In my skin

Good morning my dears,

I hope this post finds you happy and healthy.

It's another scorcher here today, we don't quite know what's hit us as we usually have pretty cold weather. Everyone is decked out in minimal clothing and sunburn. I like the idea of hot weather but when it's here I find it a bit much. God, I'm such a complainer, never bloody happy. Just enjoy it Ruby!

I walked my dogs on the beach which was beautiful even if I did feel like I was going to pass out. Also saw my doctor, a short and sweet visit, just the way I like it.

Last night being Sunday I didn't sleep at all. This is my own fault for not rationing my meds properly.  Today I would usually take the day off and sleep the day away in a drug induced slumber. But because of my killing the laptop last Monday my mother had a stern talk with me about taking my meds properly so I promised her I would take them as I am supposed to. I've kept my word, I don't want to worry her even more and I can't afford to kill another laptop. It feels good to do the right thing.

During the night I was thinking about the support group I used to go to and the friends I had, I miss them. But I can't seem to find the courage or the confidence to go back or even call one of them I've been in and out of this support group (narcotics anonymous) for the last 6 years and if I do go back I want to be 100% sure that I am committed to recovery and really give it a chance. I 'm not great at moving outside of my comfort zone and anything that causes me anxiety I usually run in the opposite direction. I'm quite shy until you get to know me and I am only truly myself around a handful of people. Around everyone else I wear a variety of masks and disguises .

This got me thinking back to times in my life when I was truly comfortable in my own skin and the times that jump out are the times I was in treatment. I've been in drug treatment 3 times and also eating disorder treatment  times. The ed treatment I was in was in a psychiatric hospital but it was not a typical hospital that has stark rooms, cold hallways and very ill people wandering around. This hospital was comfortable and quite plush. Everyone had their own room and bathroom and they were like little apartments. Needless to say it was ridiculously expensive and I was very fortunate that my parents had health insurance. Our ward was mixed so there were people with all kinds of conditions like depression, anxiety and bipolar. My first time there I was inpatient for four months although I was eventually discharged for not continuing to gain weight. There was something so refreshing about being around people whose problems, conditions, illness were out in the open. People spoke freely about  their illness, insecurities, fears and much more. I identified with these people so much and I truly felt comfortable in my own skin. I felt ok to be me warts and all. I could cry, vent, get angry, throw tantrums and no one judged me one bit. It was such an amazing feeling to be free to be me. Now there were some down sides to inpatient. I sometimes found myself in competition with other girls to be the thinnest or the sickest. I also learned a lot more about how to lose weight etc. I also had run ins with certain nurses but I will save those stories for another time. I met true friends in treatment, friends I am still in touch with. I suppose you go through so much together, you see each other at their lowest and then you see them blossom. It's strange to think that one of the only places I felt completely comfortable in my own skin was in a psychiatric hospital but it is true. Have any of you been in hospital or treatment? How did you find it? But treatment began to be counterproductive as I used it as an escape rather than a place to get well. I wouldn't rule it out if I got that bad again but I think outpatient can be just as helpful.

So that's my goal, to be comfortable in my own skin no matter where I am or who I'm with and no matter what size I am.

Oh yeah, I was in the chemist this morning collecting my meds and I was having a look around. I saw a lovely pair of purple pepe jeans sun glasses that would be perfect for my Italy trip. I have to confess that I almost popped them into my pocket. I used to shoplift regularly from this chemist, I have a bag of jewellry and make up that I neither want or need. I stopped when one day I was sure I had been seen and promised myself never again. I spent days worrying that I was going to get a visit form the guards. Shoplifting is an addiction for me too. I would never steal from another person but shops are hard to resist. I wouldn't get away with this in any other country but security seems to be lax here. I'm so glad now that I didn't take them as getting caught does not bear thinking about.

I'm fasting today and tomorrow, I just want to feel clean and empty so it's coffee and cigarettes for me.

I hope you all are well today and thanks for the comments on my last post,

Much love x