I got a few photos posted on my last post
But it won't seem to let me post the most recent Ines
If you want to add me on Facebook
Email me or leave a comment
All the photos of Coco and the last month are there....
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Saturday 21 January 2017
Thursday 19 January 2017
Coco meets Lea...
My goodness
It's only the early afternoon
And it's already been an eventful day!
Lea had an appointment with the vet first thing this morning
It was pretty good news
Lea isn't in pain
And the meds seem to be working
She recommended a food supplement
And possible pet physiotherapist
But I know swimming is good for it to
So I'd rather do that with Lea
The vet did say that Lea losing some weight would help joints
It's always a blow to hear that
As I don't want to be the reason my dog is struggling
I don't think Lea gets fed a massive amount
But when she is getting treats and tidbits from so many people
It all adds up I guess
So we just need to keep an eye on her
And be mindful with food
She is a trooper though
She's a good girl
After a quick cuppa at home
Myself, Mam and Lea headed off to meet Coco and his owner
Honey elected to stay in her bed
The drive over takes about 20 minutes
Cocos owner lives at the edge of a lake
And on a bright day like today
It was just glorious
We drove up the lane
And found Coco, his owner and Ruby the three legged dog waiting for us
We changed in to our wellies
Which are a must
Thanks wasn't sure how Lea was going to behave around Coco and Ruby
Ruby was so full of beans
And Coco seemed to be delighted to have so many visitors and playmates
We headed in to the field
Cocos owner has a bucket of feed for him
And Coco danced around him as we walked over to a walled area of the field
Lea was a gentle giant as ever
I sat down
And Coco tucked in to his feed
When he was finished
He came over to me
And I had a juicy carrot for him
Again
He thoroughly investigated me
My hair
My hands
My jacket
My hood
My hair was in a bun
And at one point he had it in his mouth which was funny!
But even though he is so big
He is so gentle with it
So there I was
Sat in the middle of a field
On a beautiful winters morning
Lea on one side
Coco on the other
Pure bliss!
I couldn't have been happier
I shit you not
Cocos owner and Ruby left us then
And got the boat back to his house
So myself and Mam decided to bring all the animals on a little walk
We walked around the field
Coco followed us
He was so interested in Lea
And kept trotting over to her
Then a couple of times
He broke into a canter which was just adorable
I too lots of photos
And a video
Which I can seem to post
I will try and figure it out
Anyway
It was a lovely way to spend a morning
Coco is slowly but surely melting my heart
I can see so much potential in him
And it's obvious he loves company and attention
As I type this
I can get the scent of him on my hands
It's such a lovely smell
A real country and earthy smell
I guess now that I live in the country
I am a country girl
I've probably always been at heart
As I never felt comfortable in towns or cities
It just goes to show
That I made the right decision about my course
I now know I did the right thing
I guess I thought that if I gave up the course
Then I gave up horses
But that's not the case at all
In fact
I've been spending more time with horses now than I did when I was doing my course
Monday I visited the white pony
Tuesday I had a riding lesson
Wednesday I had horse therapy
And today I visited Coco
I am happy out
No stress
No pressure
Just a relaxed pace
And I'm doing it on my terms
A reader left a comment on my last post that it's a shame I don't post anymore
I know I don't post as much as I used to
But I do still post at least once a week
So please do check in as I am still writing
I suppose I don't rely on my blog as much as I used to
And I definitely don't read as many blogs as I used to
But I really want to keep this blog going
As it means so much to me
It saved my life countless times
As did my lovely readers
You have been there over the last five years
Five. Years!
Has it really been that long?
It has gone by so very quickly
And I am so glad I have a written account of the last few years
My journey from scared, suicidal, emaciates girl
To healthy and happy woman
It's been a hell of a ride so far
And I'm excited to see what life has in store for me
If nothing it will be interesting
And that always keeps things fun
Now that things are going well for me
I desperately want to help others who are in a similar situation to what I was
Whether they be eating disordered
Drug addicted
Addicted to anything really
One thing I have learned over the last year
Is that when you take away the drug
Or the drink
Or the restricting or purging
A massive hole is left
And something needs to fill it
For me
I took away the purging
And I quickly filled the hole with shopping
That was also utter madness
And thankfully I have stopped the mindless spending
But when I stopped
Again there was a hole left
And this time
I have filled it with my love for animals
This is a much healthier hobby/addiction
One that's actually good for me
So really I guess filling the hole can go either way
You can fill it with something unhealthy and damaging
Or you can fill it with good things and healthy things
That's just my experience
Ha ha
I just realised I spent the last paragraph writing about filling your hole
Lol!
But you know what I mean
Anyway
I off to make a cuppa and relax for a while
See you on the next post....
Friday 13 January 2017
When one door closes....
....another window opens
And it's so true!
I went in to school on Tuesday to officially sign off of my course
I wasn't looking forward to going in
And seeing everyone
But as luck would have it
I only ran in to a couple of the girls
And they were lovely
I had to go to one of my tutors
He asked how things were going
I told him I was struggling
And needed to take some time off
He said the door is always open
And that I had been doing really well with my course work
Pity he didn't tell me that at the time
I could have done with some positive feedback
Anyway
I am now off the course
And I have to tell you
It's like a weight lifted off my shoulders
And I'm not the only one
Three other girls have left too
But I'll get back to that
I went home feeling relieved
If a little sad about what to do next
I got home
Later on
My sister came in from work
And said she needed to speak to me
Apparently
There is a guy she works with
Who has a pony
And needs help looking after him
My interest was instantly peaked
The horse is a piebald cob
He used to belong to travellers
Who used him to pull vehicles
And generally didn't treat him well
His present owner has him about a year
And up until recently he had a horsey companion who unfortunately died
So the owner thinks the pony is lonely
I immediately emailed the owner
Who sent me information and pictures
The pony has been renamed Coco
And needs help to be caught
And fed
So I am going to visit Coco and his owner tomorrow
And I don't need to tell you
I am super excited!
I am going to show that pony so much love he won't know what hit him
But first things first
We need to be introduced
We need to build a relationship and trust
And I have I doubt it will take time
Patience is not a virtue I possess
Being a greedy addict
I want everything now!
I just know this pony is going to teach me so much
I haven't even met him and I love him already!
Now I know I made the right decision about my course
This is what I want to be doing
Helping animals that have had a bad start in life
And show them love and care and trust
I just know me and Coco are going to be besties...
In other news
I went back to horse therapy this week
Back with my friends
And my buddy Star
It was amazing
I loved every second
I would post pictures but this app won't let me for some reason
By the way
If anyone wants to be friends on Facebook
Email me and I'll give you my name
I also met one of the girls from my course for tea yesterday
She also has left the course
We had a great chat
And compared notes about our experience
We are a similar age
And we both found the classroom difficult
The gossip
Discussing everyone's business
We came to the conclusion that our horsemanship tutor was great
But our horse riding instructor was really tough going
The atmosphere in that stables was tense
We were shouted at
Ridiculed
I was a nervous wreck going to the stables each week
To the point that I was dreading going in
I also had to question where I was going after the course
And what kind of job I wanted to get
I now know that my heart lies in the rescue of animals
I'm not really interested in competing or anything like it
I want to help horses and donkeys
That is my calling I think
And of course horse riding is a great hobby
For both physical and mental exercise
All I know is that animals make me so happy
My own dogs are two life savers
I can't even begin to tell you how much they mean to me
Which is why I was so upset over Leas recent diagnosis
She is doing well though
She gets her meds every morning
She's eating and drinking well
Her form is good
She is on rest thoughts
So no walkers for her
Which I think she is finding tough
The vet recommended swimming though
So when the weather improves I will bring her to the natural pool down at the beach
She is going back to the vet next week
So hopefully she continues up stay well
As for me?
I am doing pretty good
I feel stable
My body feels strong and able
Purging is a rarity
And I'm not restricting or weighing
I look ok
I don't love it
But I don't hate it either
I was speaking with my Dad this morning
We were in the supermarket
And he asked me if I needed Anything
I said no
I didn't need anything
He reminded me of the days I used up but bags of shopping every day
Spending a fortune on food that would eventually be flushed down the drain
It. Was. Bat shit crazy!
I was a woman possessed
I spent my days eating and purging
Weighing myself multiple times a day
My mood as well as my weight was like a yo-yo
Very unstable
Very out of control
It was pretty scary
To feel like I just couldn't stop
I used to wake up in the night
And eat a packet of biscuits no bother to me
Now the thought of purging makes me come out in a cold sweat
Now I eat little abs often
I don't binge
I don't restrict
At this point
I must stress
That things are by no means perfect
They never will be
And that's ok
I am doing my level best
And I am as close to happy as I have ever been
But I must admit
Like a typical addict
I tend to look for replacements for the issue that I have under control
And for the last couple of years
That addiction has bounced to my spending money
Namely on clothes
Last year
When I was working
I was earning a nice little wage
I saved nothing
Nada
Not a red cent
I spent all my money on Fatface and Superdry and Roxy
My room is bursting at the seams with hoodies and jeans and shoes and boots
It's ridiculous
More madness
I see something in line
And I think to myself
'If I had that jacket, my life would be complete!'
I buy it
I get the parcel in the post
I feel excited opening it
Trying it on
And the novelty soon wears off
Then
I'm straight back on the web looking at more clothes
Make of that what you will
I gave an addictive personality
When I become interested in something
I am so enthusiastic
So eager to learn and do and help
Now that I have realised the madness of my internet shopping
That issue had to be replaced
And it has been replaced
By horses
Which is pretty healthy compared to some of my own past addictions and obsessions
At least I can't harm myself or anyone around me
This is just me.
When I like something
I love it and just want to be around it all the time
And will do anything to do so
This is why I made a good addict
Single minded and stubborn to the bitter end
But
Even though I go from zero to sixty in jig time
It can be a good thing
I get things done quickly and efficiently
But it also means I tend not to pace myself
And jump in feet first without thinking things through
I guess it's both a blessing and a curse
So
I think that is all the news from my world
Lots of positive things happening
I feel good about the future
I feel positive that everything will be ok
I will be ok
I
Will
Be
Ok....
Wednesday 4 January 2017
2017
A new year friends
Where is the time going?
This year I am five years blogging
It's been an amazing few years
So many highs and lows
Ups and downs
Relapses and slips
Trying to recover
Trying to fight for a better life
I can't lie and say I enjoyed Christmas
I found it pretty stressful and boring all at the same time
My appetite is non existent at the moment
I don't know why
But I can't even look at food
Never mind eat the stuff
I guess they could be stress related too
Also still have diarrhoea on a regular basis
Which makes no sense at all
But that's an anxious, recovering body for you
Over the break
I was supposed to make a decision about my course
To continue or not to continue
This is the major cause of my stress
Not being able to make a decision
Fearing I'll make the wrong decision
And changing my mind ten times a day
I decided to look at my other options
And booked a lesson at a stables near my house
Which I've never been to before
It was a private lesson yesterday
It was an outdoor arena
And damn was it cold!
But I learned so much
And was given some great advice that really helped my technique
So I booked a lesson for next week
And the lady told me that I can go an hour early and help get the horses ready
As well as staying after for a while too
This is all great
The downside is the cost
It was €40 for an hour long private lesson
That is almost a quarter of my weekly budget
But another argument is that I smoked and drank and used that money and more away for years
At least this is something worthwhile
I guess I will see how I manage
If I can't afford it
I can't afford it
Then today
I met my friend Fintan
And went back to horse therapy
Where I started my horse riding journey
I didn't get to ride
But it was so nice to see everyone
I missed them
I had a chat with the lady
And she said I can always go back there
As well as doing the six week course they are running
So that's another option
I just need to make a decision
I contacted our course tutor today
And made an appointment to see her on Friday
I just feel so torn
The thoughts of continuing my course makes me feel beyond anxious
But the thoughts of leaving make me feel so sad
I think I know what I need to do though
There's no point hanging on to something that is making me feel so bad
Still though
It's another thing I've started and not finished
I wonder if people will feel disappointed
Let down
But despite that
I think it's the right thing to do
There are other things to consider
My recovery
Before Christmas
My meds were all over the place
I was misusing them
Using them to knock myself out
I came clean to my doctor
He increased my methadone and anti anxiety meds
And has me on supervised daily visits to the chemist
Yes
It's a pain in the buttocks
But it is helping keep me on the straight and narrow
So yea
There is a lot going on
But that's life isn't it?
There's always something
Bumps in the road
It's just a matter that of keeping going
Despite what life throws at you
And look
Whatever happens
I'll be around horses
In one way or another
I still visit my little white pony friend down the road
She is a total pet
I've started bringing the dogs to see her too
And she is very curious to see the
Now when she sees me coming
She greets me with a nicker
And comes running over
After three months of visiting her
She has started to let me pet her
Which is huge progress I think
I had been given advice
That I should ask the owners permission before I feed her anything
So I decided to leave a note for the owner
I carefully wrote a friendly letter with my favourite purple pen
And sellotaped it to the gate
I went back the next day to check if it was gone
And I found the pony eating it
Go figure...
Anyway
That's all that's happening in my little world
Hopefully now I have more time
I will get to blog and read more then I currently am
I wish you all a very happy new year
And I hope all your hopes and dreams come true in 2017
By the way
Is anyone else massively triggered by all the diet/weight loss talk at the moment?
Yea
Me too
Until the next post....
Thursday 29 December 2016
29 Part 2
Apologies that the last two posts have been a bit all over the place
For some reason blogger won't let me go back and edit them
So Part 1 ends very abruptly
But I will try and pick up where I left off
So yes
I'm in the supermarket
Picking up anything that looks good
Bread
Ham
Relish
Crisps
Chocolate
Pasta
Pizza
Biscuits
Peanuts
And of course a big bottle of 7up
All the easier to purge with my dear
There is no rhyme or reason
It's a shopping frenzy
I'm craving both savoury and sweet in equal amounts
Then I head to the check out
Although I have been known to walk straight out of the shop without paying
But I haven't done that in a long time thankfully
Being caught tends to cop you on
My food could cost anything up to €50
Which is a lot if you're buying this every day
I pack all my shopping
And head for home
I drive at break neck speed
I can't wait to get home and dive head first in to a messy, tasty full on, mo holds barred binge
I plan what I'm going to eat in what order
I get home and immediately get a big pot of pasta on
While it's cooking
I break open the peanuts
And literally inhale them
Barely even chewing them
I get area in my living room ready
I sit on the floor
So I put newspaper down
Bring in salt and pepper
And a pint glass of 7up
I find a good show to watch
And I am good to go
I Hoover up the pasta
With gulps of 7up
I eat much more than I am comfortable with
As I know it won't be staying down for long
As soon as the food is devoured
I'm always on the way down to the bathroom
Lock the door
Tie my hair back
Roll up my sleeves
Now over the toilet bowel
I barely have to use my fingers
As the food heaves it's way back up
After the deed is done
I clean myself and anything else that needs it
And head back up for round two
The day goes on like this
A constant, relentless march from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom
The food goes down
Then comes back up
Again
And again
And again
This is the life of a bulimic
A binge is defined so by its secretive nature
And like any addict worth their salt
You become adept at mastering your crime
This is the reality of an eating disorder
It's messy
It's disgusting
It brings you to your rock bottom
I can't even tell you how I got out of that cycle
As I'm not even fully sure myself
But I got out
I was lucky
I can't even imagine having the energy or the stamina to do that now
And it all just seems like a dreadful waste of time, money and energy
I am so glad to have made it out the other side
That life was killing me slowly
Now I am living
I eat to live
I don't live to eat
I will be ok
And so will you....
For some reason blogger won't let me go back and edit them
So Part 1 ends very abruptly
But I will try and pick up where I left off
So yes
I'm in the supermarket
Picking up anything that looks good
Bread
Ham
Relish
Crisps
Chocolate
Pasta
Pizza
Biscuits
Peanuts
And of course a big bottle of 7up
All the easier to purge with my dear
There is no rhyme or reason
It's a shopping frenzy
I'm craving both savoury and sweet in equal amounts
Then I head to the check out
Although I have been known to walk straight out of the shop without paying
But I haven't done that in a long time thankfully
Being caught tends to cop you on
My food could cost anything up to €50
Which is a lot if you're buying this every day
I pack all my shopping
And head for home
I drive at break neck speed
I can't wait to get home and dive head first in to a messy, tasty full on, mo holds barred binge
I plan what I'm going to eat in what order
I get home and immediately get a big pot of pasta on
While it's cooking
I break open the peanuts
And literally inhale them
Barely even chewing them
I get area in my living room ready
I sit on the floor
So I put newspaper down
Bring in salt and pepper
And a pint glass of 7up
I find a good show to watch
And I am good to go
I Hoover up the pasta
With gulps of 7up
I eat much more than I am comfortable with
As I know it won't be staying down for long
As soon as the food is devoured
I'm always on the way down to the bathroom
Lock the door
Tie my hair back
Roll up my sleeves
Now over the toilet bowel
I barely have to use my fingers
As the food heaves it's way back up
After the deed is done
I clean myself and anything else that needs it
And head back up for round two
The day goes on like this
A constant, relentless march from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom
The food goes down
Then comes back up
Again
And again
And again
This is the life of a bulimic
A binge is defined so by its secretive nature
And like any addict worth their salt
You become adept at mastering your crime
This is the reality of an eating disorder
It's messy
It's disgusting
It brings you to your rock bottom
I can't even tell you how I got out of that cycle
As I'm not even fully sure myself
But I got out
I was lucky
I can't even imagine having the energy or the stamina to do that now
And it all just seems like a dreadful waste of time, money and energy
I am so glad to have made it out the other side
That life was killing me slowly
Now I am living
I eat to live
I don't live to eat
I will be ok
And so will you....
29 Part 1
It's that funny time of the holidays
The days in between Christmas and New Years
When you don't know what day it is
What time it is
When time ceases to have any meaning
I'm off school until next Tuesday
So I still have a few more days off
My best friend called out yesterday
Fintan
I met him through horse therapy
Back in March of this year
We clicked
And have become firm friends since
So he called out to me yesterday
We had lunch with my parents
Then for a walk on the beach
We talked
We laughed
Me took selfies
And laughed at the results
He knows that I am trying to make a decision about whether to continue my course or not
And he hasn't said it outright
But from what I can gather
He doesn't think I should be paying the price of my health for my course
And it is suffering
I'm a ball of anxiety
Which in turn is giving me severe attacks of diarrhoea
Which is draining me physically And mentally
So I decided to see what other options were open to me
And rang a stables near to my house
And asked about doing lessons
As well as learning about the care of horses
And stable and yard management
Which is all possible
She said if she finds me useful she will keep me around
I also have the option of going back to horse therapy
And they are actually starting a course about horse husbandry too
So there are a few options
I can't lie
The thought of going back to school fills me with dread
The only thing keeping me there is the horses
If there was no horse riding on this course
There is not a hope in hell I would be doing it
That says it all I think
Anyway
I have it talked to death
So I am going to stop writing about it too
In other news
I was in my local supermarket this morning
I was stocking up on dog supplies
And was at the self service check out
When I hear someone say 'Hello stranger'
I looked up
And saw a girl that I haven't seen in years
I know her through recovery
As she had very similar issues to me
With food, alcohol and drugs
I gave her a huge hug
And we stood and chatted for a while
The last time I saw her
She had relapsed back in to her ED
And was not in a good place
But today
I was delighted to hear that she is now back on track
When we were friendly
We used to go to meetings together
Including food meetings
This girl was on a food plan
Where she weighed and measured all her food
And completely cut out sugar, wheat and flour
I always thought it was extreme
And didn't even attempt to try it
So this girl moved 5 hours away
To go to treatment
And is now. Training to be a personal trainer
I was delighted to see her
And to see her doing so well
We talked about the madness of our EDs
And it really was pure insanity
It got me thinking about my own eating disorder
And the black hole I was in I can remember two years ago
When I was on the endless fucked up ride that is bulimia
I swear
I don't know how I did it
Back then
This is how my day went
Wake up with a food hangover
Use the loo
Strip
Weigh myself
And measured my self hatred by the number that flashed in front of me
Then
Cup of tea and a smoke
And I would see what kind of food I was craving that day
Check the cupboards
And make a mental list of what foods I needed to buy
Then I would jump in my car with the dogs
And head to the beach
Walks were not enjoyable
I often became weak and dizzy
And had to sit down to gather my strength
Walk over
I headed to the supwrmar
And make a mental list of what food I needed to buy
Then I'd jump in my car with my dogs
And head for the beach
Walks were not enjoyable
As I regularly felt dizzy and weak
And often had to sit to gather my strength
After that I would head to the supermarket
Hunger is the best sauce
I would grab a basket
And begin throwing food in to it
Bread
Ham
Relish
The days in between Christmas and New Years
When you don't know what day it is
What time it is
When time ceases to have any meaning
I'm off school until next Tuesday
So I still have a few more days off
My best friend called out yesterday
Fintan
I met him through horse therapy
Back in March of this year
We clicked
And have become firm friends since
So he called out to me yesterday
We had lunch with my parents
Then for a walk on the beach
We talked
We laughed
Me took selfies
And laughed at the results
He knows that I am trying to make a decision about whether to continue my course or not
And he hasn't said it outright
But from what I can gather
He doesn't think I should be paying the price of my health for my course
And it is suffering
I'm a ball of anxiety
Which in turn is giving me severe attacks of diarrhoea
Which is draining me physically And mentally
So I decided to see what other options were open to me
And rang a stables near to my house
And asked about doing lessons
As well as learning about the care of horses
And stable and yard management
Which is all possible
She said if she finds me useful she will keep me around
I also have the option of going back to horse therapy
And they are actually starting a course about horse husbandry too
So there are a few options
I can't lie
The thought of going back to school fills me with dread
The only thing keeping me there is the horses
If there was no horse riding on this course
There is not a hope in hell I would be doing it
That says it all I think
Anyway
I have it talked to death
So I am going to stop writing about it too
In other news
I was in my local supermarket this morning
I was stocking up on dog supplies
And was at the self service check out
When I hear someone say 'Hello stranger'
I looked up
And saw a girl that I haven't seen in years
I know her through recovery
As she had very similar issues to me
With food, alcohol and drugs
I gave her a huge hug
And we stood and chatted for a while
The last time I saw her
She had relapsed back in to her ED
And was not in a good place
But today
I was delighted to hear that she is now back on track
When we were friendly
We used to go to meetings together
Including food meetings
This girl was on a food plan
Where she weighed and measured all her food
And completely cut out sugar, wheat and flour
I always thought it was extreme
And didn't even attempt to try it
So this girl moved 5 hours away
To go to treatment
And is now. Training to be a personal trainer
I was delighted to see her
And to see her doing so well
We talked about the madness of our EDs
And it really was pure insanity
It got me thinking about my own eating disorder
And the black hole I was in I can remember two years ago
When I was on the endless fucked up ride that is bulimia
I swear
I don't know how I did it
Back then
This is how my day went
Wake up with a food hangover
Use the loo
Strip
Weigh myself
And measured my self hatred by the number that flashed in front of me
Then
Cup of tea and a smoke
And I would see what kind of food I was craving that day
Check the cupboards
And make a mental list of what foods I needed to buy
Then I would jump in my car with the dogs
And head to the beach
Walks were not enjoyable
I often became weak and dizzy
And had to sit down to gather my strength
Walk over
I headed to the supwrmar
And make a mental list of what food I needed to buy
Then I'd jump in my car with my dogs
And head for the beach
Walks were not enjoyable
As I regularly felt dizzy and weak
And often had to sit to gather my strength
After that I would head to the supermarket
Hunger is the best sauce
I would grab a basket
And begin throwing food in to it
Bread
Ham
Relish
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