Thursday, 25 December 2014

Christmas Part 2

So  Christmas Day is almost over
We had a full house
I am kind of glad it's over
The day itself can be long and boring
Even though it's a day of peace and joy
I feel disconnected
On the outside of things
Maybe I am too sensitive
I had a really tough day yesterday
Everyone was getting in to the Christmas spirit
But yesterday my weight was up
And no matter how much of my meds I took
I couldn't switch off
So I ended up taking way too much
And nothing
Today my weight was down 1kg
It was the only thing that could lift my mood
Here are some photos from the day
Hope you enjoyed yours

No, I am not smoking
I am just holding my Dad's Cuban cigar

Christmas Part 1

Just a little post to wish you all a happy, peaceful and relaxing Christmas Day
I was the first up this morning
I put on my fleecy socks 
And pottered down to the kitchen
I let the dogs out
And made a cup of hot sweet tea
I cradled my cup as I sat by the window
And enjoyed a few quiet minutes before the madness began

After my cuppa
I went and woke my sister and mother
They got up and we all wished each other a happy Christmas
I gave mum her presents
Three books she wanted
And a set of Avoca soaps
Which smelled delicious

My dad then got up
And we brought the dogs for a walk
Down to the lake
And then over to the beach to watch the Christmas swim

Here are some photos
And part 2 I will post tomorrow
I hope you are enjoying your Christmas where ever you are
Whatever you are doing
I hope you are able to forget about your worries
Just for a few hours
God knows you deserve it
We deserve it
We have suffered for long enough
Happy Christmas
To you and yours

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Christmas Eve

So it's December 24th
And our house is a hive of activity
Food is being prepared
Beds are being made
Dogs are washed
Presents are wrapped
And the house is being cleaned
There will be 10 of us here tomorrow for Christmas dinner
The first time we have all been together in years
So it is a special one
Especially for my sister who is home for Christmas for the first time in a long time

As for myself
Well I have been feeling a lot better since my methadone was increased
Even though it was just 4mls
It really has made a difference
It's even been making feel nice and sleepy
Which is a bonus

When we went out for lunch on Monday
My other sister commented that I have lost weight
Especially in my face
It bothers me now that people are starting to notice
The last thing I want to do is worry people
And my Dad is coming down today
I am hoping that he doesn't notice
But who am I kidding?
He probably will

So my cravings seems to be under control for the moment
Food is still a battle ground
But I will try my best over Christmas
To keep it together
And try to behave like a normal human being
Easier said than done

So I guess I better get on with the preparations
I know a lot of you are celebrating today
So Happy Christmas to you
And to yours
I hope you have a peaceful and relaxing day
I am going to enjoy it as best I can
With the people I love around me
With Honey and Lea
My two faithful friends who are never far from my side
I am going to have my turkey and ham
And enjoy it
And not feel guilty for enjoying it
I am going to get dressed in my new clothes
Go and watch the Christmas swim at my local beach
I am going to exchange presents with my family
Have dinner with my loved ones
And be merry
Because it is a time to be with family and friends
And a time to celebrate

2015 is almost here
2014 has been a roller coaster to say the least
I started out the year in treatment
That didn't work
And I came home worse than ever
My outlook was bleak
I as losing hope and belief that I would ever get better
Even my dogs weren't  in great form
Lea's fur was falling out
And it was like she was in a depression
In April I 'half heartedly' overdosed
Thank God that Mary was there and stepped in
I spoke to my psychiatrist
And my meds were tweaked
I was started on Prozac

I knew that I had hit rock bottom
I couldn't go any lower
A few weeks later
And I began to notice that things were changing
My depression lifted
And my anxiety lessened
I began to feel normal again
It was such a relief
I started to gain weight
It all happened very quickly
And now I am at a healthy weight

My purging decreased a lot
And I felt brighter and more alive
For the first time in years I began to have hope
Hope that I would get better
That there was a life after ED and addiction

In the summer I went to the UK for 2 weeks
While there I gave up smoking
And am now 21 weeks cigarette free

But about a month ago
I started to lose weight again
I am doing my best not to let this become a full blown relapse
I don't want to start 2015 off on a bad note
It's a constant battle
A constant tug-of-war going on in my head
But I will keep fighting
It's not my style to give up

I guess this is recovery
This is life
It's rarely straight forward
It's not a clear stretch
There are ups and downs
Highs and lows
Good days and bad days
It's not black and white
Life is tough
It's messy
Anxiety provoking
Fear inducing
Stomach churning
Head wrecking
Vomit retching
Tear jerking
And so much more

Life is a crazy ride
And my life has been especially crazy
But it's my life
This is my little world
My little piece of the earth
And you know what?
I wouldn't have it any other way

Monday, 22 December 2014

Monday 22 December

I spent a lovely day yesterday with my family.
In the morning we walked Honey and Lea
And in the afternoon we went for a long and lazy lunch
A good time was had by all
Here are some photos.......


As you know
I asked my doctor to increase my methadone last Monday
Which he flatly refused to do
So the last week has been hard
I feel I have been 'white knuckling it'
Just on the verge of snapping
Yesterday was an especially tough day
I fought with my sister and my Mother about food
And it was just horrible
I had a complete meltdown
It seems the anger and frustration has been building in me for weeks
I've played the part of the good little recovering anorectic over the last month
And last night I just lost it

It started out innocently enough
It was Sunday evening
And I was talking about making some pasta
My Mother started joking saying that I need to remember to leave some food  for other people
And not to eat them out of house and home before Christmas
This sounds mean
But you have to understand this is my families sense of humour
Usually this wouldn''t bother me at all
But given that my bulimia has been rampant recently
I took it to heart

I went about my pasta making
While it was bubbling away
My sister marched in to the kitchen with an empty jar of salsa in her hand
'What's this?' she snapped
I looked  and said nothing
'Did you eat all the doritos and the salsa'
I had
But I told her I would replace it because I know my nephew likes them
She basically had a real go at me about it
It was then that I lost my shit completely
I'm a nice girl
But start having a go at me about my issues in a round about way
That's just not cool
I stomped in to the sitting room
My monologue went something like this

'I'm sorry that I am eating all the food
I'm sorry that I have an eating disorder
This is not fun for me either
Do you really think that this is fun for me?
It's not
It's really really not
You are having a laugh at my expense
And that is just not right or fair
Please take in to consideration that I am struggling
I am drowning
I am flailing
And I don't need you or anyone making fun of me
Do you understand?'

And with that I flung the door closed and went back in to the kitchen
My Mum came in after me
But I told her to leave me
I wanted to be alone
With my big bowl of pasta of course
I was raging though
I threw my pasta in to the bowl
And violently added the sauce
Spilling it everywhere
I settled down in front of the tv
And anger ate the whole thing
(Just made that up
It means eating in a vigorous and violent way)

My sister then came in to the kitchen
She apologized and went to hug me
I was still fuming and could not even look at her let alone talk to her
She left me
And I finished my pasta
After the relief of a trip to the bathroom
I had calmed down some
So I went in to the living room
And made up with them
I don't want to fight with them
I don't want this bitch of an illness to come between us anymore than it already has
I was honest with them
I told them I am struggling with food
But they already knew that
I also told them about the cravings I'm having
They were lovely to me
They always are

I went to bed early
I lay there planning what I was going to say to my doctor in the morning
I had to make him see that I needed some extra support at the moment
I had butterflies in my tummy thinking about it

This morning I woke up early
Or rather my anxiety woke me up early
I washed and dressed and braved the rainy morning
I arrived at the surgery and took my usual place in the waiting room
I saw my doctor go in to his room
Usually he has called me by now
I sat there nervously
And eventually I was called in
I sat down
And he was talking about patient records
I nodded and smiled
'How are you?' he asked
I took a deep breath
And launched in to my speech

'I'm not the best to be honest
I know you are reluctant to increase my methadone
But I ask you again if you would consider increasing it temporarily
I really feel on the edge
And am in real danger of using
I had a bit of a meltdown last night
And I told my Mother everything
She said you can ring her if you want
I just really really don't want to use
And I fear I might
An increase would just give me extra bit of support
What do you think?'

He sat back in his chair and looked at me
He said that would be going backwards
I said it wouldn't if it prevented me from relapsing
Relapsing would send me even further back
After thinking for a couple of minutes
He agreed to increase it
Just for Christmas
I agreed to that
He said he would increase by two mls
My heart sank
'There is little or no point increasing it by 2 mls' I protested
'I was thinking more like 10 mls'
'Absolutely not' he said
'Well then meet me half way' I suggested
'4' he compromised
I knew when I was beaten
'Fine' I said
At this point I felt the need to apologize
'I'm sorry' I said
'I really don't mean to be a pain on a Monday morning
I'm just worried about myself'
'It's ok' he said
'It's just that you should have been off this a long time ago' he went on
'You have been stable for years'
'I know' I replied
It's true
But I am just so dependent on it
He handed me my prescription and told me to try and have a Happy Christmas
I pulled a card from my jacket and handed it to him
'That's all I have this year I'm afraid' I said
He laughed
And I left

So it was a compromise
I guess I did well considering how reluctant he was to increase it in the first place
So I know have 28mls extra a week
Which gives me some breathing room
I am so relieved
That I won't have to worry about this over Christmas
Even just knowing that it has been increased has eased my mind
I do however feel a little bad for wrecking my doctors head this morning
But it's done now
I can get on with the holidays

Sunday, 21 December 2014

Not giving in

Thank you all for your kind words and comments on my last post
I don't need to tell you
It was a difficult post to write
I don't want to admit that I am struggling
I don't want to admit that my ED is becoming active again
I don't want to worry people
Or let people down
Especially my long suffering family
But there is something about this illness that takes such a grip on us
It gets in to our bones
In to our souls
With long icy fingers it wraps itself around our bodies and minds
Numbing us with its cold cold grasp
It's terrifying

My thinking has been really warped recently
Thinking a lot about drugs
Wanting to get out of my head
Just to feel nothing
Just to escape for a while
I listen to dance and rave music
My heart beats so fast
And I feel like I have taken something
The other day I thought to myself
'I think I will have a drink today'
And I was really going to
The only reason I didn't was that I forgot to buy it when I was out
I think about drugs a lot
And I feel like I am missing out
I feel like life is so boring and banal without mind altering substances
My sister tells me that this is my addiction talking
She is not wrong
My addiction whispers in my ear
Taunting me
Trying to lure me in
Somewhere inside me I know that it's all bullshit
But still
It makes a good argument
And I am so easily influenced

I think I have white knuckled it thus far
I have got through the last few months on the fumes of willpower
But I need something to sustain me
Something to keep my from using
I go around and around it in my head
And I always come back to meetings
Meetings work
I know they do
If I could just get my sorry ass there
I would love to go
But I can't say if I will or not
It's too scary at the moment
It's too much

So it seems that I am being attacked from all sides
Is it a case of, if my addiction doesn't get me my ED will?
It feels like that sometimes
This all sound s very defeatist
And it is
But despite all that is happening to me right now
I'm not giving up
Not giving in
My stubbornness and determination come in handy sometimes
It's funny the things that can get you through the day
My favourite song to listen to at the moment is Take me to church by Hozier
If you get a chance check out the video
It's truly amazing

I know that I need to put all this energy in to something useful and positive
If I could just channel in to something worthwhile
And still get that buzz if satisfaction
What ever that may be
Working with animals
Converting my big and unused shed in to something worth having
My mind likes to have a reward
Something to look forward to
Little treats to make life more bearable
It's just that my mind immediately turns to chemicals when I think of this
But yes
In the new year
I really need to find something to do
To work towards
It really is a muct

This post is just to let you know that I'm not holding up my white flag just yet
I am hanging in there
I am fighting this relapse
I refuse to go down this road again
My head just can't handle it
And I'm pretty sure my body can't either
I take comfort in the fact that I have a loving family
Actually if you would believe it
The other day I was cursing the fact that I have a virtuous doctor and caring family
I wished that my doctor was corrupt
And would give me any drugs I wanted
And I wished my sister would give me her prescription for sleeping pills
I was actually thinking in my head that
That is warped and messed up
But then again
That is me all over

I am beyond blessed to have the family I have
Deep down I know that
Lesser people would have given up on me long ago
I don't deserve them really
And I can never repay them for what they have done for me

Despite all that is whirling around in my mind
I'm not going to use
I know I'm not
I have to much to lose now
It's just not worth it

So this is me signing off for today's post
I feel a little bit more hopeful today
A little bit stronger and able to deal with life
I'm ok
I am ok




Saturday, 20 December 2014

Trigger Warning - Weight loss

I can't quite put my finger on when it happened
But I know it happened very suddenly
I didn't notice it at first
It was subtle
Hard to detect
I think it might have had something to do with the fact that I finally got sick of eating white chocolate
I was eating an awful lot of it
5 family size bars a day
It was my heroin for a time
So sweet and creamy
It took me away to another place
Just me
My cup of tea
And 8 squares of chocolate
I've always had a funny thing with numbers and food
For example if I was going to have a biscuit
I would pick a number in my head
It could be 2
Or three and a half
Or four and a quarter
Whatever number felt right
And no other number would do
It was the same with chocolate
It had to be a precise number
It just had to be
That was the rule
And we all know how an ED girl loves her rules

So yes
I had been eating a lot of chocolate
And then wondering why my weight was going up
Even my sister commented on my chocolate intake on a number of occasions
But I literally couldn't stop eating it
It was like a drug
But I guess I ate too much of it
Because all of a sudden I didn't crave it any more
Just like flicking a switch
My cravings went

Around this time I went to spend the weekend with my uncle
He had a weighing scales in his living room
One morning
While everyone else was in bed
I stepped on the scales
Just to torment myself
I saw a number that I have never seen before
In my mind I was over weight
The shock of this
Coupled with not eating chocolate
Resulted in my weight starting to head south
I began to weigh myself more regularly
I noticed little losses
Soon I was weighing myself every day
Waking up in the morning, I looked forward to weighing myself
It focused my mind
Gave me something to aim for
To work towards
I had a certain number in my head
That I want to get to
Then I will stop, I told myself
Then I will stop

It's now been about 4 weeks
And I've lost a stone
It's not terribly noticeable to be to be honest
But my Mum and sister have commented on it
My Mum saying that my face looks thinner
But I guess I can feel it in my clothes
They are looser
God forgive me for enjoying that

The thing I keep telling myself is
That I am still a healthy weight
Just about
So there is no danger
But I know this illness
I know when I get to my goal
The goal post shifts again
There is no end point with anorexia
It's never enough
Am I worried?
If I am honest
A little
I had been doing so well
Am I really going to throw that all away?
I don't know is the answer

Why is it so easy to point out what others should be doing?
But when it comes to ourselves we just can't seem to do it
If I was my friends or my sister
I would be pleading with them to stop
But I know it has to come from the person themselves
No one can do it for me

I'm losing a pound every 2 days
But I'm not just losing weight
I'm losing my mind
My recovery
My family
My self worth
Self esteem
My confidence
My hope and faith
My belief that I will be ok
My determination to get well
My drive to overcome this illness
And my will to live

I'm sorry
I know I had given so many of you hope that recovery was possible
I don't know what is happening to me
I'm sorry