Monday 12 September 2016

They think it's all over...... It is now!

Greetings from a very tired but very happy Ruby
I officially finished up in work yesterday 
After almost four months of hard work
Work was a joy last week
There were only eleven guests staying with us 
So unlike other weeks 
I had the time to chat to them 
Get to know their names 
And their stories 
It was so nice to address each person by their first name 
And to have the craic with them
Leaving work is bitter sweet
I will miss work 
Especially the people 
Both my fellow workers and the guests 
I will miss the banter 
The structure 
The routine 
And of course the money 
I am just so grateful that my manager Georgina gave me a chance 
Because that's exactly what I needed 
For someone to take a chance on me
I did the interview for this job back in February 
Luckily I had two great references 
And I was offered the job straight away 
From the start 
Georgina said that I would be good for the centre 
And the centre would be good for me 
That I would flourish and blossom
She was so right 
Working has done wonders for my self esteem and confidence 
I am a new woman!
I feel capable and able 
I feel confident in my abilities 
And ready to tackle any issue big or small
Yes 
Work has given me a new lease of life 

So 
As one chapter of my life closes 
Another one begins 
I have a few options for autumn/winter 
On a Wednesday 
I am now doing a full day of horse riding 
Which is amazing 
And I look forward to it each and every week
I have also put my name down for a computer course in the local Womens centre
Then yesterday I heard a stables quite near me is looking for staff
Also I saw Breda this morning 
And she told me about a new scheme 
Where you are matched with a job that you are interested in 
And they train you over a four year period 
So that is another way I could get in to horse riding work 
So I have options 
And I am really looking forward to getting out there in the big wide world 
Hopefully doing something that I love
Again 
I am so blessed to have an amazing support structure around me 
Of family and friends 
And professionals 
I know that not everyone has that 
And I count my lucky stars every single day that I do 

In other news 
I don't know if I have already mentioned it 
But through horse riding 
I have met a new friend 
Over the last couple of months 
We have become quite close 
We travel together to horse riding every Wednesday 
And we talk on the phone most days 
He is a good bit older than me 
He is in his forties 
And also has a muscular condition that effects his lower limbs 
He is what they call a para-rider 
He really is a lovely guy 
And has become a very close friend 
He came out with us the evening of my birthday 
And gave me a lovely present of a photo of the two of us the day of my first dressage show 
But yes 
We have become firm friends fast 
But recently I have been getting different vibes off him 
Like he will tell me that I look pretty and things like that 
So I was speaking to him on the phone last night 
And all Of a sudden he asked me if I wanted to go on a date 
I guess the signs were there 
But I chose to ignore them 
I really like this guy 
But I don't have any feelings for him 
Not like that 
Although pArt of me wishes I did have feelings for him
It would make this situation a whole lot easier 
But unfortunately 
The course of true love does not run smoothly 
So I had to tell him in a very gentle way 
That I valued our friendship above anything else 
And I didn't want anything to jeopardise that 
And I really meant it
I think sometimes a friendship is more special than a relationship 
He took it very well
And agreed with me 
I actually think that he felt he had to ask me out 
Because he did seem quite confused as to what was happening between us 
But in glad I set him straight 
At least now we know where we both stand 
But hey 
It was flattering to be asked 
And to be complimented too
To be honest though 
I don't think I am anywhere near ready to have a relationship 
I am just getting to a point where I feel comfortable with myself 
I don't think I could handle having to deal with a whole other person 
I'm sure it will happen at some point 
Just not now 

So yes 
Exciting things are happening 
I turned 35 last week
Had a lovely birthday 
And was utterly spoiled
Tomorrow is my mams birthday 
And her turn to be spoiled
My Dad is staying with us indefinitely at the moment 
He just can't really be left on his own at the moment 
His MND is getting worse 
And he is also battling a very painful back condition 
So far it's going ok 
And he is behaving himself 
I guess we just take each day as it comes 
And deal with it that way 

So that's it from me for today 
Now that I am not working 
I hope to have more time to blog
To read yours 
And to comment 
My writing really differed this summer 
And I really felt disconnected from you all
But now is my chance to throw myself back in to it 
I guess it's a good sign though 
That I have been busy living my life 
And do didn't have the  time to dedicate to my blog 
I even considered stopping blogging altogether 
But now I see that that is just the way
Life goes sometimes 
On that note 
I will bid you good day 
From a cold and windy Ireland 
See you in the next post....

Monday 5 September 2016

One year on...

This morning 
I did something I've been wanting to do for the past 12 months
I agonised and stressed over it lot
And felt incredibly guilty for what I had done the year previously
But first 
Rewind 
Back 18 months ago
You may remember I wrote a post called 'Caught' if I remember correctly 
It told the story of how I was caught shoplifting in my locality 
It was a real low point for me
As you also may remember 
Up until last year 
I was having a lot of issues with shoplifting 
That started with food
And then spread to other areas like clothes and jewellery 
They say you shouldn't shit on your own back door 
And stupidly 
That's exactly what I did
I went in to the shop that day 
Browsed 
The shop owner was there 
Chatting to someone 
I asked if I could try on a couple of items 
And brazenly 
I put a top on under my clothes 
And walked out of the shop 
I was half way down the road 
When I heard someone calling me 
I nearly died when I turned and saw the girl from the shop
She ran up to me 
And asked if I had taken a top
I couldn't lie 
I said I had 
She asked where it was 
I said it was under my clothes 
She told me to take it off then and there in the street 
I pleaded with her to let me change in the shop 
It was a real rock bottom for me 
I don't know if anyone was watching our exchange 
It's very possible that they did 
Anyway 
She marched me up to the shop
I remember a police car passed us on the way 
The girl was fuming 
And rightly so 
I remember her saying that because I had stolen from her shop
She took it personally 
So 
I followed her to the shop 
Where I changed and handed her back the top
She basically told me to get out 
And not show my face in there again
I was just so grateful that she didn't call the guards 
My whole life would have changed for the worse if she had 
I left the shop with my tail between my legs
Utterly crushed and mortified

So 
Since then 
I have avoided that shop 
But a few months after it happened 
I felt a huge urge to return to the shop 
To explain
And to apologise 
But I just couldn't find the courage to do so
Fast forward to this morning 
I was walking down the Main Street of my town 
Having been in the doctors 
I was approaching the shop 
When I saw the girl outside doing something to the window 
All of a sudden 
I realised that this was my opportunity 
I called out to her 
She turned 
And walked towards me smiling 
I asked her if she remembered me 
At first she didn't 
But after a few seconds 
It began to dawn on her who I was 
I told her how I had wanted to approach her for so long 
And apologised profusely for taking from her shop
I explained that I had suffered with addiction and other mental health issues
And that I was in really bad place when I stole that top
I also apologised for putting her on the position where she had to be bad cop
She was very warm and understanding 
I explained that I was now in a much better place 
And asked if I could start coming in to her shop again 
She said yes no problem 
She thanked me for the apology 
And told me to stay on the straight and narrow 
I walked away from the girl 
Feeling so relieved that I had the chance to apologise to her 
And I think I left it just the right amount of time since the event 
Enough time for her to cool down 
And for me to get myself together
It's just so good to know there are no bad feelings about the situation
And I can know return to shopping in that store 

This is big for me 
To face the person who I had wronged took a massive amount of courage and swallowing my pride 
It just goes to show how far I have come 
I would never dream of stealing now 
And as I said to the girl 
Being caught was a turning point for me 
Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to knock some sense in to me
That situation could have turned out a whole lot differently 
And thankfully it didn't 
Because if she had called the guards that day 
And prosecuted 
I would now have a criminal record 
And I wouldn't have got the job in the holiday centre this summer 
It would have had a huge knock on effect for me 
So I am just so grateful to that girl 
For giving me a chance 
And for not involving the authorities 
It just goes to show 
That people are mostly decent and good 
But it definitely taught me a lesson 
And if nothing else 
Then it was a good thing 

Friday 2 September 2016

September

And so 
Autumn has arrived 
It's my favourite season of all
And on the 7th
I turn another year older
This has been a good year for me so far
It didn't start out well
But somehow i managed to turn things around 
How?
I'm not entirely sure 
Most of the time I feel like I am being carried along by friends and family 
My feet barely touching the ground 
The biggest thing that happened this year
Is that I secured a job
And worked all summer
I met new people 
Made friends for life
I came out of my shell 
And really discovered who I am
And what I am all about 
I loved working 
Loved the holiday centre
And everyone in it
We all became like a little family 
Then of course it all came out the night of our staff party
Whose in to who 
Who likes who 
It all got very silly
But that's alcohol for you
In our workplace 
There are about ten females 
And two males
So there just aren't enough to go around 
But hey 
There are plenty more fish in the sea right?
Work is winding down now
I only have a couple more weeks until I am again jobless
I can't lie 
I am going to miss it so much 
And I will continue to look for year round work
Work has given me a great sense of satisfaction 
As well as making me more confident and independent 
It's not an easy job
It's both physically and mentally demanding 
We are constantly running up and down stairs 
Cleaning 
Serving 
Picking up
I swear my fitness has increased marginally this summer
And then there is the emotional side of the job
We are dealing with vulnerable people
People who have a mental or physical disability 
People who are dealing with addiction or some other mental health issue
And I find that people are very open
They want to chat 
They want to tell you their story 
Of course I am happy to listen
Maybe these people don't have anyone to talk to at home 
Maybe they don't get a chance to unwind and relax
And get away from the daily grind
I've heard some very sad stories this summer 
Stories that would break the coldest of hearts 
I must say 
It's been a pleasure to help these people enjoy a well earned holiday
And it's thanks to the charity that I work for that they do get a holiday
Work is coming to an end now
I officially finish up in two weeks 
It's going to be hard to adjust to life without work again 
But I'll be back next year for sure 
Just try and stop me...

In other news 
Starting next week
I stead of doing one horse riding lesson on a Wednesday morning 
I will be spending half the day out there 
Which means I get to do two lessons 
One on my own 
And I also get to help out in the stables 
And the care of the horses 
I don't have words to describe how excited I am to be spending more time at the stables 
The horses 
The people 
The trainers 
Everything comes together to make it such a special place 
I am just so happy when I am out there 
I park my troubles at the gate
I get up on Star
And I just ride 
There is nothing going on in my head 
Other than how much I am enjoying it
The horses have been a life line for me
I can't emphasise how important it is to find healthy replacements for dangerous habits and behaviours 
I have tried going cold turkey 
'White knuckling' it as they say 
Trying to get through on sheer will power alone 
Will power will get you so far 
But we need to find reasons to stay well
Or stay clean and sober 
As I'm sure every addict whose ever attempted recovery knows 
Giving up drugs is one part 
Probably the easier part 
The hard part is trying to figure out how to get through life without relying on substances 
In my case 
I was lucky 
In that I got the chance to do a methadone programme 
And that has worked for me
Again I was lucky in that I had the opportunity to move area
And get away from my old using life 
I had a fresh start
And even though moving is not the answer 
It helped me enormously 
Learning to live in reality was my biggest hurdle 
I had spent so long numbing myself with drugs, pills, food and lack of food
I couldn't handle reality 
At least my own reality
I found life boring 
Especially given the drama and the rollercoaster of emotions that ensued in addiction and disordered eating 
Getting used to life on life's terms is not easy 
The need to escape is huge 
Even now I use sleep as an escape 
Well hey
That's pretty anodyne compared to injecting class A's in to your neck
I do love sleep though 
I love to dream 
Even the not so nice dreams are fun
As you wake up and realise that it was in fact just a dream

Anyway 
I keep going off on tangents here 
But I do have a dilemma 
And need your help
It's not life or death or anything like it 
Ok
So I bought a coat during the week
That cost €90
Then today 
In the post 
I received a letter in the list from the guards 
Informing me that I had been caught speeding 
70km in a 50km zone 
With a fine of €80
Here in lies my dilemma
Should I return the coat and pay my fine?
Or should I keep said coat and save up money over the next couple of weeks to pay the fine?
I kind of feel like I don't deserve the coat   
That I should pay in some way
So I'd be interested to know what you think
To keep or not to keep the coat
That is the question.....

Monday 29 August 2016

Monday

Oh my Gosh!
I can't tell you how lovely it feels to have A few days off
I've worked the last four days 
And for most of those days I've had the mother of all hangovers 
But I guess that's the price one pays for a good night out 
I still can't remember a lot about the night 
But I am assured that we had a great night 
With great craic
And good company
I know that I didn't do anything to disgrace myself 
Or embarrasse myself 
I  know I told the chef a little about my history 
But that's ok
I'm not ashamed 
I have nothing to hide 
I have to admit though 
I feel a little bit hurt by the revelations that the chef likes Sinead
I can't lie 
My heart is a little bit bruised 
And I feel slightly silly that I actually though that he might like me
How wrong was I?
Very wrong apparently 

It just seems like I am always passed over for the girl who is younger than me
Thinner than me 
And prettier than me
I never seem to get the guy
And I'm just wondering 
If it will ever happen for me
My mam has pointed out 
That I am only really starting to get out and about and meeting people very recently 
She assures me that there is someone out there for me 
I hope she is right 
Because people 
Where is he already?

Work yesterday was lovely 
We had a group of 36
And even though they were quite 
Demanding 
They were so lovely 
But my God I was kept on my toes 
Between one thing and another 
It was nice because I was there every day with them 
And got to know them 
Their names 
Their stories
And of course they quickly got to know my name 
All I could hear all day long was Ruby, Ruby, Ruby!!!
And Christ on a bike 
I've never seen people my whole life 
They got through bread like  it was going out of fashion!
Yesterday morning 
One of the ladies asked me if I could organise a cake for one of the other ladies who was turning 60
So I got on to the chef
And he made two cakes pretty quickly 
We also managed to find birthday candles 
So
After tea 
We lit the candies 
And I carried the cake up all the while singing Happy Birthday
The woman who turned 60
I think she is special needs 
But the smile on her face was just priceless
She was so surprised 
So overwhelmed 
She must have hugged me ten times 
And thanked me a hundred times
It really made my day
Then when I was leaving for the evening 
Some of the ladies came back to me
And gave me a tip 
Which was so lovely of them 
I know that people staying in our centre don't have a lot of money
Do a gesture like that 
Is really appreciated 
I have another three weeks of work before I finish up
Then I will be at a loose end 
So I am on the look out for something to do
Whether that's another job
A course 
Or volunteering 
Hopefully something will come up

So
That's me for another day folks 
I am now going to catch up on your blogs and some much needed sleep
See you on the flip side......

Saturday 27 August 2016

Post party....

My God
It's been a crazy few days 
It's only now that I am getting the chance to post
And make sense of it all
On Thursday night 
We had our staff party
We met up at a bout 7pm in a local pub
Where we had a couple of drinks 
Yes
You read correctly 
I did have a drink
I know I probably shouldn't have 
But look 
It's done now 
I can't go back and change it 
So 
Then we headed to bingo
We went to bingo
Because the two housekeepers are leaving after this season
So we wanted to do something that they would enjoy 
I have to say 
It was great craic
Myself and Mary spent most of our time running up and down to the bar
I was on vodka and orange juice 
And people kept buying me doubles 
So as you can imagine 
I was well on it by the time we were finished the bingo
It was great though 
One of the ladies won €40
And one of the house keepers won €100
So we were delighted for them 
Some of the ladies left straight after the bingo
So there was just four of us left
and we headed on to a pub where a band was a playing 
Of course the alcohol was flowing freely 
I can only remember bits and pieces 
But it was great fun
And I was with good friends 

You know I wrote a few times about a crush that I had 
Well it was one of the chefs 
Who didn't come out with us that night 
His brother is also a chef 
And did come out with us 
At one stage 
One of the girls pulled me in to the loo
And broke it to me that my crush likes one of the other girls 
A very young 
Very tiny 
19 year old 
I have to admit 
I didn't not see that one coming
But thinking about it now 
I can see that my crush is more a good friendship more than anything else 
And maybe that is better 
I'm not heart broken or anything like it 
But it seems that the guys I like never like me back 
Why people?
Why?
Besides that 
We had a great night 
We danced 
We chatted 
We sang 
We took photos 
One of the girls even took a video of us dancing 
God forgive me 
If that ends up in a social media site 
I will go ape shit 

After the pub 
We walked up to the town
But I swear to God 
I don't remember a thing from that time until the time I got home
Not An iota 
Apparently we went to a night club
No memory of that 
We went for food 
No memory of that 
We walked one of the girls home 
Then I had to ring my mam for a lift 
As the taxis don't run at that hour of the morning 
I. Got home at 6am
What the hell I was doing until 6am 
I do not know 
At one stage during the night 
The chef asked me if I liked the other chef 
I have no clue what I said to him
But I'm hoping I didn't say anything about my supposed crush
I do however remember telling him about my drug history 
He was shocked to say the least
But I get like that when I have a few drinks taken 
My tongue becomes very loose altogether 
But hey 
I harmed so one 

Yesterday morning 
I got up at 11am
And my God I had the mother of all hangovers 
I haven't drank like that in years
Literally years 
I surprised I didn't pass out or get sick 
I got up 
Had a cuppa 
I couldn't face food 
And in fact I still couldn't face it today 
So I haven't eaten since Thursday 
Which is not good I know 
But I will have something this evening 
I then brought the dogs for a wAlk
Which cleared my head to a certain extent 
I came home And dozed on the couch 
Before I headed to work for 4pm
Sweet Jesus I was dying on my feet
And in fact I had to work an extra hour 
So that made the shift even longer
I got home last night 
And went straight to bed
Where I conked out like a light 
Then I had to be up today 
To be in work for 8am
It was not easy getting up this morning 
And I had another long day
Until 4pm
But in fairness 
The day went pretty quickly 
As we were so busy 
So I didn't have time to mull over things 
It was great fun today though
As we all tried to put the pieces of the night together 
There were some really funny momenus 
And the photos that we took are hilarious 
I really can't share them though 
As my others co workers are in all of them 
But I did post a couple of photos of what I wore at the end of this post

But yes
In all honesty 
I really should not be drinking 
Because I'm on a lot of Meds 
Because I have a history of addiction
Because I know I am a disaster area when I'm drunk 
But 
As we said today 
We harmed no one 
We got drunk 
Any harm was done to ourselves 
I won't be drinking like that again 
It was a once off
Not to be repeated 
When my mam and my auntie came to pick me up 
They meet some of my work friends
It was so funny 
Because we were all so drunk 
But it was harmless fun 
Today I feel a bit better 
I'm more tired than anything 
I'm in work again tomorrow at 12pm
So at least I have a lie in tomorrow morning 
Then I have a few days off
A chance to catch up on sleep 
And lick my wounds regarding the chef 

Work is finishing up for me in a couple of weeks 
It's going to be very strange to have no job 
I'll miss it 
The structure 
The routine 
The money 
But mostly the friends I have made
There are some really good and sound people working there 
Georgina picks her employees well
She seems to be able to read people quickly and accurately 
I really have made friends for life 
I've had jobs in the paSt 
Where I dreaded going in to work 
But not this job
The holiday centre is a very special place 
And both staff and guests are a pleasure to work for 
I can remember Georgina saying to me at the start of the summer 
That I would flourish in this job 
And you know what?
She was dead right 
I have come on leaps and bounds in the last few months 
My confidence 
My self esteem 
My whole demeanour and outlook has chAnged 
And I Am so grateful to Georgina for giving me a chance 
Because that's all I needed
For someone to give me a chance 
And now I know I will be kept in mind if anything else comes up work wise 
I will keep in touch with Georgina anyway 
And we'll see what happens 

Again 
Apologies for being a bad blogger 
For not being as committed as I used to be
And my reading and commenting has left a lot to be desired 
But look
I'm not blogging because I'm out there 
Living my life 
Working hard 
Playing hard
And generally being on the go the whole time 
But that's good
It great 
I now have a life 
I have a job 
Friends 
My horizons are expanding 
And my issues with food are very much in the background 
Which is nothing short of amazing 
Don't get me wrong 
Things are far from perfect 
But they are a hell of a lot better than they were 
I'm trying my best 
And look
I know I shouldn't have drank last night 
But I did 
And I will know for again not to have even one drink
Because as soon as I get a taste for it 
I can't stop myself 

Anyway 
I will leave it at that for today 
I am super tired 
So just going to flake out on the couch 
With a cuppa 
And watch The X Factor
What did I say earlier about having a life......?


Thursday 25 August 2016

Party!!

Today is Thursday 25 of August
Which means tonight is my staff party
Every year
Towards the end of the season
They head out for a well deserved treat
Last year they went to the races
But this year we are going to, wait for it...
....Bingo!!
Yes Bingo!
Why on earth are you going to Bingo I hear you ask 
Well
The two house keepers at work are avid Bingo fans 
And this is their last year working before they retire 
So we decided to do something that they would enjoy 
We are meeting in a pub this evening at 7pm 
Then after a couple of drinks 
We are heading to Bingo for 8pm
They will most likely go back to the pub afterwards 
I am both really looking forward to tonight 
And dreading it in equal measures
Obviously 
I won't be drinking 
And I have been thinking about how I'm going to manage that 
In reality
I don't need to explain myself to anyone 
But I know I am going to be asked what I want to drink 
And I'll just be asking for a soft drink 
Really it's no ones business whether I drink or not 
All I need to say is that I don't drink
Period

I'm getting my hair done at 3pm
I'm getting some braids on one hAlf of my head 
And I'm going to wear a sleeveless shirt with jeans and some smart trainers 
For me 
Comfort is the priority 
I spent too many years 
Trying to be someone I wasn't 
And let me tell you 
That is utterly exhausting and soul destroying 
Thank the Lord that I don't have to do that any more 
Any way 
Look 
I will go 
And do my best to have a good time 

So 
I better run 
I will post tomorrow to let you know how it went 
And of course to share some photos with you....
That is a given
Ok
Talk soon 
And see you on the next post....

Party!!

Today is Thursday 25 of August
Which means tonight is my staff party
Every year
Towards the end of the season
They head out for a well deserved treat
Last year they went to the races
But this year we are going to, wait for it...
....Bingo!!
Yes Bingo!
Why on earth are you going to Bingo I hear you ask 
Well
The two house keepers at work are avid Bingo fans 
And this is their last year working before they retire 
So we decided to do something that they would enjoy 
We are meeting in a pub this evening at 7pm 
Then after a couple of drinks 
We are heading to Bingo for 8pm
They will most likely go back to the pub afterwards 
I am both really looking forward to tonight 
And dreading it in equal measures
Obviously 
I won't be drinking 
And I have been thinking about how I'm going to manage that 
In reality
I don't need to explain myself to anyone 
But I know I am going to be asked what I want to drink 
And I'll just be asking for a soft drink 
Really it's no ones business whether I drink or not 
All I need to say is that I don't drink
Period

I'm getting my hair done at 3pm
I'm getting some braids on one hAlf of my head 
And I'm going to wear a sleeveless shirt with jeans and some smart trainers 
For me 
Comfort is the priority 
I spent too many years 
Trying to be someone I wasn't 
And let me tell you 
That is utterly exhausting and soul destroying 
Thank the Lord that I don't have to do that any more 
Any way 
Look 
I will go 
And do my best to have a good time 

So 
I better run 
I will post tomorrow to let you know how it went 
And of course to share some photos with you....
That is a given
Ok
Talk soon 
And see you on the next post....