tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65622812182876486742024-03-21T06:17:49.380-07:00And then she recovered.......Life with addiction, anorexia and bulimiaRuby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.comBlogger1231125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-12027121564494447222017-08-04T10:19:00.000-07:002017-08-04T10:19:54.836-07:00August UpdateAnd so we have reached August<br />
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It's hard to believe that work will be finishing up in a few short weeks</div>
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The summer flew by</div>
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I'm looking forward to the send of the summer</div>
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Work quietens down</div>
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The town gets back to normal</div>
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The town I work in is a holiday sea-side town</div>
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So that population explodes during the summer </div>
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And all the hotels and other businesses make hay while the sun shines</div>
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The places I work in is a charity run holiday centre </div>
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It provides much needed holidays for those who ordinarily wouldn't be able to afford one</div>
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We get a mixture of people</div>
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Families</div>
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Groups</div>
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Children</div>
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Seniors </div>
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Disabled people </div>
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Sick people </div>
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People usually arrived on a Friday afternoon</div>
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And depart the following Thursday</div>
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We are right on the main road so we are in the think of things</div>
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Which can be both a good thing and a bad thing</div>
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Our rooms are bright and spacious </div>
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And we have live music at the weekend </div>
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Overall the people who stay with us are lovely </div>
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My managers motto for the house is 'Friendliness, cleaniless and good food'</div>
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This week my week starts on a Saturday </div>
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And I work through to Wednesday</div>
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I'm doing some evening shifts this week</div>
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Which means I'll be working in the bar</div>
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I'm a bit anxious </div>
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But I'm sure I'll be fine </div>
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My confidence has definitely improved since I started working </div>
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Most of the time I fake it</div>
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But that works too</div>
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As long as I look like I know what I'm doing that's half the battle</div>
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Also my working means I get to go on a holiday this September </div>
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I've booked a hotel in Westport for three nights with my Mam</div>
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She is going to chill out</div>
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And I'm going horse riding which I'm so looking forward to</div>
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I'm treating my Mam so I'm delighted about that</div>
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We actually stayed in this hotel about ten years ago over Christmas</div>
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I was strung out at the time</div>
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And on the last night I ran out of drugs </div>
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So I was in withdrawal </div>
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It was horrific</div>
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I'll never forget it</div>
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The longest night of my life</div>
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<br /></div>
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Also </div>
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Because I am earning money </div>
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I get to go horse riding more often</div>
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Which is brilliant </div>
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I would do it every single day if I could </div>
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But I can only go as much as my wallet allows </div>
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I still call to Coco too</div>
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He is now sharing his field with some sheep</div>
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I'm looking forward to finishing up work</div>
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So I can call to him more often</div>
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I feel bad that I'm only getting over a couple of times a week at the moment </div>
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But I am doing my best to look after him</div>
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I had a great riding lesson yesterday </div>
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Last week</div>
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My trainer told me that I was slightly tipping forward in my canter </div>
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She took a video of me </div>
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And I could clearly see it</div>
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So this week I really tried my hardest to address this </div>
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I looked up and out instead of down </div>
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I pushed my heels down </div>
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Shoulders back </div>
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Boobs out</div>
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She said there was a marked improvement this week which I was delighted to hear</div>
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Look</div>
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I know I'll never really do a whole lot with my riding</div>
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I don't want to compete </div>
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I'm not training for an event </div>
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I just want to ride for my own enjoyment </div>
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I want to be able to walk, trot and canter </div>
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To gallop on a beach </div>
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To wade in the ocean</div>
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Be able to looo after and care for a horse</div>
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Because I love it</div>
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It makes me happy </div>
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It fills the hole in my soul better than any pill or potion</div>
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<br /></div>
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We have our staff do on the 17th</div>
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We are going for a meal</div>
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And then for a few drinks </div>
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I booked a hair appointment for the morning </div>
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And am getting my makeup done in the afternoon</div>
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I am half dreading it</div>
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Half looking forward to it</div>
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It will be nice to get dressed up </div>
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All suited and booted </div>
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I am beyond shite at applying make up </div>
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So I am getting a professional to do it </div>
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I can't wait to see what I look like </div>
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I am thinking a smokey eye with a flick of eye liner </div>
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But as I said </div>
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Make up is alien to me</div>
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The next questions is whether to have a drink or not </div>
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I drank last year </div>
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And didn't get home until 6am</div>
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This year I don't plan on doing that </div>
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So I might have a couple of drinks </div>
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But that is it</div>
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<br /></div>
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I think that's about it for now</div>
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Thank you for reading</div>
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Stay well</div>
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And keep smiling...</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-27260533089572158212017-07-20T05:05:00.000-07:002017-07-20T05:05:02.334-07:00July UpdateTwo months of work done now<br />
<div>
About seven weeks to go</div>
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Over the last couple of weeks </div>
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I've been struggling quite a lot </div>
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Even though I try my best at work</div>
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I still feel like other people do it better than me</div>
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They seek to cope better</div>
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Be more confident </div>
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More efficient </div>
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And generally not capable than me</div>
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My bestie tells me if I hear nothing, then nothing is wrong</div>
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Which I guess is true </div>
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But I am constantly looking for reassurance that I am doing ok</div>
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I'm nearly 36 years old</div>
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And I feel like a little girl that needs her Mommy to tell her that everything will be ok</div>
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I'm a bit of an odd ball </div>
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And I'm sure people think I'm a bit strange </div>
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Aa I find it hard to mix in groups </div>
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I am fine one on one </div>
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But in a group I have a social handicap </div>
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That's me though </div>
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It takes me a while to become comfortable with people </div>
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Yet again I find myself wondering if people like me </div>
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And wanting them to like me</div>
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And probably trying too hard to be liked and accepted </div>
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It shouldn't matter though </div>
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I'm there to do a job</div>
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It's not a popularity contest </div>
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It really shouldn't matter what people think of me</div>
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At all</div>
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I know I am trying my best at work</div>
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And that's all that matters</div>
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I find myself in this situation a lot</div>
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When I was doing my course </div>
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I was convinced the others didn't like me </div>
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But even after I left </div>
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They still keep in contact </div>
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So I was very wrong about that one!</div>
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<br /></div>
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Anyway </div>
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In other news </div>
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My car has been giving me huge problems </div>
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I was driving in to the garage yesterday </div>
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When a warning noise started </div>
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And then smoke started coming out</div>
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I stopper immediately and got out </div>
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But my car was on a narrow road </div>
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So I needed to get it off the road </div>
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My Mam was there so at least I had a lift </div>
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Four very kind men stopped and helped us pushed the car off the road</div>
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The garage recovered my car in the afternoon</div>
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And it wasn't good news </div>
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The clutch in it is bangjaxed</div>
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It will cost €800 to fix</div>
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I do not have that kind of money to hand </div>
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So I need to make a decision about whether to get the work done </div>
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Or to change my car for a better one </div>
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It's stressful</div>
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As I need a car </div>
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For work</div>
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To see Coco </div>
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I need it for my freedom and independence </div>
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So I guess I will have to do something</div>
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<br /></div>
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I was listening to something on the radio this week</div>
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About the grown up children of alcoholic or addicted parents </div>
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How they are more likely to be anxious and insecure </div>
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How their foundation has been rocky and so they carry that in to their adult life</div>
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It was very interesting and I could relate to a lot of it </div>
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Myself and my sisters all suffer with addiction and mental health issues</div>
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We struggle with feeling not good enough</div>
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And generally find life tough</div>
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I look at some of the girls I work with </div>
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Who are younger than me </div>
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But seem so much more together than me</div>
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I struggle just to get to the starting block</div>
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So it seems everyone is running way ahead of me</div>
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Of course my life has not been straight forward </div>
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And I have dealt with an awful lot </div>
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I am happy just to be alive </div>
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Anything else is a bonus</div>
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I am grateful to be where I am </div>
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And things could be a whole lot worse </div>
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<br /></div>
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I'm still horse riding and loving it</div>
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I go 2-3 times a week</div>
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And it's is just heaven </div>
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Sitting in a horse </div>
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Galloping down a beach</div>
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Doing little jumps </div>
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It makes all the tough days worthwhile </div>
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On Saturday </div>
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Myself and a friend did a beach trek</div>
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A two hour trek</div>
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I was riding a big fella called Bouncer </div>
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Fionnuala was on Tom</div>
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Kate was our leader on Skippy</div>
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And there was a girl at the back riding Laura </div>
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We walked down to the beach </div>
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Then we spilt up</div>
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Fionnuala and Laura went to walk the sand dunes </div>
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And myself and Kate went down to the main beach for a canter </div>
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I swear to God Bouncer shot off like a rocket </div>
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Abc was running full pelt down the length of the beach</div>
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It was both terrifying and thrilling in equal measure but I thoroughly enjoyed it</div>
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After that </div>
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We went back up to meet the others </div>
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And walked back to the centre through the fields</div>
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Myself and Fionnuala dismounted our horses </div>
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And were walking around like John Wayne </div>
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The next day I was in pain </div>
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But it was a good pain </div>
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An almost enjoyable pain</div>
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<br /></div>
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So I think that is all my news</div>
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I am thinking of re enrolling in the horsemanship course </div>
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I feel a bit more ready now</div>
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And ultimately this is what I want to be doing </div>
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But first things first </div>
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I'm just concentrating on getting through work </div>
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And hopefully I will be back on the road soon</div>
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<br /></div>
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That's your July update sorted </div>
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Thanks for reading </div>
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And for being there..</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-59305557467965685882017-07-06T08:05:00.001-07:002017-07-06T08:05:46.882-07:00Honey, holidays and huge amounts of gratitude Today is Thursday<br />
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And my working week is finished </div>
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I work Sunday 12pm-8pm</div>
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Monday 8pm-4pm</div>
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And Tuesday 8-4pm</div>
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24 hours a week</div>
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Which is nice</div>
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I am really enjoying work </div>
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I can feel my confidence boosting </div>
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And my general well being is very good</div>
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It's a great feeling to know that I am working </div>
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Earning money</div>
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Out and about in the world meeting new people</div>
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I especially love that I am helping people enjoy a much needed break away</div>
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I love that our centre makes a difference in people's lives</div>
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A lot of that is down to my manager </div>
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She is an amazing person</div>
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Just 40 years old </div>
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She has been running the holiday centre and the old people's home beside it for the last 12 years</div>
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She really sets the tone in the house</div>
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She is efficient yet friendly </div>
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Firm but fair</div>
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Hard working but always has time to chat</div>
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She is a fantastic role model</div>
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And I admire her greatly </div>
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She always takes the time to ask me how my Dad is</div>
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And also how I'm feeling with my low confidence and self esteem</div>
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It really is the perfect place to re introduce myself back in to the working world </div>
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And of course it's brilliant to have a few extra pounds in my pocket</div>
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In September </div>
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I am treating my Mam to a little holiday</div>
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I will go horse riding</div>
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And Mal will potter around and relax in the hotel</div>
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So that's something to look forward to</div>
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I can't wait!</div>
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<br /></div>
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In other news </div>
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Honey is going back to the vet on Saturday </div>
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About her remaining eye that looks cloudy and blood shot</div>
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She has already been to the vet here</div>
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But she sent me home with no answers and told to just wait and see</div>
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And charged me €40 for the privilege </div>
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So we are going back to the vet who removed her eye three years ago</div>
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As he is the best of the best</div>
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Honey is ok</div>
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If a bit cranky</div>
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But we are just worried that she will lose the eye she has</div>
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I mean I don't know if a dog can live a comfortable life with no eyes</div>
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I guess I would have to keep her inside </div>
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And she would need a lot of support</div>
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But I would be willing to do that if it meant she gets to stay around </div>
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Lea is also having a check up too</div>
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Even though they are both old ladies now</div>
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I feel sure they have a few years left in them</div>
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They have literally been by my side for the past 12 years</div>
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I can't imaging life without them</div>
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They bring so much life to our house</div>
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I feel safer and calmer knowing they are there</div>
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They are fantastic company too</div>
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I just love them so much </div>
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And dread the day that I don't bring them home</div>
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<br /></div>
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What else?</div>
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I'm still going to my doctor every week</div>
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This morning my usual doctor was away </div>
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So I saw 'Nice Woman Doctor'</div>
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She is lovely </div>
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Told me she had listened to my radio interview </div>
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And had also read some of my blog</div>
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I felt a bit naked when she said this</div>
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As I forget that I was on local radio</div>
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Talking about something so personal</div>
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She was lovely though</div>
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And told me there was a huge change in me</div>
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There is I guess</div>
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Both physically and mentally and emotionally </div>
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I have moved on from the sick, addicted lonely girl that I was </div>
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And am living my life in a way I never have in my whole life<br />
Even though I have been through so much in my time<br />
I feel extremely blessed to have the life I have<br />
I am well and healthy<br />
I live with my Man who I love dearly<br />
And we get on great<br />
I have amazing brothers and sisters<br />
Two dogs and a pony who I adore<br />
I am in a good place<br />
Have great friends<br />
I am lucky to have a job I love<br />
Hobbies that feed my soul<br />
My life is far from perfect<br />
And I am no poster girl for recovery<br />
But I am now happy and content with what I have<br />
I want for nothing<br />
And I believe my family and friends would move heaven and earth to help me<br />
<br />
The past couple of weeks<br />
Cocos owner has been avoiding me<br />
Not answering my calls or texts<br />
So yesterday I decided to phone him from my Mams phone<br />
And lo and behold he answered<br />
I was pretty annoyed and I let him know so<br />
He told me that he's very busy with work and couldnt be dusty<br />
What alias of old shit<br />
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-57037145565635798852017-06-28T10:04:00.000-07:002017-06-28T10:04:57.590-07:00One down, two to goI finished my first month of work yesterday<br />
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It feels good to have accomplished that </div>
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Yesterday </div>
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I was on my own all day looking after 26 guests</div>
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That means making breakfast and serving it</div>
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Clearing up after </div>
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Washing all dishes and the dining room</div>
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Setting for the next meal</div>
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And making sure all jobs are done</div>
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When I saw I was on my own yesterday </div>
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I asked my manager if it was a mistake in the rota</div>
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She assured me that it wasn't </div>
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And that I was more than capable</div>
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I can't lie</div>
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I felt pretty darn anxious about it</div>
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My manager asked me what part of it I was worried about </div>
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So I told her </div>
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Porridge </div>
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Yes</div>
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Porridge</div>
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Why porridge I hear you ask</div>
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Well as well as making teas and coffees and toast for eight tables </div>
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I also had to make porridge </div>
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This meant turning on the gas </div>
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Making sure it's ok</div>
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Turning on the burner</div>
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Making the porridge </div>
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And minding it as it cooks </div>
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Then taking orders and trying to keep it warm</div>
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You see my problem?</div>
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Anyway</div>
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My worries were unfounded </div>
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I coped</div>
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I made porridge </div>
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Nobody died </div>
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Everyone was fed and watered </div>
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Result!</div>
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As everyone filed out of the dining room</div>
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I began to clear the tables </div>
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And bring all the dishes down to the kitchen to wash </div>
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Which is a big job </div>
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But I don't mind it at all</div>
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It's great to be busy </div>
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I don't like having nothing to do</div>
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So all the washing done </div>
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I clean up the kitchen </div>
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Then head upstairs to clean and reset for the next course</div>
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All this work is often interrupted with guests asking all sorts of questions and requests</div>
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Whether they want to know about this or that </div>
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Or they've locked themselves out of their room</div>
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It could be anything </div>
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So then </div>
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When everything is washed and bleached to within an inch of its life </div>
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I can make a cup of tea </div>
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Head down to the break room </div>
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And take a few minutes to recharge and get ready for the next wave</div>
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I called them waves as that's exactly what it is like </div>
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Everything is quiet and calm in the kitchen</div>
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And we are all standing around looking at each other</div>
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Then all the guests arrive and it's action stations </div>
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After my break </div>
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It's time to get ready for lunch </div>
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It feels like I have just cleansed everything </div>
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Then it starts all over again</div>
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But that's life I guess </div>
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Lunch is the main event </div>
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Four courses no less </div>
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Soup</div>
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Main meal </div>
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Dessert</div>
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And tea or coffee</div>
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So our kitchen is down stairs </div>
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To get the meals upstairs we have a dumb waiter </div>
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No that is not a stupid person </div>
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It is a mini lift for food</div>
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Which let me tell you saves a lot of tooing frooing</div>
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Everyone seated </div>
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And soup is up</div>
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Bring on my own yesterday </div>
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I worked in a clock wise direction around the room</div>
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Just to keep track </div>
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Soup served </div>
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I go around with a bread basket?</div>
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Bread for you?</div>
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White or brown?</div>
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In my best professional voice</div>
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I leave them to it while they eat</div>
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Handily </div>
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We have a camera in the dining room</div>
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So we can watch from the kitchen what's going on </div>
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When I see them start to move </div>
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I give the chef the signal to start playing the mains </div>
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As he goes that </div>
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I go up and start clearing bowls and getting as many as I can back down to the kitchen to put through the dish washer </div>
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Mains are up </div>
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And I serve them</div>
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There are 3-4 different chefs in the kitchen </div>
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1-2 on at a time</div>
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And I soon realised that they all do things a little differently </div>
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But what can you do </div>
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Just get on with it</div>
<div>
And roll with it</div>
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Mains served </div>
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I go around with the gravy jug</div>
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I have to tell you </div>
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People are very particular about their gravy</div>
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But then so am I</div>
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While serving mains </div>
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I remember that one guy takes no potatoes </div>
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And two of my golden oldies take one potato each </div>
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I swear you think waitressing is easy </div>
<div>
Let me tell you categorically that it is tough </div>
<div>
You're going from the heat of the kitchen </div>
<div>
To the tranquility of the dining room</div>
<div>
You do every thing with a smile and kind word </div>
<div>
Nothing is too much trouble </div>
<div>
And it's all done in jig time</div>
<div>
Then </div>
<div>
Again</div>
<div>
I give them time to eat </div>
<div>
I get all the soup bowls washed </div>
<div>
Get the tea and coffee ready </div>
<div>
And send up the dessert </div>
<div>
Clear up all the dinner plates </div>
<div>
Serve dessert</div>
<div>
And go around with the tea pot </div>
<div>
The highlight of my day yesterday was when a boy called Stephen with Down syndrome told me my shoes were nice!</div>
<div>
After that </div>
<div>
I leave them to it </div>
<div>
To chat and Have their tea</div>
<div>
Every time I leave the dining room</div>
<div>
I take a handful of plates to get going on the washing</div>
<div>
Which let me tell you can be never ending </div>
<div>
The amount of cutlery I polished yesterday was massive </div>
<div>
But it's enjoyable work </div>
<div>
It's not difficult </div>
<div>
But it's hard work</div>
<div>
And when you have nice co workers it makes all the difference </div>
<div>
My manager seems to have a great knack of picking the right people for the centre</div>
<div>
So</div>
<div>
I get all the washing done </div>
<div>
And again set the dining room for the next course </div>
<div>
Yesterday it was exactly 4pm when I finished </div>
<div>
And now I am off until Sunday </div>
<div>
Which is just heaven!</div>
<div>
This morning I woke up </div>
<div>
And revelled in the fact that I didn't have to get up at 7am</div>
<div>
Utter bliss!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I called over to see Coco this morning </div>
<div>
He was in great form</div>
<div>
It looks like he might be going to a new home </div>
<div>
So I am hoping he finds a home in the area so I can still visit him</div>
<div>
There are a couple of options </div>
<div>
So we will see if any work out</div>
<div>
Coco and Lea are best buddies </div>
<div>
It is just adorable to watch them </div>
<div>
Coco follows Lea around the field </div>
<div>
He tries to groom her </div>
<div>
And even bite her</div>
<div>
Very cute </div>
<div>
Today Coco let me pick out his feet </div>
<div>
Which was brilliant!</div>
<div>
He's becoming very tame and domesticated </div>
<div>
So proud of the little guy</div>
<div>
Both my dogs are 12 now</div>
<div>
And their age is beginning to show </div>
<div>
Lea has a spinal condition called spondylosis</div>
<div>
Which effects her walk and balance </div>
<div>
She also seems to be going deaf </div>
<div>
As you know </div>
<div>
Honey lost an eye a few years ago</div>
<div>
And now it seems her remaining eye is becoming infected </div>
<div>
So it's back to the vet we go </div>
<div>
I am hoping and praying that it's something that can be treated </div>
<div>
I guess we'll know more soon </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Anyway </div>
<div>
I am well </div>
<div>
All is well</div>
<div>
Well mostly </div>
<div>
But mostly is good enough </div>
<div>
Thanks for reading </div>
<div>
See you on the next post...</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-79978780721709035392017-06-23T10:45:00.000-07:002017-06-23T10:45:33.328-07:00A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse...!Hello fellow bloggers<br />
<div>
Friends </div>
<div>
Fellow readers and writers </div>
<div>
Fellow survivors</div>
<div>
My dear sisters</div>
<div>
Life is pretty busy at the moment </div>
<div>
I work three days a week</div>
<div>
And also go horse riding 2-3 times a week</div>
<div>
As well as seeing Coco</div>
<div>
It's tricky trying to fit everything in</div>
<div>
But I do my best </div>
<div>
And I am loving what I'm doing so it's really not like work at all</div>
<div>
The place where I work is called St. Vincent de Paul Holiday Centre</div>
<div>
Which is a charity run centre that help people who ordinarily wouldn't be able to afford a holiday</div>
<div>
It's like a hotel</div>
<div>
Kind of</div>
<div>
But it's more like a big house </div>
<div>
With a living room</div>
<div>
Dining room</div>
<div>
Bar</div>
<div>
I have to say that I love it</div>
<div>
If you have been reading recently </div>
<div>
You will know that I really struggled with anxiety in the lead up to starting </div>
<div>
To the point that I didn't think I would make it</div>
<div>
Now of course I am wondering what I was worried about </div>
<div>
It's hard work</div>
<div>
But not difficult </div>
<div>
Basically I wear many hats at work</div>
<div>
Receptionist </div>
<div>
Waitress</div>
<div>
Cleaner</div>
<div>
Advice giver </div>
<div>
And generally just being there to assist anyone that needs it </div>
<div>
It's nicely busy </div>
<div>
So I'm kept going </div>
<div>
Which I like as the time flies by</div>
<div>
It's a great feeling to be working </div>
<div>
To be busy </div>
<div>
To be earning money</div>
<div>
To be out in the world </div>
<div>
Meeting people </div>
<div>
Helping our guests enjoy their holiday</div>
<div>
Much better than sitting at home </div>
<div>
Thinking myself in to oblivion</div>
<div>
So yes</div>
<div>
I am very content and happy</div>
<div>
Of course things are not perfect </div>
<div>
My Dads health is a concern</div>
<div>
I'm still getting used to this body </div>
<div>
My meds can be tricky </div>
<div>
But I am doing my best to keep it all together </div>
<div>
To stay well</div>
<div>
And to keep moving forward </div>
<div>
I see Coco as much as I can </div>
<div>
His owner is a very difficult person to deal with </div>
<div>
I mean this man loves to wind me up</div>
<div>
One minute he's talking about finding Coco a new home </div>
<div>
The next he is talking about getting a pony for riding </div>
<div>
I would take Coco in a heart beat if I could </div>
<div>
I did inquire about renting a field near my house </div>
<div>
But no takers as of yet</div>
<div>
As well as that </div>
<div>
I just don't feel I have enough experience to take on what in reality is a next to wild animal </div>
<div>
And I definitely don't have the funds to spare if he ever needs a vet or treatment of any kind</div>
<div>
It would be irresponsible of me to take him on</div>
<div>
I am however hoping that Cocos owner will find him a good home where I can visit him and still continue to work with him</div>
<div>
As I am too involved now to walk away</div>
<div>
I just couldn't leave him</div>
<div>
He needs me </div>
<div>
And I am so fond of him</div>
<div>
I just want what is best for him</div>
<div>
That's all</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Last Thursday </div>
<div>
I turned up to my riding lesson to find that it has been cancelled for some reason</div>
<div>
So I was asked if I wanted to tag along on a two hour trek</div>
<div>
I figured why not</div>
<div>
I was with two young German girls called Emma and Lisa </div>
<div>
I was riding a beautiful girl called Molly</div>
<div>
And Anke was out trek leader </div>
<div>
First we walked down to the beach </div>
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Where we trotted, cantered and galloped </div>
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It was my first time to canter on a beach</div>
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And it was utterly exhilarating!</div>
<div>
I loved every second of it</div>
<div>
We continued down the beach </div>
<div>
And across some fields </div>
<div>
Then we arrived in the next village and crossed the road onnto a track</div>
<div>
One of the lanes was quite boggy </div>
<div>
And there was a puddle in the middle of the lane</div>
<div>
My horse seemed flummoxed as to what to do</div>
<div>
So she made a huge jump over it</div>
<div>
I was thrown back </div>
<div>
Then forward</div>
<div>
And came off Molly on my right side </div>
<div>
I was at the back of the ride</div>
<div>
So no one noticed me falling until I called out</div>
<div>
I quickly realised I wasn't hurt</div>
<div>
And went to hold Molly</div>
<div>
Anke dismounted and came down to me</div>
<div>
We established that I was ok </div>
<div>
So I jumped back up on Molly</div>
<div>
We took it easy the rest of the way back to the centre</div>
<div>
Despite my fall </div>
<div>
I loved the trek</div>
<div>
The next day my arms and legs were so sore </div>
<div>
But it was a very satisfying kind of sore</div>
<div>
I couldn't wait to go on another trek</div>
<div>
So I decided to ask my 16 year old nephew to come with me </div>
<div>
I booked an hours beach trek for us </div>
<div>
And we went yesterday </div>
<div>
We were in a group with two American girls who had never ridden before </div>
<div>
My nephew was on a huge horse called Gypsom</div>
<div>
And I was on a beautiful girl called Anna</div>
<div>
Another brilliant ride </div>
<div>
And my nephew seemed to really enjoy it</div>
<div>
So I think I will bring him again soon</div>
<div>
It's so lovely to have found something that I love to do</div>
<div>
It makes life so much more enjoyable </div>
<div>
So whatever it is that makes you happy </div>
<div>
Be it pottery</div>
<div>
Gardening </div>
<div>
Running </div>
<div>
Drawing</div>
<div>
Singing </div>
<div>
Dancing </div>
<div>
Cooking </div>
<div>
Travelling </div>
<div>
Do it </div>
<div>
Do it as much as you can </div>
<div>
Free your mind </div>
<div>
Feed your soul</div>
<div>
This is what life is all about </div>
<div>
Doing what you love </div>
<div>
And loving what you do</div>
<div>
What is your passion?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-63851172609314313162017-06-13T05:48:00.000-07:002017-06-13T05:48:33.068-07:00Week 2Yesterday<br />
<div>
I finished my second week at work</div>
<div>
I've also been looking after my Dad this week as my Mam was away</div>
<div>
It was a long week</div>
<div>
And it's so lovely to have a few days off</div>
<div>
On Sunday </div>
<div>
I worked the 4-12am shift alone </div>
<div>
I was anxious before it</div>
<div>
As I've never done that shift before </div>
<div>
As you can imaging I spent the whole week thinking about it</div>
<div>
Almost dreading it</div>
<div>
I would rather not be there on my own</div>
<div>
But there was only 15 staying in the house </div>
<div>
So only one person is needed on every shift</div>
<div>
Yesterday I was on 8-4pm</div>
<div>
So rather than going hint and conning back a few hours later </div>
<div>
I decided to stay the night there</div>
<div>
It was Avery quiet night </div>
<div>
And I spent a couple of hours just chatting with the guests </div>
<div>
It's funny how something I was dreading so muchg</div>
<div>
Can turn around and flip what you expected </div>
<div>
I think about the run up to my starting work</div>
<div>
I was a complete basket case </div>
<div>
And really wasn't sure if I would be able to start I felt that bad</div>
<div>
But now</div>
<div>
Two weeks later </div>
<div>
And I am now wondering what I was so worried for </div>
<div>
Basically working there is like running a big house</div>
<div>
It's not complicate at all</div>
<div>
But it is hard work</div>
<div>
Am on my feet all day</div>
<div>
Running between three floors </div>
<div>
Lots of lifting and physical work</div>
<div>
And it's busy</div>
<div>
But I would rather be busy than bored any day of the week</div>
<div>
It's like a big never ending circle </div>
<div>
You set and serve breakfast </div>
<div>
And by the time you havr everything washes and put away </div>
<div>
It's time to start lunch</div>
<div>
So it's a bit like ground hog day</div>
<div>
But it's very satisfying to have a sparkling and shiny kitchen at the end of the day</div>
<div>
I've also made some new friend at work which is lovely </div>
<div>
Our manager is very good at choosing her work staff</div>
<div>
Everyone is sound, hard working and easy to get along with </div>
<div>
So I am a happy camper all round</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The only thing about work</div>
<div>
Is that I'm not getting to see Coco as much </div>
<div>
I used to see him every day without fail</div>
<div>
But now it's four times a week</div>
<div>
Which is still good I guess</div>
<div>
I am doing my best though </div>
<div>
And the time I do have with him is very special</div>
<div>
Unfortunately </div>
<div>
Relations with Cocos owner are breaking down </div>
<div>
He is being very difficult </div>
<div>
Not an easy person to deal with</div>
<div>
I texted him this morning about enclosing Coco in a smaller area</div>
<div>
He texted me back to 'go ahead'</div>
<div>
This made my blood boil</div>
<div>
As he knows good and well that I can't do it alone </div>
<div>
And even if I could </div>
<div>
The expense should not fall to me</div>
<div>
I've already spent a lot of money on Coco </div>
<div>
And to expect me to pay for fencing is just not on</div>
<div>
Technically when it comes down to it</div>
<div>
It's not my land or my pony </div>
<div>
And really his owner needs to take some responsibility to look after his own animal</div>
<div>
I have brought Coco on so much </div>
<div>
To the pony where he trusts me</div>
<div>
And his best friend Lea</div>
<div>
I could actually see this coming </div>
<div>
His owner has been a smart arse from the start</div>
<div>
I've had to bite my tongue thus far</div>
<div>
But no more </div>
<div>
Even though I love Coco </div>
<div>
And would do anything for him</div>
<div>
I'm not prepared to be tested like a door mat</div>
<div>
He is messing with the wrong girl..</div>
<div>
Another option I have is that I buy Coco </div>
<div>
And move him to a field nearer to me</div>
<div>
I have someone in mind to ask</div>
<div>
So that could be a possibility </div>
<div>
Whatever happens </div>
<div>
I am not turning my back on the pony </div>
<div>
I'm way too involved now</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In other news </div>
<div>
Summer is here </div>
<div>
Although you wouldn't know it in this country</div>
<div>
Having gained weight </div>
<div>
I am not thrilled at the prospect of getting my arms and legs out</div>
<div>
I know it's bad but I've been tanning </div>
<div>
As it makes looking at myself a little less painful </div>
<div>
But to be honest </div>
<div>
My ED feels very far away now</div>
<div>
I don't even think about it really</div>
<div>
And even at this weight </div>
<div>
It doesn't really bother me that much </div>
<div>
Yea I know</div>
<div>
I'm confused too</div>
<div>
But weight has come to be of little importance to me recently </div>
<div>
I never though I would hear myself say it</div>
<div>
But I am not a size 10-12 European </div>
<div>
I have curves </div>
<div>
I have boobs galore</div>
<div>
My thighs are substantial </div>
<div>
But I am more curious and interested than anything </div>
<div>
Of course this means I am in the process of buying new clothes </div>
<div>
And dressing a new shape</div>
<div>
I've discovered that instead of trying to Hide myself in tent like clothes </div>
<div>
It's much much better to embrace my curves </div>
<div>
And make the most of my shape</div>
<div>
I don't need to tell you that this is massive progress</div>
<div>
I have foung that in recover, the body recovers first </div>
<div>
And it takes the kind a lot longer to get better </div>
<div>
But ladies let me tell you that it's worth the wait</div>
<div>
To feel</div>
<div>
Comfortable in your own skin is just amazing </div>
<div>
Better than any weight loss </div>
<div>
Better than seeing the number on the scales go down</div>
<div>
I shit you not!</div>
<div>
I am just so grateful to be in a good place</div>
<div>
And I am blessed and lucky to have a crack team of family and friends around me</div>
<div>
Who have carried me when I thought I couldn't go on</div>
<div>
Recovery is a team effort </div>
<div>
I think often times the families and friends around the sufferer are almost forgotten about </div>
<div>
Addiction, mental health and other conditions effect the whole family </div>
<div>
The whole family lives through it</div>
<div>
It's the same in recovery </div>
<div>
Families need support</div>
<div>
They need to be minded too</div>
<div>
As they are the ones who got us through </div>
<div>
Who held us </div>
<div>
Let us cry on their shoulder </div>
<div>
Who forgave us </div>
<div>
And never gave up on us</div>
<div>
They are brilliant without a doubt </div>
<div>
So thank you </div>
<div>
To all the Mams, Dads, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunties, uncles, children, friend and not forgetting the animals in our lives </div>
<div>
They are to be celebrated</div>
<div>
Because without them</div>
<div>
God knows where we would be</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'll leave it there for today </div>
<div>
Thank you for reading </div>
<div>
And for being there</div>
<div>
From the bottom of my heart</div>
<div>
Thank you💜</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-11329387083183754472017-06-03T11:48:00.000-07:002017-06-03T11:48:33.341-07:00The first step is always the hardest...It's Saturday evening<br />
<div>
And I'm chillin out at home</div>
<div>
My first week of work is over</div>
<div>
And I now have a few days off which is nice</div>
<div>
Work went better than expected </div>
<div>
And even though I had my doubts</div>
<div>
I think I will get through the summer ok</div>
<div>
Getting my first pay cheque helped massively </div>
<div>
Even if I did have to hand it all over to a mechanic</div>
<div>
My car is fixed for now </div>
<div>
So hopefully it goes for me for another while </div>
<div>
My Mam goes away on Monday for a week</div>
<div>
So I will be here alone with my Dad</div>
<div>
He needs a lot of help now </div>
<div>
His hands are all but useless </div>
<div>
Making pretty much everything nigh on impossible </div>
<div>
From buttons to forks to drinking a cup of tea</div>
<div>
Patience of a saint is required </div>
<div>
But we manage </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In other news </div>
<div>
I was scrolling through Facebook yesterday </div>
<div>
And in my friends you might know </div>
<div>
I saw a photo of an extremely evacuated girl </div>
<div>
And from doing a bit of snooping </div>
<div>
I discovered she has anorexia </div>
<div>
And also writes a blog</div>
<div>
Being a good while in to my recovery </div>
<div>
The feelings I felt looking at this photo were ones of empathy and compassion</div>
<div>
I felt no trigger</div>
<div>
No desire to be like her </div>
<div>
No immediate plan to lose weight </div>
<div>
I felt sorry for her</div>
<div>
Because her body is vocalising what she can't say</div>
<div>
My thoughts then turned to myself </div>
<div>
I have no idea what I weigh right now</div>
<div>
And have no desire to know</div>
<div>
My body shape has changed a lot over the last year </div>
<div>
I've gone from being a petit little girl</div>
<div>
To a curvy and shapely woman </div>
<div>
A lot of my clothes don't fit me now</div>
<div>
And I'm having to buy new ones</div>
<div>
In new sizes too</div>
<div>
I caking very easily lose my shit over my weight gain</div>
<div>
And a year ago I could not have handled this at all</div>
<div>
But today </div>
<div>
Well today I am ok with my weight</div>
<div>
I've decided that I have three options with my weight </div>
<div>
I can change it</div>
<div>
I can ignore it</div>
<div>
Or I can accept it</div>
<div>
I've decided to accept it</div>
<div>
As really </div>
<div>
In the grand scheme of things </div>
<div>
What's a few pounds here and there </div>
<div>
The people in my life who love me don't care what I weigh </div>
<div>
And those who do care and judge my weight are not real friends </div>
<div>
I'm pretty sure that this is the highest weight I've ever been</div>
<div>
I have boobs galore </div>
<div>
And a booty you could eat your dinner off</div>
<div>
And you know what?</div>
<div>
I am perfectly ok with that </div>
<div>
I am a firm believer in rocking what you've got </div>
<div>
And at the moment I have curves </div>
<div>
So instead of covering them in tent like clothes </div>
<div>
I am going to dress them to highlight them</div>
<div>
Accentuate the positive and all that</div>
<div>
Skinny No longer holds any glamour or wonder for me</div>
<div>
Skinny is fine </div>
<div>
But so is curvy</div>
<div>
It's more than fine </div>
<div>
It's sexy</div>
<div>
It's unique </div>
<div>
It's attractive </div>
<div>
And for the first time probably ever in my life </div>
<div>
I feel ok in my skin</div>
<div>
Now don't get me wrong </div>
<div>
I have plenty of days when I feel like I want to take a hatchet to my body </div>
<div>
I have days when I despair that none of my beautiful clothes no longer fit me</div>
<div>
But </div>
<div>
They are just clothes </div>
<div>
They are replaceable </div>
<div>
It's not a big deal</div>
<div>
The great thing about diversity is how individual you can be</div>
<div>
I spent quite a while hiding my new body in blankets of fabric</div>
<div>
Now I have decided to embrace my curves</div>
<div>
To show off rather than camouflage </div>
<div>
And there is one more thing about body image that money can't buy </div>
<div>
And that is confidence </div>
<div>
Confidence </div>
<div>
No matter what you wear </div>
<div>
Or what you look like </div>
<div>
If you have confidence </div>
<div>
If you act like you don't care </div>
<div>
If you rock what you've got and then some </div>
<div>
Then that is extremely attractive </div>
<div>
So yes </div>
<div>
One thing I've learned </div>
<div>
Is that the size of your body has absolutely categorically nothing to do with your happiness</div>
<div>
I thought when I reached a certain weight I would be happy </div>
<div>
What a load of old shit</div>
<div>
All that happened was that instead of being healthy and miserable </div>
<div>
I was now under weight and miserable </div>
<div>
And here I am now probably double my lowest weight </div>
<div>
And I am still hanging in there </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I went over to see Coco this morning </div>
<div>
With my sister and Honey and Lea</div>
<div>
I was a bit worried about seeing Coco </div>
<div>
As the last time I saw him he was pushy to the point of being aggressive </div>
<div>
But today he was in much better form</div>
<div>
And back to his gentle cheeky self</div>
<div>
Which I was so glad to see</div>
<div>
He was delighted to see his bestie Lea</div>
<div>
And followed her all around the field like a puppy</div>
<div>
Very cute</div>
<div>
Relations with Cocos owner are starting to break down though</div>
<div>
He is slimy</div>
<div>
Smart arsed</div>
<div>
Selfish</div>
<div>
Egotistical </div>
<div>
I really don't like having to deal with him</div>
<div>
So I try and avoid him at all costs</div>
<div>
But I know that is going to cause problems in the future </div>
<div>
I just hope I can continue to see Coco </div>
<div>
As that pony is part of my life now </div>
<div>
I'm too attached to walk away now</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I feel a bit restless at the moment </div>
<div>
I want to do something </div>
<div>
Like get another piercing or tattoo</div>
<div>
Or dye my hair a mad colour </div>
<div>
Pink would be nice </div>
<div>
But I don't think work would appreciate that </div>
<div>
I'm doing my best to save some money this summer </div>
<div>
It's not easy when you are as impulsive as I am</div>
<div>
I swear I have my wages spent before I even get them!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I sincerely hope that all of you are doing ok</div>
<div>
Do comment and let me know you are there</div>
<div>
I'm off to make a cuppa</div>
<div>
See you on the next post...</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-73375814661137219962017-05-31T11:03:00.000-07:002017-05-31T11:03:10.291-07:00Work, worries and a tough timeI bring you this post a very sad Ruby<br />
<div>
Sad about nothing </div>
<div>
And everything</div>
<div>
Where to start?</div>
<div>
I started work last week</div>
<div>
I am undecided as to how it is going </div>
<div>
All I know is that I've been fighting back tears recently </div>
<div>
I feel like I could fall apart at any moment </div>
<div>
Crumble to dust and blow away with the wind</div>
<div>
Work is a welcome distraction</div>
<div>
But I honestly don't know if I'm going to get through the summer without a major meltdown </div>
<div>
Also </div>
<div>
My car has been giving me so much trouble </div>
<div>
It's been in and out of the garage </div>
<div>
And no joy</div>
<div>
I've thrown money at the problem which hasn't worked</div>
<div>
It wouldn't start again today </div>
<div>
And it now sits over in the car hospital </div>
<div>
But I am doubtful she will pull through </div>
<div>
It might be time to cut my losses and change it</div>
<div>
It's incredibly frustrating having an unreliable car</div>
<div>
As well as that </div>
<div>
I've just been feeling pretty low</div>
<div>
Like my life is going no where </div>
<div>
I called over to Coco today </div>
<div>
After not seeing him for a few days </div>
<div>
and I swear he was pissed off at me</div>
<div>
He was pushy to the point of being aggressive </div>
<div>
It was like he didn't know me at all</div>
<div>
Quite upsetting </div>
<div>
But I am assured by people in the know that he's entitled to be pissed off just like we are </div>
<div>
Also he could have picked up on my negative feelings I guess</div>
<div>
But his owner is being a right difficult person to deal with</div>
<div>
I really feel like people think that because I am quiet and gentle </div>
<div>
That I am a soft touch</div>
<div>
And people can take advantage of me</div>
<div>
I really need to learn to assert myself </div>
<div>
As it's no fun being a door mat</div>
<div>
And then there is the chance that I will let all this tension build up and lose the head completely </div>
<div>
So I am trying to remain calm and collected </div>
<div>
It's not easy let me tell you </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
For the last couple of months </div>
<div>
I've been really struggling with horse riding </div>
<div>
I've been getting really tired and really out of breath </div>
<div>
Which makes it not very enjoyable </div>
<div>
So I told my doctor </div>
<div>
Who did blood tests</div>
<div>
The results came back that I had low iron </div>
<div>
Low vitamin B12</div>
<div>
And low Folic acid</div>
<div>
Anaemia in other words </div>
<div>
So I've been taking supplements and tonics </div>
<div>
Today I went horse riding </div>
<div>
And I was like a different girl </div>
<div>
I trotted and cantered around that arena no bother to me </div>
<div>
I thoroughly enjoyed it </div>
<div>
And didn't want it to end </div>
<div>
She didn't let me jump again today </div>
<div>
As she wants to take things slow </div>
<div>
Which is probably sensible </div>
<div>
But on the way back </div>
<div>
I was in the car with Fintan </div>
<div>
And I couldn't hold back the tears </div>
<div>
Even though I had a great lesson</div>
<div>
I just felt overcome with sadness and hopelessness</div>
<div>
Like my life was crumbling around me</div>
<div>
I spoke to mother who was great as always </div>
<div>
She reminded me that I have come through far worse than this </div>
<div>
She looked me dead in the eye and told me with such conviction that I will be ok</div>
<div>
I </div>
<div>
Will</div>
<div>
Be </div>
<div>
Ok</div>
<div>
I know I will be</div>
<div>
But right now I am feeling low</div>
<div>
and I have to acknowledge that</div>
<div>
Of course my appetite is being affected by all this stress </div>
<div>
But I am doing my best to stay well in that department </div>
<div>
And God only knows how much I would love a cigarette right about now</div>
<div>
He honestly don't know if this job is too much stress for me</div>
<div>
I do like it </div>
<div>
But I worry about what people think of me</div>
<div>
My co workers </div>
<div>
My manager </div>
<div>
The guests</div>
<div>
There is a 16 year old working there too</div>
<div>
And she was given a tip yesterday</div>
<div>
Right in front of me </div>
<div>
Which really knocked my confidence</div>
<div>
I've actually been thinking that I'm too sensitive </div>
<div>
Too delicate and fragile for the real world</div>
<div>
I bruise so easily </div>
<div>
And can't help but feel like the class dunce </div>
<div>
My manager asked me how I was getting on so far </div>
<div>
I told her the truth </div>
<div>
She said I had no reason to worry </div>
<div>
That I was a breath of fresh air</div>
<div>
That helped </div>
<div>
But only temporarily </div>
<div>
My confidence </div>
<div>
My self esteem</div>
<div>
My ego</div>
<div>
Has taken a few knocks recently </div>
<div>
And I don't know whether to plough ahead with work and ignore the issue </div>
<div>
Or leave and concentrate on getting well again</div>
<div>
I feel tired </div>
<div>
I feel run down and knocked over by life</div>
<div>
I just want to get in to bed and stay there forever</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
As well as all of that </div>
<div>
I don't know if I write about it </div>
<div>
But recently my Dad was diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease</div>
<div>
As you know </div>
<div>
My parents are separated </div>
<div>
And my Dad lives alone about 90 minutes away</div>
<div>
He stays with us a good bit </div>
<div>
But his team want him to make a decision as to where he is going to live permanently</div>
<div>
So they can adapt the house for him</div>
<div>
It looks like he is going to move in here </div>
<div>
Which brings up a lot</div>
<div>
My parents didn't separate because they had a happy marriage </div>
<div>
They split up almost twenty years ago</div>
<div>
And we all moved here </div>
<div>
We left our home town for a fresh start </div>
<div>
And to put some distance between ourselves and him</div>
<div>
Now we are going to be living together again</div>
<div>
And let me tell you</div>
<div>
It's. it easy </div>
<div>
My Dad is becoming very frail</div>
<div>
He lives in his own little world </div>
<div>
Almost like he's regressed to being a child again</div>
<div>
So this is a big change</div>
<div>
A massive challenge</div>
<div>
We are coping by taking each day as it comes</div>
<div>
That's all we can do</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But yes</div>
<div>
I feel very low</div>
<div>
And would only love up run in to the arms of anorexia, bulimia, heroin</div>
<div>
Or even a cigarette</div>
<div>
Something to just get out of my own head</div>
<div>
And have a bit of peace</div>
<div>
But look</div>
<div>
I will be ok</div>
<div>
I'm not ok right now </div>
<div>
But I will be</div>
<div>
So many things have run through my head this week</div>
<div>
I can go from zero to suicidal at top speed </div>
<div>
My life is not hard compared to some people </div>
<div>
But I have come through a lot</div>
<div>
and sometimes I feel so tired of life </div>
<div>
So weary </div>
<div>
Like I've lived ten lives already </div>
<div>
But what can I do only keep going </div>
<div>
Keep putting one foot in front of the other</div>
<div>
And keep fighting</div>
<div>
As my Mam said </div>
<div>
I've weathered bigger storms than this </div>
<div>
I'm made of strong stuff</div>
<div>
I will be ok...</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-70154367060963497632017-05-18T11:07:00.000-07:002017-05-18T11:07:10.448-07:00WorkSome how<br />
<div>
It is May</div>
<div>
Summer is just around the corner</div>
<div>
I seem to have blinked and missed spring</div>
<div>
Work starts next week</div>
<div>
And I am beyond anxious</div>
<div>
I am terrified</div>
<div>
No exaggeration </div>
<div>
I've been counting down the days </div>
<div>
Willing myself to find the courage to press on</div>
<div>
I'm not entirely sure why I'm in such a bad way about it all</div>
<div>
I don't remember feeling this way last year</div>
<div>
But I was a newbie then</div>
<div>
This year I am wondering if more will be expected of me because I was there last summer</div>
<div>
And I'm putting huge pressure on myself</div>
<div>
So let's break it down </div>
<div>
Why am I so bloody anxious?</div>
<div>
There are many reasons </div>
<div>
I've gained weight</div>
<div>
What will people think?</div>
<div>
What if I fuck up?</div>
<div>
What if I can't handle it and I curl up in to a ball right there in the middle of the centre?</div>
<div>
What if I lose my confidence and become paralysed with fear?</div>
<div>
What if I forget to do something like turn off the gas and I burn the place down?</div>
<div>
I swear </div>
<div>
I could go on like this all day long </div>
<div>
Inventing anxiety provoking situations </div>
<div>
The thing is </div>
<div>
Historically </div>
<div>
I have enjoyed this work </div>
<div>
The people </div>
<div>
The guests </div>
<div>
The buzz of a working kitchen</div>
<div>
The banter </div>
<div>
Or the craic as we say here in Ireland</div>
<div>
I had come to the point where I thought I wouldn't be able to do this</div>
<div>
That I would have to pull out retreat to a dark room to lick my wounds </div>
<div>
But then today </div>
<div>
I got a phone call</div>
<div>
It was Mary </div>
<div>
She had some great news about more people being trained to work in the ED services in this area</div>
<div>
She also won an award for the fantastic work she does</div>
<div>
I told Mary about my impending job and the overwhelming anxiety and fear</div>
<div>
She was her usual calm self </div>
<div>
Reminded me that I am more than capable </div>
<div>
To take deep breathes </div>
<div>
To be kind to myself </div>
<div>
After a short conversation</div>
<div>
I felt a whole lot better </div>
<div>
Suddenly I had an injection of self belief straight innto my jugular </div>
<div>
Suddenly work didn't seem so scary </div>
<div>
Because in all reality </div>
<div>
It's only for three months </div>
<div>
It's not rocket science </div>
<div>
It's hard work </div>
<div>
But it's not complicated </div>
<div>
I feel able to do it </div>
<div>
I want to do it</div>
<div>
I can do it </div>
<div>
I will do it </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In other news </div>
<div>
I was horse riding yesterday </div>
<div>
My trainer has taken it easy on me the last couple of weeks </div>
<div>
After the fall off Coco </div>
<div>
No jumping which was disappointing </div>
<div>
But I know I will get back there </div>
<div>
I am always in such a rush to get everywhere </div>
<div>
Always ten steps ahead of myself </div>
<div>
I do not possess the virtue of patience</div>
<div>
Not at all </div>
<div>
Coco is doing great </div>
<div>
He is thriving in the good weather </div>
<div>
And fresh grass</div>
<div>
It's now been four month since I started visiting him</div>
<div>
He is coming on so well</div>
<div>
Back in January </div>
<div>
He was a scared and lonely pony</div>
<div>
Now he is confident and cheeky </div>
<div>
And full of fun</div>
<div>
He has found a friend in Lea </div>
<div>
He lives her so much and follows her everywhere bless him</div>
<div>
Now Coco wears his head collar with pride </div>
<div>
Walks with a lead rope </div>
<div>
And picks up his feet</div>
<div>
Which is great as the farrier is coming saturday to do his hooves</div>
<div>
I am trying to post photos </div>
<div>
But the app won't let me for some reason</div>
<div>
Honey and Lea are good </div>
<div>
Lea is going a bit deaf which is sad </div>
<div>
But she is a happy wee thing</div>
<div>
Honey now calls over to my neighbour looking for food </div>
<div>
Which is so funny as she walks around lily she owns the place</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Anyway</div>
<div>
Just a short post for a quick update </div>
<div>
See you on the flip side...</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-14218665264290392062017-05-11T06:14:00.002-07:002017-05-11T06:14:58.130-07:00Falling in every sense of the wordI'm making a concerted effort to blog more<br />
<div>
So here I am </div>
<div>
There is so much going on at the moment </div>
<div>
Coco and trying to care for him</div>
<div>
I start work in two weeks which I'm very anxious about </div>
<div>
My Dads health isn't great </div>
<div>
He was recently diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease </div>
<div>
And he spends a lot of time staying with us</div>
<div>
As you may know my parents are separated</div>
<div>
So that makes for interesting dynamics</div>
<div>
As well as all that </div>
<div>
I did something really stupid on Monday </div>
<div>
I was over in the field with Coco and his owner </div>
<div>
We had just brought Coco for a walk down the lane </div>
<div>
And were back in the field </div>
<div>
Cocos owner suggested that I get up on his back </div>
<div>
And Miss Easily Led over here decided that was a good idea</div>
<div>
He gave me a leg up </div>
<div>
And I was on his back</div>
<div>
He was ok for a few seconds </div>
<div>
Then he seemed to spook and bucked and I came off</div>
<div>
I landed on my right side and hopped my head off the ground </div>
<div>
I waited to feel pain</div>
<div>
But all I could feel was utter shock </div>
<div>
I knelt on the ground with my head on my knees hoping I had done no damage </div>
<div>
But I was ok</div>
<div>
The only thing that was hurt was my pride </div>
<div>
So as you can imagine </div>
<div>
I am feeling rather stupid </div>
<div>
I woke up the next morning with pain all down my right side</div>
<div>
But it's easing and no permanent damage was done </div>
<div>
I went riding yesterday </div>
<div>
And told my trainer what had happened </div>
<div>
She was pretty gobsmacked that I could be so stupid </div>
<div>
She is also encouraging me to step back from the whole Coco situation </div>
<div>
It's tough because I have built up a relationship with the pony </div>
<div>
And he's become part of my day </div>
<div>
Part of my life </div>
<div>
Part of my little animal family </div>
<div>
So to walk away would break my heart </div>
<div>
It really would </div>
<div>
But my being thrown off was solely my fault </div>
<div>
And his owners fault</div>
<div>
After the fall</div>
<div>
I had to get on the back of a motor bike </div>
<div>
To be brought back to my car</div>
<div>
And then drove the half hour home </div>
<div>
Which now that I think about it was pretty stupid</div>
<div>
I could have had concussion or worse</div>
<div>
Could have blacked out</div>
<div>
I've had different reactions from everyone I've told </div>
<div>
Some are shocked </div>
<div>
Some think it's all part of looking after a pony </div>
<div>
Some think I should back off</div>
<div>
The thing is though </div>
<div>
That Coco has come on so much recently </div>
<div>
He's a different pony to the one I met back in January </div>
<div>
I just need to slow down a bit </div>
<div>
As you may know </div>
<div>
I am a person of extremes </div>
<div>
All or nothing </div>
<div>
I go from zero to 100 in jig time </div>
<div>
So maybe I just need to put the brakes on </div>
<div>
And pace myself a bit </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In other news </div>
<div>
My anxiety at the moment is really effecting my food and my appetite </div>
<div>
Which is bad as with all the activity I'm doing I need energy </div>
<div>
It's just very hard to eat when your stomach is in knots </div>
<div>
And your head is a mess of negative thoughts </div>
<div>
I'm hoping that once I start work </div>
<div>
The anxiety will ease </div>
<div>
And things will level out </div>
<div>
Hopefully </div>
<div>
I don't know about you </div>
<div>
But I find social media quite anxiety provoking too</div>
<div>
I use FB and a particular FB group</div>
<div>
And every time I post </div>
<div>
I am worrying what people think</div>
<div>
What will they say?</div>
<div>
I mostly get positive feedback </div>
<div>
But there is always one person who can be on the nasty side </div>
<div>
But I guess that's what you get when you put your life out there for others to see and judge</div>
<div>
You have to take the rough with the smooth</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Anyway</div>
<div>
I hope y'all are doing ok</div>
<div>
I hope your week is going better than mine..</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-4852117716313218932017-05-05T10:53:00.000-07:002017-05-05T10:53:00.729-07:00May Hello friends<br />
<div>
I don't know how many of you still check my blog</div>
<div>
God knows I haven't been the best blogger</div>
<div>
This blog celebrates five years on the last day of April</div>
<div>
And it was a chance to reflect on everything that has happened during those years </div>
<div>
In some ways it seems like one hundred years </div>
<div>
In other ways it feels like five minutes</div>
<div>
As you know well</div>
<div>
Eating Disorders and addictions are all encompassing </div>
<div>
You eat, sleep and breathe it</div>
<div>
You think about it </div>
<div>
Talk about it </div>
<div>
Write about it </div>
<div>
It's like having a full time job with no days off</div>
<div>
My own ED is in quite a good place </div>
<div>
I don't restrict </div>
<div>
And although I haven't eradicated the purging completely </div>
<div>
It's a lot better than it was</div>
<div>
It's the exception rather than he rule</div>
<div>
But because an ED or addiction takes up so much time abd energy</div>
<div>
When you begin to let it go</div>
<div>
There is a huge void left </div>
<div>
And it has to be filled with something healthy and positive if you want any chance of staying well</div>
<div>
For myself </div>
<div>
I tried many things to fill the void</div>
<div>
Meds </div>
<div>
Religion</div>
<div>
Meetings </div>
<div>
Shopping </div>
<div>
Stuff</div>
<div>
But the only thing that really works for me </div>
<div>
Is being with and working with animals </div>
<div>
Namely my dogs </div>
<div>
Coco </div>
<div>
Horse riding </div>
<div>
And equine assisted therapy</div>
<div>
I visit Coco every morning with my dogs </div>
<div>
And I have developed such a lovely bond with him</div>
<div>
Two weeks ago</div>
<div>
I got a head collar on him for the first time </div>
<div>
Which was a huge milestone </div>
<div>
And an indicator that he is starting to trust me</div>
<div>
Now I am teaching him to walk on a lead rope</div>
<div>
Also to pick up his feet</div>
<div>
As he is seeing the farrier next week</div>
<div>
It's a work in progress</div>
<div>
But I am loving every second of it</div>
<div>
Coco has gone from being a scared and lonely pony </div>
<div>
To a happy cheeky little man </div>
<div>
He is full of fun</div>
<div>
And never fails to make me smile </div>
<div>
We think he has a little crush on Lea</div>
<div>
As he loves her </div>
<div>
And follows her everywhere </div>
<div>
It's so lovely to watch them together</div>
<div>
Best buddies</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In other news</div>
<div>
I still go riding on a Tuesday and Wednesday </div>
<div>
And third week I did my first jump in canter!</div>
<div>
Which I just loved and can't wait to do some more </div>
<div>
I am loving riding at the moment </div>
<div>
And really feel like I am making progress which is a great feeling</div>
<div>
I also start work at the end of the month</div>
<div>
I must admit </div>
<div>
I feel very anxious thinking about it </div>
<div>
And feel like running in the opposite direction </div>
<div>
I will take it one day at a time </div>
<div>
And see how I go</div>
<div>
There is a possibility I could get work in a stables for the summer months </div>
<div>
To be honest I would rather take that work </div>
<div>
I'll know next week</div>
<div>
So I'll make a decision then</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What else?</div>
<div>
Body image continues to be a battle </div>
<div>
I am now a very healthy weight</div>
<div>
But am still getting used to th curves and shapes </div>
<div>
Trying to dress my body to make the most of it </div>
<div>
It's not easy </div>
<div>
And sometimes I think about restricting </div>
<div>
But I figure it is just not worth it </div>
<div>
I would rather be healthy and happy </div>
<div>
Rather than skinny and miserable </div>
<div>
And now I realise that it's not just about me</div>
<div>
My staying well has a ripple meffect to everyone around me </div>
<div>
Also I have two dogs and a pony that depend on me</div>
<div>
I need to be fit and well to look after them the best that I can </div>
<div>
So I just wanted to check back in</div>
<div>
And show you and let you know that there is life after EDs and addiction</div>
<div>
If you are struggling </div>
<div>
If you are drowning </div>
<div>
If you feel like there is no hope for you</div>
<div>
I am here to tell you this there is hope </div>
<div>
There is absolutely hope </div>
<div>
I am walking talking proof of that </div>
<div>
If you have read my blog</div>
<div>
You will know the shit story was my life </div>
<div>
I really thought I was a worthless piece of crap</div>
<div>
But now I know that I am a good person </div>
<div>
And in my own little way I am making a difference </div>
<div>
Spreading a message of hope and recovery </div>
<div>
Living my life as an open book in the hope that my story will help someone </div>
<div>
And spare them some of the pain that I went through</div>
<div>
For me</div>
<div>
The trick was finding something that captured my attention </div>
<div>
And gave me a reason to stay well</div>
<div>
A reason to get up in the morning</div>
<div>
A raison d'etre</div>
<div>
Because when you find something you are passionate about </div>
<div>
Something that warms your heart </div>
<div>
Stimulates your mind </div>
<div>
And feeds your soul</div>
<div>
Then that is worth living for </div>
<div>
That is worth staying well for </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I truly hope you are al doing ok</div>
<div>
I think of you often </div>
<div>
I willl always think fondly of my little blogger family </div>
<div>
And I will neve forget you </div>
<div>
Please let me know if you are out there </div>
<div>
If you at reading </div>
<div>
Writing </div>
<div>
Let me know you exist </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Much love,</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Ruby</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-67337086344731486722017-04-17T09:06:00.002-07:002017-04-17T09:06:57.784-07:00180I read somewhere recently<br />
<div>
That if something in your life is bother you </div>
<div>
You have three options </div>
<div>
Change it</div>
<div>
Ignore it</div>
<div>
Or accept it</div>
<div>
This really spoke to me as if you read my last post you will know I've been struggling with body image</div>
<div>
To cut a long story short </div>
<div>
With regard to my weight</div>
<div>
I've decided to accept it</div>
<div>
Changing it is too risky </div>
<div>
And I have too much to lose</div>
<div>
I can't ignore it as it's my body</div>
<div>
So accept it it is</div>
<div>
The end</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-53941585247436404372017-04-14T08:28:00.000-07:002017-04-14T08:28:58.833-07:00EasterHello fellow bloggers and readers<br />
<div>
I've been meaning to update here for the last couple of weeks</div>
<div>
But am just getting around to it now</div>
<div>
Life is busy </div>
<div>
I am busy </div>
<div>
I'm in a very different place in my ED and recovery </div>
<div>
My ED now takes up so little space that it's quite insignificant</div>
<div>
I don't restrict</div>
<div>
I don't binge </div>
<div>
Purging is the exception rather than the norm</div>
<div>
The only think I am kind upset about </div>
<div>
Is yes you've guessed it</div>
<div>
My weight </div>
<div>
I don't know what I weigh as I don't weigh myself </div>
<div>
But I'm pretty sure that I am the biggest I've even been </div>
<div>
My clothes feel tighter </div>
<div>
I feel like I take up a lot of space </div>
<div>
And I am generally quite uncomfortable </div>
<div>
My diet is not great </div>
<div>
And I've been eating a lot of junk food </div>
<div>
And just today a member of my family told me that I am gaining weight </div>
<div>
My first thought was to starve myself in to submission</div>
<div>
That didn't last long </div>
<div>
As I don't want to go down that route again</div>
<div>
But I do need to do something </div>
<div>
Not only to lose a bit of weight </div>
<div>
But to be healthy </div>
<div>
And to have sufficient energy for all the things I want to do</div>
<div>
Despite my weight </div>
<div>
I feel quite happy and content </div>
<div>
I see Coco every day </div>
<div>
And he continued to be the highlight of my day</div>
<div>
He is such a funny wee man</div>
<div>
Full of personality and character</div>
<div>
I can't believe how attached I have become to him</div>
<div>
It's threee months now since I started to. Is it him</div>
<div>
He has gone from being a scared and lonely pony </div>
<div>
To being relaxed, confident and happy</div>
<div>
More often than not my dogs come with me when I visit Coco </div>
<div>
And they are all good pals</div>
<div>
It's so lovely to watch them </div>
<div>
I am in pure heaven when I'm in the field with them all</div>
<div>
I can't wait for the weather to improve </div>
<div>
So I can spend long lazy days over with Coco</div>
<div>
I can't tell you how much he has helped me in the last three months </div>
<div>
I now bounce out of bed in the morning </div>
<div>
Knowing I am going to see him</div>
<div>
It gets me out of the house</div>
<div>
Out in to the fresh air</div>
<div>
I've never slept as well as I am at the moment </div>
<div>
Yes </div>
<div>
There is no doubt in my mind </div>
<div>
That pony saved me</div>
<div>
And I saved him too</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So </div>
<div>
The plan with my food </div>
<div>
Is to cut out the junk for the moment </div>
<div>
Eat a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner </div>
<div>
More exercise </div>
<div>
I must stress </div>
<div>
This is it a diet </div>
<div>
As it's not a temporary thing </div>
<div>
This needs to be my lifestyle </div>
<div>
My life </div>
<div>
At the moment I feel bloated and swollen </div>
<div>
My clothes are straining </div>
<div>
And I feel very uncomfortable </div>
<div>
I would like to lose about 15 pounds </div>
<div>
And I will still be comfortably in the healthy weight for my height category </div>
<div>
And before you say this sounds dodgy</div>
<div>
And I'm meeting trouble half way </div>
<div>
I have no desire to be stick thin or underweight </div>
<div>
I just want to feel good in my skin</div>
<div>
I just want to be healthy and happy </div>
<div>
And I'm not being a sucker thinking weight loss will make me happy </div>
<div>
But I do want to feel comfortably in myself </div>
<div>
And I don't at the moment</div>
<div>
Because I was eating a lot of junk food </div>
<div>
And no proper food at all</div>
<div>
It's no wonder I am gaining </div>
<div>
And probably lucky I have not gained more </div>
<div>
I have to say though </div>
<div>
I am finding junk food much harder to give up than I did cigarettes </div>
<div>
I guess it's so accessible </div>
<div>
And the least harmful </div>
<div>
So it's easier to grab than say a cigarette or a drink or a drug</div>
<div>
However </div>
<div>
I will persevere </div>
<div>
As I always do</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In other news </div>
<div>
I have my job back again this summer </div>
<div>
So I will be starting late May time </div>
<div>
I have mixed feelings about the job</div>
<div>
I'm grateful to have it back again </div>
<div>
And to be offered it again is fantastic </div>
<div>
I'm just a bit worried that I will get anxious again </div>
<div>
And struggle to go in in the morning </div>
<div>
The way I was with my course</div>
<div>
Also I'm worried I won't see as much of Coco </div>
<div>
But part of the reason I am working is for him</div>
<div>
And to get him a companion </div>
<div>
But there will be a cap on how many hours I can do </div>
<div>
Between 20-24</div>
<div>
So I'm just hoping and praying that it all goes smoothly </div>
<div>
As I really enjoyed it last year </div>
<div>
It was such a lovely place to work </div>
<div>
And the people were just great </div>
<div>
Both guests and staff</div>
<div>
I made friends </div>
<div>
I made money </div>
<div>
And it gave me a sense of responsibility </div>
<div>
When I do something </div>
<div>
I like to do it right </div>
<div>
I'm probably a perfectionist at heart </div>
<div>
But as my sister says </div>
<div>
Done is better than perfect </div>
<div>
How true is that?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In other other news </div>
<div>
My brother published his first novel last month </div>
<div>
It is called Ithaca</div>
<div>
We had a great time launching it in style and celebrating his success</div>
<div>
We are all very proud of him</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I don't know how many of you are still reading and writing </div>
<div>
I am hoping there are a few of us left </div>
<div>
I tend to use Facebook more these days </div>
<div>
As it's quick and easy </div>
<div>
I don't always have the energy or the inclination to write a whole blog post </div>
<div>
Not knowing if anyone is reading </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So </div>
<div>
Thoughts on losing weight in recovery?</div>
<div>
I'd love to know what you think</div>
<div>
Answers on a postcard please...</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-91397223298951163262017-03-29T12:07:00.000-07:002017-03-29T12:07:07.454-07:00Back? Maybe?I miss you guys<br />
<div>
I miss writing </div>
<div>
I'm on a Facebook group about horses and people seem genuinely interested in mine and Cocos story</div>
<div>
So am thinking I might continue our story on this blog</div>
<div>
And then she got a pony!</div>
<div>
Anyone out there interested in reading about us</div>
<div>
Do let me know</div>
<div>
I notice my statistics are still quite high</div>
<div>
So I would love to know if you are interested because I know I would love to continue writing</div>
<div>
Yay or nay people?</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-27481230094817583562017-03-16T11:46:00.002-07:002017-03-16T11:46:55.246-07:005 Years on...Next month<br />
<div>
I celebrate 5 years blogging</div>
<div>
It's hard to believe </div>
<div>
So much has happened in those years </div>
<div>
And every bit of it documented </div>
<div>
It's been an emotional roller coaster </div>
<div>
So many ups and downs</div>
<div>
Highs and lows </div>
<div>
Recovery and relapse</div>
<div>
In to treatment </div>
<div>
Trying to recover from home </div>
<div>
Addiction issues </div>
<div>
Holidays </div>
<div>
Courses </div>
<div>
Relationships </div>
<div>
My dogs</div>
<div>
Coco </div>
<div>
And my life now </div>
<div>
Where I am quite happy and content </div>
<div>
I hate to write this </div>
<div>
And part of me is really fighting this </div>
<div>
But I think my blog is coming to a natural end </div>
<div>
For many reasons</div>
<div>
Blogger seems very dead</div>
<div>
There is no buzz about it the way there used to be</div>
<div>
I'm now using Facebook more </div>
<div>
And my own Facebook page </div>
<div>
I don't use blogger half as much as I used to</div>
<div>
So I think it's time to slip away quietly </div>
<div>
Of course this is not goodbye</div>
<div>
I will still keep in touch with you all</div>
<div>
That is not chsnging</div>
<div>
But I will no longer be updating here </div>
<div>
Life is shooting forward at light speed </div>
<div>
And I can barely keep up</div>
<div>
A lot of times I don't have the time to sit down and write a lengthy post</div>
<div>
Things with my ED have also moved on</div>
<div>
I don't restrict </div>
<div>
Purging is a rarity</div>
<div>
I don't weigh myself </div>
<div>
I don't deny myself food </div>
<div>
My ED I'd gradually becoming part of my past </div>
<div>
Not my present </div>
<div>
So I just wanted to take this opportunity </div>
<div>
To thank you all</div>
<div>
For your comments </div>
<div>
Your kindness</div>
<div>
Your thoughtful words</div>
<div>
Your patience </div>
<div>
Thank you for being there </div>
<div>
For reading </div>
<div>
For listening </div>
<div>
For gently guiding me </div>
<div>
For never giving up on me </div>
<div>
For believing in me </div>
<div>
Thank you for becoming part of my story </div>
<div>
For loving me even though I hated myself </div>
<div>
Thank you for your advice </div>
<div>
Your wise words and sage suggestions </div>
<div>
For being a good friend </div>
<div>
For telling me what I needed to hear rather than what I wanted to hear </div>
<div>
Thank you for taking my story in to your hearts </div>
<div>
For sending me love from the four corners of the world </div>
<div>
Thank you for letting me cry </div>
<div>
For making me laugh</div>
<div>
For allowing me to be myself </div>
<div>
For accepting me</div>
<div>
For being the voice of reason</div>
<div>
Thank you for reminding me that I am unique </div>
<div>
That I am lovable </div>
<div>
And that I am not a bad person</div>
<div>
Thank you for never giving up on me </div>
<div>
For providing a safe place for me to fall</div>
<div>
For forming a supportive community of ED sufferers </div>
<div>
You girls saved my life and my sanity over and over again</div>
<div>
Thank you </div>
<div>
I love you </div>
<div>
I will never forget you</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
If you want to stay in touch </div>
<div>
Please email me </div>
<div>
Andthenshedisappeared@yahoo.ie</div>
<div>
We can Facebook or whatever suits you</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Xxxxxx</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-79359203680171113892017-03-04T07:17:00.000-08:002017-03-04T07:17:35.155-08:00Facebook<a href="https://m.facebook.com/The-adventures-of-one-girl-two-dogs-and-a-pony-called-Coco-1444045862286398/" id="id_2b9a_52f9_12db_552b">https://m.facebook.com/The-adventures-of-one-girl-two-dogs-and-a-pony-called-Coco-1444045862286398/</a>Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-77040772093682425562017-03-04T03:32:00.000-08:002017-03-04T06:40:01.856-08:00Still here...Yes<br />
<div>
I am still here </div>
<div>
I know </div>
<div>
I'm not terribly active here on blogger anymore</div>
<div>
But I do like to check in once in a while</div>
<div>
So </div>
<div>
I've had a busy week to say the least</div>
<div>
Mary had asked me to do some media interviews as part of EDAW</div>
<div>
So I did two radio interviews</div>
<div>
And two newspaper interviews</div>
<div>
I have to tell you</div>
<div>
It was a scary business</div>
<div>
But I think they went well</div>
<div>
I really did my best </div>
<div>
And I wanted to do for all ED sufferers out there</div>
<div>
And for you </div>
<div>
Monday I did Ocean FM</div>
<div>
Which was live in the studio</div>
<div>
At one point I went completely blank </div>
<div>
Couldn't remember what I was doing</div>
<div>
Or saying </div>
<div>
Couldn't even remember my own name </div>
<div>
But I think I managed to pick it up again without too much dead air</div>
<div>
The interviewer was lovely </div>
<div>
And Mary and my Mam were there</div>
<div>
I couldn't ask for better support</div>
<div>
It lasted about 15 minutes </div>
<div>
And I did my best to get everything in to the interview </div>
<div>
Of course when it was over </div>
<div>
I thought of all the things I could have said </div>
<div>
But look</div>
<div>
It's done now </div>
<div>
After the interview on Monday </div>
<div>
We picked up the newspaper I featured in</div>
<div>
I went in to the shop</div>
<div>
And there I was on the front page</div>
<div>
I nearly died</div>
<div>
And immediately became super self conscious </div>
<div>
Theng there was a big photo of myself and Mary on page 11</div>
<div>
Oh my God it was a very strange experience seeing myself in print</div>
<div>
Then on Tuesday </div>
<div>
I had an interview on Shannonside FM</div>
<div>
Which was over the phone</div>
<div>
Again I was very nervous </div>
<div>
At one point I mentioned my blog </div>
<div>
And the interviewer asked me for the name of it</div>
<div>
I didn't know what to say </div>
<div>
So I said I would tell him after the interview </div>
<div>
He didn't push the issue after that </div>
<div>
I was so relieved to have all the interviews over with </div>
<div>
I probably will never know if I helped anyone </div>
<div>
I know in the days following </div>
<div>
Two girls presented to Mary having heard my interviews</div>
<div>
That in itself is amazing!</div>
<div>
To know I made a difference </div>
<div>
And my story mattered</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
On Wednesday </div>
<div>
I went horse riding </div>
<div>
And we had the final day of our course </div>
<div>
So they did a little graduation ceremony </div>
<div>
And we got certs and ribbons</div>
<div>
So lovely </div>
<div>
I am thoroughly enjoying horse riding again </div>
<div>
I wish I could do more of it</div>
<div>
I know now that I made the right decision leaving my course </div>
<div>
I have no doubt about that </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In other news </div>
<div>
You might have seen that I made a Facebook page for me, my dogs and Coco</div>
<div>
Being a bit of a technophobe </div>
<div>
I am still trying to navigate my way through it </div>
<div>
I don't know how to share the link here </div>
<div>
So if someone could let me know </div>
<div>
I would be hella grateful</div>
<div>
But yes </div>
<div>
My relationship with Coco continues to blossom</div>
<div>
I love that little pony so much </div>
<div>
He brings so much happiness to my life </div>
<div>
Bit by bit </div>
<div>
He has relaxed around me </div>
<div>
And is letting his personality shine </div>
<div>
He is such a character </div>
<div>
A cheeky monkey </div>
<div>
One of his favourite things to go is pull my hat off my head </div>
<div>
And play with it in his mouth</div>
<div>
He also likes to run around like a complete lunatic </div>
<div>
He drinks tea </div>
<div>
He rolls around </div>
<div>
We play chase </div>
<div>
And generally have a lot of fun</div>
<div>
I am now taking charge of feeding him</div>
<div>
And more interest I show in him</div>
<div>
The more his owner stands back </div>
<div>
So I'm not really sure what is happening </div>
<div>
But I'm too attached now to walk away</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In other news</div>
<div>
I booked a day photographer to come and take photos of me and the dogs and Coco</div>
<div>
We are going to do it in the field </div>
<div>
It costs €90 everything included</div>
<div>
So I think that's pretty good going </div>
<div>
Can't wait to share them with you </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Anyway</div>
<div>
That's all from me today </div>
<div>
Hope you are all doing ok</div>
<div>
And if someone could please tell me how to share the link to my page </div>
<div>
I will love you forever....</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-91178086469567227052017-02-27T11:54:00.000-08:002017-02-27T11:54:34.646-08:00On the radio....It's been a busy week<br />
<div>
Last Monday did an interview with a local newspaper </div>
<div>
About my story </div>
<div>
And it bring EDAW </div>
<div>
It was very timely </div>
<div>
I did my best </div>
<div>
And I did it for all ED sufferers</div>
<div>
Whether you are in the midst of your illness </div>
<div>
Or in recovery </div>
<div>
I did it for you </div>
<div>
The newspaper came out today </div>
<div>
It was a good article </div>
<div>
And both mine and Mary's main points were covered </div>
<div>
Today I did an interview on local radio</div>
<div>
Which was an experience let me tell you </div>
<div>
Again Mary was with me </div>
<div>
And we both got through it </div>
<div>
At times I looked to Mary for support </div>
<div>
And she would give me a little wink to let me know I was doing ok </div>
<div>
I have to tell you </div>
<div>
It was nerve wrecking </div>
<div>
And I was a bit of a nervous wreck </div>
<div>
Sitting in the studio</div>
<div>
Waiting for my cue</div>
<div>
Was pretty terrifying </div>
<div>
But once I started to speak</div>
<div>
I was ok</div>
<div>
T he interviewer was very good </div>
<div>
And had obviously done some research about the subject</div>
<div>
At one point</div>
<div>
After he had asked a question</div>
<div>
I am went completely blank</div>
<div>
I couldn't remember the question</div>
<div>
What I was talking about</div>
<div>
And what the fell was going on</div>
<div>
But somehow I managed to pick it up again</div>
<div>
And I don't think it was noticed </div>
<div>
In the middle of the interview </div>
<div>
One of my friend texted in to the show </div>
<div>
And I have him a shout out which was funny</div>
<div>
I really did my best though </div>
<div>
And try to cover the main points </div>
<div>
Dispel the myths </div>
<div>
And advice for people who are struggling </div>
<div>
All too soon </div>
<div>
It was over </div>
<div>
And the relief was massive </div>
<div>
I was glad just to have got through it </div>
<div>
And I hope it goes somewhat to help others who are suffering </div>
<div>
Tomorrow I have another interview on radio</div>
<div>
And then I am finished thank God</div>
<div>
I am not cut for this craic</div>
<div>
It's exhausting </div>
<div>
But so worth doing </div>
<div>
I got some feedback after the interview </div>
<div>
It was all very positive </div>
<div>
And great to hear people's thoughts </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Helping people with an ED can be a minefield </div>
<div>
What do you say?</div>
<div>
What do you not say?</div>
<div>
When do you play good cop?</div>
<div>
And when do you play bad cop?</div>
<div>
I think you have to judge each case individually </div>
<div>
Sometimes it's appropriate to be gentle </div>
<div>
And sometimes stronger words are needed</div>
<div>
I guess I am in the position now that I've seen the benefits of recovery </div>
<div>
And I know there is no need to suffer </div>
<div>
So it can be frustrating to watch someone self destruct again and again</div>
<div>
I can only imagine what my family went through over the years </div>
<div>
Endless patience is a must when dealing with EDs</div>
<div>
Look</div>
<div>
I am no poster girl for recovery </div>
<div>
I make mistakes every single day </div>
<div>
I say the wrong thing</div>
<div>
Do the wrong thing</div>
<div>
But I know that my heart is in the right place </div>
<div>
And I just want the best for those around me</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Anyway</div>
<div>
I missed Coco today</div>
<div>
Am going straight over to see him tomorrow adternoon</div>
<div>
And tell him all about my adventures </div>
<div>
Because he has been part of my recovery too</div>
<div>
He's part of the jigsaw puzzle that is my life and my recovery</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
If you would like to listen to the interview</div>
<div>
You can find it on line </div>
<div>
Google Ocean FM</div>
<div>
And look for the podcasts and Ruth's story</div>
<div>
Yes </div>
<div>
Now you know my real name </div>
<div>
But if you get a chance </div>
<div>
Have a listen</div>
<div>
I'd love to know what you think...</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-36685614256168085742017-02-20T10:43:00.000-08:002017-02-20T10:43:05.777-08:00EDAWAs you may know<br />
<div>
Eating Disorders Awareness Week starts the 27th February running until March 5th</div>
<div>
Mary contacted me last week</div>
<div>
To ask me if I would be interested in doing a couple of interviews with local press</div>
<div>
So today I did a phone interview with a local newspaper </div>
<div>
It was all done on speaker phone </div>
<div>
And Mary was interviewed too</div>
<div>
I hope we did a good job</div>
<div>
As I'm very aware when doing these things that I am speaking for our whole community </div>
<div>
The interviewer was lovely </div>
<div>
Very kind and gentle </div>
<div>
And asked very intelligent questions </div>
<div>
Not just looking for the gory details </div>
<div>
I was quite a nervous nelly this morning </div>
<div>
But I was delighted to do something that might help others in the same situation</div>
<div>
The press officer for our national health service gave a press release today </div>
<div>
And I was asked to supply a quote</div>
<div>
I write a few lines about the myths surrounding EDs</div>
<div>
And encouraged those suffering to reach out and seek help</div>
<div>
Also</div>
<div>
I am doing an interview on local radio next Monday morning </div>
<div>
That will be challenging as it will be live </div>
<div>
But again </div>
<div>
I am privileged to be speaking for our community </div>
<div>
I don't know if these publications will be on line </div>
<div>
But I will certainly keep you posted</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I was away this weekend </div>
<div>
And I missed my dogs and Coco something serious </div>
<div>
Can't wait to see Coco tomorrow</div>
<div>
And it will be intetesting to see how he reacts when he sees me</div>
<div>
I spoke this morning about how much animals have helped in my recovery </div>
<div>
My dogs </div>
<div>
My horse riding </div>
<div>
Coco</div>
<div>
They are a huge part of my life now</div>
<div>
And really make life worth living </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Must dash</div>
<div>
Just wanted to let you know about EDAW</div>
<div>
See you in the next post....</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-50334772794607893522017-02-18T02:08:00.002-08:002017-02-18T09:44:26.342-08:00The next chapter...Recently<br />
<div>
I have been feeling that my blog is coming to a natural end</div>
<div>
It's five years now since I started writing </div>
<div>
And it felt like it might be time to stop</div>
<div>
Where once I relied so much on this blog</div>
<div>
And the people here </div>
<div>
Now I am living life </div>
<div>
And don't rely on it as much </div>
<div>
As well as that </div>
<div>
Blogger is so very quiet </div>
<div>
And i tend to use Facebook more</div>
<div>
So I had been thinking about writing my last post</div>
<div>
When it occurred to me</div>
<div>
I can still write </div>
<div>
But instead of focusing on my eating disorder and addiction</div>
<div>
I can write about what's happening for me now </div>
<div>
Because there is lots happening</div>
<div>
I'm in a group on Facebook called Friendly Horse Chat </div>
<div>
And that's mostly where I post now</div>
<div>
I asked the lovely people there </div>
<div>
If they would be interested in reading my blog </div>
<div>
And I got a great response </div>
<div>
So I will share the link with them</div>
<div>
In other words </div>
<div>
I'm not going anywhere </div>
<div>
Just taking a different path</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm away for the weekend </div>
<div>
And I have to be honest with you </div>
<div>
I am missing Coco something serious </div>
<div>
I usually spend my Saturday with him </div>
<div>
So I feel a bit lonely for him</div>
<div>
I know it's only two days </div>
<div>
But I don't feel right until I get my daily dose of Coco</div>
<div>
We went to a musical last night </div>
<div>
And I spent the interval watching videos of him</div>
<div>
Yes </div>
<div>
I have it bad </div>
<div>
I love that little guy so much</div>
<div>
And I will probably text his owner today to see how he is </div>
<div>
But of course I'm missing the dogs too</div>
<div>
That goes without saying </div>
<div>
Things are going well with Coco</div>
<div>
He even got me a Valentine's rose </div>
<div>
I know it was from Cocos owner </div>
<div>
But we will pretend it was from Coco </div>
<div>
I think I am making progress with him </div>
<div>
He seems quite comfortable around me now </div>
<div>
And has no problem thoroughly investigating me every time I visit him</div>
<div>
I usually bring Lea or both dogs with me </div>
<div>
And we all run around the field like lunatics</div>
<div>
I love to see Coco having fun</div>
<div>
Running and bucking and frolicking </div>
<div>
It's such a lovely sight</div>
<div>
I am learning like a complete looper running around the field </div>
<div>
But I really enjoy it </div>
<div>
And that is the main thing</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In other news </div>
<div>
I've done four weeks of my horse course now </div>
<div>
Two more to go</div>
<div>
I'm loving it </div>
<div>
And even though it's mostly stuff I've done before </div>
<div>
It's great to go over it again</div>
<div>
The last few weeks I've been in a new riding group</div>
<div>
With two other girls </div>
<div>
We all canter so I guess it makes sense to put us together </div>
<div>
I am thoroughly enjoying riding again </div>
<div>
My confidence had been knocked in my course before Christmas </div>
<div>
But I feel I am back feeling good again </div>
<div>
The last two weeks </div>
<div>
I've been on a new horse called Leroy</div>
<div>
Who is a big boy</div>
<div>
But a gentle giant with it</div>
<div>
It's been so exciting riding a new horse </div>
<div>
And it feels like it just works </div>
<div>
Like it's all coming together </div>
<div>
I've also been thinking about the horsemanship course I was doing</div>
<div>
And I think I'd like to go back to it at some point </div>
<div>
I feel like I have unfinished business there </div>
<div>
But </div>
<div>
I will wait and see what happens </div>
<div>
Life has been taking me on such unexpected journeys recently </div>
<div>
So I'm excited to see what happens next</div>
<div>
Life is good at the moment </div>
<div>
I feel happy and content </div>
<div>
I spend my days with the animals in my life </div>
<div>
And I just love it!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So yes </div>
<div>
I am sticking around for the moment </div>
<div>
I would have to stop writing this blog </div>
<div>
As it has been a life line over the years </div>
<div>
And back a few years ago </div>
<div>
Blogger was buzzing </div>
<div>
And it was really exciting to be part of it </div>
<div>
Now it is so quiet </div>
<div>
Which is a shame </div>
<div>
But I guess like me </div>
<div>
People have gone in to use other social media </div>
<div>
Like Facebook and Instagram</div>
<div>
If you are interested </div>
<div>
I am goon to keep writing </div>
<div>
And let you know about my recovery rather than my illness </div>
<div>
Or if there is anything you would like me to write about in particular </div>
<div>
Do let me know </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Eating Disorders Awareness Week is coming up soon </div>
<div>
My counsellor Mary has asked me to do a couple of interviews with local newspapers and radio stations </div>
<div>
Which I will do </div>
<div>
I was also contacted my a journalist from a national tabloid newspaper and asked to do an interview </div>
<div>
I am unsure whether to do it or not </div>
<div>
As they have already asked for photos </div>
<div>
And I'm pretty sure they will be after the gory details like numbers, food diaries etc</div>
<div>
But in fairness </div>
<div>
The journalist who contacted me has been quite tactful </div>
<div>
And says she wouldn't want me to do the interview if it would hinder my recovery </div>
<div>
I said I would think about it over the weekend </div>
<div>
But I was wondering what you guys thought </div>
<div>
Have you ever done an interview?</div>
<div>
If you were me </div>
<div>
Would you do it?</div>
<div>
I am very reluctant to give photos </div>
<div>
But I would be willing to give a head shot of when I was ill</div>
<div>
I don't think I would be comfortable sharing a full body shot</div>
<div>
Anyway </div>
<div>
I would love to know your thoughts</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Also before I go </div>
<div>
Hello and welcome to all my new readers!</div>
<div>
I hope you get something from my blog and it's a pleasure to have your company </div>
<div>
Happy Saturday everyone!</div>
<div>
See you on the next post!</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-11273009672558954752017-02-06T04:05:00.000-08:002017-02-06T04:05:16.821-08:00Monday I really do apologise for my lack of posting<br />
<div>
I guess I have been busy living </div>
<div>
And I don't have the time to be writing as much as I used to</div>
<div>
Back when I was in the midst of my illness </div>
<div>
I had nothing but time </div>
<div>
And posted every day</div>
<div>
Because all I had in my life was the disorder </div>
<div>
It's was all I thought about </div>
<div>
Talked about </div>
<div>
Wrote about </div>
<div>
Read about </div>
<div>
But now</div>
<div>
Well</div>
<div>
Things are a lot different </div>
<div>
I have regained weight to a healthy BMI</div>
<div>
I no longer deny myself food in order to lose weight </div>
<div>
I used to purge up to 20 times a day </div>
<div>
Now it's a rarity rather than the norm</div>
<div>
What a transformation it has been </div>
<div>
A crazy ride </div>
<div>
But I made it out the other side</div>
<div>
I lived to tell the tale </div>
<div>
Now I don't think about food the way I used to</div>
<div>
Food used to be the enemy </div>
<div>
Something to be feared </div>
<div>
Because food meant weight </div>
<div>
And weight was bad</div>
<div>
Skinny was good </div>
<div>
And underweight was even better </div>
<div>
It was a safe place </div>
<div>
I was a sick person</div>
<div>
That became my identity </div>
<div>
But rewind about 15 years</div>
<div>
And after dabbling in drugs for a few years</div>
<div>
I become addicted to heroin</div>
<div>
While using </div>
<div>
I stayed in various different drug houses </div>
<div>
Where the number one priority was drugs </div>
<div>
Not food </div>
<div>
Not heating </div>
<div>
Every penny went on the drug </div>
<div>
So I would spend a few weeks in the drug house </div>
<div>
Then when the money ran out </div>
<div>
I would go home to recharge my batteries </div>
<div>
I can do clearly remember going home </div>
<div>
And being overwhelmed by all the food in the fridge </div>
<div>
I was so hungry </div>
<div>
But I felt so guilty that I had food </div>
<div>
And my drug using friends didn't </div>
<div>
This was the start of my associating food with guilt</div>
<div>
And I've never been the same since </div>
<div>
My eating disorder began here </div>
<div>
Although it took me a long time to make the connection</div>
<div>
But I know now that food is not the issue </div>
<div>
It's a symptom of a greater problem </div>
<div>
For me</div>
<div>
I know I have an addictive personality </div>
<div>
Coupled with the fact that I struggle to live in reality </div>
<div>
I have low self esteem</div>
<div>
And long to get away from my own thoughts </div>
<div>
I've been addicted to many things over the years </div>
<div>
Shoplifting </div>
<div>
Exercising</div>
<div>
Shopping</div>
<div>
Spending money </div>
<div>
Drifter chocolate bars </div>
<div>
Enemas </div>
<div>
Laxatives </div>
<div>
Prescription meds </div>
<div>
I could go on and on...</div>
<div>
The moral of the story is that I need to be careful</div>
<div>
If I get a good feeling off something </div>
<div>
I tend to want it again and again </div>
<div>
And quickly get addicted</div>
<div>
But at least now I am aware</div>
<div>
And can keep an eye on my behaviour </div>
<div>
I've often talked about how addiction and an ED leave a gaping void when they are taken away </div>
<div>
Which needs to be addressed and filled with some thing healthy </div>
<div>
For me</div>
<div>
I filled that void with my life of horses and animals in general </div>
<div>
And that is a hell of a lot better than drugs or shopping or drinking </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In other news </div>
<div>
I've been visiting Coco a good bit </div>
<div>
I usually go over three times a week</div>
<div>
And being Mam and the dogs </div>
<div>
I think Coco is coming on leaps and bounds </div>
<div>
In the morning </div>
<div>
We give him a bucket of feed </div>
<div>
And an apple or a carrot </div>
<div>
After that it's play time </div>
<div>
And I run around the field with him and the dogs </div>
<div>
Coco has really taken a shine to Lea </div>
<div>
He follows her everywhere </div>
<div>
And one day when we sitting down </div>
<div>
He started to groom her </div>
<div>
Which was just adorable </div>
<div>
It's lovely to see Coco running and frolicking and bucking and playing</div>
<div>
He seems to get a great kick out of all the attention he gets </div>
<div>
And I love to se him so happy </div>
<div>
Last week</div>
<div>
I brought a grooming mitt over </div>
<div>
And gradually Coco let me groom his nose and face and chest </div>
<div>
I swear that pony has so much potential </div>
<div>
To watch him with Lea is just beautiful </div>
<div>
And he is so gentle with her </div>
<div>
Cocos owner Gordon and me have been talking about getting him a companion</div>
<div>
Gordon says it's up to me </div>
<div>
If I wanted to get a pony/horse for riding </div>
<div>
Well </div>
<div>
I don't need to tell you </div>
<div>
My eyes nearly popped out</div>
<div>
And the excitement was massive!</div>
<div>
The thoughts of getting my very own pony ?</div>
<div>
That is the dream right there!</div>
<div>
But look</div>
<div>
I know this is something that I really shouldn't rush in to </div>
<div>
Ok </div>
<div>
So I have land </div>
<div>
And plenty of it </div>
<div>
I have a companion </div>
<div>
I have the benefit of the knowledge from my course </div>
<div>
And also Gordon who has spent his whole life around horses </div>
<div>
I did get some good news last week</div>
<div>
Thdtbi have my job again in the summer </div>
<div>
Starting May </div>
<div>
This is fantastic news!</div>
<div>
And it means I will get a chance to save money</div>
<div>
So</div>
<div>
The plan is to work as many hours as I can </div>
<div>
Save every penny </div>
<div>
And hopefully at the end of the season </div>
<div>
I will have €2000-€3000 saved </div>
<div>
Enough to adopt a horse </div>
<div>
And to get started </div>
<div>
There are some great horse sanctuary in this country </div>
<div>
And I have contacted a couple of them </div>
<div>
So I will keep my options open </div>
<div>
But you guys </div>
<div>
How exciting is this?</div>
<div>
Possibly getting my very first horse!</div>
<div>
I never though that this could actually happen </div>
<div>
Having my own horse. </div>
<div>
Would give me a reason to stay well</div>
<div>
A reason to get up in the morning</div>
<div>
I feel super excited </div>
<div>
But I won't rush in to anything </div>
<div>
I need to 'pace myself' as my mother says </div>
<div>
This is not something to be decided on a whim</div>
<div>
I need to be prepared </div>
<div>
I need the funds </div>
<div>
And the time and energy </div>
<div>
It's a massive commitment and responsibility </div>
<div>
I want to give my prospective horse the best life possible </div>
<div>
I can't wait to see what this year brings </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Is it just me or does blogger seem very quiet?</div>
<div>
Do let me know if you are out there and still reading </div>
<div>
Let me know that I am not alone...</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-21001593373747119212017-01-28T10:25:00.000-08:002017-02-18T01:01:09.285-08:00Coco and Lea....BFFsI visited Coco a couple of times this week<br />
<div>
On Thursday with my Mam, the owner, Ruby the dog and Lea</div>
<div>
And today just me and Lea</div>
<div>
Coco and Lea are fast becoming besties </div>
<div>
Coco loves her</div>
<div>
And follows her around the field </div>
<div>
Today they were running and frolicking </div>
<div>
It was just adorable</div>
<div>
I brought a flask of tea </div>
<div>
And Coco thought this was fascinating!</div>
<div>
As I drank my tea </div>
<div>
Lea lay down beside me</div>
<div>
And Coco came over and started to groom her </div>
<div>
I just love how well they are getting on</div>
<div>
After Lea's spinal diagnosis </div>
<div>
We were worried for her future </div>
<div>
But she seems to have found a new lease of life with her new buddy Coco</div>
<div>
After a bit of investigating </div>
<div>
I have finally found out who owns the little white pony down the road</div>
<div>
I have a phone number for him</div>
<div>
It's a work number </div>
<div>
So I will try ringing on Monday </div>
<div>
I bought my first pair of 'country boots' this week</div>
<div>
They are brown and are really a glorified welly</div>
<div>
But they do the job out in the fields and in the yard</div>
<div>
So yes </div>
<div>
The city girl in me is well and truly dead</div>
<div>
I am now a country girl</div>
<div>
And proud of it!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In other news </div>
<div>
I weighed myself this week</div>
<div>
I don't know why </div>
<div>
But I was curious </div>
<div>
Seeing the number </div>
<div>
I was indifferent </div>
<div>
It meant nothing </div>
<div>
It wasn't good </div>
<div>
It wasn't bad </div>
<div>
It was what it was </div>
<div>
A number that holds no pleasure or pain for me anymore </div>
<div>
I think that is good </div>
<div>
I now appreciate my body a lot more </div>
<div>
It's strong </div>
<div>
It's capable </div>
<div>
It's able </div>
<div>
It allows me to go so much </div>
<div>
I'm no longer a physically weak girl </div>
<div>
Now I walk</div>
<div>
I run</div>
<div>
I ride horses </div>
<div>
I lift</div>
<div>
I carry </div>
<div>
I fill out my clothes </div>
<div>
And I love it</div>
<div>
But it isn't that long ago that I was in a bad place </div>
<div>
I know how it feels to have no hope </div>
<div>
No belief </div>
<div>
No faith</div>
<div>
No reason to go on never mind recover </div>
<div>
In my that place it is incredibly difficult to take that first step in to recovery </div>
<div>
It's terrifying </div>
<div>
And the disorder that was a comfort zone </div>
<div>
Has now become a hiding place </div>
<div>
Anything beyond it I'd too much </div>
<div>
And too scary </div>
<div>
But I have to tell you </div>
<div>
If you do manage to take that first step </div>
<div>
The rewards are instant and massive </div>
<div>
Bigger and better than you could ever believe </div>
<div>
Your physical health will improve </div>
<div>
You will feel better </div>
<div>
You will think clearer </div>
<div>
You will make more sense </div>
<div>
Life will make more sense </div>
<div>
You will begin to see that there is life beyond the disorder </div>
<div>
No matter how deep you are in</div>
<div>
It's just a matter of having the courage to shut your eyes </div>
<div>
Clench your fists</div>
<div>
Lift one foot </div>
<div>
And take that first step </div>
<div>
You won't regret </div>
<div>
I promise you that </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am now pretty sure that I did the right thing leaving my course </div>
<div>
I have no regrets </div>
<div>
And I am involved with horses more than ever now </div>
<div>
I am content </div>
<div>
I have moments of happiness </div>
<div>
I am ok </div>
<div>
Finally </div>
<div>
I am ok</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-84261664176735515462017-01-21T02:34:00.001-08:002017-01-21T02:34:54.951-08:00FacebookI got a few photos posted on my last post<br />
But it won't seem to let me post the most recent Ines<br />
If you want to add me on Facebook<br />
Email me or leave a comment<br />
All the photos of Coco and the last month are there....Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-30148079744401924262017-01-21T01:41:00.001-08:002017-01-21T01:41:42.515-08:00Pictures at last!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCpIezKlkqN2P_XBFDq7QgyrD1VAyZBa7MwcB2C48Pkuxe9ZMyW9r3i68j9TFtETK-_DWnf3O_Ae78JJJhgoSi95eJi6VYprhDj4Ja0BYcivH45iCZCHlDXRt_h6plY5UU1VVRUlQ4CQDZ/s1600/blogger-image-1820656326.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCpIezKlkqN2P_XBFDq7QgyrD1VAyZBa7MwcB2C48Pkuxe9ZMyW9r3i68j9TFtETK-_DWnf3O_Ae78JJJhgoSi95eJi6VYprhDj4Ja0BYcivH45iCZCHlDXRt_h6plY5UU1VVRUlQ4CQDZ/s320/blogger-image-1820656326.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<br />Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562281218287648674.post-8616998254662592372017-01-19T07:23:00.000-08:002017-01-19T07:23:06.094-08:00Coco meets Lea...My goodness<br />
<div>
It's only the early afternoon</div>
<div>
And it's already been an eventful day!</div>
<div>
Lea had an appointment with the vet first thing this morning </div>
<div>
It was pretty good news </div>
<div>
Lea isn't in pain</div>
<div>
And the meds seem to be working </div>
<div>
She recommended a food supplement </div>
<div>
And possible pet physiotherapist </div>
<div>
But I know swimming is good for it to</div>
<div>
So I'd rather do that with Lea</div>
<div>
The vet did say that Lea losing some weight would help joints </div>
<div>
It's always a blow to hear that </div>
<div>
As I don't want to be the reason my dog is struggling </div>
<div>
I don't think Lea gets fed a massive amount </div>
<div>
But when she is getting treats and tidbits from so many people </div>
<div>
It all adds up I guess</div>
<div>
So we just need to keep an eye on her </div>
<div>
And be mindful with food</div>
<div>
She is a trooper though </div>
<div>
She's a good girl </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
After a quick cuppa at home </div>
<div>
Myself, Mam and Lea headed off to meet Coco and his owner </div>
<div>
Honey elected to stay in her bed</div>
<div>
The drive over takes about 20 minutes </div>
<div>
Cocos owner lives at the edge of a lake </div>
<div>
And on a bright day like today </div>
<div>
It was just glorious </div>
<div>
We drove up the lane </div>
<div>
And found Coco, his owner and Ruby the three legged dog waiting for us </div>
<div>
We changed in to our wellies </div>
<div>
Which are a must </div>
<div>
Thanks wasn't sure how Lea was going to behave around Coco and Ruby</div>
<div>
Ruby was so full of beans </div>
<div>
And Coco seemed to be delighted to have so many visitors and playmates </div>
<div>
We headed in to the field </div>
<div>
Cocos owner has a bucket of feed for him</div>
<div>
And Coco danced around him as we walked over to a walled area of the field </div>
<div>
Lea was a gentle giant as ever </div>
<div>
I sat down </div>
<div>
And Coco tucked in to his feed</div>
<div>
When he was finished </div>
<div>
He came over to me </div>
<div>
And I had a juicy carrot for him</div>
<div>
Again</div>
<div>
He thoroughly investigated me </div>
<div>
My hair </div>
<div>
My hands </div>
<div>
My jacket </div>
<div>
My hood </div>
<div>
My hair was in a bun</div>
<div>
And at one point he had it in his mouth which was funny!</div>
<div>
But even though he is so big </div>
<div>
He is so gentle with it</div>
<div>
So there I was </div>
<div>
Sat in the middle of a field </div>
<div>
On a beautiful winters morning </div>
<div>
Lea on one side </div>
<div>
Coco on the other </div>
<div>
Pure bliss!</div>
<div>
I couldn't have been happier </div>
<div>
I shit you not </div>
<div>
Cocos owner and Ruby left us then</div>
<div>
And got the boat back to his house </div>
<div>
So myself and Mam decided to bring all the animals on a little walk </div>
<div>
We walked around the field </div>
<div>
Coco followed us </div>
<div>
He was so interested in Lea </div>
<div>
And kept trotting over to her </div>
<div>
Then a couple of times </div>
<div>
He broke into a canter which was just adorable </div>
<div>
I too lots of photos </div>
<div>
And a video </div>
<div>
Which I can seem to post </div>
<div>
I will try and figure it out</div>
<div>
Anyway </div>
<div>
It was a lovely way to spend a morning </div>
<div>
Coco is slowly but surely melting my heart</div>
<div>
I can see so much potential in him</div>
<div>
And it's obvious he loves company and attention</div>
<div>
As I type this </div>
<div>
I can get the scent of him on my hands </div>
<div>
It's such a lovely smell </div>
<div>
A real country and earthy smell </div>
<div>
I guess now that I live in the country </div>
<div>
I am a country girl</div>
<div>
I've probably always been at heart </div>
<div>
As I never felt comfortable in towns or cities </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It just goes to show </div>
<div>
That I made the right decision about my course </div>
<div>
I now know I did the right thing </div>
<div>
I guess I thought that if I gave up the course </div>
<div>
Then I gave up horses </div>
<div>
But that's not the case at all</div>
<div>
In fact </div>
<div>
I've been spending more time with horses now than I did when I was doing my course </div>
<div>
Monday I visited the white pony </div>
<div>
Tuesday I had a riding lesson</div>
<div>
Wednesday I had horse therapy </div>
<div>
And today I visited Coco</div>
<div>
I am happy out </div>
<div>
No stress </div>
<div>
No pressure </div>
<div>
Just a relaxed pace </div>
<div>
And I'm doing it on my terms </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
A reader left a comment on my last post that it's a shame I don't post anymore </div>
<div>
I know I don't post as much as I used to</div>
<div>
But I do still post at least once a week</div>
<div>
So please do check in as I am still writing </div>
<div>
I suppose I don't rely on my blog as much as I used to</div>
<div>
And I definitely don't read as many blogs as I used to</div>
<div>
But I really want to keep this blog going </div>
<div>
As it means so much to me</div>
<div>
It saved my life countless times</div>
<div>
As did my lovely readers </div>
<div>
You have been there over the last five years </div>
<div>
Five. Years!</div>
<div>
Has it really been that long?</div>
<div>
It has gone by so very quickly </div>
<div>
And I am so glad I have a written account of the last few years </div>
<div>
My journey from scared, suicidal, emaciates girl</div>
<div>
To healthy and happy woman </div>
<div>
It's been a hell of a ride so far </div>
<div>
And I'm excited to see what life has in store for me </div>
<div>
If nothing it will be interesting </div>
<div>
And that always keeps things fun</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Now that things are going well for me</div>
<div>
I desperately want to help others who are in a similar situation to what I was </div>
<div>
Whether they be eating disordered</div>
<div>
Drug addicted </div>
<div>
Addicted to anything really </div>
<div>
One thing I have learned over the last year </div>
<div>
Is that when you take away the drug</div>
<div>
Or the drink</div>
<div>
Or the restricting or purging </div>
<div>
A massive hole is left </div>
<div>
And something needs to fill it </div>
<div>
For me </div>
<div>
I took away the purging </div>
<div>
And I quickly filled the hole with shopping </div>
<div>
That was also utter madness </div>
<div>
And thankfully I have stopped the mindless spending </div>
<div>
But when I stopped </div>
<div>
Again there was a hole left </div>
<div>
And this time </div>
<div>
I have filled it with my love for animals </div>
<div>
This is a much healthier hobby/addiction</div>
<div>
One that's actually good for me </div>
<div>
So really I guess filling the hole can go either way </div>
<div>
You can fill it with something unhealthy and damaging </div>
<div>
Or you can fill it with good things and healthy things </div>
<div>
That's just my experience </div>
<div>
Ha ha</div>
<div>
I just realised I spent the last paragraph writing about filling your hole</div>
<div>
Lol!</div>
<div>
But you know what I mean</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Anyway </div>
<div>
I off to make a cuppa and relax for a while </div>
<div>
See you on the next post....</div>
Ruby Tuesdayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15078080281794429051noreply@blogger.com12