Today

Wearing: Blue jeans, blue and white hoody, Roxy high tops

Weighing: not weighing any more

Drinking: Hot sweet tea

Eating: Hunky Dory salt and vinegar crisps

Listening to: Aluna George

Going to: See my doctor

Watching: Undercover Boss

Talking about: Recovery and what else I can do to help myself get better

Feeling: Hopeful, optimistic

Taking: Methadone, Prozac, Olanzapibe, Mirtazapine

Wearing: New glasses

Thinking about: A certain boy (Not The Boy)

Going to: Walk my dogs 

Hoping: To get to a meeting later

Loving: Feeling free from the compulsion to use

Worrying about: What my weight is

Letting go of: Anxiety by telling myself that everything is exactly as it should be

Realising that: I am a good person

Afraid that: My life will never amount to anything

Reading: shopaholic to the stars by Sophie Kinsella

Wearing my hair: In a top knot 

Wondering: If I will ever meet someone 

What are you up to today?

It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you

Over the last couple of months

My world has got a lot bigger and broader 

Rewind 18 months and I am just out of treatment

Feeling afraid

Hopeless

And utterly distraught

Not knowing where to turn

So I chose the only option I had left 

Death

And tried to overdose on my meds

Thankfully I didn't die

Although at the time I was so angry to wake up

Mary intervened when I told her the following week

She really jumped in to action

I saw my doctor and my psychiatrists 

My meds were changed

Olanzapine (anti anxiety) was increased

And another anti depressant was introduced (Prozac)

Then it was a waiting game

To see if the change in meds would work

To see how long I could hold on before losing my shit and my mind again

I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened 

I know it was around April last year 

My mood began to lift

In a really noticeable way

My anxiety lessened

And when I woke up in the morning

I wasn't dreading the day ahead

I can remember standing in the shower on day

And feeling bigger

I stood on the scales

And I had begun to gain weight

At first it was soul destroying 

I couldn't stand myself

But then I began to see the benefits of weight gain

Feeling better

More clear minded

Happier

More energetic

Granted 

My weight increased to a point where I was comfortable 

To about 138 pounds 

It didn't suit me

And I continued to gain weight after I gave up smoking

And then

Suddenly 

Just as quickly as I gained the weight 

I began to lose it again

And my weight is now stable at 117-120 pounds

I can just about live with that

So much has happened in the last year

I got my teeth done

I gave  up smoking 

I had my toes done

I got glasses

But I still felt like something was missing

I wasn't feeling great around Christmas time

And soon after

I relapsed on drugs

That lasted about five weeks

I hurt many people

Including myself

Lost some people for good 

Almost lost my family

It was an horrific time

There was such a horrible atmosphere at home

I had to do something to get back on track

So I went back to meetings

And began seeing an addiction counsellor

And so my cocooned little world began to expand

I had a lot of help

My long suffering family

My best friend Marie

And all the professionals that I see

It is a joint effort

And everyone plays a crucial part

I am now meeting and seeing a lot of people

And this causes me massive anxiety

My confidence has taken such a battering recently 

And my self esteem is on the floor 

I am still trying to like myself

Never mind love myself

And I always presume that people don't like me

My mother and sister tell me that I am paranoid

But I'm not convinced 

I get a notion in my head

That someone doesn't like me

And then I look for evidence to support this

And disregard any evidence that they do like me

I've been seeing this girl around

She is a friend of Marie's

I was convinced that this girl didn't like me

And seeing her was becoming an ordeal

Then one day Marie told me that this girl was asking after me

I was really surprised

And then she sent me a friend request on Facebook

I was even more surprised

It really meant a lot 

Like she was asking me to be her friend

And letting me know that she likes me

It's the little things people

I guess it's because I don't like myself very much

That I can't understand why anyone else would like

I really feel that bad about myself

Yesterday I got a text from another girl 

Inviting me to a meal out with the NA crowd 

To celebrate a members ten year clean time

Again I was really surprised that I was invited

That it even occurred to this girl to include me 

It's a sad situation that I feel this low about myself 

But I do

I've spoken to Mary about this

And she assures me that if I keep doing what I'm doing

Then my confidence and self esteem will improve

I sincerely hope it does

Because it's just horrible feeling this way

To be so hyper sensitive

And to hate on myself so much

And the thing is

I think it takes quite a lot for me not to like someone

I get on with most people

And I love meeting new people

And making new friends

But my paranoia gets in the way of forming long lasting friendships

I always feel like I say the wrong thing

Or put my foot in it

And then spend weeks beating myself up about it

I bully myself in a lot of ways

Even here on blogger

I am always blown away by the kind an thoughtful comments that people write here every single day

The friends that I have made here mean so much to me

Do much more than you will ever know

I truly value and treasure each and everyone of you

And to be welcomed in to this community with open arms has warned my heart over and over again

This is the reason that I used drugs 

And my ED

Because I couldn't stand myself

Because I hated the person I was

Because I felt useless and hopeless

Because I had zero confidence 

And not an iota of self belief 

So trying to navigate through life without these crutches is not an easy task

I know have to find new and healthy ways of coping 

By attending meetings

Talking to friends who are in recovery

By being gentle with myself

And bring kind to myself

It's all so new

But I am doing my best to keep my mind and body relatively well

I've had a couple of comments recently

That I look like I am losing weight again

But in fact my weight is more stable than its been in years

I don't think I am losing weight

I think it's just that my weight is settling

And it's only now becoming noticeable 

In spite of the way I am feeling

I will plough on

I'm not about to give up

On you or myself

I have way too much to lose now

I am hoping and praying

That my perception of myself will improve

It sure as hell can't get any worse

Do I will continue to fight 

To fight for a better life

For peace of mind

For a happy mind and body

I'll do it for my family 

For Honey and Lea

Who rely on me so much

And who I refuse to let down 

And for myself 

There is just no other option right now

I was wondering about you

Have you ever suffered with a lack of confidence?

How did you deal with it?

What helped you find your confidence?

Do you ever experience paranoia? 

What helped you overcome this?

Do let me know if you have any tips or advice in this regard

Should have gone to spec savers.....

And in fact I did

Rewind to Wednesday

I finally made an appointment to get my eyes tested

After much time straining to see things that are far away

Like my teeth

My eyes went without care or attention for most of my 33 years

So during the week

I made my way to spec savers with my sister

And had the long overdue test

As it turned out

I do need glasses 

Long sighted I think they call it

So I was told to go and pick frames

And my glasses would be ready Saturday 

It didn't take me long to pick frames

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a quick shopper

Get in and get out as fast as possible

That's my motto

Anyway

Here they are....

Psych central

I recieved an email last week

From John from the site psych central.com

John informed me that this blog had been chosen as one of the top 10 eating disorder blogs of the year

I was thrilled to get this news

As sometimes I wonder about my blog

And if it's doing any good to help the plight of the eating disordered person

I started writing my blog for me

But I continue to write it for you

I try to write as honestly and as openly as I can

To speak the truth about life with a mental illness

Of course my blog benefits me

And I would write whether one person reads or 1000 people read

But I also write in the hope that my blog helps others

That it contributes to this community

And goes some way to fighting the war against this illness

If you want to check out the top 10 blogs

Here is the link

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/04/26/top-10-eating-disorder-blogs-2015/

Once bitten, twice shy....

As you know

I am back going to meetings

After years of avoiding them

And years of being in and out of the rooms

Meetings are great

There is something magical about gathering together with a group of like minded people

All striving for the same goal

All fighting for sobriety

There are some people in the rooms with fantastic recovery

But unfortunately there are also some very unwell people there too

The thing with NA or AA is that they are completely open

Anyone can walk in

Sit down

Listen to others share

And even share themselves

So there are people from every walk of life

Poor people 

Rich people 

People who are still using or drinking

People who want to get well

People who don't 

People who go to meetings just to get the courts or family off their back

Of course there are people who are there to get well

But some people do have a hidden agenda

It's not uncommon for people to swap phone numbers at meetings

It's good to have a network of people who you can call when times are tough

So recently I have swapped numbers with quite a few people

And thought nothing off

I was a bit wary about giving my number to two men in particular

But they asked

And I am too polite to say no

But boy am I sorry 

These two men are at almost every meeting I go to

And from what I can tell

They live in their own little worlds 

One of the men rings me quite a lot

The first few times I answered

But have now stopped

As when I am talking to him

It's very hard to get away from him

Although I must admit

Sometimes he can be very nice

Like the day he rang me up to let me know that 'someone cares'

And last night he left a message on my voice mail telling me that he 'appreciates me being on the planet' 

And that I contribute to his life

That's all fine and dandy

But he can also be very inappropriate

Like when he asked me about his girlfriend

Who is 53 

And thinks she might pregnant????

Then asking me if it's common to want sex more when you are pregnant 

I mean that is just going too far in my opinion

He seems to have no clue that he is being really inappropriate

This guy is not well

From taking too many drugs

He is extremely paranoid 

And quite clingy

He's a nice guy and all

But he's someone that I don't really want to engage with a lot

Maybe that's mean

But I have to look after myself 

And my sobriety

I know that he has upset a lot of members of AA

And a lot of people don't have any time for him 

So I guess if I stop answering his calls

He will stop ringing me

The other guy who I gave my number too is also a grade A head the ball

At first

He was sending me innocent texts

Just asking how I am and such

I answered 

But did not get in to a conversation with him

Then a couple of days ago

He texted me to say that he was full of guilt and shame after lusting after women

And went on to talk about Internet porn and the like

This is the same guy who accosted me at my first meeting 

And described how he couldn't stop master bating 

I mean hello?

How inappropriate and creepy is that?

Very if you ask me

They say at meetings

That you should stick with the winners

In other words stay around the people who are well

And who have good recovery 

That makes sense

And I do engage with these people

But others who are not recovery orientated are hard to avoid

And me being me

I find it really difficult to be assertive

I was speaking to Breda about this on Tuesday

She gave me some advice on how to deal with these people

And also made the point that I have a warm personality 

And others might think I am an easy target 

And take advantage of me

This also makes sense to me

If I had any sort of a backbone

I would have told these  guys that their behaviour was out of order

 And so inappropriate 

But I just don't have the confidence to do that 

Although I'm going to have to set these guys straight 

And make clear boundaries

Because right now people are walking all over me

And I don't like it

I guess this is something that I can practise

And as my self esteem grows 

Do will my confidence 

And belief in myself

I was wondering about you

Are you confident, assertive and able to stand up for yourself?

What do you think I should do about this situation?

#Break The Stigma

I was contacted by Megan from Northwestern University

Megan and her colleagues launched the Break The Stigma campaign this week

To raise awareness around mental health issues 

And the stigmas attached to them

So this post is about how I break the stigma

I guess I am part of a community of bloggers

That blog honestly and openly about how our mental health issues affect us

In my case it is anorexia, bulimia, depression and anxiety and addiction

My goal from the start was to tell the truth about what it's really like to live with these conditions

I think stigmas stem from a lack of education around mental health

And people fear what they don't understand 

Depression and suicide are a huge problem in my country

And around the world 

Through my blog

I hope that people will get an insight in to what these issues are really about

That there is no need to be afraid 

Knowledge is power

I hope that through this campaign

And the hard work of advocates all around the world

We can put an end to the negative stigmas that persist

How do you break the stigma?

http://counseling.northwestern.edu/announcing-the-breakthestigma-campaig 

'See you on Friday'

It was this morning

Doctor day as usual

I was in and out quickly

As I had the first appointment

Quick chat with my doctor

Then collected my meds

And headed down to the beach to meet my sister who was walking the dogs

We went to the supermarket

And bought soda bread Apple turnovers

Before driving home

I changed into a comfortable tracksuit

I had already taken my meds in the car on the way home

 I'm so used to taking my methadone 

That I can measure it in swigs from the bottle

And don't need to measure it anymore

I gave the dogs a treat before their nap

I made a cup of tea for me and my sister

She had her apple turnover

I decided to keep move until later 

I was taking my tea in to the living room to go and blog

When my sister said to me

'See you on Friday'

I stopped and looked at her

I wasn't sure what she meant

My mum laughed

But I wasn't getting the joke

I asked her what she meant

She gave me a knowing look

Then I realised

'Do you think I'll be out of it until Friday?' I asked her

She nodded 

I looked at my mum again

'Do you think that too?'

'Well in my experience you will be out of it until at least Thursday' she replied

I was a bit taken a back 

But I continued on my way in to the living room

I know they were making a joke

But I think there is truth in jest

It's true

On Mondays I am not very present

I take my meds as prescribed on a Monday

But I call Monday my 'Day off life'

As I usually sleep for most of Monday 

I can't lie

During the week 

I do misuse my meds 

To get out of my own head 

To escape 

To sleep

To opt out 

I know this is not good

And in a lot of ways 

I might as well be using 

As I am taking mind altering substances

I try to keep myself in a state where I can fall asleep at any time

So any time of the day

I can check off the planet

If I am bored 

If I am lonely

Or sad

Or afraid 

I can just close my eyes 

And drift away

I am on five different medications

Including the controlled substance methadone

I'm also on two anti depressants 

And two anti anxiety meds

They have accumulated over the years

It seems every time I hit a crisis

The powers that be increase my meds

If I am completely honest

Meds are not the answer

They are a quick fix

But it's like putting a bandage on a broken leg

It might ease the pain

But it won't cure it at all

I can remember when I was about 12

I complained to my mum that I couldn't sleep 

She brought me to the doctor

And I can distinctly remember hoping that the doctor would put me on sleeping tablets

At 12 years old

Of course he didn't

And I was bitterly disappointed

Since then

I've always looked to pills to cure my ills

And of course this type of thinking contributed to my becoming addicted to drugs 

Then while hospitalised over the years

I can remember looking at other patients collecting their sleeping tablets

And being really jealous

Again

I complained to the doctors that couldn't sleep

And I was promptly put on a sleeper

No questions asked 

I'm not quite sure why I find reality and life so difficult 

I find the days really long 

And tedious 

And boring 

I do have something on every day

And I try and stick to a routine 

But there are many hours to kill

And I tend to do that by knocking myself out and sleeping

Come September

I am starting a part time course

So I really want to get on top of this before then

And also this summer

I am going to ask my local dog kennels 

If I can go out a couple of days a week

I think that would be good for me

And will occupy my days

The other reason I want to escape

Is my thinking

My thinking exhausts me

The negativity over over analysing can be relentless 

I hate it so much

And so the option to escape becomes increasingly attractive

Meetings help with this 

But only to a point

Escaping doesn't solve the problem 

It just postpones it

The. Minute my meds west off

It's back to the merry-go-round of negative thinking

I know that I need to get on top of this 

If I want to move forward in my recovery 

If I want a life

A job

A family 

I need to be 100% sober

It's not easy

But it has to be done if I want any semblance of a normal life

Drugs are a dead end 

The only result of taking drugs are jails, institutions and death

I don't want any of those 

Not at all

I need to get my shit together

Ands the sooner the better