Mission Of Nutrition

I finally went shopping yesterday to pick up some clothes for Italy
As I've said before I would happily eat my own foot rather than go clothes shopping
And because they are summer clothes, that makes it all the more difficult
So I dragged my reluctant self in to town yesterday accompanied by my mother although she is not the best person to go shopping with as she says everything looks lovely no matter what I look like
To my delight and surprise I got it all done very quickly and painlessly
I picked up some lovely stuff so that gives my confidence a bit of a boost
I was dreading having to try the clothes on having gained a few pounds recently and I chose the clothes in a couple of different sizes
Thankfully I still fit neatly into the smallest size
This time last year I was almost a stone lighter
I was very curious looking
My face was aged and withered beyond my years and my body resembled that of a little boy
I looked very strange to say the least
Yesterday I noticed that my shape has changed and I'm slowly developing soft curves
Surprisingly I'm not as horrified as I thought I would be
My face, now slightly plumper, no longer looks hollow and gaunt
I wouldn't go as far as to say I like my new shape but it doesn't disgust me either
Although I wouldn't like to gain any more weight, I need to become comfortable with this new body first
I'm nervous to do this but I'm including 2 photos of me in one of my new dresses
It's a big deal for me to do this as I'm sure you can imagine
Anyway, here goes....

                                                                                     

Please excuse the bad quality, I'm no photographer!

My brother is over staying with us for a few days which is great as I get on really well with him

He is just back from a month long writers retreat in Spain

It was so hot there that he managed to sweat off a stone in weight

He is of slight build anyway so he is below 10 stone now

Even though it would never occur to me to worry about my own weight, I worry greatly when I hear others have lost a lot of weight

So I am on a Mission Of Nutrition

I am going to fatten him back up

Well maybe not fatten but help him to put back on some weight

Also I can eat vicariously through him

So I quizzed him on what food he most likes and set off to the supermarket

I bought lots of fresh veg and pasta to make a hearty homemade soup

Lots of fruit and a variety of nuts

And of course chocolate and biscuits for something a bit naughty

I have to admit I almost messed the whole thing up 

Having been shoplifting free for a month I relapsed today

I sneaked 3 packets of nuts in to my bag and paid for the rest of the items

I had no warning this would happen, it was by no means planned

It was completely impulsive

I am at a loss as to why I am doing this

It has nothing to do with money or not being able to afford the items

It's more about the adrenaline rush

I walked out of the shop and to my horror I heard an alarm go off

I began to walk faster but the alarm was getting louder and louder

My heart was thumping out of my chest and I was just waiting for a hand to grab my shoulder

I was too afraid to look back in case there really was somebody chasing me

I wanted to run but I didn't want to draw attention to myself so I walked as fast as my legs would carry me until I reached my car

Relief flooded through my body when I realised I was safe

But what if I had been caught?

The shame and embarrassment would have been overwhelming

Especially for stealing items that cost little more than 4 euro

I can't afford for this to happen again, I really can't

I managed to come through drug addiction without a criminal record, how stupid it would be to mess that up now

I remember them telling me in treatment that there is a link between eating disorders and shoplifting

I think it could be something to do with the shame of whatever your buying or the fear that someone will realise your going to binge and purge all this food

I would talk to Mary but I'm not seeing her until I come back from Italy

My luck will run out eventually

Any suggestions from you lovely ladies would be greatly appreciated

So I am going to spend today preparing and cooking for my brother

Is it wrong that I get immense pleasure from seeing others eat?

I'm also enjoying preparing food

There is something comforting about the rhythm and repetition of chopping vegetables

I was making weight watchers 0 point soup for myself but I've altered it to make it more calorie dense for my brother by adding oil and ribbon pasta

No doubt he will have no trouble gaining weight in Italy

Also having had 2 weeks purge free, the binge/purge monster is back in my life

I don't have the energy or inclination to do anything about it at the moment

Everything including recovery is on hold until I come back from Italy

I tried on my dress for the wedding last night expecting it to be tighter, maybe even uncomfortable

To my surprise it is too big but it's also too late to do anything about it now

I guess it's better to be too big than be too small

One week to go, the countdown is on

All my love x