Bless her, she is trying so very hard to help me
I go to see her week in week out having made precious little progress
I've been seeing her for over a year now and the only thing that's changed is my weight
My eating, my frame of mind and my behaviours are still so disordered
I have great intentions when I am with her
Every week I vow to make a better effort
To try harder
But the minute I walk outside her office all my motivation evaporates
Carried away with the wind
This week she asks me how I would feel about weighing myself at home instead of her weighing me
The thought of this strikes fear in to my heart but I said I would try
So I spent all weekend trying to psych myself up to do it
The thought of weighing myself makes my heart flutter with anxiety
You would think after all these years of being weighed by the professionals that it would get easier
But if anything it gets harder
Those little numbers have so much power over me
The number goes down and I sky rocket in to euphoria
The number goes up and I spiral down in to a black hole of depression
They dictate my mood, my self esteem and my self worth
I hate that
I finally mustered up the courage to weigh on Saturday night
I had a safe number in my head
Anything above that I just couldn't handle
I removed my clothes shivering as the cold air hit my skin
Carefully I stepped on to the scale and held my breath
I peeped out from behind my hands
The number was lower than I thought
Thank freakin' Christ
You've probably noticed that I don't reveal my weight here
I used to when I first started blogging but I stopped
I'm not sure why
Maybe I don't want to be defined by a number
Maybe I'm ashamed of the number
Maybe I don't want to write the number down because then that would make it real
I've been thinking a lot this week about how my eating disorder started
Even though I only became aware of it when I was 19, when I look back I can see that it really started when I was a child
As a child I loved my food
Really loved it
And it wasn't junk food I loved, it was proper food like meat and veg and potatoes
I remember people used to say to me 'Ruby you have such a great appetite, you're such a good eater'
I hated hearing this
It made me feel greedy
I wanted to be a petite, delicate eater
Recently I found a card that I made for my parents when I was about 7 or 8
It said 'Dear mam and dad, thank you for all the lovely dinners you make me, love from Ruby'
I kid you not
As a young teenager I was very active
I was in the local swimming club and also did ballet and jazz
I remember being in ballet class and scrutinizing my body in the mirror
At one point my ballet teacher expressed concern that I was losing too much weight
I was secretly delighted
At 16 I gave up swimming and dancing and started to rebel
I began to dabble in drugs and at 18 became addicted to heroin
Heroin made me really sick and so to make myself feel better I started to make myself throw up
Eureka!
I thought I had found a loophole
A way to eat and not put on weight
It became my new addiction
I lost a lot of weight very quickly while on drugs
But that was to be expected
I remember looking forward to not eating
I used to stay in my boyfriends house while using and then go home to my mothers house for a couple of days to re charge my batteries for another round
There was never any food in my boyfriends house
Every precious penny went on drugs
Drug addicts are skinny for a reason
Food just isn't a priority when you're strung out
If I was down to my last 10 euros you could bet your life that I would spend it on drugs rather than food
When I went home the presses were always full of food
I felt so hungry but so overwhelmed at the prospect of all this food
I didn't know where to start
I was so hungry that I binged
And then the feelings of guilt and greed would kick in
I felt desperately ashamed of the food I had just eaten
I was a glutton
I thought about the other addicts out in my boyfriends house
They had no food and I did
That felt so wrong
I took on the responsibility of feeding these people and used to bring bags of food out to the house
I began to associate food with guilt and shame
I couldn't eat and enjoy food the way I used to
Ever since then my relationship with food has been completely disordered
It ceased to become fuel and became either a reward or a punishment
I long to be feel free to eat what I want without consequence
Will that day ever come?
I hope so
I truly hope so
When did your problems with food begin?
after i quit ice skating, i didnt exercise and resorted to eating to help my depression that came from my dad alcoholism and the general deterioration of my family. after that, i couldnt stop thinking about it. ive had periods where i dont think about my weight as much, but its always there in the back of my head and comes back with a raging panic whenever i realize ive gotten too big again.
ReplyDeleteone day, we wont think about it. one day, until then, best of luck, dear. smile today.
stay lovely. <3
I felt the same after giving up ballet
DeleteI was so worried that I'd get fat
The ironic thing is I've never been fat in my life but that doesn't stop me feeling fat
I hope we get there Sofia
I truly do x
I remember taking a plate of food up to my room when I was maybe 13 and just thinking, "I don't bloody want this" and throwing it in a bag under my bed to get rid of later (never ate with parents, always in room) and then I just started faking breakfast and throwing away dinner, I'd eat lunch but that got smaller, I'd hollow out a roll and somehow out it inside the yogurt out without anyone noticing, therefore eating half a yogurt and the crusts of a roll at lunch. That was before the summer holiday, then it got trickier, but I avoided it and lost weight until the purging started, ugh, the bloody purging.
ReplyDeleteMary knows it is hard to make changes and she no doubt doesn't mind seeing you despite you finding it hard. I bet a lot of people get worse when they see her, like you did for a while I imagine, and yet she won't stop seeing you, not as long as you need and want her help, so try not let that make you feel guilty or anything.
Love you little star xxxx
It's funny how we remember crystal clear how our food issues began
DeleteI remember every comment anyone ever made to me about my weight too
Mary says to me that if I didn't want to get well then I wouldn't keep going back to see her every week
I guess she has a point there
Eating disorders are notoriously hard to treat so I'm sure she takes that in to account
Love you too x
I am so glad you have co,s to terms with and tried to acknowledge the reason why you stopped eating. Maybe in time things will get better x
ReplyDeleteLove you loads xx
Rayya I'm so glad to hear from you
DeleteI hope you are ok?
Please let me know
Love you too sweetheart x
When I was a kid I had a hollow leg for food. I ate everything, loved it, learned to cook, never gained an ounce. When I was 8 though, someone said I weighed a bit heavy for my height and age...I then weighed myself more often, not really understanding proper weight averages and all. When puberty hit my metabolism hit a brick wall and I gained about 10-15 pounds then my other friends at that time, everyone was still boney and slim and I was getting soft. I remember I started counting calories when I started self-harming, just adding on to my mountain of stupid problems of teenagerdom. I always knew about it, but never actually considered the idea of an eating disorder until 16. I sort of just fell down the rabbit hole.
ReplyDeleteWow, sorry, that was like a therapy session lol. Well, you asked...
I hope everything is okay hon, love you!
I can relate to that
ReplyDeleteMy eating disorder was around long before I became aware of it
I was in denial for a long time
I just didn't want to believe that as well as a drug addiction, I also had food issues
But now I think they are just different manifestations of the same addiction
I am ok sweetie or at least I will be
Love you too x
I really love your writing... I came here everyday...
ReplyDeleteAs for me, i always a chubby as a kid. My mom was a great chef.
Primary school was okay even i got teased everyday....
Secondary school was amazing cos i went to girl school... Nobody
Really care or tease me...
When i went to university at 18, i started to watch what im eating...
I will only ate once a day... Until im skinny... But then i gain...
To think back, i alwayz have problem since that....
Thank you Jane
DeleteIt seems all our issues stem from childhood
I know mine definitely did
I hope you manage to overcome yours x
My problems with food probably began around the time that I was 8. I saw how my lifestyle was different from everyone else, and how I kept gaining weight, before I even hit puberty. Then when the comments would start about how much weight I gained, or how much I should exercise, or that I eat too much.. Well that's when I started rebelling. Most of the comments came from my dad, until about 8th grade. Then they came from other people, and I cut down. My body quickly got used to eating once a day, and then when my ED hit it's top point, (now) It's so hard for me to lose weight because my body is used to not being fed.
ReplyDeleteNow, every day is a struggle.
I read your blog all the time, ever post. But I don't comment very often, and I apologize for that. I'll try to comment more.
No need to apologise at all, I'm just glad you read it x
DeleteIt must be so hard to look back on all these memories and really think about where things went wrong. I'm impressed that you were able to pinpoint an exact reason. I can't for me. Maybe a motley collection of "I had low self-esteem" and "people teased me" and things like that.
ReplyDeleteI understand about motivation evaporating. It seems to do that whenever someone isn't right on our heels telling us to do better. Maybe leaving notes around places you go would help?
It is hard Emily but I think we need to examine our past in order to understand our illness
DeleteThat's a great idea and I do have little notes printed out so I think I will put them up x
I would say indirectly my sexual abuse. It wasn't because I was trying to avoid unwanted attention though, I don't think. Because my abuser was about my age and was nearly my brother there were so many conflicting dynamics going on. It was a slow and deliberate loss of control and conditioned as I grew up. Several of the key people in my life were overweight. My mom used to be and she had emotional abuse from my dad and depression and so I would remember after a bad fight or depressed day she would make potatoes with cheese. I was the quirky odd ball. My mom taught me constantly ask questions and be inquisitive so adults found me mouthy. (I was quite often haha) I felt fat when I was about 8 and I think I always hated my body. A lot of us were chunky little kids and as we got older we began losing that baby fat. I feel like I was the late bloomer. When my friend felt concerned she told my mom I was being abused. Suddenly there was a spotlight on me and my mom felt a lot of guilt and depression over mr bring hurt right under her. I feel absolutely no anger towards her though. I was just smothered with caring and her and dad were getting bad so I started not eating. I didn't know that's what it was when I was 14. Dieting. That's what it was. I went to such a small school that I just wanted to fit in because I didn't fit the mold. I was academic. I was fantastic at music and drama and speech. I won a lot of awards in 4-h. I just wasn't good at sports... I was even valedictorian of my graduating class. High achiever. Needed to be perfect and I remember when asked what my biggest fear was when I was a teenager I said failure. No one else had that fear but me. Sorry this is so long! The psychology of things and reflection fascinates me. :)
ReplyDeleteSo with all that, I'll say a combo of sexual abuse/parent marital troubles/unaccepting environment. I had to keep the outside smooth when my underside was turmoil. I relapsed for the same fears. Failure, feeling out of control with graduation coming, and dealing with the far reaching effects of the abuse.
ere I am now. :)
Thanks for sharing that Eve
DeleteYou seem to have a good insight in to how it all started for you
You've been though a lot
I think we all have
We seem to use our eating disorders as a coping mechanism
Hopefully we can find new and healthier ways to get by
You are a tough cookie Eve and I know you will overcome your demons
Stay strong x
It definitely means a lot when you remind me anyway. :)
Delete<3
Don't ever forget it x
Deletethanks for sharing your story ruby. i've spent a long time trying to pinpoint what exactly caused my eating disorder but i can't really narrow it down to a single incident or memory. as a child/ teenager i was very shy and lacked confidence in a big way, although i'm not sure why as i was never picked on, had many friends etc. i was naturally very slim and also hit puberty a bit later than my peers so while all the other girls in my year were filling out i was still a twig. when people would comment on how thin i was it made me feel good inside- it gave me a boost of confidence and i started developing this idea in my head that being thin= admiration, acceptance, attention etc. the more i started thinking this way, i began feeling really anxious that for some reason i might start gaining weight and the one thing i was effortlessly 'good at' would be taken away. this anxiety lead me to start dieting, skipping meals etc and over time things just spiralled out of control and striving to be the thinnest i could be became a lifestyle rather than just skipping dinner here and there. along the way i was diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety and regularly self-harmed so the eating disorder just kind of merged with the rest of these mental illnesses. these days i just feel like one big, tangled ball of mental. i don't know where one problem ends and the next begins which makes recovery hard.
ReplyDeleteat one point- back in 2010 i did actually gain a fair bit of weight quite quickly (i'm still not sure if it was due to the fact i was binge drinking like crazy around this time, medication, or the contraceptive pill i was on) but people started commenting that i had gained and i even copped some abusive comments like 'you used to be hot and now you're just fat' :| this accelerated my ED to a whole new level and i've never felt so awful about my apperance as back then.
anyway, i'm rambling, but i do know what you mean about walking out of the psych office with good intentions and then it all fizzling. i'm still trying to get around this myself xx
Thank you for sharing this Nostalgia
DeleteI can relate so much
At a young age I also got the message that thin equals success and happiness
It's the biggest beauty myth out there
I'be been emaciated and I've been a normal weight and I was equally miserable at both
I was also diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I know what you mean when you say you don't know where one stops and the other begins
Anxiety has taken over my life
It stops me doing so much
And I get anxious over the smallest thing and especially around people
I take meds for it but I would love to learn how to deal with it rather than just medicate it
I hope you and I can overcome our demons
Sending you lots of love x
It's has been a long road for you leading to this point, but darling there is still one ahead and you can choose where that goes.
ReplyDeleteThink positive, think forward <3
Love you, "keep fighting the good fight" xx
I will Melrose and you too
DeleteLove you too sweetheart x
You know sweetheart, there are nothing called as problems. They're just our conceptions!
ReplyDeleteThink like all you're doing is right, and that nothing ever will exceed the permissible limit. You'll feel everything going down eventually. Trust me I fuckin' tried everything to get that count to what it is today, and you know, it seemed like nothing worked. Then I started believing that everything is working for me, no matter what I ate. Things worked out (with a little workout though).
Love yourself hon, it's the least you deserve!
Love.
Take Care :)
Thank you sweetie x
ReplyDeleteWhen I was five, I was diagnosed with a corn allergy. Processed foods became forbidden. My mother was on the Atkins diet, so I already had a strong impression that some foods were good, others bad, and that to be fat was to be avoided at all costs. When I was in junior high and had the freedom to buy my own food, I started bingeing on all of the forbidden foods I'd craved as a child. I was tired of eating fruit leather instead of fruit roll-ups. The trouble was that I felt horribly guilty after eating. I started to eat in secret, but that didn't help. So I figured out that I had to either not eat at all, or get rid of what I'd eaten immediately. That holds true to this day.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the unreliability of good intentions; they tend to flee at the first sign of hardship.
I wish you all the best. xx
Thanks for sharing this Rowan
DeleteI can relate a lot
I hope you manage to find peace and happiness x
Wow a lot of people remember being 8, as I do. It wasn't an ED yet but is was distorted. It really hit at 14. Oddly enough I just wrote in my blog that this week is my 17th year. I have used my ED behaviors as a coping mechanism for far too long and I want to change. I know what you mean when you say you are all ready to be "healthy" when you talk to Mary and then the motivation disappears.that is my normal day. Right now I am at work and I am READY! Come the end of my shift however I sometimes can hardly find the motivation to wash the make up off my face before bed. If I ever find a secret way to stay motivated I will let you know.
ReplyDeleteMotivation is so hard to sustain
DeleteIt's easy to slip back in to bad habits and before you know it you're up to your neck in your ed again
Yes please do let me know! x
Your numerical relationship with gravity is irrelevant, what matters is your yourself.
ReplyDeleteOmg I just want to hug you. Please can I? Please? That sucks so bad.
I think I've talked about how I got weird about food. Mum starving me as punishment when I was little so that when I got a job I would stuff myself on 'forbidden' foods to spite her. Ugh.
I'm trying to make food fuel and something to be enjoyed for the experience, but it's hard.
Love you so much Ruby. Don't give up on yourself, ok?
*Hugs you tightly*
Wow that is so cruel, actually starving you?
DeleteThat is messed up to say the least
Why did she do that?
I just can't fathom that
Don't let your mothers unspeakable behaviour drag you down Peri
You are better than that
Stronger than that
Worth so much more
I just want to wrap you in a hug that lasts forever x
I barely remember a defining moment when it all began. I remember being obsessed with food as long as I can remember. I remember scrutinising my body in the mirror when I was 9 or 10 and thinking my thighs were huge and how easy it would be to slice off the fat. It was when I was 13 when my real troubles began. I stopped eating, and no one tried to stop me. Pounds were lost quickly, and three months later I was in front of a doctor. Years and years later here I am. As fucked up and confused as I was then. A little lonely. And a little lost.
ReplyDeleteYou write beautifully <3