Tuesday

I went back to my meetings today

I attended the lunch time AA in my area

I got such a lovely welcome back from everyone 

I was so touched by all the hugs and kind words that I received 

I actually opened the meeting today

So that was good for my confidence

The meeting itself was great

It's always good to listen to other recovering addicts

I always come away

Feeling a little bit more peaceful 

A little bit stronger 

I shared too

About my hospital admission

And especially around the painkillers

I have to admit 

I am missing the Tramadol

I miss that sleepy feeling 

The warm waves that rush  through your body 

But I know 

I know what's in store for me if I continue down that road

Prescription or no prescription

If I am using said drugs to get a buzz

In a mood and mind altering way

Then in my book

That is using 

That is being in active addiction

I know I'll get over this 

I just need to hold steady 

Stay strong 

Attend my meetings 

Keep in touch with friends 

And generally keep my side of the street clean 

Even since Christmas 

I can feel a change in myself 

My mindset 

My confidence 

And self esteem 

I feel more sure of myself 

More in control of my own life

And that my friends 

Is huge!

In other news 

I going back to horse riding tomorrow 

I can hardly wait!

I've haven't been riding in about ten days now 

And I have missed it so very much!

Tomorrow I am getting a life with Fintan

Who is in my riding group

We both go the same way

So it's just as handy for us to travel together 

I've been wondering about weighing myself 

I'm wondering should I buy a new scales 

Or continue weighing in my doctors like I have been doing 

I do want to know my weight 

But I think once a week is more than enough to weigh

So I was wondering what you thought

Do you weigh?

Or maybe you don't weigh at all?

How often do you weigh?

Do you think it matters?

Inquiring minds want to know...

To Tramadol or not to Tramadol.....

Monday morning 

And back to the usual routine 

Saw my doctor first thing 

He asked about pain

I said that had a little bit 

He checked my abdomen 

To see where the pain was

And prescribed a medication for ulcers

I can't lie 

I was so tempted to ask for Tramadol 

I really was 

But 

I didn't 

I figured why make life difficult for myself 

A relapse is a slippery slope

Why invite that kind of shit in to my life?

I need to be awake 

As my mother needs me

So I resisted 

To distract myself 

I asked if I could weigh myself 

I had no clue what my weight was 

As I have no scale at home 

And hospital and being sick always messed with my weight

So I'm down about a kilo since the last time I weighed 

And just a bit lower than my target weight in hospital 

So I am happy enough with that

Well

As happy as a person with an ED can be with their weight

Anyway 

I have bigger fish to fry 

My course was cancelled today

So I find myself at a loose end

Although it's nice to have a few hours to myself 

Oh 

I must give you an update on the lunatic driver 

That tried to ruin the Darkness into Light walk

After he ploughed in to the crowd 

He actually hit one person

Who suffered minor injuries 

Not long after 

The mini was found in a ditch

The driver had been drinking all day

And was out of his mind 

I hope they lock him up

What a really horrible things to do

To try and scare the shit out of hundreds of people 

Who are trying to do something good 

But 

He didn't succeed in ruining it for us 

In fact 

This year was the most enjoyable Darkness into Light walk to date 

So things are ticking along nicely at the moment 

Apart from my little holiday on Tramadol last week

I am doing just fine 

I know if I continued to take the Tramadol

I would be hooked before I knew it

And I'm supposed to be caring for my mother for the next few weeks 

I can't do that if I am out of my head

It can happen so quickly and so sneakily though 

They say while you are in recovery 

Your addiction is doing press ups 

Getting stronger 

While I was in hospital 

I took advantage of their liberal prescribing ways 

I asked for sleeping tablets 

Which I got 

And didn't really need 

I asked for more painkillers 

Which I also got 

I know I can be manipulative 

I can play people

But I didn't want to bother my doctor this morning 

And also 

Things are going so well at the moment 

It would be such a shame if I relapsed again 

I'm just not willing the let that happen

In other news 

I got word that my prospective employer rang my two references 

So I'm thinking that's a good sign

They both gave me a glowing report 

Which I am so grateful for 

Given my history 

There aren't a lot of people who I can get a good character reference 

But the two I have are pretty solid 

One is my elderly neighbour 

Who I help out a lot 

And the other is the owner of the little pizzeria I used to work in

So hopefully I will be offered this job 

I will most definitely take it if I am

I will be back horse riding Again this week 

And I can't wait to get back on the saddle 

To see Star 

And to see everyone else 

I missed it do much last week 

So it's great to get back to it 

That's where I get my kicks these days

So no 

I don't need external substances to make me feel good 

I can look inside myself 

Use my own reserves 

And be strong 

I don't need drugs 

I don't need to escape 

I can do this 

I can live in reality 

And heck

I might even enjoy it!

Thanks for your concern after my last post 

And you are right 

I probably should never have been prescribed it at all 

But 

That's ok 

I will get through it

Right 

I'm off to make lunch for Mam

See you on the next post....

Darkness in to Light

You may remember last year 

And the year before

My Mum, my sister and I did the Darkness in to Light walk for Pieta House

Pieta House help families and individuals dealing with suicide

The idea is we start the walk in the darkness

And as we walk dawn breaks

We finish in daylight 

We woke up at 2 45am

To start the walk at 4 15am

This year we went to different location

And it was lovely 

Apart from one thing 

We had just started the walk

And my sister and I were just chatting

When we heard a car reving behind us

We turned around and saw a Mini Cooper travelling at high speed towards us

My sister pulled me out of the way

And the dogs 

The mini flew by us in to the crowd

I swear I could see my life flash before my eyes 

At the very last second 

The driver slammed on the brakes 

And stopped literally inches from the crowd 

The screams were blood curling 

As everyone tried to get out of the way

The mini continued up the road

Terrifying everyone

I don't know what happened next

But I hope the police caught him

What an absolute asshole

What kind of a person does that?

Deliberately scaring the beJesus out of people 

Anyway 

Apart from that 

The walk went great

Honey and Lea came too

Poor Lea was struggling towards the end 

But we all made it home safe and sound 

Here's the photos....

Blogger

Is it just me

Or does blogger seem eerily quiet these days?

I check my reader a few times a day 

And there are hardly ever any new posts to read

I guess Instagram is more popular these days 

And Twitter

But still

A lot of people seem to read this blog

And I get emails every day from readers And other writers

That is the great thing about writing this blog 

I never know what is going to happen because of it

I put myself and my story out there

As I want to speak for the cross addicted community 

As well as the ED community 

I feel my story is worth telling 

As it's not fairytale 

I didn't live happily ever after

Life is tough 

There are many many bumps in the road 

This last week proved that 

With both myself and my Mum being hospitalised

My pancreatitis couldn't have come at a worse time 

And hospital admissions are a real pain in the ass

But I'm home now 

And on the mend 

I spent yesterday getting the house in to some sort of order 

And also looking after Mam

I made her meals 

Helped her have a shower

And anything else she needs doing 

My sister is relieved I am home

As it takes some of the pressure off her

The only thing is that I'm going to miss horse riding for the next couple of weeks 

Unless I can organise a lift from someone 

I will really miss it 

As I love it so much 

Equine therapy has helped me in so many ways 

Building a relationship with Star has been amazing 

And he did me so proud on Sunday

He's a small horse 

But has a big personality 

I think we are perfectly suited

Being with animals really feeds my soul 

I find they aid with healing too

As they are so in tune with you 

For instance 

My two knew there was something going on last Sunday

As they were extremely and unusually quiet 

That's not like them at all

But yes 

Horse riding has been a life line

It has helped with my confidence in a big way 

And my self esteem

Growing in confidence has helped me with riding 

And that translates in to my every day life as well

If you had told me six months ago that I would be competing in a dressage show 

I would have laughed at you 

But I'm so glad I did it 

It really gave me a boost

Also 

There is the social side of horse riding 

I have made new friends 

Amazing people 

When we go riding 

We leave our problems at the door 

And have a laugh and a joke

There is great craic and banter 

If I could 

I would ride every single day

And I spend the whole week looking forward to Wednesday 

It's been better than any medicine 

Any therapy 

And any meeting 

I guess you find what works for you 

By a process of trial and error

Now I have found something to live for 

A reason to get up in the morning 

A purpose 

And that feels so good

In other news 

My neighbour just rang me

To let me know that the lady from  the job rang her for an reference 

I'm taking that as a good sign

That they are keeping me in mind 

If I do get the job

I don't know how I'm going to manage everything 

And I have doctors orders to rest and take it easy 

But I will play it by ear 

I really want to continue my course 

And if I get they job 

They are going to clash 

I will have to choose one or the other I guess 

Watch this space I suppose 

I met a friend yesterday 

A girl I used to be friendly with 

But we kind of drifted apart 

She also has addiction and ED issues 

So it's good to talk to someone who is in the same boat 

That is it from me today 

I'm a busy bee looking after Mum

So 

See you on the next post....

Home

I was really hoping to get home yesterday

The boredom and routine of the hospital was sapping the life out of me

And I was losing the will to live

They took blood yesterday morning 

And it took a couple of hours for the results to come back 

I paced the corridor as I was off my drip

Asking the nurses every half hour if they were back 

I have to say though 

The nurses are nothing short of fantastic 

A few of them remembered me from my last admission

And they just couldn't do enough for me

I had cups of tea coming out my ears!

And if I never see toast again it will be too soon

My Dad came in to collect me

So he also had to wait 

At about 4 30pm

The results came back 

My amylase was down by 100

So that was good news 

Now I just had to wait to see the doctor to be discharged

I was all set for another epic wait

I swear I'd done nothing but wait since I set foot in that hospital

But to my surprise

He arrived after only a few minutes

With his possey in tow

And gave me the go ahead to go home

They didn't need to tell me twice

I quickly packed my bag 

And rang my Dad who was down stairs 

I went to say goodbye to all the ladies in my ward 

The lady beside me especially 

We used to sit in our respective chairs

And have a fool ol' natter

She was in a tremendous amount of pain

And was drugged up to the eyeballs 

It didn't bother me though

I was getting Tramadol and a sleeper 

So I was happy out

The day in hospital is long 

I was well enough to be conscious of what was happening 

Not sick enough to not be bored

My pain was being managed with the Tramadol

I asked many of the nurses and doctors what I could do to prevent further attacks

But they could be me no answers

And one even told me to pray!

So there seems there's nothing I can do to help myself 

And may just have to put up with this

And learn to live and manage it

I guess in hospital they only treat the symptoms 

They patch you up 

And send you on your way as soon as you begin to improve 

I left hospital at 5pm

And I was delighted to get home

To see Mam and the dogs 

The dogs knew something was up the last few days. 

And they were being unusually quiet

They gave me a lovely welcome though

I had some dinner 

Changed in to my pyjamas

And settled down for the night

Mam is feeling stronger

And is getting around a bit more easily

I'm glad to be home to help out 

I'll whip the place in to shape in jig time

So this morning 

I had to see my doctor 

I had no appointment 

So I just rocked up at 9am

And planted myself outside his room

Avoiding the receptionists 

As I knew if I went through them

I would never get to see him

The surgery was so busy

So I was hoping my doctor would see me

I knocked on his door 

And he called me in

I apologised for skipping the queue 

But he saw me

Which was very decent of him

He asked me about my hospital stay

And again 

He could not give me any answers

Apart from avoiding alcohol

Which I do any way 

I forgot to bring my Tramadol prescription

So I asked my doctor for some 

He was really reluctant to give me some

But agreed to give me two days worth

Albeit half the dose I was getting in hospital

I was so glad he saw me though

At least now I can relax that I have my meds

That's the thing about methadone 

I am so dependant on it

And waiting around for it in hospital was a nightmare 

But the nurses were fantastic

And did their best to get it for me as soon as they could 

Nurses really are the unsung heroes of the health care system

Every time I have a hospital admission

I am so impressed with their kindness

Their efficiency

And their patience

It really is a vocation

Even the student nurse was amazing 

Now I am back home 

And I'm trying to get the house in to some kind of order

My poor sister is absolutely wrecked

She has been on nurse duty now for over a week

Then she had to bring me in to casualty 

I feel so bad for her

But I am home now 

And I can get stuck in

I guess I just need to be careful now

And stay as healthy as I can 

That includes diet, exercise and looking after my mental health

That's all I can do

And hopefully I won't get another attack any time soon 

I'm feeling a lot better though

My pain is minimal

And I'm going to go to my course today all being well 

It's just so lovely to be home 

And have the freedom to do what I like 

Ok I'm off to do some cleaning 

See you on the next post....

Day 2 in hospital

Yesterday was a bit of a nightmare

The couldn't get any of my meds

The only one they could get was the mirtazapine

They had to order the reat

And because it was a bank holiday

The pharmacy was closed 

And I couldn't get my methadone 

Luckily I had tablets at home 

So my Dad brought them in

No methadone though

My Dad came in to visit at 2pm

So I took my meds then 

I started to get sleep at around 3pm

So Dad left 

And I had an epic sleep until 8pm

I'm not fasting anymore 

So I can have a light diet

Of tea and toast

Or soup and bread

I'm actually sick of tea and toast by this stage

I've been getting pain killers IV since yesterday morning 

But they won't give me any opiates because I'm on methadone 

So the weak tablets I am on are not really touching the pain

Last night

My cannula started to get sore 

And I looked at my arm 

It had swollen by about 50%

At first I thought I was seeing things 

But comparing it to my other arm

It really had ballooned

The nurse immediately took the needle out 

And a doctor out one in my other arm

This morning my arm is still swollen

Now I know what I would look like if a gained 50 pounds

Very strange 

Took me a while to get to sleep last night 

And the lovely nurses made me two cups of tea

The other women in my wars are elderly

And they are some characters

Constantly laughing and joking 

One woman is 90 years old

And she is the life and soul of the ward

Most of the time I am in too much pain to join in

But I like listening to them

I woke before 7am this morning 

And the ward has been a hive of activity since then 

At the moment I am lying down listening to the radio

And waiting to see the doctor

I still in pain 

And can't get comfortable 

Not matter what way I lie

Anyway

Below is a photo of my swollen arm 

And some pics of the horse show 

Enjoy...

The show, the hospital and a very long day....

I bring you this post from a hospital bed in my local hospital

A very tired and weak Ruby

Yesterday started out great

My Dad, my nephew, my sister and I

All set off for the horse show at 9 30am

And arrived at the centre just after half ten

The place was a hive of activity 

And I was super nervous from the start

I changed in to my horsey garb

And took a seat to watch the show start

I knew very little about the show itself 

I deliberately didn't ask any questions 

As I figured that ignorance was bliss

There was a guy from my class there 

Fintan

And he was riding in the same category as me

All in all there were seven of us 

I had feared that they would all be children

But they were in fact all adults

Some people were taking it very seriously altogether

And arrived dressed and done up to the nines 

A few people had even brought their own horses 

There were some really beautiful ones 

I was on at about 12pm

I was super nervous from the start 

And I just couldn't wait for it to be over 

Eilish gave me some last minute words of advice 

And before I knew it

It was time to go

I knew one thing though

I knew Star wouldn't let me down

I mounted him 

Took my whip and Eilish gave me the nod to begin

Thankfully Star began trotting with no bother 

And we were off

From the start 

Stars pace was great

He was moving so lovely 

We made our way around the course

Trying to be as neat and precise as possible 

I was trying so hard to keep my shoulders down and my back straight

I swear it was hard work

It looks so easy 

And it seems the horse is doing all the work

But it's tough on the legs 

And your breathing 

Before I knew it 

My test was over 

And I finished up in the centre 

And bowed to the judges

I looked up

And all I could see was Fintan giving me a huge thumbs up

Eilish was super excited 

She gave me a big hug

And said it was the best I've ever done it

I was wrecked 

But I felt it went well

I dismounted Star 

And went to speak to my family 

Who were all delighted for me

Then we had to wait for about half an hour to get the results 

So we all got a cup of tea and chilled out 

As I was drinking tea

I noticed a pain was developing in my upper abdomen 

I ignored it at first 

The pain was bearable 

So I didn't give it too much thought

Then Eilish came over with a huge smile on her face 

I came fourth out of seven!

I was really delighted as all the riders in my group were experienced 

And it just felt so good not to come last 

Fintan came first 

And I was so happy for him

He truly deserved it

To be honest 

I couldn't enjoy the moment fully 

As the pain in my stomach was getting worse 

But I pushed it to the back of my mind 

After taking some photos 

We headed for home 

I told my Dad about the pain

And also my sister 

It felt suspiciously like the pancreatitis pain

But I was just praying it wasn't 

We arrived home about 2pm

Mam is laid up obviously with her foot

So my other sister stayed with her today 

I told Mam about the pain

She strongly suggested that I didn't wait for it to get worse 

And to head in to A&E

That was really the last thing I wanted to do 

But as the pain got worse 

I knew I had little or no choice

So I packed a bag of essentials 

And my sister and I headed off again

We arrived in A&E

And it was busy 

I registered and took a seat

And then the waiting game began 

Which is a bit of a nightmare when you are in pain 

About an hour later 

The triage nurse saw me

She asked the standard routine questions 

About my ED 

My addiction

My meds

She took my blood pressure which was normal

As was my temperature and blood sugars

Then I was sent out to wait some more 

A whole two hours later 

I was finally called to see the doctor 

I was given a room of my own 

Which has its disadvantages and advantages 

The doctor came 

More questions 

More examinations 

Blood taken

Then had to wait for the results 

Which took another hour and a half 

Eventually he came back to me

They measure the amylase in the blood

Normal is 100

Mine was 330

So they suspect my pancreas in inflamed 

I was both relieved and annoyed with this result 

Part of me was hoping that I had over reacted 

And it wasn't my pancreas at all

But deep down 

I think I knew it was 

I always know

You can't mistake that pain

The waiting went on and on

And my poor sister who had just got back from her stint in hospital with mum, was really starting to flag

I kept trying to convince her to go home

And at 11 30pm

She relented 

And dragged her weary body back to the house 

At 12am 

When I still couldn't sleep 

I asked for a sleeping tablet 

A request that was flatly refused

They were being very stingy with the meds on this admission

Usually I get morphine as standard 

But this time I only got paracetamol 

Very disappointing 

Anyway 

That's not my call to make 

For the next couple of hours 

I slept fitfully

Then at 2am

A porter woke me up to take me to a ward 

Turns out I was in the same ward as last time

And I recognised the nurses straight away

One of them took me in to a little side room

To do my vitals 

She also weighed me

But the less said about that the better 

Then I was taken down to my room

I was so glad to just relax and settle in

Again I asked for a sleep tablet 

And this time I was successful

I read  for a few minutes

Before I felt the meds kick in

And I drifted off to sleep

So here I am 

It's morning 

And I'm just waiting for the doctor to do his rounds 

I'm pretty much fed up to be in hospital

When I'm needed at home 

But isn't this just always the way life happens?