Friday, 5 June 2015

Social Media

I'm not hugely in to social media
I am on Facebook
But never post anything on there 
I'm not on Twitter 
And I don't use Instagram or Tumblr
Blogger is really the only medium I use to post about my life 
Most of the people who read my blog
I don't actually know
I know some of my family and friends read it
But not all the time
I don't know why I don't use Facebook
I don't even really go on it to read about others
It's just not my thing I guess

I love my blog though
And I love this little community that we have here
It seems that Wordpress is a more popular blogging platform
With endless ED blogs 
A couple of years ago 
I did start writing a blog there called Poppy Recovering
And I also collaborated on a blog with the lovely Angharad called Partners in Crime
But in the end
I always come back to blogger
Blogger feels like home
And you all feel like family 

Our community is small but tightly knit
And I love that
It has also changed over time
When I started blogging 3 years ago it was an active and buzzing place 
There were so many blogs and bloggers
Remember Rayya?
Anna Stone?
The Lovely Bones?
And so many more
They just seemed to fall off the face of the earth
And completely vanish 
This worries me
Where did they go?
Did they recover?
God they grow out of their ED?
Did they go to treatment?
Was their anonymity compromised?
Did the finally tell their ED to fuck right off?
Did they get really ill?
Did they die?
I wish I knew
But that's just life 
People come and go
One day they are a huge part of our existence
But then life happens
People move on
They grow up
They find another way

Our community at the moment is quite small
I actually don't read blogs about any thing else other than EDs
But recently I've had an urge to read about other topics
Line animals
Or books 
Or writing
I guess as my life expands 
So go my interests
I heard a lovely quote the other day

Our lives expand or shrink in direct proportion to our courage 

I love that
And it's so true
When I was in the midst of my illness
My life was so limited
So narrow
But as I grow and change
My life becomes more full
More rich
With new people and experiences 
Yes it is challenging
Yes sometimes all I want to do is check off the planet
Or run in to the arms of my ED
Life can be boring 
And monotonous
Compared to the roller coaster of addiction and ED
Life can be pretty tame
But then again 
That doesn't have to be a bad thing
My life was one drama after another hit do long 
Now my life is quieter
More stable 
That can be both a good and a bad thing

Over the years of writing this blog
Writing has become a passion of mine
I've always lived words and English and reading
I don't consider myself to be a great speaker
So writing is perfect for me
I can get the words out at my own pace
I can take my time
With speaking 
I get anxious and flustered quite easily
I would much rather write than speak 
I write here on blogger every day
Every single morning
I settle down on my phone with a cup of tea
And write about whatever is in my mind
And the absolute high light of my day
Is getting comments from you wonderful ladies
I always appreciate people taking the time and energy to leave a comment
And I get such thoughtful and kind ones
I always make an effort to reply
As I like to engage with readers 
And also to thank them

Starting this blog has been one of the better decisions I have made in recent years
Getting to know you had been such a joy
I don't need to name you 
You know who you are
Some of you have been there from the start
Some are newer readers
But you are all so precious to me 
Each and every one of you have a special place in my heart
You are more than friends
You are fellow fighters in the war against our EDs
You are soul sisters 
Like family to me
You have been there for me through thick and thin
You've cried with me
Laughed with me
Picked me up when I fell
Encouraged me
You've strengthened me
Believed in me
Had faith in me
Even when I had none in myself 
That means so much to me
More than I can express
So thank you for that
For being my friend
My sister
My fellow survivor
My confidant 
I will never forget the kindness and love that you have shown me
Thank you

I was wondering about you
What social media do you use?
How do you think blogger compares to other mediums?
How do you rate blogger?
I'd love to know ......

What I achieved yesterday

Thank you all for the suggestion you made on topics to write about 
They were all great
And today's topic was suggested by the lovely Shelby
And it's about what I achieved today
Or actually what I achieved yesterday because it's only 10am here
So apart from crawling out of bed
I haven't done much
Let's begin 

Yesterday was Thursday 4th June
First things first
The first thing I achieved was getting out of bed
I know this sounds like a minor thing
 But the way I feel sometimes in the morning
Getting up at all is an achievement 

I brought Honey and Lea for a walk
Then brought my neighbours dog for a walk
Albeit a very short one

After a cup of tea
I went and had a sun bed session
It was then bearing 1pm
Time for my lunch time meeting
I had an argument in my head about whether to go or not
I stared in to the mirror 
Literally looking at myself
And having a fight with my own reflection
I know I should go
But what I really want to do is drive straight home and take a fistful of meds 
In the end
I did the right thing
And went to my meeting 

I arrived at AA late
I hate being late
I sat down 
And immediately felt anxious
It was only a small meeting
But I was dreading speaking
And in fact
I couldn't think of anything to talk about
So I decided I wouldn't speak at all
But then there was such a long silence after everyone else had spoken 
That I felt under a bit of pressure to speak
So I did
Which was an achievement in itself 
But I spoke from a place of fear and anxiety
So the words fell out of my mouth
And the weren't necessarily the words I wanted to speak 
I didn't say much
But I wasn't happy with what I said
The meeting finished up
And I headed home 
Even though it didn't go as planned
I was glad I went

Then in the car on the way home 
The post meeting analysis began
I began to take apart everything I had said 
Wondering what the others thought of me
Had I said anything wrong or offensive?
It was relentless 
I kept saying out loud
'Shut up' 
But my mind was in a frenzy
And I was mentally beating myself up
I got home
And again
My mind turned to meds
And yet again 
I had another argument with myself about whether to take a knock out amount
I knew I had Mary in a couple of hours
And I was so tempted to text her to cancel
But then I remembered that she had said she is extremely busy
And if I am going to cancel 
To give her plenty of notice
I didn't think it was fair to cancel
So I didn't 
Another achievement 
was so glad I went to see Mary
She is such a breath of fresh air 
And in talking to her 
I felt the pressure life from my head

Other things I achieved today.....

I didn't overuse my meds

I helped my sister make pasta

I didn't smoke 

I gave my mum some money towards housekeeping

I resisted the urge to Internet shop

I didn't bite the head off the shopkeeper that was rude to me

I ignored a call from The Boys friend 

What did you achieve today?

Thursday, 4 June 2015

There's something about Mary

I know 
I know
I've used that title once or twice before
But there really is something about Mary
As in my Mary
As in Mary my ED therapist

I'm seeing Mary once a week now
All in all I've been seeing her over three years now
She has been a life saver 
She has been there for me when I couldn't speak to anyone else
And she seems to have an uncanny knack of knowing when I am struggling 
Without me uttering a word 

I saw Mary yesterday
We always start off chatting about something unrelated to EDs
And this week it was eye sight and glasses
As I have just got new ones
We laughed about how we each had been going about life in blurry vision
And  now we could see!

Then it was down to business
First Mary wanted to know if I had been weighing myself
I said I had 
About two times this week
And in the last two weeks I thought I had gained a few pounds
She asked if she could weigh me
I begrudgingly agreed
Mary warned me that she had a new scale
And it was weighing 1kg heavier than her old scale
Oh great I thought to myself 
I stepped on to the scale 
But didn't look down at the number
All the while we were having a very interesting conversation about Scales 
I was telling Mary about last September when I weighed myself on my uncles scales
And saw a number I've never seen in my life before
A number that was so high I could barely comprehend it
Mary asked me what kind of scales it was
I told her it was a dial scale
She said they are notoriously unreliable
She told me that the most reliable scales are the old fashioned ones
You know the ones where they move the actual weight on the scale?
I found all this fascinating

I sat back down
And Mary asked me what I thought my weight was
I gave her an estimate
And I was bang on
I asked her if it was a healthy weight for my height
And she worked out that my BMI is 21
I can live with that
Just about

The reason I can live with this number
Is that I have experienced the payoffs of being a healthy weight
Mary and I talked about when I first started seeing her
I was a shell of a person
I constantly felt sick, cold and weak
I felt hopeless 
And desperate
Now that I am of a healthy weight
My physical health as well as my mental health has drastically improved
I'm now strong
And able
And capable
The difference is night and day

Mary never lets me leave her office 
Without telling me how far I have come
She often mentions the conference I spoke at
And I can see the pride in her eyes 
She told me that whenever someone asks her if recovery is possible
And if they can get better
She says that yes it is possible
And she thinks of me
I was blown away by this
It was such a lovely thing to say
I guess by anyone's standards 
My life has changed immeasurably 
Mary always reminds me of where I have come from
And that's what my meetings do too
I think it's so important 
Because if I forget where I've cone from
I could end up back there very easily

Mary has been more than a therapist to me 
On some level
I would like to think that she is a friend
And a fellow fighter in this battle against my ED
She is the one professional in my life that I tell basically everything to
I tell my doctor bits
I tell Breda bits
But Mary?
She gets all the gory details 
All the bits that I am ashamed and embarrassed about
She's the one I told about my overdose last year
She's was first one I confided in when I was caught shoplifting 
I feel close enough to get to tell her these things
But she's also just far enough away to be objective
I know I am blessed
And I count my lucky stars that I have her in my life
I've seen countless therapists and counsellors over years
The one who told me I was 'emancipated' 
I think she meant to say emaciated 
The one who told me I was 'not that bad' when I had a BMI of 13
Oh yes
Thre have been many shocking ones
But Mary came in to my life at just the right time
They say don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle
And my miracle came just in the nick of time 


I guess what with posting every day
I am bound to run out of things to write about
And today is one of those days
I could write about the antics of my neighbours
And all the drama there 
In fact I started writing a post about them
But decided against it 
As it didn't feel right making a post out of their misfortune 
So I am throwing the floor over to you
Are there any topics you would like to see written about here on this blog
Whether they are ED related
Addiction related 
Or something entirely different 
I'm always on the look out for topics for this blog
Usually I think about what I'm going to write about when I walk my dogs in the morning
But this morning
I had no inspiration at all
So if you can think of anything 
Do let me know....

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

For you

A lot has changed for me over the past year
As I dip my toe in to this thing called recovery 
My whole life has had a transformation 
And that includes my blogging and writing
I read back on old posts
And I see a very different girl
A girl that was physically and mentally compromised
I lived in what I call Deaths Waiting Room
Some where between life and death
A wishy washy no mans land 
My writing back then was hopeless
I wrote from a really bad place
A place where my ED called the shots
And I had little or no control over my life
It was a living hell
I tell no lie

As I have started to recover
My writing has changed
I'm sure you have noticed too
I'm more positive 
I guess I am no longer existing
I am living my life 
My way
For the first time in years
And as I tentatively venture in to recovery
So my reading has changed too

Some of the blogs I used to read
I can no longer
For a variety of reasons
Some blogs are very triggering
And I have to protect myself from that
I hope you understand 
A lot of the time 
It's just too upsetting to read about so many of you beautiful girls struggles
I think of all the wonderful people here on blogger
Pouring their hearts in to the giant abyss that is the internet 
The bottomless vacuum that is the World Wide Web
It's overwhelming to think of all these people suffering
And so 
A lot of the time 
I can't read it
I'm hoping you understand
If your blog is one of the blogs I've stopped reading
I am truly sorry 
But as I said 
I have to protect myself

If you are reading this today
Then post is for you
If you are in recovery 
If you are thinking about recovery
If you are fighting the daily battle against this illness
This post is for you
If you are not in recovery 
If you can't even contemplate it
If your ED seems too big to conquer
If you are losing hope 
If you feel utterly lost
This post is for you

If you are struggling with anorexia
Binge eating disorder 
Bipolar disorder
Personality disorder
Or any other mental health issue
This post is for you

If you are alone in this world
If you don't have family or friends to turn to
If you feel you have no one 
This post is for you

If you haven't told anyone about your ED
If you are silently battling your demons
This post is for you 

If you feel like it's all too much
If you feel like you can't do this
If you feel overwhelmed 
This post is for you 

If you read this blog every day
If you read sometimes 
If you just stumbled across it today
This post is for you

I know that sometimes recovery seems impossible
And that there is no point in trying 
Out EDs can convince us that we are weak
And we can't do it
Our EDs would have us believe that recovery is not an option
I'm here to tell you that recovery is possible
I was at a point in my life 
Where I thought the only option was death
Because I would have rather died than live this half life any more 
I know it seems like my recovery started very suddenly
And it did in a lot of ways
But in reality 
I have been trying to recover for years
I'm even hesitant to use the word recovery
As I don't always feel I am in recovery
But as they say in AA
The only requirement  for membership is a desire to stop using/drinking 

I just want you to know 
That there is hope
There is always hope
I thought I was a lost cause
I figured if my addiction didn't kill me
Then my ED would 
The odds were stacked against me
And I felt I didn't have a chance at life or recovery

So please
Don't  give up
Don't give in
Keep that light in your heart alive
I have seen people at deaths door make a remarkable recovery
We are never too far gone 
Never a lost cause
You can do this
You can have a better life
I promise you this

Give yourself the greatest gift
The gift of life
Reach out and grab it
Don't let it pass you by
Because all too soon 
This life will be over
And will have been just a drop in the ocean of history
Don't let your ED take one more year, month, day from you
Because in spite of what she says
She wants us dead
That is her ultimate goal
To take our lives
Don't let her do that 
Don't let her win
There is nothing glamorous or romantic about starving yourself to death
Or purging do much that you go in to cardiac arrest
I was lucky
I made it out relatively unscathed
But as you know
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness

So please
Do it
Go for it
Take that leap of faith
Grab the gift of recovery with both hands 
And don't let go
It will be worth it
I just know it will be

Tuesday, 2 June 2015


This post is chance for you to ask me a question
Any thing you like
Maybe about addiction or ED
Or about something completely different
I will do my best to answer it
As you know
I am pretty much an open book
So no topic is off limits 
I get asked questions through email 
So I though I would dedicate a post to it
I am handing the floor ovet to you
What would you like to know........?

Monday, 1 June 2015


My goodness it's the first of June already
How time does fly 
This month
I have a birthday party
A fortieth
My sisters friend 
And it's in Cork
Which is the other end of the country
As you may know
I don't tend to go to a lot of social events
Partly because I don't drink
And partly because I'm usually in my pyjamas by 8pm
I guess I got all my partying done at an early age
I was just 14 when I started going to nightclubs
Then came the drug years
When I was out every night of the weekend
And when I wasn't out
I was taking drugs at home
So by the time I was 26
I was pretty much done with partying 
don't really venture out after dark now
I don't go to pubs anymore
I've done my time in nightclubs
I used to be a night owl
But I am definitely a morning person

So anyway
I have this party at the end of the month
So the hunt has been in to find something to wear
I had bought a pretty blue skirt and top to wear
But the weather is keeping so cold
That I don't think I am going to get a chance to wear that 
So I've had to find something else
Here is what I've come up with......

Black leather jacket - Dorothy Perkins
Capri pants - Next
White t-shirt - River Island
Nude sandals- Fat Face