Sunday, 10 August 2014


Hi everyone
Gosh I see it's been a week since I last posted
It's so good to finally get to a computer and write
I've missed you all
But then I guess it's a good complaint to have as I have been busy
I came to London a week ago
And today I am just back from York which was amazing
I know some of you bloggers live in that area
So it was really great to see that part of the word

How have I been dealing with food I hear you ask
Well the first few days were good
I got 4 purge free days in a row
This was mainly because I didn't have a safe place to purge
There is only one bathroom in the house I am staying in
So I really don't want to purge there (Although I did today)
Things were going well food wise
I was eating regularly
Having meals with my family
Even having breakfast
Breakfast is a friggin' revelation to me
Usually my breakfast is a cup of tea and a cigarette
But here I have been having actual food
And then I don't crave sugar
I don't crave chocolate
I feel just full enough
Why has no one told me about breakfast before?
Is it a new phenomenon? (Joke!)
How have I missed it all these years?

But over the last couple of days slowly but surely
The purging has crept in
And has made many unwelcome appearances
I have found ways and means to do it
Even in the most difficult circumstances
Once an addict
Always an addict

My sister is at home minding the dogs
She texts me every day
I miss them so much
I very nearly didn't come on this holiday
But I'm glad that I did

My Auntie was talking to me the other day
She made the point that mother has had it very hard
What with me and my two sisters problems
She said that my Mum is so giving
And so caring
That she needs to be looked after sometimes
At first when she said this
I felt really upset
As I thought she was saying that I chose my problems
And chose to be difficult
Because I really didn't
I made this point to her
She said that she knew that
After we had that chat
Her words played on my mind
My Mum really does so so much for me
In a lot of ways she is like a carer to me
She supports me financially, emotionally, physically
And I am a grown woman
She shouldn't need to do that
I think my Auntie has a point
My Mum needs someone to look after her sometimes
To fuss over her
And pamper her
I guess my Mother slips in to the role of 'carer' so naturally
That I forget that she may be having a bad day
Or be dealing with something that I have no idea of
I need to be more mindful of that

Growing up I wasn't that close to my mother
Or any of my family really
It wasn't until I began having problems that we grew close
And now she is the closest person to me
But I am the youngest of four grown children
And my mother is not getting any younger
I have really noticed it on this holiday
How tired she gets
How she can't see
And needs to sit down sometimes
She is 64
It's time that someone looked after her for a change

I am glad that my Auntie brought this matter up
Now that I am trying to get well
I can be more aware of this
And I can do something about it
My mother has been through so much over the years
There are 6 in my family
And four of us are addicts
And have some sort of mental health issue
She has had to be so strong
So understanding
So forgiving
She has taken more shit than one person could ever deserve

Well this post has taken a different turn
I was going to tell you all about my holidays
But this has turned in to a post about my mother

In other news I have spent so much money here already
I seem to have a problem in that I can't hold on to money
The second I get it in to my hand
I am handing it over to a shop keeper
I have bought some clothes
Presents for my sister and my friend
Even collars for Honey and Lea
My name is Ruby and I have a shopping addiction
No really
I do

I won't get to catch up on your blogs yet
But normal service will resume when I get home on the 18th
I hope you all are doing ok
I've been thinking of you
I'll post again as soon as I can
Until then
Take care
And stay safe

At this point I would usually shoe you photos
How ever I won't get to do that today
So I'm afraid you will have to wait a little longer

All my love,

Ruby-Tuesday x

Monday, 4 August 2014


I'm heading to London in a few hours
I'm not bringing my laptop
But I will post when I can
My sister asked me last night if I am looking forward to going
I guess I am
How ever I am worried about my ED making unwelcome appearances
I have half a plan in place
I will be with my family
So regular meals will be eaten
I plan to eat then too
But just enough so I'm not hungry
And not too much that I feel like purging
That's about as much as I can manage

We are going to Yorkshire for a few days
So I am really looking forward to that
I refuse to let my ED ruin yet another holiday
I refuse to be held hostage by this cruel illness
I'm going to do my best to enjoy myself
To live the life I want
To not be a slave to anorexia's/bulimia's demands
Easier said than done

So I will be back soon
In the mean time
Take care of yourselves
Be kind to yourselves
Keep the faith
Keep believing and hoping

Much love,

Ruby x

Sunday, 3 August 2014

Is this recovery?

The lovely A left a very thought provoking comment on my last post
Here is part of it

Because lately you do write about recovery, but I still.... wonder.... cause you never eat a normal meal. What does recovery mean then? Just a little weight gain?
And, the other side is that your body really needed the weight, you could've died. But .... all of this sometimes seems to gloss over the other sticky parts... 
And the purging 's got to stop. For your beautiful new teeth, but far more for your health. You're still at risk, when purging so often. (and yes, I do have the experience to tell you this). And because you're so aware of your changing body, you should realise this... purging (and laxatives too) are the biggest causes for a body to not know where it's at...

A makes a very good point
I claim to be in recovery
But am I really?
I have admit
That A's comment is not the first time that I have been aware of this
I wonder if I am in recovery all the time
Or am I just fooling myself?
Do I claim to be in recovery just because I have gained weight?
Because the prospect of having an anorectic mind in a healthy body is too much to bear?
Am I still an active bulimic?

Because I do purge
Every day if I am honest
I don't eat regular meals
Yes, things have vastly improved in the last few months
I was literally binging and purging all day every day
My weight was pitiful
And I thought that was just the way things were
I had no hope
No faith
No belief that things could improve
But they have
And now I am the best I have been in years
But is it enough?
Can I have more?

I had this conversation with Mary recently
I told her that I thought that this was as good as it gets for me
She told me that I could have more
That my recovery could be more fulfilling
But the truth is that I don't think that I will ever fully recover
The best I can hope for is a pro-longed remission
I've always described recovery from an eating disorder like taming a wild animal
You can train it
And manage it
You can live a relatively safe life with it
But there is always the possibility that it will bite you

I know that I have a lot of work to do
And I do appreciate A being honest with me
True friends will always tell the truth
No matter how hard it is to hear
I have only just begun my road to recovery
I know that it won't be easy
I know that slips and relapses are part and parcel of it
I will continue to fight for the life I so desperately want
I will continue to fight against this cruel illness
I won't let it beat me
I won't let it take another year, month, day of my life
I want to live the best life that I can

I was wondering about you
What does recovery mean to you?
How do you know when you are in recovery?
I'd love to know

Weight Gain In Recovery

I've been doing some reading about weight gain in recovery
As I have been feeling quite uncomfortable in my own skin lately
It seems that it takes the weight gain a while to settle down
And distribute around the body
It can go to one place eg the stomach in my case, at first
Before it evens out around the body
It also seems that the body can over shoot it's set point at first
Meaning that I may gain more than I need to
But that will also settle down
And the body will find it's own set point naturally
This eases my mind some
I am quite self conscious at the moment
It's just so noticeable that I have gained weight
And it seems people like to comment on it

I was out in my local village with my sister yesterday
I ran in to a guy that I haven't seen in a few months
He told me that I looked great
And  that I had 'filled out'
I wanted to punch him in the face
But I resisted as I am not a violent person
When I got home the same guy texted me that I look 'fantastic'
God how I wish I could see what everyone else sees
In my eyes I look so out of proportion
So top heavy
Like a big square with little arms and legs sticking out
But I have faith that my body find it's natural weight
I really do

I spoke with my sister about the weight gain
She said that if I stopped eating crisps and chocolate
That I might stop gaining weight
This is true
I do substitute crisps and chocolate for food
I need to stop doing that
I need to eat normal food
And dinner
That's what normal people do right?

In other news
I am heading to London tomorrow for two weeks
So I may not get to blog as much
But I will keep you updated as much as I can
Part of me is looking forward to it
Part of me is dreading it
I thought about not going
But this is the only holiday I will get this year
So I will take it when I can

Packing has been a nightmare
I've had to resort to trying on all  my clothes to see what fits me
It just so disappointing when I try on the green jeans I bought just weeks ago
And now the zip won't do up
I didn't even get to wear them once

Oh and I got my teeth done again
I now have the ling term temporary crowns that will last about 10 months
I had another marathon session in the dentists
It really is torture
I hate it
But the final result was really worth it

Here they are in all their glory......

Saturday, 2 August 2014

Reading about recovery

Thank you all for your comments on my last post
You made a lot of good points
And made a lot of sense
My writing, my blog and my state of mind has changed a lot over the past few months
There has been so much change
And it's been tricky to adjust to that
So I'm sure some readers maybe didn't like the change
I was so entrenched in my eating disorder
It was all I wrote about
Day in
Day out
My life had shrunk to just me and my ED
It was all consuming

Now things are different here, over in eating disorder land
I have dipped my toe in to recovery
And have found that maybe, just maybe
There is a way out for me
At the moment I am writing a lot about the things I am doing now I am trying recover
Maybe some people don't want to read that
Maybe people liked reading about my struggles because it is more interesting that reading about recovery
Maybe readers who followed my blog from the start, can't relate to me anymore
Maybe it's upsetting for them to read about some one in recovery

It makes me sad to think that people would rather read about the negative
Rather than the positive
I realise that reading about the extreme highs and lows of life with an ED can make for more dramatic and interesting reading
Recovery can be boring
It can be monotonous
So I understand if that's why some people unfollowed me

But I have to write what is real to me
And at the moment my life revolves around trying to get well
I used to engage in behaviours and write about them
I guess it does make for juicy reading
But why do we want to read about the bad rather than the good?
I say we because I include myself in that too
I have been guilty of being a voyeur
Of watching someone's life implode
And feeling not so alone
And reassured that my life wasn't that bad
Now I tend to read more recovery based blogs
Because I can relate to them more
Reading about weight loss and dieting is just too triggering for me at the moment
There is so much negativity on the internet
It's so refreshing to read something positive

Maybe some people just can't relate to me any more
And that's why they have unfollowed me
I get that
Now that I am trying to recover
I have stopped reading blogs that I find triggering or upsetting
It was a hard thing to do
As I really cared for some of these people
But I have to do what is right for me and my recovery
They say you have to be a lit selfish in recovery
Maybe selfish is the wrong word
You have to look after yourself
And put your needs first
I find this incredibly hard to do
I am always thinking of others
And tend to put my own needs last
But again that is people pleasing
And that is absolutely exhausting
I have to do what is right for me
I have to make sure that I am ok

I guess my ego is a little bruised
I took the unfollows quite personally
I am very open on this blog
I really don't hide anything apart from my real name and my weight
Because I think it's nice to keep something for myself
But apart from that nothing is off limits
Maybe that is putting myself in a vulnerable position
But I know no other way
I need to be honest
And don't see the point is sugar coating things
Eating disorders are a life and death issue
It's that serious

I suppose I can get caught up in the stats of this blog
The amount of followers and hits I get
I think it's because I can get obsessive about numbers
I'm not so sure
At the end of the day
I am just glad to have people who read these words
And leave comments of hope and love

For those who have stuck by me through thick and thin (literally)
For those who leave comments and emails
For those who wish me well
And cheer me on as I try to recover
For those who are silent readers
And those who are genuinely happy for me
I thank you
And from the bottom of my heart
I won't name you all
You know who you are
It makes my heart swell to know that people are reading
And taking the time to leave some love
Your beautiful words give me faith in humanity
They truly make my day
So thank you to you
And you
And you
And you.........

I was wondering about you
Do you prefer to read about life with an eating disorder?
Or life recovering?
And why?

Friday, 1 August 2014


I've noticed that in the last couple of weeks
Some readers have unfollowed me
I am wondering why this is
Is because I am dipping my toe in to recovery?
Do some people not want to read about that?
Is it because I have offended or upset someone?
Is because you don't like me or my writing?

It's not the end of the world that I've been unfollowed
But I am curious as to the reasons why
I know I've unfollowed blogs in the past
Mostly because I had out grown them
Or they were very triggering
Or they had stopped posting
What ever the reason
A person has every right to unfollow if they so choose
But me being me
I am wondering if I have done something to make these people unfollow me

I was wondering about you
Why would you unfollow a blog?
Are you upset or curious if someone unfollows you?
Have you unfollowed this blog?
What were your reasons
I'd love to know 

Dublin, Part 2

Of course just because I was on holiday
It doesn't mean that my eating disorder was
I tried to leave her behind
But she stowed away in my luggage
And made many unwelcome appearances
The tricky thing about being away and having bulimia
Is that you inevitably end up having to purge in public bathrooms
Of restaurants etc
I had to purge in many over the two days I was away
Thankfully I am quick and quiet
But it's still not ideal having to do it

Yesterday we having dinner before we left
I had bangers and mash
And as I was still chewing the last mouthful
I was on my way to the bathroom
Telling everyone I was going for a smoke
When I got to the bathroom
There were two women in there
But I was so full
I felt like I was going to burst
So I went in to the cubicle
Locked the door
Rolled up my sleeves
Took off my jewellry
Tied back my hair
And purged
I didn't care that there were people just outside the door
I couldn't stand that full feeling a second longer
When I came out
One of the women kept glancing at me
Does she know what I just did?
If she does
I don't care
I'm  never going to see her again
What she thinks doesn't bother me

My Dad came with us on the trip
I hadn't seen him in a few weeks
When he saw me
He commented that I look very 'healthy'
He said it was great to see me looking so well
I was chatting with him later in the day
He told me that he used to dread coming to see me
As he never knew what state I would be in
I thought this was really sad
I forget that my ED effects a lot more people than me
Like ripples in a pond it touches everyone in my life
To a lesser or greater extent
I guess when I got sick
My whole family got sick too

My sister and I did some shopping in Dublin
My mother told me that she thinks I have a shopping addiction
She is not wrong
It's just another thing I use to escape reality
I can't help it
When I see an amazing pair of jeans
Or a lovely pair of boots
I think that my life would be complete if I had them
I would be happy if I had them
I would feel more confident if I had them
All my problems would be solved
If I just had those boots
But I bring them home
Wear them a few times
Get bored of them
And then spot something else new to buy
I love clothes
But it's an expensive habit
I always argue that I could be spending my money on worse things
But in reality I know I buy way too many clothes

I'm going to London for two weeks on Monday with my mother
I am slightly anxious about it
It's just really hard to have an ED in someone else's house
And there is only one bathroom in the house I'll be staying in
My plan is to eat small manageable portions
And try and avoid purging as much as possible

I'm a bit uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment
I have no idea what I weigh
But there is a lot of me right now
My boobs have grown considerably bigger
And I just don't know what to do with them
Do I strap them down?
Or buy a wonder-bra and put them on show
Also I have a lot of curves now
Sometimes I like them and I embrace them
But then I see a skinny girl
And suddenly pine for my 'skinny days'
Part of me thinks that if I lost just a few pounds
Then I would be happy
But I know that is dangerous territory
I know that is asking for trouble
So I will just ride it out
And hope that my weight settles down
I'm sure it will

Here are some more photos from Dublin...........

We all bought onsies

Natural History Museum