It's ok not to be ok

Following my post titled Anybody out there? I received a few emails from bloggers who have stopped blogging or deleted their blogs
Many had stopped blogging because they felt blogging was helping them
They felt it kept them completely locked in to their eating disorder
Although I was sad to see them go, part of me was happy that they had identified that blogging was not a force for good in their lives and wanted to  move on
I can relate to feeling this way
I am blogging almost 2 years now
In the beginning it was a really positive thing in my life
I had isolated myself so much from the real world and I was incredibly lonely and sad
Blogging opened up a whole new world to me
One where I could talk to others in the same position as me
Back then there was a real buzz about blogger
There was a thriving community and it was really exciting to be a part of it
This changed over time though
So many people have come and gone
Often without a word of why they were stopping blogging

I've written about this before
How I'm not sure if blogging helps or hinders me
There is no question in my mind that there are positives to writing
But there are also many negatives
I spend so much time thinking, talking and writing about my ed
I know that I want to recover I have to replace my ed with something more constrctive
But the thing is that I don't know if I can recover
I don't know if I'm strong enough
I don't know how I'll cope
I don't know if I want it enough

Having an ed is like having a bully take up residence in your head
She constantly puts me down
She tells me I am weak
I am a failure
I am fat
I'm worthless
That I have nothing to offer
That my family would be better off without me
There is an endless negative commentary running in my head 24 hours a day
It's exhausting
It's draining
It's utterly soul destroying

I do believe that people can and do recover
But I'm starting to wonder if it will ever happen for me
I look in the mirror and I see an old woman's face
Tired
Grey
Withered
It's frightening

And it's not just me that this cruel illness effects
Like ripples in a pool, it effects everyone around me to varying degrees
My mother has started attending a support group to help her deal with it
I forget sometimes how hard it is for my family
I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be to witness someone you love slowly kill themselves
I know that I couldn't handle it

I feel quite beaten and broken at the moment
I just can't seem to get out of my own way
My hope is dwindling
My belief in myself is at an all time low
My faith is non existent
This may sound like I am giving up
And in a way I have
I'm just so tired of fighting this demon
Day in day out

Apologies such a depressing post but I have to be honest and tell it as it is

I thank God for my two wonderful dogs
They have saved my life over and over again

Obese: A year to save my life

Over the past couple of weeks I've been watching a documentary series called 'Obese: A year to save my life
Each episode follows a different super morbidly obese person as they try to lose weight and turn their lives around
I love to watch documentaries about eating disorders
But I also like to watch ones about people on the other end of the spectrum

In last nights episode we were introduced to Clare
She is 32 and from Liverpool
She is engaged to be married and has a 5 year old son called Nathan
Clare weighed in at 26 and a half stone
Standing at 5'7 that made her super morbidly obese

The show is presented by Jesse Pavelka
Jesse is a personal trainer who has a special interest to super obese people

Being so overweight was having a devastating effect on Clare's life
All the little things that we take for granted, she just couldn't do
She couldn't play with her young son
She struggled to be active
And every little thing, like taking a shower or tying her shoe laces was a huge effort
Clare was miserable
She couldn't stand to look at herself in the mirror and her weight was really getting her down
She confessed that on a bad day she could eat all day
Everything from a greasy fry in the morning
Endless take aways and chocolate bars
She just couldn't stop eating

Enter Jesse
He would be spending the next 10 months with Clare and gave her the goal of losing 10 stone in that time
He worked out a food plan for her
And suggested that she do 3-4 hours of exercise every day
All this on top of the hectic schedule she already had

Clare got off to a great start
And in the first 2 months she lost over 2 stone#
She had likened her love of food to that of an addict
She been sexually abused as a child and she explained that food became a great comfort to her
Jesse wanted her to find hew coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions

Clare worked so hard
She was fighting or her life
Although she did have a few setbacks, by month 10 she had met her target and managed to lose over 10 stone
She was like a different person
Inside and out
Her confidence and has soared
And all fat around her face had shrunk to reveal a very pretty girl
I hope she manages to keep up her good work

I'm interested in these types of shows as I feel like that could easily be me
I think that eating disorders and obesity are all on the same spectrum
When I am feeling down I can either go one of two ways
I can either turn to food or I can turn away from it
It scares me so much to think that that could be me one day
It terrifies me that I could lose control so much that pile on the pounds
I love my food
Yes, shock horror!
Girl with an eating disorder confesses to liking food
I love it so much that I can kind of understand how obese people find themsleves so out of control

A lot of my ED is about control
Although realistically I know that my ED is the one in control
If I am going through a bulimic phase I can eat a serious amount of food
O course it all ends up  in the toilet and I don't put on weight
But sometimes I wonder of I didn't purge would I pile on the piles too?
Probably
And that scares the be'Jesus out of  me!

I've always been an all or nothing type of person
There is no middle ground with me
I would love to be a bit more balanced
In all areas of my lie
But I find it very hard to find a happy medium

In my opinion you can become addicted to anything
Including food
Ok it may not have the threat of death or the chaos of alcoholism or drug addiction
But it is every bit as soul destroying
Every bit as damaging
Trust me, I know

Have you see this show?
What did you think?
Do you think that eating disorders and obesity are on the same spectrum?
I'd love to know...........

Blood is thicker than water?

As a rule I tend not to write about my family here on blogger
But after this week I feel I have to

As you know I live with my mother
It's just the two of us here
How ever during the week my mother works away
So she is gone from Monday/Tuesday until Thursday
A couple of years ago I was very ill so when my mother went away to work, my Dad came here to stay with me
My parents are separated so during the week they swap houses
It's sounds bizarre I know
So this week it was back to the usual routine and my Dad came down on Monday
Also my sister broke her leg the day I came home from hospital so we are all on call to help her

My Dad arrived down on Monday afternoon
When he came I was having tea with a couple of biscuits
When I was finished I went to the bathroom as we were heading out
I came out to the car and my Dad started having a go at me
'Why are you eating those biscuits when you are just going to purge them?'
He seemed incredibly angry
I immediately became defensive as I genuinely hadn't purged
We had a heated exchange in the garden
Then he grabbed my nose and twisted it so hard that I yelped
I was in shock
I felt like I had been hit
I just felt so hurt

The rest of the week was so hard
My Dad was constantly making smart and sarcastic comments about me and my illness
He kept saying that he was sick of looking at me and my sister
And putting me down all the time
He pretended that he was just joking
But really it was very hurtful
Everything I did was wrong
Everything I said he made fun of me
By the end of the week I was so drained and I couldn't wait for him to leave

My mother came home last night and I just broke down in tears
I had been holding it in all week
She was so upset
She made the point that this is my home and that kind of behaviour is totally unacceptable
My Dad obviously felt bad about his actions as he sent me a couple of texts saying he was sorry
He knows that he upset me
He just doesn't know how much

I get that he must be so frustrated with me
I get that he feels powerless and helpless
I get that I put them through the hassle of treatment yet again and nothing seems to have changed
But to lash out at me like that is just not ok
Grabbing my nose like that was completely out of order
My mother said that he has absolutely no right to lay a hand on me
And she is right

My Dad just seems so angry with me
I do understand that he has lived wit this for a long time and it must be so difficult to witness me slowly kill myself
But he needs to separate himself from the situation
He really has a lot of issues himself
Growing up he was an alcoholic but he would never admit to that
He stopped drinking a few years ago but his controlling behaviour hasn't changed at all
I just don't need this right now
I have enough on my plate just trying to get through the day without going insane
And treating me like this does not make me want to get well
It just sends me further in to my illness
It's pointless saying all this to him as he just doesn't listen
I'm thinking of asking Mary if I could have a session with my Dad
I hope it will help

Things are tough at the moment
I just don't know what to do with myself
I can't say that I am motivated to recover because that would be a lie
I am just trying to hold my ground and not get any worse
My weight is going down though
Along with my mood and my sanity
Sometimes I wish I was back in hospital
As hard as it was to be there, it was so lovely to be surrounded by people
I miss them

Overall my family is great
I have put them through hell over the last 10 years
I am blessed that they have stood my me all this time
But I think that I am in an unhealthy situation with my Dad
His life revolves around me and that's not good
I need space from him
I need him to step back and let me breathe
I love my family
I really do
But my Dad treating me like this is not helping at all
I need love and support and empathy
Not sarcasm and passive aggression and anger
There is enough hate in the world
My home is supposed to be a safe place
It's supposed to be the one place I can be me
I am starting to resent my father and I don't want to feel that way
I need his support
Not his judgement


What about you?
How are the people in your life about your eating disorder?
Are they understanding?
Are they angry?
Answers on a postcard please........

Anybody out there?

is it just me or is the blogosphere gone very quiet?
I know that I myself have been quiet and haven't been around much
But it just seems so very quiet
Having been away for almost 3 months I logged on this morning to read some of my favourite blogs and a lot have either been removed or have gone private
Then I scroll down my blogroll and see that a lot of bloggers haven't posted for some months now
Some even up to a year
Where has everyone gone?
Rayya?
The Lovely Bones?
And Thindarella who I had become very close to seemed to just drop off the face of the earth!

I wonder what has happened to these girls
Did they get well?
Did they finally tell their EDs to fuck right off and live happily ever after?
Did they become tired of reading about so many girls endless plight?
Did they find a life beyond their ED and just don't blog anymore?
Did they become very ill?
Are they in hospital?
Did they die?
I wish I knew

Maybe there are a whole a host of new blogs out there that I don't know about?
I don't know
Part of me hope there isn't
I don't want to find new blogs of girls just starting out on this heartbreaking journey
I don't want anyone else to have to go through this
This nightmare

As for me
Well, I'm ok
I'm hanging in there

I just want to know who is still out there?
Who still reads this blog?
Anybody out there?

Reality bites!!

It's been four days since I was discharged
Reality bites!
I'm finding it quite hard to settle in
I actually miss the hospital
I miss the girls
The support
The laughter
And the tears (there were plenty of those I can assure you!)

I am very much on my own here at home
In hospital I was surrounded by people all the time
I had always presumed that I was a bit of a hermit
That I was perfectly content with my own company
But being in treatment made me realise that I actually do like to be around people
I enjoyed the banter and the support everyone gave each other
I miss that
It's always the way that when I'm home I want to be in hospital
And when I'm in hospital, all I want is to go home
It's so nice to be around other people who get me
So refreshing not to have to put on a mask
Everyone was so honest and open and I loved that

I saw my doctor yesterday morning
He asked me how I had got on
I explained that I been discharged for failing to meet my weight targets
'What was the point of you being there then?' he asked
I tried to explain that I did try in treatment but struggled massively to allow myself to gain weight
I also told him how my doctor in hospital said that I am too reliant on my meds
And that is true
I depend on them so much to help me get through the day
He said we may look in to reducing the methadone at the end of the month
Let's hope he forgets about that one, wink wink!

I'm on quite a lot of meds now
The sick part of me is absolutely fine with this
But I know that I can't stay on them forever
My team in treatment were always telling that I don't need all these meds
That I can cope without them
They tell me that I need to have more faith in my abilities
It's true
I am afraid that without the meds and the ED I will just crumble
They used to say that I have come through heroin addiction
So I can come through this too

I had to think about how I stopped using
The simple answer is that I had just gotten to the point with drugs that I was either going to try recovery or disappear
So I made a deal with myself
I would give recovery a go for 6 months and if nothing changed then I would kill myself
It sounds a bit dramatic but it kept me going
Knowing I could always go back to the drug kept me going
And of course things did improve
I broke free from an opiate addiction and walked straight in to the arms of anorexia

For so long I have been depending on these behaviours
So now I know no other way
And the thought of losing this crutches is so scary

I have to be honest at this point
My heart is not in recovery at the moment
I can't pretend that I am in recovery because I am not
I'm struggling
I'm beaten and broken
I just can't seem to summon up the energy or the motivation to fight this thing
And I sure can't be going around telling everyone else what they should be doing when I can't even do it myself
For the first time in a long time I am quite worried about myself
I can feel the toll this thing is taking on my body and mind
And I have slipped back in to my behaviours so quickly
I have no fight left in me

So what now?
Now I try to maintain things so they don't spin out of control
I'm not weighing myself
I'm not getting sucked in to that cruel game
Not this time
I can't underestimate anorexia/bulimia
They would have you believe that you are doing well
Then like poisonous snake she winds her way around you
Tangling herself in your body and mind
She seeps poison in to your body until you are so weak you are her prisoner
She  takes no prisoners

Today I feel tired
Worn out
Indifferent
Numb
Drugged up
Weak
Lonely
Araid.........

15

I'm home
I was discharged yesterday after failing to meet my weight target for the umpteenth time
I knew it was going to happen so I wasn't surprised
I actually managed to lose weight while in treatment
My weight is now the lowest it's been for a couple of years
Who does that?
Who goes in to treatment and manages to lose weight?
Me apparently

I have mixed feelings about being home
It's lovely to see my family and dogs
And it's such a relief to have the pressure to weight targets removed
But I am also afraid
Afraid that I will slip back in to the dreaded binging and purging
I just can't handle that
My mind can't handle it
And my body sure can't handle it

They told me in treatment that psychologically I have it
That I have good insight and awareness
I can talk the talk but unfortunately that doesn't translate in to action
Being in treatment is a double edged sword
Yes you have the benefit of support from all the other girls
Yes we can be a good influence on each other
But we can also be a bad influence on each other
We picked up each others habits
Sometimes it felt like a competition to be the thinnest and the sickest
Meal time were particularly tense
We had one eye on our food and the other eye on what everyone else was eating
It was hard
As much as I loved the other girls, sometimes it was just too much

Including the 7 weeks before Christmas, I was in treatment for 3 months
I spent a lot this time on bedrest so cabin fever had begun to set in
It was such a relief to get off the ward

'So what now?'
I hear you cry
The honest answer is that I don't know
My BMI has dropped to 15
My motivation and will to live is just not there today
The really sick part of me wants to see if I can drop to a BMI of 14
Then I will allow myself to gain weight
What a load of horse shit!
I know that the second I reach that BMI, there will be a short lived feeling of satisfaction
But then it will on to the next target
Anorexia is never satisfied
We never win this sick game that we play with her
We always lose
Always

Please don't hang your happiness on a number on a scale
Not on your clothes being size zero
Not on  weighing the same as a child
Not on your bones protruding
Not on the attention you get for being so thin
There's more to life than just your ED
You are more than your ED

24 Days

Today is my 24th day in treatment
I've been meaning to post for ages but we are kept so busy here it's hard to find a quiet moment to write
At the time of writing my last post I was on threat of discharge for failing to meet my weight targets
The good news is that I did reach my target and even managed to get off bedrest
The bad news is that I did have some backlash from the weight gain
This past weekend was incredibly difficult and I purged quite a bit
This morning my weight was down 1kg
I was so disappointed because now I will probably be on bedrest again on Wednesday

I find motivation so hard to maintain
It comes and goes and waxes and wanes
Some days I wake up feeling so motivated and so hopeful
Like this morning
I had such a bad weekend and even felt like discharging myself
But today I feel more able to fight and want to get through that day without purging
Including the 7 weeks before Christmas, I have only had one purge free day
And I have yet to gain and maintain any significant amount of weight

I have to admit that I am quite stuck
I am on the fence
Even though my life was a complete mess before I came here, there is still a part of me that wants to hold on to the ED
My ED would have believe that I am not that bad
That my case is not that serious
But deep down I know that that is my ED trying to lure me back in
She tells me that I don't deserve my place here in treatment
That I can function and still hold on to her
She tells me that my weight is not that low
That  am not critical
She tells that I need to prove to others that I have an ED and can lose weight
That I need to live up to the title of 'anorectic'

I keep having to remind myself that I am 32
That I have been living this way for almost 14 years
That before I came in here I was purging 10 - 15 times  day
That weight is not always an indicator of how ill we are
That they wouldn't have given me a place in treatment if they didn't think that I needed it
I keep having to remind myself that I am ill
I am struggling
I do have an eating disorder
And it is serious
I am not an anorectic imposter
I am not a fraud
I deserve to be here

Today I am trying
I am fighting
I am doing the opposite of my what my ED wants
Even though I feel so uncomfortable that I could burst
Even though all I want to do is purge
Even though I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and telling everyone to fuck off
Even though I want to crawl in to my bed and stay there forever
I am still going to try

I am treating today as an experiment
I will eat my meals and not purge and see what happens
I won't know unless I try right?
I won't know that recovery is like until I try
My ED will always be there
I can always go back to it
Recovery might not always be there

As I said we are kept very busy here
Today we had goals group, recreation and then we usually have CBT in the afternoon
And of course food
For breakfast we are expected to have cereal and bread or a cooked breakfast and bread
I usually opt for toast and an egg
For lunch we have either a starter and main or main and dessert
And for tea we have whatever is on with bread
Sometimes I feel like all I do is eat
For everyone else meals times are a break but for us it is a huge challenge
After every meal we have post meal group
This is where we can talk about our meals and if we had any difficulties
It's great for me because I need the extra support when I feel like purging

We are not made do anything here
We are not made eat
We are encouraged to take responsibility for our own actions
And I think it works better that way as when we go home we will have to do it ourselves

A journalist from the Daily Telegraph contacted me last week
She wanted to know of she could interview me for an article she is doing for Eating Disorder Awareness Week
The article will be published at the end of next month but I will let you know in advance when exactly that is

I hope you are all doing ok
I miss reading your blogs

Take care,

Your friend,

Ruby x