Horse therapy

Today was the day that I've been waiting for all week

My first session of horse therapy

As you know 

I am a huge animal lover 

Especially dogs and donkeys and horses

So I was super excited to go horse riding today

My appointment was at 1pm

So my sister and I left the house at about 11 30am

As we had to stop in town on the way 

We both did our bits and bobs 

Then went for a cuppa and a sausage roll

I always thought that I didn't like sausage rolls

But dipped in tomato sauce

It was moorish and delicious 

We finished up

And as I was heading out of the coffee shop

I ran in to a guy from the meetings and his dog

We chatted for a couple of minutes 

Before making our way back to the car 

We gave ourselves an hour to get to the stables 

Just in case we got lost

Which was very possible given our basic instructions 

In the end 

It wasn't too hard to find 

In fact you couldn't miss it

It was a huge house 

With a stables beside it

It was a beautiful bright and clear day

So the whole set up looked amazing

So green

So peaceful and tranquil 

We parked and I headed for the big barn

A pretty dark haired lady greeted me

And said she would be with me in a few minutes 

My sister and I took the opportunity to walk around

Get our bearings

And pet some of the horses

Then another girl came over to talk to us 

She was really friendly

And we were made feel so welcome

About ten minutes later 

They were ready for me 

I changed in to my wellies 

And followed the lady to the stables

She introduced me to Star the pony

Who would be my pony for the session

He was a handsome fella

White with brown patches 

Who apparently liked to bite people 

We brought Star in to the arena

My sister stayed well back as she is afraid of horses

The girls joked that they were going to put her up on the biggest, maddest horse they had

My sister nearly lost her life!

I was able to get on the horse straight away 

Which was awesome

I felt comfortable 

No fear at all

The girl led us around 

Giving me time to get used to the horse 

It felt amazing to be riding 

And soon 

We began to move quicker

And we started to trot

There is a kind of rise and fall rhythm to trotting 

At first I couldn't get in to it 

But after a few minutes 

It began to feel natural

And I didn't have to think about it 

The girls were really encouraging 

And said I was a natural

Which was lovely to hear 

We walked and trotted for the next half hour 

I felt so comfortable

So at home 

And was sad when our time was up

It flew by

And I just wanted to do more and more 

The  two girls taking the session were lovely 

So welcoming and patient  

I haven't felt such happiness for a long time 

After the session 

We had a little chat

And I asked the girls how often I should come 

The said every week is ideal

In order to continue to make progress

They also asked me if I would like to join a group

As they could leave me on my own then

I said I'd love to do that 

So made an appointment for next Wednesday morning with the group

Who are MS sufferers

And the best part was 

This only costs me €15 a session

I mean that's for nothing!!

Anyway

Less words

More pictures....

Quick question

I really want to revamp my blog

The layout

The design

I'm sick to my back teeth looking at the photo of myself on the title of my blog

I don't want anything fancy

Just clean

Easy to read

And understand 

Simple

Yet classy

This is where you come in

I am something of a technophobe

So I was wondering if you could help me restyle my blog

Can you recommend any sites to build my blog?

Where did you get your design?

Do you have any tips on designing my blog?

Any short cuts?

Any help is much appreciated

Thanking you in advance....

Sunday/Monday

Yesterday was tough

I woke up in the morning 

Feeling good that I had got my ass to a meeting 

But I wasn't feeling physically great

I know I am struggling these days 

Because walking my dogs is a struggle 

Usually I am out with them first thing in the morning

But at the moment it's not something I look forward to 

It doesn't help that it's freezing cold here 

Lea is giddy until she is brought for a walk

Honey can take it or leave it

But I do try my best to bring them every day

If not my sister will bring them

Yesterday was a bright but cold day

So we decided to go to the long beach about 15 minutes away 

We all bundled in to the car

And headed off 

This particular beach is frequented by surfers and other out door pursuits

We parked in the car park

And made our way down the steep incline to the shore

This incline is all loose stones 

And can be quite treacherous 

But we made it down 

And started walking across the beach 

Lea especially loved the beach

She runs around like a lunatic 

Jumping and rolling in the sand

Running so fast and enthusiastically that her tail rotates

To be honest 

I wasn't really enjoying the walk

But I walked as far as I could

And then turned back

We arrived at the incline again 

But I was starting to feel weak

My sister went on ahead 

And soon I started to feel really breathless and dizzy

I felt massive pressure on my head

My vision blurred

I was sure I was going to pass out

I looked for somewhere to sit down 

And found a large rock nearby

I tried to take deep breathes 

But I was only about one third of the way up the hill

I thought I would never make it back to the car 

Heaving myself off the rock

I tried to continue on 

But again

Dizziness and weakness overcame me

And I sat down again 

By now 

My sister had realised that something was wrong 

And walked back down to meet me 

I linked her and tried to walk again

But soon had to sit down again

And put my head between my knees 

I really thought I was going to hit the de k

I felt like this the morning I had my last pancreatitis attack

Except I had no pain this time 

My sister helped me to the car

And finally made it there 

I collapsed in to the seat 

So relieved to be back and able to sit down 

We arrived home 

And my sister made me eggs and toast

I then retired to the couch to rest

I felt terrible 

And looked even worse

I slept for a good while 

When I woke up 

I felt a lot better 

But this is a warning sign 

That my body is hurting 

I am hurting it 

This bout of weight loss is really taking its toll

It seems that I have a lot of work to do in that area

Monday morning 

And doctor day for me 

We left a bit earlier this morning 

As the roads were frosty 

I arrived at the surgery for my 9am appointment 

I had just sat down 

When my doctor called my name 

As I followed him in

He said he had a student in with him today 

And was that ok

He regularly has students in observing 

And I have no problem with that 

I took a seat in his room 

The student greeted me

I said hello back 

My doctor and I chit chatted for a while 

I told him about the job

He said that he didn't want to say it last week

But he thought that I wouldn't get it due to lack of experience 

He was delighted that I got the other job though

I also told him about the horse therapy

We were all done and dusted quickly

I collected my script

And said thanks and goodbye 

Another Monday over 

Another week begun 

Now that my real life is beginning to come together

There are some things that I need to address 

My weight is a pressing problem

As in the last week it has plummeted 

I feel it 

I feel underweight

I don't feel well

I don't feel healthy

My body is crying out for nourishment t 

And I'm not giving it

Also 

I've been thinking about this blog 

And how open I am 

A lot of people read every day 

And though I am not at all ashamed about my blog or my life 

I am starting to wonder if maybe I should protect myself a bit more 

Maybe not be quite so open and frank 

I just worry about employers finding it 

Don't get me wrong 

I have nothing to hide 

But I don't want to leave myself in a vulnerable position 

Where the whole world knows my business 

I don't kid myself 

I know my problems are small fry compared to some people out there 

But I almost feel a duty to share my story 

In the hope that it will help others as well as myself 

Although I can see the benefits of being a open blogger 

There are also benefits to writing anonymously 

But as you know 

I am an all or nothing person

So I share either everything or nothing 

As my blog has grown 

I guess I have been more wary of what I write here

And I have gone back and deleted posts that maybe exposed me too much 

I also think about the negatives to blogging

The hate 

The anonymous comments that love to point out where I am going wrong

I ask myself the question

Is it worth it?

Is it worth the hassle?

The cruel comments 

Being judged

Being attacked 

Do the negatives out weigh the positives?

I ask myself this question regularly 

And most of the time

I come to the conclusion that it is worth it 

I do think it's unfair to judge though 

If there is one thing I don't do

Is judge people

I have learned over the years 

That people are the way they are for a reason

Who am I to judge? 

I am no better or no worse than anyone else

Judging others is dangerous ground

No one is perfect 

No one is infallible 

We all do silly things 

Make stupid mistakes 

That's the nature of us humans 

The trick is to learn from it 

And not repeat it 

Look

I am doing my best with the cards I have been dealt 

I try every day to be a good person

I try not to hurt myself or others 

I try to be the best person I can possibly be 

But of course I mess up from time to time 

It's human nature 

The important thing is to keep going 

Keep fighting 

Keep hoping 

And believing 

We have to forgive ours and others mistakes 

Or else what is the point?

I have a lot to look forward to now 

So much to live for 

I need to get back on track

Need to be as well as I can be

So I can start my job

So I can begin horse therapy 

So I stay healthy both physically and mentally 

At the age of 34 

My life is just beginning 

Just starting to happen

I know that I have a real shot now 

At being happy 

Content

And most importantly 

Having peace of mind 

That is my goal 

Just to have a quiet mind 

I can get there 

I truly believe I can and you can too

Mission Complete....

It's Sunday morning

And I am sat

Crosslegged

On my living room floor

With a hot cup of tea

And the TV on in the background

I wrote yesterday about going to a meeting

And I am pleased to tell you that I did in fact go to a meeting last evening 

It was quite strange really

But in the last couple of days 

I have been feeling like I have to get to a meeting 

Usually I would rather eat my own foot than go to a meeting

But yesterday it just felt urgent that I get to one 

The meeting was about half an hour away

So I asked my Mum to come 

As I have often been on my way in to said meeting 

And ended up somewhere completely different 

So what has kept me away from the meetings?

Anxiety mainly 

And fear that people don't like me 

But yesterday 

Well

I was able to put those fears aside for some reason 

I'm not quite sure why 

But I jumped on the opportunity to try and make some real progress

Mum and I left the house at about 5 20

I was so anxious and nervous on the way in 

That I couldn't even talk 

I just kept thinking 

It'll be over before i know it

We arrived at the building 

There were only two cars in the car park

I looked up to one of the windows where the light was on 

I could see movement 

People I didn't recognise 

I took a deep breath

Opened the car door

And headed for the entrance 

Walking in

My body felt weak and heavy with nerves

Walking up the stairs 

I could barely lift my feet

I felt like I was going to hit the deck

But I kept going 

I came to a closed door 

I could hear voices beyond 

I silently reached for the handle 

And pushed in

I scanned the room quickly

Three guys 

I didn't recognise any of them 

The meeting had started 

So I took the nearest seat 

And took deep breathes to calm down 

Just then the door opened 

And a girl walked in

She smiled at me as she came in

I smiled back

And she took a seat opposite me 

I don't know if you know how meeting s work 

But at the start 

The literature is read out 

Which takes about 15 minutes 

Then the meeting is opened 

And people can share 

Although there is no pressure 

You don't have to speak a word if you don't want to

I had told myself that I wouldn't speak 

Just to get myself in the door 

But being there 

And feeling the magic of the programme 

I decided to say a few words

I didn't say anything too personal

Just a bit about myself 

And my story 

I finished up 

And the final literature was read out 

We stood in a circle to say the serenity prayer 

And that was it

It was over 

I spoke to the girl for a while afterwards

She gave me her number 

Which I thought was really nice of her 

All in all

It was a good experience 

And I'm glad I went 

But I know the real test for me 

Is going when I don't want to go

When I think I don't need to go 

When it's raining outside 

And I am cosied up beside the fire and don't want to leave the house 

Usually 

People in recovery count their clean time 

I never have 

Because I never got any substantial amount of clean time to count 

But I can see the benefit of it

From counting my smoke free time

So I've decided to start today 

St. Valentine's Day 

Day number one 

As always 

Thank you for your continued support 

It means more than you know

Meeting

I'm going to do it 

I'm finally going to do it 

After over a year of avoiding it

And putting it off 

I'm going to go to a meeting this evening

My Mum is coming for support

I feel I need someone just to be there 

To talk me out of it if I decided to back out

No better woman than my mother for this 

I can't lie

I feel scared

Beyond anxious

And my nerves are shot

I'll go

But I don't think I'll speak

The goal is to just be there

To listen 

To soak up the recovery 

And the positivity 

To connect with others 

And do something good for myself 

I'll be leaving at 5 30pm

For the meeting at 6pm

Until then 

I am trying to stay busy 

And keep calm 

Wish me luck

I'm going to need it.....

28

As of this morning 

I have lost two stone in weight

28 pounds

I looked back over my notebooks 

Where I carefully recorded each weight 

I started losing weight in November

And have steadily lost since then

I'm not sharing this with you to brag

To boast 

Equally 

I'm not sharing it with you to concern you

Or worry you

It's not something I'm proud of

I'm sharing it with you because it stops here 

I can't go on like this

Or I will be back in hospital before you say possible relapse 

I have much to look forward to now

My horse therapy

My job 

My ED is gone in to panic mode

As it knows I am fighting back 

But just because I have things to look forward to 

Doesn't mean they recovery will miraculously happen

The habits of a half a life time are hard to change 

But 

I'm not going down without a fight 

It's time to close ranks 

Use my supports 

Use every bit of ED knowledge I've ever required

And fight like hell 

But what exactly does fighting entail?

It's not quite a physical fight

It's behavioural 

Its psychological 

It's emotional

It means eating three meals a day 

At the table

With my family 

It means no purging 

Which is the big one

I haven't gone a day without purging in years 

It has become just another habit in my life

I wake up 

Brush my teeth 

Eat something 

Purge 

It has become so normal that I don't even think about it anymore 

I had come to a place where I had accepted that purging was part of my day

And wasn't going anywhere

But Mary assures me that it's possible to have a life beyond my ED

She speaks so passionately about the fact that I can do this 

That I can recover 

Sitting in between my Mum and Mary yesterday 

Two amazingly strong women

Who both believe in me 

It was powerful 

I couldn't have two better women on my side 

I dont need to tell you how blessed I am

Finally 

It seems like things are slotting in to ace for me 

The jigsaw that is my life is starting to come together 

It's thrilling 

It's terrifying 

It's venturing in to the unknown

I can't lie 

I am petrified 

But I am ready 

I am so ready 

For the next phase of my life 

For recovery 

From both my ED and my addiction

I swear I am going to get to a meeting this week if it kills me

Screw the anxiety 

Screw the fear

This is about my getting well 

That's my priority right now

I know that I can do something when I set my mind on it

I'm now 18 months smoke free

And let me tell you

I was a dedicated smoker 

I joke with my sister that when I start earning money

I'm going to take it up again

But I know I won't 

Going back isn't an option 

I find that once I get my head around something 

Then I can do it 

Like with smoking 

Mentally giving up was half the battle

I'm sure it will be a similar situation with the purging

I just need to establish a new habit

A new pattern 

A new way of doing things 

I guess at first 

Distraction will be the name of the game

After eating 

I need to distract, distract, distract!

Get out of the house

Walk the dogs 

Go for a drive

And stay away from bathrooms

I know it will be tough

At first it will be uncomfortable

As my body gets used to keeping food down 

It will be a strange sensation

Actually letting my food digest

But it's something that has to be done

If I want t hold down a 30 hour a week job

I need to be healthy

I need to feed my body 

When I'm busy

I know I find it hard to eat

Do I will have to make a considered effort to keep my body fueled and fed

And to keep on top of my health

And not just exist on energy drinks 

So yes

There is much to look forward to 

And much work to do 

I have about three months before I start work to get on track

And hopefully the horse therapy will really help build my self esteem and confidence

As i know I am going to need a lot of these things on my work 

But 

I'm ready 

Come on life

Bring it on....

The first photo below was taken last November

And the following one this morning 

Mum meets Mary....

Ever since I found out that I have a job

I've been feeling very strange

It's not a feeling I can easily explain

And can't even put a word on it

When I got the news 

I was home alone 

I had no one to talk to

So I had to try and process the information myself 

Without bouncing it off someone else

The only way I can describe this feeling

Was like it was all too good to be true 

Like I was waiting for the catch

I'm not entirely used to things going my way

So this happy news was as much of a shock as if I hadn't got the job

I almost felt like I wanted to sabotage the job

So I wouldn't have to try

And have the possibility of failure

I doubt myself so much

And yesterday 

I questioned my ability to do a job well

I questioned whether they had made a mistake hiring me

In fairness 

They must think I can do the job since the did give me the position

And my mum and sister and dad assure me that I am well able for this type of work 

But I feel

Well

I don't know 

I know I'm not explaining myself very well here

I am just trying to make sense of this situation

I know I should probably be celebrating

But I can't seem to shake this funny feeling 

And last night was a marathon binge/purge session trying to escape from it

I woke up this morning 

Another pound lost

My BMI now 17

I felt nothing 

Nothing but the feeling that I was throwing my life away

And for what?

I now have to roll my trousers at the waist so they fit 

And my mother is expressing sincere worry and concern about me

She said that I am out of control 

That evenings are my worst time

She is not wrong 

In the evening I could purge up to six times

It has to stop

I saw Mary this afternoon

My Mum and I went in to the village early 

And brought the dogs for a walk in the woods 

Then headed down to the health centre 

Mam was going to wait in the car for me and read her book

I made my way up to Mary's office

And took a seat 

I mentioned that Mum was with me

And Mary asked if I'd like to include her in the session

I agreed 

And ran down and told Mum

Who would wait in the waiting room while mart and I had a chat 

I told Mary about the job

And she was delighted for me

She also told me that she had some information on the horse centre I was planning on going to

Mary had spoken to the girls there

And it's actually horse therapy

That is about an hour from my house

So I took their number

Excited at the prospect of starting

I tried to explain the feelings I was having to Mary 

She said it sounded like anxiety

But in a different form than I am used to 

And I guess that makes sense

I am anxious to join the working world

I'm anxious that I won't live up to expectations of the other staff

Mary also talked about self fulfilling prophecy 

And how we as humans can sabotage something that could be amazing

Because we are afraid 

At least I have recognised it though 

And can work on it 

Mary then weighed me

I lost 1.5kg from last week 

Mary then asked me to call my Mum up

Which I did 

They exchanged pleasantries 

They have met before 

Many times 

The session was tough 

But it was necessary 

We decided that as a family 

We would make a meal plan 

Sit at the table for all meals together

Mary also stressed the importance of my support groups 

So my other piece of home work is to go to a meeting before I see Mary again

That is going to be a challenge 

But one I really want to do 

We finished up 

And Mum and I headed home 

Over cups of tea at home

My sister and I did put a meal plan for the week 

So we will go shopping for said meals tomorrow 

The hard thing is going to be not purging 

But I have to do it 

I just have to grit my teeth

Sit with the feeling

And just do it 

Hopefully eating enough during the day 

Will help ease the bingeing in the evening 

In fact I know it will

Mary said something surprising to me yesterday 

She said that if I maintained my weight where it is now 

Then that would be fine 

I would have thought the ideal thing would be to gain a few kilos 

But maybe she means just for now

I couldn't resist ringing the horse people when I got home 

I got through to a girl called A 

I told her who I was 

And how I had come across her number

She asked me a bit about myself 

I wasn't planning on telling her about my ED so soon 

But it just sort of came out

She explained what they do at the centre

It usually costs about €50 for a general horse riding lesson 

But this only costs €15

So happy days!

We arranged an appointment for next Wednesday at 1pm

You guys?

I am super duper excited and over the moon to do this!

And it gives me plenty of time to get in to a good frame of mind before I start work

Things are finally falling in to place for me

And I can't wait to see what the future holds 

Horse therapy 

A job I love 

These are things that I dreamed about in my darkest days

And now they are happening!

They are actually happening!

I feel excitement bubbling inside me

I've spent my life looking for somewhere to fit in

Somewhere where I belong 

This could be it 

This could be what I'm looking for 

I thought I had found it in drugs and ED

But that never worked out

Now I just need to put the brakes on where my ED and weight loss are concerned 

I can't afford to lose any more weight 

And the threat of pancreatitis is always there 

If I want to be healthy and strong and able

I need to feed and nourish my body 

I need to allow myself good food

And enough good food 

I need to allow myself to keep it down 

And not feel guilty for it

In short

There is much to look forward to

Life starts now

Hang on to your hats people

It's going to be a crazy ride....