Saturday 19 November 2016

Bumpy week

Yes 
This week has been bumpy to say the least
I was off Monday and Tuesday with severe bouts of diarrhoea
I went in Wednesday 
And yesterday 
But I had to get off the horse to run to the bathroom
So I really didn't get to ride which was disappointing 
So instead 
I groomed 
And helped out in the yard
Today I am off again
As I have a doctors appointment 
So I'm hoping to get to the bottom of this 
Ha! Pardon the pun!
But seriously 
I do need to get this under control 
I've had diarrhoea since I started the course 
Which is five weeks now 
I was managing it 
But it's got to the point where I'm afraid to do anything 
In case I need the loo
As I said in my last post
I really think it's anxiety 
I was talking with my sisters partner last night 
And she was asking why I am anxious 
After some thought 
I realised that it was because I feel I'm not good enough 
That I am stupid 
And am not able for this course 
I worry about everything 
About falling behind 
Being asked questions and not knowing the answers 
About how I'm doing socially 
Wondering what my weights doing 
Struggling to eat at breaks 
So really and truly there is a lot going on
It's no wonder my body is taking a hit 
And the thing is 
It's a catch 22 situation 
If I go in to my course 
I feel anxious and have diarrhoea 
If I don't go in 
I don't feel anxious 
And I don't have it 
So when I do stay at home 
I feel I should have gone in
But if I go in
I wish I stayed at home
What to do ....
I'm not sure what my doctor is going to do 
But I hope there is a solution that doesn't involve taking a pill
I was wondering if any of you have experience this 
And how did you deal with it?
It's starting to get me down 
And I know the more time I miss 
The more I fall behind 
And the harder it will be to get back in to the swing of things 
Anyway 
I digress 

In other news 
Mam is away for two weeks 
So am trying to keep the house running in some sort of order 
The weather is so bad that I'm not getting out with the dogs as much 
But they come for spins in the car and seem to be happy enough with that 
My Dad is staying with us for a while 
He has improved a bit 
Which is great 
Food wise I'm doing ok
Struggling a bit to eat in school
But I'm eating a dinner in the evenings 
I'm not entirely sure 
But I don't think I've lost weight 
If I have it's not much 
Mood is good 
I feel positive 
Despite the issues I'm having 
But I'm optimistic that there is a solution 
So if you have any suggestions 
I'd love to read them.....

Tuesday 15 November 2016

Sick

I'm off school today
And was off yesterday too
Since I started my course four weeks ago
I've been experiencing severe bouts of diarrhoea in the mornings
At first I put it down to my change in routine 
And adjusting to my course 
But recently 
It's been getting worse 
I get like clockwork every morning 
But not for the rest of the day
On Sunday night 
I woke up and threw up a few times
So just to be sure 
I took yesterday off 
I got up this morning 
Planning to go in 
But I had too pretty bad bouts in quick succession 
So I made an executive decision
And decided to stay at home 
I did speak to my doctor last week
And he said to keep an eye on it
And notice when I am getting it
And when I don't 
Over the weekend 
I didn't have any diarrhoea at all
But come Monday morning 
It came back 
I'm starting to think that it might be nerves or anxiety 
I don't actually feel stressed 
But I guess it could be bubbling away under the surface 
Starting this course was a huge step 
And I think it's perfectly natural to feel nerves and anticipation
But I thought four weeks in I would feel a bit more settled 
Of course 
In saying that 
I am still adjusting 
And finding my feet 
But I definitely believe that emotional stresses can cause physical reactions 
I rang my doctor today 
And the receptionist told me that I couldn't be seen 
She said I could go in only if it was an emergency 
I told her I needed a cert for school
But she said that wasn't an emergency 
Nice 
So I'll have to wait until Friday to get a sick cert 
It's nice to have a couple of days off 
But I would much rather be in school 
As I don't want to miss out 
Because I am struggling to keep up as it is 

Apart from that 
I am doing welll
I feel good 
I feel healthy and strong 
Not weak or delicate like I used to
I'm loving my course 
Two new girls started this week
But I haven't met them yet
Which is more anxiety meeting new people 
The girls on my course have been just lovely 
Texting me to check on me
And just being good friends 
I am going to go in to tomorrow regardless 
Because I know the longer I leave it 
The harder it will be to get back in to a routine 

Anyway 
Just a quick post today 
Thanks for reading 
And see you on the next post....

Friday 11 November 2016

Facebooking from the edge....

I have only recently started using Facebook
I was blissfully ignorant to it for a long time 
I avoided it for a few reasons 
The number one being that I had no life 
And it made me feel really lonely and envious of all the people who seemed to have these fantastic lives
Basically 
If I had a FB account this time last year
All I would be posting is pictures of mountains of food, toilets and vomit 
And let's face it
That is nothing to brag about 
I had nothing positive to report at all
Also 
I simply couldn't handle seeing images and videos of cruelty to animals 
These images stayed lodged in my brain
And I literally couldn't go on knowing about the atrocities that we as humans do to animals 
It's a bit of a tug of war for me
I don't want to know these things 
Yet at the same time I want to be aware of what is going on
Take this morning for example 
I scrolled through my news feed 
And stumbled upon an article about animals being skinned alive in India and China 
To make out leather goods 
I broke down after reading the article 
I utterly despaired 
And did not want to be part of the human race if this is what we do to creatures that show nothing but loyalty and unconditional love 
I just don't understand it 
I really don't 
After the tears subside 
The anger sets in
And the absolute need to do something about 
I signed a petition 
I shared it on Facebook
And wrote a post about my feelings 
But it doesn't feel like enough 
I've been thinking about becoming vegetarian for a while now 
And now knowing where most of our leather comes from 
I'm even considering vegan ism 
The only thing is 
That I don't know the first thing about it 
I don't know how to cook vegan food 
I'm not even sure which foods are vegan
I just want to do something 
Even if it's in my own small way 
After this 
I went in to the kitchen 
And sat on the floor with Honey and Lea
I hugged them tightly 
And thanked my lucky stars that I am able to give two dogs a good and loving home 
Anyway 
Look 
I could write for days about this 
But I'll stop here as I just have no more tears 

In other news
Today is Friday 
And I usually have a half day today 
But today I am off sick with some sort of bug 
I've had diarrhoea for about two weeks now 
And I just feel so tired and weak
It's nice to have a day off though 
Even if I don't feel all that well
So I now have a month done of my course 
Some things are getting easier 
But I must admit
I do struggle to retain information
Thank you 12 years of drug abuse
For my brain like a sieve 
For low self esteem and confidence 
For an inherent inability to like myself 
Or to believe in myself 
For putting me through hell
And not forgetting anorexia and bulimia 
For my weak body 
A malfunctioning body
And for any lack of life skills 
Oh yes
They have treated me well
So because of all this 
More often than not 
I feel like the class dunce 
I always seem to be asked the question I don't know the answer to 
And never the one I do know the answer to
Yesterday I walked away from my stable and left the door open!
Our tutor shouted at me from across the yard 
And I felt so embarrassed 
But 
I'll never make that mistake again 
That's for sure
I struggle with the equipment 
I forget the names of things 
During our riding lesson
Our tutor had us take our feet out of our stirrups 
Asked us questions 
And we could only get our stirrups back when when answered our question correctly 
I had to do two laps of the arena like this 
And boy did I feel stupid 
On a positive note 
I am now cantering 
And not by accident 
Yesterday morning I was on a beautiful dun mare called Bambino
What a beauty 
I think she has been my favourite so far 
She was lovely and forward to ride 
Responded with little effort from me
Just a joy to ride
I was surprised when our tutor told me to canter 
As if had no instruction
It was just out of the blue 'Canter at the next corner'
I kicked on Bambi
Sat in to the saddle 
Leg behind the girth
And the sprang in to a canter 
Such a rush 
A definite improvement on my day

I only have a couple of photos this week
Below is Arnie having a rest 
And me chillin' with Bambi.....






Sunday 6 November 2016

Sunday - Positives of the week

It was a short week
Only four days as Monday was a bank holiday

I wrote two essays 

I met a friend from treatment on Tuesday for lunch

I managed to eat breakfast and lunch on a couple of occasions 

I rode a new horse called Jigsaw
Who was a total pet 
And really looked after me 

I made it through the week without crying or having a meltdown

I didn't ring in sick even though I felt fine 

I mounted both Blue and Jigsaw from the ground 

I fed the little pony down the road from me 

I didn't smoke even though I had a huge craving 

I budgeted my money well

I took my meds correctly 

I gave my Mam more money than usual for bills 

I started up conversation with a stranger 

I made it through week 3 of my course

What were the positives of your week?

Saturday 5 November 2016

Write, delete, repeat

I just wrote 
And promptly deleted a post about stopping blogging
I said goodbye and everything 
But the truth is 
I don't want to stop writing 
Even if it's only once a week
I love it 
And I love you
So I'm not going anywhere
Not yet anyway
I guess I need to be more active on blogger in order to maintain the friendships I have made 
It's a balancing act 
My real life 
And my virtual one 
But I feel a duty to you 
And to all the ED sufferers out there 
To show that recovery is possible 
The thought of leaving blogger is too much 
Blogger was there when I needed it
So I will be there for blogger
And all the readers out there 
For better or for worse 
I am not going anywhere....

Saturday 29 October 2016

Week 2

It seems since starting my course 
That I'm only posting once a week
I'm just so very tired during the week
That when I get home 
I don't have the energy to do anything 
But anyway 
I made it through week 2
Which I must admit 
Was a lot tougher than week 1
The other new girl who started with me hasn't come back 
She was offered a job 
So I guess she took that 
I think I already mentioned 
That we spend three days in the classroom 
Two days of doing our portfolios 
And one day of horsemanship theory 
Then we spend two days in the stables 
It's one extreme to another 
The classroom is laid back 
No pressure 
And the stables is hard physical work 
It's go go go
So 
On a Thursday we get a bus out to the stables 
And gather in the classroom to go over some stuff 
Our tutors name is Grainne 
And she is one hardy buck 
She pulls no punches 
And takes no shit 
Truth be told 
I'm just a little bit afraid of her 
Our other tutors name is Joanna
And I swear 
Only for her 
I don't think I would have got through this week
Where as Grainne is tough and hard on us 
Joanna is kind and super encouraging 
It's a kind of good cop, bad cop I guess 
After the classroom 
We head to the stables to muck out 
We find a wheel barrow 
A pitch fork and a brush 
And literally clean all the droppings and old hay and anything that's damp or wet 
Let me tell you 
It's not easy 
Once your barrow is full
You wheel it around to the dung heap 
But even wheeling it is hard work 
And boy do I struggle 
Then 
You go to the very edge of the heap 
And tip the barrow over 
Emptying the contents over 
This also is not easy 
Having done that 
You go back to where the saw dust is 
Fill your barrow 
Wheel it back to the stable
And tip it in for new bedding 
Then you brush it out 
And job done 
This week I've mostly been cleaning out Blue 
A real pet 
Once you have mucked out 
And presuming that you have any energy left 
You are assigned a horse 
And it's time to groom and tack him up 
So 
I get a grooming kit 
Put a head collar on the horse 
And tie him up 
I brush him down 
And pick out the dirt in his hooves 
I actually enjoy this part 
As you feel a connection with the horse 
I talk to them 
And it's just very enjoyable 
Grooming done 
It's time to tack him up
I get Blues bridal and his saddle 
The bridal goes on first 
Then the saddle 
It's actually the equipment that I have been really struggling with 
I look at a bridal 
And all I see is a pile of leather straps and buckles 
It makes no sense to me at all
This is where Joanna is a great help 
As well as being very nice 
She is also a great teacher 
With endless patience 
So 
I get the bridal on 
And the saddle 
Before I know it 
It's time for our first lesson 
On Thursday 
There were five of us in the lesson
I lead Blue in 
Adjust my stirrups and my girth 
I'm looking for the block to mount Blue 
But one of the girls encourages me to mount him without it 
I'm doubtful I can do it 
But I try 
And I do it!!
I feel so happy that I actually did it!
The lessons here are much different to the horse therapy I was doing 
I'm these lessons we get no breaks 
It's straight in to a trot 
And it's action stations for the whole hour 
Circles 
Little jumps 
Jumping position 
It's tough going 
You would think that sitting on a horse is easy peasy 
But make no mistake 
It's is a workout riding a horse 
Your legs 
You arms 
Your core 
They are all engaged and working hard
My buddy Blue is quite lazy 
He cuts corners 
Although that's my fault for letting him
He is a devil to get going 
And when he comes to a jump he stops dead and literally steps over it
But I still love him 
He looked after me well
After our first lesson 
We intact the horses 
Groom them again 
And put their rugs on 
The Grainne brought us in to the tack room 
And we had to take apart 
And put back together a bridal 
Boy did I struggle 
But with help I got it done 
I was totally confused though 
I know I wouldn't be able to go that again 
After that 
It was lunch time 
Do we headed upstairs to relax for a hour 
Last week 
I bought a thermos flask 
So I can have hot tea all day 
What a great buy it was 
During lunch I began to struggle 
Our group in small 
But there are some really big personalities 
And I really don't feel like I am fitting in 
I feel like I am an outsider 
And yes 
I know I'm still very new 
And these people all know each other a lot longer 
I have really made an effort to talk to them 
But during lunch on Thursday 
I felt so left out 
That I could feel tears stinging my eyes 
I texted my Mam
And she texted me back such a lovely text that I had to fight back the tears 
I just wanted to go home 
And the day felt endless 
After lunch 
We groomed and tacked the horses again 
And had our second lesson 
Holy shit did I struggle 
I literally had no puff left in me 
Everything hurt 
And Blue was hard work bless him
There were time when I thought I was going to have to stop 
But I pushed through 
And got through the lesson 
Then we untracked the horses 
And gave them a quick groom 
I swear I was so glad to see the end of that day 
I got the bus home 
Stinking of horse shit 
I got home 
And I was in serious agony from all my exertions 
My legs were seriously sore 
I lay on the couch with a hot water bottle trying to get comfortable 
And went to bed early 

Yesterday
I have to admit I was dreading the day 
I got in to town early 
And was so very tempted to ring in sick
I just couldn't face another day of hard work and feeling left out of the group 
But I figured that I only had a half day 
And I would probably regret it if I didn't go in
We arrived to the stables 
Gathered in the classroom 
And Grainne had a test waiting for us 
I actually surprised myself with how much I had learned in the past two weeks 
And I didn't do half bad
Then it was time to muck out 
Groom 
And tack 
I was assigned a different horse today 
A beautiful boy called Arrow
Who was a it bigger than Blue 
I felt a bit more comfortable and confident with the tack today 
I'm slowly but surely getting the hang of it 
We headed in to the arena 
And again 
I managed to mount Arrow without the block 
I can't tell you how good it feels to do that 
I felt like a proper horse rider 
Straight away 
Arrow felt quicker 
And more forward than Blue
He felt great though 
When it was my turn to trot on my own 
I obviously gave Arrow too much of a kick 
And he shot off in to a canter 
I loved it!
It was a real buzz
But I guess I learned that I don't need to be so hard kicking him on
Again though 
I struggled to get through the lesson 
And felt so exhausted 
But 
It eventually came to an end 
I untacked Arrow 
And gave him another quick groom 
And put his rug on 
Then we practised doing tail bandages on the horses tail 
Which you do when the horse is travelling 
Then 
Before I knew it 
It was lunch time 
And the day was over 
I can't tell you how relieved I was to finish this week 
I also have Monday off 
So I have an extra day to recharge my batteries 
We got the bus back in to town 
And I met my Mam 
Before heading home 
I was literally sweating bullets 
So the first thing I did when I got home was have a hot shower 
To wash off what was a really tough week 
Then I had to go to the doctor and collect my meds 

I must admit 
This week I really had to ask myself the question 
Is this for me?
Am I enjoying this?
And what are my options after the course?
I'm 35 
Am I starting off too late?
Am I doing the wrong thing?
I spoke to my Mam
And she made the point that I lost a lot of years to addiction and my ED
I have had to work my ass off to get t the point where most people start off
And also the physicality of the work is kicking my ass
My body is still recovering 
And I'm not as strong as the others 
Also
I know that I am losing weight 
I can feel it 
And it's not they I'm trying 
It's that I am going do much hard work 
So I know I need to be careful 
As if I continue to lose weight 
I'll never be able to do this course 
But look 
I had a tough couple of days 
An the fact that I don't feel part of the group is getting to me 
However 
I'm not giving up just yet 
I will give the course a proper go
I am giving it my best though 
And that's all I can do

Thanks for sticking with me guys 
I know I haven't been the best blogger recently 
Life has been shooting forward faster than I can keep up with it 
But hopefully I will get used to it 
I truly hope you are all doing ok
You are never far from my thoughts