Preparation

So 

My interview is tomorrow at 3pm

And all systems are go to prepare for it

I sat down with my sisters and mum yesterday evening 

And went over possible questions that I may be asked 

I jotted them all down

And I also researched the charity

So I will know if I am asked

It actually seems like a really great organisation

Founded here in Ireland in 1844

They are the largest voluntary organisation

Their main goal is to help individuals and families alleviate poverty

It's such a force for good

And is something I would love to be involved in

I also rang a guy I know 

Who works in the same area

He was a great help 

And gave me some insider knowledge 

As well as key buzz words that interviewers look for 

Last night 

I sorted out my outfit 

Louisa suggested that I not wear the typical interview uniform

Black blazer

Black slacks 

And a white shirt 

This is a safe bet 

But as Louisa pointed out 

Everyone will be wearing that 

And it might be good to wear something else 

Just so I stand out 

I have a navy blue dress I could wear 

But I will make a final decision later on today

My sister pointed out that interviewers want to see personality 

And I hope I come across friendly yet professional 

Capable and able 

With a can do attitude

I hope I can show that I work well on my own and can use my initiative 

But also work well as part of a team

And can take direction well

I want to show that I am a good all rounder 

My sister alwAys says

If you wAnt something done

Ask Ruby

Because I am quick and efficient 

And get the job done 

So if I could manage to get that in

That would be great

I guess I want to sell myself 

But not come across as arrogant or over confident

Balance me thinks 

If I can communicate that I am enthusiastic and motivated 

I minght just have a chance 

 

Now it's just a waiting game 

Keep going over my notes 

Keep hoping that  I do well

Keep fighting for a better life

Interview!

I've been keeping an eye on the post this week

Hoping to hear something from the job

I was convinced that I wouldn't even get an interview

But today I got a letter

Telling me that I've been short listed for the interview

Which is on Thursday at 3pm

You guys 

I am so excited 

So grateful to have the chance to make a case for myself in person 

Now I have some work to do before Thursday

I have to find an appropriate outfit

I'm thinking slacks, white shirt, blazer and small heeled shoes 

I'll sort that out later 

And will show you photos so you can give me some feedback

I also want to go over some questions that they are likely to ask

And maybe do some research about the charity and the place itself

This is huge for me though

I haven't done a job interview in years 

But any job I have ever gone for, I have been successful 

Granted I may be a little rusty now

But I will give it my best shot 

That's all I can do

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Do you have any tips for interview?

Do you think I should take out my nose ring?

What would you wear to an interview?

What do you think employers look for in a candidate?

Any thoughts greatly appreciated

Tuesday 26 January

 I saw Mary first thing this morning

We had a good chat

I told her about the eating and purging spinning out of control

Calm as ever

She asked me about my meals

And what I am eating of a day

Breakfast is fine

I have tea and toast 

And sit at the kitchen table

I have no problem doing this

And even though it's only a relatively recent thing 

It has become my new normal 

Lunch and dinner are more of a problem

As I tend to graze throughout the day

Rather than eating fixed meals

Dinner I eat at the table too

But it rarely stays down 

And then I'm back to square one again

I really need to do a proper meal plan

Know what I'm having to eat that day

Have the correct ingredients ready to go

And then do something afterwards

To distract myself from purging

This is all great in theory 

But in practise 

Well let's just say it's not easy

Mary said she believes in me

That I can do this 

And her belief makes me believe 

Mary also told me about something exciting

One of the other social workers asked Mary if she knew anyone who was interested in working with animals 

Specifically horses

It turns out 

That a former social worker who now runs a stables

Is looking for people with mental health issues to volunteer there 

I was super excited to hear this 

It's right up my street 

So Mary is going to get the woman's number 

And I can contact her myself 

You guys 

This sounds perfect for me

And if the job doesn't work out

I can see myself doing this

Horses are a lot like dogs I think 

Very in tune with people

And have the ability to heal 

Since Mary told me about it

I can't stop thinking about how I would just love to do this

It has my name written on it!

Fingers crossed this works out

And of course 

If I am going to be working 

Whether in the job or with animals 

I need to keep my strength up

Eat properly

And look after myself 

I mean

I am no good to anyone if I am weak from lack of food

It will also give my day structure and routine

As well as contributing to help my self esteem and confidence

I just really hope that one f these opportunities works out

I would be glad of either

Or even both 

I think volunteering 

Or working 

Will also provide me with a feel good factor

One job is helping the elderly 

The other is helping animals 

Just to know that I am helping others will be a huge boost

I just can't wait to get started!

But at the same time

I don't want to get my hopes up too high

Just in case they don't turn out

And that's why I need a plan C and a plan D

So I have something to fall back on

And have all bases covered 

In other news 

I'm managing to hold steady with my weight

And haven't had any noticeable drops in the last couple of weeks

It always in my face where the weight loss is most noticeable 

You would think it would come off my ass or my thighs 

But no

It's always the face

And I end up looking like a gaunt little old lady

I spoke with Mary this morning

And the aim is to gain half a kilo a week

Which is doable I think

My target weight in hospital was 54kg

And that seems to be the weight that is my set point 

And where I feel most comfortable 

I know the weight I am at now is not normal for a 34 year old woman 

And when I had a bit more weight on me

I was actually beginning to like it

But really and truly 

It's not about weight at all

It's just a symptom of a greater problem

It's a side effect of the illness

And I know I don't look well 

My cheeks are sunken 

Dark circles under my eyes 

And a pale pallor 

There is nothing pretty about that 

There is nothing romantic or glamorous about purging ten times a day

This life is nothing to aspire to

It's a dead end 

And once you fall down the rabbit hole

It is nigh on impossible to get out 

But 

In saying all this 

I still feel positive 

And hopeful

I am lucky

I have my family and Mary

People who believe in me until I can believe in myself 

Because if it wasn't for them

I would have fallen apart long ago

I don't know what I have done to deserve such amazing people in my life 

I don't take them for granted 

And every day 

I thank God and my lucky stars to have them in my life 

When someone holds your hands so tightly 

Looks you dead in the eyes

And tells you with such conviction

That you will be ok

It's hard to argue with that 

So today

I say the very same thing to you

Instead of holding you 

And speaking to you

I type these words 

With all the strength and conviction I can muster 

That you 

Yes you

You will be alright 

You will get through this 

And you will come out the other side stronger than ever 

This I promise you

So please 

I ask you 

To keep holding on 

Keep hanging in there 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep going 

I will if you will 

Pinkie promise.....?

Monday 25 January

The weekend was pretty busy

My brother and his partner were here for a couple of nights 

I love having them here

But I was also glad for things to go back to normal yesterday

It felt like Christmas was a month long this year 

As we had so many visitors

I love when there are people in the house 

But I also feel a bit of relief when they leave 

And I can get back to my usual routine 

My ED tends to get out of hand when there are people here 

And I try to eat in secret 

Which is not really doable when there is a house full of people

When my brother and his partner left

I found myself in the middle of a non stop eat purge cycle 

I literally couldn't stop 

And a big part of me wasn't aware I was doing it

At about 8pm last night 

I was in the kitchen 

Making pasta 

My mother came in 

She said 'Ruby, are you aware you've been eating and purging all day? I'm really worried about you, you're spinning out of control!'

Just then 

My sister came in to the room

And backed up what my mother was saying

I was mortified 

So embarrassed 

I just wanted to run away

My mother kept saying that I was going to kill myself 

And this had to stop

I must admit though 

I hadn't fully realised it was this bad 

I mean of course I know I am purging a lot 

But I never thought it was noticeable to others

Which is silly really

Because of course they notice 

They live with me 

They see me going around in circles from the kitchen to the bathroom

One thing is for sure 

This has to stop 

Before I lose  my mind and my sanity

Before something really bad happens 

I saw my doctor this morning 

He asked me if I enjoyed the meal out on Froday night 

And asked me if I find it difficult going out to eat  

I do 

I told him that going out for dinner is not my first choice of things to do for fun

My doctor sat back in his chair

As he does when he's up for a chat

He asked me about purging 

And how much I ate 

I told him I had three courses 

Which for me was way too much to stomach

And that I purged in between each one

He made the point that I could just have one course

And try and keep that down 

I mean yes

That makes perfect sense

But the thing is 

I want to eat the food 

But my eyes are bigger than my belly 

And I always end up feeling really full and uncomfortable 

I told my doctor that I am seeing my psychiatrist again next week 

And he had spoken about increasing the Prozac 

My doctor said we could look at that 

Last week he talked about reducing the methadone today

But because things are a bit all over the place 

We put that off for a couple of weeks

I was glad of that 

Seriously though

I need to get back on track 

I can't go on like this 

It's a living hell 

I feel so out of control 

And something has got to give 

My body will only tolerate so much abuse

Before it starts to break down

And I get really ill 

And I hate that I am worrying my family 

I hate that they are suffering along with me

So today 

I am making a big effort 

Breakfast is fine 

I eat tea and toast at the table every morning 

This is a relatively new thing for me

But recently I have got in to the routine of doing it

And now it has become my new normal

I don't usually eat lunch 

I tend to graze through out the day

Then in the evening I have dinner with my mum and sister 

But always purge 

At night I could eat and purge up to five times

The thing is 

I'm not sure I can do this

People always say to me 

You gave up smoking 

You quit drugs 

Of course you can do this 

But I'm not so sure 

Food is proving to be the most difficult addiction to crack

But I have to 

If I want any semblance of a normal life

I can't quite put my finger on when this relapse started 

I know I started losing weight mid November 

And lost it very quickly

But even before that 

My mood had dipped markedly 

In Turkey I wasn't in great form 

And I've had some really bad days since then 

I've been feeling lower than usual

Feeling like something awful is going to happen 

Like an impending sense of doom

I've also been feeling hopeless

Like I am a lost cause 

And I must admit 

It has been tempting to just disappear

But that is a permanent answer to a temporary problem 

I feel hyper sensitive too 

Hyper aware 

Sonetimes my feelings are right

But more often than not 

I am picking up things that are not actually there 

Which leads to a touch of paranoia

And that is a nightmare in itself 

The truth is though 

I have a lot to live for 

My family 

My dogs 

The prospect of getting a job I would love 

The possibility of meeting a nice guy 

All the wonderful experiences that I will have if I just hang in there 

Really my self esteem needs a good injection of self belief and confidence 

I'm trying to build myself up

And start to like myself 

And believe in myself 

But I have a tendency to put myself down 

And beat myself up

It's hard to have any confidence 

It's hard to believe that I am enough just the way I am 

This is why I think the job would be great for me 

I could really thrive and blossom given the opportunity 

And it would do wonders for my confidence 

Speaking of the job 

I am hoping to hear from them today or tomorrow 

The waiting is killing me 

And I sincerely hope it's good news

But whatever happens 

I know I did my best 

And gave it a good shot

That's all I could do  

And if it doesn't work out 

There will be something else 

Something perfect for me

I hate the fact that so much of my blog recently has been about my ED behaviours

I truly hope that I am not triggering anyone 

I do want tngive an honest account of my life and my recovery 

But I also don't want this to become a habit 

I am going to do my best to get back on track 

I had got a point where my ED was secondary in my life 

It didnt infringe on my life anymore 

But now 

Well

It's taking it over again

And I hate that 

I just need to slowly change my behaviours 

My way of doing things 

I have to do it

What is the alternative.....?

Night out!

As you may know

I don't tend to venture out at night

I don't frequent pubs and clubs

The only reason I would be out after dark would be to go to the theatre or cinema

Now that it is winter

I am usually in my pyjamas by 6pm

But last night 

Eight of my family went out for dinner

You might remember a few months ago

We got the news that my brother was offered a two book deal with Picador

We didn't see him or his partner over Christmas 

So they came here yesterday for the weekend

And we all went out last night for dinner

We booked the meal in a lovely little restaurant in the next village

To be honest 

I don't particularly like going out for dinner

It's not my first choice of fun things to do 

Because for me

Being  bulimic 

It's just a total waste of money

But anyway 

Back to last night 

We all dressed up a little 

I wore a denim pinafore dress 

With a stripe the top

And grey tights 

I also wore a pair of heels which I rarely do

We set off at about 7 30pm

To sit down for dinner at 8 pm

The restaurant itself was lovely 

Small

But perfectly formed 

Cosy 

Nice music 

And friendly staff

We settled at our table for eight

And began to look over the menus 

It was decided that we would have three courses 

Which sounded like a marathon to me

But I decided to do my best 

I ordered the asparagus and courgette soup for starter

The quail with champ and wild mushrooms for mains 

And the ice cream and a cup of tea for dessert

First 

An amuse bouche was served

A tiny shot of soup in a delicate little cup

It was delicious 

And did the trick to whet our appetite 

The came the starter which was lovely 

Followed by the main

I was just finishing my quail

When my mother called me 

I followed her gaze 

And found myself looking at my doctor 

I don't know why 

But I felt a little bit uncomfortable 

It's not the first time I've met him out and about 

And of course it's a small community

Do I am bound to run in to him somewhere 

He was just finishing his meal

And waved as he went up to pay

I de used to take the opportunity to go to the bathroom

When I came back 

He was still there

Then as he was leaving 

He tipped me on the shoulder and said goodbye 

I though that was really nice of him

And just goes to show what a decent person he is 

I relaxed a little after he left

But I wasn't myself anyway 

I was a bit quiet and withdrawn

But I did my best to stay in good form 

We were celebrating after all

And we don't often have good news like this

After dessert 

We all had teas and coffee

And started to get ready to leave

It was an expensive night out 

But again

We don't do it very often 

At me point in the night

I got a bit paranoid 

And thought my sister and my nephew were laughing at me 

They always mess when they get together 

But for some reason 

Probably because I was feeling a bit low

I thought they were making fun of me

By the end of the night 

I was fighting back tears 

And as soon as we got home I went straight to bed 

And had a proper cry

My sister came down to me

And I told her why I was upset

She said there was no way they were laughing at me

I believe her

But I still felt really tearful 

woke up feeling a lot better

I guess this is another side of my illness

Paranoia 

And thinking people are making fun of me 

Or laughing at me 

It's a horrible feeling 

To think that people would deliberately make me feel excluded like that 

I guess I am hyper sensitive 

And sometimes my feelings are warranted 

Sometimes not

But it's an amazing how a good nights sleep can make you feel better 

And able to see things clearly 

My Dad was down for the meal too

We went out this morning with the dogs 

And he gave me a rather stern talking to

He noticed my weight loss 

He would as he only sees me every few weeks 

He expressed concern 

And pleaded with me not to lose anymore weight 

He said he couldn't face seeing me like a 'bag of bones' like I was before  

I hate worrying my family 

And I guess it's down to me not to mAke them worried 

But

Somewhere 

Deep in my ED brain

My illness got a sick kick out of knowing that I've lost weight 

How twisted is that 

It makes me feel so guilty that I feel that way 

But I feel I have to be honest 

I hold on to my ED behaviours

Because they serve a purpose

It was the same with drugs or smoking 

At first 

There is a payoff for the behaviours 

With drugs it's the rush

The escape 

With smoking it's the calming and relaxing effect

But there comes a point 

When the negative consequences begin to our weight the positive

With my ED 

It's a stress reliever 

Anxiety reliever 

It's also an escape 

And boiling things down to weight 

Gives me something to focus on other than my issues

So 

I quit drugs

Gave up smoking 

Now food is my only vice 

And it's proving the trickiest to deal with

I have homework from Mary this week

And one of those items is to go to a meeting 

I've decided to go to the Tuesday lunch time meeting 

I also have to not purge as much as possible 

Eat three meals and two snacks 

I can't lie 

It's a lot to ask 

And I feel a bit overwhelmed 

But 

As ever 

It's one step at a time 

Friday 22 January

I finally got around to implementing my New Years resolution this week

And gave some money to my mum to save for me

I could save it myself 

But then I run the risk of temptation when I feel the urge to spend 

I'm really not all that good with money

At least up until now I haven't been

I remember when I went to the meetings

I heard several speak about their shopping addiction

I can relate to that 

The urge to spend 

The impulse to buy that skirt you just have to have

The feeling that my life would be complete if I had that pair of jeans

I'm trying save €30 a week

Plus money towards house keeping

It makes me feel good to contribute

And it's only fair seeing as I share this house too

It's a good life lesson

If I ever move out on my own 

I need to know how to budget my money 

And if it's a choice between buying food for the week or a pair of jeans 

I need to be able to make the right choice 

Because that's what responsible adults do

Right?

In other news

We have more visitors this week

My Dad is coming for the weekend 

As are my brother and his partner 

We are all going out for dinner tonight 

To celebrate my brothers book deal 

It's so great to have good news for a change 

For so long 

My family pin-balled from one crisis to another

There was always something 

Always drama 

Confrontation 

Tears and fights 

For so long 

We were falling apart

Crumbling 

We were horrid to each other

But now 

Well now things couldn't be more different 

Addiction is a thing of the past 

We get on now 

We actually like each other now  

We care about each other's well being now 

And that my friends

Is a friggin revelation 

I'm hoping to hear about the job soon

The closing date for applications was Wednesday 

The manager told me that they would go through them yesterday 

It might be early days to expect to hear from them today

But certainly by Monday or Tuesday 

I hope to find out that I've been called for an interview 

They are not calling everyone for interview 

But I really hope to be

Because I'd love the chance to make a case for myself in person

I want to show them that I am enthusiastic and motivated 

That I'm friendly 

Patient 

And wiling to learn

I'm probably getting my hopes up way too high 

But I can't help it 

I can't help getting excited at the prospect of being part of the working world 

Living life 

Being independent 

Taking care of my own stuff

And generally being a functioning member of society

I just want to be productive 

I wany to feel like I am worthwhile and valuable 

And have something to offer 

I feel like I could really do this job

And in fact

It wouldn't even be like a job

As I know I would enjoy the work 

Three evenings a week

From 4pm - 10pm is so manageable for me 

When I worked in the pizzeria

I was on the same hours  there 

And that suited me just fine 

So 

Here I am 

Hoping and praying 

I just want to know either way

As ever I will keep you posted....

Thursday 21 January

I saw Mary this afternoon

I didn't get to see her last week due to the bad weather we've been having

So I was really looking forward to seeing her this week 

I followed her up the stairs to the office

And settled in my usual seat

The first thing she asked me was if I am weighing myself 

I told her that I don't think my scales is working 

As it gives me a different number every time I stand on it 

I spyed Mary's scales in the corner of the room

So I knew what was coming next

She gently asked me if I minded being weighed 

I didn't 

So I removed my coat and boots 

And tentatively stepped on to the scales 

I looked at the number 

Which is out of character for me

But I was really curious to know what my weight was 

We worked out that I've lost ten kilos since I was discharged from therapy

It wasn't a shock 

I know my weight has been dropping 

And I really get no joy out of that 

Maybe at one point in my life 

The numbers mattered 

But not so much any more 

Of course 

The ED part of my brain gets a sick kick out of the loss

But I don't have the visceral reaction I used to when I see the number 

Which is a relief 

After that 

We moved on to discuss other matters 

We talked about my purging 

And how I'm going to have to get on top of it 

We made a list of things for me to do this week

Which includes 

Making a meal plan 

Three meals and two snacks 

Go to a meeting 

Keep a food diary 

No weighing 

And have a back up plan of the job doesn't work out 

Mary has such faith in me

She tells me that I am not realising my potential 

And it would be such a waste if I didn't find something to do that I love

She talked about the conference that I spoke at a couple of years ago

And that the response she got afterwards was over whelming

That was so lovely to hear 

As speaking at that conference meant so much to me 

I had the chance to speak in front of a room full of medical professionals, family members and sufferers

I felt like I was speaking for our whole community 

And I wanted to do you all proud 

It was one of the scariest things I have ever done 

But it was also one of the most worthwhile things I have ever done 

Explaining an ED to someone with no experience of one is pretty difficult 

Because it makes no sense 

Even to the sufferer 

But I did my best 

And that's all I can do 

Mary and I spoke for another while 

About having things to do

And also about self care 

Which is something that Breda also speaks about

Looking after myself 

Doing things for me 

Things I enjoy

I guess I don't do a lot of that 

I used to swim in the mornings 

Got to meetings 

Meet friends 

Go in to town 

I used to do reflexology 

Or get my eye brows done 

Lately 

I've been letting all that slip 

I was telling Mary

That if I'm home alone 

I don't cook

I don't light a fire 

Don't even turn on the heat

Why?

Because it's just me 

And it would just be a waste 

In other words 

I don't deserve it

And that speaks volumes me thinks 

I look at my Mum

She has a nice life carved out for herself 

Lots of friends 

Hobbies 

Like book clubs

And she recently became a Samaritan 

Where she will be working on a helpline 

She always has something to do

Some where to be

Someone to meet

So I can take my cue from her

Follow her example 

As she really is an amazing role model 

So

I have a busy week ahead of me

I have two appointments with Mary next week

Just until I am back on track

I need to focus on my food

Plan 

Shop

Prepare 

Have everything to hand 

So it's not a chore 

I told Mary that I struggle with portion sizes 

I either give myself too much or not enough

And if I am going to purge

I definitely overeat to the point where it is uncomfortable 

I love my food

And I don't want to feel deprived 

I do need to get my food and eating under control 

Because my normal is under or over eating 

My normal is heading to the bathroom when I'm finished my food and sticking two fingers down my throat

And throwing up until I taste bile

My normal is feeling dizzy when I stand up

It's spending €50 at a time on food 

And eating it all in the space of 24 hours

My normal is not having a bowel movement for weeks on end 

It's feeling so out of control where food is concerned, that I fear for my health and my sanity

My normal is standing the scales every morning 

And measuring my self worth from the number I see

My normal is feeling my heart flutter on my chest 

Like it might give out at any minute 

This is my normal

This is my life 

This is what I deal with all day, every day

Because my ED does not take holidays 

Or days off 

My ED has endless energy

And I am often worn out long before it is 

Because the truth is 

I am running off of the fumes of recovery right now 

This relapse has really knocked the wind out of me 

And I am clawing my way back 

They say that first time recovery is a gift

The second time you work for it

And the third 

And the fourth 

I told Mary about the job I applied for 

She thought it was great news

But emphasised that I need a back up plan just in case it doesn't work out

This is good advice I think 

And something I need to be prepared for 

The closing date for applications was yesterday

So they will be going through them today

And hopefully I will hear something tomorrow or Monday

I can't help but be excited about it

But I know not to allow myself to be too hopeful 

Anyway

We'll see soon enough 

Marry gave me two appointments for next week

Just for a bit of extra support

Which I will gladly accept 

Let's hope this is the start of my turning things around 

Let's hope I can bounce back yet again