Tuesday 24 March 2015

Day 2, again

I got to a lunch time meeting today
Technically I am on Day 4 of the 90 day challenge 
But today is only my second meeting
So I am counting it as Day 2
I wasn't particularly looking forward to the meeting
At one stage I wasn't going to go at all
And was going to stay at home and over use my meds
But 
I managed to get off my bony bum
And go to the meeting
There was about 12 there today
A good mixture of people
I still get quite nervous when it's my turn to speak
But today I managed to speak more than I usually would
My ex sponsor was at the meeting
I am thinking of asking her to be my sponsor again
As I definitely need one

I'm really feeling the benefits of going to meetings
It gives me a purpose each day
Something healthy to throw myself in to
My head feels a lot clearer
And the committee is a lot quieter
I feel stronger
More capable and able
More positive and hopeful
Socially it's great too
As I am meeting new people 
And talking to people
All in all
Going back to meetings was one of my better ideas 

So it's onwards and upwards from here
Plenty of meetings 
Seeing my friends
Getting out the front door
And living my life
I also had to do a lot of accepting
Accept that I can't use or drink
At all
Accept that I am an addict
That I have an addictive personality
I've had to accept that I need meetings
But that not every one at the meetings is well
I've had to filter out a lot of the shite that is talked at meetings 
And listen carefully to the people who are healthy and strong in their recovery 
Unfortunately they seem to be in the minority

Anyway
I will keep going
Keep fighting
For a better life
For a future
For peace of mind
And sanity
What is the alternative......?

Calling all readers!

This blog gets quite a lot of hits every day
Any where between 300 - 1000
I look at my statistics and see that people from the four corners of the earth read it
From the U.S. to Australia
From the UK to Singapore 
From Spain to Mexico
However 
I only really know a small percentage of you
And only a small percentage of that actually leave a comment
Of course I know some of you
The regulars you might call them
And I look forward to hearing from you each post
But today I want to reach out to those of you that don't comment
You silent readers
Or lurkers
Whether you read every day
Or drop by from time to time
Whether you have commented before 
Or never commented at all
If you have an eating disorder
Or some other mental illness
If like me you struggle with addiction
Or are trying to maintain your sobriety
If you comment anonymously 
Or use a fake name
If you are lonely
Afraid
If you feel like you are dying inside
Or maybe you are embracing recovery
If you read to relate
Or you read and count your lucky stars you're not like me
Maybe you don't like me
Maybe you are one of those anonymous commenters who gives me a hard time
Whoever you are
And where ever you are from
I Invite you today to come out of the shadows 
And let me know who you are
What your name is
Why you read 
Why you visit my blog
Why you agree or disagree with me
I invite you to introduce yourself
I'd love to meet you......

Monday 23 March 2015

Day 3

Just to give you an update on the 90 day challenge
It's turning out not to be as straight forward as I thought

Monday is doctor day as you know
I was up early 
And my mum the dogs and I headed in to the surgery
Mum took the dogs for a walk while I went to see my doctor
He asks how I am
I explain that I am doing better
And getting to more meetings
He asks me to do a drug test
Which is no problem as I know I haven't used 
The only reason it will be positive is if there are still reminints of the drug in my system
I retire to the rest room
And do the delicate balancing act of peeing in to a little cup
Thankfully I go with little effort
I clean up
And flush
And head back in to my doctor
He checks it after a minute
It's negative
That's good
That's progress I think
At least now I know I am drug free

The next topic he brings up is that of my methadone reduction
He reminds me we were going to drop it today
I ask if we can wait one more week
He agrees
I am relieved 

I go and collect my meds
And head down to the beach to meet my mum
I take my meds in the car
I am still on daily dispensing
My doctor told me he will change that next week
We head home
And I sleep for a few hours
Mum goes to work at about four 
She tells me I shouldn't go in to town tonight as the weather is due to be bad
I had planned to go to a meeting
And I really wanted to go 
Against my better judgement 
I set off for the meeting at eight
However about 10 minutes later I have to pull in
As it is beginning to sleet
I ring my dad to ask him if the weather was due to get worse
He said it was 
And suggested I turn back
I don't want to
But I know it would be foolish to continue on
So I swing my car around 
And head home

I feel mildly annoyed that I didn't get to my meeting
As I really wanted to do 90 in 90 days
But as my mum said
I did my best to get there
My intentions were good
And I can make up for it during the week

The next meeting is tomorrow lunch time
So I am looking forward to that
I know that sometimes the universe conspires 
And life doesn't turn out the way we want or expect
And that's ok
Shit happens
Tomorrow is a new day
And all I can do is my best 

Stereotype

I was reading an article in the Sunday Times magazine yesterday
It was an exert from a book called The time in between: A memoir of hunger and hope
Written by Nancy Tucker
Who developed anorexia when she was a teenager
The pieces started off with Nancy talking about her need or desire to be perfect
In school
Her work
Her appearance
Her body
I guess the stereotype for an anorectic is a middle class white girl
Privileged 
Prone to perfectionism
A good girl
Although that's not entirely true
The stereotype persists
Nancy developed anorexia at the tender age of twelve
And was locked in a battle of wills either parents for the next few years
She was hospitalised
Dropped out of school
Her whole world became about avoiding eating
She just wanted to be thin
But of course anorexia becomes something else entirely
A prison 
A locked box that is nigh impossible to break out of

When Nancy was 15
She stopped eating completely
A single morsel didn't pass her lips for 93 days
She came to the realisation that she was going to die if something didn't change
She wanted to recover like 'the homeless want three inches of snow'
But she she knew she needed to
If she wanted to live
Slowly Nancy began to recover
She regained weight
And got her life back
She describes recovery as 'an up and down, hop-skip-jump progression and once you reach the finish line the referee will inform you that in fact - surprise! There is no finish. There is only a bumbling, stumbling, getting back up and crumbling now. There is only today'.

This article was a fascinating read
I could identify with some parts
Some parts I couldn't 
I don't fit neatly in to the diagnosis of anorexia
I was never the 'good girl'
The high achiever
The perfectionist
I was always pushing the boundaries
Seeing how far I could go
I guess in the early years of my illness
I was strictly anorectic 
But even then it wasn't straight forward
I was addicted to drugs
And so wasn't aware of my ED for the first few years
And over time
I developed bulimia alongside it
Complicating things further

Bulimia is the antithesis of anorexia
As I always say
If anorexia is cold and silent and aloof
The bulimia is loud and brash and on your face
Anorexia is all about denial 
Restriction 
Punishment
Bulimia is all about indulging
Over indulging
Trying to flip that hole in the soul
Then purging the body of the excess
They are opposites
But on the same spectrum
Both serve the same purpose
To numb
To escape 
To hurt
And they do that job well

I guess I am a mixture of anorexia and bulimia
I swing between the two
And could display behaviours of either on a given day 
Take yesterday
I didn't eat anything for about 20 hours
But this morning
It's only 11am
And I've already eaten crisps and chocolate 
Like I say
It's one extreme or the other

Recovery is a tentative word at the moment
I'm as well as I can be
I haven't used in two weeks 
But my meds are still a bit all over the place
This week I am thinking of giving my meds to a family member to dole out to me every day
Just while I get back on track
As for my ED
As I said 
I think this is as good as it gets for me right now
My weight is stable
But the purging persists
Some days I might purge once
Some days it could be five times
But this is a vast improvement 
I think back to 18 months ago
I was out of control
Smoking 30 cigarettes a day
And spending €100 euro on them
That left me with about €90 for the week
And that went on binge food
This is also part of the reason I used to shoplift
Some thing I haven't done in a long time now thankfully
I spent my days binging and purging
I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
Endlessly marching the March of an active bulimic
Ovet working the toilet
To the point of breaking it on two occasions 
I was a mess

I am now just a year in to my recovery
My mood has improved dramatically
My anxiety is under control for the most part
My health is infinitely better
Both mentally and physically
My quality of life is so much better
And now my addiction recovery has started
It's sad that it took a relapse for me to finally see I needed help
But
It takes what it takes
Now I feel like I am on the right path
I feel motivated and positive and hopeful
I feel like I have a shot at having a good life
A sober life
Today is Day 3 of my challenge 
I'm hoping to get to a meeting tonight
And I'm feeling nervous already 
All I can go is my best 
That is enough

I say my doctor this morning
He drug tested me
And my urine is now negative for everything
That feels good 
Now I know the drugs have left my body
And I can concentrate on getting on with the rest of my life

I was wondering about you
Do you fit the stereotype for anorexia or bulimia?
What do you identify as ED wise?
Do you think the stereotype for anorexia is accurate?
I'd love to know what you think......

Sunday 22 March 2015

Day 2

So it's Day 2
And I still feel excited about the 90 day challenge 
I woke early
Determined again to stay busy again so the committee it my head wouldn't talk me out of going
Physically I'm not feeling great
As I have my period
I had to drag my weary body out of bed this morning
But I'm so glad I did

I had to leave my sister at the bus stop
As she is going away for a few days
Then walked Honey and Lea
Came home
Quick cuppa
Got changed
And set off to collect Marie
We arrived at the venue
I had butterflies in my tummy
I hadn't been to this meeting in years
And was nervous to say the least

We went in and took our seats
I watched the people coming in
Some I recognised 
Some I didn't 
I had already decided that I wasn't going to speak
I just didn't have the courage or confidence
For those of you that don't know
It goes like this
Someone opens the meeting
And reads the preamble 
And the steps
Then someone else does 'The top table'
Which means they share their story of addiction and recovery
It's always great to listen to these speakers
It was just what I needed to hear today

One by one
Everyone spoke
Until it was just me left 
I was so nervous
But somehow I got the words out

My name is Ruby 
And I'm an addict

I haven't said those words in such a long time
But they are so true
I am an addict
A recovering addict
I spoke briefly about how I had just returned to meetings after a relapse
And that I was very grateful to have made it back in to the rooms
Relatively unscathed
When I had finished speaking
The woman next to me 
Reached over and took my hand
I was really touched

All in all
The meeting lasted two hours
Which is unusually long
But it did the trick
As it always does
And reminded me why I need the rooms
And the people in them

Tomorrow will be my first evening meeting
Which will be harder to get to I think
As I will have all day to deal with my crazy head
And the argument back and forth of whether I should or shouldn't go
But
I'll deal with that tomorrow
For now
I'm going for another walk in the sunshine
And enjoy the rest of my day
Below is my calendar for keeping track of my days
A doggy one of course

2 down
88 to go




Anorexia picture

I was browsing the internet yesterday
Looking at this and that
There was a particular picture I wanted to find
It's a picture of a girl
With a skinny little body wrapped around her
I think it's a great image to describe what it is like to live with an eating disorder
It's almost like having another entity surround you
It takes you over
Like it's in control of you
In charge of your thoughts and actions
Anyway
I was looking for this picture
And I typed 'Anorexia photo' in to Google
I was scrolling down
Skimming the images
When towards the end of the page
I found myself looking at a familiar face
I know that person I thought
I recognised what they were wearing
The mirror the photo was taken facing
And the room
I looked closer
And suddenly realised that it was me!
I did a double take and checked again and again
But it was in fact me
A very recent photo of me in my new stripey dress

I know that I put images of myself and my blog
And I write every day
So my pictures and words fall in to the abyss that is the internet
And I guess when you do that
You give that information away
It's not your own anymore
However
It was still a shock to see it

Then this morning
I decided to check again
To see if I was imagining things yesterday
But the photo had vanished
In fact it seemed to be an entirely different set of images
So I am wondering if that photo of me was there because I used my own phone
And I look at my blog here every day
Or was it just a fluke?
It makes me realise that I need to be very careful what I post on the Internet
As once it's put out there
It's not your own anymore

So I'm wondering
Has this ever happened to you?
Have you ever come across a photo of yourself on the Internet in an unusual place?
Do you post photos of yourself on the Internet?
If not why not?
I'd love to know.......

Saturday 21 March 2015

Day 1

So today was my first meeting
Of the 90 in 90 days that I am doing
Well
Kind of
I woke early 
Collected my meds
Went for a walk with my Mum and dogs
Did the food shopping
And texted my friend Marie to see if she was still up for going to the meeting
She was
And I arranged to meet her at her house at 11 30am
I got home 
Had a quick cuppa 
And headed out
I deliberately kept busy in the morning
So I wouldn't have time to talk myself out of not going
I really wanted to go
And to say that is huge
That I actually want to go to a meeting 
For me
Not because I think it's what I should go
Not to appease my family
Not to meet other addicts
But for me
For my recovery
For my sanity
For my peace of mind
For my own crazy head

I arrived at Marie's on time
The meeting was about half an hour away
And we picked up another girl on the way
This was a bit of a big deal for me too
As meeting someone new is not something I do a lot of
But we had a great chat in the car on the way
And arrived just before 12 30pm
The time we thought the meetibg started
Just then we saw a member coming out of a shop
We rolled down the window and asked her what time the meeting was at
She said it was already over
That it had in fact started at 11am
This was pretty unusual
As meetings during the day usually start at 1pm
However it was over 
There was nothing we could do about it

We met up with another member
And decided to go for coffee
In the end
We had a lovely time 
Almost like our own little meeting
I wasn't going to count today as day 1
But my friends suggested that I do
As my intention was there
And we kind of did have a meeting
So I am going to count it
One down 
89 to go

There were times today 
When I felt really awkward
Like I had nothing worthwhile to say or contribute
Like I was a boring person with nothing interesting to say for myself 
Like I wasn't pretty enough
Thin enough
Good enough
I must make it clear that my friends didn't make me feel this way
Not at all
This all comes from my low self esteem
And non existent confidence 
But even though I had these feelings
I still did it
I left my house 
I tried to get to a meeting
I met new people
I tried my best to be myself
To get on with others
And you know what?
I really enjoyed it
I had a great time
I chatted
I listened 
I spoke a little bit
I was open
I laughed
It felt good to step outside my comfort zone
And do something new

I'm now back home
And I feel like I am on cloud nine
I feel positive
Hopeful
I feel pumped for these 90 days
I feel it's one of the best ideas I've had in a long time
I don't doubt that it will be hard 
But then nothing worth doing ever is
I owe it to myself and my family to give this a chance
I really feel like it is the right thing to do

I told Marie what I was planning on doing
She thought it was a great idea
And made the point that even if I don't  get to a meeting every single day
At least I will be on the right path
All it takes is everything I've got
I only have to change one thing
Everything

So tomorrow is Day 2
I am to go to a lunch time meeting locally
And am picking up Marie on the way
I've decided to use Em's suggestion
And mark off the days on a calendar
To keep track of my progress
I feel so excited to do this
So full of hope
I know it's the right thing to do
I can just feel it