Sunday 20 September 2015

Summer 2015

I I was looking back over photos of the past summer
And I thought I would share some of them with you
You have probably seen them before 
But it's nice to look back and remember
Here goes....



Darkness to Light walk May

I break the stigma campaign for Healthline

New glasses June

Queen Maeve's trail

Shells cafe

Heading to the theatre


The Blues sisters

Our for dinner in Derry

Mocktails in Belfast


View from Stormont

Cuddles

Hanging out in Bundoran

Mums retirement



On the road

Ouch!!!





Happy Birthday!




Saturday 19 September 2015

Dealing with comments

One of the most difficult aspects of recovery
Right from very early recovery
Is dealing with comments about your weight/shape or appearance from others 
And sometimes 
We might not even be in recovery when we get these comments
And that makes it even more difficult
I can only speak for myself 
But from talking to others 
And reading your blogs
It seems it's a universal problem for us ED girls

I've been dealing with these comments for years
As my weight yo-yoed up and down 
I can remember being devastated after someone told me I looked well
Or had a complete meltdown after a comment about how I looked
I can remember about this time last year
Someone commented that I had 'filled out'
I had to take some really deep breathes after that one
 Other comments range from
'You look really well'
'You look great'
'You've really improved'
'You have gained weight'
And on and on

The thing is 
That I know that people want to acknowledge that we are in a better place
They want to acknowledge that we look better
But the thing is
We might not be in a better place
We might have gained weight because we are binge eating
We might be still purging 
And even if we are in recovery 
It's dodgy territory
As I know up until recently 
When someone told me that I looked well
I immediately equated that in my head to
'You've gained weight'
The words no self respecting anorectic or bulimic ever wants to hear
Hearing those words when you are in a fragile state of mind 
Can really upset us
And send us straight back in to arms of our ED

In my family 
My Mother warned everyone years ago
Not to comment on my weight or appearance
So my family is well trained 
Instead they would compliment my hair
Or my outfit
Or make up
Which is much easier to take
For us ED girls
Weight is a very private
Very personal matter
We don't appreciate comments about the one thing we hang our self worth on
We take such comments to heart
Although I know people don't understand  how destructive these comments can be 
Mary was a great example
Over the years that I saw her
She never once commented on my weight or appearance
And I remember her telling me that she never comments on anyone's weight
Whether they have an ED or not
I like that philosophy 
Because you just never know how someone is going to take such a comment

My neighbour called over a couple of days ago
A man in his fifties I would say 
He asked about my health
I said I was in good form 
He said that I was looking 'exceptionally well'
This could have been cause for a complete meltdown 
But I was able to rationalise it in my head
These people were used to looking at me  very underweight
And now I look different
I look healthy 
Well 
My hair is thick and shiny
My skin has a glow
My teeth have been improved beyond recognition
I now take a bit of time and care with my appearance 
So I guess it's a combination of all these things 
Not just my weight

As well as weight
Recovery changes a lot more about us
I look back at photos of me when I was ill
I have a haunted look about me
Dead in the eyes 
Pale
Gaunt
Now that I am feeding myself 
And looking after myself better
There is a light back in my eyes 
It's like I've been switched on
When I was switched off for so long 

Another reason why I don't like to focus on weight
Is the whole fat and skinny shaming thing
If you are in the UK
You have probably heard about all the flack that Cheryl Cole is getting over her weight
People are saying that she is too skinny
And she is really being harassed 
Cheryl has hit back
Saying that she has been under a lot of stress lately
And also that it's not ok to skinny shame someone
That it's just as bad as fat shaming someone 
I agree with Cheryl 
Focusing and commenting on someone's weight is never a good thing
I'm sure you've all seen the celebrity magazines 
Where they discuss who has lost or gained weight 
The photos of people who have lost weight
Or those who have gained weight
Or have cellulite 
Or an extra bit of fat
It's outrageous that these magazines can do this 
And get away with it
Shaming someone's body is how eating disorders are born and reinforced 

At the moment 
I have made a kind of peace with the comments that I get about my weight and appearance 
I can now say thank you for the compliment 
And don't file it away in my brain
To take out and berate myself with later on
I think part of the reason that I am playing around with my look at the moment 
Is that I don't want to define myself by my weight anymore
I don't want to be known as the 'underweight girl'
Or the 'sick one'
I don't even want to be known as the 'girl in recovery'
I don't want to be defined by anything that pertains to my weight 
I am now the girl who is living her life in the best way that she knows how
I am the girl who likes to look a bit different 
The girl who is a MaMa to two beautiful dogs 
The girl who fights every single day to be a better person than the day before 
The girl who despite what her body looks like
Is a good person
I don't want my weight to be tied to my self worth and my self esteem any more
Because for so long I measured my worth in pounds and ounces 
I starved 
Binged 
And purged my way through my twenties 
I am determined that my thirties won't be like that 

Recovery can not happen without weight restoration 
If we want to get well
We have to accept the fact that part of getting well is regaining weight to a healthy range
For me 
My weight re-gain was quite traumatic 
As it happened incredibly quickly
Faster than my mind could make sense of it
Before I knew it 
I was a healthy weight 
In an ideal world
I would have gained it slowly and steadily 
But like a lot of things in my life
It happened almost in spite of myself
Right now
My weight is one of the highest numbers I have ever seen 
But for some reason
I am ok with that 
I'm ok with being healthy 
Because the pros of it out weigh the cons by a hell of a lot
With a healthy body comes a healthy mind 
A clear mind 
I'm not willing to sacrifice my sanity for a low weight any more

I can remember being in treatment 
Obviously I was encouraged by staff and my family to gain weight
At a rate of 1kg a week
But I just couldn't get my head around this 
Weight gain was a fate worse than death in my mind 
I just couldn't do it
Couldn't even consider it 
But now
Now than I have come out the other side 
I have to tell you that it's one of the best things I have ever done 
I swear I didn't realise how shitty I felt until I started to feel better 
I had become so used to feeling awful
That it had become normal
Now I know what it feels like to truly feel good
  I can only hope that my experience will go some way to helping others
To helping you my beautiful blogging friends
It's all very well your doctor 
Or your family telling you that weight restoration is essential
But when someone who has been there tells you 
It holds more weight I think
Because that person has been there
Experienced it
And lived it

As I have often said 
As quickly as things can go belly up
They can also turn around just as quickly 
In AA they say that if you follow the programme 
You will be amazed before you are halfway through 
That you will know a new kind of peace 
As well as the 12 steps 
There are also 12 promises 
Things that are guaranteed to happen if you stay clean and sober 
And work the programme 
Things like 
You will now know how to handle situations that used to baffle you 
For me 
Recovery has enriched my life beyond words
My life has changed beyond recognition 
And I am eternally grateful for that 
I just want youth know that it is possible for you too 
It's right there 
You just have to reach out and grab it
In the rooms 
They say that the first times you embark on recovery it is a gift
The second time you work for it
For me
This has been true 
But no matter how many times I slipped or relapsed 
My recovery was always there 
It will always  be there 
Always

Please remember that it is never too late
Never 
You can do this 
Heck if I can get well 
Then anyone can 
And you deserve it
God knows we have suffered enough
And if you don't believe in yourself 
Let us believe in you until you do
Your life is too precious to waste on this cruel illness 
You are worth much much more 
I promise you that 

Thursday 17 September 2015

Style #1

So I've been living with my new hair cut for about 24 hours now
The initial shock of seeing my head shaved has worn off 
And my new hair is growing on me
Literally 
I think I like it though
I am just getting used to it
And playing with different styles
And you guys
It is so much fun!
This is the look that I've always wanted 
But just didn't have the confidence or courage to do
I guess for the longest time I've been Ruby the patient
The sick one
And I couldn't see beyond that 
Now I know that I am much more than Ruby the anorectic 
Or Ruby the addict
Now I am Ruby the dog sitter 
Ruby the volunteer
Ruby the girl with the pierced nose and shaved head
Ruby the girl who is so much more than her illness 

As I said in some of my comments
I feel like a teenager
Experimenting 
Finding out who I am 
What I like
What I want to look like 
And I love it!
I know my mother is horrified with my new look 
But isn't that the way that the world works?
The older generation gasp at the younger one?
Yes
That's exactly the way it should be
I would be worried if my mother really liked my look
I sent a photo to my Dad last night 
He sent back a text 'very nice Ruby' 
Ha!
I'm pretty sure he very nearly had a heart attack when he saw it

Anyway
Here is today's style 
Will I ever get tired of putting my hair in a bun?
I don't think so.....








Wednesday 16 September 2015

New Do!

As you may know
I wanted to get my hair done
In either an under cut
Or half shaved
I decided to go with the half shave in the end 
I was so excited to go to the hairdressers today
My sister thought it was a great idea
But my poor Mother was horrified 
My appointment was at 11am
And I just couldn't wait
I decided to get a few inches off my hair also
So the hairdresser did that first 
And then shaved the side of my head
First with a number 2 blade
And then with a number 1 
As I thought it could be shorter
I'm still getting used to it
And the different ways I can wear my hair
But I think I like it

Anyway 
Here are the photos....



From the front








Tuesday 15 September 2015

The Haircut: You decide

As you know
Lately I have been experimenting with my look
I've had my nose pierced
I'm now wearing glasses
I'm thinking of getting a tattoo
And next for a change
Is my hair

I have made an appointment to get my hair done tomorrow morning
And I have two styles that I am thinking of getting done
Here is where I need your help
The first style is the under cut
Ala Rita Ora

 Image result for under cut rita ora#

I told my Dad that I am thinking of getting this done
And he said I was in the 'wrong age bracket'
But I really don't care if I am the wrong age
Or even if its passe
I still want to get it done

The other style is similar
The half shaved head
Like this









Image result for half shaved hairstyles

 So I'm wondering what you guys think
Have you ever had either of these styles?
Which do you think  would suit me better?
 And please do tell me if you think I have lost my mind
I'm a big girl
I can handle it

Its just that I so sick of my hair right now
I have two styles that I rotate
Hair up in a bun
Or down and straightened
It just doesn't go with who I am any more
You know?

Anyway
Let me know your thoughts
I am waiting with baited breath........

Blogging and a bit of honesty

It's    been over three years now since I first started writing this blog
It has been one of the better decisions I have made in recent times
From the start 
My blog has been a life line 
A strong support 
It has saved my life 
And my sanity many times
Often my blog is the one place that I am entirely honest
And with that in mind 
I need to make a confession
So here goes

First I should say 
That recovery is about progress not perfection
But lately I've been feeling like a fraud in regards to my drug addiction
With my ED 
I think I can safely say that I am in recovery
I am weight restored 
My thinking and behaviours are markedly improved 
Yes I do still purge the odd time 
But it's not a daily occurrence any more
When it used to be up to 15 times a day
So I think I'm about as good as I'm
Going to get in that regard 
But my addiction
Well that is kind of a grey area at the moment 
It's true
I'm not using heroin
Or any illegal drug
But I am on quite a hefty amount of prescription medication
Including methadone 
And various others
And people 
I have to confess
That I am not taking them properly 
In fact I don't think I have ever taken them properly
I take them to suit myself 
If I have a busy day 
I won't take any
And if I have I quiet day
I will overuse them
To escape
To get out of my own head 
To check off the planet for a while
To zone out 
I plan it do I will only go one day without meds
And the rest of the days are spent drifting in and out of sleep
I know 
It's not good
If I was braver I would talk to my doctor
Or to Breda 
But I'm not at that point yet
Because the thing is
My drugs are handed to me every week
They are legal 
The are meant for me
I'm supposed to take them
So where is the problem?
I know myself that this is not good 
It's almost as good as using 
As I am taking 
And abusing mild altering drugs

I really need to get my s**t together though
Because on Tuesday 
I am travelling to Turkey with my family
So I really don't want to sleep my way through that week
The thing is though 
That even when I take my meds properly  
They still make me groggy 
When I was in Belfast during the summer
I really struggled to stay awake
And missed out on a lot 
So on this holiday
I am determined to be alert and bright 

Obviously I can't not take the methadone I need that one 
But I can pare back the other meds 
The olanzapine
And the anti depressants
So I think I will take them PRN
When and if I need them

So yes
On Tuesday we travel to Turkey 
I am excited 
But also worried
As it will be hot there 
And I will be getting my arms and legs out
This is why I've been tanning 
So I feel a little bit better bareing all
This is where I need your help 

Have any of you gone on holiday this year?
Either while actively in your ED
Or in recovery
How did you manage?
What got you through?
Do you have any tips for me?
I really need help with this one...

Monday 14 September 2015

The other anorexic...

You may remember over the years
My mentioning another girl in my area who is also anorexic
I used to meet her when I was walking my dogs
She would be pounding the pavement
Like a speed walker
And she seemed to walk all day
As any time I went walking
I met her
She was incredibly thin
With stick like arms and legs 
I don't know how she had the energy to walk so fast and so far
I guess she was like me
Running off of the fumes of the little food we allowed ourselves
And when we passed each other
We would whisper a timid hi
I recognised her straight away as a fellow anorectic the first time I saw her
You know the way you just know when you meet someone just like you
It was then that I realised that I wasn't the only anorectic in the village

As with a lot of eating disordered people 
It's hard to gage this woman's age
As her body was so childlike
Yet her face was that of someone in their mid to late forties
I have photos of me looking the same way
Having the body of a male child 
But the face of a mature woman 
It's a strange combination
And maybe one of the reasons that we recognised each other

I asked around about this girl 
I found out her name 
And that her sister died from anorexia a while back
She doesn't seem to work 
But drives a nice car
And always presents herself very well
I get the impression that she is an A typical anorexic
Shy 
Introverted 
A perfectionist 
She had all the ingredients to make up a recipe for disaster ED wise

I've met this girl quite a bit over the years
But have never said more than hello to her
But still
I felt we had a strange connection
They neither of us had to say anything 
Because we both felt each other's pain
And of course
I used to compare myself to this girl
Wondering if I was as thin as her
I'm sure she was thinking the same looking at me

I also often used to meet her in the supermarket
Which was mortifying 
As she would be buying things like bananas and lettuce
And I would have a basket full of binge food 
I wondered if she binged 
If she ever lost control completely 
Like I did almost every day
Sometimes I had a huge urge to speak to this girl
To run up to her
And give her a huge hug
And tell her that I understood her pain
That she could talk to me if she wanted
That I could be a friend to her
But of course I never did
I wish I had though

Over the last year
I have noticed that this girl hasn't been around much
I haven't met her walking in ages
And I was wondering what happened to her
I was hoping that she had got well
And found recovery 
But I really feared for her and her safety 
In the last couple of months
I have met this girl a couple of times shopping 
And I am delighted to report that she looks so much better
She has gained weight 
Not a lot
But enough so that she has life in her eyes again 
And a spring in her step 
I was so happy to see her in a better place 
It warms my heart 
And gives me hope

I was in the doctors this morning
I had just finished 
And was a walking out the surgery door
When I came face to face with this girl
She saw me
And I registered surprise in her face
She held the door for me
I said hello
And thanked her 
But for that split second 
Looking in to each other's eyes
I felt like we almost had a conversation
We saw each other looking
And feeling so much better
I even felt proud of this girl
For taking her life back
And for standing up to this cruel illness

Now that I am on the mend 
And tentatively venture in to recovery 
I feel a huge urge and obligation to let others know that recovery is possible 
I feel it's my duty to spread the word that you can and will get better
Mary asked me last week 
If I could go back and tell my ill self something
What would it be
I didn't have to think long about this
I would tell myself to go for recovery
That I had nothing to lose
And everything to gain 
Not to waste another year, month, week, day on this illness 
To take that leap of faith
I wouldn't regret it

Now I feel like I should let others know the huge benefits of embarking on recovery 
In the midst of an ED
It's so hard to see a way out 
To see beyond the ED
Which is why weight restoration is vital in recovery 
You literally can't think straight until your brain and body is fed
I can't even explain to you
How much better I feel now that I am weight restored 
I can think straight 
I have more strength and capability 
The difference is night and day 

But of course 
As the saying goes 
You can take a horse to water 
But you can't make it drink
It's the same with recovery 
From any addiction or illness
You can't change until you are ready 
Denial is a powerful thing
And people can go their whole lives without acknowledging that there is a problem
No one can do it for you
As I have often said 
If love and support could have got me well
Then I would have recovered a long time ago
But you can't force it
It happens only when we are ready

I am just so happy that this girl seems to be getting well 
And I would still love to talk to her 
But maybe that would be inappropriate 
I'm not quite sure
I think recovery often happens when people reach their thirties
At this age
A lot of people have been suffering for over a decade 
Usually people are worn down
And sick and tired of feeling sick and tired
I know I had more energy in my twenties 
I had the resilience to bounce back and keep going 
But now
I just don't have the energy or the inclination to maintain an ED or an addiction
I'm just too old for that s**t

The point of this post
Is to let you know that recovery is possible 
No matter how low you go
Or how hard you fall 
Recovery is there for each and every one of us 
We just have to reach out and grab it
My friend the walker
I'm sure her quality of life has dramatically improved  
And I wish her every health and happiness 
God knows she deserves it