Wednesday 13 April 2016

K is for Knitting!

Over the years 
I've been quite partial to a bit of knitting 
Not that I am any good mind you
For the last ten years 
My Mother and I have been trying to make a blanket 
Knitting squares of different wool
To see together to make said blanket
We have gone through phases of knitting over the years
And recently 
We have taken it up again
It's easy really 
We just knit squares of plain rows
No fancy schmancy stitches 
My repertoire does not reach beyond plain stitch 
Id say we do about an hour each a night of knitting 
We take it out when we are watching TV
Or chatting in the living room
I find it really relaxing 
And it passes the time 
Every so often I make some sort of mistake 
And have to hand it to my Mother to fix
My mothers knitting is very neat and tight
Mine is more loose and messy
But it's ok
It will give the blanket character I guess
At least that's what I'm telling myself

Here is said knitting....




Tuesday 12 April 2016

J is for Job!

As you may know
I did a job interview a few months ago
I was unsuccessful  in the position in question
But they did offer me another job
Working in the holiday centre 
From May - September 
I gladly accepted the offer 
Grateful for any type of work 
As jobs are pretty scarce around here at the moment 
I did have a few obstacles in my way though
There is a course I want to do
And also there is the question of my disability benefit 
I can legally work up to 20 hours a week
And still keep all of my benefit
Any hours after that 
My benefit is cut on a sliding scale 
It's really difficult to know what to do
And everyone has an opinion
Some think I should just work the 20 hours 
Some think I should forget about the job and do the course
And some think I should forget about the disability benefit 
And take as many hours as I can
It's a tricky one 
I know that once I take myself off disability 
It will be nigh on impossible to get it back if I need it 
I guess it's a security blanket 
But at some point
I'm going to have to grow up and let it go 
I want to work 
I do 
I guess it's a confidence thing 
I haven't worked 
And worked for someone in a long time 
My last job was teaching kids dance 
I stopped because I lost my confidence 
And just couldn't do it anymore 
I've never really regained it after that 
What I will so
I don't know yet 
But it's nice to have options 
It wasn't too long ago 
That I had no options 
No course
No job 
First world problems I guess 
But I do think work will be good for me 
For my self esteem 
Confidence 
Feeling that I am contributing 
And being a productive member of society 
I guess I will have to make a decision soon
And I will do what is right for me 
I'm just not sure which way to go....

Monday 11 April 2016

I is for Identity

I was another tricky customer
But after giving it some thought
I decided to go with Identity 
As it's something that comes up for me again and again
In my illness
And in recovery 
When I was very unwell
My whole persona revolved around both my addiction and my ED
From the age of 18
I was Ruby the drug addict
And that's a label that's hard to shake 
As along with that come the labels of liar, thief, manipulator 
They say a reputation takes years to form
But only seconds to undo
I had a reputation of being trouble
And boy did I live up to it 
Somewhere along the line
My ED began to develop
And it wasn't long until I had acquired a new label
Anorectic 
Quickly followed by bulimic
In a strange way
Once you are labelled with these titles
You feel like you have to live up to them
I knew nothing about eating disorders before I was diagnosed
I had never known anyone with one 
I had no experience at all 
My diagnosis was a complete shock 
I wasn't trying to lose weight 
I wasn't unhappy with my size
In fact more than that 
I never gave it much thought 
It wasn't until the professionals started weighing me 
That I began to take notice of the numbers 
They seemed important to them
So they became important to me
And have been the Bain of my life ever since 

After my diagnosis 
I completely identified myself by my illness 
I was no longer Ruby 
I was Ruby the sick one
And when you are sick 
People are generally very nice to you 
Very caring 
You get a special kind of attention
I know it might not be popular to say that 
But for me 
It was the truth 
I used to get a kick out people telling me that I looked unwell
That I looked pale and wan
I almost wanted people to feel sorry for me 
Why?
I'm not entirely sure 
But I do know
That once you become the sick one 
It's really very difficult to shake that label
Because being sick becomes your whole world 
If it's taken away 
What will be left?
And that's exactly what terrified me
Who would I be without my illness?
It was like my ED slowly but surely taking over my life 
My personality
My body
And without it 
I had nothing 

There comes a point in life 
When you either sink or swim
I came to that point about two years ago  
After I got out of hospital for the umpteenth time
I had to make the decision 
To recover 
Or sink further down the rabbit hole
I began to gain weight 
And get well 
It hasn't been a straight road since then 
I've been up and down and all over the place 
And had a minor relapse last year 
But 
I bounced back 
And continue to bounce back
There was a time 
Not too long ago 
That I did nothing of a day 
Apart from binge and purge 
All I did was watch TV all day 
And eat 
And throw up
I had nothing going on in my life 
No job 
No course 
No hobbies 
No interests 
It was just me and my ED
But over the last year 
I have carved out a life for myself 
Now I have a life 
I am no longer Ruby the anorectic 
I am Ruby the woman
Ruby the daughter 
Sister 
Auntie 
Dog owner
Horse rider 
Ruby the dancer 
The swimmer 
Ruby the recovering addict and anorectic 
I am
Now I am so much more than my illness 
My illness has faded in to the background 
And I  starting to live 
And love
My life 

Sunday 10 April 2016

Rest Day

Today is a break from the A - Z Challenge
So I thought I would take the opportunity to do a personal update
As I haven't done one in over a week I think
Things are ticking along nicely 
I'm going to my meetings 
Appointments 
Walking the dogs
Eating my meals 
And horse riding 
Apparently I am going to be in a dressage show next month 
Which I am super anxious about 
It's basically doing a little routine with the horse 
WAlking and trotting around an obstacle course 
I did it for the first time last week
And found it quite tricky 
Someone calls out the instructions 
And you have to be on the ball 
Listening 
And acting promptly 
Usually myself and Star are behind another horse during our lesson
And Star literally follows and copies who ever is in front of him 
But when it was just me and Star
He wasn't taking my instructions at all
He wouldn't trot for me
And he was generally doing his own little course 
And I was left practically hanging off the side of him
I asked Eilish if I was going to be ready in time for the competition
And she assured me that she wouldn't put me in the show 
If she didn't believe I could do it 
So that gave me a little boost of confidence
I have three more lessons before the show
And hopefully I can squeeze in some e yea ones too
But 
As nervous as I am 
I really want to do the show 
I think there will be lots of learning for me 
And it might help my confidence too
All I can do is my best 
As long as I do that 
That's all the matters 

In other news 
I'm feeling good at the moment 
My mood is stable 
My meds are on track
And am taking them correctly 
I'm attending meetings twice a week
I have lots going on 
Including the Pilates 
Which I write about a few days ago
I think I will go back this week 
And see how I get on 
Despite having to look at the very thin girl
I'm also starting a dance class too 
Which I'm really looking forward to
I really want to learn salsa 
And how to jive
Jiveing is really popular here at the moment 
And I think it looks like great fun
It's something social to do that doesn't revolve around alcohol either 
Which is good for me 
My food is going ok
It's not fantastic 
But it's not terrible either 
I gues it's bearable 
I can live with it
And it doesn't interfere with my life too much 
I'm not weighing at all right now
I'm just going by how I feel 
Rather than my weight
My clothes fit
I feel healthy and strong 
And that's good enough for me

I inquired about my job 
And my disability payment
It turns out I can work twenty hours a week
And keep my benefit 
So that's something I need to think about 
After twenty hours 
My benefit will be cut on a sliding scale 
It's really hard to know what to do
I've asked quite a few people what they think
Some say I should just do the job
And forget about my benefit
Others say I should try and keep my benefit
As once you are taken off it 
It's incredibly hard to get back on it
I have to remember that this job is seasonal
And come September 
I might have no job again
Anyway
I will work something out 

So 
All in all 
Things are good 
I'm the best I've been in a long time 
And that is amazing 
I don't relax though 
I never relax 
I know I am only one drug away from relapsing 
The same with my ED
I think it's healthy to have a certain amount of  fear with your addiction
It's good as it keeps you on your toes 
And afraid to use or drink 
Complacency will just not go at all 

With that said 
I was wondering about you 
What keeps you going every day?
What gets you out of bed in the morning?
Inquiring mind nods want to know....

Saturday 9 April 2016

H is for Honey!

Of course it's for Honey
What else could it be?
A couple of readers said the knew what I was going to post today
Were you right?

So
Let me tell you a bit about Honey
She has many nicknames that I use every day
Honey bunny
The Hunster 
Hunion
The Hunstable 
Sometimes just saying Honey doesn't cut it
Honey is now the grand ol' age of 11
That's 77 in dog years
We got Honey when she was 5 months old 
A tiny little thing 
Cheeky from the start 
I remember the day we went to the shelter 
The lady there told us that she had paired me with an amazing dog
And out came Honey 
To be honest 
I'm wasn't mad about Honey when I first saw her 
I wasn't really into small dogs 
And she was very small 
But 
I trusted the lady that this was a good match 
Web also decided not to change her name 
As it suited her so well
We bundled Honey in to the car 
And headed for home 

Back then 
Before we got Lea 
We had a dog called Leo
Who I also got at the shelter 
He was a beautiful dog 
Fawn coloured
Lean and strong
With such a gentle nature 
Honey came into our lives like a ball of energy 
She followed Leo everywhere 
And slept cuddled in to him 
She was was so cheeky
And claimed her own chair on the first day
Honey had been given in to the shelter by a single mother 
Who had been given Honey as a present 
And being a dog who needed much attention
She couldn't look after Honey 
And so gave her in to the shelter 
I am so glad she did 
As I quickly grew to love her

Honey is bold to the bone 
No matter how many times you tell her not to do something 
Any chance she gets 
She will do it again and again 
Her favourite thing to do is to sneak downstairs to my bedroom 
Go through my bin
And then pan out on my bed
She loves her comfort 
Her bed has two cushions and a blanket 
Her whole life revolves around food
There is something seriously wrong with Honey if she is off her food
Her favourite treat is an pigs ear
And she is quite partial to chicken and beef 
These days she spends a lot of time asleep 
And doesn't always come for a walk 
She goes between her bed and her chair 
And when I go over to her 
Her little tail wags back and forth so fast
Honey almost drowned once 
I had to jump in to the lake to save her 
I wouldn't think twice about doing that 
There's no way I am losing my Honey Bunny
Last year Honeys eye became really infected 
Resulting in one of her eyes being removed 
We were all so worried at the time 
But she made a remarkable recovery 
And is now fighting fit again
Albeit with one eye....

Seriously though 
Honey has my constant companion for the last 11 years 
She has been through a lot with me 
Through out my slips and relapses 
My hospital and treatment admissions 
My highs and lows 
Ups and downs 
She has been at my side 
And I wouldn't believe without her 
When I can't find a reason to get up in the morning 
I get up for her 
When I do t want the leave my house 
I leave to walk her 
She has helped my mental health massively 
Just spending time with her is soothing and relaxing 
She is my best friend 
No doubt 

Here are some photos of Honey for your delectation
Enjoy....







Friday 8 April 2016

G is for Girl

Im taking a bit of poetic license with the letter G
I really wanted to write about something that happened last night
And using G for Girl was the only way I could do that 
Anyway
On to the post

As you know 
My Mam was diagnosed with osteoporosis recently 
In her hips and spine 
The doctor told her 
That weight bearing exercises would help
So we have been on the look out for suitable courses and classes
We found a Pilates class about half an hour from our house
My Mam rang the lady 
And she sounded very good 
So we put our names down
The first class was last night 
So we donned our work out clothes 
And headed out 

We arrived at the leisure centre just before 8pm
And waited in reception for the previous class to finish 
It was very busy 
Lots of people in and out 
But one particular girl caught my eye 
She was wearing grey leggings 
And a grey top
All her clothes were very tight 
The first thing I noticed 
Was that she was extremely thin
Her hair was white blonde 
And she was so pale she was almost translucent 
I didn't want to stare at her
 my eye kept being drawn to her
After a few minutes wait
It was time for the class
We walked upstairs 
To the room where it was being held 
Grey Girl as I will call her also went up to the room
The instructor greeted us 
She had wild curly hair 
And looked so fit and toned
Like her muscles were rock hard 
It turned out that is was just us three in the class 
There were three large mirrors on the wall
And I kept taking sneaky glances at Grey Girl
The teacher asked us if we do any other exercise 
I told her about the swimming 
And Grey Girl said that she walks and runs 
But that she has two small children 
And didn't always get to do it
She sounded confident 
Sure of herself 
But I couldn't help but wonder if she had an eating disorder 
Grey Girl said that she had done Pilates before 
But it was years ago
This also made me wonder 
As it sounded like she used to exercise 
But had to stop
And now she was just starting again
I don't know
Maybe I am way off the mark
But I've always been able to recognise a fellow sufferer 
Then of course
I felt like a right heffer beside her 
I compared our thighs in the mirror
_UWhere our bones were visible
In fact
I was totally distracted by her during the whole class 

I guess I was triggered by this girl 
This morning 
I asked my Mam if she noticed anything about Grey Girl 
She said that she had noticed how  thin she was
Initially 
I felt jealous of the girl
As sick as that sounds
I wanted to be that thin too
But 
My mother said we looked very similar 
It's going to be hard if she is in the class every week
Maybe I am wrong
Maybe I am presuming without all of the facts
I hope I'm wrong 
I really do 

Thursday 7 April 2016

F is for Free

F is proving to be a tricky customer
The only other word I could think of was food
And I pretty much covered that yesterday 
So free it is 
I wanted to write about being free
As for so long I was a slave to drugs, alcohol and my ED
Having been a heroin addict for years 
I was literally a slave to the drug 
My whole world cantered around the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more 
Because what ever I had 
Was never enough 
I was a greedy addict 
I couldn't control my cravings and urges
I hurt the people I love the most 
But most of all
I hurt myself 
Then came alcohol and prescription meds 
I also abused these to the point where I passed out on the floor 
I was out of control
Out of my mind 
My ED was a similar story
As you know 
I was a serial binger and purger
I literally used to do it all day 
Heck I even woke up in the middle of the night and binged 
It was a nightmare 
Thankfully 
Most of these things are behind me
Yes I am still on methadone and meds 
And yes I still have work to go on my ED recovery 
But I feel the most free that I've felt in the longest time 

Freedom is everything 
Without it
We have nothing 
Now I am free to study
Work 
Travel 
I'm free to wake up in the morning 
And not need a drug to feel normal 
I'm free to walk my dogs 
To go horse riding 
To attend my meetings 
To live my life the way I want
I'm free to travel the world 
As I don't have a criminal
Conviction
And am free to wear what I want 
To pierce my body 
To tattoo my body
Yo listen to the music I want 
Watch the films I want 
Even in this day and age 
There are places in the world where you can't do these things 
Where you don't have the freedom to be yourself 
I guess a lot of the time 
I take my freedom for granted 
I have the freedom of speech too
I can express myself the way I want to
Through words
Writing
Art 
I can express my feeling and thoughts on this blog
That is amazing 
Yes
Freedom is sweet 
And I am grateful to have it in my life today