Not giving in....

I watched an episode of Dr. Phil this morning

We were introduced to 15 year old Isabella and her mother 

Isabella had bulimia 

And also OCD

She blamed her illness in the fact that her mother mocked her for being slightly over weight 

And not exercising 

Isabella confessed to bingeing and purging multiple times a day 

She stole food

Used laxatives 

And was generally very low and depressed

The thing that bothered her most of all though 

Was the fact that she wasn't underweight

She was a healthy 120 pounds 

And she felt that people didn't think she was that bad 

Because she looked ok

She seemed healthy 

People presumed that because she wasn't severely underweight 

Then it couldn't be that serious 

Isabella was in a lot of distress

She spoke through sobs of tears

And felt bitter anger towards her mother

Incidentally 

Her mother also suffered from anorexia/bulimia when she was 15

You would think she would be more sympathetic 

But she just wasn't 

I can totally understand Isabella's pain 

It is a huge myth that every one who has an ED is underweight 

In fact most people suffering with an ED are of a perfectly healthy weight 

This can be confusing 

As we are all used to the images of anorexia 

Emaciated bodies 

With protruding bones 

And sunken cheeks 

The extreme pictures of desperately underweight people 

But in reality 

Those with an ED are more often than not 

In the healthy range 

Weight wise 

I know myself 

I've been every weight from 77 pounds to  130 pounds 

My weight rarely stands still 

It's constantly fluctuating 

Up and down 

But I was equally sick at all weights 

I remnember when I was in treatment 

People seemed to think that it was ok to pass remarks about your weight 

And of course the classic: You don't look like you have an ED

I finally found a good answer to that statement 

You don't look like you are depressed/anxious/suicidal 

It's the only way to deal with such comments 

I really felt for Isabella

She said she felt disgusting at the weight she is now 

Even though she was beautiful and articulate 

She felt like a big fat failure

I know this feeling 

When I was at my highest weight 

I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin

So disconnected from my body 

It didn't portray the way I felt on the inside 

To the world I was of a healthy weight

My eyes were bright 

My hair shiny

My skin with a healthy glow 

But on the inside 

I was dying

My outside did not match my inside 

I felt  so confused 

As it is Eating Disorders Awareness Week

I think it's important to address these issues 

And talk about them openly

In a lot of circles 

Bulimia is a dirty word

Anorexia gets a level of respect 

It is almost seen as tragically beautiful and romantic 

It is shocking to see an extremely underweight person 

And I think the overall feeling towards sufferers 

Is one of sympathy and pity

Bulimia on the other hand 

Is anorexias less popular cousin 

She conjours up images of greediness 

And vomit 

I mean who wants to admit that they spend a significant amount of time with their head in the toilet bowl 

Anorexia sufferers are seen an delicate, fragile 

Almost angelic 

Bulimia sufferers are seen as greedy and disgusting

And they never achieve the one thing they crave the most 

Thinness 

And that contributes to make one very miserable person

Three years ago 

I made a speech at an eating disorder conference in my towns

Mary asked me on the Tuesday

The conference was on the Thursday

Coincidentally 

I had written out my story the previous week

I wrote it thinking that no one would ever read it

It was honest and raw

I remember showing it to my Dad

And he said to read it out 

That is was perfect 

So 

That day 

I read out my story out in front of a ballroom full of professionals, sufferers and families 

I was beyond nervous 

My mother also spoke at this conference 

And we both got great feedback 

I remember Mary giving me a big hug 

And telling me she was proud of me

It was an amazing thing to do 

And something that makes me feel proud when I think about it 

I almost felt like it was my duty and responsibility to speak for our community 

And I really wanted to do you justice 

I wanted to tell my story 

Your story 

Our story 

EDs are such secretive illness

And I felt compelled to break the silence 

And tell people what our lives are really like 

I hope I did you proud 

This EDAW

I am trying to get back on track 

After a bumpy few months

This year I clocked up 15 years in the grip of this illness

But also a year in recovery 

I am doing my level best to get and stay healthy 

I am looking for other more healthy ways to maintain my peace of mind 

A healthy mind 

And a healthy body 

It's not easy 

But then anything ever worth having isn't 

I'm not giving up 

I have too much to lose 

Too much to look forward to 

For the first time in a long time 

I feel hopeful 

I feel there is a life for me beyond my ED and addiction

I'm not giving in 

Not yet

Not ever

Monday

Busy morning this morning

Doctor as usual first thing

On my way in 

I pass The Plumbers house 

In fact I pass his house at least twice a day

This morning he was just pulling out as I passed 

And was then directly behind me

I fought the urge to give him the finger 

And make rude gestures in the rear view mirror 

Thankfully 

He turned off at the next road

I think he has a new girlfriend though 

Because often when I pass 

There is a sporty little number parked outside his house 

My sister says it looks like a hairdressers car

How she works that out I'm not sure 

I'm not stalking them or anything 

I just happen to be an observant person...ahem

Anyway 

Enough about them 

Good luck to them 

They make a good team

She can cut his hair

And he can service her pipes

A match made inheaven

It was short and sweet today at the doctors

Just the way I like it 

I told him briefly about the horses

He told me he had forgotten to ring his sister for her birthday yesterday

I was out by 9 10am

And in the pharmacy waiting for my script at 9 15am

It's hard to believe that I've been going to my doctor for over ten years now 

Every Monday morning at the same time 

Same place

Same routine 

My weekly trips trips to the doctor have nothing to do with my ED

It's because I am on a methadone programme

They can't prescribe more than a week at a time 

As it is a controlled drug

And by rights 

I should be drug tested every week 

But my doctor rarely does this 

In a way 

It's good thing to have this appointment every week

It keeps me on the straight and narrow

It keeps me accountable 

And God knows I need that 

After collecting my script

I headed back to the surgery

I nipped in to the bathroom 

To take my meds 

Then took a seat outside Bredas waiting room 

As I had an appointment with her at 9 30am

A couple of minutes later 

Breda arrived 

And I followed her in to her room

I haven't seen her in a good few weeks

So filled her in in all that has been happening 

The job 

The meetings 

The horse riding 

She said things seemed to be steady at the moment 

The only thing that I need to tackle is my purging 

And my physical health 

Which is still not great 

Breda asked me if I would be willing to take a supplement drink 

Like Ensure

Just to help build up my reserves 

I said I would think about it

But I'm not all that keen 

I would rather eat my calories 

But

If I have to I will 

I feel like I still haven't fully bounced back after my latest bout of pancreatitis back in December

I still get really tired easily

Weak

Dizzy

Every day activities are a struggle 

Even walking my dogs takes massive effort 

And that is not like me

Because I am more active now

I'm aware that I need more sustenance 

More energy

More fuel in the tank 

Purging is still a problem

And I'm sure it is contributing to my feeling so off colour

So 

A lot of work done 

But still more to do

I am trying to hold steady as far as my weight is concerned 

I haven't lost anything recently 

And my BMI hovers around 17

Not too low

But still not healthy either

The thing is to try and not lose any more ground 

Breda talks a lot about having a strong foundation

She compared it to a building 

A building won't stand 

Unless it has a solid base

In order to stay standing 

It needs a strong foundation

And once the foundation is stabilised 

You can add in more structures as you need them 

I like this analogy 

As all too often 

I have tried to stand my building on a crumbling foundation

And of course it all falls down in that case

But I feel like my building is beginning to tAke shape 

My foundation is solid 

And my life is coming together 

Now I just need to maintain things 

Which is always the hard part for me 

Breda asked me about using 

And if I get cravings 

I can't lie 

I do get the odd craving 

Lately I've been getting kind of flash backs back to the start of my using 

I used to go to Dublin with my boyfriend and his friends 

We staying in a flat in the north inner city 

I actually have good memories of that time 

I was using 

But I was not yet addicted 

I was just starting to take heroin

And I felt like my mind was opening 

I felt like I was so connected to my boyfriend and the others in the flat

Of course 

This was the honey moon stage of my addiction

The part where everything seems great 

And you get lured in 

It doesn't last long 

Once you become physically addicted 

You can kiss goodbye to any semblance of a normal life 

And the nightmare begins 

I still get cravings 

I still have moments where I think that using seems like a good idea

But I'm able to ride it out 

I know it will pass 

If I just hold on

I do have a lot of drug dreams 

They are anxiety dreams 

Where I'm trying to find drugs 

But I can't get to them 

They are always the same 

Same situation

Same people 

And usually in the dream I start smoking again too

It's always a relief to wake up

Breda also asked me about things at home 

And how I was getting on there 

My home life is good at the moment 

It's me 

My Mam

And my sister 

I love living here 

Love living with my family 

And of course Honey and Lea 

I am in no rush to move out 

I know I would be lonely if I was on my own 

It would be good to have my own space 

But I would rather live with someone 

Than be on my own

I mean 

I have every independence here 

I can do my own thing 

I can live my own life 

But I still have the support of my family 

God knows I need that 

Plus 

Financially speaking 

It would not make much sense to maintain another house 

I am very lucky to be in my situation

I'm lucky to have the support I have 

But still have my independence 

So I won't be changing my living arrangements any time soon 

Also 

I wouldn't like to uproot the dogs 

They are so settled here 

I'd hate to upset them 

I can just imagine if I had my own place 

I would be taking in every stray dog and cat in the county 

So yes

I'll be staying out for now 

I finished up with Breda 

And headed back to the car to meet Mum

We did some shopping 

Before going back home 

These days 

I am most definitely a morning person 

Up until I began to recover 

I was a real night owl

I loved the night 

Loved that all the fun happened then 

That all the mischief and naughtiness happened then

During my addiction 

There was a long period of time 

When I slept all day 

And got up in the evening 

And went to bed in the morning 

I didn't see day light for months 

But now 

Things have changed markedly 

I love to rise early 

Walk the dogs 

Go shopping 

And other bits and bobs that I need to do 

Some days 

I have everything done by 11am

I hate sleeping in 

And I get really annoyed with myself if I do 

This has to do with the fact that I have a fear of not being able to sleep at night 

So I get up early to tire myself out 

So I will definitely sleep that night 

My fear of not sleeping stems back to my addiction 

During my using 

I had some desperate nights where I couldn't sleep

And was sick and in withdrawal if I had no drugs 

Those nights were endless 

So lonely 

So painful 

I am loathe if that will ever happen again

And everything seems worse at night 

There were some nights that I thought would never end 

And I would cry with relief when morning broke 

Now I do everything in my power to make sure that I do sleep at night 

I guess it's kind of a phobia of sorts 

Thankfully 

I have put those days behind me now

And i am eternally grateful for that 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

Are you a night person?

Or a morning person?

Why do you think you are this way?

What do you do to ensure you get a good nights sleep?

Are you like me and fear not being able to sleep? 

Inquiring minds want to know.....

Ana - Lilac Sheer

 This week
I was contacted by a singer/song writer called Lilac Sheer
Lilac has written a song called Ana, to promote awareness for eating disorders
You can check out Lilacs beautiful song by clicking Ana below
The follow up video Ana - Behind the scenes, reveals Lilacs own personal journey through anorexia and bulimia

Through Lilacs work
She learned of a common infatuation with the art of Japanese Manga amongst ED sufferers
Lilac sees animation as a tool for bringing the subject of eating disorders forward in a relatable way on one hand, yet a non sugar coated, non apologetic manner on the other, while using the artform in a productive way

I though the song and video were great
Especially to open the lines of communication about EDs with younger teens and children
Eating disorders are complex illness
So anything that makes the subject easier to tackle and explain
I hope you enjoyed the song as much as I did

Here


Ana

Gaining......in all areas

Because things are improving again

And I feel like I am getting back on track

Back in a recovery frame of mind

I have to accept that weight restoration goes along with that 

I can't recover and maintain a low body weight 

When I saw Mary yesterday 

She asked me to get rid of my scales

But to continue to weigh once a week

In a pharmacy or where ever I can

As she is not going to weigh me any more 

I have a couple of issues about weighing in a pharmacy 

First, it's such a public place to do such an intimate thing 

I would be mortified

And second

As a rule

I weigh with no clothes on

And go by that 

I can't do that in a store

Well I guess I could 

But I would probably be arrested for indecent exposure

I've got this far in my life without a criminal record

I don't want to acquire one now 

So no

I won't be doing that 

I think I will just keep my scales and weigh once a week on them

I weighed this morning 

And I had gained almost two pounds 

At first I wasn't fussed

As Mary always says 

A kilo either way can be fluid or feaces 

But I as I went about my day

It began to get to me 

Anorexia had a right go at me

Calling me fat

Ugly 

Useless 

Worthless 

I looked in the mirror 

And could almost see where those two pounds had gone 

But this is the thing 

It's a choice 

I can either be underweight 

And miserable 

And sick 

And depressed

Or I can gain a little weight 

And have the opportunity to really live my life 

Be healthy 

Happy 

I think back to a few short months ago

When my weight was healthy

I used to think back then

If I only could lose some weight 

Then I would be happy 

Of course I did lose weight 

And I liked the way my clothes hung off me like I was a human coat hanger 

I liked that I could slip in to size 4 clothes 

That I had to roll down the tops of my jeans so they wouldn't fall down

I liked that people commented that I had lost weight 

But along with the weight loss

I began to lose my peace of mind 

I couldn't enjoy my new size

As my family and others were worried about me 

What good is a thin body

If you are unwell

If you are miserable 

Now that I am two stone lighter

Am I any happier?

To be honest 

I don't really think so 

It's different 

But not better 

The only difference is that I now take up less space 

Nothing more 

I don't know about you

But I don't go about my day

Judging people because of their weight 

It just doesn't come in to it

People come in all shapes and sizes 

But really it doesn't matter 

Who a person is 

Has nothing to do with what they look like 

Or what they weigh 

It's not about their body 

It s about their heart 

Their mind 

Their personality 

And I'm thinking if I'm not judging anyone else 

There are hardly many people judging me either 

I mean come on

Life is too short to worry about a few extra pounds 

And God knows I can afford to put on a few measly pounds 

One thing that can keep us locked in to our illness 

Is labels 

When you are diagnosed 

You are given the title of anorectic or bulimic 

You are told you have an eating disorder 

You might be declared underweight 

And you will be told you are unwell

And sick 

If you suffer with an ED for any extended

Period of time 

You be accustomed to being the sick one 

The ill one 

The underweight one 

People might treat you differently 

More gently 

With more compassion and empathy 

There may even be 'ED perks'

It may be very unpopular to write about this 

But there are benefits to having an ED 

Otherwise 

Why would we do it?

But the thing is 

When you are put in to an ED shaped box 

It's very hard to break out 

And find a new identity 

I can remember talking about this in treatment 

Who would I be without my ED?

Who is Ruby?

What is she all about?

Is there more to her than anorexia and bulimia? 

Being the sick one 

No one expects very much from you

You are ill 

So allowances are made

With recovery and wellness 

Comes responsibility 

When you are no longer the sick one 

You might be treated differently 

People might expect more 

So often 

It is preferable to stay unwell

And hang on to your ED

I've had glimpses of recovery 

Of what my life could be like 

To find new and healthy labels 

Or maybe no labels at all

Maybe I'll just be Ruby the girl 

The daughter 

The sister 

The auntie 

The doggy mama 

The writer 

The horse rider 

I can wear many or all of these hats 

But I don't have to be defined by any of them 

And I can break out of the ED box and world that I lived in

Of course 

This transition is not easy 

Change is hard 

Recovery is tricky 

But it is possible 

It is doable 

And it will be so worth it 

It's something that we won't regret 

So let's do it 

Let's not waste another day, week, month, year on an illness that just wants us dead 

Let's fight for a better life 

For a future

And a life beyond our ED 

I'm just not willing to live within the restraints of this illness anymore 

It's suffocating me 

It's boring me

It's draining the very life out of me 

We don't have to do it alone 

We have each other 

And if there is one thing this community does well

It's supporting each other

Are you with me?

I cant here you 

Are you with me?????

On the mend...

Apologies for not posting as much 

Or as frequently

Or as consistently lately 

I guess it's a good thing though

As it means my real life is full and busy

And I don't have time to blog as much

This week has been busy to say the least

Appointments

Three meetings 

Horse riding 

It's all good right now

I slept like a log last night

And woke up this morning

Still wrecked 

And my legs

Man my legs are in such pain today

All along the inside and outside of my thighs

I feel like a did a strenuous exercise class 

It's sore 

But it's a good feeling

And the tiredness is a good feeling too

It feels like I've been active and energetic 

And that makes a rest feel well earned 

I've been on a high since my first session horse riding yesterday

I feel dare I say it, happy..

Uplifted 

Re-energised 

Re-invigorated

And it feels amazing  

To find something that I love to do is huge progress for me

I've always loved animals 

And did a bit of horse riding over the years 

I feel like it's something I can really throw myself in to 

And even though it's an hour away

And a bit of an effort to get there 

It's so worth it to go

As I get so much out of it

I had my breakfast this morning

And headed out with the dogs 

When I got back

I sat down with a cup of tea 

And promptly fell asleep 

I woke up just in time to get to the local lunch time meeting 

Even though it would have been so nice to stay asleep

I know I need my meetings right now

And what a lovely meeting it was 

Food for the soul 

And peace of mind for the brain

After the meeting 

I went food shopping 

And then on to the village to see Mary

It was so great to tell her about all the good things that have happened this last couple of weeks

I could see it in her eyes

She was delighted 

Mary always says that it's funny the way things happen 

My Mum coming in to the session last week

The horse riding 

Meetings 

She always says that success breeds success

And she is so right 

One good thing leads to another

And so on

And so on.....

I feel like I have so much more energy now

And feel more positive 

It feels like anything is possible 

Recovery 

Work 

Friends 

Hobbies 

It's all there for me

I just have to reach out and grab it

Of course

Life 

Recovery is not straight forward

I still have a lot of work to do

My food has improved, yes

But the purging is proving difficult to knock on the head 

I just have to keep trying

And hopefully I will get there 

All in all

Things are heading in the right direction

And I feel like if this can all happen in one week

Then what else can happen if I continue to persue recovery?

There are a few other exciting things happening in relation to Eating Disorders Awareness Week

Which I will get to next week 

And am super excited about 

So until tomorrow my friends....

Horse therapy

Today was the day that I've been waiting for all week

My first session of horse therapy

As you know 

I am a huge animal lover 

Especially dogs and donkeys and horses

So I was super excited to go horse riding today

My appointment was at 1pm

So my sister and I left the house at about 11 30am

As we had to stop in town on the way 

We both did our bits and bobs 

Then went for a cuppa and a sausage roll

I always thought that I didn't like sausage rolls

But dipped in tomato sauce

It was moorish and delicious 

We finished up

And as I was heading out of the coffee shop

I ran in to a guy from the meetings and his dog

We chatted for a couple of minutes 

Before making our way back to the car 

We gave ourselves an hour to get to the stables 

Just in case we got lost

Which was very possible given our basic instructions 

In the end 

It wasn't too hard to find 

In fact you couldn't miss it

It was a huge house 

With a stables beside it

It was a beautiful bright and clear day

So the whole set up looked amazing

So green

So peaceful and tranquil 

We parked and I headed for the big barn

A pretty dark haired lady greeted me

And said she would be with me in a few minutes 

My sister and I took the opportunity to walk around

Get our bearings

And pet some of the horses

Then another girl came over to talk to us 

She was really friendly

And we were made feel so welcome

About ten minutes later 

They were ready for me 

I changed in to my wellies 

And followed the lady to the stables

She introduced me to Star the pony

Who would be my pony for the session

He was a handsome fella

White with brown patches 

Who apparently liked to bite people 

We brought Star in to the arena

My sister stayed well back as she is afraid of horses

The girls joked that they were going to put her up on the biggest, maddest horse they had

My sister nearly lost her life!

I was able to get on the horse straight away 

Which was awesome

I felt comfortable 

No fear at all

The girl led us around 

Giving me time to get used to the horse 

It felt amazing to be riding 

And soon 

We began to move quicker

And we started to trot

There is a kind of rise and fall rhythm to trotting 

At first I couldn't get in to it 

But after a few minutes 

It began to feel natural

And I didn't have to think about it 

The girls were really encouraging 

And said I was a natural

Which was lovely to hear 

We walked and trotted for the next half hour 

I felt so comfortable

So at home 

And was sad when our time was up

It flew by

And I just wanted to do more and more 

The  two girls taking the session were lovely 

So welcoming and patient  

I haven't felt such happiness for a long time 

After the session 

We had a little chat

And I asked the girls how often I should come 

The said every week is ideal

In order to continue to make progress

They also asked me if I would like to join a group

As they could leave me on my own then

I said I'd love to do that 

So made an appointment for next Wednesday morning with the group

Who are MS sufferers

And the best part was 

This only costs me €15 a session

I mean that's for nothing!!

Anyway

Less words

More pictures....

Quick question

I really want to revamp my blog

The layout

The design

I'm sick to my back teeth looking at the photo of myself on the title of my blog

I don't want anything fancy

Just clean

Easy to read

And understand 

Simple

Yet classy

This is where you come in

I am something of a technophobe

So I was wondering if you could help me restyle my blog

Can you recommend any sites to build my blog?

Where did you get your design?

Do you have any tips on designing my blog?

Any short cuts?

Any help is much appreciated

Thanking you in advance....