Thursday 28 April 2016

X is for X Chromosome!

Shout out
And a big thank you to Julia
Who suggested X chromosome for the letter X
You are on the ball today Julia
Great suggestion
And it means I get to write about the women in my life

I am blessed to have some amazing and strong women in my life
I often write about my mother
And what a rock of support and love she is 
For a little woman
She is the strongest person I know
When she was my age 
She already had four children
Three girls and a boy 
She lived with an alcoholic husband up until the year 2001
Then three of her children developed addiction and mental health issues
Yes
She has been through the mill
And she did it with the grace and elegance that always surrounds her
In recovery 
I have become very close to my mother
And she never ceases to amaze me 
She is super smart
An avid reader
She can hold a conversation with the best of them
But she is humble with it
She doesn't judge
She doesn't discriminate
People are drawn to her
Like moths to a flame 
She leads a very active life 
Even though she is retired
She has many friends 
And is always doing something
And going somewhere
She has always supported me
As I have often said 
If love and support could have made me well
I would have recovered a long time ago
She has never given up on me 
And has gone to extreme lengths to help me over the years 
I moved back in with my mum ten years ago
And I love it 
I love spending time with her 
I love doing things with her
She is interesting and interested
If I grow up to be half the woman she is 
I will be doing pretty well

I also have two sisters 
Who like me
Struggle with life 
My sisters are also strong independent women 
And people I look up to 
Again
They are super intelligent 
And bags of common sense
Something I struggle with
I am lucky to have such great sisters 

Then there are the professionals
As you know 
I started seeing Mary a few years ago
And have been seeing her on and off since then 
From the start
She has been a constant support
We clicked straight away
And she is so knowledgeable about EDs and life in general
I actually saw Mary earlier today
It was great to be able to tell her how well things are going 
She reminded me of the first time I met her 
And how far I have come
She regularly mentions the conference I spoke at
And the amazing feedback mine and my mothers speech got 
Today 
She brought up the subject of discharge 
I am nervous to let Mary go
So we decided I would see her once a month from now on
And see how we go from there 
This is good 
It's all good
I will miss Mary 
But I know I can ring her anytime 
And I know it's time to move on
To spread my wings and fly 

The other professional in my life is Breda
I started seeing Breda over a year ago 
After I relapsed
I liked her from the start
She is no nonsense 
Practical
Sound 
On the ball
Full of good advice
I have seen many addiction counsellors over the years
And Breda is by far the best 
I see her about every three weeks
And even though I am now very much clean and sober 
It's no harm to keep going to see her

I love being a female 
A strong, recovering female 
And am surrounded by such brilliant women 
No offence to men 
But we are the movers and shakers of this world 
You've heard the saying 
Behind every great man
Is a great woman
I think this is so true 
I am proud
Proud to be a woman
And proud of the fellow women around me
And you 
My beautiful blogger family 
I know the vast majority of you are female 
And you have become part of my story 
You have been such a support to me over the years 
This blog has been a life line 
And I feel so blessed to have met some incredible women from all over the world 
Yes 
We are strong 
We are independent 
We are learning 
Growing 
Thriving 
And blossoming 
They say at the meetings 
That women should stick together 
And the men too
I agree with this 
As there is no agenda with a fellow woman 
Well I guess there could be
But most of the time there's not 
So this post is dedicated to you 
My blogger family 
And I don't write thdt flippantly 
You are like family to me 



X is for?

I'm struggling to think of a word for X
Any ideas out there....?

Wednesday 27 April 2016

W is for weight!

Another ED related post
But there aren't a whole lot of words beginning with W
So weight it is
And it is topical 
Given my last post

First
I want to thank you all for your valued feed back on my last post
I know you all have my best interests at heart
And I really appreciate that
I've decided not to go ahead with the media company
It just didn't feel right
It almost felt like the photos I provided weren't shocking enough
And that is really sad
I could go ahead and share the ones of me in my underwear 
But they are so very personal
I just don't feel at all comfortable with it

You all made some really good points about the story they wanted to run
Emaciated girl gets healthy is a popular theme 
The before and after 
The shocking and the victory 
From illness to recovery 
That story has been told a million times
What about the majority of sufferers who are not underweight?
And who have never been physically compromised
That story is almost never told
Because it's not sensational
There are no emaciated bodies
No pointy bones 
Or sharp angles 
The story of say the girl with bulimia
Who is a healthy weight 
Just doesn't capture the attention of an audience 
But as you wrote yesterday 
It's that story that needs to be told
So people are aware that EDs come in all shapes and sizes
Not just super skinny

I have stopped weighing myself 
My scales broke 
And I was weighing in my doctors surgery on a Monday
But I've stopped doing that now
Why?
Because it doesn't matter 
The number does not matter 
All I'm concerned about 
Is that I feel good
I feel strong 
I feel capable and able
My clothes fit
My hair and nails and skin are healthy
Unless I drastically lose or put on weight
I am not going to worry about it 
And you know what?
It is the best feeling in the world 
Letting go of that pressure and control
I feel like a weight has been lifted off me
Now I have so much to stay healthy for
So much to live for
I am no longer Ruby the anorectic/bulimic/addict
I am in recovery 
I am a work in progress
I am letting go of the ties that bound me
Drugs 
Alcohol
Cigarettes 
Unhealthy food habits
I was at a meeting yesterday
And after it
Someone came up to me
And said that it was really good listening to me
That made my day
Because now I feel I have something to offer the world 
I feel I can help others 
Be a good person 
And spread a message of hope
Because there is hope
There is always hope 
I feel so blessed for what I have in my life 
My family 
My dogs 
My friends 
I have such good and strong people around me 
I know I am more fortunate than most 

If you do one thing today
I urge you to recognise the good things in your life 
The people 
The pets 
The family and friends 
As ED sufferers 
We are so hard on ourselves 
It's time we have ourselves a break
And look to the positives in our lives
Weight has absolutely no correlation to happiness 
If it did 
Then I would have been deliriously happy at my lowest weight 
I wasn't 
Happiness is not a number
It's a state of mind 

Tuesday 26 April 2016

V is for Voyeurism!

Part of an ED that can be very sick and twisted
Is other people wanting to see the skeletal body of the sufferer
People like to be shocked  
To me it's voyeurism
Like when you pass a car crash
You can't help but look
I was contacted by a media company a few weeks ago
They asked if they could have an informal chat with me over the phone
And I agreed 
So they rang
And we had a conversation
But straight away 
I felt some red flags popping up
She wanted to know my lowest weight
Smallest clothes size
And seemed very interested in the numbers 
But then people always are 
So I didn't think too much about it
Then they asked for some photos of me when I was underweight 
I really needed to think about that one 
I don't have photos of me at my lowest weight
But I do have photos of me over the years underweight 
I also have a few photos of me in my underwear 
Which my brothers girlfriend took
But they are very personal photos 
And I didn't feel comfortable sharing them
I did however find some photos that I felt ok sharing 
And sent them to the media company yesterday 
They got back to me this morning 
And said the photos aren't suitable 
That they want to see more of my body 
And could I send some more explicit photos 
That right there was enough for me to worry
Like typical media
They wanted the photos to shock
To sensationalise my disorder 
They want to see emaciated bodies 
Pointy bones
And sharp angles 
Which I can understand 
People are curious
They want to know what drives someone to starve themselves in to emaciation
The girl from the media company emailed me back
And told me that they need some photos to show how ill I was 
To contrast with how well I am now 
To be honest 
The girl from the company seems lovely 
And has said many times if I don't feel comfortable doing this 
I can pull out at any time 
So I really don't know what to do
I don't want to be exploited
I don't want to be used
I don't want to be put in a vulnerable position
Where I leave myself exposed
But at the same time 
It is a good opportunity to spread awareness 
And a message of hope 
It's a tricky one 
I emailed the girl back 
And told her thdt I need a couple of days to think about it 
I will speak to Mary about it on Thursday 

I know this is typical media 
Wanting the shock factor 
Something for their readers to gasp at
And to read more 
It seems to me that people ate fascinated with EDs
They want to see the lengths we go to for our illness
They want to see us wasting away
They pity us 
Which I hate 
Because I don't want your pity 
I don't want your sympathy 
It's hard enough to live with an ED without you getting your kicks out of looking at my underweight body 
I'm not a victim
I'm a survivor 

Have you ever experienced this?

Sunday 24 April 2016

U is for Undeterred!

I was having trouble coming up with a word for the letter U
I was going to do underweight 
But after what happened yesterday
It could only be one word 
Undeterred

Rewind to Thursday
I got it in to my head 
That I wanted to do more riding 
And check out the stables in my area
I got a couple of numbers 
But got no answer 
So I decided to call in to an equestrian centre that's about 20 minutes from my house 
I'd been to this centre before 
A few years ago when I did a beach trek with my sisters 
So I knew where it was 
My Dad and I set off 
We drove in to the yard 
And we were greeted by a woman called Rachael who runs the place
I asked her about the possibility of lessons 
She said they don't do adult lessons
As they don't have the demand for them 
But she did say I could book a private lesson
Costing €35 for half an hour
And €45 for an hour 
So I decided to book a half hour lesson for yesterday 
Half an hour doesn't sound like a lot
But when you are riding with no break 
It's exhausting 
The lady asked me about my experience
I said I could trot and canter 
I'm now thinking after what happened I shouldn't have said I could canter
As I've only really done it once 

Anyway 
Sunday came 
And I spent all day looking forward to my 4pm lesson 
The time finally came 
And my Mum and I set off
First I had to get fitted for boots and a hat 
The lady said to me that I had skinny legs
And gave me a pair of children's boots
Ha!
My ED loved that one!
So I got myself kitted out 
And then went around to the stables
Rachael introduced me to my horse called Sonny
And OMG!
He was huge!
Much larger than Star
We went in to the in door arena 
Where I held Sonny until my teacher came 
She came like a ball of energy
Susan was her name 
Something I've noticed 
Is that horse people are hardy 
Very hardy 
The second thing I noticed about Susan 
Was that she had two facial piercings the same as me 
Straight away 
She had me get up on Sonny 
And straight in to a trot
There was no messing around with this girl 
The first thing I noticed about Sonny
Was that he was much faster than Star
An awful lot faster 
But it felt amazing!
Soon she asked me to go in to a canter 
From a trot 
You sit in to the saddle 
And kick and squeeze with your legs 
I grabbed the safety strap
And kicked on 
What happened next happened so fast I can barely remember what happened
Sonny shot off like a bullet 
And completely took me by surprise by how fast he was going 
As he turned the corner
I could feel myself losing control
And began to slip off the side of the saddle
My feet came out of the stirrups 
So I had nothing holding me on 
I was bouncing around on Sonny like nobodies business
And the the next thing
I tumbled off 
And fell in a heap at the side of the track
The first thing I thought was Sonny was going to go over me 
And I instinctively curled up to protect myself 
I don't know where Sonny went
But he didn't run over 
The thing was 
I could feel myself falling 
But even though it seemed to happen in slow motion at the time 
I still got a huge shock
I got up straight away
Susan asked what if I was ok
And if I was hurt
I didn't think I was 
Nothing was broken anyway 
I asked her for a minute to catch my breath 
She said ok
But to get back up on the horse first 
I tried to mount Sonny
But I was shaking so much 
I couldn't get a grip to pull myself up 
Second time 
I managed 
And I just sat there for a moment 
Susan said it was important to get straight back up on the horse 
As the longer I left it
The harder it would be 
Soon I was ready to go again
And we began to walk around the arena
Slowly at first
Then trotting 
Then Susan asked if I felt ok to canter again
I must admit 
I was afraid 
But I really wanted to try again 
I didn't want my fear to get the better of me
So I tried again
Straight away
Susan stopped me
And said she knew why I fell
It was my feet 
In riding 
You are supposed to push your heels down and toes up to anchor yourself 
But i was riding with my toes down and heels up
So I was totally unbalanced
After she discovered the problem 
I was able to correct it 
Although I found it hard
I felt like I was sickling my feet
The way I used to do in ballet 
So Susan was constantly shouting at me 
Heels down!
Heels down!
We tried the canter again 
And this time I felt a lot more sturdy and balanced 
Susan said it was one hundred times better

By the end of the lesson 
I was wrecked 
And sweat was pumping out of me
Susan showed me how to put up the stirrups 
And take off the saddle 
And the bridle 
Which was good to learn 
I was still pretty shook as I went back to change out of my boots and hat
Susan said if I am going to pursue horse riding 
Then that was my first fall of many 
To be honest 
It had never occurred to me that I might fall off the horse at some point 
I had no fear about it
As I always thought that a fall happened when jumping 
Now I know different 
Susan said I could join the kids class on a Saturday if I wanted to
Or I could continue with the private lessons 
I stil don't know what I'm going to do 
So I told her I would think about it
And give them a ring 

The lesson yesterday was so different to the horse therapy I do on a Wednesday
Therapy is so informal and relaxed 
And it's more about the social side of things 
And less about technically getting better 
It's about gaining confidence
And building a relationship with the horse and trainer 
To be honest 
I kind of felt like I was cheating on horse therapy going to another stables 
I just wanted to do more of it though 
As once a week is just not enough for me 
So I'm wondering if I should tell Eilish I'm doing other lessons
Or should I continue with the extra lessons at all?
When I got home yesterday
I was telling my sister and her partner all about the fall
My sister was horrified 
She said we will already have my mum in plaster 
We don't need another broken bone in the house 
She pleaded with me not to go back
But the thing is 
I really want to
I really enjoy the adrenaline rush
The speed 
The power 
It's like a drug 
My sister said that I always have to push things that little bit extra 
And she is right 
Maybe I am turning in to an adrenaline junkie!
Who knows?

So today 
U is for undeterred
I got back on the horse after my fall
And i guess that's a metaphor for life 
When you fall down 
You dust yourself off 
And get back up 
Ready to fight another day 
I guess I've been doing that my whole life 
Maybe that's why the fall off Sonny didn't phase me too much 

I woke up this morning 
And my ribs and legs were hurting 
I was in with my doctor 
So he checked my ribs and lungs 
Which were fine 
But he said I may experience pain for a few days 
But you know what?
I kind of enjoy the pain 
It's a sign I was working hard
And loving every minute of it!

Rest Day

Today is another rest day on the A - Z Challenge
So I thought I would take the opportunity to write a personal post about what's going on for me and my family
Next Friday my Mum is having surgery in Dublin
A few weeks ago 
She saw a consultant 
And the surgery date is next week
It's surgery on her foot
Her toes to be precise 
You see, for as long as we can remember 
Mum has had a wonky toe
Her big toe is kind of growing the wrong way 
And is almost as a right angle to the rest of her toes 
Her toe had been a source of fun over the years 
Especially during the summer when her feet are out 
I would show you a picture 
But I don't want to scare you
But if you look up 'Hammer Toe' on Google 
You will surely find some pics 

Anyway
Up until recently 
Mums funny toe hasn't given her any trouble 
Apart from the way it looks 
Which never has really bothered her 
But now 
She gets pain in her foot and up her leg 
So we finally managed to get her to go to the doctor 
Who promptly referred her to a consultant in Dublin
Who told Mum it was one of the worst cases he has seen
He immediately booked her in for surgery 
It's sounds like a small and simple procedure 
But it is in fact complicated 
Both the big toe and the toe next to it will broken 
Straightened 
And pins will be inserted to keep the toes in place 
All done under general anaesthetic of course
Mum will be in quite a bit of pain following the procedure 
And will be off her feet for a couple of months
So needless to say 
We will be looking after her for that period of time 
My sister and I live  here 
So we will be doing the bulk of the work
But we have another sister and brother who will hopefully help too
We have already done out a roster for cooking and cleaning etc
But I'm sure there are some things that we haven't even thought of yet
We'll get through it 
Albeit with a few sibling arguments and tiffs

The other thing is 
That recently I have become aware of my own big toe 
As it seems to be heading in the same direction as Mums
Which is a worry 
But I guess I don't need to worry about it just yet 
But I definitely won't let it go as bad as my Mums
Whose foot is now quite deformed 

My Dad is also going to see a consultant in Dublin next month 
It's his hands 
Over the years the muscle in his hands has wasted away 
And he now has very little power or strength in them
He can't close buttons 
Open jars 
His hands are quite disabled now 
It was hard to get him to go to the doctor 
But he finally did recently 
And was referred to the consultant 
I really hope they can do something to help his hands 
As soon they will be completely useless if something isn't done

It's worrying 
Both my parents having separate health issues
I guess it's a reminder that they are not getting any younger
It's scary to think that they are getting older
I'm not ready for it 
Even though I'm 34 
I feel like I am still growing up
I need them 
I still need my parents 
It's scary 
It feels like the rug is being pulled from under us 
And all of a sudden 
They are old 
I guess we are never ready to lose our parents 
And I don't think that will happen for a long time 
But it's something that will happen
Whether we are ready or not 

Having said all that 
I was wondering about you 
Do you still have your parents?
Or have you lost either parent?
Are your parents getting older and having health problems?
How do you feel about it?
Are you worried about them?


Saturday 23 April 2016

T is for Tea!

All my life 
I've been a confirmed tea drinker
Even as a baby 
I used to take hot, sweet tea in my bottle 
I was very attached to my bottle of tea
And having spoken to my Mum about it this morning
She tells me that I used my bottle of tea as a comfort up until the age of four
I can remember hiding said bottle when people came over 
Since then 
Tea has been a source of warmth and comfort to me
That first cup in the morning is heaven 
And when I smoked
A cuppa and a cigarette could put the world to right 
I can't lie 
I miss that feeling 
A hot steaming cup of tea
And a Carrolls cigarette 
Anything could be solved over it
I've never been a coffee drinker
Most of my family are coffee drinkers 
But I've never developed a taste for it
I wish I liked coffee
As it looks very sophisticated 
And I'd love to go in to a coffee shop and order a long black
But no
I am a dedicated tea drinker
And nothing else will do

It wasn't until I developed my ED 
That my tea drinking got out of hand 
If tea drinking can get out of hand
Now I must drink 10- 15 cups a day 
Depending on what I am doing 
If I am at home 
I will make one cup after another 
And drink it like it is going out of fashion
I also have particular cups that I drink out of 
I'm very picky about my cups 
The need to be narrow 
Quite tall 
Preferably with a nice design
I don't like cups with an internal colour 
I like them to be white on the inside
I have my favourite cups
And no other cups will do

When I gave up smoking 
It took me quite a while to get used to having a cup of tea without a smoke 
It just wasn't the same 
But as they say 
You can make or break a habit in 21 days
And eventually 
Like everything 
I got used to it
Oh
And the tea has to be Barry's 
I don't use sugar that much anymore 
And use 4 sweeteners instead
Right 
I'm off to make another cuppa
See you on the next post....

Are you a tea or coffee drinker?