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Sunday 20 November 2016
Saturday 19 November 2016
Bumpy week
Yes
This week has been bumpy to say the least
I was off Monday and Tuesday with severe bouts of diarrhoea
I went in Wednesday
And yesterday
But I had to get off the horse to run to the bathroom
So I really didn't get to ride which was disappointing
So instead
I groomed
And helped out in the yard
Today I am off again
As I have a doctors appointment
So I'm hoping to get to the bottom of this
Ha! Pardon the pun!
But seriously
I do need to get this under control
I've had diarrhoea since I started the course
Which is five weeks now
I was managing it
But it's got to the point where I'm afraid to do anything
In case I need the loo
As I said in my last post
I really think it's anxiety
I was talking with my sisters partner last night
And she was asking why I am anxious
After some thought
I realised that it was because I feel I'm not good enough
That I am stupid
And am not able for this course
I worry about everything
About falling behind
Being asked questions and not knowing the answers
About how I'm doing socially
Wondering what my weights doing
Struggling to eat at breaks
So really and truly there is a lot going on
It's no wonder my body is taking a hit
And the thing is
It's a catch 22 situation
If I go in to my course
I feel anxious and have diarrhoea
If I don't go in
I don't feel anxious
And I don't have it
So when I do stay at home
I feel I should have gone in
But if I go in
I wish I stayed at home
What to do ....
I'm not sure what my doctor is going to do
But I hope there is a solution that doesn't involve taking a pill
I was wondering if any of you have experience this
And how did you deal with it?
It's starting to get me down
And I know the more time I miss
The more I fall behind
And the harder it will be to get back in to the swing of things
Anyway
I digress
In other news
Mam is away for two weeks
So am trying to keep the house running in some sort of order
The weather is so bad that I'm not getting out with the dogs as much
But they come for spins in the car and seem to be happy enough with that
My Dad is staying with us for a while
He has improved a bit
Which is great
Food wise I'm doing ok
Struggling a bit to eat in school
But I'm eating a dinner in the evenings
I'm not entirely sure
But I don't think I've lost weight
If I have it's not much
Mood is good
I feel positive
Despite the issues I'm having
But I'm optimistic that there is a solution
So if you have any suggestions
I'd love to read them.....
Tuesday 15 November 2016
Sick
I'm off school today
And was off yesterday too
Since I started my course four weeks ago
I've been experiencing severe bouts of diarrhoea in the mornings
At first I put it down to my change in routine
And adjusting to my course
But recently
It's been getting worse
I get like clockwork every morning
But not for the rest of the day
On Sunday night
I woke up and threw up a few times
So just to be sure
I took yesterday off
I got up this morning
Planning to go in
But I had too pretty bad bouts in quick succession
So I made an executive decision
And decided to stay at home
I did speak to my doctor last week
And he said to keep an eye on it
And notice when I am getting it
And when I don't
Over the weekend
I didn't have any diarrhoea at all
But come Monday morning
It came back
I'm starting to think that it might be nerves or anxiety
I don't actually feel stressed
But I guess it could be bubbling away under the surface
Starting this course was a huge step
And I think it's perfectly natural to feel nerves and anticipation
But I thought four weeks in I would feel a bit more settled
Of course
In saying that
I am still adjusting
And finding my feet
But I definitely believe that emotional stresses can cause physical reactions
I rang my doctor today
And the receptionist told me that I couldn't be seen
She said I could go in only if it was an emergency
I told her I needed a cert for school
But she said that wasn't an emergency
Nice
So I'll have to wait until Friday to get a sick cert
It's nice to have a couple of days off
But I would much rather be in school
As I don't want to miss out
Because I am struggling to keep up as it is
Apart from that
I am doing welll
I feel good
I feel healthy and strong
Not weak or delicate like I used to
I'm loving my course
Two new girls started this week
But I haven't met them yet
Which is more anxiety meeting new people
The girls on my course have been just lovely
Texting me to check on me
And just being good friends
I am going to go in to tomorrow regardless
Because I know the longer I leave it
The harder it will be to get back in to a routine
Anyway
Just a quick post today
Thanks for reading
And see you on the next post....
Friday 11 November 2016
Facebooking from the edge....
I have only recently started using Facebook
I was blissfully ignorant to it for a long time
I avoided it for a few reasons
The number one being that I had no life
And it made me feel really lonely and envious of all the people who seemed to have these fantastic lives
Basically
If I had a FB account this time last year
All I would be posting is pictures of mountains of food, toilets and vomit
And let's face it
That is nothing to brag about
I had nothing positive to report at all
Also
I simply couldn't handle seeing images and videos of cruelty to animals
These images stayed lodged in my brain
And I literally couldn't go on knowing about the atrocities that we as humans do to animals
It's a bit of a tug of war for me
I don't want to know these things
Yet at the same time I want to be aware of what is going on
Take this morning for example
I scrolled through my news feed
And stumbled upon an article about animals being skinned alive in India and China
To make out leather goods
I broke down after reading the article
I utterly despaired
And did not want to be part of the human race if this is what we do to creatures that show nothing but loyalty and unconditional love
I just don't understand it
I really don't
After the tears subside
The anger sets in
And the absolute need to do something about
I signed a petition
I shared it on Facebook
And wrote a post about my feelings
But it doesn't feel like enough
I've been thinking about becoming vegetarian for a while now
And now knowing where most of our leather comes from
I'm even considering vegan ism
The only thing is
That I don't know the first thing about it
I don't know how to cook vegan food
I'm not even sure which foods are vegan
I just want to do something
Even if it's in my own small way
After this
I went in to the kitchen
And sat on the floor with Honey and Lea
I hugged them tightly
And thanked my lucky stars that I am able to give two dogs a good and loving home
Anyway
Look
I could write for days about this
But I'll stop here as I just have no more tears
In other news
Today is Friday
And I usually have a half day today
But today I am off sick with some sort of bug
I've had diarrhoea for about two weeks now
And I just feel so tired and weak
It's nice to have a day off though
Even if I don't feel all that well
So I now have a month done of my course
Some things are getting easier
But I must admit
I do struggle to retain information
Thank you 12 years of drug abuse
For my brain like a sieve
For low self esteem and confidence
For an inherent inability to like myself
Or to believe in myself
For putting me through hell
And not forgetting anorexia and bulimia
For my weak body
A malfunctioning body
And for any lack of life skills
Oh yes
They have treated me well
So because of all this
More often than not
I feel like the class dunce
I always seem to be asked the question I don't know the answer to
And never the one I do know the answer to
Yesterday I walked away from my stable and left the door open!
Our tutor shouted at me from across the yard
And I felt so embarrassed
But
I'll never make that mistake again
That's for sure
I struggle with the equipment
I forget the names of things
During our riding lesson
Our tutor had us take our feet out of our stirrups
Asked us questions
And we could only get our stirrups back when when answered our question correctly
I had to do two laps of the arena like this
And boy did I feel stupid
On a positive note
I am now cantering
And not by accident
Yesterday morning I was on a beautiful dun mare called Bambino
What a beauty
I think she has been my favourite so far
She was lovely and forward to ride
Responded with little effort from me
Just a joy to ride
I was surprised when our tutor told me to canter
As if had no instruction
It was just out of the blue 'Canter at the next corner'
I kicked on Bambi
Sat in to the saddle
Leg behind the girth
And the sprang in to a canter
Such a rush
A definite improvement on my day
I only have a couple of photos this week
Below is Arnie having a rest
And me chillin' with Bambi.....
Sunday 6 November 2016
Sunday - Positives of the week
It was a short week
Only four days as Monday was a bank holiday
I wrote two essays
I met a friend from treatment on Tuesday for lunch
I managed to eat breakfast and lunch on a couple of occasions
I rode a new horse called Jigsaw
Who was a total pet
And really looked after me
I made it through the week without crying or having a meltdown
I didn't ring in sick even though I felt fine
I mounted both Blue and Jigsaw from the ground
I fed the little pony down the road from me
I didn't smoke even though I had a huge craving
I budgeted my money well
I took my meds correctly
I gave my Mam more money than usual for bills
I started up conversation with a stranger
I made it through week 3 of my course
What were the positives of your week?
Saturday 5 November 2016
Write, delete, repeat
I just wrote
And promptly deleted a post about stopping blogging
I said goodbye and everything
But the truth is
I don't want to stop writing
Even if it's only once a week
I love it
And I love you
So I'm not going anywhere
Not yet anyway
I guess I need to be more active on blogger in order to maintain the friendships I have made
It's a balancing act
My real life
And my virtual one
But I feel a duty to you
And to all the ED sufferers out there
To show that recovery is possible
The thought of leaving blogger is too much
Blogger was there when I needed it
So I will be there for blogger
And all the readers out there
For better or for worse
I am not going anywhere....
Saturday 29 October 2016
Week 2
It seems since starting my course
That I'm only posting once a week
I'm just so very tired during the week
That when I get home
I don't have the energy to do anything
But anyway
I made it through week 2
Which I must admit
Was a lot tougher than week 1
The other new girl who started with me hasn't come back
She was offered a job
So I guess she took that
I think I already mentioned
That we spend three days in the classroom
Two days of doing our portfolios
And one day of horsemanship theory
Then we spend two days in the stables
It's one extreme to another
The classroom is laid back
No pressure
And the stables is hard physical work
It's go go go
So
On a Thursday we get a bus out to the stables
And gather in the classroom to go over some stuff
Our tutors name is Grainne
And she is one hardy buck
She pulls no punches
And takes no shit
Truth be told
I'm just a little bit afraid of her
Our other tutors name is Joanna
And I swear
Only for her
I don't think I would have got through this week
Where as Grainne is tough and hard on us
Joanna is kind and super encouraging
It's a kind of good cop, bad cop I guess
After the classroom
We head to the stables to muck out
We find a wheel barrow
A pitch fork and a brush
And literally clean all the droppings and old hay and anything that's damp or wet
Let me tell you
It's not easy
Once your barrow is full
You wheel it around to the dung heap
But even wheeling it is hard work
And boy do I struggle
Then
You go to the very edge of the heap
And tip the barrow over
Emptying the contents over
This also is not easy
Having done that
You go back to where the saw dust is
Fill your barrow
Wheel it back to the stable
And tip it in for new bedding
Then you brush it out
And job done
This week I've mostly been cleaning out Blue
A real pet
Once you have mucked out
And presuming that you have any energy left
You are assigned a horse
And it's time to groom and tack him up
So
I get a grooming kit
Put a head collar on the horse
And tie him up
I brush him down
And pick out the dirt in his hooves
I actually enjoy this part
As you feel a connection with the horse
I talk to them
And it's just very enjoyable
Grooming done
It's time to tack him up
I get Blues bridal and his saddle
The bridal goes on first
Then the saddle
It's actually the equipment that I have been really struggling with
I look at a bridal
And all I see is a pile of leather straps and buckles
It makes no sense to me at all
This is where Joanna is a great help
As well as being very nice
She is also a great teacher
With endless patience
So
I get the bridal on
And the saddle
Before I know it
It's time for our first lesson
On Thursday
There were five of us in the lesson
I lead Blue in
Adjust my stirrups and my girth
I'm looking for the block to mount Blue
But one of the girls encourages me to mount him without it
I'm doubtful I can do it
But I try
And I do it!!
I feel so happy that I actually did it!
The lessons here are much different to the horse therapy I was doing
I'm these lessons we get no breaks
It's straight in to a trot
And it's action stations for the whole hour
Circles
Little jumps
Jumping position
It's tough going
You would think that sitting on a horse is easy peasy
But make no mistake
It's is a workout riding a horse
Your legs
You arms
Your core
They are all engaged and working hard
My buddy Blue is quite lazy
He cuts corners
Although that's my fault for letting him
He is a devil to get going
And when he comes to a jump he stops dead and literally steps over it
But I still love him
He looked after me well
After our first lesson
We intact the horses
Groom them again
And put their rugs on
The Grainne brought us in to the tack room
And we had to take apart
And put back together a bridal
Boy did I struggle
But with help I got it done
I was totally confused though
I know I wouldn't be able to go that again
After that
It was lunch time
Do we headed upstairs to relax for a hour
Last week
I bought a thermos flask
So I can have hot tea all day
What a great buy it was
During lunch I began to struggle
Our group in small
But there are some really big personalities
And I really don't feel like I am fitting in
I feel like I am an outsider
And yes
I know I'm still very new
And these people all know each other a lot longer
I have really made an effort to talk to them
But during lunch on Thursday
I felt so left out
That I could feel tears stinging my eyes
I texted my Mam
And she texted me back such a lovely text that I had to fight back the tears
I just wanted to go home
And the day felt endless
After lunch
We groomed and tacked the horses again
And had our second lesson
Holy shit did I struggle
I literally had no puff left in me
Everything hurt
And Blue was hard work bless him
There were time when I thought I was going to have to stop
But I pushed through
And got through the lesson
Then we untracked the horses
And gave them a quick groom
I swear I was so glad to see the end of that day
I got the bus home
Stinking of horse shit
I got home
And I was in serious agony from all my exertions
My legs were seriously sore
I lay on the couch with a hot water bottle trying to get comfortable
And went to bed early
Yesterday
I have to admit I was dreading the day
I got in to town early
And was so very tempted to ring in sick
I just couldn't face another day of hard work and feeling left out of the group
But I figured that I only had a half day
And I would probably regret it if I didn't go in
We arrived to the stables
Gathered in the classroom
And Grainne had a test waiting for us
I actually surprised myself with how much I had learned in the past two weeks
And I didn't do half bad
Then it was time to muck out
Groom
And tack
I was assigned a different horse today
A beautiful boy called Arrow
Who was a it bigger than Blue
I felt a bit more comfortable and confident with the tack today
I'm slowly but surely getting the hang of it
We headed in to the arena
And again
I managed to mount Arrow without the block
I can't tell you how good it feels to do that
I felt like a proper horse rider
Straight away
Arrow felt quicker
And more forward than Blue
He felt great though
When it was my turn to trot on my own
I obviously gave Arrow too much of a kick
And he shot off in to a canter
I loved it!
It was a real buzz
But I guess I learned that I don't need to be so hard kicking him on
Again though
I struggled to get through the lesson
And felt so exhausted
But
It eventually came to an end
I untacked Arrow
And gave him another quick groom
And put his rug on
Then we practised doing tail bandages on the horses tail
Which you do when the horse is travelling
Then
Before I knew it
It was lunch time
And the day was over
I can't tell you how relieved I was to finish this week
I also have Monday off
So I have an extra day to recharge my batteries
We got the bus back in to town
And I met my Mam
Before heading home
I was literally sweating bullets
So the first thing I did when I got home was have a hot shower
To wash off what was a really tough week
Then I had to go to the doctor and collect my meds
I must admit
This week I really had to ask myself the question
Is this for me?
Am I enjoying this?
And what are my options after the course?
I'm 35
Am I starting off too late?
Am I doing the wrong thing?
I spoke to my Mam
And she made the point that I lost a lot of years to addiction and my ED
I have had to work my ass off to get t the point where most people start off
And also the physicality of the work is kicking my ass
My body is still recovering
And I'm not as strong as the others
Also
I know that I am losing weight
I can feel it
And it's not they I'm trying
It's that I am going do much hard work
So I know I need to be careful
As if I continue to lose weight
I'll never be able to do this course
But look
I had a tough couple of days
An the fact that I don't feel part of the group is getting to me
However
I'm not giving up just yet
I will give the course a proper go
I am giving it my best though
And that's all I can do
Thanks for sticking with me guys
I know I haven't been the best blogger recently
Life has been shooting forward faster than I can keep up with it
But hopefully I will get used to it
I truly hope you are all doing ok
You are never far from my thoughts
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