Live fast, die young

So sorry to have gone AWOL again
My internet is down and it looks like it won't be fixed for another few days
It's driving me nuts
I've missed you all so much
I'm writing this from the library so I'll try and catch up as much as I can

I'm seeing Mary twice a week now
I had been weighing myself at home
My weight continues to drop
I continue not to give a shit
I doubted my own scale and it wasn't until Mary weighed me this morning that I finally believed the number
I've lost 8 pounds in the last 2-3 weeks
It both terrifies and thrills me
Mary said that if my weight continues to drop that she won't be able to see me any more
I'm not exactly sure why my weight is dropping
I haven't changed my diet drastically
Although I do know that a symptom of pancreatitis is weight loss so that could be it
I'm not deliberately trying to lose weight
And you know what?
I still feel huge
But isn't that always the way
I remember last year I cried every time I gained
It was so traumatic to see the number go up
And now it's dropping and I feel nothing
Just nothing

If Mary stopped seeing me it would be a disaster
My only option then would be inpatient and I'm trying my best to avoid that
I'm not functioning these days
I'm just about keeping it together
The future scares me
I never made plans for the future because I didn't think there would be one
I had a feeling that I would die young
Live fast, die young and all that
And I was ok with that
I really was

Words aren't coming easily right now
I can't tell you what I'm feeling because I feel nothing
Nothing matters
Nothing means anything
The days come and go
The weeks go by
Months pass
And nothing
Just nothing
I'm one big contradiction at the moment
I'm ok but I'm not ok
I'm bored yet I don't want to do anything
I'm full of energy yet I'm too tired to move
I feel in control yet I'm completely out of control
I'm here but I'm not here
My body is here but my mind is in another place
Somewhere far away
The two are completely disconnected
I can't remember what it feels like to smile unforced
To laugh
Really laugh
I feel like I'm outside of my own body
Looking down on myself
There's a voice in the back of my mind
I can barely hear it but it is there
It's telling me to stop this madness
To get out before it's too late
But maybe it is too late
Maybe this is it
I feel insanity creeping in
Like a dark shadow over my mind
I fear for my sanity
I worry I am going mad
Or maybe I already have

I am still here though
Despite everything I am still here
I would like to think that there is a reason for that
If there is a reason I wish it would make itself clear
I'm tired of trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing
Where I'm supposed to be going

I hope all of you are doing ok
You are all in my thoughts
If you need to contact me please do as I can answer emails on my phone

Love Ruby x

Lost

I don't know what to say anymore
I don't know where I am going
I don't know where this blog is going
I started this blog about 10 months ago
I weighed a little less than I do now and I was focused on losing more weight
It was something verging on pro ana I think
Over time it grew in to something different
I started seeing Mary
I gained some weight and maybe started to see things more clearly
I've recently culled my blog roll
I've unfollowed anything that resembles pro ana
I read more recovery blogs now
Reading about weight loss just doesn't interest me the way it used to
I hope that's a good thing
My own weight loss doesn't even interest me that much

I'm just reading water at the moment
Keeping my head above water
Just about
My Dad commented on my weight loss today
Usually I get a great kick out of comments like that but today it didn't even register

I apologise
I don't know what I'm doing
I'm not even making sense anymore
I'm lost
So very lost

Do you ever feel like you are drowning?
That your lungs are so full of water that you can't breathe

Do you ever feel like screaming?
But you open your mouth and nothing comes out

Do you ever feel suffocated?
Like you can't get enough air

Do you ever feel like you feel too much?
That you're hyper sensitive

Do you ever feel like you are unlovable
That you don't even like yourself

Do you ever feel like saying 'What is the point?'
Just lying down and never getting up

Do you ever feel like you are a burden?
Sucking the life out of people

Do you ever feel like hurting yourself?
Like stepping out in front of the next speeding car

Do you ever feel like you're about to snap?
Break right in two

Do you ever feel like you're breaking?
Falling apart

I do

What's a messed up girl to do?

Ok
This is the real truth
I've pussy footed around this subject for far too long
The truth is I'm ashamed about my life
Embarrassed
My eating disorder has beaten me in to a corner
Literally
It's left me afraid
Paranoid
Lonely
Fucked up in the head
My week goes something like this
On Monday's I go to my doctor
The chemist
Walk my dogs
Take too many tablets
Go home and sleep for the day
The only other time I leave the house is to go to appointments
I don't have the energy or the inclination to do much
I leave the tv on in the living room and the radio on in the kitchen so I won't have to listen to my own thoughts
I might or might not eat
And if I eat I will definitely purge
I don't have a job
I don't go to school
I don't have a boyfriend
I don't have hobbies
I don't see friends
I think it's safe to say that I don't have any any more
I feel tired all the time
I have to psych myself up to do anything
From having a shower to leaving the house
I constantly feel like I am on the edge
On the verge of tears
Like I'm about to break down
Lose it completely
Like I could snap at any moment
I'm not writing any of this so you'll feel sorry for me
It's just the way things are
It is what it is

Sometimes I wonder am I sick at all
Whether I am actually a bad and selfish person
I leave a trail of destruction in my wake
Everything I touch turns to shit
I am the opposite of King Midas
Sometimes I wonder whether my family would be better off without me
Then at least I wouldn't be a burden to them
This eating disorder keeps like a sick child
Helpless
Relying on others
No independence
I read other blogs who have jobs, friends, college, hobbies
I don't have any of that
I envy them
All I have is this eating disorder
It's my job
My friend
My whole world
A world ruled my numbers
My weight is dropping
Usually I would be happy about this
But I feel nothing
I couldn't care less
It doesn't matter
My weight goes down I'm miserable
My weight goes up I'm miserable
I feel cold and numb
Numb to the bone
Lifeless
I wish I  gave more of a shit
But I have absolutely no shit to give

My mind is in turmoil
I would gladly take the pain of pancreatitis over the pain inside my head
I think a broken body is easier to fix than a broken mind
A broken body is tangible
You can go to the doctor
He will tell you what's wrong
He will give you a bandage or pills
And in time it heals
A broken mind is something entirely different
You can't see it
Can't feel it
It's hard to explain
To put it in to words
For me the pain is worse then physical pain
Physical pain I can handle
But mental pain is torture
It feels like you are losing your mind
Going crazy
Losing the plot
It's a silent, invisible killer

I saw Mary yesterday
I was telling her how my thoughts are so negative
That I over think and analyse everything
My mind races
Spins out of control
That little voice in my head that tells me I'm useless
Pointless
Ugly
Fat
Unlovable
It's like a non stop film playing on a loop in my head
A film about what a bad person I am
And because I listen to it so much I know believe it
I'm just so tired
Wiped out
Drained
What's a messed up girls to do?

Do you think physical or mental pain is worse?

Still with the purging!

You know those people who have had near death experiences or have battled ill health
You know the ones
They have these amazing epiphany's
They claim that they have looked death in the face and survived
They realise that they were taking their lives for granted
Taking people for granted
They see that they are unhappy with their lot
Their lives
Their jobs
Their hum-drum, rat race existence
They vow to change their ways
To never waste another minute
To live everyday like it is their last day on earth
To do all the things they really want to do
That they've been putting off
Now they have a new appreciation for life
Renewed vigour
Motivation
Zest for life
Well that hasn't happened to me
Not one little bit





I feel my body hurting
My back and sides ache
My stomach is sore
It's distended and feels like it is churning acid
It gurgles and rumbles and grumbles and is generally very uncomfortable
Food tastes different
There is a chemical taste off of it
I have a deathly pallor
Dark circles under my eyes
I was with my mechanic the other day, who was also in hospital last week
We looked like two ghosts having a conversation about cars



And yes, I am still purging
Still with the purging
Not as much but it's still there
My nemesis
I've tried to stop
I promise you I have
But I can't
I literally can't
Not on my own at least

Judging from the comments on my last couple of posts, I'm thinking that people have the impression that I'm a lot thinner than I actually am
I'm not emaciated
I'm not starving
Yes, I was emaciated for a long time but over the last 2 years I have gained more weight than I've lost
Yes, recently my weight has dropped a little but I'm no where near where I was
I was about to write 'And I'm not being delusional'
But maybe I am
I don't know
What do you think?
You saw my photo a couple of posts back as I am today
Am I living in cloud cuckoo land?

Oh and just so it's not all doom and gloom, here are a few funny things that happened in hospital

  In casualty someone's phone rang and it was the casualty theme tune

  A nurse giving out shit to a man in casualty who kept making smart comments at the top of his voice
     For instance, every time the phone rang he kept repeating 'The phone's ringing, the phone's ringing....

  My mother arriving to visit me only to find me and my bed missing. She thought that I had died but I was actually having tests done (Maybe that one is not so funny but my family have a dark sense of humour)

  The psychiatrist asking me how long my memory had been bad and my replying in all seriousness 'I can't remember'

Have a good Monday! x

F.E.A.R

Do you know that Ian Brown song F.E.A.R?
Where he sings 'You got the fear'
Well, I think I have the fear



The last week has been something of an eye opener
I'm not quite back to myself yet but I'm well enough to think about and process recent events
I said that the pancreatitis was unexpected
That I had no warning
But is that really true?
I've been purging multiple tines a day for 13 years
Something was bound to give
And if I don't change my ways I've been warned that the condition will become chronic
So why doesn't that scare me?
Why doesn't that shock me?
I'm starting to worry that I'm not worried if that makes sense
I've been reading about pancreatitis  and one of the side effects or symptoms is weight loss
I was secretly delighted to read this
But that is truly sick and twisted
How disgusting it is to think that way
There must be something seriously warped in my head
I purged 4 times yesterday
I'm sure that's the definition of insanity



Now that I am feeling better I have a million questions
The main one being that if my meds caused this, then why the hell am I still on them?
This week has highlighted just what a problem my meds are
I've been on methadone for 9 years now
9 years
A person is not meant to be kept on it for this long
They call it maintenance but this is ridiculous
Yes my dose has been reduced but I'm not even half way there
And it's not just my doctor that is to blame
I should be speaking up and saying that I want to be off it
But the thing is that I don't want to come off it
I reluctantly reduced my dose and was kicking and screaming all the way
I'm addicted to methadone
Psychologically and physically
And also my other meds
I'm addicted to them too and do tend to abuse them
They are my escape
My opt out of reality option
If I feel like I can't cope with life, I just pop some pills and float in to oblivion
Why would I want to give that up?



I watched a documentary last week about Russell Brand called 'Addiction to recovery'
I don't particularly care for Russell Brand but it's a topic that interests me so I watched it
Russell was addicted to drugs when he was in his twenties
But he is now clean
I'm not 100% sure as he didn't mention AA or NA but I figure he uses that programme
He believes in complete abstinence from drugs
Including prescription drugs like methadone
He believes that until an addict is completely abstinent they are just bouncing from one addiction to another
He made a lot of sense
He articulated himself very well and was obviously passionate about the subject
I've tricked myself for the longest time that I am clean
That because I'm not sticking a needle in my arm I am not using
That prescription drugs don't count
I've slipped in to the belief that because they are prescribed and legal they are ok
But I don't take them properly
I never have
Yes, I may get through a few days or even a few weeks of taking them properly but in the end I always go back to abusing them
I just can't trust myself with drugs
I've always been like that
I could never have just one drink
Once  I started I couldn't stop for love nor money
One is too many and a thousand never enough as they say in AA
And if a bottle of pills says to take one daily
You can bet your life that I will take 3 or 4
Why?
Because I'm an addict
Because I can't help myself
Imagine that feeling you get just before a binge
Nothing in the world could stop you from eating that food
The world could be ending and you would still find a way to get to that food
The 2 addictions, drugs and anorexia/bulimia come from the same place
It's the same addiction just a different substance
The feelings
The emotions
The lengths we go to for both addictions are the same
I have a lot of other addictions too that aren't quite as serious but they are addictions all the same
They include tv
Internet
Cigarettes
They are all crutches that get me through the day
Without them I shudder to think how I would manage
What would be left of they were taken away?
Me I guess
And that is exactly what I've been running from all these years

Someone left a comment asking me if I was going to consider treatment again
And yes I am considering it
Mary has said she can't keep seeing me if I continue to purge
And I literally can't stop
At least not on my own
I need help
Support
I need to dedicate a lot of time and energy to it and I just can't do it here at home on my own
I can't trust myself
But if I do go back in I have to sure that I'm going to be committed and give it 100%
The last 3 times in treatment I made precious little progress
I didn't really try
I sabotaged things for myself
Got asked to leave
The last time it took me a full year to work up the courage just to ring the treatment centre
But time is a luxury I just don't have anymore
The situation is getting urgent
I can't afford to mess about
So I'm going to ring Imelda who runs the programme
At least I've been there before and I know the people
The admission process shouldn't take as long
There a couple of reservations that I have
One being that I don't think I am thin enough
God, that is so stupid but it's how I feel
Another being that I clashed with some of the nurses last time which drove me out the door in the end
If I go back I'll have stay out of trouble and keep my head down
And the last being that going in to treatment puts a huge strain on my family
It's on the other side of the country and it's a long way to travel every week as they would do
My parents have always said that they don't mind but it still plays on my mind
I guess I've a lot of thinking to do
But one things for sure
Something has to change
I'm skating on thin ice
Very thin ice

I was wondering what you think
If you were me would you go back to treatment?
Please give reasons for your answer

Home sweet home

A big thank you to everyone for your well wishes and concern following my last post
I truly love you all
I'm home from hospital
God, it's so good to be home
Sleeping in my own bed last night was heaven
I remember the last time I was in hospital I was perfectly content to be there
But this time I just wanted to get out
I felt suffocated
It all started on Saturday morning
I was awoken early with a pain in my left side
I do get pains and twinges from time to time so I wasn't overly concerned
I got up and made tea and had a smoke
But the pain was getting worse and was unlike any pain I've had before
I went to my mother to tell her and she said that I looked awful
As I lay on the couch I got weaker and weaker
I was so hot I was sweating and very clammy
My condition seemed to be deteriorating rapidly and the pain was only getting worse so mam rang NowDoc but all she got was an answering service
It was so scary as we just didn't know what to do
Not willing to risk my getting worse mam rang as ambulance
I lay on the sitting room floor writhing in agony as I waited for it to come
It was only half an hour but it felt like an eternity
The ambulance guys really were great
By now I was freezing so they wrapped me up well and bundled me in to the ambulance
My blood pressure was so low (70/40) that they couldn't give me anything stronger than paracetemol for the pain
My mother stayed behind to organize someone to look after my dogs and followed us in

We arrived at the hospital and I was seen straight away in A&E
My doctor looked about 12
They wanted to put me on a drip to get my blood pressure up so they had to put a line in
What an ordeal that was
2 doctors tried for half an hour to find a worthy vein
They checked one arm
No luck
The other arm
No luck
Hand
No luck
I just wanted to scream 'Hurry up and give me some fucking morphine!!'
Then they tried my feet
The doctor said he was using a needle that they usually use for babies
After 6 years of heroin abuse my veins have all but collapsed
He managed to get a vein in my right foot but it was so small it was pretty useless
Just then an older doctor came in
He tapped the crook of my arm twice and got a big juicy vein first time
Halleluja!
Now at least I could get pain relief
First they gave me Tramadol but it made no difference
Then they gave me morphine
I could feel the warm sensation through out my body but it didn't touch the pain
Over the next hour they gave me 4 more shots but I got absolutely no relief
They couldn't up the dose as my blood pressure was still too low
I felt so bad
The pain was unbearable and I just couldn't get comfortable
They thought that it might be my bowel so a male doctor had to inspect my 'back passage' as they call it
Talk about leaving your dignity at the door
They also gave me an enema but it made precious little difference
My bloods showed that my pancreas was inflamed so that was what caused the pain
And I can't begin to describe the pain
All I could do was curl up on the trolley and pray for it all to be over
I truly felt like I was dying

Eventually I was brought up to the ward and in to a more comfortable bed
I was completely wiped out
However I did have the presence of mind to ask for a sleeping pill
Once and addict, always an addict I guess
I slept straight through the night and all of the next day and night
I only woke up properly on Monday
I forced myself to have a shower as I was beginning to stew in my own sweat
I had an endoscopy in the afternoon
A camera was put in to my stomach to see what was up down there
But the sedation didn't work properly and I ended up throwing up every where
It turned out that I had pancreatitis
There are a number of things  that cause it
The number one thing being alcohol
But I don't drink so that was ruled out straight away
They also thought that my meds could have caused it
And of course the purging made it worse
So it looks like my meds will have to be changed

By Tuesday I was feeling a lot better
I was still in pain and my BP was still very low but at least I could walk now
Psychiatric services came to see me in the afternoon
The doctor explained that it was really important that I stopped purging or my condition would worsen
He said things had to change
He asked me if I thought I was fat
I said I did
He said that in fact I needed to gain to weight
I was really quite surprised to hear that
I also had an ultrasound done that day
And because I was having so many tests done, I was fasting most of the time
Not that I was missing out on miserable hospital food

By Wednesday I was really ready to go home
I was restless and bored and just wanted to get out of there
I had to wait around all day to get the results of blood tests and at 6pm I was finally given the ok to go
My father came to collect me and I wasn't in the door of my house when the hospital rang
The doctor told that I also had an infection in my stomach
I was afraid they were going to ask me to go back in but they just told me to see my own doctor asap
It was such a relief to be home
Back in my comfort zone
My bubble
I wish I could say that that was the day I turned eveything around
That I vowed never to purge again
But the truth is I purged twice that day
I swear, I never seem to learn
It didn't feel the same when I purged
My stomach felt weaker
Less able to preform the act
I just hope that I haven't done any permanent damage

The whole experience was scary but not for the reasons you might think
I wasn't afraid of dying
I really wasn't
But it made me realise how alone I truly am
I have relied on my parents all week
For everything from minding my dogs to just being there
My brother and his girlfriend came for the weekend and my sister made a brief appearance on Saturday but apart from that there was no one else
No one to call
No one to help
And that scared the shit out of me
My parents are not getting any younger
They won't be around forever
And how will I manage then?
I have no idea
I can't rely on my sister as she wants nothing to do with me
I've pushed all my friends away and that is my own fault
They say that when the shit hits the fan you find out who your true friends are
And when it came to the crunch, all I had was my parents
This terrifies me
Someday in the not too distant future I will be alone
I can't let that happen

Today I went to see my own doctor
I put on jeans that I hadn't worn in a week and they felt looser
It felt good
But how sick and twisted is that
My internal organs are failing and I'm getting off on the fact that I've lost weight
I really disgust myself sometimes
But that's the nature of this cruel illness

Today I feel ok
Not 100% but ok
I'm motivated to get the purging under control
I bought food today  that I'm comfortable with and avoided binge food
All these years I've kidded myself that I've been getting away with my eating disorder
That it wasn't affecting my health
That getting ill would never happen to me
But I can't live in denial any longer
It's happening
My health is failing
And anorexia and bulimia are to blame
I'm anxious to see Mary as I know she'll be able to help me make sense of all of this
Things have to change
I have to change
I'm afraid to try recovery but at this moment I'm more afraid to stay like this
Is it too late for me?
Can I turn this around?
I hope so
I truly hope so

Hospital

Apologies for being MIA for the last few days
I was admitted to hospital on Saturday and was only discharged this evening
I'm too weak to write a proper post now but I will soon and explain everything

Hope you are all ok
I need to catch up on all your blogs

All my love

Ruby x