 

And get tired very easily 

So I'm taking it easy

Lots of rest and relaxation is the order of the day 

I was on my way to meet my friend from treatment 

I was a bit early 

So I nipped in to the shoe shop beside it

There was a girl sitting down trying on shoes

Our eyes met

I recognised the face

But couldn't work out where i knew her from 

She said hello 

She seemed to know me

I walked towards her 

Then it hit me

It was a girl from my ward in hospital

The one I used to pal around with

I sat down and we hugged

And swapped numbers

Which was great as if really like to stay in touch with her

We said goodbye

And I headed off to meet my friend

This girl was in treatment with me

And we both happened to be from the same area

We've been firm friends since meeting back in 2013 

This girl has her own family

A husband 

Three boys 

A career 

And a busy social life

But we try to meet up every couple of weeks

Today was our third Christmas meeting up

We talked about treatment 

The girls 

The staff 

How much we've all changed

She said that I look very gaunt at the moment 

Which I do 

I know I'm very pale 

And a bit sickly looking 

At one point 

My friend got really emotional 

And we both shed a little tear

It was good to catch up though

Friends are so important 

As I type this 

I am sitting in my mothers car

With my mother and sister 

And the stupid car won't start 

It's raining 

It's windy 

There's a storm on the way 

And it's getting darker by the minute

We just rang AA

That's the automobile association

Not Alcoholics Anonymous 

And are waiting for them to come and save us 

Typical that this happens to us 

On one of the busiest shopping days of the year 

We can do nothing but wait 

So that's what we will do 

As ever 

I will keep you posted

And is anyone is near by with a jump lead 

Give me a shout.....

Merry Christmas!

I just wanted to take this opportunity to wish all my readers a very happy Christmas and a prosperous new year!

And to thank you for your continued support through out 2015

It's been an eventful year to say the least

Many highs and lows 

And ups and downs

But that's life I guess

It's not a straight run

I know this time can be tough for us

If we are struggling with our EDs

Or other mental illness

Addiction

Bereavement 

Loneliness

Sickness 

I realise that I am more fortunate than most

I have a strong family around me

Who are my back bone 

My rock

My port in a storm 

And thankfully we are all in good health

Most of the time 

It wasn't always like this though 

Up until about 5 years ago 

Christmas in my house was utter bedlam

It was an excuse to get rotten drunk

Or out of it on some other substance

Inevitably there would be a family fight

And the whole thing would fall apart 

I can remember one Christmas 

When we all had to decamp to my sisters  apartment 

Because my father was on such a bender 

Thankfully 

Those days are in the distant past

We are having a quiet family Christmas this year 

With just my neighbour coming for dinner

Which I am grateful for 

As I don't think I could handle a big get together 

I am just glad to be clean and sober

And well enough to enjoy the holidays

As for my ED 

Well I probably don't need to tell you

It's difficult 

I don't know where I'm at

Somewhere in between my illness and recovery 

I have made some positive changes 

I am now eating breakfast, lunch and dinner at the table with my family 

Albeit small meals

But it's better than stuffing my face in front of the TV and then purging 

I am trying hard to find some balance in my life 

Allowing myself a bit of everything 

In moderation

I find this really challenging 

As I am an all or nothing type of person

All the drugs 

Or none of the drugs

All the food 

Or none of it

Also 

Eating and not purging is also a big hurdle for me

Sometimes I succeed in not purging

Sometimes I don't 

But I am trying 

God knows I am trying 

Anyway 

I really hope that you enjoy your Christmas 

Where ever you may be 

And how ever you celebrate

I am feeling very grateful 

For my family 

My dogs 

You my blogger family 

I'm hoping that 2016 will bring new opportunities 

That I will get back on track with my recovery 

And things improve for me a little 

Take care over the holidays

Keep loved ones close 

And most of all enjoy yourself! X

Gremlin

I don't know what the hell happened to blogger yesterday

It seems some kind of blogger gremlin ate twenty of my followers

I swear I was losing followers by the minute

At first I thought I had done or said something that caused people to unfollow me

But then other bloggers complained of the same thing 

I was glad it wasn't just me

And was a glitch in the system

Anyway

We won't worry about that

Those kind of problems are small fry

I am so very tired these days

And still very pale and a bit sickly looking

But I guess that's to be expected 

I have made changes though

I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with my family at the table 

And do my best to keep it down 

It doesn't always go as planned 

But the important thing is to keep trying 

I kind of feel like my body is fighting my mind at the moment 

My body wants to do the right thing

Eat well

Rest 

Moderate exercise 

But my mind craves oblivion 

Numbness 

Sleep 

I let my mind win for too long 

Now it's time to listen to my body 

To feed it 

Nourish it 

Look after it

Take care of it

God knows it needs it

My meds are the big issue though

As they have been blamed for my recent bout of illness 

So again

I've had to relinquish control of them 

And really stick to it

Today is Sunday 

And for the first time in probably years that I've had meds on a Sunday 

So that's good 

Progress me thinks 

That's all from me today folks 

I'm off to have a little nap 

Then have some lunch

See you on the next post....

What is happening?

I don't know what is happening

But I've lost 20 followers in the past few hours 

I don't know what I have done or said

Will someone please tell what is going on?

Alive and kicking!

Just a little photo post 

To show you that I am alive and kicking

Albeit a bit pale and wan

Lea is constantly by my side these days 

And Honey keeps an eye on things from her bed 

Hence why she is not in the photo

Happy Saturday!!

Home sweet home

I'm home 

Praise the Lord I am home

I was discharged yesterday at lunch time

My doctor came in the early morning

And told me that my bloods were almost back to normal

And I would be discharged that day

It was welcome news

Hospital life is fine for a while

But there's no place like home

All things were pointing to my being discharged 

I was allowed to eat a low fat diet

I was taken off the drip

I had no pain

And was generally feeling a lot better

And of course 

Hospitals don't tend to keep you one minute more than necessary 

So 

I packed up my little bag

Got dressed for the first time in almost a week 

And made sure to have a little chat with all the ladies before I went

They were especially nice on my ward

Ladies in for all kind of things from kidney stones to bladder problems 

We all bonded over cups of tea

And really looked out for each other 

I wished them all luck

Then went to the day room to wait to be formally discharged 

I was barely out of my bed before it was filled 

In fact there was a girl in the day room waiting for my bed 

They don't mess around in hospitals do they?

My Dad arrived to pick me up

And we continued to wait to speak with doctor and get my prescription

Even though I was feeling better

I still wasn't back to myself 

And was incredibly tired

I had to fight sleep sitting with my dad 

Eventually the doctor came

And spoke to both of us 

He explained that they thought the pancreatitis was as a result of being on my meds for so long

Exacerbated by my ED

And to stay well I needed to watch my diet 

Take it easy 

And maybe try and come off some of the meds 

We thanked the doctor

And made our way home 

There was a flurry of activity when I arrived home

The two workmen who did our kitchen were there 

And they gave me a racous welcome home

And of course Honey and Lea went beserk 

I've havent seen Honey move so fast since she was a puppy 

There were so many people in the house 

They didn't know who to go to first 

After sitting with them for a while 

I went and unpacked my bag 

And changed in to my pjs

And retreated to the couch with a cozy blanket 

Where I promptly fell asleep for the evening 

The rents thought that when I woke up was a good time to tackle me about my lifestyle 

I make no secret of the fact that I lead a very unhealthy life style

My food is nothing short of atrocious

I purge 

I don't get enough vitamins and minerals 

More often than not I am dehydrated 

And basically I am like a grown up child 

I eat what I want 

When I want 

And don't take my health in to consideration one jot

Heck, I only gave up smoking because of the inflated price of them

Not because of my health

I guess when you don't like yourself very much 

You don't really care about the health of your body 

You don't care if you live or die 

It makes no difference to me

But I really need to start taking proper care of myself

No more crisps

No more chocolate 

No more eating what I want 

And definitely no purging 

Which is going to be the toughest part I just know it 

I've also decided to stop weighing 

My scale is not that reliable 

But weighing yourself everyday

And recording it

Can not be healthy right?

Anyway

I don't need a scale to tell me I've lost weight

I just need to look in the mirror to see that 

Anyway

I'll just take it day by day 

I had no appointment with my doctor this morning 

But I rocked up and 9am anyway

And he saw me pretty quickly which I was grateful for 

I got my prescription

And headed to the chemist 

Where I am as I type this

This week has been a bit of an eye opener 

Change has to happen if I want to live 

And I do 

I really do 

As I always say 

Baby steps all the way

Day 5 in hospital

Yesterday I was feeling so much better

Still had pain 

But I could bear it without pain relief 

I was preparing for another foodless day

When my doctor came in to the ward to do his rounds

I swear he barely stays a second at my bed

He starts talking as he's walking towards the bed 

And barely even stops 

Before zoom....

He's gone again

Anyway 

He gave me the good news that I could eat a little yesterday 

I was over the freakin' moon

I mean I got so excited at the prospect of a cup of proper  tea and some toast slathered in butter 

Breakfast was over so the student nurse went and got me said items

I made the tea and tasted it

It was hot and sweet

And when down my throat like honey

Then buttered the toast

It was a little cold 

But I didn't care 

It was still the most delicious thing

I'm on a low fat diet

As apparently fat agrevates the pancreas

That's going to go well....

The afternoon went by in a blur

I had been awake since 4 30am

So by the time I took my meds 

I was starting to nod 

It was funny because all my room mates were telling me to lie down

Then my sister rang me

And I fell asleep 

And dropped the phone in the middle of the conversation

I woke up again

All I could here was 'Hello? Hello?'

I didn't know where the voice was coming from 

And then realised it was my phone

Very funny

My Dad came in the afternoon

And we sat in the day room 

He is taking this admission very seriously 

And gave me quite the serious lecture about changing my ways 

My food 

My daily routine 

Meds 

The whole kit and kubudle

I know

I don't need to be told 

Some things gotta give

And it did 

At lunch time I had a ham sandwich and tea 

As hospital sandwiches go

It was decent enough

Enough so for me to wolf it down

By this stage I was off my drip

And thank God 

Because it was such hassle bringing it with me everywhere I went

The doctor also said that I might get home today or tomorrow

Which was super duper news

It's Thursday morning now

And I am just waiting for my doctor to come around 

I guess it will depend on my bloods

And how high the amylase in my blood is 

It has been coming down since yesterday 

So I am hoping for some good results

Hospital stays are not that enjoyable

Especially if you are really ill and in pain

The thing that eases that discomfort are the positivity and kindness of the nurses

And the generosity of the other ladies in the ward with me

Anyone who has been in my room has been lovely 

And we all look after each other 

Which is nice 

So 

I will update again later 

To let you know if I get home or not 

I mean time 

I hope you are enjoying the run up to the holidays

It doesn't feel much like Christmas in here at all

Cross your fingers that I get home.....

Day 4

It's early morning here again in hospital 

About 6am

And day 4 of no food

I was allowed two half cups of tea yesterday 

Which were absolute heaven

I gulped them down like water

When the night staff came on

I asked one of the nurses could I weigh myself in the morning 

She wasn't too sure that it was a good idea

But I insisted that I wouldn't have a hissy fit

So the nurse just brought the scales around

A dial one in kilos 

I stood on it

And was shocked to see I had gained three kilos 

I asked the nurse how was that possible when I haven't eaten in 3 days

She said it was the fluid

That they are pumping litres of fluid in to me every day 

And that it will settle down again

Before I had a complete meltdown

I remembered that the last time I was in hospital with pancreatitis 

I gained weight too while I was there

Then when I got home

The weight fell off me

So I won't panic just yet

I'm getting to know the ladies on my ward 

There is a lot of shuffling about 

Moving people in and out of beds

But on the whole 

The people are lovely 

Some are sicker than others 

Some don't talk at all

My last neighbour talked continuously 

Like a mantra over and over against

She was 92 

A night woman 

In her day she had been a pharmacist

She went home yesterday

And two very handsome ambulance men came to take her home 

Boy was I jealous.

I also asked the nurse if she thought I'd be allowed eat today

She said not a chance

I was crushed 

I was holding on for tea and toast

It was the only thing keeping me going

She also said that I'll be here for a while

Which is also not good news

Christmas is fast approaching 

And desperately want to be home

All I can do is hope and pray that this thing clears up by then 

I just wish I could sleep more 

But it's just not happening 

Even with a sleeping tablet 

I'm awake at 5am

With not a hope of getting back to sleep 

I may ask if the dosage of the zimovaine can be increased 

As I am exhausted

I was speaking with my mother last night

She told me that I need to start taking better care of myself 

I guess this is true

I don't eat properly 

I purge 

This is all taking a toll on my body 

I just feel so fragile right now 

Like it wouldn't take a lot to bring me down for good 

Anyway

Christmas will be a chance to relax and rest 

And I'll do my best to stay healthy

I was wondering about you

How do you celebrate Christmas?

Maybe you don't celebrate at all

Do you have any traditions?

What do you eat on Christmas Day?

Inquiring minds want to know.....

The witching hour

It's early Tuesday morning here in hospital 

Before 5am

All the patients on my ward are sleeping soundly 

Making various different noises and grunts and groans 

One woman they have to move out of the ward at night 

As she is so very noisy

It's quiet though

All I can hear are the voices of the nurses in the distance

And the squeak of their sensible shoes on the tiled  corridor

Today is my third day in hospital

   

Yesterday was busy. 

I had an ultra sound scanin the morning 

In which they could see my pancreas was inflamed

Then I had an endoscopy done 

You know the one where the sedate you and send a little camera down your throat 

And have a look stout stomach and stomach lining 

By the time I got back to the ward. 

My parents were waiting for me in the day room

But I was still a bit out of it 

and couldn't even hold a conversation  with them 

Apparently 

At some stage  

I rang my sister 

 And just babbled down the phone To her  like a crazy person

The unfortunate thing is 

That I've been fasting since I came in 

Which means I have eaten since Saturday 

I am more than ready for some food

But part of the treatment for pancreatitis

Is to fast 

I swear I would give my left arm for tea and toast right now

My pain has changed more than lessened 

It now feels like a severe pulled muscle in my stomach

You know the kind where it's hard to move or get comfortable 

But I feel better

Not so much pain

Or at least it's pain I can bear

Edit: just saw my doctor this morning

My bloods are still bad 

And are in fact getting worse 

He asked me if I drink

As it's usually alcoholics that get pancreatitis

So I am still fasting 

This is day 4 with no food

But there is good news 

I'm allowed to have a cup of tea today!

And you know how much I love my tea...

It's the little things...

I must tell you about the staff here 

They really are lovely 

Some of them actually remembered me from last time which is nice

A nurses job is not easy 

They are being pulled in every direction

But they do their job with a smile 

And that makes all the difference 

Anyway 

That's all from me today 

I'm off to get my meds 

And try to get well

Take care my dear friends 

Hospital

As I type this

I am currently in a ward in my local hospital

After spending about 6 hours in A&E yesterday

I was finally moved to a bed at about 6 30pm

Why am I here?

Well 

Let me explain 

I woke up yesterday morning at about 8am

I noticed that I had a kind of gnawing pain in my upper abdomen 

I didn't pass too much heed on it though

As its usual for me to have aches and pains throughout the day

So

I carried on with my normal routine

I let the dogs out

Made a cuppa 

And settled down to write my blog

The pain persisted 

But I did my best to ignore it 

Even though I wasn't feeling too good

I still brought the dogs out for a walk

This was my first mistake 

And my second was not bringing my phone with me 

I walked for our usual 45 minutes 

And on my way back

I began to feel really unwell

The pain worsened

I was dizzy

My whole body felt heavy

And I really thought I was going to pass out 

I stopped walking

I had to 

And sat down at the side of the road  trying to get my strength back 

I wasn't too far from home 

But I might as well have been one hundred miles away I felt so bad

I swear I thought I'd never get home

I walked a few steps 

Then stopped

And that was my pattern the whole way back

Eventually

After what seemed like an eternity 

I got home 

I dragged myself in to the kitchen 

And sat on the nearest chair

Oh the relief to be home 

I explained to my sister what had happened

Then my mother

The first thing she asked me was if I thought it was another attack of pancreatitis 

I wasn't sure 

As the pain wasn't in the same place as last time

You might remember back in 2013

I had rather a nasty bout of pancreatitis 

And was in hospital for a week

But I just wasn't sure this time 

It being  a Sunday 

The only doctor we could find was over an hour away 

I spoke to the doctor myself

And she gave me the option of going to see her 

Or going straight to hospital 

I figured it would make more sense to go to our local hospital 

But even then 

I still wasn't convinced that it warranted me taking such action

My mother and sister weren't convinced though 

I was as white as a ghost 

And I couldn't sit up straight

I took my own blood pressure

It was just a little on the low side 

The last time my BP was in my boots

So around lunch time

My mum and I set off for the hospital 

The weather was freezing 

And all the way in i felt we were overreacting 

I guess I was down playing how much pain I was in though

We arrived in A&E about half an hour later 

I was glad to see there were only a couple of people in the waiting room

I registered 

And then sat down to wait 

A short while later 

The nurse called me in to assess me

He was lovely 

I explained my situation 

The previous bout of pancreatitis

And my history of ED and addiction

He to me that his sister works in a hospital in London

And he knows it's not an easy thing to get over

Which I thought was kind of him to say

Again

He took my temperature and BP

And was sent out to the waiting room again 

Not long after 

I was called in to A&E

A pretty nurse who was quite heavily pregnant sat with me in a cubicle

And asked me some more questions

I explained about my bulimia

How I had been doing well up until a few weeks ago

When I began to lose weight

And the purging increased

She suspected that I had torn my oesophagus or my stomach lining

She also said I was dehydrated 

She put a canula in

And gave me some pain relief 

It didn't touch the pain though 

Then I was brought over to radiography for an x-Ray

Which turned out to be clear 

They had taken some bloods earlier

And the nurse came back with the results 

It turned out that they suspected it was in fact my pancreas

As the amalyse in my blood was unusually high 

All the while 

The pain persisted 

And I just couldn't get comfortable 

So they brought out the big guns

And gave me some IV morphine

It spread like warm water all through my body

And brought some much welcome pain relief 

At this point my other sister came in 

She was shocked when she saw me 

I was in the kind of pain that you can't get comfortable no matter what way you sit or lie

A while later

I asked for some more pain relief 

Cue more morphine

At one point 

I heard the nurses talking about me

That I had a bed in one of the wards 

And shortly after that 

I was moved up to a ward 

I was glad to get here 

As I felt I could relax a little 

And settle down for the night

I'm in a ward with mainly elderly ladies

The woman in the bed beside me has been non stop talking since I arrived 

She is obviously confused

And keeps trying to go home 

At the moment she is singing an unidentifiable song on repeat 

I'm a bit worried about my meds though

Because sometimes there can be an issue with the methadone

But I guess I'll worry about that tomorrow

Since coming to the ward

I've had two injections for the pain

But the pain persists 

And I generally feel exhausted and weary

I also saw the registrar last evening 

He said this bout could be because of my meds

Exacerbated by my ED

But they're not entirely sure yet 

So they are keeping me under observation

My mum left soon after I got settled on the ward

My sister had been looking after the dogs

They knew something was up yesterday

I guess they could sense the stress

It's now 6 30am

And I've just been woken up to have a new bag of fluids fitted

I'm fasting as of yesterday

And I am absolutely famished 

It's going to be torture watching everyone eating their breakfast 

But hopefully it won't be long until I can eat and drink

 

Last night was tough 

I was in a lot of pain

And even though I was wrecked

I couldn't sleep

It's not very comfortable twisting and turning with pain like that

So I asked for a sleeping pill 

Which the nurse got straight away

And about an hour later 

I fell asleep

I'm not sure what today brings 

Tests I'm guessing 

And a scan 

I'm sure my family will be up too

I just wanted to let you know where I'm at 

As I've had a couple of emails from people wondering am I ok

I am

Or at least I will be 

Sunday

I want to apologise for not always replying to comments recently 

I have to admit

Sometimes I am afraid to look at my comments

As i am afraid of getting nasty ones

I actually experience anxiety before checking comments 

Even though 99% of comments are lovely 

There's always that one horrible one that can overshadow everything else

I'm also struggling to reply to comments 

As I am finding things tough at the moment 

I know I haven't been writing a lot of personal posts recently 

Because I feel like a bit of a fraud 

I'm supposed to be in recovery 

I'm supposed to be doing well 

Yet 

Every day I struggle 

Every day I weigh myself 

And every day for the last few weeks I've lost weight 

God forgive me

I am getting a buzz out of seeing the numbers go down

It's a sick sick game 

But oh so addictive 

The last time I saw Breda

She spoke about widening my circle

And doing more 

And I am struggling massively with this

I've pulled away from my friends 

All bar one 

Who I still meet every couple of weeks 

But apart from that 

And looking after my dogs 

I don't actually do very much 

I know I need to fill my days 

Get out and meet people 

Have a purpose 

I gets its a choice

Choose the ED and live a lonely miserable life

With no friends 

No job 

No college 

No dogs because I can't look after them 

No life 

Nothing but me and my childlike body for company 

Or else I could choose recovery 

And choose life 

Yes, life is scary

It's tough 

Boring 

Overwhelming 

But it's also exciting 

Fun 

Enjoyable 

With recovery 

I get to live the life I want to live

I have my loved ones around me

Family 

Friends 

Dogs 

I study

I work 

I exercise 

I enjoy my food 

And am not in a constant battle with myself over food, weight and body image

You would think that this is a no brainer

That most sane people would choose the latter 

But since when have I been sane?

I feel the pull of my ED 

I hear her whispering in my ear

All of things that will improve if I lose weight 

I can't lie 

It's so very tempting 

She is convincing 

And I have little resistance 

If I keep going the way I am

I'm going to be underweight very soon 

But the thing is 

I have reached the goal I set myself 

And in fact gone beyond it

That should be enough right?

Maybe for a 'normal' non eating disordered person

For us

The goal posts constantly shift

Anorexia will push you as far as it possibly can

To your very limits 

Until something gives

Your body or your mind 

I have no doubt that my ED wAnts me dead 

That is her goal

To either starve myself to death 

Die of a heart attack

Or tAke a handful of pills 

The ultimate sacrifice 

Having said all that 

I'm not about to throw my recovery and my life away 

I've worked too hard to get through my issues 

And I didn't come through heroin addiction just to be killed by my ED 

I have thought about sharing my weight here on my blog 

But have decided against it

I've never shared my weight here 

I just don't think it's relevant 

And I know we have a tenancy to zone in on the numbers 

And compare their weight

So in an effort to avoid that 

I won't be posting my weight 

Another reason things are tough at the moment 

Is that my sister is battling a very nasty bout of depression

And is feeling really low these days 

Its a bit of an eye opener to be on the other side of mental illness 

I'm so used to being the patient 

The one that needs the help

So to actually be the onlooker is really difficult 

My sister is quiet

Withdrawn 

Very upset at times 

And feeling quite hopeless 

It's so hard to know what to say to someone 

How to help 

My strategy to help her

Is to make her laugh

As I genuinely believe that laughter is medicine for the soul 

I give her hugs

Sit on her bed and just chat

She comes for walks with me sometimes 

But 

It's obvious that she is really struggling

It's really  sad to witness 

And my mother and I feel so helpless

And useless 

I wish there was more we could go to help 

All we can do is be there 

Make sure she is ok

That she is warm

Eating ok

The dogs are really good with her 

They sit by her 

Rest their heads on her knee

It's like they know 

And they probably do 

I've never witnessed or lived with someone who has chronic depression 

Well I did when I was in hospital 

The people who were really low rarely came out of their rooms

Only venturing out to the smoking room every once and a while 

I remember one guy in particular 

We spoke while chain smoking 

Sitting on the window sill 

Blowing smoke rings back and forth

This guy was in the depths of despair 

Like he had completely given up

He wore the same clothes day in day out 

And there was quite a smell off him

He just couldn't muster the energy to have a shower 

He didn't see the point 

Didn't see the point of anything 

I've experience low mood before 

But I can't say that I've been clinically depressed 

I do worry for my sister 

I know she that she is trying to fight it 

And it's taking every single ounce of energy out of her 

Anyway 

I just wanted to explain my situation at the moment 

I guess there comes a time when real life needs me more than my virtual life

And that's ok

I am ok

and my sister is ok

At least we will be...

Saturday

I was supposed to be getting my next piercing done this week

But the girl I went to last time is away

And won't be back until mid January 

There are a couple of others near by

But they don't come highly recommended

And they don't use titanium

So I think my best bet is to hold on for the person I know to come back

Annoying 

But necessary

Especially given that I have absolutely no patience 

And want everything yesterday 

I was texting a girlfriend from school yesterday

She has had a myriad of piercings in her time 

Including all over her ears and face

Both nipples 

And down below!

I was asking her where she gets them done 

She said she had some done in Dublin

But a few of them she did herself 

I was blown away by this 

But she said she really enjoyed doing them

Of course my next questions was how todo it

She sent a brief text that involved a sterilised needle, ice, gloves and a clean towel 

I was fascinated 

So when we finished texting 

I decided to do a little research on line

And of course 

There are many many home videos on YouTube 

Showing how to pierce various pars of your body

As well

As detailed explanations on Google

I read through a few 

And I actually did consider it 

Yes 

I am one of those slightly crazy people who thinks piercing yourself from the comfort of your own home is a good idea

So I consulted my sister

Who is always the voice of reason

She told me in no uncertain terms 

That I would be absolutely mental to do that 

And I let her talk me out of it

Part of me was relieved 

As I can imagine that it hurts like a mother....

But

I guess it gives me time to think about what to get done next 

As I'm not really sure at the moment 

I'm trying to decide between my lip

My septum

Or Medusa 

As you know 

I live my life on the verge of impulse

And often make silly decisions based on that 

So I will be a responsible adult 

And think my decisions through

Albeit being forced in to it....

Less than two weeks until Chritsmas kids!

All my cards have been posted 

The house is decorated 

The Christmas cake is maturing 

And we feed it with sherry every week

The turkey is ordered 

The shopping will soon be done 

And all I have to get is my Christmas gift for my sister 

I am looking forward to a quiet family Christmas 

No fuss 

No stress 

Just good old fashioned fun

Sans alcohol of course 

But I was wondering about you? 

Do you celebrate Christmas? 

How?

Who will you celebrate with?

Do you have any Christmas traditions?

Maybe you don't like the holidays

How do you get through?

Answers on a postcard please.....

By the way

I didn't reply to comments yesterday as I didn't read them after the first one 

Which was accusing me of driving illegally 

I'm done done replying to these comments 

And even though it's not an anonymous comment

It might as well be

When I crashed my car

That was years ago 

It's in the past 

Yes, I made some stupid mistakes when I was using 

But the clue is in the fact that I was using 

I wasn't in the right frame of mind 

Do I regret my actions from back then?

Yes

Can I change them? 

No 

So I do my best to learn the lesson and move on 

That's all I can do 

Cathartic.co

I was recently contacted by a lady called Sophie Burton

Who runs a site called Cathartic.co

It's a site where peoe can share their stories anonymously 

Help themselves

And help others too

Sophie interviewed me for the site 

And below is the link

Hope you enjoy.....

https://cathartic.co/viewblog.php?bid=18

Christmas survival kit!

Christmas is fast approaching

I swear I blinked and this whole year went by

For me

Christmas is a double edged sword

Part of me loves it

The lights

The atmosphere

The Christmas spirit

Wrapping up in woolly clothes

Snuggling up beside the fire

Going for walks in the crisp winter air

But like a lot of people 

I can really struggle with the holiday too

They don't call it the silly season for nothing 

Christmas in this country seems to be about two things

Alcohol

And food 

Both of which I have issues with 

I remember back to my teens and early twenties 

Christmas was all about the pub

I can remember going to the pub after school

Changing out of my uniform in the bathroom

On a Friday the pub staff ordered boxes of chicken wings for the punters 

Oh to be able to eat chicken wings without my ED in my head

Still

I can get nostalgic around this time of year 

And there is nothing more Christmassy than a hot toddy

Or a glass of brandy

Unfortunately 

I just can't drink 

And neither do most of my family 

Now a days we have a strictly alcohol free house for the holidays 

We have learned the hard way that my family and alcohol just do not mix

I can remember growing up

Drinks 

Followed by dinner

Followed by more drinks

Followed by huge family argument

No 

No drink is worth the peace of mind that we have now

So 

How do we get through the holidays 

Stay sane 

And not harm ourselves or anyone else?

Well

It's tricky 

Christmas time often means spending much time with family and people you don't usually see from one end of the year to the other 

It means being cooped up inside for 24 hours straight 

Putting on a happy face when you unwrap your gifts and see that auntie Margaret has given you lavender soap yet again 

It means eating to the point that you feel

Positively ill

Watching the Christmas movie

And promptly falling asleep on the couch

While your nephew draws on your face

Try not to let the idea of Christmas dictate the days and weeks leading up to it

And try not to anticipate what the day itself will be like 

For the eating disordered 

Christmas can be tough 

The build up to the holidays

Being out of your usual routine

All the emphasis on food and drink

The socialising 

Expectations for the perfect day can all contribute to stress, pressure and anxiety

And things generally being out of sorts for a couple of weeks 

I guess the first thing to do is not to panic 

Take deep breathes 

And remember that Christmas is just one day 

24 hours 

Our routine may be all over the place

But one day is manageable 

We can get through it

For me 

It's important to stay busy 

I usually bring the dogs to the beach on Christmas morning

And watch the charity swim

Then I go to mass with some of my family 

Get home

And get stuck in to helping with the dinner

Staying busy gives me less chance for my mind to wander and become anxious 

I know it seems like food is everywhere at this time of year 

But remember 

If you eat more than usual on the day

It's ok 

In fact it's normal 

Everyone does it 

So don't panic 

Don't beat yourself up

It's completely natural to eat a little bit extra sometimes 

Everything in moderation

Including moderation 

The thing I find the toughest about Christmas is all the socialising 

Our house is the main focus of our family

So there are a lot of visitors over the holidays 

A constant stream of people in and out

Actually

It's more the thought of all this activity

When it's actually happening 

It's not too bad 

It's more the thoughts of it

And the anxiety that goes with that

Over Christmas 

It's important to remember to look after yourself

To be kind to yourself 

And not to put yourself under too much pressure 

Do what you feel you can do 

Be that a little or a lot 

No one expects you to be Wonder Woman

Although we seem to expect that of ourselves 

Also 

Take some time out for yourself if you need to

Take half an hour on your own to recharge your batteries 

Meditate 

Practise mindfulness

Or get out for a walk 

To clear your head 

And take a breath

Listen to music 

Read a book

Something I have to be wary of 

Is all or nothing thinking

Eating none of the food

Or all of the food 

Thinking because one thing goes wrong

Everything is ruined 

One good idea 

Is to have a buddy on stand by 

Someone you can give a quick ring of things become too much 

You can also be someone else's buddy 

Having a voice of reason

To bring you back down to earth can be invaluable 

Of course support is a two way thing

So both of you will benefit 

Be mindful of isolating over the holidays 

Stay in touch with your supports 

Beware of all or nothing thinking that leads to unrealistic and rigid expectations

It's about listening to you and your body 

And knowing that it's ok to have what you want 

Remembering that it is just one day and nothing awful will happen if you change the rules

Reminding yourself thdt Christmas is not only about food

Food is just one part of it

And may need some planning to work for you 

With all that said

Remember it's Christmas

It's to be enjoyed 

Yes, we will struggle 

And our EDs often don't want us to enjoy ourselves 

Especially around anorexia 

It's all about being strict and regimented 

And punishment can feature too

Because you know what guys?

We are far too hard on ourselves

We are the first ones to bring ourselves down 

We bully ourselves 

Verbally and physically

We deserve a break

We deserve to enjoy our Christmas 

In whatever form that may take 

God knows we are dealing with enough every other day of the year

Eating disorders 

Mental illness 

Addiction 

Self harm

We deserve at least one day to relax

To enjoy ourselves 

Whether you are in the midst of your illness

Or embarking on recovery 

We all deserve to smile

To laugh 

To throw some shapes on the dance floor 

To let our hair down

Because when else can we get the chance to do that?

So

I wish you and yours

A very happy and peaceful Christmas

I hope you get to spend time with the ones you Iove

Hold them close

Hug them tight

Cherish every moment with them

Because they are the ones that matter

They are the ones who hold our hands

Who pick up the pieces when it all falls apart

This year I  especially grateful to have my family around me

With everyone in good health 

We have much to celebrate this year

I hope you do too...