Trolls, Haters, Bullies

Has anyone else been following the Charlotte Dawson story?
Many of you will know Charlotte as the presenter of 'Australia's Next Top Model'
I don't watch this show and I don't know much about Charlotte but this story really shocked me
She has been the victim of a vicious hate campaign on Twitter which culminated with her attempting suicide on Wednesday
Just before posting this I checked out Charlotte's Twitter and I was gobsmacked by what I read
Literally hundreds, probably thousands of tweets such as 'Do the world a favour and just hang yourself'
'Go put your face in a toaster'
'Hang yourself in front of your friends and watch as they don't care'

Charlotte replied to many of the disgusting tweets and tried admirably to defend herself but it obviously got too much for her and she left a disturbing tweet on Wednesday night simply saying 'You win x'

I am happy to report that after a few days in hospital Charlotte is fine and gave an interview telling her side of the story

Having only been writing this blog for a couple of months, I thankfully have not experienced any hate but I know other bloggers who have
It baffles me why someone would take the time to actively hate on someone else, to write hurtful comments, to stalk and to try and make someone elses life  a misery
These people have far too much time on their hands
And how strange to have the balls to write these comments but be so cowardly they have to do it anonymously

A troll is just another name for a bully and I've met my fair share of those in my time
Apart from my father who bullied each of his children mercilessly, I have been dealing with different versions of the same bully my entire life
My first encounter was as a young child when a boy in my class took it upon himself to try and torment my every waking moment
His favourite taunt was to call me a slut
Bear in mind I was little more than 10 years old and barely knew the meaning of the word
I can still remember crying at night, dreading the next day in school
It didn't occur to me to tell anyone, I was shy and timid
Every night I would cry myself to sleep knowing what was in store the next day
Everyday was a fresh hell
Tellingly the same boy tried to get me to go out with him a couple of years later
I met this boy about 10 years later in a night club
He tried to talk to me and I took great pleasure in giving him an up and down look and walking off
He'll never know how he made my life a living nightmare

My next encounter with bullies was in secondary school
My mother was teaching at another secondary school, a school that had a rough reputation
Everyday walking home from school I crossed paths with a group of girls
Again it wasn't too serious, they called me names and pushed me around
I suppose I was a target because I was a teachers child
I never tried to stand up for myself, I was too afraid, I never knew what these girls were going to do next

As a child it's so confusing to be a target of bullies
You haven't done anything wrong
You haven't provoked this behaviour
So why again and again are we a target
I made up my mind very quickly that there must be something wrong with me
I must be a bad person
I must be weak
I must have done something to deserve this
Why else would I warrant this behaviour
This fed in to my already low self esteem and so started a long career of self hatred
After my second experience of bullying I decided to change my own behaviour
I went from being mild and meek to brash and abrasive in an attempt to avoid bullies
I was loud and obnoxious to try and protect myself
It worked for a while but I couldn't keep up the pretence forever
My natural personality is more quiet than loud and so trying to be this other person was exhausting

In my adult life I have also been bullied
While I was addicted to heroin, my boyfriend at the time and I stayed with his uncle on and off
His uncle was paralysed and in a wheel chair and depended on my boyfriend and I
He used to take pleasure in making lewd comments about me and to me
He withheld  drugs when he knew I was sick
Again I put up with this disgusting behaviour as I had no where else to go and was afraid he'd kick me out

My last experience with bullies was in the work place
It was a few years ago and was my first job after getting clean off drugs
I was (and still am) on a methadone programme and was eager to make a new life
I got a job as a receptionist in a hotel in my town
I was keen to make a good impression and was determined to put my old life behind me
I started work along with another new girl
The girl who was training us in took an instant dislike to me and didn't try to hide it
She was super nice to the other girl while barely acknowledging me
At first I thought I was imagining it
But as time went on I couldn't deny her hostility
She would make jokes and sneer and was generally nasty to me
Being on a methadone programme I used to collect my methadone at the chemist before work and always left the bottle in my bag
One day I went to my bag for something and saw that it had been moved and it looked like someone had been through it
I thought no more about it until the next day when I received a voice mail telling me that my services were no longer needed at the hotel
I was never given an explanation as to why I was let go but I suspect that this girl saw the methadone bottle in my bag and told the management
This shook my confidence to no end and it was a long time before I applied for any more jobs

I was also bullied by a nurse when I was in hospital
But again I played down how much it hurt me and didn't tell the programme director how much it had affected me
I ended up leaving hospital because I couldn't get my head around what this nurse had done
She was in a position of authority and she abused it
I blamed myself as she was nice to everyone else
She is also the reason I have avoided treatment since
This had been one of the hardest to comes to terms with as I was in a very vulnerable place and this so called nurse knew that
She was younger than me and very immature but this does not excuse her behaviour
It was supposed to be a safe place where I could get well but she saw to it that it wasn't
She took over the programme for a week while the other person was on holiday and it was then that I chose to walk
How could I be honest and open up to someone who I knew would just take the piss after the group was over
I've since told my mother how much this truly affected me and I probably should have made more of a fuss at the time but standing up to bullies is not easy especially if you are are already vulnerable
There was also another nurse who was a borderline bully

I often asked myself why?
Why me?
What was I doing that people felt the need to bully me and hate me
You can't get any more personal than to be bullied just for being you
I'm sure Charlotte Dawson asked herself the same question
Bulling, trolling, abusing, call it what you will, does untold damage
If you are like me you probably remember the negative things people have said about you rather than the positives
The names I have been called have been etched in my mind forever
Bullies often target people who are different in some way and then we begin to believe that being different is wrong
As a result of bullying I tried so hard to fit in, to be liked, to be accepted
I repressed any desire to break free and be myself and tried to like everyone else
I remember being a teenager and wanting to dress a certain way
But because I was afraid to be different I went with the crowd and blended in
Now as an adult I see things very differently
Now I can see that it is our differences that make us interesting
Who wants to be a clone of someone else?
I sure don't
It is our quirks and foibles that make us who we are
That make our friends and families love us all the more
As an adult I have embraced different
I dress the way I want
I wear my hair the way I want
I don't give a second thought as to whether someone else will like it or not

So why do bullies and haters feel the need to spread hate?
To be honest I'm not quite sure of the answer to this one
I do however believe that people are the way they are for a reason
Maybe they are insecure
Maybe they have to put someone else down to make themselves feel good
Maybe they are jealous
Maybe they are just nasty people
Who knows?
I feel sorry for them

The internet has spawned a new breed of bullies
The so called trolls
Now they have the added advantage of being able to hate anonymously
Faceless, they can say what they want to who they want
They hide in their bedrooms, behind computer screens and abuse, hate and bully
I'm all for free speech but there is a line and some people just don't know when to stop

The trolls that victimized Charlotte Dawson almost got what they wanted
I hope they think twice before they decide to send death threat to anyone else

I was wondering if any of you have been the victim of a bully, troll or stalker on line
How has it affected you?