Award

I want to thank the lovely Lou over at 'My life with ed, ana, mia and neurosis' for nominating me for the best blog 2013 award
Lou you are a star
It means all the more to me coming from you as you were the first blog I started reading and I've been following your story for over a year

I'm supposed to let you know five things about myself so here goes

I'm trying to write my memoirs

I lost 2 pounds this week

My dream is to walk the Camino de Santiago in Spain some day

I hate leaving the house

I sleep with the light on


I'm supposed to nominate 5 other bloggers but I can't do this for a couple of reasons
Last time  I was nominated for an award someone got annoyed with me for not nominating them. They unfollowed me and I haven't heard from them since
So you see I'm reluctant to do that again
Also I couldn't pick just 5
I read so many blogs that I just couldn't narrow it down

So thanks again Lou
I appreciate your nomination

Silver Linings

I started writing this blog about 8 months ago
I had been reading blogs for a while before I finally decided to write my own
My family are all big readers and my brother is a writer so I've always had a love of books and writing
I started writing because I wanted to connect with others who are in the position as me
I thought that we could help each other
And having pushed all my friends away I really needed like minded people to talk to
Starting this blog turned out to be one of the better decisions I have made
I remember getting my first comment and my first follower
I was so  happy that someone had taken the time to read what I had written
Writing has given me a purpose
A reason to get up in the morning
Writing this blog has literally saved my life over and over again



I wanted to write about this today as my doctor raised some concerns about my blog
He wonders if it hinders me rather than helps me
He says people who have full and happy lives don't have time to blog
I don't think I agree with that but I can see his point in some ways
As well as all the positives there are a couple of negatives
When I write I tend to only write about my eating disorder or drug addiction
Him and Mary are always telling me that I need to find other interests
That I need to spend less time on my eating disorder
I agree with this
Out of the 24 hours in a day, I spend about 23 hours reading, writing, thinking and talking about my eating disorder
Everything else plays second fiddle
Their point is that if I found something else to do then I wouldn't be giving so much attention to my eating disorder
But so far I haven't been able to do this



Also reading other blogs I run the risk of being triggered
And there is the temptation to compare myself to others
I find reading other peoples weight very triggering
That's part of the reason that I don't reveal mine
I read a mixture of recovery blogs and blogs of people who are choosing not to recover
I guess that's a reflection of my state of mind
Somewhere between the two
But then again triggers are absolutely everywhere
On tv
In magazines
On the street
On the internet
So it's hard to escape them
It's up to me how I respond to them



But overall blogging has been a really positive thing for me
I've met some truly dear friends here
Friends that I've grown to love and really care about
We may never meet each other
We might not even know each others real names
But we identify with each other
We are all living different version of the same life
My blog is my safe place
A place to vent
To share my sorrow and happiness
To share my darkest secrets
Painful memories
To let the demons out of my head



To tell the things I can't tell anyone else
Where I can truly be me without fear of judgement
We have a unique community here
We come from the 4 corners of the earth but we are bound by a common thread
We are eating disordered
We are hurting
We are lonely
Depressed
We are a bit lost
We are struggling
We don't know where we are going
Geographically we are worlds apart
We are different ages, races and nationality
We may never meet or speak
But I consider you some of my best friends




We know exactly how each other is feeling
Some of us are hanging on by our fingertips
Some of us are in pain that is almost impossible to bear
We are fighting a battle every minute of every day
Some of us just want to disappear
Some of us have given up hope
Food and weight rule our lives
Our every waking moment
No else understands but us
They try but they can't



We are all at different stages
Some of us are in recovery
Some are dipping their toe in
Some of us choose not
But we are all in this together
I receive unwavering support from you girls
And for that I am eternally grateful

In treatment, at meetings, in my life and through this blog I have met some amazing people
People suffering with eating disorders are some of the most beautiful, caring, loving, talented, artistic and sensitive people I have ever met
I think we are hyper sensitive
We feel pain and hurt so very easily
But it also means that we feel compassion and empathy for others
I think about the friends I've made here a lot
I wonder how you are doing
I worry if you are going through a hard time
Sometimes bloggers disappear
One day they are there and the next they are gone
I wonder what happened to them
Did they recover?
Did they get worse?
Dis they go to treatment?
Did they die?

This blog and you girls have literally saved my life over and over again
Reading comments makes my day
I've been shown such unconditional love and support that sometimes it's overwhelming
I don't consider myself a great speaker so writing is ideal for me
And I've discovered a real passion for it



I feel so blessed to be part of your journey
To get a glimpse in to your world
Some of you know me better than my own family 
They say every cloud has a silver lining and my silver lining is definitely the people I have met over the years
In hospital
In treatment
And here
People I would never have met other wise
You all have helped me more than you know
To know that I am not alone is something so precious
To know that you understand
That you feel the same
That you've been there too means so much

Having said all that I was wondering about you?
How long have you been blogging?
Has it been a positive or a negative in your life?

Anorexia and drug addiction

I happened to catch the Dr Phil show yesterday morning
Sometimes I watch it if it's something that I'm interested and yesterday I was definitely interested
We were introduced to Morgan and her family
Morgan was 26
She had anorexia and also abused prescription meds
It scared me how similar our stories were
She had been suffering with anorexia ever since she was a child and after regaining weight she started to abuse meds such as oxycontin and xanax
She had been in treatment multiple times and had also attempted suicide
It was like watching my own story
Like me she gave control of her meds over to her parents in an effort to take them properly
Also her father had gone to stay with her
Just like me
Her older sister distanced herself from the family
Just like my sister
She admitted to being an expert liar and manipulator
And as much as I deny it I am guilty of that too
My mother watched the show is silence
It was incredibly uncomfortable to watch a story so close to my own
Morgan said that she couldn't stand being in her own body
That she took drugs to escape
I can relate to that so much
It showed footage of her stumbling around and slurring her words, totally out of it
My mother said that she has seen me like that too many times
Morgan agrees to go to treatment
A dual diagnosis centre in Texas



After it was over my mother asked me some questions
Did the treatment centre I went to for my eating disorder deal with my addiction?
Well the first hospital I went to I played down my addiction in the assessment
On the day I was being admitted somehow they had not taken note of the fact that I was on methadone
When the psychiatrist in charge found out that I had a drug and alcohol addiction they sent me home
They said they couldn't deal with both conditions
The next centre agreed to take me knowing that I was on methadone
But they didn't deal with the addiction
And I manipulated that to the max
I remember complaining that I couldn't sleep in order to be put on sleeping pills
I played up my anxiety so I would be put on more meds
I was on far too many meds
I never once made it through a group without falling asleep
And of course because I was so numb I made precious little progress
In fact I've never really dealt with my drug addiction



The first drug treatment centre I went to was in 2004
I was there for 6 months
I remember that I hated the groups
I just never knew what to say
I wasn't aware of my behaviours and they were quickly pointed out to me
I was told that I used 'The little girl act'
That I played the 'Damsel in distress'
Played dumb
Stupid
Helpless
So people would feel sorry for and also to get my own way
At first I genuinely had no idea what they were talking about but I now know that I did actually do this
I have an innocent face and I used this to my advantage
I pretended that butter wouldn't melt in my mouth
And used this to get what I wanted
To get out of sticky situations
And when you're inactive addiction there are plenty of those
I also did my best to get people to like me
To get them on side
This all sounds very sinister but it's how I survived as a drug addict
Some people use violence and intimidation to get what they want
I just did it a different way
Kill them with kindness
I really don't like admitting to this behaviour but it's the truth
It's what I did to get by

My mother made the suggestion that maybe I haven't really dealt with my addiction
That it is still an obstacle in my way
I suspect that she's right
I haven't been drug free since I was young teenager
Ever since then I have either been on drink, drugs or prescription meds
At the moment I'm on methadone and a couple of other meds
If I'm honest I still abuse them
Even though my parents have control of them I still find ways to manipulate them
It's very sneaky really
I use all sorts of tricks
And all the while with a smile on my face
My mother says  that she knows I manipulate
To be honest I'm not always aware that I'm doing it
The thing about my addiction is that I find it very difficult to put it in to words
To describe it
To deal with it
With my eating disorder I can describe it
I can personify it and that makes it easier to understand
To explain
But with my addiction I can't get inside it the way I can with my eating disorder
I'm not sure why this is
Maybe I'm in denial
I remember in treatment one of the counsellors called me a 'dustbin junkie'
Because I would take absolutely anything
Anything to get high
To get out of my own head
To escape
To not feel
In drug treatment I abused aerosals
One night I passed out with a cigarette in my hand and burned a huge hole in my face
I just find it incredibly difficult to just be me
With no crutch
No get out clause
To live life on life's terms
I am always looking for a way out
To feel numb
My thoughts can be so negative and destructive that I use anything to drown them out





In the morning the first thing I do is turn on the radio
So I won't have to listen to my head
I also always have the tv on
I like to listen to something so I don't have to listen to myself
When I'm walking my dogs I always listen to the radio
If I don't have the radio I'm not a happy girl
You know that person you see walking down the street muttering to themselves?
I am that person
I have arguments with myself in my head
I think back on conversations I've had with people and I beat myself up over stupid things that I said or clever things that I should've said
Do you know how exhausting it is to analyse every little thing you say?
Wondering what the other person thought of you
Whether you sounded stupid or not
If you offended them
What my body language was saying
Sometimes I am so worried about what to say that I'm literally paralysed with fear and anxiety so I can't speak at all
Better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it
I think way too much
I over think everything
To the point of being paranoid and suspicious
I'm starting to wonder whether I don't have some type of personality disorder
It really feels like something is broken in my head



So this is why I choose to escape
Because there is a war going on in my mind
A war with myself
Maybe I need to go to a dual diagnosis centre like Morgan
Although there are none in this country

I was wondering about you
Do you have certain behaviours that you use to get by?
Positive or negative

Catch 22

'The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he doesn't exist'

I first remember hearing this in the film 'The Usual Suspects' in that unforgettable scene where we learn that 'Verbal' really is Keyser Soze



It makes me think about my eating disorder
The greatest trick anorexia ever pulled was convincing us that we don't actually have it
Why?
Because anorexia tells us that we're never thin enough to be deserving of such a title
I know I question myself again and again
Do I really have anorexia?
Am I thin enough?
Am I sick at all?
The cruel thing about this illness is that we never get to enjoy the one thing we crave the most - thinness because we never believe we are thin enough
Even though the scale shows a low number
Even though our clothes are the smallest size
Even though everyone else can see it
Even though we are cold all the time
Even though we are in therapy
Even though we purge after every little thin we eat
We still don't believe we are thin enough
I can honestly say that I felt huge at my lowest weight
At the conference the other day I was worried about my speech
But even more than that
Do you know what really worried me?
I worried that people would look at me and think

'She's not thin enough to have an eating disorder'

Even though I know that's ridiculous
Even though I know it's a mental illness
Even though I know that weight is not an indicator of how sick someone is
Even though I was just was sick at my highest weight as I was at my  lowest weight
Even though I am still considered underweight
I still worried

The girl who spoke after me mentioned weight and numbers quite a bit
She told us her lowest weight, her highest weight and her current weight
In my speech I didn't mention numbers at all for a couple of reasons
I didn't want to trigger anyone
I didn't want comparisons made
And I just didn't think it was relevant
I know when I read an eating disorder memoir I zone in on the numbers and compare myself
And I did compare myself to this girl
Our lowest weights were the same
Part of me really wants to know the numbers but another part of me would rather it wasn't mentioned at all
Eating disorder come in all shapes and sizes
From emaciated to obese and everything in between
Most sufferers are of a normal healthy weight
Only a small percentage of people reach a state of emaciation
And we don't need to reach that state in order to be seriously ill
More than our weight it's about our frame of mind and our behaviours
A person can completely disordered eating but look perfectly healthy
Numbers weren't always so tricky
For the first few years of my illness I had no idea what my weight was and I didn't care
It wasn't until doctors started weighing me that I began to take note of it
The number seemed important to them so it became important to me


Why is it that we don't feel we deserve the title of anorexia?
We don't believe it
I don't doubt that I have bulimia
And the thing with bulimia is that it is invisible
No one would ever know you had you had it unless you told them or you lived with them
That's part of what makes it so difficult
Like depression for example, it's not a tangible thing
You can't see it
Anorexia is plain to see
But bulimia?
No one ever sees the true face of bulimia
Bulimia lives behind locked doors
These labels can be extremely damaging
I remember when I was first diagnosed with anorexia
Now I had been given this title I felt I had to live up to it
I felt it was expected of me
Once you label a person you put me in a category
In a box
You become anorexic instead of having anorexia




A doctor at the conference spoke about how professionals are terrified of eating disorders
Because they are so hard to treat
Because of the high mortality rate
Because the one person who can really help is the one person who doesn't want to get well
I see my own doctor every week to get my methadone script
He is well aware of my eating disorder but seems resigned to the fact that this is just the way I am
Or maybe he thinks I am better than I actually am
I am guilty of playing down my illness
Even with Mary
When I keep a food diary it's never 100% honest
I might admit to purging twice a day
But in reality it's more like triple that
Our eating disorders thrive on secrets and lies
In order to get well I know that I need to be willing to tell on my eating disorder
To blow it's cover
But that's easier said than done
I hold on to my illness
I'm terrified to let it go
I can't  live with it but I also can't live without it
Catch 22



I was wondering about you
Do you find it a help or a hindrance to know other peoples weight?
Do you find it triggering?
Do you compare yourself?

Recovery 1, Anorexia 0

I did it
I'm not quite sure how but I did it
I'm writing this today a very relieved Ruby
Ever since Mary rang me on Tuesday and asked me to give this talk I've been a mess
And I can't begin to tell you how nervous I was yesterday
My father and I arrived at the conference just as it was starting
I scanned the crowd and saw faces that I recognised
Doctors and counsellors that I've seen over the years
As I sat there I thought to myself 'What are you doing? Run, run, get out of here'
I'm sure that was my eating disorder terrified that I was going to expose her
I had actually written out my story last week so I used that
It meant that I hadn't edited it or censored it
After the break it was my turn to speak
I tried to remember to speak slowly and clearly and look up from time to time
My voice was shaky a first
But I managed to stay calm and not lose it completely
The room was eerily silent as I spoke
I worried that I was being too graphic
And then in a flash it was over
Before I knew it people were clapping and I was back in my seat
It was my mothers turn then
She spoke with brutal honesty that even I found hard to hear
The conference then came to an end
Relief flooded through my body
To my surprise people came  up to afterwards to say thank you
Complete strangers gave me big hugs
To be honest I just wanted to get out of there
I felt naked after telling my story
Mary hugged me with tears in her eyes
'I knew you could do it' she said
My old psychiatrist who I have butted heads with over the years came up and shook my hand
The organiser of the day asked me if she could photocopy my speech and if I would be willing to speak at other events
I said I would
She took my details and said she'd be in touch
But the real victory for me yesterday was that I did it at all
The fact that I didn't let anxiety or my eating disorder stop me is huge
I drove home exhausted and drained
I would love to say that this has been a turning point
That this was the day I took my life back
But the truth is I came home and binged and purged
How ironic

Below is the speech I made
Let me know what you think

Anorexia starts like a whisper in your ear
A faint echo
Her voice is soft at first
She gently lures you in
She catches you when you're feeling vulnerable, sad or lonely
She tells you that she has found the path to true happiness and success
All you have to do is follow her
She says she will be your friend
The only friend you will ever need
You don't need anyone else
Just her
She makes the suggestion that if you change then people will like you
You'll be popular, loved and in control
Truly happy
She says that she has the answer to all your problems
She knows that you feel like your life is out of control and she encourages you to take control of the one thing that you can change, your weight
She scrutinizes your body
She points out that soft curves are not attractive
Maybe you should lose a few pounds
And so this becomes your goal
To lose a few pounds
That will make everything better
You start to cut back on calories
Maybe you start to exercise too
At first it feels great
You feel powerful and in control, clean and pure
You weigh yourself and see that you've lost a few pounds
You're delighted
People comment on how well you look and you get high on all the attention
You fit in to your 'skinny jeans' and you love your new shape
It feels so good that you want more
So you lose a few more pounds
That's probably enough now you think
But anorexia is not happy yet
She wants more
Or less rather
Anorexia's demeanour has changed now
She's not so nice anymore
She doesn't ask now, she demands
She tells you that you're still fat
That you're no good
A bad person
Hopeless
Useless
Ugly
The scale starts to rule your life
Those little numbers dictate your mood, your self worth and self esteem
The number goes down and you sky rocket in to euphoria
It goes up and you spiral down in to a black hole of depression
You try to stop but you can't
Your eating disorder has become a full time job
24, 7
You work hard all week restricting and exercising
And at the end of the week you expect a big fat pay check in the form of weight loss

Your clothes are baggy now
Your soft curves are giving way to sharp edges and pointy bones
You try to stop restricting but you can't
You try to eat normally again but you can't
People have stopped commenting on your weight now
But you see them nudge each other and whisper
But you still can't stop
Your family is concerned now
They express worry about your ever shrinking body
But you still can't stop
Your family are so very worried, angry out of sheer frustration
You push all your friends away because they don't understand
You're cold all the time now
But you still can't stop
Losing weight is the only thing that matters now
But along with the weight you feel like you are losing your mind
Your world has shrunk to just you and your eating disorder
But you still can't stop
Anxiety and depression creep in
You stop leaving the house
You're paranoid and afraid
But you still can't stop
Anorexia's voice is constant now
You have arguments in your head about what to eat
It's a constant tug of war
You fantasize about  the foods you would eat if you could
You obsessively read the nutritional information on food labels
Even in sleep there is no escape as you dream about food
You're a shell of a person now
Your body is cold and brittle
You develop lanugo
Your periods cease
But you still can't stop

Then one day you break
Hunger over powers your steely control
You raid the kitchen presses and the fridge
You eat and eat until it hurts
You can't stop
You shove food in to your mouth without even tasting it
You inhale every morsel
After the binge the guilt kicks in
It's overwhelming
Anorexia screams at the top of her lungs
'What have you done you fat pig?
Look at you you're a mess
A greedy disgusting excuse of a person'
You feel like you are going crazy with all this food in your stomach
Suddenly you have a brain wave
Or maybe anorexia suggested it
You calmly walk to the bathroom clear in your mind what you're going to do
You lock the door
Tie back your hair
Run the tap
Roll up your sleeves
Lift the toilet seat
Bow over the toilet
Shove 2 fingers down your throat and purge
Your stomach expels the food
You instantly feel relief
There
No damage done
You flush away the evidence
Clean the toilet and the floor to make sure there is no sign of the crime
You feel great
You feel like you've found a loophole in the system
A way to eat and not gain weight
And this is how you meet bulimia
Anorexia's partner in crime
Now you spend your days binging and purging
You have a path worn from the kitchen to the bathroom
You can't stop
You start to steal food from shops
You hoard food at home
The weight continues to fall off
You now have the body of a child
You're exhausted 
Drained
Mentally and physically bankrupt
But you still can't stop
You fantasize about death
You go to bed hoping that you won't wake up

Your family are beside themselves with worry
They beg you to get help
You agree to see a counsellor but make no promises
You're  not sure that to let your eating disorder go
Even though it's killing you, you can't imagine life without it
You see the counsellor every week but make precious little progress
Then one day your body starts to give up
You can't go on
Your family take you to hospital
They take your case seriously  and admit you immediately
They have some one sit with you 24 hours a day
But you still manage to purge and hide food
They keep you for 2 weeks and then send you to the psychiatric hospital
They try to help but you resist
You purge in to plastic bags and hide them in the wardrobe
It's an eerie place with stark rooms and cold hallways
You know you don't belong here
A place in treatment comes up
You agree to go as your too weak to resist
This place is nice
A place for people with money or insurance
The other girls are lovely
You bond quickly
You cry together
Laugh together
Help each other
Hold each other
Be there for one another
But you also compete with one another
To be the thinnest and the sickest
Now you have been given the label anorexia you feel like you have to live up to that title
And you still can't stop
You continue to purge
Continue to restrict
They put you on a cocktail of meds
You're so weak that every time you sit down you fall asleep
You spend a lot of time on bed rest
You're not willing to surrender even though you know that's the only way you will get well
You fail to gain weight and you are told you have to leave
You are heartbroken but you have to go
Your father comes to collect you and you can see the disappointment in his eyes

At home you slip into depression
You abuse your meds
It's the only relief you get
Before you know it years have gone by
You've been to treatment 3 times and have seen countless counsellors
You've lost so much
Friends
Family
Education
Health
Confidence
Self worth
Self esteem
Any semblance of a normal life
Happiness is a dream you once had
Peace of mind is a distant memory
You spend your days waiting to die
Praying that it will be quick and painless
Is this what I've become?
Is this my life?
Why did I listen to anorexia
She lied to me
Tricked me
She promised me my dreams but she's given me a nightmare
I have no doubt that she wants me dead

I would liken living with an eating disorder to that of an abusive relationship
Like an abuser anorexia grooms you and lures you in with false promises of happiness
But once you are captive they show their true colours and how evil they really are
Even though you are miserable you keep going back again and again
Because it's familiar
Because they promise next time will be different
Because you know no other way

This is my life now
A corrupted fairytale
A lifetime movie
A girl who slipped through the cracks
Fell from grace
Anorexia has brought me to my knees
Bulimia has broken me
Where this story ends?
I don't quite know
It's an everyday battle
A fight for my life
Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two steps back
But the important thing is to keep going
To keep fighting
And most of all to keep hoping