Friday 8 May 2015

General Update

It's Friday 
And I am getting browner by the day
I just signed up to my second round of one hundred minutes on the sun shower
And even bought tan accelerator lotion 
Which cost €28 
And better be bloody worth it
During the summer
A tan is essential for me
It's the only way I can face wearing less clothes
I live in Ireland 
So I'm probably being presumptuous thinking that the weather will be good
But
I live in hope that the sun will shine
And I will have to peel the layers of clothes off me

I can compare tanning to an eating disorder
You know the way when you are in the grip of the illness?
And you are losing weight
I know I used to always tell myself 
Just ten more pounds
Just five more pounds
Just two more
Well it's similar with tanning
I think to myself
I just want to get a little bit browner
Just a teeny weeny little bit
The goal posts are always shifting
And you never get to a place where you are happy
You always want to push it that bit further

In other news
My weight seems to have stabilised 
At a BMI of 19-20
I can live with that
I can handle it
When I was a lot thinner
A BMI of 19 was the worst thing I could think of
And the funny thing is
That I now feel smaller than I did when I had a BMI of 13
Go figure

I am still reeling from the news of that guy  who died 
I was in touch with a school friend
Who told me that this guy was just out of rehab
And had relapsed days after leaving
That's the thing with relapsing
After being clean got done time
We become opiate naive
Which means that our tolerance is very low
And do the risk of overdosing massively increases
I know this guy has been struggling with addiction for a long time
And now drugs have claimed another young life
It's just not right 
He would have been around the same age as me
His younger sister was in my class in school
It's just so sad 
As I know his family fought endlessly to get him clean
But unfortunately 
Others can't get clean for us
They can't get us well
It has to come from the person
I know that if love and support could  have got me clean
I would have gotten well a long time ago

I'm still attending meetings
And have swapped numbers with some members 
The thing about meetings 
Is that they are open to anyone
Anyone who wants to get clean and sober
There can be a lot of sick people in those rooms
Heck even I'm sick
There are people  who have an agenda
Or who just want to hook up
They say that we should stick with the winners 
People who are doing well 
And who have good recovery behind them
So that's what I try to do
I think that you get back what you put out
Do if you are sending out vibes that you use
Then you will attract that kind of person
And if you project that you are clean and sober 
I think you attract that kind of person too

My anxiety seems to have lessened an awful lot
It really was taking over my life
And effecting everything I did
It's a horrible place to be in 
And fear and paranoia are best buds with anxiety 
I'm not sure why 
But in the last few days 
I feel more grounded
More steady
Stable
I feel a bit stronger in myself
More able to cope
The relief is massive 
The fact that I can talk to someone 
Or drive somewhere
Without the feeling that I am going to have a complete meltdown 
Is a freakin' miracle people!
I tell ya 
It has transformed my whole life
And it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders 
Like I can breathe again
And that in turn has hugely helped my confidence
The fact that I can get on with my day and not feel like I want to curl up in a ball in the corner of the room and cry like a hungry baby
It's progress
I'm moving in the right direction 
At least I think I am

Tonight 
As in tomorrow morning 
At 4 15am
The annual Pieta House 5km darkness to light walk is on
You might remember that I did this walk with my mum last year
Pieta House deals with people who are suicidal or self harming 
They provide their services got free and they are based all over the world
And the walk takes place every year

The walk starts at 4 15am
In the pitch dark 
And as we walk the light seeps in
The birds begin to sing
And it's very poignant
And very moving
I love to do this walk 
As Pieta House provide such a great service
And suicide is a huge problem in this country
Especially with young men
I think most of us have been affected by suicide 
Whether we know someone who has attempted to end their life
Or maybe we ourselves have attempted
So I think it's a really worthwhile cause to support
Even though we will have to get up at 3am
I still don't mind
If it helps some one 
Then it is more than worth it
And yes
I will post photos of said walk tomorrow

That's all from me today   
Enjoy your Friday x

Wednesday 6 May 2015

Clothes Post #19

I picked up some clothes this week
As I needed an outfit for a birthday I'm attending next month 
The skirt below is Brakeburn
And the top is Protest
The hoody is Superdry
And the shoes are also Brakeburn
I am thinking of wearing the blue skirt and top to the party
The party has a hat theme
So I will have to get one at some point
I will definitely need help with that one
As I know precious little about hats

So if you have any ideas
About what kind of hat would suit me
I'd love to hear your suggestions....








Tuesday 5 May 2015

HP

It's Tuesday
Yesterday was a bank holiday
So as I write this 
I am sitting in the waiting room of the doctors
I don't particularly like bank holidays 
There's something kind of lonely about them 
And spent much of yesterday comatose on the couch
Asleep at least 

I really wanted to get to a meeting last night
I hadn't been to one since last Wednesday
And really needed to get back on the horse
I was planning on going to an NA
But was having a lot of trouble trying to peel myself off said couch
Everyone keeps telling that I should ask for help
From God
From my Higher Power
From whoever it is that watches over me
So I decided to give it a go
It went something like this 

Hello?
Em hi it's Ruby here
But you already know that
I know I don't talk to you as much as I should 
And I only do when I need something
But I really need your help right now
Please help me find the strength to go back to meetings
Please help me put last Wednesday behind me
I really need these meetings 
So it would be great if you could sort that out
Lots of love, Ruby 

I wasn't expecting anything to happen
But not five minutes later 
Marie texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a meeting
Mmm truth is stranger than fiction
She never texts on a Monday 
As she has college
But because of the bank holiday
She was off
texted her back that I would love to go
And we arranged to meet
Was that my higher power at work?
You tell me......

I called in to Marie for 8pm
We picked up another girl
And set off for the meeting
Which was about half an hour away
I was not looking forward to the drive
As my paranoid head had me convinced that the girl we picked up doesn't like me
But what's new?
I never believe that anyone likes me
Maybe because I don't like myself

We arrived at the meeting a little late
We slipped in the door 
And took the nearest seats
It was a women only meeting
And I was glad 
It was actually my first one 
Despite my anxiety
There was a lovely atmosphere in the room
And I felt instantly relaxed
One by one 
The speakers went around the room
It was coming up on my turn
And since my last little prayer went so well I decided to say another one
To ask my HP to help me to speak honestly and openly
And to not feel afraid or anxious
I spoke
As honestly as I could 
I felt only a little anxiety
And it felt amazing to talk so freely
It really was a lovely meeting
With some amazing ladies
I was so glad I went
And so grateful to my friends for their support

In my car on the way home
I turned down my radio
And spoke out loud on my own in the car
Thanking my HP for pulling me through 
For helping me get to a meeting
For bringing such wonderful people in to my life
And for helping me believe in myself again
People
I am a believer
Maybe there is more to this Higher Power than I first thought

I've often heard people at meetings talk about God as they understand him
And there's a lot of talk about God doing for us what we can't do for ourselves
It never really meant that much to me
But I am beginning to see how it can help
And it is a comforting thought to think that there is something 
Something bigger than me
Than all of us
That is watching over
And looking after me
I don't know if I believe in God in the traditional sense
But my mum always tells me to pray to my grandmother who died a couple of months after I was born
That makes more sense to me than an all powerful God

We keep a note pad on the counter in our kitchen
To write down shopping lists and such
Yesterday I noticed that my sister had left me a little note that said

Go to a meeting!!
God could and would if he were sought!

It was lovely to see it
And it really spurred me on to go to a meeting 
And I'm so glad that I went last night
It did me the world of good
I feel like I'm back on track now
Back on the horse

My dad is down for a few days
And we were chatting this morning
I was telling him what happened at the meeting last week
He asked me if I am a people pleaser
I asked him if he thought I was 
He said he did
My father is the type of person who says what he thinks
And doesn't worry about trying to please all of the people all of the time
He said that must be exhausting 
And it is absolutely 
I admit it
I really worry what others think of me
And do my best to get people to like me
My dad said that people pleasing backfires 
That people would in fact have more respect for me if I spoke my mind 
And said what was true for me
I'm thinking he is right
And it's something that I really want to work on
The fact is
That my confidence
And self esteem is on the floor
I need to build myself up
To be more sure of myself
To be able to speak my mind
And not be such a timid little mouse all the time 
I'm a prime target for bullies and the like
And I don't want to be

I guess this is all stuff that I can work on
And I know of I keep doing what I'm doing
My confidence and self esteem will grow and grow
I just need to keep plugging away at recovery
So that's what I will do

I was wondering about you
Do you believe in God or a higher power?
How does your faith help you?
Do you think it's important to have faith in recover?
And also
Are you a people pleaser?
Or if you used to be
How did you break the cycle of it?
I would love to know.....

Monday 4 May 2015

Come together

As you may know 
My parents are separated 
Almost 15 years now
I had just turned 19
And was in the throes of heroin addiction
It was a truly awful time in my life
My dad was drinking
And was off his head completely 
My sister just had a baby 
And was also drinking to excess
It was chaos
Looking back
I don't quite know how we all got through it

The day my parents broke up was horrible
It had been coming for a long time
But in the end 
It happened very suddenly
I remember we were at home
My mum my dad and my boyfriend
A huge row broke out
I can't remember why 
But my mum and I ended up leaving 
We had no where to go
So we checked in to a hotel
I remember I was starting a new job
In a bank in Dublin
I had to get up to catch the 6 10am train every morning
It was like a nightmare

The next few years were tough
My mum and I rented a house in a not very nice area
Then it all came out about my drug use
And the shit really hit the fan
My family really had it hard back then
Addiction damn near ripped us apart

Then in 2004
I went in to treatment for the first time
And that Christmas 
My mum moved here 
It was a chance for a fresh start 
A clean slate 
Although the next few years were also tough
What with my ED
We somehow got through it
My dad got sober
My sister got sober
And things began to look up

Fast forward to this past couple of years
And things have really improved
In every way
My family is stable
We are all on top of our various addictions and mental health issues
Most of the time
My parents can now spend time together without tearing each other's hair out
Like yesterday
My dad came down for dinner
And is staying for a couple of nights 
It's amazing that we can do that now
Be mature adults
And just get on for everyone's sake

I see my dad every few weeks
So he gets to see how I am doing
He always asks how my mood is
And how my eating is
He doesn't know about my recent relapse
As I fear  it might tip him over the edge
But we talk very openly about things mostly
Yesterday we were out in the car
And he asked me about purging
And if I am still doing that
I can't lie
I am 
It's still a problem
And even though it's a lot better than it was
There is still work to do

I guess I fall in to the trap of thinking I am doing ok
Because things have improved a lot
I forget that by any normal standards
I am still eating disordered
And purging more than once or twice a day
No matter what I tell myself
Purging is not normal 
And it's detrimental to my health

I'm doing the best I can for now
And I'll try and tackle things bit by bit
But at the moment. I am just grateful that my family is in a good place
As my mother often says 
Considering what we have been through
We are not doing to badly
Not too bad at all 

Sunday 3 May 2015

Recipe #1 Chicken Casserole

I've never done a recipe post before
But I know some of you do regularly
So I thought I would post one today
As I am making dinner for my family
All my recipes have come from my sister
She is an amazing cook
She has a real natural flair for it
So I have picked up some tips from her since she's been home

So today's recipe is my take on chicken casserole
Or some of you may know it as chicken chasseur 
It's a love healthy, tasty one pot wonder
Easy to make
And especially welcome on a cold windy day
All the while in the beautiful apron that Bella sent me
Any excuse to wear it
Hope you enjoy......

What you need

Olive oil
Salt and pepper
Chicken breasts (I used four for five people)
2 onions
Garlic
Celery
Carrot 
Mushrooms
Tomato purée
Two tins of tomatoes
Two pints of beef stock
Worcester sauce
Potatoes to serve with

Method

Fry off the chopped chicken in the oil
Cook until just done
Remove chicken to a clean plate

Dice onion, garlic and celery
Add to the pot
Chop carrots and mushrooms
Add those too

Let the veg sauté until soft
Then add the chicken back in
Season generously

Next add a few dollops of tomato purĂ©e 
Let that cook for a couple of minutes

Then add the tins of tomatoes
And beef stock
Also a few drops of Worcester sauce

Leave to bubble as long as you can













My casserole is now happily cooking
I will post an update later on when it's done

Saturday 2 May 2015

Torn

I still haven't gone to a meeting since Wednesday 
Although my head has settled down some
I still feel a bit all over the place
I've talked it over with many people 
One of them being my sister who is also in recovery
It was great to talk to her
As she has a touch of paranoia too
She advised me to keep going to meetings
And I will
I just need a break for a couple of days

I'm not naive 
I know the world
And meetings don't revolve around me
I know that most people are busy thinking about themselves
And aren't plotting against me 
But I still can't shake these feelings I get
Maybe I am hyper sensitive
I don't know 
All I know is that I can't live like this
I don't want to live like this

After almost 15 years of addiction and disordered eating
My confidence has been knocked out of me
And my self esteem is non existent
I am struggling to find them again
To find myself
My self hatred is having a party right now
And all the usual suspects are invited
Depression
Anxiety who is the life and soul of my self hatred party
Self loathing
Fear
Oh yes
They are partying hard

I guess I've always felt like I don't quite fit in
That I am different to others
Unlikeable
Unlovable
Awkward 
Anti social
It's a horrible feeling
And my thoughts always go straight to ending it all
feel like I am a bad person
That everything I touch turns to shit
That I hurt people 
Even though I don't mean
It still happens

I need to sort my head out 
Pronto
I need to get back on track
And go to my meetings 
Despite who does or doesn't like me
This is my recovery
I need to be well for me and my family
I have my friends
I don't need to please everyone
Or kill myself trying to do so
I need to do what is right for me

I try to be a good person
I really do
But lately I can't seem to do anything right
I wish I could just switch off for a couple of day
My head really can't handle this

Friday 1 May 2015

The wreckage

My head has been well and truly wrecked for the last two days
Ever since that meeting on Wednesday
I still don't know if I am being paranoid
If I am imagining things
Or if what I think happened really happened
Either way is not a good result
Either I am inventing false scenarios in my head
Or I am too sensitive
Or meetings really are a hostile place
Neither outcome is a good one

I've talked it over with a few people
My sister suggested that I don't put pressure on myself
And maybe take a break from meetings for a few days
I was supposed to go to a couple yesterday
But backed out
Just couldn't face it
I guess I could go and not speak
Which is probably what I will do 
When I go back
I just don't know when that will be
I won't stay away too long
Just long enough to get my head together 

I was thinking as I was walking my dogs this morning
About how much weight I put in what others think of me
And I hate that
I would love to be more like my sister
And not give a flying fuck what people think about me
I would love to go through life saying exactly what I want to say
Doing what I want to do
And caring in the slightest what anyone thought
How freeing that would be
And also anxiety
Anxiety is killing me at the moment
There are certain safe things I do everyday
But outside of that
I am a ball of nerves 
And I can't handle it
I just can't handle it!

I was so tempted to text The Boy yesterday
I just wanted to call out to him
Drink poppy tea to my hearts content
And talk shite for a few hours
I came close 
But I didn't 
The consequences are too severe

But I have to admit 
I did overuse my meds today
Is that the same thing?
I'm not quite sure
All I know 
Is that I need a break
My head needs a break
I need to check off the planet for a while
Have a day off of life
I want to sleep 
Sleep until it all doesn't matter anymore

The thing is though
We only have one life
One chance at this thing we call living
What is the point in tip-toeing through it
Afraid
Shy 
Timid
Fearful
Walking on eggshells for fear of rocking the boat
Who cares if we rock the boat?
Rocking the boat is fun!
Rock on I say!
But If only I could just do it
Instead of talking about it

In my family
I am very gregarious and outspoken
But in real life I am a timid little mouse
And I don't want to be a mouse
I just want all this fear and anxiety inside me to turn in to courage and strength and confidence

Confidence
That's another thing that alludes me
I literally have none
Not a jot
Not an iota
Not even a little bit
That sucks major balls!
That's why I love writing 
And hate speaking
With writing
I can get the words out at my own pace
In my own speed and time
With speaking I just get too nervous to say what I want to say
And it inevitably comes out arse ways

So what's a nervous anxious girl to do?
How do you build strength and confidence?
I guess by living life
Experiencing different things 
Education
Hobbies
Work
Friends
Doing new things
Taking risks 
Living a full and varied life
No one said living would be easy

I was wondering about you
How do you think you conquer anxiety and a lack of confidence?
Have you any exercises or tips?
How do you deal with these things?
I would love to know....