Thursday, 11 May 2017

Falling in every sense of the word

I'm making a concerted effort to blog more
So here I am 
There is so much going on at the moment 
Coco and trying to care for him
I start work in two weeks which I'm very anxious about 
My Dads health isn't great 
He was recently diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease 
And he spends a lot of time staying with us
As you may know my parents are separated
So that makes for interesting dynamics
As well as all that 
I did something really stupid on Monday 
I was over in the field with Coco and his owner 
We had just brought Coco for a walk down the lane 
And were back in the field 
Cocos owner suggested that I get up on his back 
And Miss Easily Led over here decided that was a good idea
He gave me a leg up 
And I was on his back
He was ok for a few seconds 
Then he seemed to spook and bucked and I came off
I landed on my right side and hopped my head off the ground 
I waited to feel pain
But all I could feel was utter shock 
I knelt on the ground with my head on my knees hoping I had done no damage 
But I was ok
The only thing that was hurt was my pride 
So as you can imagine 
I am feeling rather stupid 
I woke up the next morning with pain all down my right side
But it's easing and no permanent damage was done 
I went riding yesterday 
And told my trainer what had happened 
She was pretty gobsmacked that I could be so stupid 
She is also encouraging me to step back from the whole Coco situation 
It's tough because I have built up a relationship with the pony 
And he's become part of my day 
Part of my life 
Part of my little animal family 
So to walk away would break my heart 
It really would 
But my being thrown off was solely my fault 
And his owners fault
After the fall
I had to get on the back of a motor bike 
To be brought back to my car
And then drove the half hour home 
Which now that I think about it was pretty stupid
I could have had concussion or worse
Could have blacked out
I've had different reactions from everyone I've told 
Some are shocked 
Some think it's all part of looking after a pony 
Some think I should back off
The thing is though 
That Coco has come on so much recently 
He's a different pony to the one I met back in January 
I just need to slow down a bit 
As you may know 
I am a person of extremes 
All or nothing 
I go from zero to 100 in jig time 
So maybe I just need to put the brakes on 
And pace myself a bit 

In other news 
My anxiety at the moment is really effecting my food and my appetite 
Which is bad as with all the activity I'm doing I need energy 
It's just very hard to eat when your stomach is in knots 
And your head is a mess of negative thoughts 
I'm hoping that once I start work 
The anxiety will ease 
And things will level out 
I don't know about you 
But I find social media quite anxiety provoking too
I use FB and a particular FB group
And every time I post 
I am worrying what people think
What will they say?
I mostly get positive feedback 
But there is always one person who can be on the nasty side 
But I guess that's what you get when you put your life out there for others to see and judge
You have to take the rough with the smooth

I hope y'all are doing ok
I hope your week is going better than mine..

Friday, 5 May 2017


Hello friends
I don't know how many of you still check my blog
God knows I haven't been the best blogger
This blog celebrates five years on the last day of April
And it was a chance to reflect on everything that has happened during those years 
In some ways it seems like one hundred years 
In other ways it feels like five minutes
As you know well
Eating Disorders and addictions are all encompassing 
You eat, sleep and breathe it
You think about it 
Talk about it 
Write about it 
It's like having a full time job with no days off
My own ED is in quite a good place 
I don't restrict 
And although I haven't eradicated the purging completely 
It's a lot better than it was
It's the exception rather than he rule
But because an ED or addiction takes up so much time abd energy
When you begin to let it go
There is a huge void left 
And it has to be filled with something healthy and positive if you want any chance of staying well
For myself 
I tried many things to fill the void
But the only thing that really works for me 
Is being with and working with animals 
Namely my dogs  
Horse riding 
And equine assisted therapy
I visit Coco every morning with my dogs 
And I have developed such a lovely bond with him
Two weeks ago
I got a head collar on him for the first time 
Which was a huge milestone 
And an indicator that he is starting to trust me
Now I am teaching him to walk on a lead rope
Also to pick up his feet
As he is seeing the farrier next week
It's a work in progress
But I am loving every second of it
Coco has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 
To a happy cheeky little man 
He is full of fun
And never fails to make me smile 
We think he has a little crush on Lea
As he loves her 
And follows her everywhere 
It's so lovely to watch them together
Best buddies

In other news
I still go riding on a Tuesday and Wednesday 
And third week I did my first jump in canter!
Which I just loved and can't wait to do some more 
I am loving riding at the moment 
And really feel like I am making progress which is a great feeling
I also start work at the end of the month
I must admit 
I feel very anxious thinking about it 
And feel like running in the opposite direction 
I will take it one day at a time 
And see how I go
There is a possibility I could get work in a  stables for the summer months 
To be honest I would rather take that work 
I'll know next week
So I'll make a decision then

What else?
Body image continues to be a battle 
I am now a very healthy weight
But am still getting used to th curves and shapes 
Trying to dress my body to make the most of it 
It's not easy 
And sometimes I think about restricting 
But I figure it is just not worth it 
I would rather be healthy and happy 
Rather than skinny and miserable 
And now I realise that it's not just about me
My staying well has a ripple meffect to everyone around me 
Also I have two dogs and a pony that depend on me
I need to be fit and well to look after them the best that I can 
So I just wanted to check back in
And show you and let you know that there is life after EDs and addiction
If you are struggling 
If you are drowning 
If you feel like there is no hope for you
I am here to tell you this there is hope 
There is absolutely hope 
I am walking talking proof of that 
If you have read my blog
You will know the shit story was my life 
I really thought I was a worthless piece of crap
But now I know that I am a good person 
And in my own little way I am making a difference 
Spreading a message of hope and recovery 
Living my life as an open book in the hope that my story will help someone 
And spare them some of the pain that I went through
For me
The trick was finding something that captured my attention 
And gave me a reason to stay well
A reason to get up in the morning
A raison d'etre
Because when you find something you are passionate about 
Something that warms your heart 
Stimulates your mind 
And feeds your soul
Then that is worth living for 
That is worth staying well for 

I truly hope you are al doing ok
I think of you often 
I willl always think fondly of my little blogger family 
And I will neve forget you 
Please let me know if you are out there 
If you at reading 
Let me know you exist 

Much love,


Monday, 17 April 2017


I read somewhere recently
That if something in your life is bother you 
You have three options 
Change it
Ignore it
Or accept it
This really spoke to me as if you read my last post you will know I've been struggling with body image
To cut a long story short 
With regard to my weight
I've decided to accept it
Changing it is too risky 
And I have too much to lose
I can't ignore it as it's my body
So accept it it is
The end

Friday, 14 April 2017


Hello fellow bloggers and readers
I've been meaning to update here for the last couple of weeks
But am just getting around to it now
Life is busy 
I am busy 
I'm in a very different place in my ED and recovery 
My ED now takes up so little space that it's quite insignificant
I don't restrict
I don't binge 
Purging is the exception rather than the norm
The only think I am kind upset about 
Is yes you've guessed it
My weight 
I don't know what I weigh as I don't weigh myself 
But I'm pretty sure that I am the biggest I've even been 
My clothes feel tighter 
I feel like I take up a lot of space 
And I am generally quite uncomfortable 
My diet is not great 
And I've been eating a lot of junk food 
And just today a member of my family told me that I am gaining weight 
My first thought was to starve myself in to submission
That didn't last long 
As I don't want to go down that route again
But I do need to do something 
Not only to lose a bit of weight 
But to be healthy 
And to have sufficient energy for all the things I want to do
Despite my weight 
I feel quite happy and content 
I see Coco every day 
And he continued to be the highlight of my day
He is such a funny wee man
Full of personality and character
I can't believe how attached I have become to him
It's threee months now since I started to. Is it him
He has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 
To being relaxed, confident and happy
More often than not my dogs come with me when I visit Coco 
And they are all good pals
It's so lovely to watch them 
I am in pure heaven when I'm in the field with them all
I can't wait for the weather to improve 
So I can spend long lazy days over with Coco
I can't tell you how much he has helped me in the last three months 
I now bounce out of bed in the morning 
Knowing I am going to see him
It gets me out of the house
Out in to the fresh air
I've never slept as well as I am at the moment 
There is no doubt in my mind 
That pony saved me
And I saved him too

The plan with my food 
Is to cut out the junk for the moment 
Eat a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner 
More exercise 
I must stress 
This is it a diet 
As it's not a temporary thing 
This needs to be my lifestyle 
My life 
At the moment I feel bloated and swollen 
My clothes are straining 
And I feel very uncomfortable 
I would like to lose about 15 pounds 
And I will still be comfortably in the healthy weight for my height category 
And before you say this sounds dodgy
And I'm meeting trouble half way 
I have no desire to be stick thin or underweight 
I just want to feel good in my skin
I just want to be healthy and happy 
And I'm not being a sucker thinking weight loss will make me happy 
But I do want to feel comfortably in myself 
And I don't at the moment
Because I was eating a lot of junk food 
And no proper food at all
It's no wonder I am gaining 
And probably lucky I have not gained more 
I have to say though 
I am finding junk food much harder to give up than I did cigarettes 
I guess it's so accessible 
And the least harmful 
So it's easier to grab than say a cigarette or a drink or a drug
I will persevere 
As I always do

In other news 
I have my job back again this summer 
So I will be starting late May time 
I have mixed feelings about the job
I'm grateful to have it back again 
And to be offered it again is fantastic 
I'm just a bit worried that I will get anxious again 
And struggle to go in in the morning 
The way I was with my course
Also I'm worried I won't see as much of Coco 
But part of the reason I am working is for him
And to get him a companion 
But there will be a cap on how many hours I can do 
Between 20-24
So I'm just hoping and praying that it all goes smoothly 
As I really enjoyed it last year 
It was such a lovely place to work 
And the people were just great 
Both guests and staff
I made friends 
I made money 
And it gave me a sense of responsibility 
When I do something 
I like to do it right 
I'm probably a perfectionist at heart 
But as my sister says 
Done is better than perfect 
How true is that?

In other other news 
My brother published his first novel last month 
It is called Ithaca
We had a great time launching it in style and celebrating his success
We are all very proud of him

I don't know how many of you are still reading and writing 
I am hoping there are a few of us left 
I tend to use Facebook more these days 
As it's quick and easy 
I don't always have the energy or the inclination to write a whole blog post 
Not knowing if anyone is reading 

Thoughts on losing weight in recovery?
I'd love to know what you think
Answers on a postcard please...

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

Back? Maybe?

I miss you guys
I miss writing 
I'm on a Facebook group about horses and people seem genuinely interested in mine and Cocos story
So am thinking I might continue our story on this blog
And then she got a pony!
Anyone out there interested in reading about us
Do let me know
I notice my statistics are still quite high
So I would love to know if you are interested because I know I would love to continue writing
Yay or nay people?

Thursday, 16 March 2017

5 Years on...

Next month
I celebrate 5 years blogging
It's hard to believe 
So much has happened in those years 
And every bit of it documented 
It's been an emotional roller coaster 
So many ups and downs
Highs and lows 
Recovery and relapse
In to treatment 
Trying to recover from home 
Addiction issues 
My dogs
And my life now 
Where I am quite happy and content 
I hate to write this 
And part of me is really fighting this 
But I think my blog is coming to a natural end 
For many reasons
Blogger seems very dead
There is no buzz about it the way there used to be
 I'm now using Facebook more 
And my own Facebook page 
I don't use blogger half as much as I used to
So I think it's time to slip away quietly 
Of course this is not goodbye
I will still keep in touch with you all
That is not chsnging
But I will no longer be updating here 
Life is shooting forward at light speed 
And I can barely keep up
A lot of times I don't have the time to sit down and write a lengthy post
Things with my ED have also moved on
I don't restrict 
Purging is a rarity
I don't weigh myself 
I don't deny myself food 
My ED I'd gradually becoming part of my past 
Not my present 
So I just wanted to take this opportunity 
To thank you all
For your comments 
Your kindness
Your thoughtful words
Your patience 
Thank you for being there 
For reading 
For listening 
For gently guiding me 
For never giving up on me 
For believing in me 
Thank you for becoming part of my story 
For loving  me even though I hated myself 
Thank you for your advice 
Your wise words and sage suggestions 
For being a good friend 
For telling me what I needed to hear rather than what I wanted to hear 
Thank you for taking my story in to your hearts 
For sending me love from the four corners of the world 
Thank you for letting me cry 
For making me laugh
For allowing me to be myself 
For accepting me
For being the voice of reason
Thank you for reminding me that I am unique 
That I am lovable 
And that I am not a bad person
Thank you for never giving up on me 
For providing a safe place for me to fall
For forming a supportive community of ED sufferers 
You girls saved my life and my sanity over and over again
Thank you 
I love you 
I will never forget you

If you want to stay in touch 
Please email me
We can Facebook or whatever suits you