Thursday, 7 January 2016

Thursday 7 January

I'm just back from seeing Mary
Which was such a relief to see her 
I was early for my appointment
And had just sat down in the waiting room
When she popped her head around the corner 
We got straight down to business
And she asked how I am doing 
With my words in a jumble
Trying to make sense
I told her about struggling recently 
Losing weight
Losing my mind 
My mood dipping
My purging increased 
She said that in all likelihood 
My mood dropping 
And purging more are connected 
As if I'm purging more
Then I'm not getting the benefit of my meds 
It then becomes a viscous circle 
Of one feeding the other 

We talked about what I'm doing with my days 
Which is very little these days 
And I know that's a huge problem for me
I don't have anything to fill my days 
So inevitably 
I end up getting myself in some sort of trouble 
The devil makes work for idol hands and all that 
We talked about the support groups 
And how they help me when I go 
We made a list of things for me to do 
Before I see her next week
Which includes a meal plan
Shopping list 
Check out the local writing group
The Womens centre 
And possibly part time work 
For the first time in a long time 
I actually feel motivated
To get back on track 
To realise my potential
As Mary said 
It's a big wide world out there 
And it's there for me to explore 

I had gone so low recently 
That everything seemed like an effort 
I spent my days at home
And if I did go out 
I was always anxious to get home 
Now that I've spoken to Mary
I feel a bit clearer in my mind what I need to do
Sometimes that's all it takes
For someone else to gently guide you in the right direction
Everyone is always telling me that I have great potential 
And that's all very well
But what does that mean?
That I could do something wonderful
My confidence has taken a battering recently 
And I'm feeling quite raw emotionally
The thought of putting myself out there is very scary 
But I know 
If I could just take the first step
Then the rest will be easier 

Myself and Mary write down all my homework 
She wished me a happy new year
And gave me a big hug before I left 
Which was lovely 
I'll be seeing her once a week for the next few weeks 
And you know what?
I think I can do it 
I think I can get back on track 
Living in the midst of an ED
Is nothing short of miserable, lonely and utterly soul destroying 
I'm not willing to live my life like that 
The last eight weeks
Of being back in ED mode
Have shown me that nothing has changed 
Anorexia/bulimia are their same old selves 
I don't want to deal with that any more 
I have a life to live

Before I left 
Mary asked me about weighing
I told her I was weighing every day
She told me in no uncertain terms 
That I needed to stop
And that she will weigh me once a week
I can't lie 
That's going to be tough 
Weighing is the one thing recently that was feeding my self worth
Now I need to find other ways to maintain it 
Other ways to feel good about myself
In short 
I need to carve out a life for myself 
A routine 
An occupation 
A reason to get up in the morning
Because right now
Apart from my dogs
It's difficult to find a reason to keep going 

I've got to do this
I've just got to 
There is no other option anymore 
I hope I can do it
I think I can do it 
With my families help
The professionals help
And with your help 
I just might have a fighting chance 
The one thing I take out of these situations 
Is the learning 
Something I will improve on the next time 
I mean
I'm not asking for much 
I just want a simple life
A roof over my head 
Food in my fridge
Loved ones at my side 
Dogs at my feet 
A job I love 
And I think these things are achieve able 
I think they are within my grasp
It starts right now 
Having my dinner 
Keeping it down 
Doing my meal plan 
My shopping list 
That's half the battle 
I will start the hunt for things to do 
That's after my hospital appointment 
It's a brand new year 
A fresh start 
What better time to make a change 
I want this 
I need this 
Are you with me....?

Wednesday, 6 January 2016

New Dress

I bought a new dress in the sales this week
It was reduced from €75
To €30
They didn't have a size small left
So I tried on extra small
And it fit perfectly 
The thing is though
I don't know how long it will fit me for
As my weight fluctuates so much
It really yo-yo's up and down at an alarming rate 
For this reason
I have clothes in every size known to woman 
From size zero to size twelve 
I don't like to buy too many items when my weight is low 
As I don't hope to be at that weight for very long
But still 
I do need to wear clothes when I'm at that size

Here it is....

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Tuesday 5 January

I'm posting later than usual today
As I decided to wait to see my psychiatrist before I posted 
It was a long day waiting around for my afternoon appointment
I walked the dogs
Made dinner
And generally pottered around until it was time to go
I arrived at the building 
And parked in the tiny car park in the back
There was a guy smoking just as I got out of my car 
What I wouldn't have done for a cigarette right then
I continued in to the building
Which used to be a family home
But the health board have taken it over
So the waiting room is actually the kitchen
I took a seat
There were a few people already in there
I figured I was in for a wait 
So I took a magazine
And settled in a chair
It was very busy 
A constant stream of people in and out
I was hoping to see my doctor himself
And not one of his team
Because he knows me
So I was glad when he popped his head around the corner
And called me in to a little room

I don't think I mentioned
That I spoke to Mary yesterday 
And asked if I could see her 
She said that was no problem 
I just had to say it to my psychiatrist 
He started off by saying 
That Mary had emailed him
Which I was glad of 
That's Mary all over
So reliable and dependable 
So my psych had an idea of what was happening for me
He asked about weight loss
My mood 
My sleep
I told him that I am enduring life
Rather than enjoying it
He said that it sounds like I am depressed
And might not be getting the benefit of my meds because of so much purging 
He then asked if anything had triggered this slip (Note: still reluctant to call it a relapse!)
I told him about the navy trousers incident
And wanting to lose a few pounds
But then couldn't stop
He said it was most likely that my mood had dropped before then 
As usually that kind of thing wouldn't bother me
I have clothes in every size under the sun
So one pair of trousers fitting 
Is not usually a big deal
And thinking about it 
My mood had dropped gradually in the last few months 
Even in Turkey I was not in great form
And my mother confirmed this 

Meds were considered 
He said that my Prozac could be increased
But he was reluctant to do that until I had spoken to Mary 
So that's an option
Hopefully I will get to see Mary next week
And she will be able to help me out things right
Because my purging is spinning out of control
And am now purging 5-10 times a day
It's no wonder I am feeling so bad
My BMI is now 18
Not clinically anorectic 
But nevertheless less 
It's still heading in the wrong direction
And because I've lost the weight so quickly
My body is suffering

Hopefully this is the start of my getting on top of things again 
I don't know why it didn't occur to me that I was depressed 
I mean
That's kind of obvious 
But again
I haven't been myself 
And sometimes you don't see how low you've gone 
Until someone else points it out

Before I finish 
I just want to thank you all for your continued support
I know it must be frustrating witnessing my slips and falls 
But as ever
You have been there 
And that means more than you know 
Thank you

Monday, 4 January 2016

Monday 4 January

This are beginning to come to a head
I've been feeling so low 
Both physically 
And mentally
I always say that the day that I don't walk my dogs 
Is a day there is something very wrong with me
Well these days myself and Lea are only going for short token walks
Bless her 
She doesn't seem to notice the difference 
And still comes back happy
As if she'd walk 5 miles
But it's like they know something is wrong
Lea is so clingy these days 
Always at my side 
Always wanting to be stroked 
Honey is also playing up
Barking like a lunatic every time I go in to the kitchen 
They are so intune 
They pick up on the smallest change in me or their routine 
I hate that I am effecting them too

I went out yesterday morning 
To pick up some food 
When I came home 
My Mam came to speak to me
And asked me if I was aware that I was stockpiling food again
To be perfectly honest
I wasn't aware
I thought I was just buying neccesities 
But thinking about it 
I am buying bags of binge food 
I am back in the binge purge cycle

Later on last night 
I broke down to my Mam
I told her how shitty I am feeling 
And how low I feel 
She told me to speak to my doctor 
She hugged me
Wiped my tears 
And in a very firm voice told me that I would get through this 
And I would be ok
I felt a little better after speaking to her
But spent the rest of the evening trying to fight back tears 
It's also hard because we have a few visitors staying 
So I'm trying to be in good form
Which as you know, is not easy to do
I know no one expects me to put on a show 
It's pressure I put on myself
I went to bed early 
And cried myself to sleep 

I woke early
In time to keep my 9am appointment 
It being the first day back after Christmas
The surgery was full of people 
I had just taken a seat 
When my name was called 
I followed my doctor in to his room
And sat for a minute while he turned his computer on
Trying to formulate lucid sentences in my head
When he asked me how I was
It poured out of me like word vomit 
Feeling so low physically 
Like I'm going to pass out all the time 
He said I looked very drawn
He took my bloods
To check my electrolytes 
Took my BP
Which was ok 
He also checked my throat 
Which was red
And my glands which were swollen
He thought I might have a virus 
But I said it was probably from the purging 
He agreed 
The dreaded scale 
He weighed me 
I've lost 5 kilos since he weighed me last month
24 pounds in the last 2 months
No wonder I am feeling so bad
My doctor told me to ring in the morning for the results of my bloods
I thanked him
And left

After collecting my meds
I went back to the surgery to see Breda 
The first thing she said to me was how I look drained and pale 
It was an effort just to be there 
To just talk 
And trying to be positive was really wiping me out
She told me to take it easy
To rest 
And look after myself 
Everyone keeps saying this to me 
But I don't know what I'm meant to be doing 
I mean I do know 
But what else should I be doing?
I'm just so tired 
My body is in bits trying to stay together 
The thing is 
And what I was saying to my mum last night 
I can't believe I have been so stupid
To think that I could have lost some weight 
And leave it at that 
Over course my ED was going to take over at some point 

The plan this week
Is to ring Mary
See my psychiatrist tomorrow
And keep my hospital appointment on Friday
Apart from that 
Build myself up again 
I haven't felt this bad in years 
I asked my mother last night
If I am ever going to get well
She replied with absolutely no hesitation or doubt 
Yes Ruby
Of course you will
I hope she is right......

Sunday, 3 January 2016


I recently wrote an article for an on line magazine called Holl and Lane
The article was published a couple of days ago
And was entitled 'Inside the mind of an addict' 
It was basically my story 
From childhood 
To now 
And everything in between 
It was a long article 
And even though it has just been published 
I wrote it and submitted it back in October
So reading it yesterday
Was like reading it for the first time
As I read through it 
Some thing suddenly struck me
And hit me like a brick to the head
Am I over sharing?
Am I telling too much about my life?
Am I leaving myself open and vulnerable?
Am I doing the wrong thing?
Is there a reason why most people don't air their dirty laundry?
After I finished reading the article
I felt utterly naked and exposed
I wanted to take the article back 
And submit a nice polished fairy story of my life 
With a neat little ending where everything turns out ok
And I marry the prince who saved me from myself 

As you know 
I don't write an awful lot about my family 
I mention my mum and sister a lot 
And my sisters depression
But I try not to write about my family too much 
In this particular article 
I wrote a little bit about growing up
And I can't write about growing up without talking about the addiction in my home
The unhappy place it was to be
And the tyrant my father was
But now I feel guilty about writing about him
Because he's not like that anymore 
He has changed 
Markedly so
I don't want to point the finger at him
And blame him for all the shit my family has been through 
But at the same time
I have to be honest 
And tell my truth
My account of my own life 

But I wonder 
Am I being too honest?
Should I really be writing so explicitly about my life?
Will it come back to haunt me in the future?
I mean 
I give a full and frank account of my life here 
And I really don't know what other way to tell my story 
I don't write anonymously 
Heck there's big ass photo of me on the front of my blog!
I don't know

With all that said
I was wondering about you
What do you think about honesty while blogging?
Do you think we should hold back and preserve our dignity?
Or are you in favour of telling all?
Inquiring minds want to know.....

Saturday, 2 January 2016

January 2 2016

After my episode yesterday while walking my dogs
I came home straight away
And promptly fell asleep on the couch for a few hours with a blanket over me
And a hot water bottle tucked in to my pyjamas 
I felt a lot better after sleeping and eating something 
I know that feeling though
The feeling I am going to pass out
When my body feels really heavy 
And me heart feels like it's fluttering in my chest
I also know that it could well be due to an electrolyte imbalance 
As this has happened before
And I was hospitalised immediately 
I will speak to my doctor on Monday 
He might do some bloods just to check everything is ok 

I know that this is probably happening because I lost a lot of weight quickly 
God help me 
I want to stop 
I truly do
But some thing in me keeps saying
Just one more pound 
Just one more 
I arrive at one goal
Only for the goal posts to be moved
And then it's on to the next one
I mean
It makes no sense 
I know where this is headed 
I know how this story ends
Yet I continue to fall head first down the rabbit hole
It's irrational 
It's illogical 
I don't understand it
I really don't 

Next week will be good though
As I am seeing Breda on Monday
My psychiatrist on Tuesday
And I have a follow up appointment in the hospital on Friday
So lots of support next week
Heck knows I need it

It just goes to show 
Not looking after yourself does catch up with you
I muddled along for years
Bingeing and purging 
I thought I was invincible 
When you are young 
You don't consider your own mortality
It feels like you are bullet proof
And for a long time 
I did get away with it
I'm getting older 
And it's harder to bounce back
The pancreatitis 
Two bouts of it 
Have really knocked the wind out of my sails 
And is living proof that my body is struggling to just be well
To function normally 
There is only so much that it can take 
Even after this most recent hospital stay
Coming home
I was all pumped to change my ways 
Eat properly 
Not purge 
Get healthy 
That lasted about two days
And I was straight back to my old ways 
I'm finding it so hard to do the right thing 
To feed my body 
Nourish it 
And look after it 
It doesn't come easily to me 
I've been he'll bent on self destruction for so long
That it has become second nature to me 
It's what I know 

On the other hand 
I have shown that I can change if I want to 
I quit drugs
Even smoking 
So I know it's within my capabilitiy to change and adapt 
It seems that food is the final frontier 
The last thing 
My one remaining vice
And it seems to me 
That food could be the trickiest of all 
At least with drugs and drink 
I could eliminate them completely from my life
I don't have to deal with them on a daily basis 
With food 
I have to navigate through it multiple times a day 
And being an all or nothing person 
That is tough for me
I either eat all the food 
Or none of the food 
And there is not a lot of leeway in between 

My aim at the moment 
Is to take it day by day 
Deal with the here and now
And not worry too much about yesterday or tomorrow 
I just feel like the fight has almost been knocked out of me 
And I am scrambling to find the courage and faith to go on 
My mental health is not good 
I'm paranoid 
My thoughts are negative and destructive 
I can't make sense of simple situations 
I'm hyper sensitive 
Reading too much in to things 
It feels like every nerve in my body is on high alert 
And is picking up every little detail in life 
It's draining 
It's exhausting 
I just want out
I can now see that I can't be underweight and healthy 
Or even happy 
3 months ago I was at a healthy BMI of 22-23
I felt good 
Whether I looked good or not didn't really come in to it
If being a healthy weight was the price I had to pay for being well and happy
Then I was will to pay it
Now my BMI is 18
Not even clinically anorectic 
I feel utterly all over the shop

I know I need some extra support right now 
And I will ring Mary again next week
I just need the help to snap out of this rut I am in 
I just need help
I know if I had that 
I could get back on track 
Back on form 
Because I'm not willing to go down the route of being severely underweight 
And worrying my whole family to death 
I'm not willing to throw my life away for the sake of a number on a scale 
I won't do it
And I won't do it to my family 
I just need help 
A little bit of help 
That is all....

Friday, 1 January 2016

Another year over.....

🎉We rang in the new year last night at home
There were 8 of us
We players board games 
And drank fizzy drinks out of champagne flutes 
When the clock striked 12
We all piled over to my neighbours house to wish her a happy new year
She said it had made her night 
I got to bed around 2am
And found it really hard to wake up this morning
I dragged my weary self out of bed
Made a cup of tea
And promptly fell back to sleep again on the couch 
I woke an hour later 
Still feeling extremely tired
But I put my coat and hat on
And headed out with Honey and Lea
I had been walking for about 5 minutes 
When I began feeling a little strange 
Like all blood had drained from my face
And I was going to throw up
I turned back straight away 
As I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out or not 
It took me forever to make it home 
Takings breaks
Stopping and starting 
But everything was difficult 
I couldn't get my breath 
My body felt like it was fighting against me
I arrived home finally 
My mother knew straight away something was wrong 
When I walked in and collapsed in to a chair 
I told her what had happened
She asked if I had pain
I didn't 
She made me tea and toast
And I took a hot water bottle in to the living room
Where I write this 

I have to admit 
I am worried 
That this is happening again
That my body is fighting against itself
Even if it's not quite pancreatitis 
It's still a sign that all is not well with my health  
Nothing about this is good

I'm going to leave it at that for now
I'm going to rest 
And try and take care of myself 
Until tomorrow....,