Getting ready for Monday

The last few days have been spent getting ready to start my course Monday 

The logistics 

Sorting out travel 

My money 

My meals and how I'm going to manage those 

And generally psyching myself up to be on good form 

And ready to take on anything my course throws at me

Terror and anxiety is gradually giving way to excitement and eagerness 

I can't wait to start 

I can't wait to throw myself in to it 

To be in the midst of everything horsey for the next 18 months

As well as it being right up my street 

I know it's also going to be tough

Early mornings 

Getting up in the dark 

Coming home in the dark 

Long days 

Physically and emotionally it's going to be hard going 

But I am so ready for the challenge 

So ready to learn and grow 

And become a capable horse rider 

I just have such a good feeling about this 

Yesterday 

I had a moment of weakness 

And I weighed myself 

My mother also weighed herself 

And I weigh more than her 

This bothered me for about half an hour 

But then I realised that it really doesn't matter 

Not one little bit 

I am right smack bang in the middle of what is a healthy weight for my height 

I am taller than my mother 

I also came to the realisation 

That if I want to do my course 

If I want to be a competent horse rider 

I need to keep my strength up 

I need to keep my body fuelled 

If I stop eating 

Or start purging more 

Then I can say goodbye to my course 

Goodbye to my health 

My happiness 

My families happiness 

There are bigger issues I have to

Address 

Like being able to contribute to looking after my Dad 

I'm needed 

If I am not eating properly 

I can't do any of this 

It could be argued that addiction and EDs are extremely selfish 

I both agree and disagree with this 

I know it took me a long time to realise they my addictions effected more than just me 

It had a ripple effect on to everyone around me 

And my family were stone cold sober through it all 

I was off my face 

And oblivious to the hurt and pain I was causing 

Now I know if I want to pick up a drug 

Then it's not just my life I'm ruining 

But those around me also 

And that is too high a cost to pay 

So 

I am not getting back on the merry-go-round of weighing myself 

No good can come of it 

Today 

I am taking it easy 

And gathering my strength for Monday 

I know some of you expressed concern that this horsemanship course might be too much for me 

And I know I will struggle with aspects of it 

But I have to follow my heart 

And go with what I feel is right 

I could do the computer course I applied for 

Which would only be two days a week 

But computers don't excite me 

Horses excite me 

Riding excites me 

Anything to do with animals excites me 

So i am going to go for it 

I know I would regret it if I didn't 

I feel I have a good foundation in riding now 

Although 

When I go out to the new stables 

I'm not going to say that I have experience 

I'll play down the fact that I have a little bit of experience 

Just so the don't push me too much 

I just can't wait to get started though 

I have such a good feeling about it!

Anyway 

That's it from me for today 

Hope you all have a lovely Saturday 

And see you on the next post....