My family are gone away for the week so I have the house to myself
I'm enjoying the solitude although it is perfect conditions for my eating disorder to thrive
I can restrict to my hearts content
I am still in a dark place but thoughts of suicide are not foremost in my mind
They are just fleeting thoughts
I'm so glad to have some time to myself, I love my mother but now that she is on holidays from work we are living in each others pockets
Also I don't like her seeing me like this
I feel like I am holding on with my finger tips
I feel like any moment I could fall in to a black hole, never to be found again
And the worst part is I feel I should be in a better place
I'm nearly 2 weeks binge/purge free, I'm off the dreaded olanzapine
I should be feeling good but I don't
I went to the doctor yesterday but it wasn't my usual doctor so I had to take the olanzapine prescription as he can't make any changes to my meds
I took 3 yesterday and slept for most of the day
Now I feel so guilty
This illness has been with me for 11 years now
I lost all of my twenties to addiction and eating disorders
Do I really want to lose the next 10 years?
The answer is definitely no but I also can't imagine the next 10 years without it
Most people my age are settled in their jobs, are in relationships and are planning marriage or to have children
I would love to go to college but I just can't see it happening
My fear of failure is so strong that it stops me from even considering doing alot of things
Fear of failure
Fear of not being good enough
Fear of letting others and myself down
Fear of not being liked
Fear of anything outside of this eating disorder bubble
I would not have held on my eating disorder for so long if it did not serve a purpose and it does
It keeps me numb to any feeling
It shields me from life
I stay in this childlike state where I have no responsibilities
I don't have to engage in life so therefore I don't get hurt
But it's coming to the point where the bad outweighs the good
It was the same with drugs
The negative consequences started to out weigh the good
It was too much effort for too little payoff
But the fear I feel is paralysing
It's keeping me stuck as if I were encased in cement
Other factors come in to play now though
My parents are in their sixties and are not getting any younger
What do I do when they die
They support me in every was to the point that I would be lost without them
My siblings can't be expected to pick up the slack
Then I would either sink lower in to my eating disorder or get well without their support
Neither option is appealing
Now would be the ideal time to attempt recovery as I would have their support
I've lost so much to this illness already. do I really want to lose anything else?
Inpatient has crossed my mind
I have one more chance to go the place I was before
And that's what's stopping me from calling them
I only have one shot there so I want to be sure I'm going to use it wisely
The last time I rang them them it took me a year to muster up the courage
But the addict in me wants to get to an all time low weight, lower than I've ever been
Maybe then I'll be satisfied and will be ready to get well
I know that's bullshit though as the number is never low enough
Something needs to shift though
The wedding in Italy is a little over 2 weeks away
The closer it gets the more anxious I feel
There will be lots if family lunches and dinners and that terrifies me
Do I eat and purge or carry on restricting?
I love Italian food and I'm afraid I'll lose all control and become the incredible binging monster
I've even been stressing over who will be sitting at our table at the wedding
Will they notice my bizarre eating habits
I should be looking forward to this holiday, it's the trip of a lifetime
I've considered not going at all but I've paid for it and I want to be there to see my cousin get married
It would be taking the easy option not to go
A lot of the time I find that thinking about something is worse than the event itself so I'm hoping that will be the case here
With all that said I wanted to ask you 2 questions
If you were me would you consider inpatient?
And also how do you manage food on holidays?
I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions
Thanks for reading and as always much love x
Hey, I am glad that you have time and space to yourself to think.. sometimes family become suffocating even though you love them.. I hope you feel better, but I know that feeling all too well.. The feeling of just wanting escape.. I wish I could do it too.. If I was you I would do what it took to feel better, this will be the death of you Ruby.. I dread to think what will happen to you when your parents go.. as sad as that is to think about it is the harsh reality of the situation.. Will any all time low be low enough??
ReplyDeleteAnd to answer your other question, for the 1st day I feign severe jet lag.. and then I play up stomach ache or constipation, or anything to get out of eating too much. I will only eat in front of people too.. so at meal times with EVERYONE when I have to.. otherwise I pretend I am not hungry etc.. or pretend I have no appetite.. I hope you dont have to do any of these things, but sometimes people understand that you cant eat in front of them.. <3 I hope things work out and when you get to Italy you will be having such a lovely time that all these worries will dissipate <3 I love you Ruby darling any time please dont hesitate to call on me.. xx
Thank you Rayya so much for your kind words
DeleteHopefully Italy won't be as bad as I think it will be
My family all know about my problem so they will be understanding
I love you too x
isnt it crazy how we know what the problem is. We can talk about it but are helpless to do anything about it. Congrats on being B/P free that is amazing!!! I feel like I have lost a lot of my life to all my issues and it is not fair. I look at my friends that have lead a pretty "normal" life and are so jealous of them!! I cant answer you impatient question I mean yes we all need help but who am i to say how much help you need. Food on holiday actually I have only taken on vacation it was last spring with the hubby and we went to vegas so did much more drinking than eating so I have no help for you there either. Have a good day and talk to ya later.
ReplyDeleteThank you Linny x
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteit used to be ok,whe i was with lovely people. due to the fact that there were no scales and i could never triust the toilets i was restricting easily on holiday. these days i just enjoy the food.not working out still makes me a little nervous even today when i am on holiday.
ReplyDeleteas for inpatient..it is a reality of its own with its very own dangers and demands and structures. whatever is achieved there has to be fortified and maintained in reality. but i guess its no escape. i so wish for you to get better. and you will. but we will always have to cope with reality one way or another.but do not forget- it can be beautiful. even more beautiful than anything ED has to offer.
xo
Thank you Loulou
DeleteHope you're well x
i am sry ruby. i was not well at all.
Deletex
Yeah, I'm in the feign jet lag/ illness and eat when necessary camp... That's what I'm doing. Binges are more tricky though. It's not as simple as leaving it at home sadly.
ReplyDeleteGood luck anyway! X
Thanks Aggy,
DeleteHope your trip is going well x
I would consider impatient. The only reason why I say that is because without your parents you would be kind of lost. It would be different if your siblings supported you but from the sound of things they don't( makes a little sad )
ReplyDeleteSadly I have no advice on how to handle food during the holidays. That is when I tend to mess up and my eating is out of control for days on end. Most of the time hubby and I do the cooking so we have all that good food just laying around.
I don't blame you for sleeping all day. Sometimes that is nice and a very much needed thing. I layed down today and didn't even go to sleep but I didn't care. I wanted to sleep but couldn't.
I hope you feel better soon. It was so nice to hear from you Ruby.
Thanks Winter x
Delete2 weeks b/p free is an incredible accomplishment, Ruby! Please don't sell yourself short. Honestly, the first few weeks...heck, the first few months of recovery are hard. More often than not, it feels wrong and you're going to feel guilty. I hate saying that to people starting off in recovery because I worry it will scare them off from sticking to it...but the longer you stick to it, the better it becomes. One day you're going to have a small moment where you realize that you're starting to feel free. That the urge to b/p or restrict isn't the strongest thing weighing on your mind and you find yourself smiling a GENUINE smile. It gets better. I know you've heard that a million times, but it's true. I'm at a point in my recovery where I can honestly say that I would never fully go back to my ED. I have slip ups, I'll admit it. I'm only a year and a half into recovery--it's expected and completely normal. The thing is though, when I slip now, I don't stay down. I get back up. Sometimes it takes a month or more, and other times it only takes one day. You start to realize that giving in doesn't give you the same satisfaction. You start to think, "Why am I doing this? What does it actually do for me?" (the answer is absolutely nothing). 11 years stolen from you is 11 years too long. You deserve to enjoy the next 10 years of your life ED free. You deserve to enjoy every single year of your life ED free!!
ReplyDeleteIf I were you, I would most definitely consider inpatient. I can tell from this post that you're in a lot of pain. And although your ED may convince you otherwise, I can tell you want to be free from it. I sense your drive and passion to get better. You might not see it, but I do. Please consider it. I'll be honest and tell you that I don't think recovery is possible without extra help. Well, not that it's not possible, but that the success rate isn't as high. I went to Renfrew's Day Treatment program before moving down to their IOP program. I'm currently seeing a therapist and a nutritionist and I love them both. I would not be where I am now without them. You don't need to be deathly sick looking to get help. An eating disorder is serious and lethal regardless of weight. Weight is NOT an indicator of how sick you are. You do not need to lose more weight to feel deserving of help. I promise.
As for dealing with holidays-I give myself permission to play it safe. If I'm feeling extra stressed, I stick to things I know I feel comfortable with. If I'm feeling daring, I might challenge myself...but I didn't feel safe enough to do that until recently. Do what's best for you WITHOUT having to use your eating disorder. I know that sounds impossible, but I hope you can <3
Thank you so much for this comment
DeleteI really needed the perspective of someone who has gone through this and your kind words mean so much
I'm so glad to read that you are in recovery and doing well
That gives me hope x
*hugs you tightly*
ReplyDeleteWhat is it you normally use b/ping to deal with that's making you feel like shit? I know I overeat and numb my feelings with food so when I start restricting all the badfeels come back and I tumble down into darkness if I can't dance or draw them out.
We can't see life without these things because they're all we've ever known and nobody has shown us how it can be otherwise when we try to leave them behind. Who am I without the depression? I don't know. We can find out though. This is what life will be like with it, what could there be instead? Scary scary unexplored territory. Columbus thought he'd sail off the side of the world. Captain Cook thought blowing a conch shell was a peaceful declaration. The unknown is terrifying and makes us want the comfortable familiar, but what is comfortable and familiar is killing us. Shall we take a risk on exploration and life?
I understand being so afraid of fucking up (especially in front of people) that I never try anything. It's annoying and paralysing and I wish I could zap it out of your brain so you could rock on and be the BAMF you are. What gives me courage sometimes is to remind myself that nobody watching could possibly hate me more than I hate myself, so their opinions really don't matter at all.
Lol, I'm one of the examples of being adult with minimal responsibility. No kids or plans for them, entry-level semi-skilled job in a supermarket that pays well enough to pay back my student loan. Uni Tip: Don't go to University unless you know what you want to to, and don't be afraid to change degrees if it turns out you absolutely detest your course of study ;)
On holidays I stick to things I already know, or pick a "normal" person and try to copy them. (Copy with variance or tract several people so they don't notice it as much)
If you're ready to give ED the boot for good and take on the challenge of life I'd say GO FOR IT. That lowest weight thing is the disorder trying to kill you. You know and it knows you'll never be low enough, and many many many people have demonstrated that weight is NOT an indicator of how sick you are. When you're at a low enough weight your brain does NOT function properly and you would be incapable of taking advantage of the help they would force on you. (Coz when you're at that point all you want to do is be left alone to die with the disorder)
Please look after yourself. You're a badass who shouldn't have to take orders from a disorder any more *hugs*
Thank you so much Peri!
DeleteYou've hit the nail on the head, it is fear of the unknown that keeps me stuck in this place.
On the one hand it is terrifying but on the other I can see how it could be exciting finding out who I am and what I'm all about.
Hope you are well Peri and take care of you too x
2 weeks b/p free is such an accomplishment and victory Ruby. Use this as a sign of your own strength - change is possible.
ReplyDeleteRecovery is painful, it is a process of both loss and gain. Often we feel that we loose more than what we win, and the only thing we actually feel we gain is weight. That is only because it takes time for our mind to break free, to no longer be blinded by ED.
Recovery is to create LIFE. To restore your body and to discover who you are, open up your eyes to the beauty within you.
I believe you got what it takes to heal, but you will need a lot of support and people who believe in you. That was crucial for me. I did not believe in myself and was close to giving up, so I needed for other to be there and refuse to give up on me. And slowly, slowly I started to believe in myself and trust the recovery process.
IP is no magical solution that makes all problems disappears, but what it does is giving you a safer environment to face your demons. You'll be surrounded by people who care about you and focus on empowering the precious individual that lies underneath the ED. They can help you to find ways to handle thoughts and emotions, to find the courage to disobey those urges that can be so incredibly strong.
I can feel a desire to live in your words Ruby. A hope for a better life, free from all this. What you need is for someone to be by your side as you fight to nourish the desire to live. Remember: You will die before you're thin enough to anorexia. Do not let the illness take away your life.
With love,
Hedda.
Thank you so much Hedda for your kind and insightful words.
DeleteNow would be an ideal time for me to take a leap of faith.
My family is very supportive and I have a great therapist.
With their help maybe I can do this.
Having thought about it I'm reluctant to try inpatient again but I won't rule it out completely.
I do have a desire to live, a sliver of hope
Love to you x