It is May
Summer is just around the corner
I seem to have blinked and missed spring
Work starts next week
And I am beyond anxious
I am terrified
No exaggeration
I've been counting down the days
Willing myself to find the courage to press on
I'm not entirely sure why I'm in such a bad way about it all
I don't remember feeling this way last year
But I was a newbie then
This year I am wondering if more will be expected of me because I was there last summer
And I'm putting huge pressure on myself
So let's break it down
Why am I so bloody anxious?
There are many reasons
I've gained weight
What will people think?
What if I fuck up?
What if I can't handle it and I curl up in to a ball right there in the middle of the centre?
What if I lose my confidence and become paralysed with fear?
What if I forget to do something like turn off the gas and I burn the place down?
I swear
I could go on like this all day long
Inventing anxiety provoking situations
The thing is
Historically
I have enjoyed this work
The people
The guests
The buzz of a working kitchen
The banter
Or the craic as we say here in Ireland
I had come to the point where I thought I wouldn't be able to do this
That I would have to pull out retreat to a dark room to lick my wounds
But then today
I got a phone call
It was Mary
She had some great news about more people being trained to work in the ED services in this area
She also won an award for the fantastic work she does
I told Mary about my impending job and the overwhelming anxiety and fear
She was her usual calm self
Reminded me that I am more than capable
To take deep breathes
To be kind to myself
After a short conversation
I felt a whole lot better
Suddenly I had an injection of self belief straight innto my jugular
Suddenly work didn't seem so scary
Because in all reality
It's only for three months
It's not rocket science
It's hard work
But it's not complicated
I feel able to do it
I want to do it
I can do it
I will do it
In other news
I was horse riding yesterday
My trainer has taken it easy on me the last couple of weeks
After the fall off Coco
No jumping which was disappointing
But I know I will get back there
I am always in such a rush to get everywhere
Always ten steps ahead of myself
I do not possess the virtue of patience
Not at all
Coco is doing great
He is thriving in the good weather
And fresh grass
It's now been four month since I started visiting him
He is coming on so well
Back in January
He was a scared and lonely pony
Now he is confident and cheeky
And full of fun
He has found a friend in Lea
He lives her so much and follows her everywhere bless him
Now Coco wears his head collar with pride
Walks with a lead rope
And picks up his feet
Which is great as the farrier is coming saturday to do his hooves
I am trying to post photos
But the app won't let me for some reason
Honey and Lea are good
Lea is going a bit deaf which is sad
But she is a happy wee thing
Honey now calls over to my neighbour looking for food
Which is so funny as she walks around lily she owns the place
Anyway
Just a short post for a quick update
See you on the flip side...