Monday, 17 April 2017


I read somewhere recently
That if something in your life is bother you 
You have three options 
Change it
Ignore it
Or accept it
This really spoke to me as if you read my last post you will know I've been struggling with body image
To cut a long story short 
With regard to my weight
I've decided to accept it
Changing it is too risky 
And I have too much to lose
I can't ignore it as it's my body
So accept it it is
The end

Friday, 14 April 2017


Hello fellow bloggers and readers
I've been meaning to update here for the last couple of weeks
But am just getting around to it now
Life is busy 
I am busy 
I'm in a very different place in my ED and recovery 
My ED now takes up so little space that it's quite insignificant
I don't restrict
I don't binge 
Purging is the exception rather than the norm
The only think I am kind upset about 
Is yes you've guessed it
My weight 
I don't know what I weigh as I don't weigh myself 
But I'm pretty sure that I am the biggest I've even been 
My clothes feel tighter 
I feel like I take up a lot of space 
And I am generally quite uncomfortable 
My diet is not great 
And I've been eating a lot of junk food 
And just today a member of my family told me that I am gaining weight 
My first thought was to starve myself in to submission
That didn't last long 
As I don't want to go down that route again
But I do need to do something 
Not only to lose a bit of weight 
But to be healthy 
And to have sufficient energy for all the things I want to do
Despite my weight 
I feel quite happy and content 
I see Coco every day 
And he continued to be the highlight of my day
He is such a funny wee man
Full of personality and character
I can't believe how attached I have become to him
It's threee months now since I started to. Is it him
He has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 
To being relaxed, confident and happy
More often than not my dogs come with me when I visit Coco 
And they are all good pals
It's so lovely to watch them 
I am in pure heaven when I'm in the field with them all
I can't wait for the weather to improve 
So I can spend long lazy days over with Coco
I can't tell you how much he has helped me in the last three months 
I now bounce out of bed in the morning 
Knowing I am going to see him
It gets me out of the house
Out in to the fresh air
I've never slept as well as I am at the moment 
There is no doubt in my mind 
That pony saved me
And I saved him too

The plan with my food 
Is to cut out the junk for the moment 
Eat a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner 
More exercise 
I must stress 
This is it a diet 
As it's not a temporary thing 
This needs to be my lifestyle 
My life 
At the moment I feel bloated and swollen 
My clothes are straining 
And I feel very uncomfortable 
I would like to lose about 15 pounds 
And I will still be comfortably in the healthy weight for my height category 
And before you say this sounds dodgy
And I'm meeting trouble half way 
I have no desire to be stick thin or underweight 
I just want to feel good in my skin
I just want to be healthy and happy 
And I'm not being a sucker thinking weight loss will make me happy 
But I do want to feel comfortably in myself 
And I don't at the moment
Because I was eating a lot of junk food 
And no proper food at all
It's no wonder I am gaining 
And probably lucky I have not gained more 
I have to say though 
I am finding junk food much harder to give up than I did cigarettes 
I guess it's so accessible 
And the least harmful 
So it's easier to grab than say a cigarette or a drink or a drug
I will persevere 
As I always do

In other news 
I have my job back again this summer 
So I will be starting late May time 
I have mixed feelings about the job
I'm grateful to have it back again 
And to be offered it again is fantastic 
I'm just a bit worried that I will get anxious again 
And struggle to go in in the morning 
The way I was with my course
Also I'm worried I won't see as much of Coco 
But part of the reason I am working is for him
And to get him a companion 
But there will be a cap on how many hours I can do 
Between 20-24
So I'm just hoping and praying that it all goes smoothly 
As I really enjoyed it last year 
It was such a lovely place to work 
And the people were just great 
Both guests and staff
I made friends 
I made money 
And it gave me a sense of responsibility 
When I do something 
I like to do it right 
I'm probably a perfectionist at heart 
But as my sister says 
Done is better than perfect 
How true is that?

In other other news 
My brother published his first novel last month 
It is called Ithaca
We had a great time launching it in style and celebrating his success
We are all very proud of him

I don't know how many of you are still reading and writing 
I am hoping there are a few of us left 
I tend to use Facebook more these days 
As it's quick and easy 
I don't always have the energy or the inclination to write a whole blog post 
Not knowing if anyone is reading 

Thoughts on losing weight in recovery?
I'd love to know what you think
Answers on a postcard please...

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

Back? Maybe?

I miss you guys
I miss writing 
I'm on a Facebook group about horses and people seem genuinely interested in mine and Cocos story
So am thinking I might continue our story on this blog
And then she got a pony!
Anyone out there interested in reading about us
Do let me know
I notice my statistics are still quite high
So I would love to know if you are interested because I know I would love to continue writing
Yay or nay people?

Thursday, 16 March 2017

5 Years on...

Next month
I celebrate 5 years blogging
It's hard to believe 
So much has happened in those years 
And every bit of it documented 
It's been an emotional roller coaster 
So many ups and downs
Highs and lows 
Recovery and relapse
In to treatment 
Trying to recover from home 
Addiction issues 
My dogs
And my life now 
Where I am quite happy and content 
I hate to write this 
And part of me is really fighting this 
But I think my blog is coming to a natural end 
For many reasons
Blogger seems very dead
There is no buzz about it the way there used to be
 I'm now using Facebook more 
And my own Facebook page 
I don't use blogger half as much as I used to
So I think it's time to slip away quietly 
Of course this is not goodbye
I will still keep in touch with you all
That is not chsnging
But I will no longer be updating here 
Life is shooting forward at light speed 
And I can barely keep up
A lot of times I don't have the time to sit down and write a lengthy post
Things with my ED have also moved on
I don't restrict 
Purging is a rarity
I don't weigh myself 
I don't deny myself food 
My ED I'd gradually becoming part of my past 
Not my present 
So I just wanted to take this opportunity 
To thank you all
For your comments 
Your kindness
Your thoughtful words
Your patience 
Thank you for being there 
For reading 
For listening 
For gently guiding me 
For never giving up on me 
For believing in me 
Thank you for becoming part of my story 
For loving  me even though I hated myself 
Thank you for your advice 
Your wise words and sage suggestions 
For being a good friend 
For telling me what I needed to hear rather than what I wanted to hear 
Thank you for taking my story in to your hearts 
For sending me love from the four corners of the world 
Thank you for letting me cry 
For making me laugh
For allowing me to be myself 
For accepting me
For being the voice of reason
Thank you for reminding me that I am unique 
That I am lovable 
And that I am not a bad person
Thank you for never giving up on me 
For providing a safe place for me to fall
For forming a supportive community of ED sufferers 
You girls saved my life and my sanity over and over again
Thank you 
I love you 
I will never forget you

If you want to stay in touch 
Please email me
We can Facebook or whatever suits you


Saturday, 4 March 2017


Still here...

I am still here 
I know 
I'm not terribly active here on blogger anymore
But I do like to check in once in a while
I've had a busy week to say the least
Mary had asked me to do some media interviews as part of EDAW
So I did two radio interviews
And two newspaper interviews
I have to tell you
It was a scary business
But I think they went well
I really did my best 
And I wanted to do for all ED sufferers out there
And for you 
Monday I did Ocean FM
Which was live in the studio
At one point I went completely blank 
Couldn't remember what I was doing
Or saying 
 Couldn't even remember my own name 
But I think I managed to pick it up again without too much dead air
The interviewer was lovely 
And Mary and my Mam  were there
I couldn't ask for better support
It lasted about 15 minutes 
And I did my best to get everything in to the interview 
Of course when it was over 
I thought of all the things I could have said 
But look
It's done now 
After the interview on Monday 
We picked up the newspaper I featured in
I went in to the shop
And there I was on the front page
I nearly died
And immediately became super self conscious 
Theng there was a big photo of myself and Mary on page 11
Oh my God it was a very strange experience seeing myself in print
Then on Tuesday 
I had an interview on Shannonside FM
Which was over the phone
Again I was very nervous 
At one point I mentioned my blog 
And the interviewer asked me for the name of it
I didn't know what to say 
So I said I would tell him after the interview 
He didn't push the issue after that 
I was so relieved to have all the interviews over with 
I probably will never know if I helped anyone 
I know in the days following 
Two girls presented to Mary having heard my interviews
That in itself is amazing!
To know I made a difference 
And my story mattered

On Wednesday 
I went horse riding 
And we had the final day of our course 
So they did a little graduation ceremony 
And we got certs and ribbons
So lovely 
I am thoroughly enjoying horse riding again 
I wish I could do more of it
I know now that I made the right decision leaving my course 
I have no doubt about that 

In other news 
You might have seen that I made a Facebook page for me, my dogs and Coco
Being a bit of a technophobe 
I am still trying to navigate my way through it 
I don't know how to share the link here 
So if someone could let me know 
I would be hella grateful
But yes 
My relationship with Coco continues to blossom
I love that little pony so much 
He brings so much happiness to my life 
Bit by bit 
He has relaxed around me 
And is letting his personality shine 
He is such a character 
A cheeky monkey 
One of his favourite things to go is pull my hat off my head 
And play with it in his mouth
He also likes to run around like a complete lunatic 
He drinks tea 
He rolls around 
We play chase 
And generally have a lot of fun
I am now taking charge of feeding him
And more interest I show in him
The more his owner stands back 
So I'm not really sure what is happening 
But I'm too attached now to walk away

In other news
I booked a day photographer to come and take photos of me and the dogs and Coco
We are going to do it in the field 
It costs €90 everything included
So I think that's pretty good going 
Can't wait to share them with you 

That's all from me today 
Hope you are all doing ok
And if someone could please tell me how to share the link to my page 
I will love you forever....

Monday, 27 February 2017

On the radio....

It's been a busy week
Last Monday did an interview with a local newspaper 
About my story 
And it bring EDAW 
It was very timely 
I did my best 
And I did it for all ED sufferers
Whether you are in the midst of your illness 
Or in recovery 
I did it for you 
The newspaper came out today 
It was a good article 
And both mine and Mary's main points were covered 
Today I did an interview on local radio
Which was an experience let me tell you 
Again Mary was with me 
And we both got through it 
At times I looked to Mary for support 
And she would give me a little wink to let me know I was doing ok 
I have to tell you 
It was nerve wrecking 
And I was a bit of a nervous wreck 
Sitting in the studio
Waiting for my cue
Was pretty terrifying 
But once I started to speak
I was ok
T he interviewer was very good 
And had obviously done some research about the subject
At one point
After he had asked a question
I am went completely blank
I couldn't remember the question
What I was talking about
And what the fell was going on
But somehow I managed to pick it up again
And I don't think it was noticed 
In the middle of the interview 
One of my friend texted in to the show 
And I have him a shout out which was funny
I really did my best though 
And try to cover the main points 
Dispel the myths 
And advice for people who are struggling 
All too soon 
It was over 
And the relief was massive 
I was glad just to have got through it 
And I hope it goes somewhat to help others who are suffering 
Tomorrow I have another interview on radio
And then I am finished thank God
I am not cut for this craic
It's exhausting 
But so worth doing 
I got some feedback after the interview 
It was all very positive 
And great to hear people's thoughts 

Helping people with an ED can be a minefield 
What do you say?
What do you not say?
When do you play good cop?
And when do you play bad cop?
I think you have to judge each case individually 
Sometimes it's appropriate to be gentle 
And sometimes stronger words are needed
I guess I am in the position now that I've seen the benefits of recovery 
And I know there is no need to suffer 
So it can be frustrating to watch someone self destruct again and again
I can only imagine what my family went through over the years 
Endless patience is a must when dealing with EDs
I am no poster girl for recovery 
I make mistakes every single day 
I say the wrong thing
Do the wrong thing
But I know that my heart is in the right place 
And I just want the best for those around me

I missed Coco today
Am going straight over to see him tomorrow adternoon
And tell him all about my adventures 
Because he has been part of my recovery too
He's part of the jigsaw puzzle that is my life and my recovery

If you would like to listen to the interview
You can find it on line 
Google Ocean FM
And look for the podcasts and Ruth's story
Now you know my real name 
But if you get a chance 
Have a listen
I'd love to know what you think...