Monday 29 February 2016

'Tell me why I don't like Mondays'

I can't quite believe how quickly the weeks are flying in
Monday seems to come around so very quickly
The days can be long 
But they don't be long adding up
As usual
I was in the doctors first thing this morning
Today
Topics included
The Oscars
Making films 
Horses and how my doctor is afraid of them 
Last week 
It being EDAW
I told my doctor that I would bring him in something to read 
The something being the piece I wrote for the ED convention back in 2013
So I gave him said piece 
And told him it was something to read on his coffee break
He seemed excited to read it 
I don't know why I haven't given it to him before now 
I guess that piece is precious to me 
And my doctor being an avid reader 
I was worried about what he would think of it and my writing 
I haven't let many people read it
I mean yes
I read it out at the convention
And I have it up in my blog 
But they are strangers 
Letting people I know read it is another matter 
But anyway 
He has it now 
I'll be interested to see what he makes of it
From a medical point of view 
And from a literary point of view 
He took it from me 
And placed it beside his computer
As I left 
It was all I could do not to reach across him and snatch it back
And run out of the room
But 
I think it might give him an insight in to the mind of a person with an ED
I mean of course he knows the medical side of things 
And I guess that's his job 
The head and mind stuff is up to the psych team 
Anyway 
He has it now 
It will be I interesting to see what he makes of it next week

After my weekly dose of doctor 
I headed up to the pharmacy 
Handed over my script 
Then decided to head over to the bank to see how little money I have for the week
I checked my balance 
Which was just enough to see me through the next few days 
Then began walking back to the pharmacy 
It was a bitterly cold morning 
With a sharp wind
I pulled my coat around me 
And took my gloves out of my pocket 
As I fought the wind 
And tried to put my gloves on 
I managed to drop one 
And it being a windy day
It took off down the street
I had no choice but to run after it
Every time I got close to it
It was whipped out of my grasp by the wind 
It was a wild goose chase
There I was sprinting down the street after my wayward glove
I got quite a few funny looks
Eventually 
I made a huge leap
Like an Olympic long jumper
And landed on the glove 
Feeling very pleased with myself that I had managed to catch it

In other news
I am getting my next piercing done on Friday 
My sister is going to come with me
And I am super excited!
I am think that getting my labret pierced is going to be much more painful than my nose 
But I am ready for it 
And anyway
The pain only lasts a second 
So I will pull up my big girl pants 
And suck it up
But I am really looking forward to getting it done
It's like buying a new item of clothing 
Something to make me feel good about myself 
My poor Mother is horrified at the prospect of another piercing 
She pleads with me not to get it done 
I tell her she will get used to it 
Just like my nose 
She said that she tolerates my nose ring at best 
Like a typical mother 
She says to me 
'You're going to ruin your beautiful face'
But I feel it will enhance my face 
And make for an interesting feature to my face 
Like a feature wall in a living room
Or something to that effect

I am becoming increasingly worried about my teeth 
As you know 
I had a lot of very labour intensive and expensive work done on my teeth last year 
And because my purging has increased again in recent months 
I fear my teeth may fall in to ruin
Just like my real teeth did
Every time I purge 
I promise myself that this will be the last time 
But it never is 
I continue to purge 
To put my body under huge stress
And my teeth being washed with stomach acid 
Every time I throw up
It's a worry
And a huge incentive to stop purging
But like any addiction
It's nigh on impossible to stop
I need to do it though 
Before it damn well kills me 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
If you have experienced bulimia
What helped you to stop purging?
How did you stop?
And how did you stay stopped?
Any tips or advice much appreciated....

Friday 26 February 2016

Storm in a C cup and other stories.....

Remember back when I got my chest measured properly in a proper bra shop?
My first time ever to be correctly measured
And Remember I was told I was a 34 DD?
And I could barely believe it
Remember how I bought two very grown up proper bras?
And I was quite proud of my assets
Well
Said bras no longer fit me 
Which makes me sad
Why is it 
That when ever I lose weight
I lose if from the areas that need it most 
My boobs
My bum 
And always lose it from places that I don't want to
Like my face 
Id say I am now a 32 C 
Going by how the bras fit 
I've also been going through my wardrobe
And trying on clothes to see what fits 
And what doesn't
I have so many lovely items 
That are now way too big for me
And that is a damn shame 
As well as an incentive to gain a little 
My weight has stayed static for the last month 
I've neither lost nor gained 
And my BMI hovers around the same number 
But the truth is 
I can afford to gain a few kilos 
And still be pretty slim 
Weight loss just isn't important at the moment 

I rang my local piercing studio today
To inquire about getting my labret done 
The piercer is only there on a Friday 
So I'm going to go for it 
I think it's time 
Time for another piercing 
I love my nose ring 
I think it adds something interesting to my face 
My Mum hates it
And is pleading with me not to get another one 
But it's falling on deaf ears 
I just really want to get it done 
I also inquired about getting wings tattooed on my shoulder blades
The girl I spoke to estimated it would cost around €300
So I won't be getting that done any time soon
But 
It's something to think about 
And to look forward to

For me 
Recovery is finding healthy ways to meet the needs that drugs met
Relaxation
Confidence 
Self esteem 
Fun 
Escapism 
All the things that drugs provide 
For a while at least
So I guess my meetings 
Horse riding 
Writing 
And my dogs 
All fulfil these needs 
And even better than drugs and alcohol and my ED did
And of course 
The fun thing is
That I can find more and more activities to make me feel content and happy
I can try new things 
Learn new things 
Meet new people 
The possibilities are endless!
Recovery means freedom
Free from the chains that my ED and addiction held me in
It means feeling free to eat 
To enjoy it
And to keep it down 
Recovery means eating until I am full
Not over or under eating
It means allowing myself to eat a rich and varied diet 
And not feel guilty 
Recovery means allowing my body to find its own natural set point 
And not constantly trying to lose weight and be smaller 
Recovery means peace of mind 
Contentment 
Serenity
It means I am enough 
Just the way I am
Not looking for others approval 
It means knowing that I am a good person
And I am doing the best that I can
Recovery means really living life 
Laughing until you cry 
Late nights watching movies with my mum and sister 
It means eating food At the table 
And having a conversation 
Recovery means feeling the fear and doing it anyway 
And knowing that I will feel great afterwards 
It means being happy in my own company 
But being sociable when I want to 
It means helping others through my story and my writing 
It means passing on recovery to others 
And sharing what helps 
And what works 
Recovery means asking for help when we need it
Talking it out over a cuppa and a slice of cake
It means feeling good enough
And not lesser or better than anyone else 
It means finding things that you love 
Work 
Hobbies 
Pets 
Whatever that may be 
Recovery means choosing to live

With all that said 
I was wondering about you
What does recovery mean to you?
Are you in recovery?
Is it everything you thought it would be?
What are the best and worst parts about recovery
Answers on a postcard please.....

Thursday 25 February 2016

'We never go out of style'

When it comes to clothes and shoes and accessories 
I like to think that I have my own little style going on
As you know
I am a hoody, jeans and trainers type of girl 
I am partial to a little skirt or dress from time to time 
 But most of the time 
I wear whatever feels right for that day
Comfort is the number one thing for me 
If I'm not comfortable in an item
I won't wear it
But these days 
It's a lot easier to be true to your own style and be comfortable 
I remember growing up in my teenage years 
Trying to find out what I was all about 
Who I was 
And how I fit in to the world amongst my peers 
I tried all sorts of styles 
Urban hippy 
Gothic
Preppy 
But I never felt comfortable in any of them
Then of course came the drug years 
So clothes were not on my radar at all 
It was only when I got clean
That I began to express an interest in clothes and how I looked 
For the first time in my life
I began to care about how I presented myself to the world 
What sort of message I was conveying through my clothes and appearance 
I discovered that I liked the surfer look
Cool hoodies 
Boyfriend jeans 
And different types of trainers 
Even though I have never in my life even touched a surf board 
I still love the style 
It's laid back 
Colourful 
And above all
Comfortable 

Foot wear is the same too
Comfort is paramount 
I a size 5 
Pretty average for my height 
I tend to wear mostly flats 
And only wear heels on a special occasion 
I love trainers 
Roxy being my favourite 
I also love Toms 
Which are little canvas slipons 
Great for the dry warm weather of summer 
I also love New Balance trainers 
Which are very popular at the moment 

The nearest good shopping town  to me is a couple of hours away
Our town has really sufferered as a result of the recession 
So many shops have closed down 
In some parts 
It's like a ghost town
So
Most of the time 
I do my shopping online 
As it's just so handy 
These days I can't afford many new clothes 
But I'm always on the look out for a good bargain

I'm not really a jewellery person 
But I do like silver 
And have a beautiful cameo pendant that my Dad gave me for my birthday one year
I used to wear a ring on every finger
Now I don't wear any 
Not even a watch 
I just don't like the feel of it
And I inevitably end up losing it also
I am not really in to perfume either 
I mean I like a nice scent 
But it's not something I would ever buy for myself 
I do like a pretty scarf 
But in regard to make up
I am hopeless with it
I don't wear it very often 
Mans when I do 
It is often applied badly 
It's something that I would love to learn more about 
To be able to make the most of my face 
Some people are great at that 
I however, am somewhat handicapped in that area
Hair 
I am hating my hair at the moment 
I am thinking about dyeing it a nice chestnut brown 
Or else going for a really cropped blonde look
I just feel like something different 
A change 
To shake things up a bit

With all that said 
I was wondering about you
Are you a dedicated follower of fashion?
How would you describe your style?
What are your go to outfits?
What else do you do to enhance your appearance?
Inquiring minds want to know....


Wednesday 24 February 2016

Star

I'm just on my way home from my second horse riding lesson
I've been looking forward to it all week
My Mum drove today
The morning was frosty 
So we had to take a bit of a detour to get to the stables
The lesson was at 11 30am
So we left out house at 10 15am
And arrived just in time 
I was in with a group this week 
As opposed to last week
When it was a one on one session
Before we got saddled up
My Mum and I took a little walk around 
There was a beautiful miniature horse
I completely forgot to take a photo of him 
But he was just adorable 
Then it was my turn 
I was riding Star again today 
He is fast becoming my bestie
This week we mostly trotted 
And I was let go on my own 
I felt more confident this week 
It is just so enjoyable 
And there is a lovely atmosphere there 
People come 
And leave their troubles at the door
Have the craic
And forget about real life for a while 
was a bit quieter today 
I always am around new people 
But I tried my best to be sociable and pleasant 
I'm hoping as I do more sessions 
That my confidence will grow 
Both around people 
And around the horses

Having something to look forward to 
Makes a huge difference to my whole world 
With out something you enjoy
What is the point of life?
And we make a day of it on a Wednesday 
After horse riding 
We go in to town
And go for something to eat 
Or do some shopping 
As I was leaving the stables today
Ailish, the lady in charge 
Said that if I ever want to hang around for a couple of hours
I can help them around the stables
I was delighted to hear this 
As it's something I would just love to do
Spending time with horses?
I don't need to be asked twice 
And now the weather is improving a bit 
It makes it a lot easier 
That's another thing to look forward to

It seems like things are beginning to fall in to place for me
I can remember as recently as Christmas feeling so very lost
I just didn't know where I was going 
Or what I was doing 
I remember my Mum saying to me one day 
That I looked like a lost soul
They was exactly the way I felt 
But now 
Now things are starting to turn around for me
Slowly but surely
As usual 
My bulimia is holding me back 
If I could just get the purging under control
I might have a fighting chance
I feel like I have a lot to live for now 
I'm building my own little life 
Doing my own little thing 
I used to always wait for people to suggest things 
Like going swimming 
Or going in to town 
I didn't have the confidence to do my own thing 
As I didn't think it counted if I suggested it 
I didn't think my opinion it thoughts mattered 
I guess being the youngest of four
I have always just fallen in with my older siblings 
And did what they did 
Now that I am fully grown adult 
The habits of a life time are hard to change 
I still tend to follow their lead 
But more and more 
I am finding my own occupation
My own hobbies and interests 
My own life 

Breda often speaks to me about self care 
You know 
Doing things for yourself 
To mind yourself 
To care for yourself 
Things you enjoy 
I am just starting to see how important that is now
Because now I have my own little thing going on
I have the horse riding 
My upcoming job
And meetings 
The last time I went to meetings 
I kind of depended on one person
If they were going to the meeting 
I would go 
But if they weren't 
I wouldn't go either
This time I'm trying to mix with many people 
So I'm not tied to the one person
And it feels so much better not to be dependent on anyone 
I go to my meetings 
I talk to everyone 
I go out of my way to speak to people who I usually wouldn't meet 
I suggest other meetings to go to
Next Monday
Myself and two of the ladies are going to a lunch time meeting up north
So I'm looking forward to that too

As I type this 
I am sitting in a car park outside a supermarket 
Waiting for my Mum who has gone to the bank
I feel content 
Satisfied 
I feel like I did something really good for myself today 
Something I enjoyed 
And is food for the soul 
I feel happy that I got out of the house 
That I got up early
Walked the dogs 
Got dressed
And headed to the equestrian centre 
Now I am heading home 
And I feel a warm glow inside
And that my friends
Is priceless...



Tuesday 23 February 2016

Not giving in....

I watched an episode of Dr. Phil this morning
We were introduced to 15 year old Isabella and her mother 
Isabella had bulimia 
And also OCD
She blamed her illness in the fact that her mother mocked her for being slightly over weight 
And not exercising 
Isabella confessed to bingeing and purging multiple times a day 
She stole food
Used laxatives 
And was generally very low and depressed
The thing that bothered her most of all though 
Was the fact that she wasn't underweight
She was a healthy 120 pounds 
And she felt that people didn't think she was that bad 
Because she looked ok
She seemed healthy 
People presumed that because she wasn't severely underweight 
Then it couldn't be that serious 
Isabella was in a lot of distress
She spoke through sobs of tears
And felt bitter anger towards her mother
Incidentally 
Her mother also suffered from anorexia/bulimia when she was 15
You would think she would be more sympathetic 
But she just wasn't 

I can totally understand Isabella's pain 
It is a huge myth that every one who has an ED is underweight 
In fact most people suffering with an ED are of a perfectly healthy weight 
This can be confusing 
As we are all used to the images of anorexia 
Emaciated bodies 
With protruding bones 
And sunken cheeks 
The extreme pictures of desperately underweight people 
But in reality 
Those with an ED are more often than not 
In the healthy range 
Weight wise 
I know myself 
I've been every weight from 77 pounds to  130 pounds 
My weight rarely stands still 
It's constantly fluctuating 
Up and down 
But I was equally sick at all weights 

I remnember when I was in treatment 
People seemed to think that it was ok to pass remarks about your weight 
And of course the classic: You don't look like you have an ED
I finally found a good answer to that statement 
You don't look like you are depressed/anxious/suicidal 
It's the only way to deal with such comments 

I really felt for Isabella
She said she felt disgusting at the weight she is now 
Even though she was beautiful and articulate 
She felt like a big fat failure
I know this feeling 
When I was at my highest weight 
I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin
So disconnected from my body 
It didn't portray the way I felt on the inside 
To the world I was of a healthy weight
My eyes were bright 
My hair shiny
My skin with a healthy glow 
But on the inside 
I was dying
My outside did not match my inside 
I felt  so confused 

As it is Eating Disorders Awareness Week
I think it's important to address these issues 
And talk about them openly
In a lot of circles 
Bulimia is a dirty word
Anorexia gets a level of respect 
It is almost seen as tragically beautiful and romantic 
It is shocking to see an extremely underweight person 
And I think the overall feeling towards sufferers 
Is one of sympathy and pity
Bulimia on the other hand 
Is anorexias less popular cousin 
She conjours up images of greediness 
And vomit 
I mean who wants to admit that they spend a significant amount of time with their head in the toilet bowl 
Anorexia sufferers are seen an delicate, fragile 
Almost angelic 
Bulimia sufferers are seen as greedy and disgusting
And they never achieve the one thing they crave the most 
Thinness 
And that contributes to make one very miserable person

Three years ago 
I made a speech at an eating disorder conference in my towns
Mary asked me on the Tuesday
The conference was on the Thursday
Coincidentally 
I had written out my story the previous week
I wrote it thinking that no one would ever read it
It was honest and raw
I remember showing it to my Dad
And he said to read it out 
That is was perfect 
So 
That day 
I read out my story out in front of a ballroom full of professionals, sufferers and families 
I was beyond nervous 
My mother also spoke at this conference 
And we both got great feedback 
I remember Mary giving me a big hug 
And telling me she was proud of me
It was an amazing thing to do 
And something that makes me feel proud when I think about it 
I almost felt like it was my duty and responsibility to speak for our community 
And I really wanted to do you justice 
I wanted to tell my story 
Your story 
Our story 
EDs are such secretive illness
And I felt compelled to break the silence 
And tell people what our lives are really like 
I hope I did you proud 

This EDAW
I am trying to get back on track 
After a bumpy few months
This year I clocked up 15 years in the grip of this illness
But also a year in recovery 
I am doing my level best to get and stay healthy 
I am looking for other more healthy ways to maintain my peace of mind 
A healthy mind 
And a healthy body 
It's not easy 
But then anything ever worth having isn't 
I'm not giving up 
I have too much to lose 
Too much to look forward to 
For the first time in a long time 
I feel hopeful 
I feel there is a life for me beyond my ED and addiction
I'm not giving in 
Not yet
Not ever

Monday 22 February 2016

Monday

Busy morning this morning
Doctor as usual first thing
On my way in 
I pass The Plumbers house 
In fact I pass his house at least twice a day
This morning he was just pulling out as I passed 
And was then directly behind me
I fought the urge to give him the finger 
And make rude gestures in the rear view mirror 
Thankfully 
He turned off at the next road
I think he has a new girlfriend though 
Because often when I pass 
There is a sporty little number parked outside his house 
My sister says it looks like a hairdressers car
How she works that out I'm not sure 
I'm not stalking them or anything 
I just happen to be an observant person...ahem
Anyway 
Enough about them 
Good luck to them 
They make a good team
She can cut his hair
And he can service her pipes
A match made inheaven

It was short and sweet today at the doctors
Just the way I like it 
I told him briefly about the horses
He told me he had forgotten to ring his sister for her birthday yesterday
I was out by 9 10am
And in the pharmacy waiting for my script at 9 15am
It's hard to believe that I've been going to my doctor for over ten years now 
Every Monday morning at the same time 
Same place
Same routine 
My weekly trips trips to the doctor have nothing to do with my ED
It's because I am on a methadone programme
They can't prescribe more than a week at a time 
As it is a controlled drug
And by rights 
I should be drug tested every week 
But my doctor rarely does this 
In a way 
It's good thing to have this appointment every week
It keeps me on the straight and narrow
It keeps me accountable 
And God knows I need that 

After collecting my script
I headed back to the surgery
I nipped in to the bathroom 
To take my meds 
Then took a seat outside Bredas waiting room 
As I had an appointment with her at 9 30am
A couple of minutes later 
Breda arrived 
And I followed her in to her room
I haven't seen her in a good few weeks
So filled her in in all that has been happening 
The job 
The meetings 
The horse riding 
She said things seemed to be steady at the moment 
The only thing that I need to tackle is my purging 
And my physical health 
Which is still not great 
Breda asked me if I would be willing to take a supplement drink 
Like Ensure
Just to help build up my reserves 
I said I would think about it
But I'm not all that keen 
I would rather eat my calories 
But
If I have to I will 
I feel like I still haven't fully bounced back after my latest bout of pancreatitis back in December
I still get really tired easily
Weak
Dizzy
Every day activities are a struggle 
Even walking my dogs takes massive effort 
And that is not like me
Because I am more active now
I'm aware that I need more sustenance 
More energy
More fuel in the tank 
Purging is still a problem
And I'm sure it is contributing to my feeling so off colour
So 
A lot of work done 
But still more to do

I am trying to hold steady as far as my weight is concerned 
I haven't lost anything recently 
And my BMI hovers around 17
Not too low
But still not healthy either
The thing is to try and not lose any more ground 
Breda talks a lot about having a strong foundation
She compared it to a building 
A building won't stand 
Unless it has a solid base
In order to stay standing 
It needs a strong foundation
And once the foundation is stabilised 
You can add in more structures as you need them 
I like this analogy 
As all too often 
I have tried to stand my building on a crumbling foundation
And of course it all falls down in that case
But I feel like my building is beginning to tAke shape 
My foundation is solid 
And my life is coming together 
Now I just need to maintain things 
Which is always the hard part for me 
Breda asked me about using 
And if I get cravings 
I can't lie 
I do get the odd craving 
Lately I've been getting kind of flash backs back to the start of my using 
I used to go to Dublin with my boyfriend and his friends 
We staying in a flat in the north inner city 
I actually have good memories of that time 
I was using 
But I was not yet addicted 
I was just starting to take heroin
And I felt like my mind was opening 
I felt like I was so connected to my boyfriend and the others in the flat
Of course 
This was the honey moon stage of my addiction
The part where everything seems great 
And you get lured in 
It doesn't last long 
Once you become physically addicted 
You can kiss goodbye to any semblance of a normal life 
And the nightmare begins 
I still get cravings 
I still have moments where I think that using seems like a good idea
But I'm able to ride it out 
I know it will pass 
If I just hold on
I do have a lot of drug dreams 
They are anxiety dreams 
Where I'm trying to find drugs 
But I can't get to them 
They are always the same 
Same situation
Same people 
And usually in the dream I start smoking again too
It's always a relief to wake up

Breda also asked me about things at home 
And how I was getting on there 
My home life is good at the moment 
It's me 
My Mam
And my sister 
I love living here 
Love living with my family 
And of course Honey and Lea 
I am in no rush to move out 
I know I would be lonely if I was on my own 
It would be good to have my own space 
But I would rather live with someone 
Than be on my own
I mean 
I have every independence here 
I can do my own thing 
I can live my own life 
But I still have the support of my family 
God knows I need that 
Plus 
Financially speaking 
It would not make much sense to maintain another house 
I am very lucky to be in my situation
I'm lucky to have the support I have 
But still have my independence 
So I won't be changing my living arrangements any time soon 
Also 
I wouldn't like to uproot the dogs 
They are so settled here 
I'd hate to upset them 
I can just imagine if I had my own place 
I would be taking in every stray dog and cat in the county 
So yes
I'll be staying out for now 

I finished up with Breda 
And headed back to the car to meet Mum
We did some shopping 
Before going back home 
These days 
I am most definitely a morning person 
Up until I began to recover 
I was a real night owl
I loved the night 
Loved that all the fun happened then 
That all the mischief and naughtiness happened then
During my addiction 
There was a long period of time 
When I slept all day 
And got up in the evening 
And went to bed in the morning 
I didn't see day light for months 
But now 
Things have changed markedly 
I love to rise early 
Walk the dogs 
Go shopping 
And other bits and bobs that I need to do 
Some days 
I have everything done by 11am
I hate sleeping in 
And I get really annoyed with myself if I do 
This has to do with the fact that I have a fear of not being able to sleep at night 
So I get up early to tire myself out 
So I will definitely sleep that night 
My fear of not sleeping stems back to my addiction 
During my using 
I had some desperate nights where I couldn't sleep
And was sick and in withdrawal if I had no drugs 
Those nights were endless 
So lonely 
So painful 
I am loathe if that will ever happen again
And everything seems worse at night 
There were some nights that I thought would never end 
And I would cry with relief when morning broke 
Now I do everything in my power to make sure that I do sleep at night 
I guess it's kind of a phobia of sorts 
Thankfully 
I have put those days behind me now
And i am eternally grateful for that 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
Are you a night person?
Or a morning person?
Why do you think you are this way?
What do you do to ensure you get a good nights sleep?
Are you like me and fear not being able to sleep? 
Inquiring minds want to know.....


Friday 19 February 2016

Ana - Lilac Sheer

 This week
I was contacted by a singer/song writer called Lilac Sheer
Lilac has written a song called Ana, to promote awareness for eating disorders
You can check out Lilacs beautiful song by clicking Ana below
The follow up video Ana - Behind the scenes, reveals Lilacs own personal journey through anorexia and bulimia

Through Lilacs work
She learned of a common infatuation with the art of Japanese Manga amongst ED sufferers
Lilac sees animation as a tool for bringing the subject of eating disorders forward in a relatable way on one hand, yet a non sugar coated, non apologetic manner on the other, while using the artform in a productive way

I though the song and video were great
Especially to open the lines of communication about EDs with younger teens and children
Eating disorders are complex illness
So anything that makes the subject easier to tackle and explain
I hope you enjoyed the song as much as I did

Here


Ana