Saturday

I started out the weekend with a riding lesson this morning 

I was back on Princess

But I had a new instructor 

A Scottish girl called Roisin 

Who was lovely

Straight away 

I was having problems getting Princess started 

She was walking at her own leisurely pace 

And was paying very little attention to the fact that I was kicking her over and over 

Roisin said that I looked nervous 

And I felt it

So I'm sure the horse felt it too

I think I am not kicking hard enough

I think I'm kicking strongly 

But it's probably only a tap to the horse 

Eventually I got her trotting 

Although she was pre-empting my directions all the time 

Roisin wanted to work on my position and balance 

So after trotting for a while 

We walked and trotted with my feet out of the stirrups 

The key thing was to relax my legs 

And let them hang 

Which in turn would help my balance 

Then we trotted standing up

And sitting down slowly 

The she told me to drop the reigns completely 

I thought she was joking At first 

But she wasn't 

I felt really nervous to do this 

Especially in trot 

First Roisin told me to lift one hand 

And then the other 

I was doing it!

Trotting with no hands 

It was a real confidence boost 

Roisin said that at the start of the lesson 

I looked stressed and worried 

But by the end of it 

I felt a lot more comfortable 

I did a full hour lesson today

And am now wrecked 

It was great though 

I thoroughly enjoyed it 

And Roisin told me that we can go down to the beach to ride some day

That would be so awesome 

I've always wanted to ride a horse on a beach 

I've always thought it looks so elegant and beautiful 

So that's something to look forward to

 

In other news 

Life is going pretty well at the moment 

I feel good 

Mood is stable 

I feel steady in myself 

I feel like I am enjoying rather than enduring it

Life is to be enjoyed 

I know that no one is deliriously happy all the time 

Happiness is not a constant thing 

But it is definitely possible to have moments 

And those moments are enough to keep me going 

That's all for today folks 

If there is any topic you would like to see written about 

Do let me know 

I feel like I am writing less and less about my ED addiction

I guess now I am living my life 

Rather than spectating 

And letting life pass me by 

I feel like I am actively participating in my own life now 

And that is so great 

I feel hopeful

I feel positive 

I feel alive....

Friday

Because I was in Dublin on Wednesday 

I had horse riding today instead

I got up early 

To walk the dogs and sort their food out so Mam could just give it to them at lunch time

Then I headed in to town to meet Fintan

He picked me up in town at about 10 30am

And we headed out to Keash

The last couple of weeks 

I noticed that Fintan buys a bar of chocolate on the way out

And he eats two squares before riding 

And two squares after riding 

So today I had a bar of chocolate for him

To thank him for driving 

We chatted on the way out 

And arrived in Keash in plenty of time for our riding lesson

We donned our hats and boots 

I was on Star as usual 

And Fintan was on Leroy

A beautiful elegant horse 

Today 

For a change 

Myself and Star were in front 

And Star took to it lovely 

We also did a lot of cantering today 

Which was amazing 

I did three canters today 

And it is such a buzz!

I love it! 

And it feels great to be making progress 

We finished our lesson 

And made a cup of tea

I was chatting to the two girls who were in after me 

And they couldn't believe I was only riding a couple of months 

That was lovely to hear 

And it's true 

I've come a long way in a short time 

Last week 

When I told Fintan about my blog 

He asked me to send him the link 

I was hesitant to 

As it is so personal 

And I wasn't sure if I wanted to share it with someone who is in my real life

For some reason

I would prefer strangers to read my blog

Rather than people I know 

Because I can't worry or disappoint strangers 

I would be worried that someone I know would be shocked or scared reading my blog

I write my blog as if no one was going to read it 

Because if I thought about the amount of people reading my blog 

I would never post a word 

So I texted Fintan to let him know that I was a bit wary of sending him the link

Then today he apologised for asking for the link

He said he would never read anything without asking me first 

I was really grateful for his understanding 

And I really do believe that he will respect my wishes and not read my blog 

However 

I did show him the little piece that Healthline wrote about my blog

He was delighted for me 

Tomorrow I have another lesson in the morning 

Which I am really looking forward to 

Something I have noticed recently 

Is that when I don't eat 

I feel very strange 

So really these days 

I need to make myself eat something 

Whether I  hungry or not 

Because I feel faint and not with it when I don't eat 

Note to self: Remember to eat!!

That's all for today folks

See you on the next post...

Dublin

Apologies for not replying to yesterday's comments 

The blogger app on my phone is playing up

And it won't let me in to my dashboard 

I could read the comments in my emails 

But I couldn't reply 

So sorry about that 

Thank you though

I really appreciated your thoughts on the subject of body image 

It's a tricky one 

Regaining the weight 

And everything that comes with that 

Fear 

Anxiety 

Uncertainty

The comments from others 

It's not easy 

And then comes the transition

From underweight to healthy weight

And when you have a distorted and skewed body image 

That can be quite traumatic 

I guess body image is a fluid thing 

I know I can feel ok in my skin sometimes 

And I don't feel big 

But there are other times when I feel so negatively about my body 

That I can barely function

Today for instance 

I feel quite good about how I look 

And when I say that 

I mean I don't want to tear the flesh off myself with my bare hands 

But yesterday 

I was in Dublin with my Dad

And I felt so uncomfortable in my skin 

So awkward and not myself at all

It's a horrible feeling 

To feel such distain against your own body 

I just have to remember to go by how I feel

Rather than my clothes size 

It's not easy 

But it's the only way that works 

In other news 

I travelled to Dublin yesterday with my Dad 

He had an appointment with a consultant neurologist 

As he seems to be having great difficulty with his hands 

He has lost a lot of power in them 

The muscle is wasting away

And it seems to be spreading up his arms 

I had an early start

And was up at 5am

I drive the half hour in to town u

Then walked 15mins to the train station

To catch the 7am train 

I met my Dad in his home town 

And he joined me on the train at about 8 15am

We arrived in Dublin at 10 am

The hospital is in the north side of the city 

So we quickly found our bus stop 

And headed off 

The bus stopped right outside the hospital

We found the right place 

And settled down to wait

Thankfully 

It wasn't a long wait

And my Dad was in and out in about hAlf an hour

Because we were finished so early 

We decided to try and make the lunch time train home

I was eager to get out of the city 

As it was there that I did a lot of my using 

And everywhere I look

I see old haunts and placed I used to frequent 

We cut it pretty fine 

But we made the 1pm train

And I was back home by 5 pm

Dad has to go back up to Dublin for tests 

So there might be another trip on the horizon

I don't mind going with him though

He often did it for me

I also got some exciting news yesterday 

My blog was voted one of the best eating disorder blogs of 2016 by Healthline

If you check out their website you will see all the blogs 

They are all worth a visit 

This is the fourth year in a row that my blog has been included in Healthlines top blogs 

And it is truly an honour 

I am so happy to know that my blog is making a difference 

That it's going in some small way to help fight the battle against EDs and addiction

I remember writing not too long ago 

That items a sad fact that my virtual life was more exciting than my real life 

I had nothing in my real life 

No purpose 

No reason for being 

I had my family and my dogs 

And that is amazing 

But I needed more 

And now that need is being met 

I feel so grateful to be in a good place now 

I just wish I could break off a piece of what I hAve 

And give it to you 

I want to share with everyone what I have found out 

That there is a life beyond EDs and addiction

There is hope 

And there is so much more to life 

We don't have to suffer 

There is a way out 

For a long time I didn't believe that

But now I know differently 

Life is to be enjoyed 

Not endured 

Same goes for recovery 

I am so glad to be moving on

Growing up 

It's a miracle 

My Miracle

And I promise you it's there for you too

You just have to take that first leap of faith

Do it

You won't regret it 

Not even a tiny bit 

Body Image

Even though things are going well for me at the moment 

There is still one thing that I struggle massively with

Yes

You've guessed it

The dreaded body image

Historically 

I've always been on the slim side

As a child and teenager

I was very active 

I swam in a competitive level

I also studied dance

So I could basically eat what I wanted

And maintain a trim figure

The only time I've ever gained a significant amount of weight

Was when I was first prescribed olanzapine 

And even then 

I wasn't over weight

I just had more weight on my bones

And of course 

Throughout my addiction and ED

My weight fluctuated wildly 

Up until my ED started

I had never given my weight much thought 

I ate well and exercised 

And was in general pretty healthy 

My size and shape was not something I gave much thought to 

I didn't notice it

I wasn't aware of it

They say ignorance is bliss

And it most definitely was in this case

It was only when my ED developed 

That I became aware of my body 

And how much space I took up

I set about making myself smaller

Because smaller and thinner is good right?

Wrong 

As I have since learned 

Size and shape have precious little to do with happiness or contentment 

I do accept that I see a dirhmdtiuyd I acknowledge that I might not see an accurate version of myself 

But I do believe that I am quite big at the moment 

I have no idea what I weigh 

As I haven't been weighing myself recently 

So in my head 

I am twenty stone 

In reality 

It shouldn't matter what I weigh 

But it is important to me that I maintain my weight at a healthy point

I don't feel good if I am too thin or too heavy

I just want to be healthy and happy

I want to be able to wake up in the morning 

And not have a panic attack about what to wear 

I want to be able to look in the mirror

And not want to cry 

I just feel so big and cumbersome at the moment 

My legs 

My hips 

My tummy 

It all feels like too much 

And it's a horrible feeling 

I guess physical recovery happens at first 

You re-gain the weight 

And that's hard to deal with

Psychologically

It takes much longer to recover

And I am still in very early days 

I'm hoping that my distorted body image will right itself 

I hope that I can grow to love or even just like my body

Because it allows me to do some amazing things 

And it's getting stronger and stronger all the time 

But the main thing is that I am healthy

And happy 

And I feel good in myself 

I think I will always struggle with accepting my body 

Buy that's not just an ED thing 

It's a woman thing 

It's a human thing 

I see all these celebrities on TV 

Who have had work done 

Even young people who really don't need anything done at all 

People are striving for beauty and perfection on the outside 

When the real truth is that beauty comes from within 

It's a cliche 

But it's true 

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

How is your body image?

Do you hate/love/like/loath your body?

What do you do to help your image of yourself?

Do you think it's possible to love yourself and your body after an ED?

Answers on a postcard please.....

Monday

Apologies for the post free weekend 

The weather here has been glorious 

So I've spent most of it outside

Away from phones and TVs and computers 

As you may know 

Here in Ireland 

We pretty much get pants weather 

As in much rain

Much wind

And an awful lot of cold

But about once a year 

Just to tease us 

Mother Nature gives a little taste of what it's like to live in a sunny climate 

So for the last week

Our weather beaten country has been bathed in sunlight 

And boy do we appreciate the good weather when we get it 

I spent Saturday out in the garden 

In shorts and a vest 

I fell asleep in the sun a couple of times 

And by evening I looked like I was wearing red socks 

And a red t-shirt I was so burned

My skin felt hot and tight 

But it was my own fault 

I didn't wear sun cream

And I stayed out way too long 

It was hard to sleep that night 

As any pressure on my skin was agony 

I woke up the next morning 

Hoping it had begun to turn brown 

But it was still angry and red

Sunday morning 

And I had a horse riding lesson booked 

In the place where I fell off the horse three weeks ago 

I can't lie 

Having no been away for so long 

I was nervous to go back 

I thought about cancelling 

But I wanted to go back 

I didn't want my fear to get the better of me

So I headed out for my 10am lesson

I wore my new boots 

And really felt the part 

I arrived to see that Susan the instructor had a different horse for me 

A beautiful chestnut coloured one called Princess 

Susan said she thought Princess was suited better to me 

As I am 'a tiny little thing'

Princess was also older and slower 

And is what they call a 'confidence giver'

Age was definitely smaller than Sonny 

And more biddable 

I told Susan I was nervous 

So she talked me through everything 

And let me walk around the arena for a while 

Just to get my beatings 

Straight away 

I felt much better on Princess

More comfortable 

More in control 

On Sonny I felt like I couldn't control him 

As we walked around 

Susan constantly spoke to me 

To try and relieve my tension and anxiety 

I decided to tell Susan a bit about myself 

So she knows where I am coming from 

I explained that my previous horse riding was more horse therapy than lessons 

I also told her that I Am recovering from an eating disorder 

And horse therapy is part of my treatment 

Susan immediately apologised for calling me a tiny little thing 

But thdt didn't bother me at all 

I know she didn't mean any thing by Other than making an observation

I felt comfortable enough with Susan to tell her this 

As I just wanted her to know why I am horse riding 

And how my life has been effected 

Including my self esteem and confidence 

Susan was lovely 

And it felt good to be honest with her 

I really have no problem telling people about my past 

I don't feel ashamed 

I don't feel embarrassed 

It's my life 

My story 

At least it was my story 

Now I am writing a new chapter 

Where I throw myself in to life 

Where I live my life 

The way I want to 

Where I work 

I study 

I swim 

I dance 

I ride horses

I laugh 

I love 

Where I don't live a life dictated by drugs or food 

Soon I was trotting on Princess 

And it felt good 

All the while 

Susan was correcting me 

And giving my instructions 

It felt amazing on Princess 

So light I felt like I was floating 

So fluid and streamlined 

I asked Susan if we would try cantering today 

She left it up to me 

I really wanted to try 

As I love to canter 

And I wanted to face my fear

Susan gave me a bit of notice 

Then gave me the sign

As she told Princess to canter 

I held the safety strap

And sat in as much as I could 

I felt Princess speed up 

And I anchored myself in the stirrups 

With my heels down as much as I could 

As we went in to the canter 

I felt comfortable and in control 

It felt amazing 

The speed 

And the power of the horse is exhilarating 

It felt so good to face my fear 

After cantering a few times

I felt so much more relaxed 

Susan said I looked like a different person

Much happier 

And less worried 

I was just glad to have stayed on the horse!

The half hour was over so quickly 

And to cool down 

Susan brought me outside for a wAlk up the lane 

The cool breeze was welcome 

And we chatted some more 

Myself and Susan clicked really well

And I can genuinely see us being friends 

All too soon 

The lesson was over 

We brought Princess back to her stall 

And went around to the office 

I paid and thanked Susan 

And headed for home 

I always feel so good after a lesson

It's a natural high

A real adrenaline rush 

I feel so grateful to have found something that I love to do 

And get so much out of it

I'm meeting new people 

I'm around animals 

I couldn't be happier 

It's also great for my confidence 

And that ripples out to other areas of my life too 

I really feel like I am growing 

Getting stronger 

And feeling more capable and competent 

Today I had my doctor first thing 

My own doctor is away 

So I had Nice Woman Doctor this morning 

It was a quick one 

She asked me about the pancreatitis 

And told me that I should get bloods repeated in a couple of weeks

To check my Amaylase count 

Just to keep an eye on things 

After collecting my meds 

I went for a walk on the beach with the dogs 

We had a lovely time 

And they both went for a swim 

I did a little bit of shopping 

Before heading home 

Mum is still on crutches after her operation 

But she is much more mobile now 

She needs a lot of help 

And I am basically running the house at the moment 

Which I am actually really enjoying 

Of course I Always do my fair share of house work 

But at the moment the majority of the work is down to me 

The cooking 

The cleaning 

And anything that needs doing 

It feels good to be in control 

And I don't mind it at all

On Wednesday 

I am travelling to Dublin with my Dad

He is going to see a consultant about his hands 

His hands have lost a lot of power 

And the muscle seems to be wasting away 

Which also seems to be spreading up his arms 

He needs a lot of help 

He can't button his buttons 

Can't open jars 

Anything that requires grip or power he can't do

I am really hoping that there is something that can be done to help 

As he is really disabled as he is 

Anyway 

Fingers crossed 

So yes 

Things are ticking along nicely 

I feel good 

I feel well and strong and content 

Life is good 

And it's amazing to be able to say that 

I Am so grateful to be in a good place 

God knows it's taken me long enough to get here 

But better late than never right?

Right 

I feel hope for the first time in years 

I feel like I have a shot at living a happy life 

I feel positive 

I feel strong 

And I am loving life 

I can't ask for more than that.....

Weather

The weather in this part of the country has been glorious for the past few days 

Gone are the hats and scarves that were needed a few short weeks ago

And out come pale arms and legs 

They have been hidden away all winter 

Usually I don't welcome the summer 

Because of the good weather

Which means wearing less clothes 

Which means being a bit more exposed than I am comfortable with

But 

This year 

I'm just not going to worry about it 

I'm not going to stress about what I look like 

Because in the grand scheme of things 

It doesn't really matter

My family and friends will love me no matter what I look 

No matter what size or shape that I am

And as long as I am healthy 

As long as my clothes fit me

And my body is functioning well

I don't need to worry about it

It seems the older I get 

The less of a shit I give about what people think of me

And that is a great feeling 

I no longer try to fit in 

Or belong 

I can just be me 

And that is enough

Here are some photos of me and my best girls...

Decisions, decisions....

Now that I've been offered a job 

I'm having to juggle things around 

To make sure I can fit everything in

I really want to continue horse riding 

Which is at least one day a week

And I definitely need to keep going to meetings 

2-3 a week is a must 

I also have to factor in the fact I am caring for my mother at the moment 

And am pretty much running the house for the foreseeable future

I will be working about 24 hours a week

Which equates to three shifts 

So I've decided to postpone my course until September 

The course will always be there 

The job might not 

I am super excited to start working 

To be a working woman 

To have extra money 

To be out and about in the world 

I anticipate that the job will be very hard work

Both physically and mentally 

But im up for the challenge 

I feel ready to throw myself in to it 

I'm in a good place now 

My weight is stable 

My mood is good 

I feel capable, able and strong 

And I think this job could be the making of me 

There are just a few more ducks to get in a row 

I need to apply to the disability section of the social welfare 

My psychiatrist wrote me a letter 

Stating that the job would be of therapeutic value 

And so allow me to keep my disability benefit 

So I will get that done today 

Horse riding was so much fun yesterday 

It's so exciting to start cantering 

I really feel like I'm making progress each week

And that is an absolute joy!

Riding is helping me in so many ways 

It's something to look forward to every week 

It's really a whole day out for me each week

It takes an hour to drive there 

But I don't mind at all 

Because I love it so much 

I would travel three hours if I had to 

The healing power from horses and riding is incredible 

As you know 

I feel a great affinity with animals 

And get so much out of being around them 

It also helps with my confidence 

As I am out mingling and chatting with others 

I'm still a little shy and quiet 

But I know I will get there 

I know if I keep doing the next right thing 

I will be just fine 

As I wrote yesterday 

It feels like things are finally fitting in to place for me 

It's only taken me nearly 35 years

But at least I got there 

I think back as recently as Christmas 

I was so very lost 

Losing weight 

Losing my mind 

I felt like I was a little lost soul wandering around 

Not knowing what I was doing 

Or where I was going 

I had no direction

And I felt like I was drowning 

Like life was swallowing me up and spitting me out 

But I hung in there 

And things slowly began to change 

It was Mary who first told me about the horse therapy 

Our health service subsidies the horse riding as part of therapy 

So it only costs us €15 a lesson

Which is really good value 

If I could 

I would love to ride every day 

And maybe in the future I will

It has turned out to be a real passion

Something that fills the hole that drugs and alcohol left 

And that's what it's all about 

Finding healthy and meaningful ways to not only cope with life 

But to really enjoy life 

They say if you do what you love

You will never work a day in your life 

I am somewhat late finding out what I want to do in life 

But better late than never right?

I haven't experienced much happiness in my life 

And I don't think happiness is a constant thing 

At least for me it's not 

It's more like moments of happiness 

Here and there 

But at the moment 

Right now in my life 

I am as close to happy as I have ever been 

As well as happiness 

It's a feeling of contentment 

A feeling of steadiness 

Stability 

A feeling that I am on the right road 

That I am doing things that I love 

And that feeds my soul 

It such a relief to let go of all the self hatred and self loathing 

To stop caring so much what others think

I spent far too much of my life 

Trying to fit in

Trying to be part of the crowd 

And trying to get people to like me

But somewhere along the line 

I was trying so hard 

That I got lost along the way

I lost myself 

I used to mirror people 

If you were loud 

I was loud 

If you were quiet 

I was quiet

I didn't have the confidence to be myself 

So I copied you 

And figured that was the best way to be liked 

But now I know different 

Now I know that it doesn't matter one iota what people think of me 

If I am living my life in a good way 

With friends and family around me

If I am doing my best 

To be a good and honest person

Then it really doesn't matter what people think of me 

If I can lay my head down at night 

Knowing I lived that day to the best of my ability 

Then I can sleep well

With a clear conscience 

I thank my higher power for getting me through the day 

Without hurting myself or anyone else 

If I can do that 

Then it's been a good day 

It takes a lot of courage to be yourself 

In a world where there is so much pressure on us to conform

Especially on women 

To be all things to all people 

To be a mother 

A sister 

A daughter 

A worker 

A partner 

We are pulled in so many different directions 

It's hard to make time for us 

Time to just relax 

And recharge our batteries 

I guess I missed all the years where you develop your personality and your character 

Usually that happens in your teens and early twenties 

But as you know 

I was otherwise engaged during those years 

So I never really got to grow in to a young woman 

I found myself in my thirties 

Feeling like a 21 year old 

The body and face 

Did not match what was going on inside 

I know feel like I am playing catch up to everyone else 

Like I am ten years behind 

But that's ok

I will get there eventually 

I just need to hang in there 

Today is a good day 

I feel positive and hopeful about the future 

I feel like I have a fighting chance at life 

A happy life even 

And people 

If I can get through this 

Then I promise you 

You can too 

It's possible 

Recovery is possible 

It's a precious gift 

We just have to reach out and grab it...