The day after

I found it really difficult to wind down And relax after yesterday's interview

I had so much anxiety

And so much adrenaline running through my body before hand 

Sitting on that couch 

Waiting to be called in

Was beyond nerve wracking 

I haven't felt that anxious in a long time

I thought it was funny in the interview

When the man said I had a 'very interesting existence up until now'

All I could think was 

Seriously dude

You don't know the half of it

That CV was the PG version of my life

I find people are shocked when I tell them about my past

I guess I don't look like a typical addict

But then what does an addict look like?

Really it could be any of us 

The working mum who drinks a bottle of wine every night to unwind 

The invalid who got addicted to pain medication 

The homeless man addicted to heroin

The young student who tAkes party pills 

Or the housewife who is addicted to over the counter meds

There really is no typical addict 

Addiction knows no boundaries

It crosses gender

Age 

Creed

Religion 

It could happen to anyone 

After the interview yesterday

My mum, my sister and I went for dinner in one of the local pubs

I had bangers and mash

The others both had Turkey and Ham

It was delicious 

And very welcome on a cold winters day

When I got home 

I got straight in to my pyjamas 

And took my meds 

Lit a fire 

And cozied up on the couch for the evening 

The interview was running through my head 

Over and over again on a loop

By 10pm

I was starting to nod off

So I took mused off to bed

Read about three lines of my book

Before falling in to a deep sleep 

Today 

My mum and I brought Lea for a walk

Honey elected to stay in her bed

I don't blame her 

Then we went and did the food shopping 

Before dropping a few items over for my neighbour 

Now

I am looking forward to taking it easy for the day

I have nothing to do

And the whole day to do it 

The interview 

If nothing else

Was a great learning experience 

I learned that I have valuable experience 

That will be perfect, maybe not for this job

But for another job 

I learned that I can feel massive anxiety 

But can push through it and get the job done 

I learned that my life could look interesting to an outsider 

And hopefully 

Because of that 

I will be remembered

I learned that I can walk in to a room with three strangers

And sell myself, my qualities and experience 

I learned that I am not a waste of space 

That all my life experience has not been in vain 

That every little thing in my life 

Has made me who I am today 

And I'm starting to see 

That I am an ok person 

Yes

I have made monumental mistakes in my time 

Sometimes I do such stupid things 

That I think I need my head examined 

But 

I have learned from every mistake 

And most people are kind enough to give a second chance 

Because everyone deserves one 

Every one f**ks up royally once in a while 

That's life

That's human 

That's growing up

If I let every mistake I ever made get me down 

I would never get anywhere 

We have to let it go

We have to  forgive ourselves

Hope others can Too

And move on

I know that I'm not a bad person

Yes I've done some utterly stupid things in my time 

In addiction 

I was cunning, sly, manipulative 

I swear an addict with a bit of a brain is a dangerous combination 

But most people are good

It is rarely you meet someone who is bad to the bone 

Yes, they are out there 

But they are the exception rather than the rule

In other news

I have given up weighing myself 

I'm just not willing to let a stupid little number dictate my mood and self esteem anymore

I'm sick of measuring my self worth in pounds and ounces 

It doesn't matter what I weigh 

It really doesn't 

As long as I am not drastically underweight 

Or drastically over weight

Somewhere in between is absolutely fine 

I'm pretty sure my weight is holding steady though 

As my clothes fit the same

I've had to wear my jeans rolled down at the top

As most of them are too big for me now 

So it's no harm if I gain a few pounds 

I know the too skinny look is not a good one 

Health wise or aesthetically 

So I'm going to use the moderation approach 

Everything in moderation 

Including moderation

That sounds like a good plan to me

And anyway 

Mary has asked me not to weigh at home 

And she will weigh me once a week

That's all from me today folks

Thanks for reading and supporting my blog

See you on the next post...

The Interview

It's Thursday evening

My interview was at 3pm

All I can say is 

Thank God that it's over

I spent a good two days preparing 

Researching the company

Having typical questions ready to go

I had picked out an outfit of a blue shirt, black trousers and a grey jacket that sinched in at the waist

But when I tried it on in the morning

My mum said that it made me look very thin

So I reverted back to the original black jacket which at least gave me a bit of shape

I spent yesterday morning going over all the information I had gathered

Put myself together as best as I could

But needless to say

I was very nervous

I decided not to take my mega until after the interview

As I wanted to be fully awake and alert

The weather was atrocious as we were leaving to go to the interview

My mother drove 

As my car is full of dog hair

I had to put a bigger coat on

As it was freezing 

We arrived at the interview about ten minutes before 

I made my way inside 

And sat on the couch outside the meeting room

I took my bigger coat off

I also had a small bag

So I was trying to sit myself in a position where it would be easy to grab both

And still have a hand free to shake hands with the interviewers

So I put my jacket and bag over my right arm 

But then realised that I shake with my right hand

So I moved all to my left arm

And literally perched on the edge of the seat

Ready to go

The previous applicant came out of the room

An older woman with, yes you've guessed it, a black suit

It seems you were right about the black suits Louisa

The manager popped her head out and said she would be with me shortly 

I was practically off the seat by this point 

Just wishing it was all over 

Two minutes later 

I was called in 

The manager introduced me to the two other interviewers

I couldn't tell you who they are

Or what their names are 

I didn't hear a word that was said 

I was so busy trying to sit down and not have a complete panic attack

The male interviewer started 

He told me about the position 

The pay

What's expected of an employee

He then turned to my application

'You've led a very interesting existence' he said 

I laughed a nervous chuckle 

We went through my work history

The dancing 

The pizzeria 

The bank

I also mentioned in my form about my writing

The man seemed very interested in my blog

And what, how and why it worked

I hope my passion and enthusiasm came across in what I do

One of the ladies asked me do I write under a nom de plume

Thankfully I knew what she was talking about 

Because I could easily have forgotten given the stress of the situation

They also asked what I could bring to the job

Do I work well as part of a team

Have I ever been in a crisis 

How did i deal with it 

Dealing with difficult people

Was there anything in my previous jobs 

I thought I could improve on

Fortunately

I had spoke to a friend who works in this area

And he really helped with 'buzz words'

I tried to speak slowly and clearly

Make good eye contact

And generally show that I am a capable and able person

Who puts 100% in to everything I do

Thankfully 

The interviewers didn't pick up on a couple of gaps in my work history

I did allude that my blog was about health and lifestyle 

But they asked no more about that 

As the interview progressed

I did relax a little 

I hope my personality came through

And I came across well

I tried to sell myself to the best of my ability

Which does not come naturally to me

As an Irish person

We are notoriously bad at putting ourselves out there

And showing what we can do

We are taught from a young age to be humble in the regard

So it is difficult in an interview 

At times

I felt like I was repeating myself 

But some of the questions were similar

So I hope that's ok

Before I knew it

It was all over 

They asked me if I was happy with the interview

Which I was 

They also mentioned that I don't have a lot of experience in this industry

And I guess that has stuck in my mind 

I did tell them about helping my elderly neighbour 

So hopefully that will go some way to helping my case

And that was it 

I thanked them

And The manager walked me out

On my way out the door I saw the next candidate 

An older man 

I was starting to wonder if I had a chance at all

Maybe they were looking for someone more mature 

I don't know

They said they will let me know one way or another next week

I got back in to the car

And my mum and I headed to a local pub 

To meet my sister for dinner

I was still wound up after the interview

I was thinking of things that I could and should have said

Going over what I did say

Did I say enough?

Was I babbling? 

Did I make any sense at all?

I would have loved some feedback from them

But I guess I can request that after I find out if I got the job or not

I had to go through the whole thing three times

Once to mum

Then to my sister 

Then my Dad who phoned while we were at dinner

Oh I forgot to say

Mary sent me a good luck text this morning

Which was so nice of her 

Everyone around me was a brilliant support 

My family 

Friends 

And you 

Who even though I have never met any of you

I felt your love and support every step of the way

So that's it

Done and dusted 

I've done all I can do 

I just have to let go of the stress and nerves

If I get it

Brilliant

If I don't

On to the next thing

And learn from this 

That was my first interview in years

So if nothing

It was a good experience 

Thank you for your continued support

You guys have been nothing short of amazing

I'd be lost without you

Preparation

So 

My interview is tomorrow at 3pm

And all systems are go to prepare for it

I sat down with my sisters and mum yesterday evening 

And went over possible questions that I may be asked 

I jotted them all down

And I also researched the charity

So I will know if I am asked

It actually seems like a really great organisation

Founded here in Ireland in 1844

They are the largest voluntary organisation

Their main goal is to help individuals and families alleviate poverty

It's such a force for good

And is something I would love to be involved in

I also rang a guy I know 

Who works in the same area

He was a great help 

And gave me some insider knowledge 

As well as key buzz words that interviewers look for 

Last night 

I sorted out my outfit 

Louisa suggested that I not wear the typical interview uniform

Black blazer

Black slacks 

And a white shirt 

This is a safe bet 

But as Louisa pointed out 

Everyone will be wearing that 

And it might be good to wear something else 

Just so I stand out 

I have a navy blue dress I could wear 

But I will make a final decision later on today

My sister pointed out that interviewers want to see personality 

And I hope I come across friendly yet professional 

Capable and able 

With a can do attitude

I hope I can show that I work well on my own and can use my initiative 

But also work well as part of a team

And can take direction well

I want to show that I am a good all rounder 

My sister alwAys says

If you wAnt something done

Ask Ruby

Because I am quick and efficient 

And get the job done 

So if I could manage to get that in

That would be great

I guess I want to sell myself 

But not come across as arrogant or over confident

Balance me thinks 

If I can communicate that I am enthusiastic and motivated 

I minght just have a chance 

 

Now it's just a waiting game 

Keep going over my notes 

Keep hoping that  I do well

Keep fighting for a better life

Interview!

I've been keeping an eye on the post this week

Hoping to hear something from the job

I was convinced that I wouldn't even get an interview

But today I got a letter

Telling me that I've been short listed for the interview

Which is on Thursday at 3pm

You guys 

I am so excited 

So grateful to have the chance to make a case for myself in person 

Now I have some work to do before Thursday

I have to find an appropriate outfit

I'm thinking slacks, white shirt, blazer and small heeled shoes 

I'll sort that out later 

And will show you photos so you can give me some feedback

I also want to go over some questions that they are likely to ask

And maybe do some research about the charity and the place itself

This is huge for me though

I haven't done a job interview in years 

But any job I have ever gone for, I have been successful 

Granted I may be a little rusty now

But I will give it my best shot 

That's all I can do

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Do you have any tips for interview?

Do you think I should take out my nose ring?

What would you wear to an interview?

What do you think employers look for in a candidate?

Any thoughts greatly appreciated

Tuesday 26 January

 I saw Mary first thing this morning

We had a good chat

I told her about the eating and purging spinning out of control

Calm as ever

She asked me about my meals

And what I am eating of a day

Breakfast is fine

I have tea and toast 

And sit at the kitchen table

I have no problem doing this

And even though it's only a relatively recent thing 

It has become my new normal 

Lunch and dinner are more of a problem

As I tend to graze throughout the day

Rather than eating fixed meals

Dinner I eat at the table too

But it rarely stays down 

And then I'm back to square one again

I really need to do a proper meal plan

Know what I'm having to eat that day

Have the correct ingredients ready to go

And then do something afterwards

To distract myself from purging

This is all great in theory 

But in practise 

Well let's just say it's not easy

Mary said she believes in me

That I can do this 

And her belief makes me believe 

Mary also told me about something exciting

One of the other social workers asked Mary if she knew anyone who was interested in working with animals 

Specifically horses

It turns out 

That a former social worker who now runs a stables

Is looking for people with mental health issues to volunteer there 

I was super excited to hear this 

It's right up my street 

So Mary is going to get the woman's number 

And I can contact her myself 

You guys 

This sounds perfect for me

And if the job doesn't work out

I can see myself doing this

Horses are a lot like dogs I think 

Very in tune with people

And have the ability to heal 

Since Mary told me about it

I can't stop thinking about how I would just love to do this

It has my name written on it!

Fingers crossed this works out

And of course 

If I am going to be working 

Whether in the job or with animals 

I need to keep my strength up

Eat properly

And look after myself 

I mean

I am no good to anyone if I am weak from lack of food

It will also give my day structure and routine

As well as contributing to help my self esteem and confidence

I just really hope that one f these opportunities works out

I would be glad of either

Or even both 

I think volunteering 

Or working 

Will also provide me with a feel good factor

One job is helping the elderly 

The other is helping animals 

Just to know that I am helping others will be a huge boost

I just can't wait to get started!

But at the same time

I don't want to get my hopes up too high

Just in case they don't turn out

And that's why I need a plan C and a plan D

So I have something to fall back on

And have all bases covered 

In other news 

I'm managing to hold steady with my weight

And haven't had any noticeable drops in the last couple of weeks

It always in my face where the weight loss is most noticeable 

You would think it would come off my ass or my thighs 

But no

It's always the face

And I end up looking like a gaunt little old lady

I spoke with Mary this morning

And the aim is to gain half a kilo a week

Which is doable I think

My target weight in hospital was 54kg

And that seems to be the weight that is my set point 

And where I feel most comfortable 

I know the weight I am at now is not normal for a 34 year old woman 

And when I had a bit more weight on me

I was actually beginning to like it

But really and truly 

It's not about weight at all

It's just a symptom of a greater problem

It's a side effect of the illness

And I know I don't look well 

My cheeks are sunken 

Dark circles under my eyes 

And a pale pallor 

There is nothing pretty about that 

There is nothing romantic or glamorous about purging ten times a day

This life is nothing to aspire to

It's a dead end 

And once you fall down the rabbit hole

It is nigh on impossible to get out 

But 

In saying all this 

I still feel positive 

And hopeful

I am lucky

I have my family and Mary

People who believe in me until I can believe in myself 

Because if it wasn't for them

I would have fallen apart long ago

I don't know what I have done to deserve such amazing people in my life 

I don't take them for granted 

And every day 

I thank God and my lucky stars to have them in my life 

When someone holds your hands so tightly 

Looks you dead in the eyes

And tells you with such conviction

That you will be ok

It's hard to argue with that 

So today

I say the very same thing to you

Instead of holding you 

And speaking to you

I type these words 

With all the strength and conviction I can muster 

That you 

Yes you

You will be alright 

You will get through this 

And you will come out the other side stronger than ever 

This I promise you

So please 

I ask you 

To keep holding on 

Keep hanging in there 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep going 

I will if you will 

Pinkie promise.....?

Monday 25 January

The weekend was pretty busy

My brother and his partner were here for a couple of nights 

I love having them here

But I was also glad for things to go back to normal yesterday

It felt like Christmas was a month long this year 

As we had so many visitors

I love when there are people in the house 

But I also feel a bit of relief when they leave 

And I can get back to my usual routine 

My ED tends to get out of hand when there are people here 

And I try to eat in secret 

Which is not really doable when there is a house full of people

When my brother and his partner left

I found myself in the middle of a non stop eat purge cycle 

I literally couldn't stop 

And a big part of me wasn't aware I was doing it

At about 8pm last night 

I was in the kitchen 

Making pasta 

My mother came in 

She said 'Ruby, are you aware you've been eating and purging all day? I'm really worried about you, you're spinning out of control!'

Just then 

My sister came in to the room

And backed up what my mother was saying

I was mortified 

So embarrassed 

I just wanted to run away

My mother kept saying that I was going to kill myself 

And this had to stop

I must admit though 

I hadn't fully realised it was this bad 

I mean of course I know I am purging a lot 

But I never thought it was noticeable to others

Which is silly really

Because of course they notice 

They live with me 

They see me going around in circles from the kitchen to the bathroom

One thing is for sure 

This has to stop 

Before I lose  my mind and my sanity

Before something really bad happens 

I saw my doctor this morning 

He asked me if I enjoyed the meal out on Froday night 

And asked me if I find it difficult going out to eat  

I do 

I told him that going out for dinner is not my first choice of things to do for fun

My doctor sat back in his chair

As he does when he's up for a chat

He asked me about purging 

And how much I ate 

I told him I had three courses 

Which for me was way too much to stomach

And that I purged in between each one

He made the point that I could just have one course

And try and keep that down 

I mean yes

That makes perfect sense

But the thing is 

I want to eat the food 

But my eyes are bigger than my belly 

And I always end up feeling really full and uncomfortable 

I told my doctor that I am seeing my psychiatrist again next week 

And he had spoken about increasing the Prozac 

My doctor said we could look at that 

Last week he talked about reducing the methadone today

But because things are a bit all over the place 

We put that off for a couple of weeks

I was glad of that 

Seriously though

I need to get back on track 

I can't go on like this 

It's a living hell 

I feel so out of control 

And something has got to give 

My body will only tolerate so much abuse

Before it starts to break down

And I get really ill 

And I hate that I am worrying my family 

I hate that they are suffering along with me

So today 

I am making a big effort 

Breakfast is fine 

I eat tea and toast at the table every morning 

This is a relatively new thing for me

But recently I have got in to the routine of doing it

And now it has become my new normal

I don't usually eat lunch 

I tend to graze through out the day

Then in the evening I have dinner with my mum and sister 

But always purge 

At night I could eat and purge up to five times

The thing is 

I'm not sure I can do this

People always say to me 

You gave up smoking 

You quit drugs 

Of course you can do this 

But I'm not so sure 

Food is proving to be the most difficult addiction to crack

But I have to 

If I want any semblance of a normal life

I can't quite put my finger on when this relapse started 

I know I started losing weight mid November 

And lost it very quickly

But even before that 

My mood had dipped markedly 

In Turkey I wasn't in great form 

And I've had some really bad days since then 

I've been feeling lower than usual

Feeling like something awful is going to happen 

Like an impending sense of doom

I've also been feeling hopeless

Like I am a lost cause 

And I must admit 

It has been tempting to just disappear

But that is a permanent answer to a temporary problem 

I feel hyper sensitive too 

Hyper aware 

Sonetimes my feelings are right

But more often than not 

I am picking up things that are not actually there 

Which leads to a touch of paranoia

And that is a nightmare in itself 

The truth is though 

I have a lot to live for 

My family 

My dogs 

The prospect of getting a job I would love 

The possibility of meeting a nice guy 

All the wonderful experiences that I will have if I just hang in there 

Really my self esteem needs a good injection of self belief and confidence 

I'm trying to build myself up

And start to like myself 

And believe in myself 

But I have a tendency to put myself down 

And beat myself up

It's hard to have any confidence 

It's hard to believe that I am enough just the way I am 

This is why I think the job would be great for me 

I could really thrive and blossom given the opportunity 

And it would do wonders for my confidence 

Speaking of the job 

I am hoping to hear from them today or tomorrow 

The waiting is killing me 

And I sincerely hope it's good news

But whatever happens 

I know I did my best 

And gave it a good shot

That's all I could do  

And if it doesn't work out 

There will be something else 

Something perfect for me

I hate the fact that so much of my blog recently has been about my ED behaviours

I truly hope that I am not triggering anyone 

I do want tngive an honest account of my life and my recovery 

But I also don't want this to become a habit 

I am going to do my best to get back on track 

I had got a point where my ED was secondary in my life 

It didnt infringe on my life anymore 

But now 

Well

It's taking it over again

And I hate that 

I just need to slowly change my behaviours 

My way of doing things 

I have to do it

What is the alternative.....?

Night out!

As you may know

I don't tend to venture out at night

I don't frequent pubs and clubs

The only reason I would be out after dark would be to go to the theatre or cinema

Now that it is winter

I am usually in my pyjamas by 6pm

But last night 

Eight of my family went out for dinner

You might remember a few months ago

We got the news that my brother was offered a two book deal with Picador

We didn't see him or his partner over Christmas 

So they came here yesterday for the weekend

And we all went out last night for dinner

We booked the meal in a lovely little restaurant in the next village

To be honest 

I don't particularly like going out for dinner

It's not my first choice of fun things to do 

Because for me

Being  bulimic 

It's just a total waste of money

But anyway 

Back to last night 

We all dressed up a little 

I wore a denim pinafore dress 

With a stripe the top

And grey tights 

I also wore a pair of heels which I rarely do

We set off at about 7 30pm

To sit down for dinner at 8 pm

The restaurant itself was lovely 

Small

But perfectly formed 

Cosy 

Nice music 

And friendly staff

We settled at our table for eight

And began to look over the menus 

It was decided that we would have three courses 

Which sounded like a marathon to me

But I decided to do my best 

I ordered the asparagus and courgette soup for starter

The quail with champ and wild mushrooms for mains 

And the ice cream and a cup of tea for dessert

First 

An amuse bouche was served

A tiny shot of soup in a delicate little cup

It was delicious 

And did the trick to whet our appetite 

The came the starter which was lovely 

Followed by the main

I was just finishing my quail

When my mother called me 

I followed her gaze 

And found myself looking at my doctor 

I don't know why 

But I felt a little bit uncomfortable 

It's not the first time I've met him out and about 

And of course it's a small community

Do I am bound to run in to him somewhere 

He was just finishing his meal

And waved as he went up to pay

I de used to take the opportunity to go to the bathroom

When I came back 

He was still there

Then as he was leaving 

He tipped me on the shoulder and said goodbye 

I though that was really nice of him

And just goes to show what a decent person he is 

I relaxed a little after he left

But I wasn't myself anyway 

I was a bit quiet and withdrawn

But I did my best to stay in good form 

We were celebrating after all

And we don't often have good news like this

After dessert 

We all had teas and coffee

And started to get ready to leave

It was an expensive night out 

But again

We don't do it very often 

At me point in the night

I got a bit paranoid 

And thought my sister and my nephew were laughing at me 

They always mess when they get together 

But for some reason 

Probably because I was feeling a bit low

I thought they were making fun of me

By the end of the night 

I was fighting back tears 

And as soon as we got home I went straight to bed 

And had a proper cry

My sister came down to me

And I told her why I was upset

She said there was no way they were laughing at me

I believe her

But I still felt really tearful 

woke up feeling a lot better

I guess this is another side of my illness

Paranoia 

And thinking people are making fun of me 

Or laughing at me 

It's a horrible feeling 

To think that people would deliberately make me feel excluded like that 

I guess I am hyper sensitive 

And sometimes my feelings are warranted 

Sometimes not

But it's an amazing how a good nights sleep can make you feel better 

And able to see things clearly 

My Dad was down for the meal too

We went out this morning with the dogs 

And he gave me a rather stern talking to

He noticed my weight loss 

He would as he only sees me every few weeks 

He expressed concern 

And pleaded with me not to lose anymore weight 

He said he couldn't face seeing me like a 'bag of bones' like I was before  

I hate worrying my family 

And I guess it's down to me not to mAke them worried 

But

Somewhere 

Deep in my ED brain

My illness got a sick kick out of knowing that I've lost weight 

How twisted is that 

It makes me feel so guilty that I feel that way 

But I feel I have to be honest 

I hold on to my ED behaviours

Because they serve a purpose

It was the same with drugs or smoking 

At first 

There is a payoff for the behaviours 

With drugs it's the rush

The escape 

With smoking it's the calming and relaxing effect

But there comes a point 

When the negative consequences begin to our weight the positive

With my ED 

It's a stress reliever 

Anxiety reliever 

It's also an escape 

And boiling things down to weight 

Gives me something to focus on other than my issues

So 

I quit drugs

Gave up smoking 

Now food is my only vice 

And it's proving the trickiest to deal with

I have homework from Mary this week

And one of those items is to go to a meeting 

I've decided to go to the Tuesday lunch time meeting 

I also have to not purge as much as possible 

Eat three meals and two snacks 

I can't lie 

It's a lot to ask 

And I feel a bit overwhelmed 

But 

As ever 

It's one step at a time