Novacaine for the soul

My teeth are in really bad shape
This is due to a number of reasons
Years of not looking after them when I was in active addiction
12 years of bulimia
And also methadone
Methadone is a green syrup, full of sugar and over time it has taken it's toll
Smoking has also caused significant damage
I started the big job of getting my teeth fixed last year
I found a lovely dentist and over time he has done a lot of work on them
5 extractions and numerous fillings
I visited him again last week
I probably would have avoided it for as long as possible but my father talked me in to going
I would have done anything to get out of it
I would have happily eaten my foot rather than go

We drove in to town and parked the car in a car park I don't usually use
I thought it would be quicker to walk back out through the car park rather than going through the shopping centre
All of a sudden I had no idea where I was
An icy wind was blowing as we tried to make our way through the maze of narrow streets
I don't know how but we actually managed to get lost in my own town
I know I have a bad sense of direction but this was ridiculous
My father wanted to ask someone for directions but my pride wouldn't allow it
Eventually I saw a street I recognized and we headed for the dentist

The waiting room was full of men
I felt a little bit silly being there with my father like I was a child but he insisted on coming with me
I sat patiently reading about Harry from One Direction's love life
(He has split from Taylor Swift if you're interested.  Does anyone actually care about that stuff?)
'Come straight in' said the dentist
He's a tall man with a shock of white hair and kind eyes
'Are you still off the.........?'
It's always the first question he asks me
He means am I still off drugs
For some reason he doesn't seem to be able to say the word drugs
Is drugs a bad word?
Maybe he's just being polite
I took my jacket off and for some stupid reason I draped it over the back of the dentist's chair
'No no, hang it up' he said
I walked over to the hanger nearly knocking over his tray instruments on my way
I settled in to the chair
Just then the receptionist stuck her head in the door and said
'Remember Ruby, if he's hurting you raise your hand and he'll stop'
What the....?
The way she said it was as if she was expecting him to hurt me
And you can bet your ass of he's hurting me I'll be doing a lot more than raising my hand



'What can I do for you?' he asked
I explained that I needed a couple  of fillings
'Ok let's get started'
He lowered the chair so much that the top of my head was resting against his chest
I wasn't comfortable being so close so I tried to pull myself down
'Open wide'
I tried to open my mouth as wide as I could but I have a cut at the corner of my mouth (from purging)
I could feel the skin crack and split as the skin was stretched apart
I tasted fresh blood on my lips
He examined my teeth and decided which ones to fill
He then produced an obscenely large needle and injected anaesthetic in to my gum
I hate this part
I'm not afraid of needles, I just hate the sensation
He injected in 3 different places and just when I thought I couldn't stand the pain any longer, my gums started to go numb
I liked the feeling
How I wish there was something this effective for the mind
Novocaine for the soul



I went back to the waiting room to wait for the lovely numbness to spread around my gums
I was worried he's leave me to long and it would wear off but a couple of minutes later he called me back in
Back in the chair he got to work
I keep my eyes firmly closed because I don't want to see any of the torturous looking instruments
He begins to drill
It's sounds horrific as it grinds against my teeth
It doesn't hurt but it sounds like it should hurt
I feel a lot of pressure
So much so that it feels like my jaw might dislocate
He alternates between drilling and scraping
The noise is so loud in my ears
Like nails on a chalkboard amplified
My body is completely tensed
My knees pulled up
My eyes are squeezed shut
I can only imagine what this would feel like without anaesthetic
He moves on to my front teeth
Inching ever closer away from the numb area
All of a sudden I feel a lighting bolt of pain
Like he hit a raw nerve
'No!' I shouted as best I could
'Sorry' he said 'Nearly finished'
More drilling
More pressure
And then he said the magic words 'All done'
Relief
My body immediately relaxed and I opened my eyes
I collected my composure and thanked him
The dentist then went out to my father and told him what work he had done
He actually spoke to my father instead of me
I felt like a 10 year old child there with my parent
I felt like saying 'Hello! I am here you know, they're my teeth, surely you should be talking to me'
My father really didn't need to come with me but as ever he won't take no for an answer
I'm planning to have a serious talk with him this week about not being involved in every little bit of my life but I'll save that for another post

My teeth look and feel a lot better now
They're far from perfect but at least they're not is the desperate state they were in
This is just another thing in the long list of things I have lost to my eating disorder
Years of purging, washing my teeth in stomach acid up to 10 times a day have all but ruined them
Purging is the bane of my life at the moment
A few days ago I was in the middle of a binge when my father asked me 'Ruby, when are you going to do something about this?'
I was a bit taken aback because I didn't think he had noticed my binging
I may think that I am hiding a binge but in reality of course people know
Listening to my mother give her speech last week, I realise that she notices everything
She sees my constant march from the kitchen to the bathroom
She's aware of how many times a day I purge
Even though I may think it's not, it's blatantly obvious
I think when someone gets ill with an eating disorder the whole family becomes ill
It infects everyone within a certain radius
Like a stone in a pond it has a ripple effect



Bulimia I am so very tired if you
Go away
Please just go away
And take your friend ana with you
You're not welcome here anymore

If you are bulimic, has it effected your teeth?