Hooked!

I've been meaning to write this post ever since I came back from Australia but kept putting it off
I was a bit concerned about what certain people might think but I think I'll write about it anyway

I brought 33 days worth of methadone to Oz with me, which was just over a litre
Plus my other meds
I was managing fine
Taking the right dose everyday
On the second week I threw out all my anti depressants
I'm not sure why but it seemed like a good idea at the time
I had brought a measure to measure out my methadone but wasn't using it
I was basically eye balling how much I took
I also spilled some one day
So I got to my last week and the bottle looked decidedly empty
I measured it and to my horror realised that I only had 3 days left
Cue panic
I had 7 days including a 24 hour flight to get through
I could have spared it out
Stretched it as much as I could
But I just couldn't take the risk of going in to withdrawal on an international flight



So I did what any addict would do and decided to hunt down some methadone
I thought about trying to buy it on the street but that was too big a risk
Doing it the legit way made more sense
I made an appointment for that morning with the local doctor
This was a risk too as some doctors will just not entertain addicts
I sat in the waiting room with my mother reading trashy magazines
Then I was called in
It was a female doctor which I was glad about as sometimes they are more sympathetic
I told her about my predicament and thankfully I had a doctors letter to confirm that I was on methadone in Ireland
She listened carefully and took down my details
She explained that she could not prescribe methadone but she would ring some clinics to see if they could help
I watched as she rang clinic after clinic
My hopes were almost dashed when a private clinic agreed to see me
The doctor wrote me a detailed letter to give at the clinic and wished me good luck
The appointment was made for 7 30am the next morning
I still had no guarantee that I would get methadone but it was worth a shot




Early the next morning my mother and I set off for the clinic armed with a map and my doctors letters
I was hoping that it would all go smoothly but I was prepared for disappointment
On the bus 2 women got on
I knew by looking at them that they were probably heading for the clinic too
We found it easily and went in
The girl behind the counter said 'Oh your from Ireland, we've been expecting you'
My mother waited downstairs while I went up to the waiting room to see the doctor
The receptionist up there said 'Ireland?' before I even opened my mouth
I took a seat preparing for a long wait
Methadone clinics are not the nicest of places to be
People are antsy, anxious and sometimes desperate
It can be an intimidating place
I had no sooner sat down when one of the other people waiting started to kick off
He was waiting to see the doctor and needed to be at work
He verbally abused the receptionist
A petite little woman about half his size
She dealt with it well though and didn't seem phased
The receptionist seemed interested in me and kept asking me questions
Before I knew it I was the topic of conversation in the waiting room
Why was I there?
Where was I from?
What drugs did I take?
And so on and so on
The receptionist let everyone go in front of me who had to be at work and so after an hour I was finally called in to Dr. Browne's office
To my surprise he was Irish
What a stroke of luck
He looked at my address and said 'My brother won a swimming gala there once'
He took my details and told me to come back in an hour
He didn't even take a urine test
So  my mother and I went to a cafe to wait
She told me about the people she had met in the clinic
One girl explained in graphic detail how her brother was tortured to death
Like I said, methadone clinics are not the most pleasant places to be



We had tea and toast and discussed all the characters we had met
I felt very guilty for dragging my mother through this
It was the last few days of our holiday and we should have been making the most of it
Instead here we were in a seedy methadone clinic
She said she didn't mind
Unfortunately she is used to such things

We made our way back to the clinic
Again we had to wait until the doctor was ready and after about 20 mins we were called upstairs
'Good news' he said
'I rang the department of health and we can prescribe for you'
Relief flooded through my body
He handed the precious script and I brought it to the girls downstairs
Yet again I had to wait
This is the thing with drugs including methadone
In active addiction I spent most of my time wating
Waiting for dealer who were in no hurry at all to come and meet you
If they said they'd be 20mins, you could bet your life they would be over an hour
Same with methadone
You wait for the doctor
You wait for the script
You wait for it to be dispensed
And because you need these drugs, waiting is like torture
I know it's because these drugs are so tightly controlled but that doesn't make it any easier
They agreed to prescribe me 3 days
I would collect one dose today
And then come back the next day for the other 2
It was a private clinic which meant I had to pay
8 dollars a dose plus 30 dollars to see the doctor
But I was willing to pay anything
I watched as the girl pumped the methadone in to a little cup
I was surprised to see it was a different colour
Where as at home it is bright green, here it was a pale orange colour
I downed it in one and it was vile
I struggled not to throw up
I think the difference was that here it was sugar free, where as at home it is filled with sugar
It didn't matter though
What mattered was that I wouldn't be sick
Thank God I wouldn't be sick



Afterwards I thought about how scary it is to be so dependant on methadone
I have to have it every single day or else I will go in to withdrawal
And that is not something I want to experience
It is physical and mental torture
It feels like your body is trying to turn inside out
I guess this has taught me a lesson
Never take chances with it
Measure it properly
Bring extra if I I think I will need it
And the thing is that nothing else will do
If you are sick the only thing that will make you feel better is methadone or opiates
Not valium
Not benzos
Not sleeping tablets
Nothing
I've been on methadone for almost 9 years now
Ideally a person is not supposed to be on it this long
It is meant to be a stepping stone between using and getting clean
But all too often we are left on it indefinitely
I have made some progress though
Over the years I have worked my way down from 70mls to 30mls
No mean feat
This year I hope to decrease more
Although the thought of that is scary
It's a lot like thinking about life without my eating disorder
I want to get clean like I want to live without anorexia/bulimia
But I'm worried that I won't cope without it
I'm worried that I will go back to heroin
So even though life is quite difficult with it, it's easier than living without it
It's a crutch
Something that helps me get through the day
The first thing I do every morning is take my methadone
And as well as being physically addicted, I'm also psychologically addicted
If I missed a day I probably wouldn't miss it but mentally I would crave it
Once an addict always an addict



Is there anything you can't live without?