Monday

Monday morning
Usual rituals
Doctor
Chemist
Walk my dogs
Come home and sleep the day away
It's funny how I get such comfort from ritual and routine
Knowing that things are the same
That this is what happens
Knowing it's predictable
It's less anxiety provoking
It's safe
Little things throw me
Running in to someone in the street
An unexpected knock at the door
Any change to my routine makes me feel anxious and scared
But it's next to impossible to avoid unpredictabilty
Life is unpredictable
Things don't always go the way you planned
Why is that not ok with me?
Today was slightly different as it will be my last Monday morning ritual for a while
If everything goes to plan I will be in treatment by the weekend

My doctor doesn't seen to enthused that I am going in
I suppose he's thinking that we've been here before and nothing changed
He increased my meds as he could see that I was quite anxious
Now I have 8 days meds when I only need 4
I didn't say anything
I wanted the extra meds
Bad Ruby, very bad!

This week there is a lot to do
Getting packed
I probably have way too much stuff but I live 3 hours away for the hospital so I need to prepare for every eventuality

Some motivational reading
An apple a day by Emma Woolf (Virginia Woolf's great grandniece)
And Gaining, The truth about life after eating disorders

 Not forgetting Ted
I will have no doggies to cuddle so this is the next best thing

My favourite cup that I bring every time I go in to treatment because a lot of time is spent having a cuppa and a smoke (Anything can be resolved over a cuppa and a smoke

Not forgetting my favourite notebook

I may even take up knitting!

This week I will be spending a lot of time with my best girls, I can't tell you how much I am going to miss them

Sorting out my meds

Reading and signing my contracts (Including weight restoration aaaaagghhh!!)

And you can bet your ass I will drinking copious amounts of tea and chain smoking

I'm worried about going in
I'm worried about fitting in with the other patients
I'm worried about being judged
 About gaining weight
About not gaining weight and being discharged
So many things
But if I thought too much about these things I would never go

I was wondering about you
Have you been to treatment?
Do you have any words wisdom?
Any advice greatly appreciated

The 'weighting' game

Apologies for posting so much these last few days
I am full of nervous energy and the only way to calm down is to write

I rang Imelda this morning
I got her voicemail so I left a message
She rang me back a short time later
I told her my decision
That I want to go in
She asked me when
I said Monday week
That would give me a full week to prepare myself
She said that if I went in on a Monday, then I would have to wait a whole week before starting the programme
She suggested that I go in next weekend
We agreed that Friday would be the best day
That would give me a couple of days to settle in
So she put my name on the list and now I just have to wait for a phonecall which will come Thursday or Friday morning

It's happening
It's actually happening
As I said I am a ball of anxiety
I don't know what to do with myself

My bag is packed already
Carefully selected clothes that won't restrict me as I gain weight
I am on high alert and the purging is out of control
I guess I am having 'The Last Supper'

As you know I won't be blogging when I go in but I will give a update at some point
This isn't my last post
Expect mucho posts in the next week
Please email me if you'd like the address of the hospital

Now I play the 'weighting' game........

The Assessment

I had my assessment yesterday
I was up before the sun to leave the house at 7 30am to catch the 9am train to Dublin
My Dad came with me
We arrived in Dublin around noon and jumped in to a taxi to go straight to the hospital
Driving in to the grounds was so weird
And walking in was ever weirder
Nothing had changed
Not one thing
Suddenly it was like I had never left
It's strange to think that all this time the hospital had been up and running
For me time has stood still there
I saw faces that I recognized
Nurses that looked familiar
Patients whose face I knew but couldn't place their names
So many memories

We avoided the restaurant where all the staff would be having their lunch and decided to head to the coffee shop instead
It was eerily quite
Probably because most people were at lunch on their respective wards
The staff in the coffee shop were the same
I wondered did they recognize me
The girl who used to buy 10 chocolate bars at a time and copious cups of tea

We got tea and sandwiches and settled in a seat beside the window
I didn't  particularly want the food but I ate in anyway and then straight to the bathroom to purge
At one point I saw someone I recognized walking by
She had her back to me but I was almost sure that it was a girl that was in with me during my last admission
She was painfully thin

My Dad went to pour my tea, missed the cup entirely and the scalding water landed in my lap
I yelped in pain
The as he was taking down his umbrella he inadvertently whacked me in the face with it
My nerves were shot

I still had an hour to kill so I went for a walk by myself around the grounds
Once I started I found it very hard to stop even though it was pouring rain
I remember walking there over and over again when I was a patient
I walked around 4 times then it was time to go meet Imelda

I made my way through the maze of corridors and knocked on her office door
No answer
So I sat outside to wait
Soon she arrived and greeted me with a big smile
We sat in her office and caught up a little
Then it was down to business
First she took my weight height
I didn't look
I didn't want to know
I explained my situation as best as I could
Described the last year
I was honest
There was no point in giving a censored version

We talked about how weight gain was always my stumbling block
I told her how I didn't see that I was underweight but I accepted that I had a distorted view of myself
She said that weight gain is an essential part of recovery
You can't have one without the other
Another stumbling block was the purging
I never got a handle on the purging on any of my 3 past admissions
And also my drowsiness
Imelda said that when I fell asleep in groups, she didn't know if it was my meds or that I was switching off
I think it's a combination of both I said
So those are the things that I need to get on top of

We talked for along time about my ED
I confessed to abusing enemas
And also the shoplifting
I was relieved to hear her say that shoplifting food is not uncommon for someone with an ED
She said that she was talking to someone recently who was also using this behaviour
She also said that once a girl on the programme was caught shoplifting while out on her day out
The gardai brought her back

Imelda told me that there is no waiting list
I asked her about the other patients
She said that there are 4 at the moment with a range of different EDs and weights
She explained that most of the girls in at the moment are quite young but that there is a woman in the thirties going in soon and also a woman in her forties
I was glad to hear this
Glad that there was some around my own age

I asked Imelda what my next step was
She to go home
Talk to my family
Think about if this is what I want
Read the literature she gave me and ring her on Friday to let her know if I want to proceed or not
Although she said that I seem to have made up my mind
I said I would do that and ring in Friday
I said that I almost positive that I want to go in but would need a couple of weeks to get myself togetheR
She asked why I needed 2 weeks
I couldn't actually answer her
The truth was that I wanted some time to lose more weight
I didn't say that though
She said not to leave it too long or I would end up taking myself out of it
And that's a distinct possibly

The assessment was an hour and a half long
I came out feeling very tired and drained
I hope I came across as motivated
I hope she could see how much I want this
Because I do
I really do

My Dad and I caught a taxi and headed back in to town to get the 5pm train
I slept some of the way home but then the train came to standstill in the middle of nowhere
We were there for aged and then found out that the train had hit a cow!
Very weird
We finally arrived back at 8 30pm
My Dad wanted to get a takeaway so we stopped on the way home to get chips
I got chicken nuggets and chips and 2 portions of curry sauce
Eventually we arrived home after 10pm
I haven't had chips in the longest time
They were so good
But I purged
I purged 3 more times before the night was over
At 1am I got in to bed and was out like a light
It really was the longest day

Today I feel tired
I have to ring Imelda tomorrow and my ED is in overdrive trying to sabotage my good intentions
She is panicking at the thought of me breaking free
I will ring tomorrow
And I will say yes, I want to go in
I think I will say that I want to go in the week after next
I think that's a reasonable time frame

It's scary because now it's all real
It's actually happening
Up until now I have been talking the talk
Now it's time to walk the walk
Part of me wants to run in the opposite direction and forget the whole thing
Part of me wants to swallow all my meds with a bottle of vodka
Part of me thinks that this is a really bad a idea
Part of me is just so afraid
But a bigger part of me does want this and I'm trying to hold on to that
This is a great opportunity to break free and take my life back
I am fortunate that I have the option to go to treatment
If I didn't have health insurance I would be up shit creek

Today I am taking it easy
Resting
Thinking
Preparing myself to do this
That's all I can do for now

A big thank you to all who read and comment
It means more than you know to know that all of you are behind me
Each and every one of you have been so supportive and kind
Thank you

Tomorrow

My assessment is tomorrow
I am beyond anxious
I will travel to Dublin tomorrow morning with my Dad and my assessment is at half two in the afternoon
Walking back in to that hospital will be so difficult
Seeing old faces
Memories flooding back
Seeing the corridors I walked down
The rooms I sat in
The places I went to cry
The grounds I walked every day
It will be so strange

Technically it is a psychiatric hospital but it really is a lovely place
It doesn't really have a hospital feel
It has beautiful grounds
A huge coffee shop where everyone meets
2 restaurants
And the ward where I will be is quite nice too
The ED patients stay on this ward but these are also other patients on the ward too
I like that because it means that there is always other people to talk to

When you first go in you are put in a double room near to the nurses station sharing with someone else
But as you get settled you are moved to the corridor to a room of your own
And the rooms are lovely
They are big so it's like having your own little apartment with your own bathroom and you can bring in anything you like to make it cosy

So much happened during my last 3 admissions
The first time I was there I was with another girl when she got the call that her family had been murdered
I still remember her howling
People harm themselves
Try to kill themselves
Some succeed
But I also have some fond memories of being in there
I met the most amazing people
It's strange
I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin as I did when I was in that hospital
Strange but true

I have to admit I feel embarrassed walking in tomorrow at this weight
Although I have no ides what my weight is I feel huge
I'm afraid that I will laughed out of there
And being weighed tomorrow will be pretty traumatic
I have to keep reminding myself that it is not about what I weigh
It's about my behaviours
And my behaviours are off the freakin' wall
It is not yet lunch time and I have already been to the shops to buy (shoplift) binge food
My Dad came down this morning and he told me that I am out of control
And I am
I can't stop binging and purging
I literally can't stop
It is driving me insane
The never ending march from the kitchen to the bathroom
I have a path worn

I asked my father if being like this is similar to when I was using and which was worse
He couldn't answer
He said that they are similar but also different
It's obvious that he finds it really difficult to witness my behaviour

Have you ever seen the Dr Phil show called 'The worst anorexic and bulimic you will ever see'?
It aired a few years ago
It followed Amy's story
Amy was 28 at the time
She had a very serious ED and purged up to 150 times a day
She weighed 60lbs
As I watched it I thought to myself 'That girl is way worse than me'
But as I continued to watch I couldn't deny the similarities between us
She couldn't stop binging and purging and neither can I
Yes she may weigh less than me but the behaviours are the same
At one point it showed Amy talking about the contents of her fridge
She took out a huge jar of pickles and said that they are her most favourite food
I am a pickle addict
I love the sour taste and I drink the vinegar
Any also said that she is a 'huge condiment fan'
Me too
I cover my food in salt and pepper and sauce or gravy
Can't eat food without it
Mary tells me that I crave these condiments because I want my food to have as much flavour as possible
That's true I think

I have to confess that I took a double dose of my meds today
I just can't handle the anxiety and anticipation
I just want tomorrow to be over
I want it to be done
I can't think beyond tomorrow
If they say that I can come in straight away I will cross that bridge when I come it
I'll be as honest as I can
Tell the truth about he horror of my life
There's no point in hiding it anymore
No point at all

Anyway I'm off to have a little nap
Wish me luck for tomorrow
I'm going to need it......

Anorexia fights back

Ok so I know I probably have come across very positive and 'ready for recovery' recently
I have been trying my best to be
 I almost had myself convinced that this is what I want
And it is
But it isn't, if that makes any sense
I have been telling my family that this is it
It's going to happen this time
I'm finally going to put my fuck-wittery and God for saken ED behind me once and for all
I've been  talking about all the things that I am going to do differently
How recovery is going to be awesome and I'm going to be the best little recovering anorectic that ever was
Some lovely people commented on my blog that I am brave and strong
Although they are kind words I cringed as I read them
Because you know what?
The truth is I'm terrified
The truth is I haven't properly thought about what I will do after I set foot in that hospital
The truth is that I think I've been trying to convince myself aswell as everyone else that I'm going to recover
The truth is that I don't know what the hell I'm doing or where I am going
That I didn't bank on treatment happening so soon
I didn't think it would happen before Christmas
I thought I would have a couple of months to have one last big blow out
The truth is my ED is making plans for when I come home
That I will lose weight and manage my weight at a low but not critical level to keep the heat off me
How messed up is that?
I'm already planning to lose the weight that I have not yet gained
I know that it's my ED and not me
It's just so sneaky
So sinister
I can't distinguish my own thoughts from my ED
It's like she realises her position of power is now in jeopardy and she is trying to lure me back in
Trying to sabotage me before I even have a chance of recovery

I guess these feeling are normal
I remember when quitting drugs I wasn't sure it was what I wanted but I was willing to give it a shot
And it worked out for the most part
I wouldn't hold on to my ED so tightly if there weren't some benefits
And there are but they are few and far between these days
The purging is so so bad
I've never felt so out of control
And this thing only get worse although how it could get any worse I do not know

I saw my doctor this morning
Because I am feeling all these shitty feelings I decided to test the waters to see if he would up my meds
Just to get a little relief
That right there is classic addict behaviour
I explained that my anxiety is through the rough and I'm not sleeping
This is partly true
He said that if things didn't improve  he would increase them next week
So you can bet your bottom dollar that no matter how I get on this week I will telling him the same thing I did today
Or maybe I won't
I don't know
I know that this is just me panicking at the thought of all my escape methods being taken away from me

To my surprise he brought up the subject of reducing my methadone
I said it wasn't a good time
'Next week then' he said
'No comment' I replied

I have stopped weighing completely and in my head I have gained the weight of a baby elephant
I can't bring myself to weigh
It's just too anxiety provoking
So instead I did the next best thing
I tried on my smallest pair of trousers to see if they still fit
They did
I felt better

Despite the way I am feeling I will plough ahead
 I will attend the assessment on Wednesday
I will go in when a get a date
But beyond that I just don't know
Please tell me it's normal to feel this way
Please tell I am not crazy
If anyone has been through this please do let me know how it was for you
I need to hear that what I am feeling is ok
That I am not a bad person for feeling so confused
That this is all part of a greater plan

After the doctor I cleared my head with a walk on beautiful Bundoran beach with my 2 best girls
I seem to only post photos of me with my dogs
I do have friends, I promise you
Well 2 friends, he he
But for a drug addict with a raging ED that's pretty good going

Anyway, over to you.............

Goodbye anorexia

Mary has been telling me for a long time that I should get rid of clothes that are in a very small size
My 'anorexic clothes' as I call them
And for the longest time I have resisting doing this
Mainly because I had no intention of gaining weight
But weight gain is going to happen
For real
These clothes are not going to fit me anymore and I hopefully I won't ever need them again
This is not just a closet clean out
This is saying goodbye to anorexia
It's making a commitment to gain weight and maintain it
It's an action that says 'I'm moving on and I'm leaving my ED behind me'
I guess it's symbolic
Symbolic of saying goodbye to my anorexic self
I don't need to tell you how hard this is

So during the week I began the 'purge' of my 'anorexic clothes'
My mother was close by for moral support
To be honest a lot of the stuff was clothes that I just didn't wear any more regardless of the size
I filled 2 black bags
I have to admit though I kept my favourite anorexic clothes
My reason being that I need them for the moment
I found the blue jeans that I am wearing in the photos below, in a shop in France a few years ago
I was 80lbs and I was overjoyed to find a lovely pair of jeans that actually fit me
I love them
They are by far my favourite jeans
Throwing them out is proving very difficult

I've had to think about how I'm going to handle my clothes situation when in treatment
I don't want to bring a selection of clothes in different sizes
So what I've decided to do is bring is the clothes that fit me right now
Leave clothes that will fit me at home
And my mother can bring them in as I need them and take the clothes that are too small home with her
It's the easiest way I think

Mary suggested that because I am on a limited income that I ask my parents for help buying some new clothes
Financially I mean
I think that is a stroke of genius, he he!
So this morning my mother and I hit the shops
I live near a surfing town so there are a few really cool surf shops with funky hoodies
I have jeans in every size known to man so I don't need any new ones
So today my mission was to buy a couple of hoodies
I am a hoody, jeans and trainers girl
I guess the look is kind of surfy but I am by no means a surfer
We concentrated on one shop as that is all I could really handle
Within a couple of minutes of being in the shop I found 4 hoodies that I really liked
I tried them all on and it wasn't as traumatic as I was anticipating
The smallest size was too big for me that's good as I can grow in to them
I narrowed my choice down to 2 and I was really happy with them
I also bought a little hat
All in all it was a positive experience and I am so grateful to my mother for helping me out
These things are stressful and my mother is a great support
This is another step in embracing recovery
Weight gain has always been my down fall but now I feel ready
I feel ready for treatment
I feel ready to fight hard
I feel so ready to leave this illness behind me and live my life
Bring it on weight gain!

So here are my new threads
I'd love to know what you think?

Blue fleecy hoody, Roxy and favourite blue jeans

Navy hoody with flowers 

To keep my little head warm

Once upon a time..................

Once upon a time there was a girl called Ruby
To the outside world she had everything
A nice home
A loving family
Lots of friends
Good grades
She had big dreams to make it out of her small town
She wanted to be a dancer and she studied ballet and jazz
Dancing was all she really cared about
But behind the thin veil of her perfect life, cracks were beginning to appear
Addiction was in home and it effected everyone
She longed for the day when she could turn 18 and leave the tense atmosphere of her house for good and leave all her problems behind her

Ruby had always been a good girl
At home and at school
She never rocked the boat
She was a people pleaser
Eager for people to like and accept her
She just wanted to be loved
But as she grew in to a teenager, she began to unravel
She was tired of being good
Of always doing the right thing
She wanted to break free and have some fun

Ruby made new friends in school
She changed her attitude in to 'I don't give a shit about anything'
But underneath she still just wanted to be accepted
She took up smoking and got drunk for the first time at age 14
She loved the fact that she could escape reality and chased that high again and again
Somehow she managed to make it through school
The last day of school she walked out the school gates anticipating a feeling of freedom but all she felt was lost

As all her friends went to college, Ruby took the first job that came her way
She became involved with a boy who had a bad reputation
Together they dragged each other down
At age 18 Ruby and her boyfriend became addicted to heroin
Her parents also separated around this time
It seemed that her whole world was crumbling but instead of trying to deal with it, she ran in the opposite direction

Heroin addiction brought Ruby to her knees
She was in way over her head
She didn't know it at the time but she was also developing an eating disorder
When she was using she used to stay at her boyfriends house
It was a doss house for junkies
Once a week Ruby would go home and recharge her batteries
Having not eaten for days, felt completely overwhelmed when she opened the door of the fridge and it was packed with food
She felt massively guilty because she knew that there was no food in her boyfriend's house
She also felt greedy for eating the food
To this day she still feels those feelings when eating

Ruby's weight plummeted but she thought she was skinny because of the drugs
She had no clue that she was in the grip of anorexia
Ruby's parents arranged for her to do a detox in a hospital in Dublin
She was 19
Noticing that she wasn't eating, one of the nurses sat her down one day and told her that she had anorexia but Ruby was in massive denial
She just couldn't get her head around it
It was too much to take in
Even though she was eating next to nothing
Even though she was hiding food
Even though she weighed the same as a child
She just couldn't accept it

For the next few years Ruby continued to use
Her life was a total mess physically and mentally
On the eve of her 23rd birthday she went in to drug treatment
Again the subject of anorexia came up
There was another girl there who had anorexia/bulimia and Ruby could relate to her so much
It came to a point where she could no longer deny the fact that she was ill
This girl helped her muster up the courage to be honest
Ruby spent 6 months in treatment and gradually gained weight until she was at a healthy weight
But all was not well
She had switched from anorexia to bulimia and no one knew
She left treatment with another set of problems

Now that Ruby had been given the diagnosis of anorexic, she felt that she had to live up to the title
Up until this point she didn't weigh herself
But the numbers on the scale seemed important to the doctors so they became important to her
She was in and out of hospital and treatment
She was put on meds
One of which was to help her gain weight
And gain weight she did
Over a few months she went from being severely underweight to almost over weight (debatable)
Everyone presumed that because she looked ok she must be ok
But nothing had changed, only her weight
She was still completely eating disordered
She was still purging
She was still anxious and depressed

It took one comment about her weight to send her spinning in to a relapse
She lost weight rapidly
She felt in control again
But along with the weight she felt like she was losing her mind
Her mental state was fragile
Her health was beginning to fail
She restricted so much that binging was inevitable
The binging and purging got worse and worse
On a bad day she was purging 10 - 12 times a day
She began to shoplift food
She felt no different than when she was addicted to drugs
Same shit different substance

This way of life was taking it's toll
 She bounced from extreme highs to extreme lows
She craved evenness and steadiness
Balance
She was so tired being this way
And her life was slipping through her fingers
She had to do something
So she rang the treatment centre and was given an appointment
She hopes to go in to treatment
She has to before it's too late

This story is ongoing so I don't know how it ends
Ideally I would go to treatment and come out brand spanking new
Fixed
Healthy
In a great frame of mind
With a body I loved and accepted
My relationships with my family would be saved
They would be so proud of me for turning my life around
I would come home and start again
I would go food shopping once a week
I wouldn't restrict and I'd eat 3 healthy meals a day without purging
I would pull my weight at home and manage my money properly
I would get back in contact with my friends and have an active social life
I would start attending meetings again and get a sponsor
I'd take care of myself and take pride in my appearance
I'd exercise but not to excess
I'd volunteer at the local animal shelter and maybe foster dogs
I'd go back to school to study something that I love
I'd help other addicts and eating disordered people
I'd be happy in my own skin
Happy with my life
Happy to be me

Of course in reality I know it won't quite be like that
Nothing ever runs as smoothly as that
I have to realistic
Slips and relapse are part and parcel of recovery
I accept that
I just have to be not so hard on myself if I don't do everything perfectly
Recovery isn't about being perfect
It's about doing your best to do the right thing
It's about standing up to your eating disorder and taking your life back
It's about trying
Recovery is not the destination
It's all about the journey

I know that this will the most difficult thing that I will ever do
There are so many things to deal with
Weight restoration
Body image
Rebuilding confidence and self esteem
Learning to accept a new body
Learning new coping skills
So many hurdles to overcome
But I am ready
I am so ready


I have to admit that I am kind of excited about starting a new life
About possibilities
About taking back my life
Being responsible
Anything could happen
Who knows what doors will open and what opportunities will come my way

So my story may not have a happily ever after that that's ok
I will settle for 'And then she lived the rest of her life as best she could'
That's my happily ever after

Do you believe in happily ever after?