Little white lies

 I was inspired to write this post after reading a post Emily wrote over at Bulimia Girl
Her post was about the lies she tells to herself and others
So I decided to write about my own little white lies



Lying became a sort of career for me when I was addicted to drugs
I believed my own lies
With my ED lying and denial are part and parcel of the illness
Anorexia thrives on secrets and lies
I think a huge part of recovery is learning to be honest with ourselves and others
And that's really difficult
I've told some pretty huge lies in the past
Most of the time I told them for attention or because I was too ashamed to tell the truth
Sometimes lies are necessary though  but as long as it doesn't hurt anyone that's ok

At the moment I'm trying to be as  honest as I can with Mary
I'm seeing her for over a year now and it's only recently that I've started to really open up
It takes me a while to build trust with someone and I do completely trust Mary now
Guilt and shame are a big part of my ED
And these emotions fuel the lies I tell
I'm supposed to keep food records for Mary but I rarely complete them honestly
Even though I know she is pretty unshockable, I still feel incredibly embarrassed about my food and eating habits
I speak very openly with Mary now
Bit by bit I peel back the layers and let her in to my life
And it does pay off

So here are some of the lies I tell on a regular basis

'No, I'm not hungry at all'
She says even though she would eat her own toe nail clippings if the were seasoned

'No, I didn't take all my meds'
She says as drool dribbles down her chin

'No, I didn't eat my nephews Easter eggs'
In reality I ate them all
All four of them

'I'm fine'
Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

'No, I didn't break the laptop'
When  really I spilled a cup of tea on it after falling asleep because I took too many tablets

'Yes, I did pay for these goods'

'No thanks, I don't want any pizza'
Yes I do
I really  do
I really, really do!

'No, I didn't burn that hole on the carpet'
I actually feel asleep with a smoke in my hand

'No, that wasn't me getting sick in the bathroom

To pharmacist: 'No, these enemas aren't for me, they're for my mother, yes she does know not to use them too often

'No I didn't get up in the middle of the night and eat all the biscuits'




'No, I don't think  that I'll ever use drugs again'

'No, I don't miss using'

'No, I'm not dizzy'
She says as she grabs the wall

Doctor: How often do you purge?
Me: Oh me? Just a couple of times a day, cough cough
More like a couple of times an hour

'Yes, I did eat breakfast'
Do biscuits count?

'Yes, I do intend on eating dinner'
I just don't intend on keeping it down

Someone: You look well Ruby
Me: Oh, thank you
In my head: Hate you, hate you, hate you, hate you.........

'Yes, I'm ready to come off the methadone'
Just not this week

'No, I didn't break the toilet'
That toilet is working overtime

'I have no idea why I'm losing weight'

'No, I don't weigh myself everyday'
Eh, yes I do, more like 5 times a day and keep a record of the number

'Yes, I do care about my health problems'

'Yes, I do intend on quitting smoking and no I'm not worried if I do I'll gain weight'
She says as she lights a smoke

'Yes, I do realise that I'm underweight'
In my head: I'm a big fat piggy

What lies do you tell, about your ED or anything else?