Yesterday a neighbour called over to our house
He was carrying a little bottle
He explained that it was holy water that he and his wife had brought back from Lourdes
'It's for you' he said
I was a bit taken a back
Why would I need holy water?
I am not in the slightest bit religious
Then I remembered that this was the same man that sent me a mass card when I was in hospital and had the whole parish praying for me
Now it made sense
He is offering me holy water because I am 'sick'
I thanked him politely
'How are you?' he asked
This is the discreet way of asking me do I still starve myself
'I'm really well, thank you' I replied
'You know you really have improved a lot' he said
Translation: You have a bit of meat on your bones now
I smiled and pretended that I didn't want to strangle him
That's me being a smart arse
It was actually really thoughtful of him to drop the holy water off
Off he went and I went inside to douse myself in the stuff (Me being a smart arse again)
So I've been getting a lot of these sort of comments recently
'You look really well'
'You look so healthy'
'Have you been away? You have a great colour'
'You have a glow about you'
Your eyes look brighter'
'You look an awful lot better'
'You seem to be in such better form'
And so on and so on
Rewind 6 months and if someone had said anything like this to me I would have smiled on the outside
But really I wanted to land my fist in their forehead
Any comment about my appearance and I just couldn't handle it
Any positive comment about my improved appearance and I immediately thought that I had gained weight
I couldn't stand the comments
And I couldn't stand myself
I remember when I was in hospital last year
One of the nurses who had seen me a few years ago in a previous admission and an incredibly low weight, commented that I looked really well
I just wanted to sign myself out there and then
If I looked well I wasn't sick
If I wasn't sick why was I in hospital?
There must be nothing wrong with me
I am an anorectic imposter
That is the way my thinking went
But as I have been getting more and more of these comments
I realise that people genuinely want to give a compliment
They want to acknowledge that I am in a better place
I can see now that back then, even though my weight had improved, my thinking hadn't
I didn't look anorexic
But I felt it
And so all these people presuming that because I looked better, I must be better, drove me bananas
The difference this time is that something in my head has shifted
My thinking
My beliefs
My thoughts
My perception of myself
8 months ago the slightest little thing triggered me
I couldn't look at a skinny girl without vowing never to eat again
I could read someone's weight without immediately comparing it to my own
Thinking about recovery made me feel guilty
I felt like if I recovered then I was a failed anorectic
But something, and I'm not entirely sure what it is, has changed
I feel different and I can't quite put my finger on what it is
It has been a gradual process
And it's an ongoing process
I am right at the start of my recovery
My body is still in the process of recovery
It will probably take months or years to recover
It could take a life time for my mind to recover
If it recovers at all
I know a huge change has been my mood
Praise the Lord my mood has lifted
I was in such a dark dark place for the longest time
A place where death seems like a good option
Where sleep is the only escape
Where nothing matters
Where you can't find anything to give a fuck about
Where time stands still
Where you spend your days marching from the kitchen to the bathroom
Where life seems like a prison sentence
You know what I'm talking about
Soon after I started taking Prozac things began to change
It was like the fog in my mind cleared and I could see for the first time in a long time
The monkey on my back let go
But it wasn't just the Prozac
I started to see my friends again
I went to meetings
I started to write and write and write
I felt like I had woken up from a deep slumber
Like I was alive again
It's like now I am seeing life through a different lens
A more positive lens
Now I see the good before I see the bad
I see the light instead of the dark
And I can't begin to tell you what a relief that is
I really believed that I was a lost cause
That there was no hope for people like me
But I am here to tell you that there is
There is always hope
Always
My old sponsor used to say to me
'Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle'
I used to wonder what the heck she was talking about
Now I know
Now I understand
My miracle is happening
And just in the nick of time
