F.E.A.R

 I  saw my eating disorder therapist Mary this morning. She gets me to write a food diary so basically I keep a record of what I eat and drink, the time, the place, whether I binged or purged and what my thoughts were. It's actually quite helpful. Last week I purged an average of four times a day which isn't great. We went through what my triggers are for bingeing (not sure that's the correct spelling) and the main ones are - eating on my own, eating in  front of the t.v, eating binge food, boredom and leaving it too long between eating. I told her weeks ago that I'd get rid of my scale and I still haven't done. To be honest I've no intention of doing it. She weighed me and I'm down 1lb on her scale. I was secretly overjoyed but did not tell her this. So my homework this week is to plan my day so I don't get bored and get the urge to b/p. We'll see how that goes.

I thought I would share a little bit of my past seeing how I've not posted about it yet. My troubles really started when I finished school although there had been events leading up to this. I remember doing my final exams and I just couldn't wait for them to be over. I remember walking out my school gates for the last time and it was a huge anticlimax. The freedom I had now was overwhelming, I didn't know what to do next. I decided I wanted to go travelling (10 years later I still haven't gone) so I took the first job that came my way. It was around my 18th birthday that my then boyfriend introduced me to heroin. I became addicted very quickly and soon my whole life turned upside down. Then my parents split up so my mother and I rented a house together. Of course my appetite decreased but I had no inkling that I was developing an eating disorder. At age 19 I went into hospital to do a detox, by this time I was purging as well as restricting. I remember a nurse sitting me down and telling me I had anorexia. I was floored and I didn't believe her. Looking back I was so in denial. I was meant to go on to a treatment centre but they wouldn't take me as I was too weak physically. So I went home and relapsed on drugs and continued to starve. The next 10 years are a blur, like a dream I can't quite remember. I've been in drug treatment 3 times and eating disorder 3 times. I'm clean now but my eating disorder is still rampant.

Fear stops me from getting better. Take away my ed and I'm not sure what's left. Me I suppose. I don't like me very much so that's not good. I honestly don't know how I would cope without it. It's like a job. I put in the work ie restricting and exercising and expect a nice fat pay cheque at the end of the week ie weight loss. There would be a huge ed shaped hole in my life and I'm not sure how I'd fill it.

Is anyone out there successfully in recovery?

Much love,

 Ruby tuesdayxxx