Too scared to weigh

Still haven't weighed. What a coward.

I'm finding that when I wake up  in the morning I'm dreading the day ahead. The last time I remember feeling this way was when I was addicted to drugs. I used to wake up feeling so depressed knowing what the day had in store. Actually there a lot of similarities between my drug addiction and my ed. I guess my ed picked up where my addiction left off.

I definitely have an addictive personality and I think I could possibly get addicted to anything - drugs, alcohol, prescription meds, food, television, exercise, laxatives..............

Sleep is a welcome release. I look forward going to bed at night to get a break from the committee in my head. I can escape to the land of dreams where anything is possible.

I'm feeling pretty lonely these days. I used to go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings and had a small but close circle of friends including two girls who also have eating disorders. But as I regressed further and further into my ed I pulled away from my friends. First I stopped going to meetings, then was only in contact by text but now there's no contact at all. My world has shrunk to just me and my ed. There's no room for anyone else.

I have two dogs and they're the only things keeping me sane. I have to get up to let them out. I have to walk them so that gets me out of the house. I'm responsible for them.

I'm trying to hang on. I've already b/p once today. I went food shopping with my mother. Sometimes I love food shopping, sometimes I hate it. Today I was hungry so I bought binge food and 7up free to help me purge. We'll see how the day pans out.

Much love,

Ruby tuesdayxxx