Monday 18 May 2015

The Plumber

Some of you noticed that I mentioned a new Boy in my last post
So I guess I better explain

Just so you know
The new boy 
Who from here on in shall be known as The Plumber
Has absolutely nothing to do The Boy
Who is no longer part of my life

As you know
I have a neighbour who I do little jobs for
I'm over in her house a few times a week
A couple of months ago 
She told me about her plumber
And that he was a lovely guy
And very attractive
I hadn't seen him
So I paid little attention to it
But then last week
He was back at my neighbours house
Honey and Lea were out in the garden
Barking their heads off
So I went out to see what the commotion was
It was The Plumber
I apologised to him
And brought the dogs in
He said not to worry
I didn't get a proper look at him
But I did notice that he was tall and well built with dark hair
I went back inside
And didn't give it another thought

The following morning
I was over in my neighbours house
Chatting to my neighbour
She asked me if I had seen The plumber 
I said I'd had a quick look at him
My neighbour had a mischievous look on her face
As she told me that she had done a little investigation work
She proceeded to tell me that she had asked this guy was married
He said he wasn't 
Or if he has a girlfriend 
He hasn't 
He then asked her what was with all the questions
She told him that she was asking for a 'friend'
I was mortified that she had done this
She then told me that The Plumber said to her that he is approachable
What does that mean people????

My neighbour was having a great laugh to herself telling me all of this
She thought herself especially funny when she told me that he might let me 'hold his pliers'
I want to say I was shocked when she said this 
But I wasn't 
She is always up to mischief

I left my neighbours
And headed home
Where I told my mum and sister what had happened
They thought it was hilarious
And got great mileage out of it slagging me off
Telling me that he can 'fix my pipes' and the like ........
Now everytime I put nice clothes on
Or put make up on
They're all 'Is that for the Plumbr?'
I wish I'd kept my mouth shut

Anyway
That's the story behind that
I'm not really looking for love
If it happens
Well and good
But I  happy enough the way things are
I mean I haven't even had a proper look at this guy
I wouldn't be able to pick him out in a line up
I guess it's of my neighbour
But I don't know if she's doing it for her own amuse  
Or if she really is trying to set me up
I am going to be so embarrassed if I see this guy again
As I'm pretty sure he will figure out who my neighbour was talking about

It's been so long since I had a boyfriend
I mean it's almost been a decade since I was in a relationship
I guess I've been too busy trying to kill myself
I forget what it's like to be someone's girlfriend

I was speaking with my sister the other day
She is a seriel monogomoust
Bouncing from relationship to relationship
She tells me that she doesn't like being alone
Where as I don't mind it so much
I mean I can't imagine sharing a bed with someone 
Having to turn off the light when they want to
Having them hog the duvet
I have a double bed
And I like to sleep diagonally across it
So there's not much room for anyone else
I suppose it's been so long since I've shared my life with someone
And you don't miss what you don't have

But I will keep my eye out for The Plumber.....

Today

Wearing: Blue jeans, blue and white hoody, Roxy high tops

Weighing: not weighing any more

Drinking: Hot sweet tea

Eating: Hunky Dory salt and vinegar crisps

Listening to: Aluna George

Going to: See my doctor

Watching: Undercover Boss

Talking about: Recovery and what else I can do to help myself get better

Feeling: Hopeful, optimistic

Taking: Methadone, Prozac, Olanzapibe, Mirtazapine

Wearing: New glasses

Thinking about: A certain boy (Not The Boy)

Going to: Walk my dogs 

Hoping: To get to a meeting later

Loving: Feeling free from the compulsion to use

Worrying about: What my weight is

Letting go of: Anxiety by telling myself that everything is exactly as it should be

Realising that: I am a good person

Afraid that: My life will never amount to anything

Reading: shopaholic to the stars by Sophie Kinsella

Wearing my hair: In a top knot 

Wondering: If I will ever meet someone 

What are you up to today?

Sunday 17 May 2015

It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you

Over the last couple of months
My world has got a lot bigger and broader 
Rewind 18 months and I am just out of treatment
Feeling afraid
Hopeless
And utterly distraught
Not knowing where to turn
So I chose the only option I had left 
Death
And tried to overdose on my meds
Thankfully I didn't die
Although at the time I was so angry to wake up
Mary intervened when I told her the following week
She really jumped in to action
I saw my doctor and my psychiatrists 
My meds were changed
Olanzapine (anti anxiety) was increased
And another anti depressant was introduced (Prozac)
Then it was a waiting game
To see if the change in meds would work
To see how long I could hold on before losing my shit and my mind again

I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened 
I know it was around April last year 
My mood began to lift
In a really noticeable way
My anxiety lessened
And when I woke up in the morning
I wasn't dreading the day ahead
I can remember standing in the shower on day
And feeling bigger
I stood on the scales
And I had begun to gain weight
At first it was soul destroying 
I couldn't stand myself
But then I began to see the benefits of weight gain
Feeling better
More clear minded
Happier
More energetic
Granted 
My weight increased to a point where I was comfortable 
To about 138 pounds 
It didn't suit me
And I continued to gain weight after I gave up smoking
And then
Suddenly 
Just as quickly as I gained the weight 
I began to lose it again
And my weight is now stable at 117-120 pounds
I can just about live with that

So much has happened in the last year
I got my teeth done
I gave  up smoking 
I had my toes done
I got glasses
But I still felt like something was missing
I wasn't feeling great around Christmas time
And soon after
I relapsed on drugs
That lasted about five weeks
I hurt many people
Including myself
Lost some people for good 
Almost lost my family
It was an horrific time
There was such a horrible atmosphere at home
I had to do something to get back on track
So I went back to meetings
And began seeing an addiction counsellor
And so my cocooned little world began to expand
I had a lot of help
My long suffering family
My best friend Marie
And all the professionals that I see
It is a joint effort
And everyone plays a crucial part

I am now meeting and seeing a lot of people
And this causes me massive anxiety
My confidence has taken such a battering recently 
And my self esteem is on the floor 
I am still trying to like myself
Never mind love myself
And I always presume that people don't like me
My mother and sister tell me that I am paranoid
But I'm not convinced 
I get a notion in my head
That someone doesn't like me
And then I look for evidence to support this
And disregard any evidence that they do like me
I've been seeing this girl around
She is a friend of Marie's
I was convinced that this girl didn't like me
And seeing her was becoming an ordeal
Then one day Marie told me that this girl was asking after me
I was really surprised
And then she sent me a friend request on Facebook
I was even more surprised
It really meant a lot 
Like she was asking me to be her friend
And letting me know that she likes me
It's the little things people

I guess it's because I don't like myself very much
That I can't understand why anyone else would like
I really feel that bad about myself

Yesterday I got a text from another girl 
Inviting me to a meal out with the NA crowd 
To celebrate a members ten year clean time
Again I was really surprised that I was invited
That it even occurred to this girl to include me 
It's a sad situation that I feel this low about myself 
But I do
I've spoken to Mary about this
And she assures me that if I keep doing what I'm doing
Then my confidence and self esteem will improve
I sincerely hope it does
Because it's just horrible feeling this way
To be so hyper sensitive
And to hate on myself so much

And the thing is
I think it takes quite a lot for me not to like someone
I get on with most people
And I love meeting new people
And making new friends
But my paranoia gets in the way of forming long lasting friendships
I always feel like I say the wrong thing
Or put my foot in it
And then spend weeks beating myself up about it
I bully myself in a lot of ways

Even here on blogger
I am always blown away by the kind an thoughtful comments that people write here every single day
The friends that I have made here mean so much to me
Do much more than you will ever know
I truly value and treasure each and everyone of you
And to be welcomed in to this community with open arms has warned my heart over and over again

This is the reason that I used drugs 
And my ED
Because I couldn't stand myself
Because I hated the person I was
Because I felt useless and hopeless
Because I had zero confidence 
And not an iota of self belief 
So trying to navigate through life without these crutches is not an easy task
I know have to find new and healthy ways of coping 
By attending meetings
Talking to friends who are in recovery
By being gentle with myself
And bring kind to myself
It's all so new
But I am doing my best to keep my mind and body relatively well

I've had a couple of comments recently
That I look like I am losing weight again
But in fact my weight is more stable than its been in years
I don't think I am losing weight
I think it's just that my weight is settling
And it's only now becoming noticeable 

In spite of the way I am feeling
I will plough on
I'm not about to give up
On you or myself
I have way too much to lose now
I am hoping and praying
That my perception of myself will improve
It sure as hell can't get any worse
Do I will continue to fight 
To fight for a better life
For peace of mind
For a happy mind and body
I'll do it for my family 
For Honey and Lea
Who rely on me so much
And who I refuse to let down 
And for myself 
There is just no other option right now

I was wondering about you
Have you ever suffered with a lack of confidence?
How did you deal with it?
What helped you find your confidence?
Do you ever experience paranoia? 
What helped you overcome this?
Do let me know if you have any tips or advice in this regard

Saturday 16 May 2015

Should have gone to spec savers.....

And in fact I did

Rewind to Wednesday
I finally made an appointment to get my eyes tested
After much time straining to see things that are far away
Like my teeth
My eyes went without care or attention for most of my 33 years
So during the week
I made my way to spec savers with my sister
And had the long overdue test

As it turned out
I do need glasses 
Long sighted I think they call it
So I was told to go and pick frames
And my glasses would be ready Saturday 

It didn't take me long to pick frames
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a quick shopper
Get in and get out as fast as possible
That's my motto

Anyway
Here they are....






Friday 15 May 2015

Psych central

I recieved an email last week
From John from the site psych central.com
John informed me that this blog had been chosen as one of the top 10 eating disorder blogs of the year
I was thrilled to get this news
As sometimes I wonder about my blog
And if it's doing any good to help the plight of the eating disordered person

I started writing my blog for me
But I continue to write it for you
I try to write as honestly and as openly as I can
To speak the truth about life with a mental illness
Of course my blog benefits me
And I would write whether one person reads or 1000 people read
But I also write in the hope that my blog helps others
That it contributes to this community
And goes some way to fighting the war against this illness

If you want to check out the top 10 blogs
Here is the link

Thursday 14 May 2015

Once bitten, twice shy....

As you know
I am back going to meetings
After years of avoiding them
And years of being in and out of the rooms
Meetings are great
There is something magical about gathering together with a group of like minded people
All striving for the same goal
All fighting for sobriety
There are some people in the rooms with fantastic recovery
But unfortunately there are also some very unwell people there too
The thing with NA or AA is that they are completely open
Anyone can walk in
Sit down
Listen to others share
And even share themselves
So there are people from every walk of life
Poor people 
Rich people 
People who are still using or drinking
People who want to get well
People who don't 
People who go to meetings just to get the courts or family off their back
Of course there are people who are there to get well
But some people do have a hidden agenda

It's not uncommon for people to swap phone numbers at meetings
It's good to have a network of people who you can call when times are tough
So recently I have swapped numbers with quite a few people
And thought nothing off
I was a bit wary about giving my number to two men in particular
But they asked
And I am too polite to say no
But boy am I sorry 

These two men are at almost every meeting I go to
And from what I can tell
They live in their own little worlds 
One of the men rings me quite a lot
The first few times I answered
But have now stopped
As when I am talking to him
It's very hard to get away from him
Although I must admit
Sometimes he can be very nice
Like the day he rang me up to let me know that 'someone cares'
And last night he left a message on my voice mail telling me that he 'appreciates me being on the planet' 
And that I contribute to his life
That's all fine and dandy
But he can also be very inappropriate
Like when he asked me about his girlfriend
Who is 53 
And thinks she might pregnant????
Then asking me if it's common to want sex more when you are pregnant 
I mean that is just going too far in my opinion
He seems to have no clue that he is being really inappropriate
This guy is not well
From taking too many drugs
He is extremely paranoid 
And quite clingy
He's a nice guy and all
But he's someone that I don't really want to engage with a lot
Maybe that's mean
But I have to look after myself 
And my sobriety
I know that he has upset a lot of members of AA
And a lot of people don't have any time for him 
So I guess if I stop answering his calls
He will stop ringing me

The other guy who I gave my number too is also a grade A head the ball
At first
He was sending me innocent texts
Just asking how I am and such
I answered 
But did not get in to a conversation with him
Then a couple of days ago
He texted me to say that he was full of guilt and shame after lusting after women
And went on to talk about Internet porn and the like
This is the same guy who accosted me at my first meeting 
And described how he couldn't stop master bating 
I mean hello?
How inappropriate and creepy is that?
Very if you ask me

They say at meetings
That you should stick with the winners
In other words stay around the people who are well
And who have good recovery 
That makes sense
And I do engage with these people
But others who are not recovery orientated are hard to avoid
And me being me
I find it really difficult to be assertive

I was speaking to Breda about this on Tuesday
She gave me some advice on how to deal with these people
And also made the point that I have a warm personality 
And others might think I am an easy target 
And take advantage of me
This also makes sense to me
If I had any sort of a backbone
I would have told these  guys that their behaviour was out of order
 And so inappropriate 
But I just don't have the confidence to do that 
Although I'm going to have to set these guys straight 
And make clear boundaries
Because right now people are walking all over me
And I don't like it

I guess this is something that I can practise
And as my self esteem grows 
Do will my confidence 
And belief in myself

I was wondering about you
Are you confident, assertive and able to stand up for yourself?
What do you think I should do about this situation?

Tuesday 12 May 2015

#Break The Stigma

I was contacted by Megan from Northwestern University
Megan and her colleagues launched the Break The Stigma campaign this week
To raise awareness around mental health issues 
And the stigmas attached to them
So this post is about how I break the stigma
I guess I am part of a community of bloggers
That blog honestly and openly about how our mental health issues affect us
In my case it is anorexia, bulimia, depression and anxiety and addiction
My goal from the start was to tell the truth about what it's really like to live with these conditions
I think stigmas stem from a lack of education around mental health
And people fear what they don't understand 
Depression and suicide are a huge problem in my country
And around the world 
Through my blog
I hope that people will get an insight in to what these issues are really about
That there is no need to be afraid 
Knowledge is power
I hope that through this campaign
And the hard work of advocates all around the world
We can put an end to the negative stigmas that persist




How do you break the stigma?