Tuesday 8 September 2015

Constant Craving

I've been up since 6am
As my mother was catching an early morning flight to London
My sister is also away for a few days this weekend 
So I will be home alone
If we can at all help it
We try and not have me here alone for any prolonged period of time
I know it sounds silly
I mean I'm a 34 year old woman
And it's not that I have trouble looking after myself or the house 
It's the fact that when I am on my own
My mind tends to wander
And I could very easily get myself in to trouble
Like now
Knowing that I will be here alone 
My mind goes to dark places
And my mischievous side comes out 
I think about the things I could get up to
I could smoke 
Drink
Get out of my face on various substances 
Sometimes I get such a craving 
To get out of my mind
Off my head 
To check off the planet 
And completely zone out
To go on the nod
Slipping in and out of consciousness

I know that cravings are part and parcel of recovery 
Anyone who has a tendency for escapism deals with them
Usually I get a craving after experiencing a trigger
A song 
A smell
An item 
It could be anything 
Euphoric recall I think they call it
For instance at my mothers retirement do
Being in a bar
The stress of the speech 
Feeling a bit self conscious 
All added up to my having a drink
I've been told by countless therapists that I can't drink
But I don't think I fully accept that
I want to be able to drink 
I want to have a glass of wine with dinner 
A bottle of beer at night
But the thing is 
Even though alcohol was not my primary addiction
I still have the perpensity to spin out of control
Yes 
I might have been ok one night
And only had two drinks 
But that was only because I was on my best behaviour 
I know I could take a notion
Buy a bottle of vodka
And drink it all at home 
I know if I allow myself one drink
One is too many 
And a thousand never enough 

Smoking is a funny one
As you know 
I was a dedicated smoker
A 30 a day girl
I loved nothing more than a cup of tea and a smoke 
I did my best thinking over a cigarette
But 
I just couldn't afford them anymore 
They had to go 
I can't lie 
I do miss them 
But I don't get huge cravings for one
I could go a whole day without even thinking of one 
It's like that part of my brain has been reprogrammed 
I've iften heard it said that cigarettes are harder to give up than heroin 
Well I can categorically tell you that that is utter horse shit
Heroin was by far more difficult to give up
I never stole to get money for smokes
I never tore a room apart looking for a bag of gear
I didn't go in to severe physical withdrawal when I stopped smoking 
My body didn't crave a smoke like it craved heroin
Oh no 
Smoking was no near as difficult to give up

I get strange urges from time to time 
Like when I am walking the cliff walk with the dogs 
I get a massive urge to jump
And sometimes I'm afraid that I really will do it 
I've been in my car
And put my foot down on the accelerator 
Daring myself to drive in to the nearest wall
Or go so far that the car spins out of control
I've had urged to break my fingers and toes 
To put a hot iron on my skin
To throw myself from the top of the stairs 
Or walk out bin front of a car
The other day I had a huge urge to delete my blog 
And stop writing altogether
I though that I was just writing drivel 
That I was a bad person
And hurt people
And always said/wrote the wrong thing 
I feel like I'm always putting my foot in it 
And here in our little corner of blogger 
A lot of people here are fragile
And I need to remember that 

I go back to the original title of this blog
And then she disappeared
Even though I have since changed it to and then she recovered
The original title still holds meaning for me
I still get huge urged to disappear 
From my blog
From the Internet 
From my life 
From this earth
I'm not sure why 
I just don't always feel like I want to be here 
At this point 
I must say 
Please don't worry about me writing this 
I am perfectly fine 
Just feeling a little maudlin and sad today
And that's ok
I had an amazing day yesterday 
And I think I am on a bit of a come down today 

I'm not going to do anything silly 
I'm not feeling suicidal 
Or anything like it
These feelings and thoughts are normal for me 
I deal with them all the time
I gues sometimes I question myself and my life
And even this blog
I question why I am writing 
Is it for me?
For my own ego?
Is it to help others?
Or maybe both?
All I know is that I love writing this blog 
And I love you my fellow bloggers
This blog has been there for me in my darkest hour 
And also to celebrate my recovery 
I feel drawn to it
I feel compelled to write
Even if no one was reading 
I think I would still write 
Because it helps me
It warms my heart
And lightens my burden
And fills my soul 
It's an amazing thing 
To have a head full of noise
To sit down and write and write 
And come to the end
And my mind is quiet
There are very few things that have that effect on me 
And writing is definitely one of them 

I am so grateful to have this blog 
And you as my dear friends
It's no exaggeration to say that my online social life is more active than my real life social life 
We something special here on blogger
In something as isolating as an ED
We have found friendship and solace in each other 
We have found acceptance and unconditional love 
Understanding and valuable advice 
I know a lot of people think that these kind of blogs are not healthy
Or helpful at all 
Maybe that's because we accept someone's choice if they choose not to recover
You know when I first embarked on recovery
I worried that I wouldn't have a place in this community anymore 
I was even warned by others that I would be rejected by people here 
But I have in fact found the opposite 
My choices and decision have been accepted
And even celebrated 
And I am eternally grateful for that 

I'm writing this blog now over three years 
I often go back an read old posts 
It's amazing to have almost every day documented 
And I also notice all the bloggers who have disappeared over the years 
Do you remember Rayya?
The Lively Bones
Emily
Winter 
Peridot 
Thinderella who vanished off the face of the earth 
And more recently 
Mandy 
(R)oxyskinny
I think of these girls often 
We were part of the fabric of each other's lives 
I wonder what happened to them 
Did they recover?
Did they find that they didn't need this community anymore? 
Did they go in to hospital/treatment?
Did they die?
I wish I knew 
As they all had a special place in my heart 
I have it set up that if something happened to me 
Then my sister or Mother can log in to my blogger account 
And let you all know 
As much as I would like to disappear sometimes 
I would hate to leave you all wondering what happened to me 
I cherish our community 
And hope to preserve it 
Hope to welcome in new bloggers 
And continue to support the regulars 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you
Do you know what happened to any of these bloggers? 
How do you feel about our community at the moment?
Do you feel our community helps one another?
Do you have any new blogs you would like to share?
Is love to know...

Monday 7 September 2015

34 (And none the wiser.,,.)

As I type this
I am sitting in the chemist
Waiting for my prescription to be filled
My doctor was back this morning
The kids are gone back to school
The radio is back to its usual schedule
Everyone has gone back to work
So all in all
Everything is getting back to normal
Just the way I like it
I guess I don't like the summer much
Maybe I would if we actually got a summer here 
But no
Autumn is my favourite season by far

We had a birthday dinner yesterday
Which was nice
My sister made my favourite dinner
Boeuf bourguignon
Delicious!
It was a relaxed laid back affair
Followed by tea and apple tart
People have me money instead of gifts
As I am going away in a couple of weeks
My mum did get me some beautiful Cath Kidson tea cups though
And white chocolate
And talcum powder
Which I love

I collected my meds 
And headed back down to the surgery to see Breda
It was a really good session with her
One where we acknowledged the positives that are happening in my life
She noticed my glasses 
And my piercing 
And said I looked really well
Which was nice to hear 
It used to be a case that when someone told me that I looked well
I had a mild panic attack 
But now
Now I am learning to accept the compliment in the spirit in which it was intended
Who'd have thought it...

I guess my look is changing 
During my addiction and ED
What I looked like just didn't matter 
I had no interest in clothes or hair or make up or my appearance at all
It's only really in the last year that I've started experimenting with my look
I guess now I know what I like 
I know what clothes suit me 
I'm a bit better at hair and make up 
As you know 
I go for the surfer type look
Even though I've never surfed a day in my life
I still like the look
I've changed my whole wardrobe in the last year
I'm much more confident in what I wear 
And how I present myself 
Breda also noticed my piercing 
She said it was a really good look on me
She also mentioned how it's great thstbibdm asserting myself 
And doing what is right for me
This is the great thing about being that little bit older 
I'm more confident in myself 
More sure of myself
I know my likes and dislikes
What suits me 
What doesn't 
I guess I'm now doing the experimenting thstbibfidnt get a chance to do in my twenties 
And it is such good fun!

I told Breda about being discharged from Mary
She thought that was great 
The only negative is that I haven't gone back to meetings yet
And she strongly advised that I do
I know that I need to
But I'm finding it really hard to go back
I know the longer I leave it 
The harder it will be
So my goal is to get to a meeting before I go away

I have such a good feeling that this year is going to be the best yet
I'm the most well I've been in years
And I plan to make the most of my health and well being 
As I said to Breda this morning
It has been a team effort to get this far
My family 
Friends 
Mary 
My doctor 
Breda
My psychiatrist 
You my fellow bloggers
Have all played an integral role in my getting well
I couldn't have done it without each and every one of you

If I could say one thing 
To all of you that are suffering right now
Please
Please 
Please
Don't leave it as long as I did to get well
I know a lot of you are in your early twenties 
Some even younger than that 
My own twenties were a right off
And when I was in the midst of my illness
I couldn't see a way out
Weight gain was a huge barrier
I resisted it so much 
I couldn't see any benefit to it
I was willing to risk my health
My happiness 
And my sanity
Just to stay thin
I can't lie 
Weight restoration is not fun
The discomfort
Clothes getting tighter
Bloating 
Feeling fat and greedy
But slowly but surely 
I began to see the benefits of weight restoration
My General health drastically improved
I no longer felt dizzy 
Weak
Exhausted 
It was like a fog lifted
Suddenly I could see more clearly
Think more clearly 
And also I got to buy all new clothes
To replace the teeny tiny clothes I used to wear 
My mood also improved 
I felt more positive and content in myself 

I know when you are in the throes of our illness 
Recovery seems like something that happens to others 
A foreign concept 
But if we could just make that leap of faith
I promise you that you will get back ten fold what you put in
I remember when I was getting clean from drugs
I decided to give myself six months
And really throw myself in to recovery
If after those six months I didn't like it 
I could always go back to my ED
It would always be there 
My recovery might not be
I guess the sane principle can be used with an ED 
We have nothing to lose 

Anyway 
Below are a couple of photos 
Me and my pyjamas this morning 
A couple of the cards I got
And the cups my Mother gave me









Sunday 6 September 2015

Sunday

Although it is my birthday tomorrow
We are celebrating today
I say celebrating
More like a small family dinner 
That's what I wanted 
Something informal and low key
A get together with my nearest and dearest
Tomorrow I'll be 34
It's a big deal for me to even admit to that
For the first couple of years writing this blog
I avoided telling anyone my age
Because I felt ashamed
Ashamed that I was a woman in my thirties 
And I had made such a mess of my life
Now?
Well now I'm proud of my age
I proud that I made it this far
Yes I have little to show for my life
I don't have a partner 
Or children
A job
Or my own house 
What I do have is my health
And peace of mind 
And that outweighs anything else

34 
Another year 
Usually I would be clocking up the years of my illness 
But now I am counting my years in recovery 
By rights 
I should be dear ten times over
In the meetings 
They say people in recovery are hand picked 
I don't know if that's true 
But it's a nice thought

Anyway 
I'll post pictures of said dinner later on
Have a good Sunday.....

Saturday 5 September 2015

Freedom to live

Today I am really struck by the freedom I have to live
Watching the crisis in Syria
And all those poor refugees 
I realise how lucky I am to live in a country where I am free to do as I please
But not just free from prosecution
I am free from the my own demons
The demons inside my head
The demons that drove me to the brink of death
Free from the drug that held me captive for so many years
I was a slave to that drug
And I never let myself forget how bad things were when I was addicted to heroin
Never 
And of course my ED
Bouncing from anorexia to bulimia and back again 
The scary thing about these disorders is that we don't realise how sick and near death we truly are
I am one of the lucky ones 
I made it out relatively unscathed 
I think our thirties are a time when things either get a lot better 
Or a lot worse
I guess it's when you really grow up
And become an adult
Addiction took so much out of me
The getting and using 
Finding ways and means to get drugs 
I had the energy for it in my twenties 
But now
No way 
I don't have the energy 
Or the inclination to chase the dragon
Heroin brought me to my knees 
And burned me out 
Mentally and physically
And throw in an ED
And I was broken 
It has taken until now 
Until I turn 34 
To put the pieces of the jigsaw that is my life back together 

This morning I woke up
With a roof over my head
In a dry bed 
In a warm house 
My dogs woke me up
WAnting to go outside 
I have no pressing worries
The only thing in my mind is my upcoming birthday
And the family dinner we will have
I get up 
Throw on a hoody and slippers
Let the dogs out 
Put the kettle on
And make some toast 
I look out the window 
And see the mountains just beyond the back garden 
Every window in my house is like a huge wide screen TV
Showing the beauty and wonder of this beautiful country
I turn on the radio
And settle down with my tea and toast
Like I said 
I have no worries
I am not strung out 
I am not gasping for a drink or drug
I'm not weak from lack of food 
My body and mind are healthy 
My inner critic is silent 
I am at peace 

After a while 
I make my Mum breakfast and bring it down to her in bed 
Honey comes too
And Lea waits in the car
I chat with Mum a while 
Then I get dressed 
I am lucky enough to have plenty of nice clothing 
I scrub up well if I make an effort
Next I go and call my sister
She sleep upstairs
I think about how glad I am to have her home
After being in Australia for 12 years
How great it is to talk to her when ever I want

When we all ready 
We all pile in to my sisters car 
My Mum and sister in the front
Me and Honey and Lea in the back
We drive to the beach
For a brisk walk
As I watch the dogs running so freely 
And having a great time 
I think about how lucky I am to have such amazing dogs 
And how they have helped me so very much
They truly are my best friends 

We walk the beach
Then head down to the village
We visit the peace garden 
Which is so quiet and peaceful
We run our hands along the lavender
And cup them around our noses to inhale  the scent 
We sit on the bench in silence for a few moments 
And just for that minute
Everything is ok
And exactly how it should be

It's no fluke 
Or freak of nature that I am the way I am
I come from a long line of people who suffer from addiction and mental health issues
There are six in my family
Four of us have suffererd  with these issues
A few years ago
All four of us were in active addiction
It was a living nightmare
But now 
All four of us are clean and sober and well
And that is nothing short of a miracle

Today I am grateful
So very grateful
For coming through what I've been through
For making it out the other side
Along with my family 
I am grateful for the lessons I have learned along the way
I am grateful that I live in a country where freedom is a given
And I can live the way I want to
I am grateful for the people I have in my life 
My family whose unwavering support has seen me through so many bad times
The friends who have stood by me through it all
I am grateful for the professionals in my life 
My doctor
Mary
Breda
My psychiatrist 
Who have gone above and beyond their duty to help me
I am grateful to have two amazing dogs 
Who are always by my side
And have been there for me for the past ten years 
I am grateful for my health
Given all I have put my body through 
I know I am blessed to be as healthy as I am
I am grateful for my recovery 
For my peace of mind 
For my drive and determination for a better life
I am grateful that I was hand picked to be in recovery
That I have a second chance at life
I am grateful that I have a roof over my head
Food in my fridge
And a car to drive 
I am grateful to be part of this community
To call you all friends
For you to be part of my story
And for me to be part of yours
It's very easy to cruise along
Taking life for granted 
But today 
Today I am really feeling the gratitude 
They say to be happy 
You need to want what you have
Not have what you want
And I have a lot
More than a lot of people
I am so grateful for that 

Here are some pics from today....













Friday 4 September 2015

Discharge

I saw Mary yesterday
After my trip to the dog shelter
I always like to see Mary
Our chats are always interesting and informative
We know each other well by this stage
I've been seeing her for four years now
Mary often reminds me of our first session
Her post was new
A position that was greatly needed in the community
Before Mary
ED patients were sent to General CBT
But Mary became a specific ED therapist 
So was geared more towards an ED patients needs
Mary often reminds me of the state I was in when I first saw her
I was broken
Both in body and mind 
In my mind 
This new therapy was the latest in a long line of failed attempts to get on top of my ED 
I had no expectations 
Very little hope
After all
I had been through therapist who told me that I 'wasn't that bad'
And another one who told me that I was 'emancipated'
My memory of those first sessions is hazy 
But then everything from that time was hazy
I was running off of fumes 
Underweight
Malnourished 
Mentally and physically weak
And of course it wasn't a case that I miraculously recovered
It was a long hard road
So many sessions of butting heads
Many many tears 
My walking out on more than one occasion 
I put up great resistance to getting well
My weight has fluctuated greatly over the years 
From emaciated to just about heslthy and back again 
I had a break from Mary when I went in to treatment
Another one when my weight became too low for her to see me
And another one when her post was  cut due to budget issues 
But I always went back
And Mary always made an effort to get me back 

I think you can probably guess where this post is heading 
Yes 
After four long years
Of highs and lows
Ups and downs 
Tears and laughter 
Mary informed me that she is formally discharging me
And not because I am not engaging in therapy
Or because my weight is too low to continue
Oh no 
It's because I am actually well enough!
I was actually gobsmacked
Because most of the time 
I consider myself to be a perpetual f**k up 
Me 
Queen of trouble and mischief 
Is actually being discharged
Because Mary considers me to be well enough!
At first 
In my head 
I panicked
I was like 
Noooo
I need you
Please don't go
I need Mary in my life
Sometimes she is the only sane person I speak to of a week 
But
She assured me that I have made great strides
And it's time 

We talked for a while
About the last four years 
And the progress that has been made 
In a lot of ways 
It happened quite suddenly
But I think in reality 
I had spent years laying the ground work
By going to therapy 
Months in treatment 
And generally preparing myself mentally for recovery 
I am just over a year in to my recovery
I am weight restored 
I feel good 
My mood is good
My health is the best it's been for a long time 
And I guess that it's now that I am feeling better 
That I realise how low and depressed I was 
I hated myself 
And resented life
I had a passive death wish
Not actively seeking death
But welcoming it if it came 
Now I am stable 
I can feel
And feint is no way as scary as I thought it would be
I'm now strong
Capable and able
And that feels amazing 
I'm now in the process of rebuilding my life 
And trying to find my place in the world
I don't equate beauty with weight anymore
And I am just finding myself 
My opinions
My style
My take on life
I'm a 34 year old woman 
I've been through a lot 
I've survived this long through sheer stubbornness 
And determination 
I've abused my body so much over the years 
I'm just happy that it hasn't given up on me 

So yes 
Next Thursday will be my last appointment with Mary 
Then I am on my own 
Standing on my own two feet 
I feel ready 
I think I can do it 
I really think I can 

Thursday 3 September 2015

Dog Shelter

I'm just back from my appointment at the dog shelter 
When I spoke to them on the phone the other day
They asked me to call in today 
To meet me
And to fill in some paperwork 
My Mum offered to drive
So I took her up on the offer
And we set off at about 10am
The shelter is about half an hour away
I haven't been there in ten years
When I picked up Honey
And brought her home
So I was really excited to go back

We arrived at the shelter just after 10 30am
Mum parked 
And I made my way to the office
The whole way down in the car I was thinking how I should take photos to show you all
But of course 
Once I was there 
I forgot to take any at all

I went through the gate marked 'Office'
And found myself face to face with a rather large Alsation
Beyond him I saw two little dogs
And beyond that two people
One of whom beckoned me in
The dogs gave me a great welcome
And as I sat down
The Alsation kept bringing me over a stick
Which I tried to throw for him
But was a bit difficult as we were in quite a small room

One of the ladies introduced herself as the owner of the shelter
And asked me how they could help me
I said I had been speaking to someone about volunteering 
At that point 
She produced an application form 
And asked me to fill it in
The form was the usual
Name 
Address
Etc 
At the end there was a question asking what type of work I wanted
It named things like dog walking
Cleaning
Laundry
I ticked them all
Except for garden maintenance
As I am no gardener 
I handed the form back
And the lady looked over it
All seemed fine 
The owner then asked one of the ladies working there to show me around

This was the fun part
Getting to meet all the dogs
The first dog I was shown was nothing short of freakin' adorable
The lady told me that he had been found abandoned in a shed
My mind boggles
As I don't know how anyone could do that to a living dog/cat/anything
I swear I wanted to bring that dog straight home with me
But I knew this would happen
I knew I would want to save them all
But I also know that my Mum would have a fit if I started bringing dogs home
So I will resist 
For now

The lady brought me around all the kennels
Introduced all the dogs to me
Some were giddy
Some were shaking with fear
Which broke my heart
Some had tried to climb out 
Some tried to eat me
But that's ok
I understand that some of them are not happy well adjusted dogs
But most of them just wanted attention
And I hope that I can do that

After the tour 
I went back to the office to thank them
The owner told me that I can ring them the day before I want to go down
Which is great 
As then it can be a different day each week if need be
All in all I am so looking forward to starting 
And all being well
I will start next week

Right
Must dash 
As have an appointment with Mary 
See you on the next post ...

Wednesday 2 September 2015

Been there, done that, bought the blogger t-shirt

I was in town today
Meeting a friend from treatment for tea and coffee
Afterwards 
I was having a browse through the shops
When I spyed this t-shirt in Penneys
I'm actually sorry now that I didn't buy more to send to you ladies if you wanted one
If you would like one 
Do let me know
And I'll do my best to get you one

Anyway
Here it is....