Saturday, 4 March 2017

Still here...

I am still here 
I know 
I'm not terribly active here on blogger anymore
But I do like to check in once in a while
I've had a busy week to say the least
Mary had asked me to do some media interviews as part of EDAW
So I did two radio interviews
And two newspaper interviews
I have to tell you
It was a scary business
But I think they went well
I really did my best 
And I wanted to do for all ED sufferers out there
And for you 
Monday I did Ocean FM
Which was live in the studio
At one point I went completely blank 
Couldn't remember what I was doing
Or saying 
 Couldn't even remember my own name 
But I think I managed to pick it up again without too much dead air
The interviewer was lovely 
And Mary and my Mam  were there
I couldn't ask for better support
It lasted about 15 minutes 
And I did my best to get everything in to the interview 
Of course when it was over 
I thought of all the things I could have said 
But look
It's done now 
After the interview on Monday 
We picked up the newspaper I featured in
I went in to the shop
And there I was on the front page
I nearly died
And immediately became super self conscious 
Theng there was a big photo of myself and Mary on page 11
Oh my God it was a very strange experience seeing myself in print
Then on Tuesday 
I had an interview on Shannonside FM
Which was over the phone
Again I was very nervous 
At one point I mentioned my blog 
And the interviewer asked me for the name of it
I didn't know what to say 
So I said I would tell him after the interview 
He didn't push the issue after that 
I was so relieved to have all the interviews over with 
I probably will never know if I helped anyone 
I know in the days following 
Two girls presented to Mary having heard my interviews
That in itself is amazing!
To know I made a difference 
And my story mattered

On Wednesday 
I went horse riding 
And we had the final day of our course 
So they did a little graduation ceremony 
And we got certs and ribbons
So lovely 
I am thoroughly enjoying horse riding again 
I wish I could do more of it
I know now that I made the right decision leaving my course 
I have no doubt about that 

In other news 
You might have seen that I made a Facebook page for me, my dogs and Coco
Being a bit of a technophobe 
I am still trying to navigate my way through it 
I don't know how to share the link here 
So if someone could let me know 
I would be hella grateful
But yes 
My relationship with Coco continues to blossom
I love that little pony so much 
He brings so much happiness to my life 
Bit by bit 
He has relaxed around me 
And is letting his personality shine 
He is such a character 
A cheeky monkey 
One of his favourite things to go is pull my hat off my head 
And play with it in his mouth
He also likes to run around like a complete lunatic 
He drinks tea 
He rolls around 
We play chase 
And generally have a lot of fun
I am now taking charge of feeding him
And more interest I show in him
The more his owner stands back 
So I'm not really sure what is happening 
But I'm too attached now to walk away

In other news
I booked a day photographer to come and take photos of me and the dogs and Coco
We are going to do it in the field 
It costs €90 everything included
So I think that's pretty good going 
Can't wait to share them with you 

That's all from me today 
Hope you are all doing ok
And if someone could please tell me how to share the link to my page 
I will love you forever....

Monday, 27 February 2017

On the radio....

It's been a busy week
Last Monday did an interview with a local newspaper 
About my story 
And it bring EDAW 
It was very timely 
I did my best 
And I did it for all ED sufferers
Whether you are in the midst of your illness 
Or in recovery 
I did it for you 
The newspaper came out today 
It was a good article 
And both mine and Mary's main points were covered 
Today I did an interview on local radio
Which was an experience let me tell you 
Again Mary was with me 
And we both got through it 
At times I looked to Mary for support 
And she would give me a little wink to let me know I was doing ok 
I have to tell you 
It was nerve wrecking 
And I was a bit of a nervous wreck 
Sitting in the studio
Waiting for my cue
Was pretty terrifying 
But once I started to speak
I was ok
T he interviewer was very good 
And had obviously done some research about the subject
At one point
After he had asked a question
I am went completely blank
I couldn't remember the question
What I was talking about
And what the fell was going on
But somehow I managed to pick it up again
And I don't think it was noticed 
In the middle of the interview 
One of my friend texted in to the show 
And I have him a shout out which was funny
I really did my best though 
And try to cover the main points 
Dispel the myths 
And advice for people who are struggling 
All too soon 
It was over 
And the relief was massive 
I was glad just to have got through it 
And I hope it goes somewhat to help others who are suffering 
Tomorrow I have another interview on radio
And then I am finished thank God
I am not cut for this craic
It's exhausting 
But so worth doing 
I got some feedback after the interview 
It was all very positive 
And great to hear people's thoughts 

Helping people with an ED can be a minefield 
What do you say?
What do you not say?
When do you play good cop?
And when do you play bad cop?
I think you have to judge each case individually 
Sometimes it's appropriate to be gentle 
And sometimes stronger words are needed
I guess I am in the position now that I've seen the benefits of recovery 
And I know there is no need to suffer 
So it can be frustrating to watch someone self destruct again and again
I can only imagine what my family went through over the years 
Endless patience is a must when dealing with EDs
I am no poster girl for recovery 
I make mistakes every single day 
I say the wrong thing
Do the wrong thing
But I know that my heart is in the right place 
And I just want the best for those around me

I missed Coco today
Am going straight over to see him tomorrow adternoon
And tell him all about my adventures 
Because he has been part of my recovery too
He's part of the jigsaw puzzle that is my life and my recovery

If you would like to listen to the interview
You can find it on line 
Google Ocean FM
And look for the podcasts and Ruth's story
Now you know my real name 
But if you get a chance 
Have a listen
I'd love to know what you think...

Monday, 20 February 2017


As you may know
Eating Disorders Awareness Week starts the 27th February running until March 5th
Mary contacted me last week
To ask me if I would be interested in doing a couple of interviews with local press
So today I did a phone interview with a local newspaper 
It was all done on speaker phone 
And Mary was interviewed too
I hope we did a good job
As I'm very aware when doing these things that I am speaking for our whole community 
The interviewer was lovely 
Very kind and gentle 
And asked very intelligent questions 
Not just looking for the gory details 
I was quite a nervous nelly this morning 
But I was delighted to do something that might help others in the same situation
The press officer for our national health service gave a press release today 
And I was asked to supply a quote
I write a few lines about the myths surrounding EDs
And encouraged those suffering to reach out and seek help
I am doing an interview on local radio next Monday morning 
That will be challenging as it will be live 
But again 
I am privileged to be speaking for our community 
I don't know if these publications will be on line 
But I will certainly keep you posted

I was away this weekend 
And I missed my dogs and Coco something serious 
Can't wait to see Coco tomorrow
And it will be intetesting to see how he reacts when he sees me
I spoke this morning about how much animals have helped in my recovery 
My dogs 
My horse riding 
They are a huge part of my life now
And really make life worth living 

Must dash
Just wanted to let you know about EDAW
See you in the next post....

Saturday, 18 February 2017

The next chapter...

I have been feeling that my blog is coming to a natural end
It's five years now since I started writing 
And it felt like it might be time to stop
Where once I relied so much on this blog
And the people here 
Now I am living life 
And don't rely on it as much 
As well as that 
Blogger is so very quiet 
And i tend to use Facebook more
So I had been thinking about writing my last post
When it occurred to me
I can still write 
But instead of focusing on my eating disorder and addiction
I can write about what's happening for me now 
Because there is lots happening
I'm in a group on Facebook called Friendly Horse Chat 
And that's mostly where I post now
I asked the lovely people there 
If they would be interested in reading my blog 
And I got a great response 
So I will share the link with them
In other words 
I'm not going anywhere 
Just taking a different path

I'm away for the weekend 
And I have to be honest with you 
I am missing Coco something serious 
I usually spend my Saturday with him 
So I feel a bit lonely for him
I know it's only two days 
But I don't feel right until I get my daily dose of Coco
We went to a musical last night 
And I spent the interval watching videos of him
I have  it bad 
I love that little guy so much
And I will probably text his owner today to see how he is 
But of course I'm missing the dogs too
That goes without saying 
Things are going well with Coco
He even got me a Valentine's rose 
I know it was from Cocos owner 
But we will pretend it was from Coco 
I think I am making progress with him 
He seems quite comfortable around me now 
And has no problem thoroughly investigating me every time I visit him
I usually bring Lea or both dogs with me 
And we all run around the field like lunatics
I love to see Coco having fun
Running and bucking and frolicking 
It's such a lovely sight
I am learning like a complete looper running around the field 
But I really enjoy it 
And that is the main thing

In other news 
I've done four weeks of my horse course now 
Two more to go
I'm loving it 
And even though it's mostly stuff I've done before 
It's great to go over it again
The last few weeks I've been in a new riding group
With two other girls 
We all canter so I guess it makes sense to put us together 
I am thoroughly enjoying riding again 
My confidence had been knocked in my course before Christmas 
But I feel I am back feeling good again 
The last two weeks 
I've been on a new horse called Leroy
Who is a big boy
But a gentle giant with it
It's been so exciting riding a new horse 
And it feels like it just works 
Like it's all coming together 
I've also been thinking about the horsemanship course I was doing
And I think I'd like to go back to it at some point 
I feel like I have unfinished business there 
I will wait and see what happens 
Life has been taking me on such unexpected journeys recently 
So I'm excited to see what happens next
Life is good at the moment 
I feel happy and content 
I spend my days with the animals in my life 
And I just love it!

So yes 
I am sticking around for the moment 
I would have to stop writing this blog 
As it has been a life line over the years 
And back a few years ago 
Blogger was buzzing 
And it was really exciting to be part of it 
Now it is so quiet 
Which is a shame 
But I guess like me 
People have gone in to use other social media 
Like Facebook and Instagram
If you are interested 
I am goon to keep writing 
And let you know about my recovery rather than my illness 
Or if there is anything you would like me to write about in particular 
Do let me know 

Eating Disorders Awareness Week is coming up soon 
My counsellor Mary has asked me to do a couple of interviews with local newspapers and radio stations 
Which I will do 
I was also contacted my a journalist from a national tabloid newspaper and asked to do an interview 
I am unsure whether to do it or not 
As they have already asked for photos 
And I'm pretty sure they will be after the gory details like numbers, food diaries etc
But in fairness 
The journalist who contacted me has been quite tactful 
And says she wouldn't want me to do the interview if it would hinder my recovery 
I said I would think about it over the weekend 
But I was wondering what you guys thought 
Have you ever done an interview?
If you were me 
Would you do it?
I am very reluctant to give photos 
But I would be willing to give a head shot of when I was ill
I don't think I would be comfortable sharing a full body shot
I  would love to know your thoughts

Also before I go 
Hello and welcome to all my new readers!
I hope you get something from my blog and it's a pleasure to have your company 
Happy Saturday everyone!
See you on the next post!

Monday, 6 February 2017


I really do apologise for my lack of posting
I guess I have been busy living 
And I don't have the time to be writing as much as I used to
Back when I was in the midst of my illness 
I had nothing but time 
And posted every day
Because all I had in my life was the disorder 
It's was all I thought about 
Talked about 
Wrote about 
Read about 
But now
Things are a lot different 
I have regained weight to a healthy BMI
I no longer deny myself food in order to lose weight 
I used to purge up to 20 times a day 
Now it's a rarity rather than the norm
What a transformation it has been 
A crazy ride 
But I made it out the other side
I lived to tell the tale 
Now I don't think about food the way I used to
Food used to be the enemy 
Something to be feared 
Because food meant weight 
And weight was bad
Skinny was good 
And underweight was even better 
It was a safe place 
I was a sick person
That became my identity 
But rewind about 15 years
And after dabbling in drugs for a few years
I become addicted to heroin
While using 
I stayed in various different drug houses 
Where the number one priority was drugs 
Not food 
Not heating 
Every penny went on the drug 
So I would spend a few weeks in the drug house 
Then when the money ran out 
I would go home to recharge my batteries 
I can do clearly remember going home 
And being overwhelmed by all the food in the fridge 
I was so hungry 
But I felt so guilty that I had food 
And my drug using friends didn't 
This was the start of my associating food with guilt
And I've never been the same since 
My eating disorder began here 
Although it took me a long time to make the connection
But I know now that food is not the issue 
It's a symptom of a greater problem 
For me
I know I have an addictive personality 
Coupled with the fact that I struggle to live in reality 
I have low self esteem
And long to get away from my own thoughts 
I've been addicted to many things over the years 
Spending money 
Drifter chocolate bars 
Prescription meds 
I could go on and on...
The moral of the story is that I need to be careful
If I get a good feeling off something 
I tend to want it again and again 
And quickly get addicted
But at least now I am aware
And can keep an eye on my behaviour 
I've often talked about how addiction and an ED leave a gaping void when they are taken away 
Which needs to be addressed and filled with some thing healthy 
For me
I filled that void with my life of horses and animals in general 
And that is a hell of a lot better than drugs or shopping or drinking 

In other news 
I've been visiting Coco a good bit 
I usually go over three times a week
And being Mam and the dogs 
I think Coco is coming on leaps and bounds 
In the morning 
We give him a bucket of feed 
And an apple or a carrot 
After that it's play time 
And I run around the field with him and the dogs 
Coco has really taken a shine to Lea 
He follows her everywhere 
And one day when we sitting down 
He started to groom her 
Which was just adorable 
It's lovely to see Coco running and frolicking and bucking and playing
He seems to get a great kick out of all the attention he gets 
And I love to se him so happy 
Last week
I brought a grooming mitt over 
And gradually Coco let me groom his nose and face and chest 
I swear that pony has so much potential 
To watch him with Lea is just beautiful 
And he is so gentle with her   
Cocos owner Gordon  and me have been talking about getting him a companion
Gordon says it's up to me 
If I wanted to get a pony/horse for riding 
I don't need to tell you 
My eyes nearly popped out
And the excitement was massive!
The thoughts of getting my very own pony ?
That is the dream right there!
But look
I know this is something that I really shouldn't rush in to 
So I have land 
And plenty of it 
I have a companion 
I have the benefit of the knowledge from my course 
And also Gordon who has spent his whole life around horses 
I did get some good news last week
Thdtbi have my job again in the summer 
Starting May 
This is fantastic news!
And it means I will get a chance to save money
The plan is to work as many hours as I can 
Save every penny 
And hopefully at the end of the season 
I will have €2000-€3000 saved 
Enough to adopt a horse 
And to get started  
There are some great horse sanctuary in this country 
And I have contacted a couple of them 
So I will keep my options open 
But you guys 
How exciting is this?
Possibly getting my very first horse!
I never though that this could actually happen 
Having my own horse. 
Would give me a reason to stay well
A reason to get up in the morning
I feel super excited 
But I won't rush in to anything 
I need to 'pace myself' as my mother says 
This is not something to be decided on a whim
I need to be prepared 
I need the funds 
And the time and energy 
It's a massive commitment and responsibility 
I want to give my prospective horse the best life possible 
I can't wait to see what this year brings 

Is it just me or does blogger seem very quiet?
Do let me know if you are out there and still reading 
Let me know that I am not alone...

Saturday, 28 January 2017

Coco and Lea....BFFs

I visited Coco a couple of times this week
On Thursday with my Mam, the owner, Ruby the dog and Lea
And today just me and Lea
Coco and Lea are fast becoming besties 
Coco loves her
And follows her around the field 
Today they were running and frolicking 
It was just adorable
I brought a flask of tea 
And Coco thought this was fascinating!
As I drank my tea 
Lea lay down beside me
And Coco came over and started to groom her 
I just love how well they are getting on
After Lea's spinal diagnosis 
We were worried for her future 
But she seems to have found a new lease of life with her new buddy Coco
After a bit of investigating 
I have finally found out who owns the little white pony down the road
I have a phone number for him
It's a work number 
So I will try ringing on Monday 
I bought my first pair of 'country boots' this week
They are brown and are really a glorified welly
But they do the job out in the fields and in the yard
So yes 
The city girl in me is well and truly dead
I am now a country girl
And proud of it!

In other news 
I weighed myself this week
I don't know why 
But I was curious 
Seeing the number 
I was indifferent 
It meant nothing 
It wasn't good 
It wasn't bad 
It was what it was 
A number that holds no pleasure or pain for me anymore 
I think that is good 
I now appreciate my body a lot more 
It's strong 
It's capable 
It's able 
It allows me to go so much 
I'm no longer a physically weak girl 
Now I walk
I run
I ride horses 
I lift
I carry 
I fill out my clothes 
And I love it
But it isn't that long ago that I was in a bad place 
I know how it feels to have no hope 
No belief 
No faith
No reason to go on never mind recover 
In my that place it is incredibly difficult to take that first step in to recovery 
It's terrifying 
And the disorder that was a comfort zone 
Has now become a hiding place 
Anything beyond it I'd too much 
And too scary 
But I have to tell you 
If you do manage to take that first step 
The rewards are instant and massive 
Bigger and better than you could ever believe 
Your physical health will improve 
You will feel better 
You will think clearer 
You will make more sense 
Life will make more sense 
You will begin to see that there is life beyond the disorder 
No matter how deep you are in
It's just a matter of having the courage to shut your eyes 
Clench your fists
Lift one foot 
And take that first step 
You won't regret 
I promise you that 

I am now pretty sure that I did the right thing leaving my course 
I have no regrets 
And I am involved with horses more than ever now 
I am content 
I have moments of happiness 
I am ok 
I am ok