This Girl

This girl is Ruby

This girl is 33

This girl lives with her mother and sister

This girl has two dogs

She is the youngest of four

This girl loves to write

To dance

And to swim

She loves her dogs and her family more than anything 

How ever

This girl is flawed

She has made a lot of mistakes

She has come through drug addiction

And anorexia/bulimia

She relapsed recently on drugs

She made many mistakes

Hurt everyone she holds dear to her

She is trying to make it right 

But saying sorry only goes so far

She needs to show people she wants to get back on track

This girl struggles every day 

To stay clean and sober

Not to binge and purge

She battles her demons constantly

Torn between what her addiction wants her to do

And what she wants to do

This girl has always been told that she has potential

But what does that mean?

That she could do something great

Possibly

Maybe 

This girls confidence is perpetually low

Her self esteem is non existent

She needs to be told by others that she is doing ok

Because telling herself isn't enough

This girl is battling self hatred

She never knew it was possible to hate herself so much

She thinks she is a bad person

She is convinced that she is nothing more than a manipulative devious addict

Recent events have proved this theory right

This girl hates her body too

She thinks she is over weight

Even though the scales tell her otherwise 

This girl is paralysed by fear

Crippled by anxiety

This girl is on many meds

Sometimes she feels they are the only things holding her together 

For a long time this girl wanted to disappear

She didn't care if she lived or died

But now this girl wants to live

She wants to survive

She wants to experience love and laughter and joy

She wants to move on with her life

She doesn't want to be reliant on drugs for the rest of her life

She wants to pursue her education

She wants to work

She wants to have a social life

Friends

A boyfriend

This girl wants to help others through her own experiences

She wants to use her past as a motivator to get well

This girl wants to be a good person 

She wants to be better in every area of her life

She is hopeful

She is positive

She is taking baby steps every day

This girl believes in a better life 

So much for a break.......

I know I said I was taking a break

Or a possible break

But then I realised that this is one of the only outlets I have to vent about this

I need to write about it

I need to make sense of it

As much as I can 

I think it's fair to say that the drugs are now out of my system

I feel like I am back to myself

And I don't look like death warmed up anymore

However 

I feel like I am on the verge of withdrawal 

I'm yawning constantly

My eyes are streaming 

And my nose is running

I hope it doesn't get any worse

As I really can't handle it at the moment

It's bad enough the mental torture I am going through

But to add physical symptoms to that isn't too much for one girl 

My family are on high alert

And the eye is on me

I think back to Saturday

And it's like a bad dream

My mother is the most gentlest kindest person you could meet

She rarely gets angry 

But man

She lost it with me at the weekend

I haven't seen her that upset since I was using years ago

And it was a shock to see it

It really hit home how serious this all is

I've always worried that I am a bad person

I really do t want to be a bad person

I want to be good and honest and decent

But the truth is

When I am using

I am a bad person 

When I am using 

The drug is the only thing that matters

When I am using

Any loyalty or love goes out the window

When I am using

I lie

I cheat

I steal

I manipulate

I become everything that I loathe

It's time to take a good hard look at myself

And decide what kind of person I want to be

This isn't my first rodeo

I know what I need to do

But knowing it and doing it

Are two completely different things 

I can talk the talk

But can I walk the walk?

As you know

For the longest time 

I didn't want to live

I was planning on disappearing

I wasn't actively seeking death

But I welcomed it

I had a passive death wish

I was more afraid of living than I was of dying

But in the last year

Things have changed for me

And for the better

I now can say that I want to live

I want to be alive

I want to love

And laugh and experience everything that life has to offer

To use

Is to choose to stay in deaths waiting room

It's the same with an eating disorder

It's a slow suicide

And I don't want that for me or my family anymore

I want to live

On Monday

My counsellor Breda told me to fake it til I make it

To good through the motions

Until it becomes real for me

Good advice I think

In other news 

I had reflexology done yesterday

It was amazing

So gentle and relaxing

And it was nice to do something good for myself

To help with my well being

Alternative therapy is part of my counselling

And it only costs me €5 per session

Usually it would cost €40

So that is great

Also today 

I am seven months smoke free

And it feels so good

So am trying

Trying to get back on track

To rebuild the trust with my family 

To get and stay clean

To go to meetings and take part

To be a better person

A better daughter

Sister 

Auntie

And friend

I know it will take time

And I need to be patient 

And do the next right thing

Thank you for your comments, emails and texts 

They mean more than you will ever know

Possible Break

I've been thinking

About this blog

And wondering whether or not is a help or a hindrance at the moment

Don't get me wrong

Most of the time my blog is a force for good

But at times like this 

When I am struggling and

And when things are not going well

I wonder if I shouldn't be focusing on my real life 

And mending relationships here 

I've managed to hurt a lot of people recently

People I care about

And have a lot of time for

I think I may even have lost a couple of people forever 

Which breaks my heart

Something which bothers me some

Is that my blog stats shoot up whenever something goes wrong in my life

And I write about it here 

I'm wondering why that is

And why misery is more popular that happiness

So I am thinking of taking a break from blogging

I'm not sure yet if I will

But I think it may be a good idea 

While I put things right in my life and relationships

And I have a lot of that to do

So if I am not around

That is why

In the mean time

Take care of yourselves

Stay safe 

Be kind to you 

All my love, 

Ruby x

Doctor and counsellor

Monday morning again

The weeks are just flying by

I wasn't looking forward to seeing my doctor and counsellor this morning

And having to let yet more people down

My doctor was some what surprised when I told him

He took the time to talk to and to listen to me

But it's not his speciality 

His area is the methadone

And he at least didn't drop it this week

He asked me to do a drug test

But I couldn't pee

So we had to cancel that

It would have been positive anyway

Buy I know

If I keep giving dirty urines

I will be taken off the methadone

I really don't want that to happen

I left my doctor

And collected my meds

Then headed back down to the surgery to my appointment

It was really helpful to talk to her

We talked about my past

And where I have come from

We talked about what to need to do to help myself 

Namely cutting all contact with The Boy

Getting to meetings 

Going back to see Mary

And above all else

Not using

That is the most important thing 

My counsellor rhinos called Breda

Likened this part of recovery to trying to keep water from getting through a dam

I need to put up barriers and resistance so as not to let the water through

That makes sense to me

I left the appointment clear in my head what I need to do

My mother has told me that if I use again

She will kick me out of the house

I have no doubt that she will do this

As she has done it before 

And it was a nightmare 

I really don't want to go back to the place

I keep having to remind myself that I am an addict

I can't use or drink recreationally 

There are no half measures with me

It is all or nothing 

I have used quite a bit in the last month

Not every day

But enough to hurt everyone around me and to leave a trail of destruction in my wake

When drugs come in to the picture

Everything else goes out the window

Recovery

Love

Trust

Honesty

I hate that I have negatively effected so many people

It kills me

But then this visceral I signed up for when I picked up that drug

When you choose the behaviour

You choose the consequences

To quote Dr. Phil

Coming undone

I was going to write a long and detailed post about how I met The Boy yesterday

How I spent four hours with him

And used

I was going to write about how he gave me some to take home

How I lied to my family about where I was going

How when I got home I smuggled the drugs in to my room

I was going to tell you about the fact that I couldn't keep my eyes open

And so my mother realised that I was using

There was no point in denying it

It was written all over my face

I was going to write about how we had a huge fight

How we all got really upset

How I could almost see my mothers heart breaking

How my mother and sister stood in my bedroom

And insisted that every trace of drug paraphernalia was removed

There was shouting

Anger

Many tears

It was awful

My mother made me swear on one of her books that I would never bring drugs in to this house again

My mother kept saying how disappointed she was

At one point I thought it was all a bad dream

And I would wake up soon and realise it was all just a nightmare

Unfortunately 

It really was happening

Now it's morning

And everyone is still reeling

And I am feeling unbelievably guilty

But this was bound to happen

I was asking for trouble seeing The Boy

And yet I continued to see him

Smart Ruby

Very smart 

I have to get my shit together 

If not for myself

For my family

This has gone too far now

People are getting hurt 

And I don't want this

My mother said that if I want to use

I can move in with The Boy

I don't want to do either

I need help though

I need to get through this

And stop

Before anymore damage is done 

I feel like I have let everyone down

Myself included

And the thing is

I walked in to this situation with my eyes open

I knew the ramifications 

But yet I plough on

Leaving a trail of destruction in my wake

I'm sorry 

I am truly sorry

But this stops now

It has to

It just has to

Recovery?

As you know 

For  the last 16 odd years

I've been bouncing between my addiction and my ED

When one was under control

The other spun way out of control

As my psychiatrist once said 

I have many 'chronic conditions'

Way to make me feel worse than I already did

So between the two issues

I have pretty much avoided reality for the past decade and a half

After some years with my ED in the driving seat

Things now seem to be changing

And my addiction seems to be in control

It feels closer

And more present than my ED

Don't get me wrong

My ED is still there

But it has vastly improved

My weight is stable

Or as stable as it can be

However the purging persists

I guess to most people purging 2-5 times a day is wildly out of control

But for me it's progress

So my ED seems to have taken a back seat

In a way it's a relief

But my lovely friend addiction has been waiting to take its place

There are many signs that my addiction has taken over

I'm misusing my meds

I've used quite a bit

Although not in the last two weeks

I'm lying to my family

I'm withdrawn

Disinterested

Irritable

Resentful

All those things that come part and package with addiction

I don't know which is worse

My ED or my addiction

Addiction is like a tornado

That suddenly bursts in to my life

And utter chaos ensues

It doesn't matter if I use once or one hundred times 

The level of upset and chaos is the same

I heard my mother say recently 

That if I went back taking drugs

It would kill her

I don't doubt her

It takes an extreme toll on families 

I think my family bore the brunt of my addiction

I was out of my head

But they lived through every second of it

Stone cold sober

But yes

Addiction rips the heart and soul out of families

We were lucky to make it out the other side

As for my ED

For me

It comes in two distinct parts

Anorexia

And bulimia

I suffer from both

Again switching from one to the other 

They are complete opposites

If anorexia is cold

And silent 

And aloof

Then her sister bulimia is loud

And brash

And in your face

Anorexia causes a silent devastation 

Like an invisible poison infecting the sufferer

And of course their family

The only evidence a bony body

And gaunt face 

Bulimia causes more of a racket

It's more obvious on some ways

Like the amount of food that goes missing 

And in other ways it's harder to see

As the sufferer often won't display external effects

And so no one would ever know

Unless you told them

And who wants to admit that they throw up every morsel of food

Not I

That's for sure

I know that a lot of people don't have time for addicts

And people often misunderstand EDs too

They think we are selfish and vain

And that our EDs are solely about food and weight

But it goes much much deeper than that

EDs are a reaction to life's hardships

A way of exerting control over the one thing we can

Food and weight

And weight becomes the focus 

But there are complex reasons as to why we do the things we do

I firmly believe that people are the way they are for a reason

I didn't just decide one day that I wanted to be eating disorderd

I didn't grow up thinking that I want to be anorexic

Developing my ED was a reaction to experiences that I had had through out my life

A coping mechanism

A way of dealing with feelings and emotions that I couldn't handle 

It's a lot more complex that just wanting to be thin

This post is a reaction to a comment I received on a post I did about the show Supersize versus Superskinny

It went something like this

' I watch this show for entertainment and to feel relief that I am not fat. I don't starve myself because of this show. Get a life'

This is exactly the ignorance I am taking about

This person obviously stumbled upon my blog

And probably only read one post

And judged me on that

Saying 'Get a life' to someone with an ED is like saying 'Pull yourself together' to someone with depression

Or 'Just get up and walk' to someone with two broken legs

It's not that simple

Or straight forward 

Eating something when you have anorexia is as scary as facing your worst fear

I know when I was in the height of my ED

I was so afraid that if I started eating

Then I wouldn't be able to stop

Spinning out of control was my worst fear

I remember when I was in drug treatment

I told one of the boys about my ED

He asked me if I did this to get attention

Again

Another ignorant reaction

This couldn't be further from the truth

The whole point of my ED was to try and disappear

Not gain more attention

I don't get annoyed any more at these reactions

I know it's because people aren't educated

But I think people shouldn't judge what they don't know

Don't make assumptions about me until you have walked a day in my vomit stained shoes

I think people are still afraid of mental illness

They're scared of what they don't understand 

I always like when people ask me questions about my ED or addiction

At least then I can set them straight

And tell them the reality of life for me

But I think a lot of the time

People are wary to broach the subject

And don't acknowledge it at all

But that's not healthy

If we want to tackle the massive problem of people suffering in silence and suicide

We need to let people know that it's ok to feel bad

And it's good to talk

It can save lives 

I am blessed to live in a family that talks very openly about our issues 

Most of a family of six

Four of us have addiction and mental health issues

So there's really no escaping it

Maybe some people would find it hard to understand

But I think it's really important to retain a sense of humour through all of this

My family have a dark sense of humour anyway

And we regularly laugh at ourselves and each other

Because these issues are so heavy

I think it's vital to be able to laugh at ourselves

My family often take the piss out of me with regard to food

They might say 'Who ate all the cake? Was it Ruby the raging bulimic?'

It takes the serious edge off a subject that can be so very dark and mysterious

Sometimes the only thing we can do is laugh

For me

My disorders have always been about getting out of my own head

Away from my own reality

My thoughts

My feelings

An escape

But the thing that I don't always understand is that my reality is not that bad

I have quite a nice life all things considered

I have a living family

I have my health

My animals

Friends 

I'm a fairly intelligent person

But yet

I crave oblivion

I crave checking out of life

And off the planet 

I used to not care whether I lived or died

I really wasn't bothered if I killed myself

But now

Now I want to live 

I've had a taste of what life could be like 

And that life is amazing

And wonderful

And beautiful

Yes it's scary

And confusing

But I would rather be here than not

And that my friends is a freakin' revelation

So if you are reading this today 

And you don't have an ED ot addiction

But you know someone who does

Don't judge

Don't condemn

Don't write them off as difficult 

Take a moment to empathise

Talk to them

Try to understand where they are coming from

Because they are the way they are for a reason

What a week......

Its been a tough week to say the least

I lost a friend 

And I'm still reeling

I'm not quite sure why it happened

But she chose to walk away 

And I guess that is her perogative

Still

It was quite the nasty break up

I think she said some things she didn't mean

I know I did

In the heat of the moment

We both came out bruised and battered

Nasty business

And I am left wondering if I am what this person said I am

A Fake

Uncaring

People pleaser

Then on Tuesday my neighbour died

I think I have mentioned my neighbours before
They are an elderly couple
She is a tough as old boots
Salt of the earth type
He was a proud Scot
Very shy
But with a heart of gold
Their story is heart breaking really
After his first wife died
The man remarried out neighbour
They met in AA
And both were recovering from their respective addictions

They married

And moved here some 20 years ago

They were always great neighbours

They would watch the house if we were away

Or mind my dogs from time to time

But more recently there has been some trouble in their house

They both began drinking again

And chaos ensued

Two years ago 

The wife became extremely unwell

And was hospitalised

We went to visit her

She didn't even know her own name

Let alone who we were

And that was caused by drink

We thought that she wouldn't pull through

Because she was so far gone

But she is a fighter

And she bounced back amazingly well 

I have no doubt that she was lucky to have survived

Then one morning

About six weeks ago

The wife asked me to pick up a prescription for her husband

And told me that he was ill

I did what she asked

And later on that day

We saw an ambulance leaving the house

We went over to see what had happened

And it turned out that the husband had had a stroke

He had in fact had the stroke three days prior

But his wife thought that he was drunk

And was slurring his words because he was drunk

So she didn't phone the doctor until a couple of days later

When the doctor arrived

He immediately called an ambulance

He was brought to the local hospital

Where he stayed for the next six weeks

The wife has no family around

And a lot of the mans family seemed to be estranged

So it was up to us 

Her family and friends

To support her

And help 

Jobs like getting her shopping

And bringing the dog for a walk

The husband left his wife with huge debts that he had acquired

Because he was drinking all his money

We got the news that he had died on Tursday night

We sat with his wife that night

And held her as she cried 

It was heart breaking

Even though he was an elderly man

It was still a shock

The removal was last night

And what an appropriate day

It was cold and dark

And we all huddled together trying to stay warm

And this morning was the funeral

A lovely simple service

They did him proud

This really hits home to me the destruction that addiction causes

It tips families apart

It breaks hearts

And causes no end of hurt and pain

If I needed a reminder not to go back down that road 

Then this is surely it

I'm finding that if I stay busy

It's easier not to think about using or The Boy

I need to put that relationship to rest

No good can come of it

There is someone out there for me

Who is good and kind

And most importantly who is stable

Anyway

A relationship is not my priority at the moment 

Getting well is

I know love will happen when I am ready

I know that I am not at the moment