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Saturday 4 March 2017
Still here...
Yes
I am still here
I know
I'm not terribly active here on blogger anymore
But I do like to check in once in a while
So
I've had a busy week to say the least
Mary had asked me to do some media interviews as part of EDAW
So I did two radio interviews
And two newspaper interviews
I have to tell you
It was a scary business
But I think they went well
I really did my best
And I wanted to do for all ED sufferers out there
And for you
Monday I did Ocean FM
Which was live in the studio
At one point I went completely blank
Couldn't remember what I was doing
Or saying
Couldn't even remember my own name
But I think I managed to pick it up again without too much dead air
The interviewer was lovely
And Mary and my Mam were there
I couldn't ask for better support
It lasted about 15 minutes
And I did my best to get everything in to the interview
Of course when it was over
I thought of all the things I could have said
But look
It's done now
After the interview on Monday
We picked up the newspaper I featured in
I went in to the shop
And there I was on the front page
I nearly died
And immediately became super self conscious
Theng there was a big photo of myself and Mary on page 11
Oh my God it was a very strange experience seeing myself in print
Then on Tuesday
I had an interview on Shannonside FM
Which was over the phone
Again I was very nervous
At one point I mentioned my blog
And the interviewer asked me for the name of it
I didn't know what to say
So I said I would tell him after the interview
He didn't push the issue after that
I was so relieved to have all the interviews over with
I probably will never know if I helped anyone
I know in the days following
Two girls presented to Mary having heard my interviews
That in itself is amazing!
To know I made a difference
And my story mattered
On Wednesday
I went horse riding
And we had the final day of our course
So they did a little graduation ceremony
And we got certs and ribbons
So lovely
I am thoroughly enjoying horse riding again
I wish I could do more of it
I know now that I made the right decision leaving my course
I have no doubt about that
In other news
You might have seen that I made a Facebook page for me, my dogs and Coco
Being a bit of a technophobe
I am still trying to navigate my way through it
I don't know how to share the link here
So if someone could let me know
I would be hella grateful
But yes
My relationship with Coco continues to blossom
I love that little pony so much
He brings so much happiness to my life
Bit by bit
He has relaxed around me
And is letting his personality shine
He is such a character
A cheeky monkey
One of his favourite things to go is pull my hat off my head
And play with it in his mouth
He also likes to run around like a complete lunatic
He drinks tea
He rolls around
We play chase
And generally have a lot of fun
I am now taking charge of feeding him
And more interest I show in him
The more his owner stands back
So I'm not really sure what is happening
But I'm too attached now to walk away
In other news
I booked a day photographer to come and take photos of me and the dogs and Coco
We are going to do it in the field
It costs €90 everything included
So I think that's pretty good going
Can't wait to share them with you
Anyway
That's all from me today
Hope you are all doing ok
And if someone could please tell me how to share the link to my page
I will love you forever....
Monday 27 February 2017
On the radio....
It's been a busy week
Last Monday did an interview with a local newspaper
About my story
And it bring EDAW
It was very timely
I did my best
And I did it for all ED sufferers
Whether you are in the midst of your illness
Or in recovery
I did it for you
The newspaper came out today
It was a good article
And both mine and Mary's main points were covered
Today I did an interview on local radio
Which was an experience let me tell you
Again Mary was with me
And we both got through it
At times I looked to Mary for support
And she would give me a little wink to let me know I was doing ok
I have to tell you
It was nerve wrecking
And I was a bit of a nervous wreck
Sitting in the studio
Waiting for my cue
Was pretty terrifying
But once I started to speak
I was ok
T he interviewer was very good
And had obviously done some research about the subject
At one point
After he had asked a question
I am went completely blank
I couldn't remember the question
What I was talking about
And what the fell was going on
But somehow I managed to pick it up again
And I don't think it was noticed
In the middle of the interview
One of my friend texted in to the show
And I have him a shout out which was funny
I really did my best though
And try to cover the main points
Dispel the myths
And advice for people who are struggling
All too soon
It was over
And the relief was massive
I was glad just to have got through it
And I hope it goes somewhat to help others who are suffering
Tomorrow I have another interview on radio
And then I am finished thank God
I am not cut for this craic
It's exhausting
But so worth doing
I got some feedback after the interview
It was all very positive
And great to hear people's thoughts
Helping people with an ED can be a minefield
What do you say?
What do you not say?
When do you play good cop?
And when do you play bad cop?
I think you have to judge each case individually
Sometimes it's appropriate to be gentle
And sometimes stronger words are needed
I guess I am in the position now that I've seen the benefits of recovery
And I know there is no need to suffer
So it can be frustrating to watch someone self destruct again and again
I can only imagine what my family went through over the years
Endless patience is a must when dealing with EDs
Look
I am no poster girl for recovery
I make mistakes every single day
I say the wrong thing
Do the wrong thing
But I know that my heart is in the right place
And I just want the best for those around me
Anyway
I missed Coco today
Am going straight over to see him tomorrow adternoon
And tell him all about my adventures
Because he has been part of my recovery too
He's part of the jigsaw puzzle that is my life and my recovery
If you would like to listen to the interview
You can find it on line
Google Ocean FM
And look for the podcasts and Ruth's story
Yes
Now you know my real name
But if you get a chance
Have a listen
I'd love to know what you think...
Monday 20 February 2017
EDAW
As you may know
Eating Disorders Awareness Week starts the 27th February running until March 5th
Mary contacted me last week
To ask me if I would be interested in doing a couple of interviews with local press
So today I did a phone interview with a local newspaper
It was all done on speaker phone
And Mary was interviewed too
I hope we did a good job
As I'm very aware when doing these things that I am speaking for our whole community
The interviewer was lovely
Very kind and gentle
And asked very intelligent questions
Not just looking for the gory details
I was quite a nervous nelly this morning
But I was delighted to do something that might help others in the same situation
The press officer for our national health service gave a press release today
And I was asked to supply a quote
I write a few lines about the myths surrounding EDs
And encouraged those suffering to reach out and seek help
Also
I am doing an interview on local radio next Monday morning
That will be challenging as it will be live
But again
I am privileged to be speaking for our community
I don't know if these publications will be on line
But I will certainly keep you posted
I was away this weekend
And I missed my dogs and Coco something serious
Can't wait to see Coco tomorrow
And it will be intetesting to see how he reacts when he sees me
I spoke this morning about how much animals have helped in my recovery
My dogs
My horse riding
Coco
They are a huge part of my life now
And really make life worth living
Must dash
Just wanted to let you know about EDAW
See you in the next post....
Saturday 18 February 2017
The next chapter...
Recently
I have been feeling that my blog is coming to a natural end
It's five years now since I started writing
And it felt like it might be time to stop
Where once I relied so much on this blog
And the people here
Now I am living life
And don't rely on it as much
As well as that
Blogger is so very quiet
And i tend to use Facebook more
So I had been thinking about writing my last post
When it occurred to me
I can still write
But instead of focusing on my eating disorder and addiction
I can write about what's happening for me now
Because there is lots happening
I'm in a group on Facebook called Friendly Horse Chat
And that's mostly where I post now
I asked the lovely people there
If they would be interested in reading my blog
And I got a great response
So I will share the link with them
In other words
I'm not going anywhere
Just taking a different path
I'm away for the weekend
And I have to be honest with you
I am missing Coco something serious
I usually spend my Saturday with him
So I feel a bit lonely for him
I know it's only two days
But I don't feel right until I get my daily dose of Coco
We went to a musical last night
And I spent the interval watching videos of him
Yes
I have it bad
I love that little guy so much
And I will probably text his owner today to see how he is
But of course I'm missing the dogs too
That goes without saying
Things are going well with Coco
He even got me a Valentine's rose
I know it was from Cocos owner
But we will pretend it was from Coco
I think I am making progress with him
He seems quite comfortable around me now
And has no problem thoroughly investigating me every time I visit him
I usually bring Lea or both dogs with me
And we all run around the field like lunatics
I love to see Coco having fun
Running and bucking and frolicking
It's such a lovely sight
I am learning like a complete looper running around the field
But I really enjoy it
And that is the main thing
In other news
I've done four weeks of my horse course now
Two more to go
I'm loving it
And even though it's mostly stuff I've done before
It's great to go over it again
The last few weeks I've been in a new riding group
With two other girls
We all canter so I guess it makes sense to put us together
I am thoroughly enjoying riding again
My confidence had been knocked in my course before Christmas
But I feel I am back feeling good again
The last two weeks
I've been on a new horse called Leroy
Who is a big boy
But a gentle giant with it
It's been so exciting riding a new horse
And it feels like it just works
Like it's all coming together
I've also been thinking about the horsemanship course I was doing
And I think I'd like to go back to it at some point
I feel like I have unfinished business there
But
I will wait and see what happens
Life has been taking me on such unexpected journeys recently
So I'm excited to see what happens next
Life is good at the moment
I feel happy and content
I spend my days with the animals in my life
And I just love it!
So yes
I am sticking around for the moment
I would have to stop writing this blog
As it has been a life line over the years
And back a few years ago
Blogger was buzzing
And it was really exciting to be part of it
Now it is so quiet
Which is a shame
But I guess like me
People have gone in to use other social media
Like Facebook and Instagram
If you are interested
I am goon to keep writing
And let you know about my recovery rather than my illness
Or if there is anything you would like me to write about in particular
Do let me know
Eating Disorders Awareness Week is coming up soon
My counsellor Mary has asked me to do a couple of interviews with local newspapers and radio stations
Which I will do
I was also contacted my a journalist from a national tabloid newspaper and asked to do an interview
I am unsure whether to do it or not
As they have already asked for photos
And I'm pretty sure they will be after the gory details like numbers, food diaries etc
But in fairness
The journalist who contacted me has been quite tactful
And says she wouldn't want me to do the interview if it would hinder my recovery
I said I would think about it over the weekend
But I was wondering what you guys thought
Have you ever done an interview?
If you were me
Would you do it?
I am very reluctant to give photos
But I would be willing to give a head shot of when I was ill
I don't think I would be comfortable sharing a full body shot
Anyway
I would love to know your thoughts
Also before I go
Hello and welcome to all my new readers!
I hope you get something from my blog and it's a pleasure to have your company
Happy Saturday everyone!
See you on the next post!
Monday 6 February 2017
Monday
I really do apologise for my lack of posting
I guess I have been busy living
And I don't have the time to be writing as much as I used to
Back when I was in the midst of my illness
I had nothing but time
And posted every day
Because all I had in my life was the disorder
It's was all I thought about
Talked about
Wrote about
Read about
But now
Well
Things are a lot different
I have regained weight to a healthy BMI
I no longer deny myself food in order to lose weight
I used to purge up to 20 times a day
Now it's a rarity rather than the norm
What a transformation it has been
A crazy ride
But I made it out the other side
I lived to tell the tale
Now I don't think about food the way I used to
Food used to be the enemy
Something to be feared
Because food meant weight
And weight was bad
Skinny was good
And underweight was even better
It was a safe place
I was a sick person
That became my identity
But rewind about 15 years
And after dabbling in drugs for a few years
I become addicted to heroin
While using
I stayed in various different drug houses
Where the number one priority was drugs
Not food
Not heating
Every penny went on the drug
So I would spend a few weeks in the drug house
Then when the money ran out
I would go home to recharge my batteries
I can do clearly remember going home
And being overwhelmed by all the food in the fridge
I was so hungry
But I felt so guilty that I had food
And my drug using friends didn't
This was the start of my associating food with guilt
And I've never been the same since
My eating disorder began here
Although it took me a long time to make the connection
But I know now that food is not the issue
It's a symptom of a greater problem
For me
I know I have an addictive personality
Coupled with the fact that I struggle to live in reality
I have low self esteem
And long to get away from my own thoughts
I've been addicted to many things over the years
Shoplifting
Exercising
Shopping
Spending money
Drifter chocolate bars
Enemas
Laxatives
Prescription meds
I could go on and on...
The moral of the story is that I need to be careful
If I get a good feeling off something
I tend to want it again and again
And quickly get addicted
But at least now I am aware
And can keep an eye on my behaviour
I've often talked about how addiction and an ED leave a gaping void when they are taken away
Which needs to be addressed and filled with some thing healthy
For me
I filled that void with my life of horses and animals in general
And that is a hell of a lot better than drugs or shopping or drinking
In other news
I've been visiting Coco a good bit
I usually go over three times a week
And being Mam and the dogs
I think Coco is coming on leaps and bounds
In the morning
We give him a bucket of feed
And an apple or a carrot
After that it's play time
And I run around the field with him and the dogs
Coco has really taken a shine to Lea
He follows her everywhere
And one day when we sitting down
He started to groom her
Which was just adorable
It's lovely to see Coco running and frolicking and bucking and playing
He seems to get a great kick out of all the attention he gets
And I love to se him so happy
Last week
I brought a grooming mitt over
And gradually Coco let me groom his nose and face and chest
I swear that pony has so much potential
To watch him with Lea is just beautiful
And he is so gentle with her
Cocos owner Gordon and me have been talking about getting him a companion
Gordon says it's up to me
If I wanted to get a pony/horse for riding
Well
I don't need to tell you
My eyes nearly popped out
And the excitement was massive!
The thoughts of getting my very own pony ?
That is the dream right there!
But look
I know this is something that I really shouldn't rush in to
Ok
So I have land
And plenty of it
I have a companion
I have the benefit of the knowledge from my course
And also Gordon who has spent his whole life around horses
I did get some good news last week
Thdtbi have my job again in the summer
Starting May
This is fantastic news!
And it means I will get a chance to save money
So
The plan is to work as many hours as I can
Save every penny
And hopefully at the end of the season
I will have €2000-€3000 saved
Enough to adopt a horse
And to get started
There are some great horse sanctuary in this country
And I have contacted a couple of them
So I will keep my options open
But you guys
How exciting is this?
Possibly getting my very first horse!
I never though that this could actually happen
Having my own horse.
Would give me a reason to stay well
A reason to get up in the morning
I feel super excited
But I won't rush in to anything
I need to 'pace myself' as my mother says
This is not something to be decided on a whim
I need to be prepared
I need the funds
And the time and energy
It's a massive commitment and responsibility
I want to give my prospective horse the best life possible
I can't wait to see what this year brings
Is it just me or does blogger seem very quiet?
Do let me know if you are out there and still reading
Let me know that I am not alone...
Saturday 28 January 2017
Coco and Lea....BFFs
I visited Coco a couple of times this week
On Thursday with my Mam, the owner, Ruby the dog and Lea
And today just me and Lea
Coco and Lea are fast becoming besties
Coco loves her
And follows her around the field
Today they were running and frolicking
It was just adorable
I brought a flask of tea
And Coco thought this was fascinating!
As I drank my tea
Lea lay down beside me
And Coco came over and started to groom her
I just love how well they are getting on
After Lea's spinal diagnosis
We were worried for her future
But she seems to have found a new lease of life with her new buddy Coco
After a bit of investigating
I have finally found out who owns the little white pony down the road
I have a phone number for him
It's a work number
So I will try ringing on Monday
I bought my first pair of 'country boots' this week
They are brown and are really a glorified welly
But they do the job out in the fields and in the yard
So yes
The city girl in me is well and truly dead
I am now a country girl
And proud of it!
In other news
I weighed myself this week
I don't know why
But I was curious
Seeing the number
I was indifferent
It meant nothing
It wasn't good
It wasn't bad
It was what it was
A number that holds no pleasure or pain for me anymore
I think that is good
I now appreciate my body a lot more
It's strong
It's capable
It's able
It allows me to go so much
I'm no longer a physically weak girl
Now I walk
I run
I ride horses
I lift
I carry
I fill out my clothes
And I love it
But it isn't that long ago that I was in a bad place
I know how it feels to have no hope
No belief
No faith
No reason to go on never mind recover
In my that place it is incredibly difficult to take that first step in to recovery
It's terrifying
And the disorder that was a comfort zone
Has now become a hiding place
Anything beyond it I'd too much
And too scary
But I have to tell you
If you do manage to take that first step
The rewards are instant and massive
Bigger and better than you could ever believe
Your physical health will improve
You will feel better
You will think clearer
You will make more sense
Life will make more sense
You will begin to see that there is life beyond the disorder
No matter how deep you are in
It's just a matter of having the courage to shut your eyes
Clench your fists
Lift one foot
And take that first step
You won't regret
I promise you that
I am now pretty sure that I did the right thing leaving my course
I have no regrets
And I am involved with horses more than ever now
I am content
I have moments of happiness
I am ok
Finally
I am ok
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