I first remember hearing this in the film 'The Usual Suspects' in that unforgettable scene where we learn that 'Verbal' really is Keyser Soze
It makes me think about my eating disorder
The greatest trick anorexia ever pulled was convincing us that we don't actually have it
Why?
Because anorexia tells us that we're never thin enough to be deserving of such a title
I know I question myself again and again
Do I really have anorexia?
Am I thin enough?
Am I sick at all?
The cruel thing about this illness is that we never get to enjoy the one thing we crave the most - thinness because we never believe we are thin enough
Even though the scale shows a low number
Even though our clothes are the smallest size
Even though everyone else can see it
Even though we are cold all the time
Even though we are in therapy
Even though we purge after every little thin we eat
We still don't believe we are thin enough
I can honestly say that I felt huge at my lowest weight
At the conference the other day I was worried about my speech
But even more than that
Do you know what really worried me?
I worried that people would look at me and think
'She's not thin enough to have an eating disorder'
Even though I know that's ridiculous
Even though I know it's a mental illness
Even though I know that weight is not an indicator of how sick someone is
Even though I was just was sick at my highest weight as I was at my lowest weight
Even though I am still considered underweight
I still worried
The girl who spoke after me mentioned weight and numbers quite a bit
She told us her lowest weight, her highest weight and her current weight
In my speech I didn't mention numbers at all for a couple of reasons
I didn't want to trigger anyone
I didn't want comparisons made
And I just didn't think it was relevant
I know when I read an eating disorder memoir I zone in on the numbers and compare myself
And I did compare myself to this girl
Our lowest weights were the same
Part of me really wants to know the numbers but another part of me would rather it wasn't mentioned at all
Eating disorder come in all shapes and sizes
From emaciated to obese and everything in between
Most sufferers are of a normal healthy weight
Only a small percentage of people reach a state of emaciation
And we don't need to reach that state in order to be seriously ill
More than our weight it's about our frame of mind and our behaviours
A person can completely disordered eating but look perfectly healthy
Numbers weren't always so tricky
For the first few years of my illness I had no idea what my weight was and I didn't care
It wasn't until doctors started weighing me that I began to take note of it
The number seemed important to them so it became important to me
Why is it that we don't feel we deserve the title of anorexia?
We don't believe it
I don't doubt that I have bulimia
And the thing with bulimia is that it is invisible
No one would ever know you had you had it unless you told them or you lived with them
That's part of what makes it so difficult
Like depression for example, it's not a tangible thing
You can't see it
Anorexia is plain to see
But bulimia?
No one ever sees the true face of bulimia
Bulimia lives behind locked doors
These labels can be extremely damaging
I remember when I was first diagnosed with anorexia
Now I had been given this title I felt I had to live up to it
I felt it was expected of me
Once you label a person you put me in a category
In a box
You become anorexic instead of having anorexia
A doctor at the conference spoke about how professionals are terrified of eating disorders
Because they are so hard to treat
Because of the high mortality rate
Because the one person who can really help is the one person who doesn't want to get well
I see my own doctor every week to get my methadone script
He is well aware of my eating disorder but seems resigned to the fact that this is just the way I am
Or maybe he thinks I am better than I actually am
I am guilty of playing down my illness
Even with Mary
When I keep a food diary it's never 100% honest
I might admit to purging twice a day
But in reality it's more like triple that
Our eating disorders thrive on secrets and lies
In order to get well I know that I need to be willing to tell on my eating disorder
To blow it's cover
But that's easier said than done
I hold on to my illness
I'm terrified to let it go
I can't live with it but I also can't live without it
Catch 22
I was wondering about you
Do you find it a help or a hindrance to know other peoples weight?
Do you find it triggering?
Do you compare yourself?
I relate. I was definitely emaciated the first time around. Never under 100 lbs but I'm 5'8". That's not normal on my build or height. Now that I've lost 30 lbs I still don't notice, but it must be. Tony tells me I'm looking sick, like my head is becoming too big for my body. Mom asks me if I'm still losing weight. "Of course not. Just workung out and eating healthier. Not so many bad college snacks or desserts or drinking." Sorry, Mom... I still can't tell. In fact, the smaller you become, the bigger you seem to be.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if it's triggering necessarily. For me it's the things someone did, like working out even 30 more minutes than me or choosing to skip that snack or ate half what I did or fasted longer. It's like I'm wasting time that I could have spent being successful in life but chose to waste and be weak. Perfection. As ling as my number gets lower I'm okay. It's what people do more than their number.
strange how these thibgs correlate. It's definitely an illness thay logically does NOT make sense. Insanity. Pure insanity. I would dread treating it too. I still feel like by admitting I enjoyed ice cream or steak or God forbid used ranch on my broccoli that I don't deserve the title. Ridiculous.
You're more than your number and you showed it by not talking about it.You showed it doesn't have to define you. :)
It is insanity Eve
ReplyDeletePure madness
It's like we can't trust our own judgement
We can't believe our own eye
I find that very unsettling
And yes, I feel massively guilty if I enjoy food
It's like it's not allowed
For me my eating disorder was never about not liking food
Heck, I love my food as much as the next person
I hope you don't lose too much more Eve
I hope you know you are beautiful just the way you are x
thats really interesting to know that the professionals fear treating ed patients.
ReplyDeletei think i like to know weights just because i find it so hard to judge what i look like so having something to go by helps. but then in not really embracing changing or recovery because there is nothing appealing to me about it so i guess it isnt healthy head wanting to know weights.
i dont kno wat my go thinks about my ed, sometimes id like to read her thoughts because i always tell myself its not bad, im a joke etc, and id be interested to kno if she thinks that too.
love u xxxx
Part of me really wants to know the numbers but then I get too fixated on them
ReplyDeleteI have a certain weight that I just don't want to go above
But in the first few years of my illness I had no idea what my weight was and didn't really care
It wasn't until doctors started weighing me that I started to take notice
The number seemed to be important to them so it became important to me
Love you too x
As Manda said that's very interesting.. I find with a lot of mental health issues doctors are cautious..
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you have to compare yourself but in all honesty I do the same. I'm no where near my low weights and it kills me every day. I hate the numbers game, but what more can we do.. Round and round we go.
Love you darling x
Rayya dear so good to hear from you
DeleteI've been wondering how you are
Did you get my email
I hope you're ok
I'm here x
I love my body and I think I have my parents to than for that. I was sexually abused throughout my childhood by loved ones that I cared about. My parents wanted me to have a healthy mindset around my body so they constantly told me "the body is beautiful it is something to be celebrated.
ReplyDeleteAfter my bipolar diagnosis I gained 30 pounds, but I like the new size 6 me more than the size two me, I just need to buy more clothes that fit of course!!
Your honesty is refreshing, it inspired me to open up to you. Thanks.
Hey Vanessa,
DeleteThat's a really healthy way to view your body
Your parents gave you an amazing gift
I have regained weight recently and am struggling to accept my new body
It's feels strange to be honest
Thank you for your honesty too x
With me it's incredibly stupid and strange. People ask me my numbers, lowest, highest, current....I'm one of those people that instead of being obsessed with the scale, I'm terrified of it. I don't weigh myself ten times a day; I haven't weighed myself in 2 months. So numbers aren't as an obsession as they are for some, at least not scale numbers. The first year it was about seeing it go down. Now, even in recovery, it's not so much an intense desire to see it go down, but an intense fear of seeing it go up. I guess that's why I never weigh myself because I can't handle the minute little daily fluctuations.
ReplyDeleteWith comparing numbers, again, I'm always strange because unless it is a case of someone seriously being underweight, I'm usually always the smallest, in real life. In this community, it's full of the exception, the not average woman, but in real life everyone is always commenting "Oh you're so tiny there's no way you could be over 100." Of course, it's an exaggeration, I just bat my eye lashes say I work out a lot and go about my way. However an interesting thing is that, and you said this, most eating disordered people are not underweight or emaciated. They may brush that category, but it's not often a maintained status. My lowest recorded was just a few pounds shy of "underweight", but then two weeks later my body veered away from that. I don't know, it's always interesting.
But all in all, you're very right, EDs are not for the thin alone. Yes sometimes they're very obvious, but out of the 8 million people in America alone that statistically have an eating disorder, not many of them are obvious.
Sorry this comment was so long, my brain is on a thinking binge. Hmm, what if we had thinking binges instead of food binges? We'd all be skinnier and smarter and then the world would be perfect :P
I'm the same
DeleteI'm terrified of the scale
Before I weigh myself I always get super anxious
I used to weigh multiple times a day but now I try to do it just a couple of times a week
I hate the power it has over me
He he, I love that, a thinking binge
I have thinking binges all the time
In fact I wish I could switch my brain off sometimes
Thanks for sharing lovely x
Your speech below is beautiful. I'm not surprised people wanted to photocopy it. I'm so proud of you Ruby! That you were able to speak at an event like that and reveal your story.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with what you say about anorexia and bulimia. It's so easy to be in denial about having anorexia but bulimia is something you can't ignore because there's no way you can tell yourself you're not throwing up. And anorexia is the disorder everyone can see. Both are equally dangerous because they're equally invisible. I think in order to really get into recovery the disordered person and those around her need to recognize that she has an illness. If only it were easy to tell people, to convince yourself.
Thank you Emily
DeleteThat means a lot as I value your opinion
I agree, it's so very easy to slip in to denial
And yes the first step to getting well is admitting that we have a problem
Also being honest
Sometimes the lies just roll off my tongue to my family about what I ate or I didn't purge
Honesty is so important x
This really resonates with me. The cycle of thinking about "sick enough" vs. "not sick enough" is really difficult to deal with. I think you really nailed it when you said it's about the frame of mind and behaviors, though. That's so very true.
ReplyDeleteAnd in answer to your questions: I do find numbers triggering because, as much as I hate it, I do compare myself, and I do get that nasty competitive feeling and it really just sends my brain spinning. And of course, it also sends me into that cycle of sick enough vs. not sick enough. Just my own experience, though.
Thanks so much for sharing this!
I'm the same Alie
DeleteI find numbers so triggering
Thanks for stopping by x
It's part of the worthlessness and lack of self-belief that we think we're not actually sick/not sick enough. The rampant mental illness denial does nothing to help that at all. It is damn hard to convince yourself that you're actually sick enough to need the help when you have most of the fucking world telling you that you're imagining things.
ReplyDeleteYup, Mental Illness Denial is right up on my list of Major Hates. If enough people get angry and noisy about it we can start the ball rolling for some serious fucking change.
When someone gives me a label, I don't feel like I have to live up to it. Instead I run in the other direction. Mum tries to dress me in skirts, I demand water guns. Dad tells me I'm not sporty enough to apply to NASA as an astronaut, I take up Judo. Fuck being and doing what others tell me I am or should do. My brain is weird like that. Good old Rage Against The Machine, lol.
http://youtu.be/bWXazVhlyxQ?t=4m11s
Wow, she used numbers extensively? Did she state a trigger warning at the start of her speech? I used to use numbers a lot on my blog, but stopped and then started covering them so they have to be highlighted when my mates started trying to recover and I didn't want to hold them back.
Other people's numbers don't trigger me. It's weird, I feel like a freak lol. The only number that can trigger me is the one on my own scale. There are so many factors that make people different from each-other that my passion for science and obsession with fair testing means I simply can't accept comparing two completely different people based on weight, intake/output and clothes size. Things like height/age/sex/bone density/body composition/number of limbs remaining all create so much variability that someone telling me their numbers doesn't trigger me.
I do feel like I'm not really sick or don't really have an eating disorder because I'm not a walking skeleton and I don't let myself start puking when I know others are and do. I really wish I had the luxury of peeling off my flesh, but ending up hospitalised where my parents could get their hands on me again would kill me.
Oh fuck I'm getting morbid. I'm sorry to put sadpanda stuff in your comment box :(
Love you heaps Ruby. Don't define yourself with lables that hold you down, ok? Break the chains and fly free.
Arohanui and hugs from down under <3
That's great Peri being able to do the opposite of what is expected of you
DeleteThat's a really good way of looking at it
Why do we put ourselves through this stress?
I would love if the numbers were just that, numbers
But they have so much power over me and I hate it
Love you too Peri, so so much
Take care of you x
Hi Ruby :)
ReplyDeleteI HATE knowing other peoples numbers. I avoid it at all costs, as i recognize that it's not healthy for me, and i only see it as competition.
Unfortunately, i know my own numbers, and that's hard enough! I know what i USED to weight and measure, so i am in competition with myself half the time!
I don't think i'll be comfortable with the numbers (mine or other peoples) until i am much further on in Recovery.
Sending you love <3
Hey Claire,
DeleteI agree
I don't think I'll be able to handle knowing numbers until I am further down the line
I hope this fear of them rights itself as it's very stressful being triggered and comparing myself
We will get there x
this really struck me. Especially the quote. I'm actually about to go blog about it in more detail but basically at therapy today they told me if i lose weight again this week then they're going to have to put me in a "higher level of care" which means dropping out of school and doing residential or something. I just wanted to scream at her because that's ridiculous, of course i'm going to lose weight again this week, I'm not thin enough yet. And I'm not sick enough to actually deserve to get better. It's a terrible place, being in my own head.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't lose anymore
ReplyDeleteBaby steps all the way
The add up to be big changes
Stay strong x
Numbers are very tricky for me. A few weeks ago I admitted a patient here at the hospital who was my ht and wt. It was very bizarre, when you looked at her you could see her eating disorder. Knowing her numbers was proof to me that my eyes do not see the real me.
ReplyDeleteIt's so strange that we can not trust our own eyes
ReplyDeleteI find that so unsettling
I hope it gave you insight to see that girl
Take care x