The Weighting Game

I saw Mary this morning
As I walked up the stairs to her office I became out of breath and felt light headed
I paused at the top of the stairs to steady myself before I went in
This is happening to me a lot lately
Everytime I stand up my head feels really heavy and I get so dizzy that I think I'm going to pass out
I told Mary about it and she said it was because I wasn't eating enough and purging every little thing that I do eat
It was a difficult session
She really pushed me to make a commitment to change
There is still this never ending tug of war going on inside my head
To recover or not to recover
I'm stuck in this wishy washy, no man's land
Limbo



Bless Mary, she is trying so hard to help me
It must be so frustrating for her to watch me go round and around in circles
If I were her I'd want to shake me
To slap some sense in to me
After the session I walked up to meet my mother
I had been walking for a couple of minutes when I started to feel dizzy again
My heart was thumping out of my chest and I was sure I was going to throw up
I had to stop right there, sit on the kerb and put my head between my knees
Thank God it passed but it was scary
My eating disorder is finally taking it's toll on my health
It's affecting my everyday life
I just don't feel right
I don't feel well
Like my body is shutting down

My weight continues to drop
About half a pound a day
The anorectic part of my mind is loving it
But in reality I am worried
I'm weighing myself every day and every day the number goes down
I feel like I am spinning out of control
Like this is all happening to me and I have no say in the matter
It scares me

Mary expressed concern about my blog also
The last week I've had no internet and therefore no blogging
I actually did more outside of the house during that week
Without the internet I had to find other things to do
Mary asked me whether my blog helps me or hinders me
Up until recently I would have said that it 100% helps me
But having been away from it for a week I can see that it does have some drawbacks
My blog keeps me very focused on my ED
Thinking about it
Reading about it
Writing about
And I think the more attention we give our eating disorders, the stronger they become
Then there is the danger of comparing myself to others
If I read someone's weight I immediately compare it to my own
That can be extremely triggering
There is no doubt that this blog had had a positive effect though
It has given me something to do
A purpose
It helps me make sense of things
And of course the people I have met here has been the highlight of writing this blog
You all have saved my life over and over again
We have never met and may never meet
We don't know what each other looks like
We don't even know each others real names
We come from the 4 corners of the earth
Different countries
Ages
Races
Sexes
But we all have one thing in common
We are bound by a common thread
We are eating disordered
We are hurting
We feel a pain that is almost unbearable
We are prisoners in our own bodies
Some of us are hanging on by our finger tips
Some of us just want to disappear
We struggle every single day
Each in our won personal hell
We beat ourselves up emotionally
We believe we are bad people
Broken beyond repair
Unlovable
Outsiders
Living a half life
All we have is each other



There is no doubt that my blog can also be unhealthy
Sometimes I feel like because I have been given the diagnosis of anorexia/bulimia, that I have to live up to that label
That I have to be disordered
Lets be honest I think most of us would rather read about someone's eating disorder rather than their recovery
Am I wrong to say that?
Reading about that extreme highs and lows of anorexia and bulimia makes for interesting reading
Recovery and living life isn't always that way
Although maybe if I was in recovery I would find it more interesting
I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes this blog can be like fuel for my eating disorders
Like it helps to maintain it
Mary asked me if I would consider taking a break from blogging to see if it makes a difference
So I am thinking about  that
I really don't want to leave you all but I suppose I have to figure out what is going to help me
I have to start helping myself

With all that said I was wondering about you
Do you think there are any negatives to blogging?
If yes, what are they?
Would you rather read about someone's eating disorder rather than their recovery?
Do you think Mary is right and I should take a break from blogging
I'd love to know what you think

Hacked?

I think someone or something has hacked in to my email account
Emails are being sent from my account which I have not written or sent
So if you have received any weird emails from my me please take no notice of them

Please let me know if you have received one and what it was about

Thanks x

Live fast, die young

So sorry to have gone AWOL again
My internet is down and it looks like it won't be fixed for another few days
It's driving me nuts
I've missed you all so much
I'm writing this from the library so I'll try and catch up as much as I can

I'm seeing Mary twice a week now
I had been weighing myself at home
My weight continues to drop
I continue not to give a shit
I doubted my own scale and it wasn't until Mary weighed me this morning that I finally believed the number
I've lost 8 pounds in the last 2-3 weeks
It both terrifies and thrills me
Mary said that if my weight continues to drop that she won't be able to see me any more
I'm not exactly sure why my weight is dropping
I haven't changed my diet drastically
Although I do know that a symptom of pancreatitis is weight loss so that could be it
I'm not deliberately trying to lose weight
And you know what?
I still feel huge
But isn't that always the way
I remember last year I cried every time I gained
It was so traumatic to see the number go up
And now it's dropping and I feel nothing
Just nothing

If Mary stopped seeing me it would be a disaster
My only option then would be inpatient and I'm trying my best to avoid that
I'm not functioning these days
I'm just about keeping it together
The future scares me
I never made plans for the future because I didn't think there would be one
I had a feeling that I would die young
Live fast, die young and all that
And I was ok with that
I really was

Words aren't coming easily right now
I can't tell you what I'm feeling because I feel nothing
Nothing matters
Nothing means anything
The days come and go
The weeks go by
Months pass
And nothing
Just nothing
I'm one big contradiction at the moment
I'm ok but I'm not ok
I'm bored yet I don't want to do anything
I'm full of energy yet I'm too tired to move
I feel in control yet I'm completely out of control
I'm here but I'm not here
My body is here but my mind is in another place
Somewhere far away
The two are completely disconnected
I can't remember what it feels like to smile unforced
To laugh
Really laugh
I feel like I'm outside of my own body
Looking down on myself
There's a voice in the back of my mind
I can barely hear it but it is there
It's telling me to stop this madness
To get out before it's too late
But maybe it is too late
Maybe this is it
I feel insanity creeping in
Like a dark shadow over my mind
I fear for my sanity
I worry I am going mad
Or maybe I already have

I am still here though
Despite everything I am still here
I would like to think that there is a reason for that
If there is a reason I wish it would make itself clear
I'm tired of trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing
Where I'm supposed to be going

I hope all of you are doing ok
You are all in my thoughts
If you need to contact me please do as I can answer emails on my phone

Love Ruby x

Lost

I don't know what to say anymore
I don't know where I am going
I don't know where this blog is going
I started this blog about 10 months ago
I weighed a little less than I do now and I was focused on losing more weight
It was something verging on pro ana I think
Over time it grew in to something different
I started seeing Mary
I gained some weight and maybe started to see things more clearly
I've recently culled my blog roll
I've unfollowed anything that resembles pro ana
I read more recovery blogs now
Reading about weight loss just doesn't interest me the way it used to
I hope that's a good thing
My own weight loss doesn't even interest me that much

I'm just reading water at the moment
Keeping my head above water
Just about
My Dad commented on my weight loss today
Usually I get a great kick out of comments like that but today it didn't even register

I apologise
I don't know what I'm doing
I'm not even making sense anymore
I'm lost
So very lost

Do you ever feel like you are drowning?
That your lungs are so full of water that you can't breathe

Do you ever feel like screaming?
But you open your mouth and nothing comes out

Do you ever feel suffocated?
Like you can't get enough air

Do you ever feel like you feel too much?
That you're hyper sensitive

Do you ever feel like you are unlovable
That you don't even like yourself

Do you ever feel like saying 'What is the point?'
Just lying down and never getting up

Do you ever feel like you are a burden?
Sucking the life out of people

Do you ever feel like hurting yourself?
Like stepping out in front of the next speeding car

Do you ever feel like you're about to snap?
Break right in two

Do you ever feel like you're breaking?
Falling apart

I do

What's a messed up girl to do?

Ok
This is the real truth
I've pussy footed around this subject for far too long
The truth is I'm ashamed about my life
Embarrassed
My eating disorder has beaten me in to a corner
Literally
It's left me afraid
Paranoid
Lonely
Fucked up in the head
My week goes something like this
On Monday's I go to my doctor
The chemist
Walk my dogs
Take too many tablets
Go home and sleep for the day
The only other time I leave the house is to go to appointments
I don't have the energy or the inclination to do much
I leave the tv on in the living room and the radio on in the kitchen so I won't have to listen to my own thoughts
I might or might not eat
And if I eat I will definitely purge
I don't have a job
I don't go to school
I don't have a boyfriend
I don't have hobbies
I don't see friends
I think it's safe to say that I don't have any any more
I feel tired all the time
I have to psych myself up to do anything
From having a shower to leaving the house
I constantly feel like I am on the edge
On the verge of tears
Like I'm about to break down
Lose it completely
Like I could snap at any moment
I'm not writing any of this so you'll feel sorry for me
It's just the way things are
It is what it is

Sometimes I wonder am I sick at all
Whether I am actually a bad and selfish person
I leave a trail of destruction in my wake
Everything I touch turns to shit
I am the opposite of King Midas
Sometimes I wonder whether my family would be better off without me
Then at least I wouldn't be a burden to them
This eating disorder keeps like a sick child
Helpless
Relying on others
No independence
I read other blogs who have jobs, friends, college, hobbies
I don't have any of that
I envy them
All I have is this eating disorder
It's my job
My friend
My whole world
A world ruled my numbers
My weight is dropping
Usually I would be happy about this
But I feel nothing
I couldn't care less
It doesn't matter
My weight goes down I'm miserable
My weight goes up I'm miserable
I feel cold and numb
Numb to the bone
Lifeless
I wish I  gave more of a shit
But I have absolutely no shit to give

My mind is in turmoil
I would gladly take the pain of pancreatitis over the pain inside my head
I think a broken body is easier to fix than a broken mind
A broken body is tangible
You can go to the doctor
He will tell you what's wrong
He will give you a bandage or pills
And in time it heals
A broken mind is something entirely different
You can't see it
Can't feel it
It's hard to explain
To put it in to words
For me the pain is worse then physical pain
Physical pain I can handle
But mental pain is torture
It feels like you are losing your mind
Going crazy
Losing the plot
It's a silent, invisible killer

I saw Mary yesterday
I was telling her how my thoughts are so negative
That I over think and analyse everything
My mind races
Spins out of control
That little voice in my head that tells me I'm useless
Pointless
Ugly
Fat
Unlovable
It's like a non stop film playing on a loop in my head
A film about what a bad person I am
And because I listen to it so much I know believe it
I'm just so tired
Wiped out
Drained
What's a messed up girls to do?

Do you think physical or mental pain is worse?

Still with the purging!

You know those people who have had near death experiences or have battled ill health
You know the ones
They have these amazing epiphany's
They claim that they have looked death in the face and survived
They realise that they were taking their lives for granted
Taking people for granted
They see that they are unhappy with their lot
Their lives
Their jobs
Their hum-drum, rat race existence
They vow to change their ways
To never waste another minute
To live everyday like it is their last day on earth
To do all the things they really want to do
That they've been putting off
Now they have a new appreciation for life
Renewed vigour
Motivation
Zest for life
Well that hasn't happened to me
Not one little bit





I feel my body hurting
My back and sides ache
My stomach is sore
It's distended and feels like it is churning acid
It gurgles and rumbles and grumbles and is generally very uncomfortable
Food tastes different
There is a chemical taste off of it
I have a deathly pallor
Dark circles under my eyes
I was with my mechanic the other day, who was also in hospital last week
We looked like two ghosts having a conversation about cars



And yes, I am still purging
Still with the purging
Not as much but it's still there
My nemesis
I've tried to stop
I promise you I have
But I can't
I literally can't
Not on my own at least

Judging from the comments on my last couple of posts, I'm thinking that people have the impression that I'm a lot thinner than I actually am
I'm not emaciated
I'm not starving
Yes, I was emaciated for a long time but over the last 2 years I have gained more weight than I've lost
Yes, recently my weight has dropped a little but I'm no where near where I was
I was about to write 'And I'm not being delusional'
But maybe I am
I don't know
What do you think?
You saw my photo a couple of posts back as I am today
Am I living in cloud cuckoo land?

Oh and just so it's not all doom and gloom, here are a few funny things that happened in hospital

  In casualty someone's phone rang and it was the casualty theme tune

  A nurse giving out shit to a man in casualty who kept making smart comments at the top of his voice
     For instance, every time the phone rang he kept repeating 'The phone's ringing, the phone's ringing....

  My mother arriving to visit me only to find me and my bed missing. She thought that I had died but I was actually having tests done (Maybe that one is not so funny but my family have a dark sense of humour)

  The psychiatrist asking me how long my memory had been bad and my replying in all seriousness 'I can't remember'

Have a good Monday! x

F.E.A.R

Do you know that Ian Brown song F.E.A.R?
Where he sings 'You got the fear'
Well, I think I have the fear



The last week has been something of an eye opener
I'm not quite back to myself yet but I'm well enough to think about and process recent events
I said that the pancreatitis was unexpected
That I had no warning
But is that really true?
I've been purging multiple tines a day for 13 years
Something was bound to give
And if I don't change my ways I've been warned that the condition will become chronic
So why doesn't that scare me?
Why doesn't that shock me?
I'm starting to worry that I'm not worried if that makes sense
I've been reading about pancreatitis  and one of the side effects or symptoms is weight loss
I was secretly delighted to read this
But that is truly sick and twisted
How disgusting it is to think that way
There must be something seriously warped in my head
I purged 4 times yesterday
I'm sure that's the definition of insanity



Now that I am feeling better I have a million questions
The main one being that if my meds caused this, then why the hell am I still on them?
This week has highlighted just what a problem my meds are
I've been on methadone for 9 years now
9 years
A person is not meant to be kept on it for this long
They call it maintenance but this is ridiculous
Yes my dose has been reduced but I'm not even half way there
And it's not just my doctor that is to blame
I should be speaking up and saying that I want to be off it
But the thing is that I don't want to come off it
I reluctantly reduced my dose and was kicking and screaming all the way
I'm addicted to methadone
Psychologically and physically
And also my other meds
I'm addicted to them too and do tend to abuse them
They are my escape
My opt out of reality option
If I feel like I can't cope with life, I just pop some pills and float in to oblivion
Why would I want to give that up?



I watched a documentary last week about Russell Brand called 'Addiction to recovery'
I don't particularly care for Russell Brand but it's a topic that interests me so I watched it
Russell was addicted to drugs when he was in his twenties
But he is now clean
I'm not 100% sure as he didn't mention AA or NA but I figure he uses that programme
He believes in complete abstinence from drugs
Including prescription drugs like methadone
He believes that until an addict is completely abstinent they are just bouncing from one addiction to another
He made a lot of sense
He articulated himself very well and was obviously passionate about the subject
I've tricked myself for the longest time that I am clean
That because I'm not sticking a needle in my arm I am not using
That prescription drugs don't count
I've slipped in to the belief that because they are prescribed and legal they are ok
But I don't take them properly
I never have
Yes, I may get through a few days or even a few weeks of taking them properly but in the end I always go back to abusing them
I just can't trust myself with drugs
I've always been like that
I could never have just one drink
Once  I started I couldn't stop for love nor money
One is too many and a thousand never enough as they say in AA
And if a bottle of pills says to take one daily
You can bet your life that I will take 3 or 4
Why?
Because I'm an addict
Because I can't help myself
Imagine that feeling you get just before a binge
Nothing in the world could stop you from eating that food
The world could be ending and you would still find a way to get to that food
The 2 addictions, drugs and anorexia/bulimia come from the same place
It's the same addiction just a different substance
The feelings
The emotions
The lengths we go to for both addictions are the same
I have a lot of other addictions too that aren't quite as serious but they are addictions all the same
They include tv
Internet
Cigarettes
They are all crutches that get me through the day
Without them I shudder to think how I would manage
What would be left of they were taken away?
Me I guess
And that is exactly what I've been running from all these years

Someone left a comment asking me if I was going to consider treatment again
And yes I am considering it
Mary has said she can't keep seeing me if I continue to purge
And I literally can't stop
At least not on my own
I need help
Support
I need to dedicate a lot of time and energy to it and I just can't do it here at home on my own
I can't trust myself
But if I do go back in I have to sure that I'm going to be committed and give it 100%
The last 3 times in treatment I made precious little progress
I didn't really try
I sabotaged things for myself
Got asked to leave
The last time it took me a full year to work up the courage just to ring the treatment centre
But time is a luxury I just don't have anymore
The situation is getting urgent
I can't afford to mess about
So I'm going to ring Imelda who runs the programme
At least I've been there before and I know the people
The admission process shouldn't take as long
There a couple of reservations that I have
One being that I don't think I am thin enough
God, that is so stupid but it's how I feel
Another being that I clashed with some of the nurses last time which drove me out the door in the end
If I go back I'll have stay out of trouble and keep my head down
And the last being that going in to treatment puts a huge strain on my family
It's on the other side of the country and it's a long way to travel every week as they would do
My parents have always said that they don't mind but it still plays on my mind
I guess I've a lot of thinking to do
But one things for sure
Something has to change
I'm skating on thin ice
Very thin ice

I was wondering what you think
If you were me would you go back to treatment?
Please give reasons for your answer