Monday, 7 December 2015

Monday

Just like Sunday is the day of rest
Monday is the day of the doctor
I rose while it was still dark
Stumbled to the kitchen 
Where Honey and Lea greeted me
I must have got up at some point in the night
And let them in to the kitchen 
Although I have no memory of doing so 
It's like Lea knows it's Monday morning
As she is always rearing to go
Honey was less keen to venture outside
And had to be coaxed in to the car
I drove slowly to town
As were experiencing the tail end of storm Desmond at the moment 
There is much flooding and damage done in the area 
My neighbours whole patio blew away this weekend 
We arrived at the doctors safely 
And my mum went to walk the dogs
While I went to the surgery

I was called in the minute I sat down
I was also planning to tell my doctor about my food issues at the moment 
We talked about the storm for a few minutes 
Then I broached the subject of my ED
He weighed me 
And checked his computer for my weight records 
But the only weights he had recorded was when I was really under weight
And the last weight he recorded was under 40 kilos
He obviously stopped recording my weight when I began to recover 
So he had nothing to reference from
But by my calculations 
I've lost 14 pounds since the incident with the navy jeans 
My doctor to me he would keep an eye on it 
But the was no need to worry yet
Then he said that he has a patient in treatment 
And their goal weight was the same as my current weight
Way to make me feel like my problems matter 

I then went and collected my meds in the pharmacy 
And headed back down to the surgery to see Breda 
I haven't seen her in over a month
So there was much to catch up on
I brought her up to speed on everything
My meds 
The methadone reduction 
Meetings
I also told her about my struggling with food
How the purging has increased 
And my weight headed south 
She asked me what had triggered this
And all I could think of 
Was the day I tried on my navy trousers 
And couldn't fasten them 
Breda is great
The best addiction counsellor that I've ever seen
She always has good common sense
And practical advice 
She encouraged me to ring Mary again
And maybe get some top up sessions to get me back on track
So I will give Mary a ring today
And hopefully will be able to see her this side of Christmas 
My weight is now on the very low side of healthy 
And is still dropping rapidly 
I know if I don't do something soon
That I will be I deep trouble 
I can't afford to lose any more 

Breda also asked me how I am spending my days 
I gave her an idea 
She told me that it is really important that I have an occupation
A reason to get up in the morning 
To mix with others 
And push out of my comfort zone 
She makes a lot of sense with this 
I'm really not doing a whole lot at the moment 
Outside of taking care of my dogs
And writing my blog 
Breda said thdt I am too young to be sitting at home on my laurels 
I need to get out and about 
Socialise 
Do new things
And things that I enjoy 
She is really on the ball in this regard 
My life is very limited at the moment
I dont see a lot of people outside of my family 
I also don't go out a whole lot
And when I do
I am always anxious to get home
Breda also asked about meetings 
And if I was attending 
Unfortunately 
I haven't been going 
Breda said that all I have to do is go once or twice a week
And I don't have to speak if I don't want to
And I guess I don't 
Knowing that I don't have to speak does lessen the anxiety 
So I hope to go back soon

As for me 
 I'm trying desperately to hang on to my recovery 
What's left of it 
Every day it's a battle
But it's one thdt I refuse to lose 

Sunday, 6 December 2015

What's happening to blogger?

I'm worried
Blogger seems to be falling apart 
Breaking down 
Coming apart at the seams
Very few of us are posting these days
And those that are posting are struggling massively
Every day it seems another person drops off the face of the blogosphere 
I remember a couple of years ago 
There was a thriving community
Now
It seems there are very few of us left
I hope the ones who left 
Have left for a better life 
That they don't need this community anymore 
Because they are getting on with their lives
The reality is some will have recovered
Some will be living somewhere between the disorder and recovery
And some won't recover
And will possibly die 
It's a stark reminder that this illness is not a fad
Or a phase 
Or a diet 
It's a deadly mental illness that destroys lives 
If these ladies did go to find recovery
Then I am very glad 
I would rather have a quiet blogosphere
Than a blogosphere full of very ill people 
I wish them every health and happiness
And hope they find a life beyond ED
Christmas is a tough time
We need to stick together 
Support each other 
Look out for each other 
Our community is dwindling 
And we need to look after the ones who are left 

As for me 
I'm doing ok 
Slowly trying to claw back the ground I lost 
I'm still weighing which is a problem
I know I do a lot better when I avoid the scales
For a while there
The only thing in the day I looked forward to was standing on the scales in the morning
How sad is that?
Apologies for the short posts these days 
I don't want to go on and on about how I'm struggling 
I'm hoping that soon 
I will be back on track 
And back to myself 
Living my life 
Volunteering 
Going on dates 
Spending time with friends
All that good stuff 
Thank you for staying with me
I appreciate it more than you know 


Saturday, 5 December 2015

The build up to the season....

We are having a quiet family Christmas this year
The only person coming for dinner is my elderly neighbour
And I doubt she will stay very long
I thank my lucky stars, God and whoever else made this happen 
As I just couldn't cope with a big deal this Christmas
There will be seven of us 
All of whom are aware of my situation and will cut me some slack if I need it

I have nothing done for Christmas
Not one present bought
We are supposed to be putting up the decorations today 
But I would rather eat my own food 
This is not a good sign 
As I am usually chief decorator 
I just can't seem to summon the energy or the inclination 
But as ever 
I will put on a brave face 
And do my best to get in to the Christmas spirit 
Which reminds me
I must do a Christmas survival kit post soon 

In other new 
The bingeing and purging seems to have ceased 
Praise the Lord!
As I was beginning to lose the will to live over here 
It really is truly horrid to be stuck in the binge purge cycle 
The feeling of being wildly out of control
Of not being able to stop 
The relentless march from the kitchen to the bathroom 
The constant shopping and the waste of money on good food 
It's all just a nightmare 
I had been going since I was in Cork
There is something about being in someone else's house 
That makes me feel so out of control
And I feel I have to eat all the time
When I got home
I spent another three days on the merry-go-round 
And then yesterday 
All of a sudden 
It stopped in its tracks
I dont know how or why 
Maybe I was burnt out 
Maybe my body had had enough 
Whatever the reason
I'm just glad it's over 
For now

I feel like a complete fraud at the moment 
A fraud in recovery 
A fraud being clean and sober
A fraud in life
But then again
I am also conscious not to be too hard on myself 
Because I know that's food for the disorder
And that's the last thing I need

As I mentioned yesterday 
I am now the weight that I wanted to get to
Which is the weight I was before ED
And was also my goal weight when I was in hospital 
Which puts me at a BMI of almost 20
So
Now that I've lost weight
Do I feel any happier?
Any better?
Am I now thin and pretty?
Has my life improved in any great way?
Am I more popular?
More successful?
Does weight loss make me a better person?
Well I can categorically answer no to all those questions
In reality 
The only thing that has changed 
Is that I take up less space
And what good is that?
The only other side effects I have experienced are dizziness, nausea, seeing stars and lightheadedness
I think back to a few weeks ago
When I was about 7 kilos heavier 
I was doing ok
I wasn't unhappy 
Ok some days i struggled with body image
But I was getting on with my life 
I wasn't weighing myself 
And I felt pretty good
I know that I need to let go of the reigns
The control
And let my body be
Stop trying to mould myself in to what society deems beautiful
I had reached a point where i liked  the curvy look more than the skinny look
I look at Cheryl Cole on the TV every week 
Her ever shrinking frame
Her hollow cheek bones
Her eyes huge in her head
And I feel nothing but sorry for her
She is not to be coveted or envied 
She is to be pitied
I was even beginning to like my thighs
Which I've always hated
Yet
I let my mind play tricks on me
I went back to thinking that skinny was the way to go
But it doesn't suit me
It never has
I just look pale and wan and ill

So
This is me 
I am struggling 
Even though logically and rationally I know what I am doing is not good
It's still so very hard to stop
And the time of year doesn't help either
But as ever
And like all the ladies here on blogger
I will keep fighing
Keep hoping 
And most of all 
Keep believing.....




Friday, 4 December 2015

Untitled

Apologies
I know I haven't  been great at replying to emails or comments recently
And I know some of you are worried 
I am ok
Or at least I will be
I just feel so stupid
So silly that I thought I could lose a few pounds and leave it at that 
I'm now at the weight I wanted to be
But is it the weight my body wants to be?
I'm not so sure
I almost feel like I've been duped
Or tricked by my ED
By my own mind 
She tempted me with the usual false promises 
That I will be happier
Thinner
Prettier 
More successful 
If i just lost a few pounds 
What really gets me is that I fell for it
I didn't even see it coming 
I really thought that I was in control
I mean honestly 
I am/was in early recovery 
How could I have possibly thought that losing weight was a good idea
But at the same time
I don't want to give myself too hard a time
Because that can feed in to the disorder too
I know I need to regroup
Refocus 
Learn from this Mistake 
And get back on track

I've been on my own for the last few days 
And it's been utter bedlam 
My dogs look at me going from to bathroom 
They sense that I'm not fully present
Because I'm not 
I'm all over the shop
My thinking 
My behaviours 
My mood 
Anxiety 
And I feel like utter horse shit
I'm dizzy 
I'm lethargic 
My body feels like it's taken a beating 
Probably because it has 

I haven't heard from Mary yet 
I'm sure she's busy 
But I hope I hear from her soon 
I can't go on like this 
It will kill me 
I know it will

I really appreciate all of you who have left comments, texts and emails
Thank you 
And you make so much sense
I know I am fighting against what my body wants and needs 
Maybe I am meant to be a little bigger than this 
What is wrong with that?
It seems that is fine for others 
But not for me 
I hold myself to a different standard 
I need to stop doing that 

So 
I  am ok
I'm here 
Still fighting 
And not giving up....



Wednesday, 2 December 2015

Another year over...

I can't believe it's December already
I can remember last Christmas like it was yesterday
Time is going too fast for my liking 
The past couple of days have been really tough 
The toughest I've had in more than a year
My bingeing and purging is spinning wildly out of control 
It's beginning to frighten me
As I can't seem to stop
Rewind to May 2014 
I was purging up to twenty times a day
And following a half hearted overdose
I was started on Prozac
It really helped me get my food issues under control 
And evened me out 
But lately 
My life has been one huge binge, purge session 
I think back to how I let this slip
I remember the navy trousers
And wanting to fit back in to them
I wanted to lose a few pounds
I had no intention of becoming underweight again
I just wanted to be a size where I felt comfortable
So I cut out chocolate 
And tried to eat mindfully 
However 
My brain seemed to go straight to ED mode
And the purging began to increase
Fast forward three weeks later
The navy trousers now fit
And are even a bit big 
I've lost more than a few pounds   
But the purging persists 
And I am Losing the will to live 

I spoke to Breda today
And will be seeing her Monday
I also texted Mary today
And hopefully she will get back to me
It's time to call in the troops
Batten down the hatches 
And prepare for a fight 
The time of year doesn't help either
Already there is so much food around 
And it's hard to resist 
I would just love to see Mary
If only to do out a meal plan
And see where I am going wrong 
Yesterday was horrendous 
I was literally going around in circles 
From the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom
I have a path worn
It's crazy 
Mindless eating
Just stuffing it in to me
Only to bring it back up seconds later 
For me
There is a lot of shame attached to these behaviours
Guilt
And embarrassment 
I mean who wants to admit that they spent half the day with their head in the toilet bowl
I also feel greedy 
Let me give you an example 
A few days ago 
I made dinner for my sister, my parents and I 
Beef goulash 
After we all had some
There was about two portions left
Which I planned to have when everyone went to bed 
Then unexpectedly 
My other sister and my nephew called down
As the power had gone in their house
Out of politeness 
I asked them if they wanted some dinner 
Secretly hoping they would say no
Which they did 
But my mother insisted that they have some
I got really annoyed that therewould be none left for me
And had to leave the room in fear that I would throw tantrum in front of everyone
This is one example of how irrational my ED
I would rather have eaten and purged two portions of the stew
Rather than give them to my sister and nephew who were probably starving 
That right there 
Is insanity

I'm on my own for a couple of days
It's nice to have some time to myself 
But it also means that my ED can run riot 
I swear guys
I just don't have the energy for this anymore
I'm exhausted 
And the thought of another day bingeing and purging is enough to send me bat shit crazy
I know I'm going to have to talk to my doctor too
To check my bloods
And just to let him know what is happening 
I really thought that I had left these days behind me
Apparently not 
And I mean really
What is the point of losing a few pounds 
If you have to puke your guts up to get there 

I don't know guys
It's a difficult time of year 
Especially if you are trying to remain in recovery
Or trying to stay clean and sober and smoke free
It's not called the silly season for nothing
Thankfully
We are having a quiet family Christmas this year
With only my neighbour joining us for dinner
I don't think I could handle any more than that 

With all that said
I was wondering about you
How do you deal with slips/relapses?
What do you find helps to get you back on track?
Do you have any advice for me?
All responses welcome....

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

Home sweet Home....

For me
The best thing about going away
Is coming home
After a long journey yesterday
We arrive home at about 7pm
Honey and Lea had a huge welcome for me
And I sat on the floor with them for a while
My Dad stayed with them for the weekend
They absolutely love him
And just fling themselves at him when they see him
When I know he is on the way
I say to the dogs
'Whose come to see you?'
I don't think they know what the words mean
But my tone of voice lets them know thdt something exciting is about to happen
I then unpacked my case 
Changed in to a comfortable pair of pyjamas 
Made a cup of tea 
And curled up on the couch for the evening 

I also weighed myself this morning
I gained a grand total of one pound over the last few days 
But seriously 
I need to do something about the food situation at the moment
I'm back in the cycle of eat, purge, eat, purge...
I can't even say I am bingeing
As the amount I am eating does not constitute a binge
But to all intents and purposes 
It feels very much like a binge
Craving the food the way I used to crave heroin
The mindless, out of control eating
And then purging it all out
I read recently about the difference between emotional hunger and physical hunger
Apparently 
With physical hunger
Almost anything will fill that hole
Any type of food will satisfy the craving 
But with emotional hunger 
It is a lot more acute 
You crave a certain item of food
And only that food will do
Usually it's a high fat, high sugar or carbohydrate type food
I know I crave strong flavours
Sour and salt and tangy
I never find I crave lettuce or cucumber
It's always bread, crisps and chocolate 
Of course 

I am struggling though
My purging has increased a lot in the past couple of weeks 
And it's effecting everything
I can't enjoy my food
As I know what wil happen once I have eaten 
I know I will have to excuse myself to the nearest bathroom after I eat
I will have to check out the toilets cubicles 
Or maybe use the disabled bathroom if there is no one around 
As it has its own little room
So no one would see or hear anything
 More often than not 
The toilets are little cubicles in cafes and restaurants 
With only a thin sheet of wood separating them
But still
It's not nice having to do that 
At least at home there is a level of privacy and comfort 

I know how this game goes though
I start weighing obsessively 
Purging more and more
Buying specific binge food 
And having marathon eat , purge sessions 
I saw my doctor this morning 
But didn't take the opportunity to speak to him
Instead 
I will contact Mary
And ask for a couple of sessions 
I believe I can get back on track with a little help and support

I hope I haven't disappointed you 
I will keep fighting for a better life
I'm not going to give up
That's just not my style...

Monday, 30 November 2015

Heading Home

It's Monday morning
Usually I would be at the doctors around this time
But today is different
Today I am on a train from Cork bound for Dublin
It's easier to go to Dublin first 
Then over to the west and my home town
The first train takes two hours forty minutes
Then we get a tram to Connolly train station
Where we board another train that takes three hours
After that there is a thirty minute car ride to our house
So all in all
It's a bit of a marathon of a journey
But then
I don't tend to be conscious for most of it
It's an enjoyable trip though
As we are on trains so we can drink tea and stretch our legs and use the bathroom if we need to 
Hopefully 
All going well
We should be home at about 7pm

Food for me has been really difficult this weekend 
From the moment we arrived until the moment we left 
I have been thinking about food
I guess because I am in someone else's house
I feel a bit out of control 
The foods I like to eat are not there
So I have to go to the shops and stock up
At the moment I am eating a lot of pickles
I always crave pickles when I am not feeling great physically 
I literally drink the vinegar from the jar
And the strong, tangy, sour flavour hits the spot every time
So we had to go through about four shops to find the pickles 
And the thing is 
Nothing else will do
It has to be pickles
Not gherkins 
Not spring onions 
Mixed pickles

It started on Friday when we arrived
My sisters partner had a lovely homely beef stew and mash ready for us
Perfect for a chilly winter evening 
I demolished a big bowl full
But I knew before I even started to eat
That it wouldn't stay down
I washed it all down with fizzy 7up
And excused myself to the bathroom
The house was small
Two bedrooms
And one bathroom
As I was sharing the facilities 
I needed to be quick, quiet and very clean and tidy
This started off a whole four days of eat, purge, eat, purge......
I was literally eating every few minutes
And purging just as much 
Over the weekend 
We ate out a couple of times
This is a nightmare 
Purging in public bathrooms is not an easy task 
But 
Over the years I have found ways and means of doing it
It's amazing how you never forget that stuff

As you can tell 
My purging had increased of late
It's becoming a problem again
And my body feels every bit of it 
I feel weary 
Stiff 
And sore 
I hate purging 
But I feel utterly compelled to do it
And now it seem to have set off some kind of chain reaction with eating and purging 
I literally couldn't stop eating 
And in turn purging 
I couldn't sit still on the couch
Every few minutes I would be up eating something else
It's complete obsessive behaviour
My mum has already said it to me
And I want to stop
But I feel so out of control its scary
Now I am going home 
I need to get back on track again
I think I am going to ring Mary 
And ask her for a couple of top up sessions 
I really could do with the extra support right about now

I had no scales this weekend either
Which drove me slightly batty
In my head I have gained ten pounds 
There's another problem right there 
The scales 
I really need to end that relationship once and for all
I want to be set free 
But in all reality
I know the first thing o do when I get home is to weigh myself 
This is all so horribly familiar
I've been here before 
Falling off the wagon
My ED is a slippery little sucker 
And my behaviours are snow balling at a rapid pace 
But still 
I kid myself in to thinking that I am ok 
Because I am not yet underweight 
When I know better 
I know that is complete horse shit
It doesn't matter how much you weigh
It's the behaviours
The actions 
More so than the number on the scale 
God can I spiel this stuff out
But applying it to myself is so difficult 

Anyway 
I'm looking forward to getting home
To see Honey and Lea
Who I hear have been very afraid of the storm that hit this weekend 
Thunder drives them nuts!
It's lovely to go away
But it's even lovlier to come home
I can't wait to close the door
Put a fire on 
Change in to my pyjamas 
Make a cup of tea 
And cosy up on the couch
See you on the next post.....